Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

The poor and middle-class pay taxes, the rich pay accountants, the wealthy pay politicians.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

Republicans do not pay their debts.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

The next time the wall street journal editorial board speaks the truth will be the first.

Everybody saw this coming.

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

They love authoritarianism, but only when they get to be the authoritarians.

“I never thought they’d lock HIM up,” sobbed a distraught member of the Lock Her Up Party.

People are complicated. Love is not.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

Putin dreamed of ending NATO, and now it’s Finnish-ed.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Motto for the House: Flip 5 and lose none.

In my day, never was longer.

I’m pretty sure there’s only one Jack Smith.

Conservatism: there are some people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

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Even though I am a grumpy old man, I am not completely lacking in self-awareness, and fully recognize that while I was teasing hipsters (who I don’t really hate, but do like to tease) they were probably quietly whispering to each other about the hillbilly from the cast of Mountain Men, I shaved my beard in an attempt to look like I don’t really drink moonshine run through the finest radiator in Brooke County.

Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to shave a full beard with nothing but a Gillete razor? I no longer look like a Mountain Man, but now I look like the victim of a drive-by shaving.

Reader Interactions

122Comments

  2. 2.

    Tonal Crow

    You could have had Tunch remove your beard by nuzzling his belly. It’d be faster and neater.

  3. 3.

    Lit3Bolt

    The scruff is gone?

    Tunch won’t even recognize you, except by sm–hmmm, well, that may be all he needs.

  4. 4.

    priscianus jr

    “Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to shave a full beard with nothing but a Gillete razor?”

    Yes, I’ve done it a number of times. In fact, I once had to do it without shaving cream, just ordinary soap. Took about a week to heal.

  6. 6.

    Robin G.

    You start with these things called beard trimmers…

    Also, a sudden desire to shave wouldn’t have anything to do with A GIRL, would it? It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

  9. 9.

    Linnaeus

    Even though I am a grumpy old man

    You’re not much older than I am, John, but you’re already becoming a cautionary tale for me.

  13. 13.

    Suffern ACE

    @Winston Smith: I’ve read bits and peices about some kind of 1.5 billion bullet stockpile since right after Sandy Hook. Michelle Bachmann’s face was spouting that on one of the ads at the bottom of Forbes the other day.

  15. 15.

    Older_Wiser

    What’s wrong with “passing” when you can get good information on the sly? You must have been told by someone to get rid of it–or else.

  19. 19.

    Arclite

    It can be done. But you have to do it multiple times. The first time will get 75%, the second time will get the rest. If not, you’ll need a third time. If you’re using cheap or disposable razors switch to a new one after the first shaving. I have a heavy beard and have used this method before when I didn’t have clippers. On the other hand clippers are pretty cheap.

  20. 20.

    Arclite

    It can be done. But you have to do it multiple times. The first time will get 75%, the second time will get the rest. If not, you’ll need a third time. If you’re using cheap or disposable razors switch to a new one after the first shaving. I have a heavy beard and have used this method. before when I didn’t have clippers. On the other hand clippers are pretty cheap.

  24. 24.

    Larkspur

    Do guys ever go to the barber for shaves any more? The first shave after having a beard for a while seems like an excellent time to visit a professional, unless you have issues with a stranger approaching you holding a blade. Maybe it is a thing men don’t do any more.

  25. 25.

    The Dangerman

    Excellent link last evening on the talented Dr. Turner (I looked him up; not only a fine guitarist, but a well respected ER Doc).

  31. 31.

    Yutsano

    @scav: Please. Real men use a K-Bar with no lubrication.

    (that was slightly more erotic than I intended.)

  32. 32.

    Suffern ACE

    @Larkspur: It’s difficult to find one around these parts. You need a real barber, preferably older. Unfortunately, I’ve had one guy who smelled a little boozy and another who clearly hadn’t picked up the straight razor for awhile. Barbershops connectd with big hotels have worked well for me. Nothing like getting it done properly with hot foam.

  33. 33.

    SRW1

    “… but now I look like the victim of a drive-by shaving.”

    You mean like one of them guys from ‘Amish Rage’.

  34. 34.

    MattF

    @Winston Smith: Believe it or not, there’s a large number of people working for the Federal Government who use bullets and need training in the use of contraptions that use bullets. So, the Feds have to buy and stockpile bullets. Lots of bullets. Also, as it happens, we really did land on the moon, and the earth is, actually, round.

  35. 35.

    mikefromArlington

    Haven’t you ever seen the “If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts” commercials?

  36. 36.

    jl

    OK, glad to hear about the self awareness. But make sure to do a full body check, Hillbilly Cole.

    Shoes?

    Still using bear grease for hair gel?

    Torn overalls with gingham patches?

    Probably too late for this trip, but did you cut back on the ramps before you left?

    And anything else you can think of.

  38. 38.

    Hungry Joe

    The last (and final!) time I shaved off my beard, my then 11-year-old daughter cried and my wife laughed. Started on the new, permanent beard the next day.

    Meantime, from Kos:

    Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R) said on Monday that his immigration plan will not include a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants

    Why would Jeb! even have an immigration plan if he weren’t looking hard at 2016? Yeah, he’s got a book coming out. But why would he have a book coming out if he weren’t …?

  39. 39.

    Roger Moore

    @Winston Smith:

    Does anyone understand WTF is up with this?

    I suspect it comes from the same source as the talk about black helicopters and FEMA concentration camps: 1% harmless truth and 99% fevered wingnut imagination.

  41. 41.

    J.W. Hamner

    Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to shave a full beard with nothing but a Gillete razor?

    How is that even possible? I only have a goatee (yes, I know, 1995 called an wants their facial hair back) and I don’t think I’d really be able to shave it off without using the beard trimmer to get it down to almost nothing first.

  43. 43.

    joel hanes

    @Larkspur:

    A shave with hot towel, hot lather, and a straightedge is something that most barbers don’t do any more. Many barbershops don’t even have the right equipment.

    But if you can find an old-fashioned barber who does it right — luxury.

    In the 80s, I used to patronize the President Barbershop on University in Palo Alto, where three of the barbers had been working the same shop since long before I was born. Even a regular haircut ended with a straightedge shave on the back of the neck. I imagine it’s still a great place.

  45. 45.

    Scamp Dog

    @Winston Smith: Not sure what to think, either. I traced through a couple of layers of links, and when they were all wingnut sites, I decided to stop wasting time trying to find a credible source.

    I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to learn that DHS is buying military-style hardware in large quantities, but this isn’t new to the Obama administration, it’s just part of the homeland security theater industrial complex.

  47. 47.

    SRW1

    … but now I look like the victim of a drive-by shaving.

    Did you know that there are barbers in Italy who burn the keratin stuff off with alcohol?

    Well, its mostly the stuff that grows in ear cups, but still!

  48. 48.

    Suffern ACE

    @Hungry Joe: O.K. This whole “Campaign 2016 starts in 2013” has got to stop.

    But, I think we’ve got to play the long game against the Bushies. They are the establishment Red State has been railing against. The best thing I think we can do is ignore it. Do not, I repeat, do not say anything like “If this country is so stupid as to elect the Bushies and their cronies who’ve been shitting on us since Nixon, I’m moving to Canada!” I don’t want those damn “Independents” who just aren’t into the Republicans but who love voting to stick it to the liberals to start thinking that we’ll hate another Bush presidency more than anything else.

  49. 49.

    quannlace

    Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to shave a full beard with nothing but a Gillete razor? I no longer look like a Mountain Man, but now I look like the victim of a drive-by shaving.

    Y ou can always claim Romney tackled you and shaved it off.

  50. 50.

    Hill Dweller

    @Yutsano: Benen just posted a new blog entry documenting Bush’s public support for a path to citizenship, including a WSJ op-ed five weeks ago.

  51. 51.

    DFH no.6

    My barber in Snobsdale is not old, but he is old-fashioned. Been going to him about a dozen years, now.

    Russian-Jew from Kazakhstan via brief stint in Israel (then some time in New York, of course). Runs his own shop now, employing other émigré barbers from the old CCCP.

    Does the hot foam straightedge on the back of the neck every time I get my hair cut. Also a hot, moist towel on the head and a massage to end every cut.

    From what I hear he also does a great job shaving beards.

    Like my brothers (and now my adult son) I have little to no beard (nor chest hair) myself. Weird, because my dad (RIP) had a 5 o’clock shadow, and had a fairly furry chest.

    One of the reasons I was carded almost every time I bought alcohol (including the grocery store) till I was over 30.

  52. 52.

    Larkspur

    @Suffern ACE: @joel hanes: Thanks for the information. This could be a niche career path. You’d have to learn from a master, then get certified, but then you could be like a traveling straight-razor barber. Barbershops and salons could have you on call.

    @quannlace:

    You can always claim Romney tackled you and shaved it off.

    Best thing ever.

  53. 53.

    Ruckus

    I shaved mine off once in the last 40 yrs. About 20 yrs ago. Thought I might look better without it. Just a razor and shaving cream. Hint – use a beard trimmer first. Always, always, always use a beard trimmer, then the razor. Started growing it back the second day because otherwise I looked like I was still 12.

  54. 54.

    Mrs. Walter Rice

    I can tell you right here Mr. Cole that Ike never used one of those commie Gillette thingies.

    You should use a straight razor just like Sarah and I use.

  55. 55.

    StringOnAStick

    John, do your pets still recognize you?

    As a 20 something I got a perm in my long blonde hair; my cat did a casual glance as I let him in, then a total spit-take that required that I let him have a close look and a good sniff, followed by an obvious “humans are weird” saunter to the food dish.

  61. 61.

    Winston Smith

    @Suffern ACE:
    @MattF:
    I guess I should have been more precise. The bullet stuff is old news. I believe that it turns out the be a number from a 10-year contract that specified that the order was “not to exceed” 1.6 billion bullets in that time or something.
    @Scamp Dog:

    Not sure what to think, either. I traced through a couple of layers of links, and when they were all wingnut sites, I decided to stop wasting time trying to find a credible source.

    I found this with a completely unsourced claim about 2,717 armored vehicles made by Navistar.

    I did find that DHS uses some of these (probably for border patrol given the kind of firepower Mexican drug cartels are packing). Navistar had a press release claiming to have up-armored 2,300 of these in Afghanistan. I suppose a lot of them are coming home and some of them will be reassigned for DHS.

    I also learned that the violent, totalitarian, hell-hole known as “Canada” has about 600 of these for domestic law enforcement. I guess it wouldn’t be too crazy for the US to have 4.5 times as many as Canada.

    I also found it ironic that a group of people (Freepers) who daily announce their willingness — nay, eagerness — to shoot cops would wonder what the cops would want these things.

  63. 63.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @jeffreyw: Very nice. When I had long hair I used to save the brushings and combings and periodically toss them out for the birds. They seem to like the organic stuff.

    Note to Cole: next time you furminate Tunch and Zsa Zsa, be sure a keep the sweepings for neighborhood birds.

  64. 64.

    Michael G

    It’s like you’re reading my mind. I’m currently in South America finishing up a month long trip, during which my beard went from a well-groomed “Most Interesting Man In The World” to “Grizzly Adams Hillbilly Style”.

    I don’t have the right tools to trim it here, and I’m going to be back in the US in two days, so it stays crazy for now. I imagine the people on the plane will be like “What’s up with that Unabomber looking dude in 26A?”

  65. 65.

    Suffern ACE

    @Larkspur: Hmmm. It just might work. What you need to do is latch on to a touring troupe of some sort. The kind that doesn’t go to the big cities but tours around those small city Performing Arts Centers or arenas. Some kind of group that might need an occasional shave themselves. Disney on Ice, maybe.

  68. 68.

    Hungry Joe

    @Ruckus:

    I shaved mine off once in the last 40 yrs. … Started growing it back the second day because otherwise I looked like I was still 12.

    I’ve shaved mine twice in 41 years, but otherwise that’s exactly, but exactly my history. Last, final time I was aghast to see that droopy-skin-ness had appeared under my chin; this sad development is now camouflaged by the re-grown, tactically shaped beard.

  69. 69.

    Grumpy Code Monkey

    I no longer look like a Mountain Man, but now I look like the victim of a drive-by shaving.

    NOT THAT ANY OF US (ESPECIALLY IN AUSTIN) WOULD EVER KNOW.

  72. 72.

    Trollhattan

    @Hungry Joe:

    The real dilemma comes when your daughter starts comparing you favorably to Santa, particularly when the top of your head ain’t gray.

  74. 74.

    Trollhattan

    @Southern Beale:

    Yeah, just a few close zillionairesfriends. He also cops to “would have taken a ten-to-one cuts to revenues deal.” Of course, Willard, and maybe, just maybe you wouldn’t have bombed China and Iran on your first day in office.

  77. 77.

    shortstop

    I have to make a quick rant on the fly, because crazy day. I’m growing frustrated with people in my circle who think lecturing people on the intertubes all day is all you need to do to effect real social change.

    Two examples: first, I have some time-rich friends who constantly bitch and moan on Facebook about lack of marriage equality. When I invited them to join me in one evening of phonebanking for the Illinois bill in districts with wobbly reps, they acted like I’d asked them to don hair shirts and spend a week in a cold cell. Dudes, just say you’re got something else that night or hate phonebanking, but don’t act like it’s an outsized request.

    I have another friend — very bright, very funny — who hasn’t done anything (work, look for work, volunteer, anything but help keep house) for two years now. He does love to write long, super-detailed essays about political and social issues in blog comment threads read by people already on our team, then proudly show them off to friends. Meanwhile, he moans about how most of humanity constantly lets him down. He wanted Obama reelected — or, more accurately, Romney defeated. I suggested he do some GOTV work. He said he was too busy.

    It goes on like that.

    I ain’t sayin’ that communication to small audiences isn’t a key part of activism. I am not elevating my own volunteer efforts to more than they are: plenty of people with less time than I have do a hell of a lot more. I am not saying that everyone is cut out for every kind of activism, or that people don’t need to congregate with like minds sometimes to blow off steam, make jokes or just feel safe. And I know it’s unseemly to presume to judge on how much time others have…even as I do it…and that I’m being a control freak here. I know it.

    I just wish people who clearly have the time and ability to do some of the lifting wouldn’t sit around smugly bitching that everyone else isn’t making faster progress.

  78. 78.

    Suffern ACE

    @Southern Beale: Look, different constituencies want different things. How’s a guy supposed to run for office if he can’t say one thing to the audience of billionaires and other to tea party “activists” and another at CPAC?

    It’s like poor Tommy Thompson. He wouldn’t have told seniors that he was planning on getting rid of social security and medicare. That message was meant for his tea party crowd. Tammy Baldwin just selectively chose the statements he didn’t want to have widely distributed. That’s not fair.

  81. 81.

    Ruckus

    @raven:
    Forgot to mention that I hate shaving so doing the noggin is right out. And I’m pretty sure if I shaved my noggin that it would look like I just hadn’t started to grow hair yet. IOW younger even than 12. Even with the full beard. Besides, dumbo ears look ridiculous with a shaved head.

  85. 85.

    Pete Mack

    Maybe you are using the wrong kind of Gillette? The mach 3 doesn’t do nearly so much collateral damage. It’s about 2x the cost but lasts 2x longer.

  87. 87.

    Jamey

    I have a friend who uses a creme brulée torch to singe away his ear hair. Scissors first, then razor to tame a beard.

  88. 88.

    Todd

    @joel hanes:

    A shave with hot towel, hot lather, and a straightedge is something that most barbers don’t do any more. Many barbershops don’t even have the right equipment.

    I got my first straight razor shave last week. Awesome fun.

  90. 90.

    Gravenstone

    The image of clean shaven Cole reminds me of a friend in college. Blonde and quite fair of complexion, he grew out a full beard over the winter one year. Come spring, he’s lying out in the sun and earns himself a world class case of sunburnt face. Then, for reasons known only to himself, he decided to shave the beard. The contrast was … striking.

  91. 91.

    Seanly

    I hateses the shaving. Even now at 45, I can get away skipping 3 or 4 days in a row – takes my 5 o’clock shadow 2 days to grow. I’ve tried a couple of times to grow a beard – it doesn’t fill in on the cheeks. When I did have a Van Dyke, I looked like as much of a bad-ass as is possible for me.

  94. 94.

    replicnt6

    @Linnaeus:

    You’re not much older than I am, John, but you’re already becoming a cautionary tale for me.

    Shit, I’m about a decade older than John, and he serves as a cautionary tale for me about what it’s going to be like when I get old.

  96. 96.

    Felonius Monk

    C’mon, Cole. A real man pulls them out one by one with a clamshell. What a wuss!

  97. 97.

    Omnes Omnibus

    Well, good day/bad day stuff is going on. My job interview went well. OTOH, I just found out that my grandmother is in the hospital with congestive heart failure; they are making her “comfortable.” Apparently, it is a matter of days now.

  98. 98.

    Fullname Username

    Well John you could buy some barber shears for the first run through, they’re like twenty bucks. As for the Austin thing, you should go to Pflugerville and get a bumper sticker that states, “Pflugerville- stuck between a rock and a weird place”. Then the locals won’t think you’re a red neck from Round Rock or from Austin either.

    Oh yeah, while you’re in Texas, eat more rice.

  100. 100.

    Amir Khalid

    If anyone’s curious about the armed standoff going on in Malaysia right now, here’s some of the coverage on it. A recap:

    On one side, an armed force of 200-odd Filipino men, loyal to a Malay pretender sultan of Sulu, are holed up in Lahad Datu and a couple of other small villages in Sabah. They are there to press the sultanate’s historical claim to Sabah.

    On the other side, the Royal Malaysian Police and the Malaysian Armed Forces.

    So far, eight Malaysian cops and 20 or so men from the invading force have been killed. A full-on shooting match, should it happen, can have only one result: the invaders will all die in vain.

    The Philippines government has its own claim to Sabah, because the country absorbed the territory that had once belonged to Sulu. That claim was renounced by Ferdinand Marcos in 1977 but not everyone in the Philippines accepted the renunciation; there is support in the Philippines for the Sulu force. Any sign that he is abandoning the Sulu guys will not play well for President Benigno Aquino III in the polls.

    Right now, though, the government don’t need this shit. They do need Malaysia’s help in negotiating with Muslim (and ethnically Malay) rebels in Mindanao, the Filipino province nearest to Sabah.
    Opinion over there seems to be split between supporting the Sulu claim and not looking for trouble with Malaysia, a key ASEAN ally.

    The Malaysian government would likewise prefer not to see a shooting match, with a general election due by the end of June. Any heavy-handed action against a bunch of ethnic Malays would play very badly for the ruling Barisan Nasional coalition, whose main party has an all-Malay membership.

    The standoff continues.

  103. 103.

    Amir Khalid

    @Jamey:
    A crème brulée torch? How does he avoid singeing his ear off? Me, I just pluck my ear hairs.

  107. 107.

    Origuy

    Well, I hope the situation is resolved with no further bloodshed, and I’m sorry that my first thought was to wonder what George Takai was doing in that part of the world.

  110. 110.

    brantl

    Try is with a 20 stitch ridge in your chin (that’s been opened 3 separate times) with any razor other than an electric, and you will have caught up with me.

  111. 111.

    SRW1

    @Amir Khalid:

    Since mid-February!? Haven’t seen it mentioned anywhere. Several people dead sounds like it has escalated pretty far already. Hopefully, this can be resolved without an all-out shoot-out.

  112. 112.

    Soonergrunt

    @Amir Khalid: Sir,
    I’m late to the party, but thanks for this interesting update. Is there any indication of negotiations going on with the invaders? Any word on what they say they want?

  113. 113.

    MaryRC

    @joel hanes: The AIDS scare was a big factor behind straight razors dropping out of fasion. The razors have to be sterilized too, and that takes time and special equipment.

    John, try some Polysporin for the razon cuts.

    And I do sympathize, but I can’t resist repeating Bates’ line from Downton Abbey: “Don’t be such a big girl’s blouse!”

  114. 114.

    Amir Khalid

    @SRW1:
    If the pretender sultan’s guys dig in, I’m afraid I don’t see how an all-out shooting match, with attendant non-combatant casualties, can be avoided.

    Per Wikipedia, on the underlying dispute:

    The Philippines has a territorial claim over much of the eastern part of Sabah, the former North Borneo. It claims that the territory, via the heritage of the Sultanate of Sulu, was only leased to the North Borneo Chartered Company in 1878 with the Sultanate’s sovereignty never being relinquished. Malaysia however, considers this dispute as a “non-issue,” as it believes that the 1878 document was a cession agreement, and that it deems that the residents of Sabah had exercised their act of self-determination when they voted to join the Malaysian federation in 1963.

    As a practical matter, Sabah has been part of Malaysia for the past half-century. Unless Sabahans want to secede and join a no longer extant Sulu state as part of the Philippines, which seems highly unlikely, I think it best to leave things as they are.

  116. 116.

    Amir Khalid

    @Soonergrunt:
    They are claiming Sabah state for the Sultan of Sulu — for one of the pretenders, anyway. But Sulu itself no longer exists as a sovereign country. The sultanate ceded all its territory to the Spanish in the 18th century, and now it’s part of the Philippines.

    Imagine, as a vague parallel, a band of armed Czarists in 2013 taking over an Inuit fishing community in Alaska and demanding that the US return that state to Russia.

  117. 117.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Amir Khalid:

    Imagine, as a vague parallel, a band of armed Czarists in 2013 taking over an Inuit fishing community in Alaska and demanding that the US return that state to Russia.

    Sarah Palin warned us about that. Why didn’t we listen?

  118. 118.

    Amir Khalid

    @Soonergrunt:
    Filipino President Benigno Aquino III has been begging the Sulu invaders to stand down, pointing out that they’re hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned. The Malaysian government cannot possibly give them what they want: a Malaysian state. Since Malaysian cops have already been killed in action, I doubt there’s any negotiation happening on the ground. If the Sulu invaders can’t be persuaded to surrender, they are doomed, and I won’t feel sorry for them.

  119. 119.

    SRW1

    @Amir Khalid:

    As you mentioned, the Philipino president doesn’t seem very keen on exploiting this ‘opportunity’. Kind of hard to see how there is any perspective for the invaders.

    It also doesn’t sound like they have that much local support. Maybe it’s easier to understand the whole thing close up, but from a large distance it looks like a guy with some historical claims not many people considered relevant any more started something that quickly escalated out of control.

  120. 120.

    Suffern ACE

    @SRW1: I doubt the Philippines has much interest in creating a quasi-independent sultanate within its territory. Governors in all of its provinces except one sultanate ruled by a royalist who keeps his own army? How stable could that be? (I know there are folks with private armies in the philippines, but I think you’d want to discourage them from starting wars with your neighbors).

  122. 122.

    Herbal Infusion Bagger

    The only time I had a real shave with a straightedge was in Aswan by an elderly barber who must have really hated Western infidels. I was bleeding from at least eight spots and desperately hunted down some antibiotic spray afterwards to reduce the chance of infection.

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