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Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Since we are repeating ourselves, let me just say fuck that.

One way or another, he’s a liar.

Speaker Mike Johnson is a vile traitor to the House and the Constitution.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

Today’s gop: why go just far enough when too far is right there?

The “burn-it-down” people are good with that until they become part of the kindling.

Stop using mental illness to avoid talking about armed white supremacy.

We are aware of all internet traditions.

“woke” is the new caravan.

Trump should be leading, not lying.

The only way through is to slog through the muck one step at at time.

Text STOP to opt out of updates on war plans.

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

He really is that stupid.

No one could have predicted…

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

They think we are photo bombing their nice little lives.

The current Supreme Court is a dangerous, rogue court.

We know you aren’t a Democrat but since you seem confused let me help you.

Our messy unity will be our strength.

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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Open Thread

Open Thread

by John Cole|  March 21, 20138:19 pm| 305 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads

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I haven’t caught any of this on film yet because it happens so quickly, but there is some serious foreplay going down in the Cole Household these days. Tunch has become interested in ZsaZsa beyond eating her, and their interactions are really cute. Fatboy walks slowly up to her, they engage in mutual sniffing, and I think romance is in the air.

On an unrelated or maybe somewhat related note, I’ve decided I am going to lose a bunch of weight, change my lifestyle, get my shit together, and maybe foster a child in the next year or two. I’m not going to get married any time soon, at 42 a newborn seem like a really bad idea, so I think I am going to work on getting my life and everything else in order and then try to bring a kid into the household. I’ve proven to myself over the last decade I can keep things alive and healthy and I love my godson, so I guess I am just ready for the next step. I think I need a year to lose some weight and get my energy levels high enough to deal with a foster kid, and then after that I am going to set the wheels in motion. I’m sure there is a good kid out there (both of us would probably be best off if he or she is ages 9-13) who would be better off in my little sanctuary than in their current circumstances. I have good insurance, a stable support system with my parents and siblings and friends and coworkers, and a job. I could change someone’s life (not to mention my own).

And, as you all know, once I make a decision like this and announce it on the website, it happens.

So that is done. And I’ve thought about this for years, so please spare me the comments telling me “it’s not just something you jump into,” especially when half the country has kids by mistake and aren’t even jumping, they are falling off a cliff.

So like I said. That decision is done. It’s just about making it happen now.

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Reader Interactions

305Comments

  1. 1.

    Johnny Coelacanth

    March 21, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    That’s a big deal, John. More power to you. I don’t doubt you’ll make a great foster dad. First things being first, please post the details of your weight loss plan; some of us other fat bastards might want to lose along with you.

  2. 2.

    Baud

    March 21, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Is this going to delay the site upgrade?

  3. 3.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Younger Next Year: Live Strong, Fit, and Sexy – Until You’re 80 and Beyond

    of course you have to actually DO something too.

    “The key to the program is found in Harry’s Rules: Exercise six days a week. Don’t eat crap. Connect and commit to others. There are seven rules all together, based on the latest findings in cell physiology, evolutionary biology, anthropology, and experimental psychology. “

  4. 4.

    arguingwithsignposts

    March 21, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Tunch has become interested in ZsaZsa beyond eating her,

    … um.

  5. 5.

    Elmo

    March 21, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Wow. You’re brave, and a good man, John. For me, I’d be terrified for my animals: I’ve heard too many foster horror stories.
    But I’m a coward too, so there’s that.
    Seriously you’re a mensch.

  6. 6.

    Jebediah

    March 21, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Good for you!

  7. 7.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    This is either an early April Fools joke or you’ve left the gas on. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

  8. 8.

    Jackmac

    March 21, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Good for you John. God knows there are plenty of kids out there who need — and can thrive — in a loving home. Go for it!

  9. 9.

    eemom

    March 21, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Since it’s an open thread, and I’m still ecstatic, I’ll say it again — my baby got into the University of Virginia!!!

    eta: sorry y’all, but this is seriously one of the happiest days of my life.

  10. 10.

    pacem appellant

    March 21, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead motivated me to try the juice fast. Fad diets come and go, but I’m not a heavy guy, and I still lost weight. And the juice is good. I never felt hungry or at a loss for energy (though running after small children was harder). I still have juice for breakfast.

  11. 11.

    the Conster

    March 21, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    @arguingwithsignposts:

    LOL. Dirty minds think alike.

  12. 12.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    You can’t hoard children John. You have to register them with the government and raise them and stuff. When you have them, a nice lady comes in to the hospital room before you leave and tells you how to keep children alive until they can fend for themselves.

    Take this post down. We’ll talk about it.

  13. 13.

    khead

    March 21, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    I suggest helping a kid from southern WV.

  14. 14.

    The Bobs

    March 21, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    I made the big change two years ago John, I went from 216 lbs to 170 lbs and have stayed there since. I’m older than you are and made a permanent change, you can do it too. You have to want to change yourself at a fundamental level, just wanting to look better won’t do it.

    And don’t be afraid to leave the old John behind, he’s already gone anyway.

  15. 15.

    cbear

    March 21, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Good for you, Cole, good for you.
    I wish I was in a situation where I could do the same.

  16. 16.

    Wiesman

    March 21, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    I’ve got two kids. Make an offer. I kid!

    I think you’ll be great. That opinion is next to meaningless because I only know you from reading this blog for the last 6 years and you don’t know me at all, but I offer it anyway.

  17. 17.

    Elizabelle

    March 21, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    I like your plan. Go for it!

    Some foster kid will be very lucky (or at least will get a great screenplay out of the experience).

  18. 18.

    the Conster

    March 21, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    @efgoldman:

    You might have made a category error with who Fatboy is.

  19. 19.

    Elizabelle

    March 21, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    @eemom:

    Wahoo!

    That’s great news.

  20. 20.

    Redshirt

    March 21, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    What about that girl? Is she in the picture? Four hands better than two.

  21. 21.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    @eemom: Way to go! Scholarship?

    eta I was talking to a UVA grad last night and he said they were all male, for freshman at least, into the 70’s.

  22. 22.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    @arguingwithsignposts: Yeah, I saw that too.

    @ Cole: Bicycle. It’s fun, it is effective, it won’t fuck up your knees and ankles while you are losing weight, and the inevitable bloody, road-rash-inducing wrecks caused by Rosie darting out in front of you will keep the Balloon Juice community amused.

    @eemom: Congrats, well done by the kid. Just sit there and be proud for a while.

  23. 23.

    akat

    March 21, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    My parents have fostered three “sets” of kids after having four of their own. They have found it… very challenging. I hope that it goes better for you, sir.

  24. 24.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    @eemom: That’s really awesome. Congratulations to your daughter and you!

  25. 25.

    David Koch

    March 21, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    @eemom: pictures or it didn’t happen.

  26. 26.

    Kesovich

    March 21, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    Good Job, John! Speaking as an adoptee, I applaud your decision!

  27. 27.

    Darkrose

    March 21, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    @eemom: Grats to the kid–and to you!

  28. 28.

    TGC

    March 21, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    Awesome! Sounds like a plan.

  29. 29.

    jl

    March 21, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    @arguingwithsignposts: Big reversal, true. but sounds like things are going in the right direction. Given the fixing up of both cats, this will be a platonic relationship, or not?

    The weight and foster kid plans are ambitious and laudable on Cole’s part.
    The foster kid/bog interaction angle would have to be thought through carefully beforehand, I think.

    Cole’s pets are (IMHO) pissed off enough about Cole’s gossiping about them on the blog. That may be why a few of them plot singly or severally from time to time to assassinate Cole.

    A human in the same house with a daily blog with a blogmaster who spills beans is a whole ‘nother level.

  30. 30.

    gogol's wife

    March 21, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    @Redshirt:

    Yes, what ever happened to her?

  31. 31.

    cbear

    March 21, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    @eemom: Congrats eemom!

  32. 32.

    Thoughtcrime

    March 21, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    You can remain a fat bastard and still love kids: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXekH_8vXnM

  33. 33.

    eemom

    March 21, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Thanks everyone!

    @raven:

    No scholarship, but one of the advantages of living in this godforsaken state is it costs half of what it would anywhere else for a first rate college!

  34. 34.

    IowaOldLady

    March 21, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    You’re talking about a great age for a kid. If I could have a 10 year old boy forever, I would.

  35. 35.

    gogol's wife

    March 21, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    @eemom:

    Congratulations!

  36. 36.

    Thoughtcrime

    March 21, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    @eemom:

    Congrats – great school.

  37. 37.

    Sammi

    March 21, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    You can date a single mom and develop a great relationship with the kid. Win, win, win

  38. 38.

    ChrisNYC

    March 21, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Oh John Cole! Good for you. I’m doing it too. Not this year. Next. I think it’s a great great thing to do or to try to do.

  39. 39.

    gogol's wife

    March 21, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    I’ve just realized that more people have asked about the mustard than about the woman he fell in love with in Austin.

    ETA: And I include myself in that.

  40. 40.

    Quicksand

    March 21, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    @pacem appellant:

    And the juice is good.

    You like-a the juice, eh?

  41. 41.

    jl

    March 21, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Not that a person like Cole would lose his mental sh*t and yap about the kid on the blog in way that might produce interesting consequences in the future. I can never imagine that happening.

  42. 42.

    NotMax

    March 21, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Two things:

    No more nude mopping, that’s for sure.

    And pants of some sort are kind of required.

  43. 43.

    jl

    March 21, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    @eemom: Good news. Congrats to you and your kid.

  44. 44.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    @gogol’s wife: Which one was more likely to be a lasting relatiunship?

  45. 45.

    Mary G

    March 21, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Good for you, Cole. I lost 35 pounds between March and December of last year, then fell off the wagon at Christmas and have struggled ever since, gaining back five or six. It’s getting warmer, though, and I always do better in warm weather, so it’s back on the Weight Watchers for me.

    I have a good friend who took in three foster kids and ending up adopting all of them (two are siblings, which is cool) and handles it great despite being a single woman with a full time job. And she’s not thin, either.

    @eemom: Congratulations!

  46. 46.

    VFX Lurker

    March 21, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Sounds good to me. Wishing you health and success!

  47. 47.

    lamh35

    March 21, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    @eemom:
    Congrat on gettin the kid in college. When my younger sister lived with me during her junior and senior year of high school, her first acceptance letter to the school she really wanted to attend had her and I on cloud nine til she moved into the dorms. This time next year, she’ll be graduating. Feels like just yesterday, I was living in DFW and driving her down for Freshman orientation.

  48. 48.

    ruviana

    March 21, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    @gogol’s wife: I keep wondering about “ladyfriend.” What happened to her?

  49. 49.

    Darkrose

    March 21, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    Good luck, John. Three pieces of advice:

    1. Don’t try to change everything at once. This isn’t an overnight process.

    2. Do try to focus on sustainable changes. Think about what you can realistically do and start there; you can always adjust later. I started a couple weeks ago doing 5 minutes a night on the recumbent bike. Now I’m up to 15-20 and maybe I’ll get to 30 minutes, but setting an easily attainable goal that I could meet and continue means that I don’t start out by setting myself up for failure.

    3. Sort through all the advice people will give you–including this–and take what works for you and ignore the rest.

  50. 50.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    @eemom: I heard Liberty is free for residents!

  51. 51.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    @eemom: Is UVA her first choice school or might there be decisions to be made?

  52. 52.

    mtmofo

    March 21, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    Just a thought from a long-time lurker.

    Is there a Big Brother/Big Sister operation in your area? Maybe get some kid exposure AND some healthy exercise at the same time. The kid can give ya pointers on child-rearing etc if you want to go up to the Fostering level.

    The handsome god-son is all well and good, except he’s not talking back at ya with an attitude…yet.

    Whatever you do, best of luck all around.

  53. 53.

    Joseph Nobles

    March 21, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    Letting another creature with opposable thumbs into your household is indeed a big step. Good luck!

  54. 54.

    kansi

    March 21, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    Your life will never be the same. May you be blessed beyond imagining.

  55. 55.

    Redshirt

    March 21, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    Here’s an easy way for everyone to lose weight, and keep it off.

    Reduce your portion sizes. If you used to have two hamburgers, have one. And so on.

    Soda/junk food to a minimum.

    Exercise more. Make it part of your day, nearly every day. Mix it up, but always be moving at some point in the day. For example, a stationary bike or stairmaster or elliptical trainer is great cuz you can do it when you want and watch TV. The TV part can be key.

  56. 56.

    hells littlest angel

    March 21, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    Switch to a vegetarian diet, and fast one or two days a week. Do it for two months and check the results.

  57. 57.

    piratedan

    March 21, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    @Johnny Coelacanth: doing the gastric sleeve here, just met with the doc today after months of research and sitting in weight loss chat rooms and seminar sittings. Happy to be doing “something” at last. Supposedly insurance covers 80% (for which I am grateful) and after trying so many diets and failed game plans it came to me that I eat/ate because I am hungry and as such, the spiral begins….

  58. 58.

    some guy

    March 21, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    we have a chosen family. best thing we ever did. hard as hell, but all the great things in life are.

  59. 59.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    @piratedan: Take a look at the book I posted above.

  60. 60.

    dr. bloor

    March 21, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Mazeltov, Cole, for all of it. Don’t go waiting for feline grandkids anytime soon, though.

  61. 61.

    lamh35

    March 21, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    as for John good luck guy. Your older than I, but at 36, I’m the oldest grandchild of my generation in my family, so everyone of my cousins are younger than I am…the youngest being my Goddaughter maddie and she’s 2.

    My younger sister was born when I was 15. My mom was a single working mom, so needless to say, I spend alot of time babysitting and watching my lil sister. It was the best darn birth control ever.

    When she was 15, she moved in with me (I was 31) I was ready to kill her within the first year and thereafter. When she moved out for college, I missed her alot, but was glad to have my own space back.

    So if your serious, good luck to ya john.

  62. 62.

    gogol's wife

    March 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    @ruviana:

    She turned out to just be a college buddy. But the one in Austin . . .

    By the way, that’s great about Tunch and Zsa Zsa. Sniffing is good. They’ll be friends.

  63. 63.

    bystander

    March 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    I second the individual upthread who suggested a bicycle. For this kind of endeavor they’re highly versatile; the effort you expend can be as hard or as easy as you like. And, um, not to be, er, too pointed, or impolite, there are some frames and wheelsets that could stand up to a beefy guy.

    Just don’t attempt any bunny hops over Rosie. Just run over her if she darts in front. I’m learning to live with a plate and 5 screws for a tibial plateau fracture (7-8 mm displacement)as a result of my try. I think the orthopedic bill for the dog would have been cheaper than mine. And, as you already know, rehab is a fookin bitch.

    Also, too, re: fostering a child, you might find this useful.

    What Foster Parents Wish Other People Knew

  64. 64.

    JWL

    March 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    You’re a good guy, Cole. Best of all, you possess a smart courage.

    Carry on.

  65. 65.

    eemom

    March 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    TOTALLY her first choice.

    We were afraid to get our hopes up, because it is intensely competitive in our high achieving area of NoVA…..and so that is why it is so exceptionally YAAAAAAAAY!!!!

  66. 66.

    SiubhanDuinne

    March 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Late arriving to the thread, but it makes me very happy. I love the idea of John as a foster dad, I love the idea of a little feline sniffy-sniffy between Tunch and Zsa-Zsa, and I am thrilled and excited for eemom and her kid. Well done all!!

  67. 67.

    Eric U.

    March 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    last year I got serious about losing weight beyond my exercise obsession. I set a goal of losing weight very slowly. If you lose a pound a week for a year, that’s 50 pounds off. But once you get started, it gets much easier to lose a little more. You don’t want to lose more than 5 pounds a week. Just look at the calories of what you eat. I actually figured out that just using less peanut butter reduced quite a bit of calories from my diet. There are lots of things like that I was eating and it didn’t take much thinking to figure out what they were

  68. 68.

    Higgs Boson's Mate

    March 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    @eemom:

    Congratulations, and well done to you both.

  69. 69.

    Redshirt

    March 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    @hells littlest angel: I like all this, but it’s too drastic. And the big-big changes are what cause people to yo-yo in their weight loss efforts. That’s why I think anyone seriously trying should go pretty easy. Reducing portion sizes/increasing exercise is a great way to start. Later, if you hit the wall, bigger changes.

  70. 70.

    David Koch

    March 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Black Jimmy Carter receiving thunderous standing ovation in J-Town

    https://twitter.com/jpaceDC/status/314760478180143106/photo/1/large

  71. 71.

    Spaghetti Lee

    March 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    They always say losing weight works better when you do it with other people. Maybe a bunch of commenters could try to do it together? I know I could afford to drop 30 pounds or so.

  72. 72.

    lamh35

    March 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    ok so another relationship question: Watching the episode of Martin (for non-urban tv watchers, google Martin Lawrence tv show) where Martin goes with his girlfriend Gina to shoe shop after he decides he doesn’t trust the dude who she usually goes with and seemingly loses his mind while in the shoe store…lol.

    Having never shopped with a dude before, I just gotta ask, is it REALLY that bad guys when ya’ll have to go shoe shopping or clothes shopping with your girl?

    Martin’s line to old dude who would go with Gina and Pam to when they went shoe shopping was that no straight man he knew would willingly sit in a store for hours with a woman he wasn’t trying to “get to know better”. And this dude wanted to know Pam “better”…lol

  73. 73.

    gogol's wife

    March 21, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    @efgoldman:

    yes, I hope they can keep their present president, she sounds good.

  74. 74.

    Anya

    March 21, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    Can someone explain to me why is Israel going all the way for jailed former US Navy Intelligence analyst Jonathan Pollard? He’s an American citizen, so why is it Israel’s business how America deals with an American citizen who betrayed his OWN country? I am genuinely surprised they’re putting all this heavy weight behind a traitor. I mean, shouldn’t they be a little ashamed that they were spying on their “friend”?

  75. 75.

    Shana

    March 21, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    @eemom: Mazel Tov! Undergrad? Do you live in Virginia? (yeah, in-state tuition! if that’s the case) Area of study?

  76. 76.

    ACK

    March 21, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    Good for you on the foster care decision! I’m a clinical social worker with some experience in that area. There are so many needy kids out there!

    A couple of recommendations. I would suggest a 7 to 10 year old. Early teenage years can be tough. If you get the child when younger, it will give you time to build a relationship to better weather those teenaged years.

    Also, there are a number of non-profit agencies that have great foster care training and are also able to provide continuous support for foster parents. Rather than going with the state foster care, you may want to look into one of these agencies.

  77. 77.

    chrismealy

    March 21, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    Good for you, John!

  78. 78.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    @Spaghetti Lee: It depends, I’ve always been a gym rat even when I was a boozer. I swim every day, it’s a habit and I hardly have to think about it. Sure, there are a couple of people at the pool that I shoot the shit with but, once I get going, it’s just me.

  79. 79.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    @eemom: Extra cool then.

  80. 80.

    Litlebritdifrnt

    March 21, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    @Mary G:

    My neighbors started out fostering and ended up adopting all three of their foster kids. Two girls and a boy. The last one they were giving up to a family for adoption and the family called them the week they were supposed to pick up the boy and said “could you keep him for another week we want to go on vacation?” My neighbor told her that they could take the kid out of their cold dead hands. Fun fact the two girls (one severely malnourished, the other had her feet almost burnt off by being put into motel hot bath water by her sibling) I heard one day playing “oh my goodness there is a shark (while playing in the pool), who will save us, who will save us, oh here come’s Mommy! Mommy will save us!” I love the way that Mommy is their superhero.

  81. 81.

    some guy

    March 21, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    @bystander:

    you would not believe the incredibly stupid, offensive, racist, cruel, and asinine things we have been told, IN FRONT OF our kids. they are young but they are not fucking deaf, idiots.

    people can be real assholes sometimes

  82. 82.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    @Anya: Pollard renounced his American citizenship and was granted Israeli citizenship.

  83. 83.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    @lamh35: Hell yes it is! We are building a major addition and I agreed to go to Atlanta to antique joints a couple of weeks back. We fiddled around all damn day and then, on the way home, she says “oh, we weren’t there to buy anything, just get ideas!”

  84. 84.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    @Anya:

    Can someone explain to me why is Israel going all the way for jailed former US Navy Intelligence analyst Jonathan Pollard? He’s an American citizen, so why is it Israel’s business how America deals with an American citizen who betrayed his OWN country? I am genuinely surprised they’re putting all this heavy weight behind a traitor. I mean, shouldn’t they be a little ashamed that they were spying on their “friend”?

    We’re talking about the same country that killed defenseless aid workers on a rescue flotilla, right? I think “evil” is as good a reason as any.

  85. 85.

    Jackie

    March 21, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    John, congratulations!!! You sound sincere, so I’m sure you are :) Just, please, don’t make your foster child be a Steeler’s fan! Go for the Seahawks! ;D

  86. 86.

    some guy

    March 21, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    if they can murder Rachel Corrie and get away with it why shouldn’t they try to free a traitor?

  87. 87.

    rikyrah

    March 21, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    good for you, Cole. work on you

  88. 88.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    @lamh35: I used to go shopping with my ex. We would get stuff for me too (I have a lot of shoes for a guy).

  89. 89.

    Dave M.

    March 21, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    John, you probably don’t want any diet advice, but here goes…

    We’re the same age, and probably pretty close to the same weight. Since I got out of the reserves 8 years ago, my weight has been creeping up, despite exercising about 5 times a week and trying to eat right.

    I’ve been on the Wheat Belly Diet for 9 days, and it’s working miracles. I was highly skeptical because all you hear is how good wheat and whole grains are for you, but it turns out the opposite is true.

    Clothes started fitting looser after 4 days, and at day 6 I started trying on clothes I hadn’t worn in over a year because they had gotten too tight. It’s not difficult, and you can eat whenever you want. It’s not “just” a gluten-free diet, it’s not “no carb”, it’s basically no wheat and avoid foods with high glycemic index.

  90. 90.

    Anya

    March 21, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Fuck the traitor. But why does Israeli’s expect America to grant amnesty or clemency to someone who betrayed his own country then renounced his citizenship? I am just amazed by their impudence.

  91. 91.

    bystander

    March 21, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    @some guy:

    Yep. That’s why I thought that piece might be useful for John to have. Forewarned / Forearmed and all that. But, that’s not to set aside the really joyous elements the author describes.

  92. 92.

    Higgs Boson's Mate

    March 21, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    @lamh35:

    I enjoy shopping with my wife. It gives us a chance to be together away from our usual environment.

  93. 93.

    TS

    March 21, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    @Elmo:

    Wow. You’re brave, and a good man, John. For me, I’d be terrified for my animals: I’ve heard too many foster horror stories.

    As have I – and you have to be seriously committed. Older children have lived through much trauma and often multiple carers. They have serious issues in so many different areas. Becoming a foster parent takes commitment and patience – it doesn’t happen quickly.

    There are alternatives of interacting with children without providing a home for a child 24 x 7. I have little knowledge of same but worth finding details from those who work in such areas.

    This is looking at serious lifestyle changes – I can only join the others in endorsing the positive approach. Losing the weight will be easy in comparison to the rest.

    Diet advice – count calories – eat what you like in smaller portions – alcohol and soda drinks are empty calories – they really should go – after about 6 months you’ll stop feeling hungry all the time.

  94. 94.

    boss bitch

    March 21, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I’m getting teary eyed. You are such a good person John. Any kid would be lucky to have you.

  95. 95.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I still think this is a bad idea, John. Get a twelve pack of Old Milwaukee and watch Nickelodeon for twenty four straight hours before making up your mind.

  96. 96.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    March 21, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    @Anya: I think Israelis (the gov’t) have a much better understanding of the US-Israeli relationship than Americans (the people, and much of the gov’t).

    @Dave M.: Is that the same or a version of the paleo diet?

  97. 97.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    When I was 15, my girlfriend was getting evicted from her foster home so I talked my parents into becoming foster parents. THAT was a mistake. She was a fucking train wreck. Like they say, you don’t really know someone until you live with them.

  98. 98.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    @Anya: They are fighting for someone who did a service for them.

  99. 99.

    Sandra

    March 21, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    You don’t need to lose weight to start the Foster Parent process. Just get online and begin!
    The whole experience is life changing on it’s own. You’re ready to have a son or daughter.
    Your “gang” is ready for a sissy or a bro.!

  100. 100.

    master c

    March 21, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    What a lucky kid!!!!!

  101. 101.

    Anya

    March 21, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: @some guy: Fair enough! Still flabbergasted by the audacity. I am all like, “duuuuude, you spied on us. You’re sure you wanna be reminding us of this?

  102. 102.

    hells littlest angel

    March 21, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    @Spaghetti Lee: Lose weight online? I don’t know … maybe if you automatically debited my checking account $50 a month …

  103. 103.

    JPL

    March 21, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Balloon Juice is a happy place tonight.

    @eemom: Jumping for joy!

  104. 104.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    @Anya: Think of Israel as the country equivalent of Dick Cheney.

  105. 105.

    some guy

    March 21, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    @Anya:

    I am opposed to capital punishment, but I am willing to make an exception.

  106. 106.

    Redshirt

    March 21, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Please remember John’s agility levels when recommending exercise routines! Bicycling – outside! – is a sure fire way to maim/kill him within a few weeks.

    Is there some kind of jello aerobics you could try?

  107. 107.

    Jane2

    March 21, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    You’d be an amazing foster dad. You have unconditional love that expands to all of the living beings in your household and any child would thrive with that.

  108. 108.

    Anya

    March 21, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Do you think POTUS will release him then?

  109. 109.

    Phoenix_rising

    March 21, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    Small Bad Dog Owner Weight Loss Plan:

    Step 1) Take down part of your fence.

    Step 2) Buy the leash-twirly-thing that allows you to walk two small dogs without risking being tied to a fire hydrant (it happened to me, and it was a trauma).

    Step 3) Enjoy your new feeling of lightness.

    Seriously, it worked for us. My wife I and have lost a total of 75 pounds since we got the second dog last April. Our kid, who was a tiny adorable little orphan when we met her almost 13 years ago, has gained 15 of those, in muscle.

    Babies are a hell of a lot easier than 13 year olds. Just sayin’, it was the lazy dude’s route to say ‘Yeah, we can love and care for a baby’. Because babies are easy to love and care for. As I have learned recently, 13 year olds can be a pain in the neck. My mom and aunts tell me this too shall pass, but can’t promise a date certain.

    Good luck.

  110. 110.

    hells littlest angel

    March 21, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    @Redshirt:

    It’s not so drastic if you just commit to living that way for the rest of your life. Er, let me re-phrase that … it’s not so drastic if you don’t do it with the idea that you’ll eventually go back to your unhealthy eating habits.

  111. 111.

    maya

    March 21, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    Congrats all the way around, JC and eemom. Spring fever definitely in the air.

    I lost a bunch of weight (50lbs) several years back – sort of a modified low carb Atkinson diet, but without the pork rinds. That and corndogs have got to be the most disgusting food ever created by man. Anyway, lost 4 lbs a week (I get plenty of exercise working around the homestead) and all I had to do was stay away from white food. You’d be surprised how good a hamburger is just wrapped in lettuce.

    Over the past few years 30lbs has come back because I drifted. That happens. So it’s time to get the bread and pasta out of the house again and start round two. Good luck to all of us.

  112. 112.

    Jane2

    March 21, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    @eemom: Congrats, eemom!! And eemom’s baby!!

  113. 113.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    @Redshirt:

    Please remember John’s agility levels when recommending exercise routines! Bicycling – outside! – is a sure fire way to maim/kill him within a few weeks.

    I referenced the inevitable accidents when I suggested it. It will be hilarious.

  114. 114.

    Suffern ACE

    March 21, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    @Anya: why don’t they just arrest one of our spies and we’ll do an exchange at some border somewhere? Isn’t that how it’s done?

  115. 115.

    22over7

    March 21, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    My parents kept foster kids for years. Lotsa heartbreak, but so many kids need a home. I’d recommend a boy, though; you’d be more comfortable.

    So go for it with eyes and heart open. The kids I lived with growing up wanted a home, they wanted supper on the table, they wanted shoes without holes in them, and mostly they wanted somebody to give a shit about them.

    And keep us posted on the weight. If I could give up the meat, the cheese, the bread, and the booze, I’d be set.

  116. 116.

    mainmati

    March 21, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    For what it’s worth, John, my wife and i adopted a baby girl from Indonesia (where we had lived a long time) when I was 47. Never looked back; it has been a continuing joy. We had a son we created and she was such a nice complementarity to him. She’s a talented, terrific soccer player – something she would never have become in her birth country – plus having a loving structured home, which she also would not have in an institution.

  117. 117.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    March 21, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    @Anya: This came up on Tweety today, and they said there are rumors (so FWIW) that when Clinton was leaning toward releasing him, his CIA chief threatened to resign. The rumor seems to be that there’s a lot more to the Pollard case than we know. I would support releasing him in return for something real from Israel, like an end to settlements, but the Likudniks don’t budge.

  118. 118.

    JPL

    March 21, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    @Anya: I have no doubt that Potus will give Pollard amnesty as soon as Israel stops settlements and agrees to a two state solution.

  119. 119.

    Anne Laurie

    March 21, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    Good for you, John!

    Second the recommendation that you check out the local Big Brother / Big Sister chapter, for practice.

    If there are ‘active older adult’ exercise groups in your area (water aerobics, tai chi, modified yoga) you can experience being the youngest, fittest, cutest guy in the class, for once in your life.

    And a repeat Netflix recommendation, now more than ever: Patrik, Age 1.5 — yes, it’s available on Instant Streaming.

  120. 120.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    @Anne Laurie: Older adult at 42??? Damn.

  121. 121.

    Biff Deakin

    March 21, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Holy crap dude!

    Long time reader, close to first time commentator here. My favorite part of this site has been following John’s journey from Reasonable but Ornery Republican through to Fierce and Common Sense Defender of Liberalism…but this post – threw me for a total loop…

    You’re gonna actually lose weight?

    No seriously, chosing to be a single male foster dad has to be one of the most awesomest things evar. Hats off to you John.

    Hats off.

  122. 122.

    geg6

    March 21, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Who cares? He’s a fucking traitor. And did I see in a previous thread that one of our emo firebaggers, Napoleon, is going to bat for Pollard in addition to Manning? WTF is wrong with these people? I feel bad for Manning (he thought he was doing a good thing even though he wasn’t) but he broke the law and did it in the area of national security, something he knew was wrong when he did it. He deserves to serve time but not life. But Pollard is a fucking piece of shit who had more loyalty to a foreign government than his own, as illustrated by his renunciation of his citizenship. Fuck him. He should rot there forever.

    @raven:

    I answered your question in the last thread but I’ll repeat here. Koda arrives via Delta at 9:30pm tomorrow night. I’m taking a half day off to go on a Petsmart shopping spree. Very excited!

  123. 123.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    @geg6: I went back and looked and said “YES”!

  124. 124.

    JPL

    March 21, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    @geg6: Make sure you post lots of pics before the site goes down on Sat. evening.

  125. 125.

    dance around in your bones

    March 21, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    @John Cole

    I have not read any comments yet. But I think this is the sweetest idea – the only thing I have to say is that kids of any age can be quite exhausting (I was 18 when I had mine, and my energy level is simply not anywhere near what is was back then, now that I am gonna be 60 at the end of this year).

    Currently I have two grand-boys, age 2 and 4, doing cannonballs from my bed to the futon and screaming like banshees. (Did you know little boys can scream at as high a pitch as little girls? Well, now you do).

    I watch my daughter, who is 41, sometimes having a hard time dealing with her 3 boys. But that’s a multiplication factor. I always used to say never have more than two, one to tuck under each arm in case of an earthquake. (California girl for many years. Baja, too).

    In any case, it’s a big decision, which it sounds like you have not taken lightly, so good on ya! You big-hearted man :)

  126. 126.

    MazeDancer

    March 21, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    @mtmofo:

    Great idea about Big Brother-ing.

    Most Big Brother orgs have years’ long waits of kids waiting for men to mentor them. Big Sisters are available, but Big Brothers are not. Just not enough men volunteer.

    If Mr. Cole would volunteer, he could have both a learning experience with some kids and create an immediate, real life changing time for the kids. And no weight loss necessary.

    But big applause to you, John Cole, for wanting to help kids.

  127. 127.

    NotMax

    March 21, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Seems that ‘Don’t Troll the Cole’ is still in force.

    Which is good, otherwise you-know-who & you-know-who-else would be harping on Mr. Cole’s, like, totally anti-liberal planned emulation of Michelle Bachmann.

    /snark

  128. 128.

    Xecky Gilchrist

    March 21, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    I can’t contribute anything about taking care of a kid but I will echo the suggestions to diet by counting calories. You learn what’s worth eating and what isn’t pretty damn quick, and you’re by far a good enough cook to make interesting food that’s worthwhile.

    Counting calories is fiddly and annoying and even if you lose weight at a safely pokey rate you’re hungry all the time. The only thing the strategy has to recommend it is that it works. I lost 73 pounds in 10 months that way.

    The other thing is to consider it a permanent lifestyle change. In the three years since I lost all that weight I’ve continue the calorie tracking and only put 15 of them back on (and they’re now in the process of going away themselves.)

  129. 129.

    Svensker

    March 21, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Very interesting plan, John. I second the idea of working with Big Brothers or some such in the interim — 9 year olds are tough. A wonderful big-hearted goal but the details can be rough.

    Eemom — congrats!

  130. 130.

    PurpleGirl

    March 21, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Mazel tov. May the universe bring you together with a great child.

  131. 131.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    @geg6: Anya asked a factual question and I answered it. Don’t bitch at me if the answer doesn’t make you happy.

  132. 132.

    Princess Leia

    March 21, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Don’t know if anyone linked to this, but this woman has some great info for foster parenting… http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/category/foster_parenting/

  133. 133.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    @NotMax: I’m glad you popped up, they got my shirts and I needed to call and had forgotten!

  134. 134.

    NotMax

    March 21, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    @raven

    Cool. Only mid-afternoon here, so plenty of time.

    Good deed for the day. Check.

    :)

  135. 135.

    ruviana

    March 21, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    @gogol’s wife: Oh, good to know. Yes, what’s up with the girl in Austin???

  136. 136.

    catperson

    March 21, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Congratulations and best wishes, Cole. That kid is (going to be) lucky to have you.

  137. 137.

    Maude

    March 21, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    @JPL:
    # 126
    Good thought. Anne Laurie will show them. If not before Sat at 6, we may never see them. John will have to tweet them.

  138. 138.

    Biff Deakin

    March 21, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    @Svensker:

    My wife and I had a fascinating interaction with an older woman at a restaurant several years ago, when our oldest was three. Said to us…

    You have a lovely daugther. Please remember the most important ages in her life are between 4 and 7. You will teach her everything in these few short years. After that she starts becoming her own person.

    So I guess that’s my only advice too…why not younger John?

  139. 139.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    @NotMax: Yea, they said to call, said they don’t take credit cards for swag (which I knew)then asked me to write down the address to send the check. I said, “you could just email it”. She said, “oh yea”. You know the whole time we were there we listened to the Reggae station. Irie, mon.

  140. 140.

    radical empiricist

    March 21, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Roll your own diet but KEEP SCORE

    Weigh yourself at least once a week and log what you eat. The easiest food log site I’ve found is myfitnesspal.com because of its slick interface and massive database.

    When my wife made a cherry pie I had a piece for breakfast until it was gone. Logged it and skimped on other stuff to make the calories come out. I’m supposed to be on a low salt diet as well due to Menieres Disease and the damn thing tells me the truth about that as well.

  141. 141.

    mainmati

    March 21, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    @mtmofo: This is a rally good idea and one that has been proven to work including with at-risk kids, especially males.

  142. 142.

    dance around in your bones

    March 21, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    I still think this is a bad idea, John. Get a twelve pack of Old Milwaukee and watch Nickelodeon for twenty four straight hours before making up your mind.

    Truly. I go around singing the theme song to Team Umizoomi all the time, then kinda become aware of what I am doing and go WTF?

    Not to mention all the time I spend watching the kids play Minecraft, which makes me dizzy.

  143. 143.

    geg6

    March 21, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Sorry if I sounded like I was bitching at you but this Pollard shit sends me right around the bend. He’s one of the few arguments in favor of the death penalty that I can get behind.

  144. 144.

    low-tech cyclist

    March 21, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    John – good luck! We’ll be rooting for you. Remember that while exercise is an important part of the equation, most of your weight loss will come from a healthier diet. So turn those culinary skills of yours towards making healthy food yummy – if occasional cooks like me can do it, I know you can!

    @eemom: Dare I taunt you with the fact that UVa was my safety school, fortysome years ago? :D

    But seriously, congratulations!!

  145. 145.

    ChrisNYC

    March 21, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    @Anya: I think the argument in favor of clemency for Pollard, having read about it last time it reared, is that he pled and cooperated. Yet he was given the max, life. Or, out in thirty years. So, the theory is, he expressed remorse, put his spying down to love of Israel and gave info to the US. So, clemency because you should get something for pleading. On those bare facts, persuasive.

    The argument on the other side is that the plea was cynical — intended to give him up on a lesser array of charges than those on which he could have been convicted at trial and that his conduct was much more serious than just the facts underlying the plea. Plus holds in his head intelligence that is still potentially damaging. Which is presumably why the judge imposed life.

  146. 146.

    Violet

    March 21, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Good for you, John. Sounds like a great plan. I third or fourth or however-many the Big Brother suggestion. A guy I worked with did it and had a wonderful time with it. The wife of a guy I knew through work also did it and her Little Sister was well into her twenties when we ran into them all at a movie theater. Long lasting relationship. They all said it was a wonderful experience. Great way to get kid time and help a boy in need at the same time.

  147. 147.

    bystander

    March 21, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    @Redshirt:

    Well, then, a spinning class. When the instructor says to “crank a quarter turn to the right,” John can do an eighth until the quarter becomes tolerable.

    There is a really, really cool piece of equipment I encountered in rehab; recumbent cross trainer. Didn’t use it as a cardio workout; for me it was all about building flexion in the knee post surgery. Some ellipticals have a weight limit. I cast no aspersions on John – haven’t a clue what his weight is, but it could be a limiting factor. Also, some guys find a standing elliptical difficult; the position of their center of mass in relation to their center of rotation can make those tricky. If John is genuinely uncoordinated, it’d be a lot harder for him to fall off a recumbent. And, there’s no danger of darting dogs. A rowing machine is another great energy burner, but not necessarily a comfortable fit for a really large guy; and my own dogs will not leave me alone on mine – there’s a danger of whacking one as the seat slides.

  148. 148.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    I guess zero impact swimming has zero appeal around here.

  149. 149.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Fucking head cold. Someone remind me was Cole thinking about fostering a kid or spying for Israel?

  150. 150.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    @geg6: It’s cool. I think he belongs in jail too.

  151. 151.

    eastriver

    March 21, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Well done.
    It’s the best thing you could do for yourself. A kid will make you a better person. And you get to relive much of your childhood. (You’ll see.)
    Low carb diet. No sugar. No salt. Lots of protein and veggies. The weight will fall off.

  152. 152.

    Gus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    I had my kid at 46. You can do it, too.

  153. 153.

    ranchandsyrup

    March 21, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Good for you Cole. This made me smile.

  154. 154.

    Yutsano

    March 21, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Yes. You’re welcome.

  155. 155.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Both/and.

  156. 156.

    YellowJournalism

    March 21, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    @mtmofo: I second this suggestion. Big Brother programs are in desperate need of guys like you, John, who would bring a lot of new experiences to a child’s life. It would make an excellent reference for when you want to become a foster parent.

    I am looking to start some weight loss here, too. Maybe we should start another BJ weight loss club.

  157. 157.

    Anne Laurie

    March 21, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    @raven: My gym accepts ‘women of all ages & men over 40’. Leaving aside a couple of the trainers, Cole would absolutely be the youngest, cutest guy there — all things being equal, being the ‘fittest’ of a bunch of older creaky people is probably a greater incentive to keep going than being the old fat perv hanging at the back of the room full of twenty-somethings. And there are some cute 30- and 40-something women at my gym, some of them probably single…

  158. 158.

    danielx

    March 21, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    @IowaOldLady:

    Um…I beg to differ. I’ve got a daughter with a learning diability, and believe me, having the same ten year old for nine years is nowhere near the joy people think it is. Though I’d be the first to say that parts of it are very sweet and certainly the first to say that although she has her issues she’s healthy and for the most part happy. Lots of people have problems with kids that are ever so much worse. Taking a kid into the Riley Children’s Hospital neurosurgery unit for checkups gives one a real sense of perspective, as in “I don’t have problems, those people over there with the kid who is a conehead (literally), they’ve got problems.”

    Plus I missed out on having a teenager who was a complete little asshole like Cole was, or me for that matter. Though she still has days (fewer now, praise Jeebus) like when she was fifteen and her head would start spinning around on her shoulders.

    I can take the worries, the continued hauling back and forth, the ever-repeated explanations, trying to get her future set up for the next fifty years…but nineteen years of Disney movies, it’s murder.

    Edit: learning disability or no, it’s one hell of lot easier with two people, Cole. You can’t be there all the time, and it will change your life in ways you can’t begin to imagine.

  159. 159.

    Lori

    March 21, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    John, I’m so happy for you and your to-be foster child!
    You are going to be a great dad.
    (no matter what you weigh!)
    Congrats on your decision.

  160. 160.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    @Anne Laurie: Wouldn’t your gym be a long commute for Cole?

  161. 161.

    TaMara (BHF)

    March 21, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    I am envious of you, John Cole. Good on ya.

  162. 162.

    Narcissus

    March 21, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    Is this going to change the blog? Like, is it going to be pg-13 now? Also, is it going to “become a comic about a baby”, only not a baby and a blog?

  163. 163.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    @Anne Laurie: Yea, the book I am reading discusses the difficulty of hefty middle-aged men working out next to vinny testotorone. Our Y has plenty of women only programs but no age based. I swim at noon and there are some really great mommy swimmers but most of the men are my age.

  164. 164.

    Lol

    March 21, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    @ChrisNYC:

    The main thing is that he was providing info for Israel to turn around and trade to the Soviets amongst others. I’d bet money the intel cost the lives of covert assets, hence the harsh sentence.

  165. 165.

    raven

    March 21, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    @danielx: I have a good friend with a 14 year old who will always be 4. He’s working his ass off trying to carve out some kind of future for the kid when he’s gone.

  166. 166.

    trollhattan

    March 21, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Every child needs a loving home. Comedy and mustard are welcome, but optional. Whomever mentioned pants earlier–agreed, mandatory.

    And seriously, after a JRT, a kid is EEEEEAsy. (I kid, I think)

    Do it. We’ve got yer back.

  167. 167.

    Flying Squirrel Girl

    March 21, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Just wanna say I had a SUCK ASS day and this makes it so much better. John Cole, you are a hero.

  168. 168.

    Anne Laurie

    March 21, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    @raven: I figure first Cole finds a gym he can cope with, that will encourage him to take the next step & find a pool he can use. At least around here, there are way more gyms than pools…

    @Omnes Omnibus: IIRC, Cole’s parents retired from the local college. If there are lots of Active Older Adults With Pensions in Cole’s neighborhood, there should also be classes / programs / gyms catering to that market, right?

  169. 169.

    Redshirt

    March 21, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    @raven: I’d love to swim all the time. Just too difficult to get to any body of water.

  170. 170.

    Anne Laurie

    March 21, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    @raven:

    Yea, the book I am reading discusses the difficulty of hefty middle-aged men working out next to vinny testotorone.

    Also too, Cole tries working out next to a cute lil college coed, he’ll probably pass out from trying to suck in his gut at the same time :)…

  171. 171.

    danielx

    March 21, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    @raven:

    That’s the part that truly sucks, especially since we’re not walking around bent over double with the weight of our assets and our home definitely doesn’t look like Uncle Scrooge’s money bin. You can get things all set up with a trust, arrange to pass guardianship along, all that…but in the end nobody ever loves your child the same way you do, and you’re just having to trust that people will live up to their obligations, familial and otherwise.

  172. 172.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    @Anne Laurie: I guess. And that makes a lot more sense than having him drive up to MA 3-5 days a week.

  173. 173.

    scav

    March 21, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    Lookie lookie, OT bigtime, have-fun-with-kid-cole! Somebody’s accepted technical responsibility for the whole raid the savings scheme: Jeroen Dijsselbloem, Dutch finance minister and head of the eurogroup.

    Dijsselbloem told MEPs that the eurogroup felt it was fairer that Cyprus’s €6bn contribution to its bailout and bank restructuring should come from its bank savers, particularly from “non residents with large deposits”. “The Eurogroup thinks it’s very important that we should have a fair burden share, and that means a larger contribution from large depositors than, of course, from small depositors.”

    That’s extracted from the Guard liveblog. This bit’s nearly the only time he’s mentioned in a NYT article (tiny bit more about Russian loans).

    [Jeroen Dijsselbloem], added that Russian loans to Cyprus would only swell the country’s already unmanageable debt, and that this made it inevitable that Cyprus would have to impose a one-time tax on “investors” rather than on “savers.”

    Horrors! A conditional possible tax/burden/contribution imposed on investers along with same applied to savers. Just so all you members of the economy know your place and importance. (NB: Just saying I think you need both parts for a functioning economy, in my Winnie-ther-Poohish understanding of the system.)

  174. 174.

    Narcissus

    March 21, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Seriously Cole you’ll get attached to this kid and become a responsible person and then no more boozing across state-lines and inviting in strange college kids for pot roast in the middle of the night

    What kind of life is that

  175. 175.

    DeeFromTexas

    March 21, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    I tried to foster children in that age group when I was a bit older than you are–took the classes, had the home study. (I was scared because I have a messy house.) BEWARE–it seemed like they spent half their time telling me that the kids would have major emotional problems and the other half asking “How could a whitebread middleclass single woman expect to deal with a kid who might kill your cats and sell your books for coke money?” In the end I gave up–or at least I didn’t rampage in screaming “GIMME MY KID!!!” I suggest that you check out all of the possible agencies and ask somebody who fostered through them if they were positive and helpful at all. Stupid me, I assumed they all would be. ‘Older kids’ are a drug on the market–you’d think they’d want to huckster them more. Maybe I’m still naive after all these years, but I still think that ALL foster kids can’t be psycho.

  176. 176.

    ruemara

    March 21, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Still holding off 90 of the 110 lbs I lost last year. The food insecurity thing combined with the crazy blood pressure thing kind of ganged up on me, but I’ll be getting back on the diet path after my ultrasound tomorrow. So get up and go do it. I do recommend water aerobics for no impact workouts and good old fashioned walking. It keeps the dogs happy and introduces some variety to the workouts.

    Also: Kids. Volunteer with Big Brothers. It gets you some experience. I was hoping that by now (43) I’d be the proud owner of a little house, senior designer at a decent agency and happy adoptive mom to 2 sibs, 3 cats and big ass dog. Things aren’t always where you’d like them to be. Go for building the family you’d like to have. Do it. I wish you much luck and happiness.

  177. 177.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    @Biff Deakin:

    why not younger John?

    He needs someone old enough to call the rescue squad when he has a naked mopping accident.

  178. 178.

    Genine

    March 21, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Congrats, eemom!

    And Cole… good on ya. :-)

  179. 179.

    mai naem

    March 21, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Good for you on the weight. Sorry to be the negative one on the fostering, but, jayzus, I think you need to do some Big Brother stuff and look after your godson alone for like a couple of weeks or something before you do the fostering. I love my nieces and nephew(and they’re all good pretty well adjusted kids) but, fostering a kid, oy vey?

  180. 180.

    Anya

    March 21, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Cole works in a mysterious job and travels a lot. What do you think?

    Everyone, thanks for answering all of my questions. I am glad I am not the only person this case annoys.

  181. 181.

    Narcissus

    March 21, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    “Dad do you actually skullfuck kittens?”

    “Because if so then I guess we really do have something in common”

    “Boy that Sarah Palin sure is smart”

    “I want to be just like her when I grow up”

  182. 182.

    Ultraviolet Thunder

    March 21, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    So like I said. That decision is done. It’s just about making it happen now.

    Well alrighty then. I can hardly wait for the hijinx to begin.

  183. 183.

    West of the Rockies

    March 21, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    An intelligent father with a sense of humor who is kind to animals… a kid could do a lot worse. Go for it, John, and best wishes.

  184. 184.

    poco

    March 21, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    This is great, Cole!

    Winds to your wings–love you for doing this. I am seriously awe-struck by your generosity and openness.

  185. 185.

    koalaholik

    March 21, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    @piratedan: A friend had that done last summer and has lost 96 pounds so far. She is very glad she had it and has no regrets. I called Kaiser yesterday to get set up for surgery – 6 to 9 months wait and I pay 50% but everytime I lose any weight I gain back more than I lost. As a doctor told me – it is just another tool to better health. Good luck with your surgery.

  186. 186.

    mothra

    March 21, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    God bless you! I am sure we have more advice for you about taking care of kids than you can possibly handle.

  187. 187.

    msskwesq

    March 21, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    @Baud: LOL!

  188. 188.

    LT

    March 21, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Holy fuck.

    Bravo! This almost complete stranger says you’ll be a great father! So there ya go!

  189. 189.

    danielx

    March 21, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Fatboy walks slowly up to her, they engage in mutual sniffing, and I think romance is in the air.

    I thought both of them have had their plumbing disconnected, but if not, you know the inevitable result:

    Kittens on the verge of a nervous breakdown.*

    *Courtesy of The Editors at the defunct(?) and much-lamented Poor Man Institute.

  190. 190.

    gopher2b

    March 21, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Don’t know if anyone recommended it but myfitnesspal app on Iphone/Android is wonderful. I lost 25 lbs using it going from 235 to 210. For the first week, just record what you eat. You’ll be shocked how many calories on in food. After that, always ALWAYS enter the food BEFORE you eat it. You will control yourself if you know what you’re doing beforehand. And give up booze for at least a month, so many calories in the devil’s drink.

  191. 191.

    Mnemosyne

    March 21, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    @danielx:

    I think I mentioned this before, but we are all very proud of my cousin, who is able to live on her own with some support (cleaning people, family checking on her occasionally, help with grocery shopping, etc.) She takes paratransit to her part-time job and has a ton of friends.

    It did take a long time and a LOT of work for her to get to the point where she could handle this much independence (she was in her late 30s when her parents were finally able to buy my grandmother’s condo for her), but it can be done. It also helped that the state of Illinois had a lot of resources to help along the way, both public and private.

  192. 192.

    lojasmo

    March 21, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    Walk…a lot.

    Lift some heavy shit.

    Sprint a little.

    Eat meat, and vegetables. Some fruit, a little dark chocolate. some wine.

    AVOID GRAINS. No wheat, barley, rye, rice, or corn.

    Play…a lot.

    Congrats on your decisions.

  193. 193.

    LT

    March 21, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Do we get to vote on a name? Like with the cat?

    I vote Glenn.

  194. 194.

    Gravenstone

    March 21, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: In that case, I suggest we hand him over. We can conduct the handover by kicking him out the door, at around 20,000 feet.

  195. 195.

    danielx

    March 21, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    @Mnemosyne:

    Yes. We’re looking at the possibility of co-buying a house with two other couples that would give her and two of her pals going back to kindergarten days a place of their own, with some sort of supervision and assistance through state funding. They’re like sisters anyway – stick up for each other, squabble together and all that, but they all love each other to death. If it works it would be just about ideal; they’d need help, obviously, but it can be done.

    Edit: thanks for the link.

  196. 196.

    beergoggles

    March 21, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    Can’t wait to hear of the new ways you managed to hurt yourself with your kid’s toys and how the kid had to take you to hospital.

  197. 197.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    This kind of group euphoria is really disturbing.
    Listen.
    Kids are not for everyone. They are not for every one.

    This is one of the worst ideas I have heard in some time.
    And I do not mean because Cole is a bad guy or anything against him.
    Cole, find an adult support group where you can mentor young adults who may not yet have found their way.
    Do not. Do. Not. Think you’re ready to foster a child.

  198. 198.

    Jamey

    March 21, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    John, you’re like a father to us all. What’s one more place at the table? Good on you!

  199. 199.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    @Corner Stone: The year of losing weight and getting his life together will cause second thoughts. I don’t think we need to worry.

  200. 200.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    @Corner Stone: With the kinda money he can pull down spying for Israel, he can afford a good nanny like Mrs. Baylock.

  201. 201.

    SatanicPanic

    March 21, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    @Corner Stone: Oh come on, it’s not that hard.

  202. 202.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 10:46 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: They were paying $1500 a month thirty years ago, and that was on top of a $10k down payment. Or at least that is what Pollard got.

  203. 203.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: He’d be stupid NOT to spy for Israel.

  204. 204.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: God dammit. The other fucking traitor had the nanny. This thread is about spying on Boy’s Club.
    Get it straight you fucking hippy.

  205. 205.

    cckids

    March 21, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    @danielx:

    but nineteen years of Disney movies, it’s murder.

    I hear you. Worse is the TV stuff like Dragon Tales, Pokemon, Mickey Mouses’s Clubhouse, etc. Thank FSM for Phineas & Ferb.

    And don’t get me started on Sailor Moon.

  206. 206.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    @SatanicPanic:

    Oh come on, it’s not that hard.

    He could actually use the help looking for the mustard. Unless he accidentally misplaces the kid. Then he just has to hope he put the kid the same place he put the mustard.

  207. 207.

    ChrisNYC

    March 21, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    @Lol: Thanks. That’s interesting. I have read that he traded with other countries, as part of the “he did much worse things than he pled to” line. So that fills that in for me.

  208. 208.

    Cassidy

    March 21, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    You have my email if you want some help putting a routine together.

  209. 209.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    @Corner Stone: I have a head cold. I’m doing the best I can do here under the circumstances.

  210. 210.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I also think he wants someone in the 9-10 range because the kid would be old enough to dial 911 for him.

  211. 211.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: I agree. Sadly, or maybe not so sadly, it reminds me of my childless single sister.
    She simply wasn’t constructed in God’s plan to raise and/or care for a human child. One day she accepted this. And it was good. So now she has a house full of cats.
    And people, trust me, you think I’m not right with the Lord? My sister would have you nominating me for Pope.

  212. 212.

    Joy

    March 21, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    @Dave M.: I second the wheat belly recommendation. Wheat belly led me to The Perfect Health Diet which also eliminates grains and sugars. It is not so much a weight loss diet as a diet designed for optimal health which also leads to weight loss as well as many other benefits, including mood. I’ve been reading so much about nutrition over the past six months and I know it is shocking but the low fat high carb diet recommended by our government is based on politics and special interests but not science. It’s almost bizarro world. Everything conventional wisdom says is good for you isn’t and the things we’ve been told to avoid are actually critical to our well being.

  213. 213.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    @SatanicPanic: You’re right. It’s not that hard really. I mean, if you want them to be like the SNL character who wears rags and jumps onto the table top to wildly chew and spit out apple parts.
    If that’s the desired outcome it’s really pretty easy.

  214. 214.

    fuckwit

    March 21, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Fantastic idea! Go for it!

    After reading a news item on how people in WV are the unhealthiest in the country, with mostly obesity-related and heart-disease-related problems, I was going to suggest Cole go on the Slim-Fast.

    Good idea. Reducing weight is the best thing most people can do to get healthy and live longer.

    And the fostering is a fantastic idea. What a great thing to do to give back to society, to really help make the world a better place. More power to ya.

    Oh, and if you really wanted to lose weight, there’s at least one place that has a good program:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bD4xwK13lGk

  215. 215.

    Dee Loralei

    March 21, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    You’re a big hearted and good man, John Cole. Good luck w/ the weight loss and the fostering. No doubt in my mind that you’ll be a great daddy!

  216. 216.

    cckids

    March 21, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    @danielx:

    you’re just having to trust that people will live up to their obligations, familial and otherwise.

    This. My son just turned 30, and we can’t even begin to worry about the financial end of things if we kick off; (we got nothin’), we can’t even find anyone do give us a couple of hours to see a movie. Except our 2 other kids, they are 18 & 20. Have had MAJOR fights with both of them to get them to go to college out of town; they thought they needed to stay here & keep helping us with their brother. But they need & deserve to get out & build their own lives.

    Just for perspective, my son is quadriplegic, non-verbal, uses a feeding tube, respirator, colostomy & catheter, and has a pressure sore that will not heal from his last hospital stay. But mentally, he is tuned in & pretty happy with life. So when I say my other kids take care of him, you can see that I’m not talking small change. We can’t even find an RN to do respite care for him.

    Yes, I have the most awesome teens/20’s kids in the world.

  217. 217.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Unless he accidentally misplaces the kid. Then he just has to hope he put the kid the same place he put the mustard.

    In that case he’d just go back to the placement checkout line and get a new kid, then tuck him/her into his shirt pocket as he left the area.

  218. 218.

    Mystical Chick

    March 21, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    YEY on the foster child! I know there’s one (or more) who need you, JC. That is so so cool! I can’t wait.

    Good advice on diet: Paleo or low carb will get you where you want to go FAST. My husband did it sorta half-assedly and dropped some pounds.

    And a Tunchie/Zsa romance? If he can have it, so can you! Go find yourself a nice woman, pull your shit together and get adopting! <3

    Happy days at Balloon Juice!

  219. 219.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    I know it’s too late to win the thread but maybe you could just stay sloppy fat and play Santa two weeks a year at the mall, John?

  220. 220.

    Lolis

    March 21, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    I’m super late to this party but this is exciting news. There are so many kids who need love and pets and safety. Can we talk about yoga again?

  221. 221.

    cckids

    March 21, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    @Mnemosyne: That is wonderful, kudos to her parents & your family.

  222. 222.

    lojasmo

    March 21, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    Oh, my solitary snowflake was an antibiotic accident.

    He got his driver’s license today. Huzzah!

  223. 223.

    Hillary Rettig

    March 21, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    what an outstanding post.

    if you are interested in fostering an older kid, check this out:

    http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/orr/resource/unaccompanied-refugee-minors

    Hillary
    (former foster mom of 4 Sudanese refugees)

  224. 224.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    @lojasmo: Congrats on your new designated driver.

  225. 225.

    pkdz

    March 21, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    I work in child protection and I commend you. Even here in Madison, Wisconsin, we have a shortage of foster homes. Learn about Trauma Informed Parenting!

  226. 226.

    Sarah in Brooklyn

    March 21, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    I think this is just about the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. There’s a very lucky I’d out there somewhere.

  227. 227.

    danielx

    March 21, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    @cckids:

    This is true. And after years of Hannah Montana, you wouldn’t believe the explanations I had to go through as to why Miley Cyrus has turned into a complete trollop. (“Hey, she’s a size queen and she likes controlled substances and having her boobs fall out in public. That don’t make her a bad person.”)

    Actually, she’s not – my daughter’s “boyfriend” went to Hollywood to meet her through the Children’s Wish foundation a couple of years ago and she was really great with him. One of the high points of his life, and that’s a big deal for a kid who’s already surpassed his life expectancy by a year or three. Good on her.

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Something to be said for that – considering the list of Cole’s catastrophes minor and major that I’ve read about, he ought to think long and hard about this. Plus no more binges involving Scotch and Led Zeppelin played at sonic levels…

  228. 228.

    LanceThruster

    March 21, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    Good on you, John. You might also be showing the way for others like you in a similar situation so it’s quite possible that there could be a ripple effect that changes the lives of even more deserving children.

    If I wasn’t such a manly man, I’d probably be tearing up a bit right now.

  229. 229.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    @danielx:

    Plus no more binges involving Scotch and Led Zeppelin played at sonic levels…

    Why not?

  230. 230.

    BruceFromOhio

    March 21, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    @Baud: Late, late to the thread, but this is just the best. Thank you.

  231. 231.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    @LanceThruster:

    You might also be showing the way for others like you in a similar situation

    I could give this a go, but respectfully I am going to ask you to please define what you mean by “like you in a similar situation”.
    Thanks

  232. 232.

    Kincade Webb

    March 21, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Good for you!

  233. 233.

    BruceFromOhio

    March 21, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Seriously – the offspring and I would enjoy ‘dance show’ which consisted of dad dj’ing a mix of Vivaldi, Heart, Dixie Chicks, Raffi and Rusted Root while the kids ran around and jumped off the furniture in the living room. It was a great way to get ’em to go to sleep: rile ’em up till they can’t see straight, run around and collapse on the floor. Bedtime!

    They didn’t care for Zeppelin, though, the mix was too flat on the old recordings.

  234. 234.

    Bobby Thomson

    March 21, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    I blame Obama.

  235. 235.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    @BruceFromOhio: We always did that with ELO.

    Don’t bring me down – Bruce!

    Don’t bring me down.. BRUCE!

  236. 236.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Yep, that’s the ticket.

    Cole, do some spin classes at a gym. Seriously. Low impact on the joints but big cardio and strength. You’ll lose weight or I’ll drive to WV and kiss your fat ass.

    Also, too, no potato chips. None. Secret weight adder.

  237. 237.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Wait….that’s not the actual lyric?

    That’s why I liked that song. I thought it was a Springsteen shout out.

  238. 238.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    @BGinCHI: I swear I am encouraging it for the road rash. And the stories of blood and terror on the roadways.

  239. 239.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    @BGinCHI: It’s an artifact of a backwards message wherein Jeff Lynne encourages the listener to impale himself on Satan’s monster cock.

  240. 240.

    gerry

    March 21, 2013 at 11:32 pm

    Good luck John. I have a recommendation: Read “Body For Life” by Bill Phillips. It’s got a great philosophy for exercise and diet. I worked it until I had hand surgery and couldn’t continue. It’s been hard getting back into it, but when I was into it, I looked forward to my 1 hour at the gym almost every day. It was the best I’ve ever felt, and I was buff.

  241. 241.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: You’re a cruel man, OO.

    I think if Cole sweats it out on the spin bike and then can actually get out on the road he’ll live to see 45. He won’t be able to grow hair on his arms or legs, but he’ll live.

    I also think the foster kid is Cole’s way of getting good, reliable help without paying minimum wage. It’s really a pretty smart idea. Those pets don’t do shit.

  242. 242.

    LanceThruster

    March 21, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    @Corner Stone:

    Sure thing. Single, reasonably secure financially with a dependable support group, love to share, the self-knowledge to make such a monumental decision with the consideration it deserves, and willing to makes those changes in lifestyle that might not be entirely conducive to the responsibilities child rearing entails.

  243. 243.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: That must be what “Hey…there…Mr. Blue” means.

  244. 244.

    PurpleGirl

    March 21, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    @Suffern ACE: IIRC, Pollard is in jail in the US. He’s a cause celebre for a lot of people. He should remain in jail and rot. I see no reason to give him to Israel. An American jail is perfect for him.

  245. 245.

    Frank

    March 21, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    Nothing fancy.

    Free weights and a bicycle.

    That’s all you need.

  246. 246.

    Pink Snapdragon

    March 21, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    @eemom: Congratulations eemom. I’ll bet your daughter is floating on air right now.

  247. 247.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    @BGinCHI:

    Those pets don’t do shit.

    Au contraire, that is one of the things they reliably do.

  248. 248.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    @PurpleGirl: They should give him back.

    Fly him over in a C-130 and drop him from 20K feet.

  249. 249.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    @BGinCHI:

    I also think the foster kid is Cole’s way of getting good, reliable help without paying minimum wage. It’s really a pretty smart idea.

    This amuses the absolute fuck outta me. I think you have a small child right now? Just wait amigo. Just wait.

  250. 250.

    YellowJournalism

    March 21, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    @cckids: I am not ashamed to say that it was me and jot my children who got the family hooked on Phineas and Ferb. We channel surfed to it and watched for five minutes one morning. I was hooked. The kids wanted me to turn it to Harry and His Bucket of Dinosaurs (abysmal, annoying piece of crap), and I snapped at them that mommy was going to watch her show instead. Good thing they fell in love with Perry. My youngest has a crush on Candace, I think.

  251. 251.

    BruceFromOhio

    March 21, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: The screaming tribal sounds of “Back to the Earth” by RR was the equivalent. Very tribal.

    Do I … Bring you down?

  252. 252.

    Soonergrunt

    March 21, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Congratulations, John. This is a huge thing.
    If you want, you can have my 18-year-old for a year. He’s still going on 13, but he can feed himself and do his own laundry (more or less) so it will be like training wheels.

  253. 253.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Not a single one of them can open the fridge and get Cole a beer.

    I ask myself: is our pets evolving?

  254. 254.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    @YellowJournalism: P & F is really an adults show that puts kids at ease.
    There’s no tawdriness to it so they could never put it in prime time but that freakin’ show is a revelation man.

  255. 255.

    PurpleGirl

    March 21, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    @22over7: I have a friend whose Mother was declared a “barren woman” by the Roman Catholic Church. At the time she was in her first marriage and had had several miscarriages. Her first husband really wanted children and did not want to adopt. They were granted an annulment.

    Fast forward a few years, my friend’s mother meets a man who had become a Quaker in response to WW2. They fall in love and marry. It’s now the 1960s and medicine has new drugs to help women keep pregnancies. The B’s have 3 or 4 children of their own… but they also foster and adopt kids. Two dozen or so kids, IIRC, from all over the world. My friend says it was hard but her parents had a lot of love and they wanted to share it.

  256. 256.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    @Corner Stone: Wait. You’re not suggesting they don’t grow up to be helpful, cooperative members of the household, are you?

    OMG.

    What have we done?

    /he’s not quite 15 months….

  257. 257.

    Corner Stone

    March 21, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    @BGinCHI: Ok, thank goodness. There’s still time!
    First, locate a thatched reed floating basket. Next, a flowing river that may or may not flow into WVA.
    Place blankets and maybe a paci into the basket. Place the child inside. Float that fucking thing on the river.
    Call a cruise line, one without “Carnival” in the name. Book an extended cruise somewhere.

  258. 258.

    Rita R.

    March 21, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    So happy for you John! Congratulations on your truly wonderful decision. I expect that it will be amazing, tough, fulfilling, crazy, humorous, transcendent, a pain-in-the-ass, beautiful, love-filled and more — just like it is for anyone who welcomes a child into their lives, whether it be by fostering, adoption or the old-fashioned way. You’ll do great.

  259. 259.

    Marcelo

    March 21, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    Congratulations, John! It sounds like an awesome adventure.

    I lost 80 pounds over the course of the last few years, I know what it feels like to finally decide to make a change and make it permanent. My colleague lost 100 along with me. I know from experience the worst thing about losing weight is all the people telling you how to do it because THEIR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY GODDAMMIT, so I won’t inflict my methods upon you other than to say if you do want any input it is available whenever you like.

    Best of luck! You have NO IDEA how making these changes to your health will impact your life in a positive way. I mean, you have an idea, but it’s like that times a million. It’s SO cool.

  260. 260.

    BGinCHI

    March 21, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    @Corner Stone: I found the reed floating basket on ebay. It has 6 days left but I think I can win it.

    Do I put the little replica of the 10 commandments in or is that too much dramatic irony?

    Can’t do a cruise. Thinking maybe sell assets and buy a vineyard in Patagonia.

  261. 261.

    Quaker in a Basement

    March 21, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    I became a dad for the first time at the age of 49. Doesn’t matter how old you are, you’re never completely ready anyway. So go for it! Totally worth it.

  262. 262.

    Batocchio

    March 21, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    Good luck! I’m about to start up my exercise regimen again, too.

  263. 263.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 21, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    I suspect we’re gonna find out John’s mom keeps estrogen caplets in a Vicodin bottle in a classic episode of John’s Oops Life.

  264. 264.

    karen marie

    March 22, 2013 at 12:00 am

    @Joy: ELIMINATE GRAINS AND SUGARS? ARE YOU INSANE?

    srsly.

  265. 265.

    Corner Stone

    March 22, 2013 at 12:03 am

    @BGinCHI: I’d bid pretty strongly on it because if you don’t win, on the 7th day not much really is happening.
    No, don’t burden the kid. They’ll have enough to deal with fetching Papa Cole his mustard and mani/pedi homekit all the time.
    Just saying there’s still time. There’s still time.

  266. 266.

    Sandia Blanca

    March 22, 2013 at 12:06 am

    As the adoptive mom of three kids, I salute you, John Cole. This is a big step forward for you, and you and some lucky kid will have better lives because of it.

  267. 267.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 22, 2013 at 12:09 am

    @Corner Stone:

    They’ll have enough to deal with fetching Papa Cole his mustard and mani/pedi homekit all the time.

    That sentence contains no euphemisms, and that is what makes it really weird.

  268. 268.

    BGinCHI

    March 22, 2013 at 12:12 am

    @Corner Stone: We’ve been wearing rubber masks the whole time, so the good thing is that he doesn’t really know what we look like.

    But if he should ever get his hands on those surveillance tapes….

  269. 269.

    noabsolutes

    March 22, 2013 at 12:12 am

    Aw, good luck!

  270. 270.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 22, 2013 at 12:12 am

    @Corner Stone: I lol’ed.

    “You wanna watch Blues Clues or something, babykins? WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE WE’RE WATCHING THE MOTHER FUCKING HOBBIT AGAIN! NOW PUT THE BIRDSHIT BEARD ON AND LOOK HAPPY ABOUT IT.”

  271. 271.

    BGinCHI

    March 22, 2013 at 12:14 am

    @Omnes Omnibus: If Dickens wrote a novel about Cole’s life it would be called “John Cole’s Bleak House of Chuzzlewit Expectations.”

  272. 272.

    BGinCHI

    March 22, 2013 at 12:16 am

    @Just Some Fuckhead: You know Cole had birdshit in his own beard and is just trying to fob it off on a movie character.

    It’s the clearest cry for help I’ve heard from him in ages.

    ETA: Excluding mustard, of course.

  273. 273.

    Corner Stone

    March 22, 2013 at 12:19 am

    @Just Some Fuckhead: “You wanna know what happens to Barney? YOU REALLY WANNA?!”
    “A BIG FUCKING EXPLODING ROCK DROPS ON HIS HEAD, AND ALL HIS FRIENDS’ HEADS BECAUSE HE DIDN’T BRING HIS PAPA THE MUSTARD HE KNOWS IS ON THE SHELF DOOR OF THE FRIDGE!!”
    “No God dammit! Get back in there and look for it again or I swear to GOD that little bitch Dora is about to find herself face down in the toilet with a little Hillbilly Heroin problem!”

  274. 274.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 22, 2013 at 12:22 am

    @Corner Stone: “DOES THAT BATHTUB LOOK CLEAN TO YOU SHITFORBRAINS? I SHOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE NECK! HERE’S HOW YOU CLEAN A BATHTUB..”

    (begins stripping)

  275. 275.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 22, 2013 at 12:30 am

    @Just Some Fuckhead: ::shudder::

  276. 276.

    Corner Stone

    March 22, 2013 at 12:42 am

    @Just Some Fuckhead: “No. NO! I do NOT need you to help me sync my iPhoto with my iPhone! That is why I have so many friends. I can ask them and they will help me.”
    “Yes, I know you’re 9 and can do this in 3 seconds but that is not the point. It’s not the point! The point is that I have many friends and they…oh FUCK THIS! Don’t act all high and mighty like your “Uncle” Wiley “Cash” is gonna show up and save you before the cops this time! This time it’s FUCKING ON you little punk!!”

  277. 277.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    March 22, 2013 at 12:54 am

    @Corner Stone: “I found you along side the road in the woods, I can take you back there! Now finish cleaning out all 14 litter boxes afore the party starts. And fix yer turble towel, I swear if you make the Stillers lose one more time, Ray Lewis is gonna murder you in your sleep!”

  278. 278.

    am

    March 22, 2013 at 1:05 am

    congrats on a good decision!

  279. 279.

    scav

    March 22, 2013 at 1:15 am

    @Corner Stone: I think there’d be a larger Market for a LARGE FREAKING EXPLODING FIREBALL FALLING ON BARNEY’S HEAD, over and above the spell-struck children. Work in some Ninja Legos and a Fire Spell or two and you’ve cornered the Child and Grown-up Happy Meal demographics.

  280. 280.

    Ash Can

    March 22, 2013 at 1:20 am

    Sounds like an awesome plan, John. You’re a mensch. I hope everything ends up surpassing even your best hopes and dreams.

  281. 281.

    Pink Snapdragon

    March 22, 2013 at 1:22 am

    It’s a little late in this thread for anyone to see it, but I would like to let you know that at least one regular reader/occasional commenter on this blog lived in a foster home herself. I’m not sure why so many of you think that foster children are juvenile delinquents/drug addicts/arsonists/emotionally disturbed, etc. My stepmother was in the habit of beating the living shit out of me on a regular basis, starving me, etc., etc. I was 14 when I was placed in foster care. The two years I spent with my foster parents were the two best years of my childhood. My foster parents, and not my own parents, were who my own children grew up knowing as grandparents.

  282. 282.

    JeremyH

    March 22, 2013 at 1:29 am

    Two words, John: Paleo. Crossfit.

    If you eat a good clean paleo diet, free of processed foods, sugar, grains (esp. wheat) and other crap, and get to your local Crossfit gym (I’m sure there’s one somewhere not too far from you) two or three times a week, then in a year you’ll be a transformed man.

    It’s a gimmick-free, proven formula. Hard fucking work, but the results will come quick. One of the great things about Crossfit is you’ll have a ton of moral and actual support from the others at the gym.

  283. 283.

    srv

    March 22, 2013 at 1:31 am

    Anyhow John, it’s never too late.

    Just check TNC’s post tonight – he nearly died yesterday

    http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/03/departures/274265/

  284. 284.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ

    March 22, 2013 at 2:08 am

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Omfg, you guys are making me laugh so hard it hurts….please don’t stop.

  285. 285.

    Comrade Mary

    March 22, 2013 at 2:30 am

    Coming in late (because I was out carousing for Canadian Music Week): whoa! As is “Whoa = wow”, not “Whoa = stop”.

    Congratulations on the decisions, John! I’m sure you’ll figure out exactly what you have to do to make things happen. If you ever open a thread asking for advice, I’ll chime in then.

    (And congratulations eemom — w00t!)

  286. 286.

    dance around in your bones

    March 22, 2013 at 2:38 am

    @Ms. D. Ranged in AZ:

    I know, my family thinks I am crazy. “Why is Gramma laughing all alone in her room?”

    Well, it’s Balloon Juice, kids. Kinda like nitrous oxide at times.

  287. 287.

    Quaker in a Basement

    March 22, 2013 at 3:08 am

    @karen marie: Yeah, that’s going to make it hard to get the minimum daily requirement of doughnuts.

  288. 288.

    taylormattd

    March 22, 2013 at 5:34 am

    Very late to a thread you will not read, but John, this is a wonderful move. I’m telling you, you will not regret it. Kudos to you and your lucky future kid.

    Make sure you have an Xbox 720 in place though, ok?

  289. 289.

    zattarra

    March 22, 2013 at 5:39 am

    I’m a little late on this thread and have doubts you’ll read this John but I’d like to speak up for Foster kids. I am currently a foster parent. We have our second foster child in the house right now. 7 year old boy. Previously we had a 6 year old girl. We are only working in the 5-10 year old age range for our fostering.

    Lost the horror story people. Yes, this is hard. Yes, these kids come from places that hopefully none of you have ever experienced. But dear Lord this has to be the best and most personally rewarding thing I have ever done with my life.

    Like Cole I’m older, fatter and pretty much an anti-social hermit with new people and things. Only difference is I have a wife. I’m 39 and still overweight. Never had kids of our own. My wife has some serious nuerological problems so we’re not able to have our own or handle the truly little ones. So we do this. And we’ll keep doing this until we can’t physically handle it anymore.

    John, they are going to try to scare you. They are going to tell you all the horror stories. They are going to grill you in the application process. They are going to try their best to weed you out if you are not really committed to doing this. And then they are going to pass you and if it is a good agency (it is very important to find a good agency) they are going to work with you and support you and find you kids.

    And yes, there are nightmare kids out there. Kids that are going to come into your home and not work out. Kids whose experiences in life at 7 years old are worse than anything you have ever done. But it is amazing how inherently sweet and good little kids are. And if you are strong enough to handle it you will be saving a life.

    Not sure you’ll see this I’m so far down in the thread but you get my e-mail for posting this – if you have questions e-mail me direct.

    Oh yeah, and if you truly think you can lose the weight you need to lose in only a year than start your program and start your application process at the same time. Most approvals take 6-8 months. Longer if you have issues and a first placement could take another 6 months. So run a parallel plan. We were over a year to get licensed and then 5 months for our first placement and then 2.5 month without after she left us before we got our next placement. Trust me, you can run this parallel and it will help sped things up for you.

  290. 290.

    OmerosPeanut

    March 22, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Not going to read 293 comments to check if this is a repost, so ~

    John, have you seen the Body Weight Simulator? It can help for setting reasonable expectations on rate of loss and why that rate won’t be constant unless you progressively starve yourself.

  291. 291.

    Rainy Day

    March 22, 2013 at 7:37 am

    I recommend getting a boy who is close to 6 years old. You’ll have a chance to help him with anger/trust/affection issues he’ll likely have as well as help him succeed in school. I also recommend watching every episode of the American version of “Shameless.” While it only scratches the surface, it you will give you an idea of the level of manipulation kids ‘in the system’ quickly acquire.

    And you will need to remember that no matter how much love and kindness you show you foster child, he still may want to burn down your house or hurt you or your pets. There is no guarantee your love and kindness will be reciprocated. But you can improve your chances if you foster a younger child.

    You must research the history of your potential child to make sure he has not exhibited cruelty toward animals. You have to fully comprehend that if you ground your child, he could take out his anger on your pets.

    Use this year to arm yourself with as much information as possible about foster children. The more prepared you are, the more rewarding the experience. Good luck!!!

  292. 292.

    Andrew

    March 22, 2013 at 8:01 am

    Cole, this is an amazing post. I read your blog constantly and comment rarely, but this really compels a big congratulation. You’re going to be an awesome foster parent just because you’re approaching this with so much care and love and thought. Big, big props.

  293. 293.

    mak

    March 22, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Know I’m late to the party here, but has it occurred to you Cole that the best way to lose weight is to foster the kid first? You’ll be far more likely to feed him/her healthy stuff than you would yourself, and with all the extra running around and worry, you’ll be crashing earlier and drinking less anyway. Think about it.

  294. 294.

    Gus

    March 22, 2013 at 9:35 am

    @Omnes Omnibus: My 21 month old dialed 911 the other night. It was completely accidental. What are the odds?

  295. 295.

    metricpenny

    March 22, 2013 at 9:53 am

    John, all the best on your journey to parenthood. I think you’re going to be wonderful father. And I’m anxiously awaiting the stories …

  296. 296.

    AnnaN

    March 22, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Fabulous news! I was impressed with how you handle the drunken college students who occasionally float through your neighborhood. I think you have the right attitude/personality to be successful and change someone’s life.

  297. 297.

    Kirk

    March 22, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Good luck, John.

    A sticking point to research in advance will be the fact you’re single. A lot of agencies dislike that, so be prepared in advance for the effort and questions.

    Weight loss, well, as I can see in this list the fact is there are hundreds of people with their own versions of what works. The only common things I’ve found are that you need to find something that makes you stick to it and to avoid anything that promises fast or easy. It’s work: nothing more, nothing less, even when it’s sometimes “fun”.

    For me, I never found anything I consistently liked while doing. On the other hand I’ve always enjoyed the consequences – the eased breathing, the ability to go for walks or other things at the drop of a hat without worrying about finishing, all that sort of thing. So good for you, and I look forward to seeing your posts at the times when things are rough. Oh, and your successes too, but the rough ones will undoubtedly have me laughing.

    Good luck, John.

  298. 298.

    tommyspoon

    March 22, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Break a leg, John!

    Speaking as another mid-40s dude who made the decision to get my physical self together may I recommend the book, “It Starts With Food”. I recently completed one of their Whole30 plans and I lost almost 18#. It helps that I’m also one of those CrossFit weirdos you may have heard of…

    Best of luck!

  299. 299.

    LanceThruster

    March 22, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    A good and funny read (amazing for a diet book) is available in its entirety online –

    The Hacker’s Diet

  300. 300.

    Kay

    March 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    The Washington Post (H/T TPM) is reporting:

    A top Dominican law enforcement official said Friday that a local lawyer has reported being paid by someone claiming to work for the conservative Web site the Daily Caller to find prostitutes who would lie and say they had sex for money with Sen. Robert Menendez (D-N.J.).

    The Daily caller has issued the classic non-denial-denial:

    In its statement, the Daily Caller said: “At no point did any money change hands between The Daily Caller and any sources or individuals connected with this investigation, [… we asked a friend to pay the guy?] nor did anyone named Carlos travel to the Dominican Republic on behalf of The Daily Caller [… we sent “Charlie”]. As recently as two weeks ago, Figueroa was on record with another news outlet as saying the women he represented were telling the truth about their initial allegations against Senator Mendendez.”

  301. 301.

    satby

    March 22, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    @Pink Snapdragon: What you said. And as a foster mother to several “throw away” teens (and teens thrown out if the house) I can say it was challenging but also wonderful; and my foster sons have gifted me with 5 beautiful grandbabies.

  302. 302.

    John Weiss

    March 22, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Hi John,

    My darling and I waited until our early forties to have a kid. It was the best thing we ever did.

    Good luck,

    JW

  303. 303.

    May in Ohio

    March 22, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    I think this is all great! Can’t wait to read all about the weight loss and the foster parenting.

  304. 304.

    Older

    March 22, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    @Corner Stone: I agree with Cornerstone that in reality kids are not about household help. It’s also a really bad joke in view of things that have happened in real life.

    We almost participated in an emergency re-adoption of several small children who were apparently chosen by the adoptive mother as house slaves. She had a big house and employed a housekeeper, whom she fired as soon as the kids arrived.

    She expected them to do the work — three children, under ten, from a refugee camp in a war-torn country, were supposed to step in and do all her cooking and cleaning. The agency did all they could to reconcile this woman to reality, but in the end, they rescued the children from yet another horrible situation.

    We said we were willing to welcome them, but they went instead to a home closer to their siblings who had been placed separately.

    It is about the kids, not the prospective parents, and I’m sure John knows this.

  305. 305.

    lojasmo

    March 22, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    @Corner Stone:

    It’s helpful if the parent is not a total asshole. My kid is a good citizen.

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