Buzz Bissinger: awesome April Fool’s joker or typical Romney supporter, you decide.
I own eighty-one leather jackets, seventy-five pairs of boots, forty-one pairs of leather pants, thirty-two pairs of haute couture jeans, ten evening jackets, and 115 pairs of leather gloves. Those who conclude from this that I have a leather fetish, an extreme leather fetish, get a grand prize of zero. And those who are familiar with my choices will sign affidavits attesting to the fact that I wear leather every day. The self-expression feels glorious, an indispensable part of me. As a stranger said after admiring my look in a Gucci burgundy jacquard velvet jacket and a Burberry black patent leather trench, “You don’t give a fuck.”
I don’t. I finally don’t.
Some of the clothing is men’s. Some is women’s. I make no distinction.
[….]The most expensive leather jacket I own, a Gucci ostrich skin, cost $13,900.
[….]I never fit the traditional definition of a sexy male straight or gay—tall, ripped, six- packs within six-packs. I wanted the power that sex provides, all eyes wanting to fuck you and you knowing it, and both men’s and women’s clothing became my venue.
Alex S.
“Did I ever tell ya that this here jacket represents a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom?”
aimai
I read that and really honestly couldn’t tell if it was parody or not. If its real that guy is about 81 leather jackets short of a full deck, if you ask me.
Biff Longbotham
I want to know what consignment store he uses.
Corner Stone
“I do. I really, really do.”
PeakVT
Speaking of mocking, the Scots have a go at the Toupee-in-Chief. The linked Atlantic article is a pretty good take-down as well.
Bobby Thomson
@Alex S.: Unfair winning the thread so early.
Forty-one pairs of jeans but no leather fetish? Whatever you say, buddy.
And is it just me, or is “I never fit the traditional definition of a sexy male straight or gay—tall, ripped, six- packs within six-packs. I wanted the power that sex provides, all eyes wanting to fuck you and you knowing it, and both men’s and women’s clothing became my venue.” reminiscent of this.
Comrade Mary
I saw this earlier. I saw the pictures. I can’t unsee the pictures. Dear Lord, I can’t unsee them.
(And this is not meant as mockery of a typical-looking guy in his late 50s. Typical-looking guys in their late 50s can be quite, quite lovely. It’s the clothes and the poses and the naked narcissism and neediness. Ewww.)
Villago Delenda Est
Which, by amazing coincidence, is Buzz’s IQ.
Comrade Mary
@Biff Longbotham: He needs to go a thrift shop and get back some dignity.
Corner Stone
All that leather reminds me of the time Just Some Fuckhead swung by my place to pick me up for a little mountaintop revival. Coked out of his mind, empty Courvoisier bottles rolling from the back floorboard to the front in his ’66 Olds convertible. The 427 roaring as he yelled profanities at me at the top of his lungs.
“MOTHERFUCKING CAPS LOCK JESUS BITCH! LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!!”
Gott damn those were the days.
kerFuFFler
This kind of reminds me of a truly pathetic, wannabe fashion blogger. Her blog is http://fashionsnag.typepad.com/blog/ (which I think of as fashion’s nag). She pronounces it fashion snegg.
Basically she is a very rich girl who buys a pair or two of $700 dollar booties or shoes everyday along with a new leather shirt or pair of pants and then has her boyfriend take about 20 pictures of the ensemble, all of which she posts online. She has been doing this for years—-much longer than I assumed she would keep at it. I pretty much figured she would catch on that she does not have a future career in modeling.
I don’t mind people buying a nicely crafted outfit and enjoying it, but this crazy bitch buys more than she can get any good use out of.
raven
@Corner Stone: The 3/4 length cabretta was the jacket of choice for the West Side of Chicago greasers back in the day. They worse grey or blue gas station attendant pants called “cozy pants” rolled up with thin nylon socks and pointed shoes.
Unsympathetic
“all eyes wanting to fuck you and you knowing it”
Then, I looked at the pictures.
One of these is not like the other.
jibeaux
@Comrade Mary: $50 for a t-shirt that’s just ignorant bitch sheeeyit, I call that getting swindled and pimped, I call that getting tricked by bizness
jibeaux
@Comrade Mary: I prescribe three dozen Jon Hamms in tight pants. God bless that man.
JustRuss
$13,900 for an ostrich skin jacket? Clearly, this guy needs a tax cut.
jl
It’s OK. His sweat don’t stink.
This thing goes on for six pages? I don’t have time to read all that, and don’t feel like even if i did. But on page one I see:
” Before I left, I promised my wife I would be restrained. She is very concerned, because she knows what can happen. ”
And then the post has this excerpt:
” I never fit the traditional definition of a sexy male straight or gay—tall, ripped, six- packs within six-packs. I wanted the power that sex provides, all eyes wanting to fuck you and you knowing it, and both men’s and women’s clothing became my venue. ”
Somehow, I smell “miss-fire” in the air.
I am wondering what kind of mutant has six-packs within six-packs, though. An out of shape slob who stuffs himself into leather goods might have something along those lines, though. I have no idea whether that would be this Buzz guy, but just pointing that out.
Friend of Hermes
Just read he’s in rehab for his habit. This sounds typical to me, using clothes to cover up something else. He thinks something’s missing. He’s wrong. It’s been there all along.
We’ll be hearing soon that he’s gay. Now that it’s OK by the supreme court. What a chickenshit way to come out.
tBone
All you haters need to simmer down. I for one welcome our dazzlingly stylish future, where even paunchy middle-aged guys feel free to dress like blind rodeo clowns getting fashion advice from Lady Gaga.
Lev
It’s a good thing that Buzz Bissinger had a career, because otherwise we wouldn’t know that people in Texas are religious, love football, and are just a wee bit crazy in their beliefs of the world. Or that Mitt Romney should be president because he had one good debate.
Tonybrown74
I’m sorry, this supposed to be a parody of what, exactly? The most interesting man in the world?
Will he be telling us next that he doesn’t drink beer, but when he does … ?
Mnemosyne
@jibeaux:
I admit, I am becoming very, very fond of Macklemore. Somebody else linked to his song “Same Love,” which will have you in tears by about the 60 second mark, if not sooner.
(And just because people may worry about this cliche showing up — it’s okay, the couple gets the same ending the rest of us expect to get.)
SatanicPanic
@tBone: If this guy had more of a sense of humor about it and less of- whatever it is that you’d call it (insanity? desperation?) – I’d be more on board with his gonzo fashion style.
A Ghost To Most
It takes a lot of cowhide to hold in that much bullshit.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@Alex S.:
Sailor, baby, you’ve got me hotter than Georgia asphalt.
jl
@jibeaux:
” $50 for a t-shirt that’s just ignorant bitch sheeeyit,”
But it was a leather t-shirt, right? Am I missing something?
priscianus jr
@aimai: I read that and really honestly couldn’t tell if it was parody or not. If its real that guy is about 81 leather jackets short of a full deck, if you ask me.
I couldn’t tell either, until I read this.
jeffreyw
Thread bad needz kitteh with big feets.
aimai
@priscianus jr: Yeah, I googled around too. I guess its real. No wonder that guy had to put a dominatrix on retainer. He’s seriously creepy looking and apparently has to pay people to pay attention to him–even pay people to beat him up. You’d think he’d be used to getting beat up for free.
Corner Stone
God dammit, now we’re flying stealth bombers over N Korea?
WTF?
Why doesn’t anyone in leadership understand the concept that we don’t have to rise to the bait of every pisspot dictator nutjob around the globe?
Raven
@Corner Stone: South Korea dumbass.
Raven
U.S. says it sent B-2 stealth bombers over South Korea
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@Comrade Mary: I did not heed your warning. My own fault. Ewwww.
jibeaux
@Mnemosyne: There were probably others, but I linked to it BEFORE IT WAS EVEN COOL MAN okay it had been shown on Ellen at that point so I should probably stop posing.
The Heist is really a great album, though, I enjoy the whole thing.
scav
We are so far from Rufus Sewell as Petruchio, which is well within the zone. Didn’t even attain the Izzard cutoff, which benefits from the brains and funny boost. Ow ow ow.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@Raven:
It’s pronounced Du-mas.
? Martin
So, given that cleek’s rule has been implied, my super-Catholic aunt is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because the pope washed women’s feet. She was concerned after he shunned the papal residence, but apparently this is a bridge too far.
So I will momentarily sign on to the complement of cleek’s rule, and proclaim that I am now officially pleased with this pope because somewhere Scalia must be in a full-on homicidal rage.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@jeffreyw: It’s a start, but I need more after foolishly clicking through to the photos. A Katiepuppeh picture would do nicely. Or Homer and Bitsy, or a hummingbird. Got any frogs? More critter pic, I beg of you. My eyes and brain need them.
Morzer
Is it me, or does the bag over the guy’s head look seriously embarrassed?
Corner Stone
@Raven: MSNBC had a blurb that either printed N Korea or I just simply fucked up and misread.
Nope, I just rewound my DVR and at 1:49pm CT they have the chyron saying “U.S. Flies Stealth Bombers Over North Korea”.
But in any event that appears wrong so thanks for the updated correction.
Not really thrilled about running bombing exercises in S Korea but that’s a big step better than over N Korea sovereign space.
wenchacha
@Bobby Thomson: One of my all-time faves from The Onion.
karensky
Who cares, Buzzy?
? Martin
@Raven: Yeah, this is… troubling. I just don’t trust North Korea to back down. I’m not sure what they have to lose here.
MomSense
@Comrade Mary:
My eyeballs are on fire!
WTF?!
Mark S.
As much as I hate Buzz Bizzinger, I’m pretty sure this is an April Fool’s joke.
If it isn’t, God help us all.
jl
@? Martin:
Swear by St. Peter’s wife to your aunt that what the new pope is doing is all OK.
jl
@jl:
Sorry, I read in TPM that washing a woman’s feet is a violation of Holy Thursday liturgy. So, I guess it’s a big deal, at least for a certain kind of Christian.
I wonder if the new pope will have some explanation.
maybe he will say “Was humankind made for Holy Thursday, or Holy Thursday made for humankind?”, and then all hell will break loose.
Mnemosyne
@? Martin:
Here’s a link. It sounds like it’s a pretty big deal because some dioceses have banned including women in the ritual and the Pope just went right out and did it.
Oh, and he included non-Catholics, too, which your aunt probably isn’t too thrilled about.
Amir Khalid
Guy’s an addict. The best thing I can say about him is that at least he knows it. He’s also got way, way more money than taste. He looks absolutely ridiculous. Good lord, how do people keep from laughing at him?
Corner Stone
@Mark S.: The man has 73 pairs of pants including just leather and jeans.
That’s all. Not much else to say once you stop and think about that for just a second.
dewzke
Wow….parody or not that is fucked up!
bcinaz
Cross-dressing Superpowers? Hmmmm…nothing is so endearing as a man or woman who seeks power through sex.
Ben Franklin
@Corner Stone:
Not much else to say once you stop and think about that for just a second.
Ballgag?
? Martin
@Mnemosyne: Well, the Holy Thursday mass commemorates the last supper, so the 12 people symbolize the apostles, and that’s why including women is such a big deal. And two were muslims. And some weren’t Italian. And it wasn’t a big showy mass.
Someone is off script and the audience is very unhappy, losing sight of whether the old script made any fucking sense at all toward the message that was supposed to be delivered.
Roger Moore
@? Martin:
The B-2s are to remind them they could lose everything.
ricky
When Buzz has his mo-jo working he sure has a way with words:
If that feller talked like that when he was in the Odessa Permian locker room researching his Texas football book he sure wouldn’t have made it back to his Midland motel to write about it.
Jay in Oregon
@? Martin:
Well, if you are looking for an organization that is obsessed with tradition and slow to change, you don’t have to look much farther than the Catholic Church.
Roger Moore
@jl:
He should say, “Matthew 25, bitches!”
raven
@? Martin: They are going to fuck around and find out. I don’t think we’ll be half-stepping with fuckers that we KNOW have the shit.
catclub
@Roger Moore: We live in hope.
Corner Stone
Looks like Cyprus chose to not melt down when the banks reopened.
I wonder how far we can trust those reports.
brendancalling
Buzz lives here in Philadelphia, and while I don’t know WTF the guy was thinking when he endorsed Romney, I’ve generally been a fan of his writing (including the most recent piece everyone’s going on about. Here’s a different aspect of the guy. And another.
It’s really easy to turn someone into a cartoon, and it’s not like his article on sex and shopping addiction helped. It’s kind of tragic.
sm*t cl*de
Thread bad needz kitteh with big feets.
I hope that kitteh is female so she can be called Polly Dactyl.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@Corner Stone:
Why has my conspiracy theory-minded brother kept telling me that today would be a bad day because of the Cyprus bank crisis? The world didn’t melt down when Iceland’s bank crisis came crashing down, why would it come crashing down for another small island nation’s bank crisis?
Corner Stone
@J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford: Probably because he’s insane.
Villago Delenda Est
@dewzke:
Well, Poe’s Law RULZ the intertubez, you knows.
PaminBB
That’s one hell of a mid-life crisis.
Mnemosyne
@? Martin:
Maybe you can really mess with your aunt’s head and remind her that the Last Supper was actually a seder.
I’m pretty sure that in the New Testament, Jesus is shown having lots of arguments with the Pharisees about following stupid, outdated rules, but I’m too lazy to Google around and find them.
Tomolitics
There are not enough social media acronyms to thoroughly express my reaction to this article.
Ivan X
His book about how Tony La Russa is a Real Baseball Man and sabermetrics is for teh gheys was unbelievably dull. I gave it up after reading a quarter of it, and have decided the guy sucks ever since.
Roger Moore
@Tomolitics:
I think there’s one that subsumes all the ones you really want to use: TMI. TMI, Buzz, TMI.
Corner Stone
Lord knows I love a confident man, but what mirror does he use in the morning where he can then go type something like this for publication?
Bob
You know what Hitler wore?
Corner Stone
@Bob: Prada?
khead
I’ve bought
Interrobang
Is it just me, or does every single one of those pictures (my poor abused eyeballs) scream “LOOK AT MY JUNK!”
In high school I had a science teacher who used to wear a perma-smerk like that and make every excuse to stand around with his one foot up on things. I found out later that he had an enormous bad rap for sexually harrassing female students he found attractive (which didn’t include me, thank goodness)…although apparently the school board couldn’t be bothered to take that seriously.
Dear Buzz — you look like a perv. Might want to rethink that, you know.
khead
Well, that attempt at an edit was pretty annoying.
I’ve been working at home for a few years. During that time I’ve bought maybe 3 pair of jeans and some exercise clothes. Socks and drawers too. But I’m still trying to give away stuff that I just have zero use for nowadays.
I’m pretty sure I would feel the same way about clothes if I were to hit the Powerball tonight. This story is not in my universe.
Anoniminous
Generally speaking, high fashion for men make the person wearing the articles of clothing look like a dork. If you’re a good looking 20-something you MIGHT get away with it
But most times, href=”http://thestyleaficionado.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/meggings2.jpg”>no.
ETA for link screw-ups.
russell
who the hell is buzz bissinger, and why is he on my computer?
this is, like, death by overshare.
Anoniminous
@Anoniminous:
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Try this for the last one.
aimai
@? Martin:
I read the article Mnemosyne linked to and I was, surprisingly and against my will, sincerely moved. I think its sad and predictable that the Church has allowed the practice to be limited to men, and also in the case of the Pope limited to Priests–its like they totally fail to understand the open ended nature of all of Christ’s parables. Of course in this they are just like the original disciples. Christ was always telling them stuff in parables and they were always puzzled by it and taking it too literally. I can’t remember any examples but I actually Lol’d reading the New Testament once because they are such idiots. Christ would say something like “whatever you do to th eleast of these” and they’d say “you mean like, short people? or people who don’t have pocket change?” and he’d have to expand on it “no, you idiots, like everyone you ordinarily disregard. Like that guy, and that guy, and that other guy–but I’m not limiting myself to people I’m listing, ok?”
Do they really think that Christ’s washing the feet of his disciples meant that in the future leaders should wash the feet just of their employees or delegates? Or that it would be wrong to do more than 12? Are they similarly fixated on things like the height of the disiples, or their hair or eye color? Its always about genitalia with these guys, something Jesus was totally not interested in as a social distinction.
jl
@aimai: An example is Matthew 25 versus 40 through 45. A normal person reading this would interpret ‘least of these brothers and sisters of mine’ the same way ‘my neighbor’ is defined in the Parable of the Good Samaritan: anybody in need.
Conservative evangelicals claim that, properly translated, ‘brothers and sisters of mine’ means those who are Jesus disciples, which today would obviously(?) mean whoever is spouting preferred conservative evangelical dogma. So that part of Matthew 25 really means you give money to the church and help out dogmatic believers.
So, yeah, you can interpret parables to mean whatever you want, if you leave aside plausibility.
Jay in Oregon
@Corner Stone:
Confidence can make a man twice as appealing.
In Buzz’s case, that means he goes from a 1 in 5000 chance of getting laid to a 1 in 2500 chance…
Mnemosyne
@Interrobang:
Upon reading the article — particularly the “nuh-uh, I don’t have a leather fetish, no way!” parts — I’m pretty sure that “perv” is the look he’s going for.
lumpkin
…still puking…
Comrade Mary
Well, now I actually do feel a little sorry for him (and very sorry for his family):
Tehanu
I’m hardly a fashionista but I do like pretty clothes, and it’s really only since Beau Brummell (AD 1800, approximately) that men gave up wearing peacocky clothes with wild colors and lace and high heels and so forth. Bissinger may have all kinds of psychological problems — I wouldn’t know — but I am not going down the road to “people are starving all over, how dare anyone spend money on anything but helping the poor” (or fighting climate change or whatever good cause the speaker advocates). I don’t think that some people shopping to excess equals The Doom of All Humankind and The Most Evilest Thing Since Hitler, and as I’ve said before, I don’t want to live in a world where we’re not allowed to do silly things or eat chocolate or drink whiskey because somebody’s decided it’s not good for us.
White Trash Liberal
I love the article. Brave, audacious writing.
I found it ironic that half of these comments are about the Pope washing a woman’s feet and the other half mocking Buzz. The oh-so-knowing interpretation of Christ’s message… You all might want to live it.
This guy managed to find a lot of success and it appears the same drives that pushed him to succeed also pushed him to excess.
Alcoholics and drug addicts require that moment of clarity to recognize their powerlessness in he face of their addiction. Buzz’ article is remarkable and electric in its candor, and the bile being thrown his way is more similar than orthodox Catholics castigating the Pope than many of you would like to admit.
Marc
@White Trash Liberal:
He wrote a really, really obnoxious Romney endorsement last fall before the election. This feeds some of the mockery.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/10/08/buzz-bissinger-why-i-m-voting-for-mitt-romney.html
“By instinct I still cling to my Democrat roots. But I admit that as I get older, on the cusp of 58, I am moving more to the center or even tweaking right, or at least not tied to any ideology. Those making more than $250,000 should pay more taxes, and that does include me. But I also am tired of Obama’s constant demonization, of those he spits out as “millionaires and billionaires,” as pariahs. Romney’s comments at a fundraiser were stupid, but 47 percent of Americans do not pay federal income taxes. Yes, a majority are poor and seniors. But millions do not pay such taxes with incomes of more than $50,000, and whether it’s as little as $10, every American should contribute both as a patriotic obligation and skin in the game. This is our country, not our country club.”
And he them went and dropped a half million plus on clothes, while he was advocating raising taxes on the poor.
The man lacks the self-awareness that the Good Lord gave a hamster.
Bobby Thomson
@White Trash Liberal: Fuck off, freeper. Go peddle your false flag nonsense somewhere else.
Paul in KY
@Comrade Mary: He’d fit into those a bit better if he dropped 30 pounds. Jeezus!
Paul in KY
@? Martin: He’s beginning to grow on me a little.
Talks a good game.
Paul in KY
@brendancalling: He logically endorsed Romney as he (Bissenger) is a very rich man.
Very rich people supporting Republicans is entirely logical. It is the poor idiots supporting them that makes you go WTF.
Paul in KY
@Interrobang: I think he would really fit in down at the Fey Fireman.
Might be able to give out fashion tips.