So… I thought the April Fools post I put up last night would be blatantly obvious, considering I started with a picture of my cat bound and gagged on an operating table, used the same title as Sullivan, cut and pasted his declaration of independence and added snarky rejoinders, claimed I wanted to raise 6 million dollars, and then told you to write “I’m stupid as hell” in the comments section of your paypal donation, but it appears the joke is on me and we raised several hundred dollars in, umm, “subscriptions.”
We have three options for you generous but silly people.
1.) Email me and I can paypal it back to you.
2.) I can just save it and let Mistermix use the money to buy professional versions of any add-ons to the new layout or use it as a slush fund for future coveritlive expenses.
3.) The next time Evelyn at MARC sends up the SOS flag for a needy animals, we can send a big chunk of change all at once.
You people. Jeebus. Even an attempted joke leads to more work.
*** Update ***
And the worst thing is that so many of you wrote glowing notes about the site on your donation comments and I feel like a total fucking dick.
eastriver
You don’t call the site Brain Juice.
Carnacki
4) Whoooo! With that kind of money we could be limousine ridin’, high-flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ dealin’ sons of a gun. Whooooo!
Baud
4) Hookers and blow.
Valdivia
gotta love this community. :)
Kesovich
I like the third option more than the second one.
poco
This is absolutely hilarious. You should be proud, John Cole, you have a very devoted blog-following, even if some of them are unable to comprehend what they read.
Alison
LOL these are the folks those “I got a bridge to sell you jokes” are for.
I mean, it’s great that people are so willing to help, but sheesh folks.
schrodinger's cat
The snarling jackals not so snarling after all.
As a penance how about some Tunch Cam and Tunch photos.
Michael G
I’m tempted to give money now just knowing how much it will annoy Cole.
Baud
@Alison:
Glenn Beck’s success suddenly seems less puzzling.
David Koch
When will you mail my totebag?
scav
There could have been a few high meta donations lurking in there — wouldn’t put anything beyond this lot.
Carnacki
@Baud: Already in the budget. This is unexpected money. ;)
Keith G
Actually this episode explains a lot.
Baud
Wouldn’t it be awesome if Cole actually went to a paid model and was more successful than Sullivan?
22over7
Save it. You can use it for emergency animal rescue donations, impromptu BJ get-togethers, or bail if necessary.
dedc79
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by Balloon Juice April Fools Day madness…
Cathie from Canada
I thought it was a costume ball.
dance around in your bones
Slush fund/pet rescue, that’s my vote. Didja get anywhere near the $6 million dollars? hahahahha!
Cole, people love you, even doing the minimal human decent thing.
AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME!
shortstop
@Baud: Only if he promised never to blog about it. I mean, ever.
I’m now accepting tips for my comments, by the way. Wait, what?
shortstop
@Baud: Only if he promised never to blog about it. I mean, ever.
I’m now accepting tips for my comments, by the way. Wait, what?
Jon Gallagher
Once I found out it might help rescue animals *and* it would p*** off Cole, hell how could I not contribute?
John Cole
I seriously thought this was the biggest giveaway:
Sigh.
jl
AW shit. I just set up a junk donation charity for the new Tunch and Lily media. But, hell, Cole says he has a big yard, so won’t be a problem I guess.
TaMara (BHF)
You can send it to me…the company I work for has just gone under like the titanic. Quite the April Fool’s joke. Not.
Oh well, haven’t collected unemployment for a couple of decades, this should be fun. :-)
Gin & Tonic
But how many people actually wrote “I’m stupid as Hell” on the donation?
gbear
@Baud:
5) Pizza and delivery tips.
geg6
Ha! Had I read it, I’d probably have gotten the joke but sent $$ anyway since there has been the whole new upgrade and the fact that BJ has given so much to me over the years, especially my best gift of all, Koda.
gogol's wife
This is funny and very sweet.
Baud
@Carnacki:
So then male hookers and crack!
Marci Kiser
But now you can buy all sorts of useful things like… love! Or double-ply windows!
TerryC
@Baud: I paid Sully, and I would pay Cole.
shortstop
@Gin & Tonic: Be very sure you want to hear the answer before you ask the question. Me, I’d rather not know. Wait, I do want to find out. No, no, I don’t. Wait, yes, I do.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Keith G:
Indeed.
kc
@John Cole:
Shoot, I thought the “gutless sycophants” was the only part of the post that wasn’t a joke.
El Cid
Put all yer free money in G.OLD! Got to! Also shotgun shells, dried food, and purified water, so that we can all survive the UN-Hilary Apockalyps!
lojasmo
$19.99 sent now for a reserve emergency rescue fund.
brettvk
@TaMara (BHF): So sorry to hear this for you. Write about it if that helps.
A Ghost To Most
4. Cat pornos for Tunch and Zsa Zsa.
kdaug
Next time you’re in Austin, or I make it up to WV, we’ll come up with a use for the money.
jl
@kc:
Good point.
” who just need pictures of my morbidly obese cat ”
And Tunch IS fat. After I read that part I figured it was real too.
JPL
Can you set up an account with Amazon, so next year I can send money that way? Since I’m getting older, I figure next year, I’ll be one to fall for the joke. I hate PayPal.
Just Some Fuckhead
I still have six Balloon Juice subscriptions to give away. We should have a contest for the idiots that thought it was real, but couldn’t afford it. :)
mai naem
@Baud: Now, that would be hilarious. I can just see Lil Andrew stomping his two little feet on the ground and screaming “It shudda beeen meeee!”
@John Cole: I am really surprised people didn’t figure this out by the fifth sentence, forget about reading the whole thing through.
Fucking hilarious.
MazeDancer
As a Proud Founding Subscriber, voting for options 2 and 3. And/or a “BJ Pet Rescue Travel Fund”. (Which would, of course, mean even more work for Mr. Cole.)
Recent happy long-distance travel adoptions have gotten people more aware that location is no barrier to falling in love with a pet in need. So less comments of the “Oh, I would take her in a heartbeat but I’m so far away” happen now. But an established, known, mentioned in the bleg, BJ Travel Fund could help erase that “too far away” idea forever.
Matt McIrvin
If it’s any consolation, I got the joke.
chopper
welcome to the world of the grift, cole. now
imagine how much sarah palin is able to squeeze out of ‘people on the Internet’.
Redshirt
Buy some blow for a hooker.
Just Some Fuckhead
April Fools!
chopper
@dance around in your bones:
if by ‘slush fund’ you mean ‘slurpee money’ I agree.
TaMara (BHF)
@John Cole: I knew you were going to get donations the moment I read it. Either because 1)they didn’t bother to read all the way through, 2)had no idea it was April 1, or 3)just to piss you off.
Mission accomplished I’d say.
chopper
maybe some of us were looking for a new money laundering scheme since Cyprus is no longer an option. don’t piss us off, cole.
TaMara (BHF)
@brettvk: Thank you. It was not unexpected, just those last few days are hard. Hardest because I had to lay everyone off (the owner wasn’t really up for the task) and they were all pretty much in denial until I abandoned ship.
Sigh, if I just had a DAG cd to chase the blues away.
Just Some Fuckhead
In my experience, it isn’t much of an April Fool’s prank if you don’t lose your job or have to issue some sorta public apology. The bar is so high these days.
Baud
This post reminds me of the end to The Jerk when Steve Martin has to return all the money he collected from the Opti-Grab.
Josie
Oh, for heaven’s sake, John, only you could be upset that people sent you money and wrote glowing comments about your blog. Just for that, I think I’ll send you the $20.00
so you have to be even more pissed. Actually, I think a slush fund for rescue animals or blog technology needs is a great idea.
raven
“If you can’t tell who the sucker in the room is, it’s you.”
wvng
Cole’s post and the comments are the reason I love this site. Endless entertainment and good spirited abuse.
And the possibility of totebags. John, do they have pictures of Tunch?
El Cid
@Just Some Fuckhead: Most people can accomplish that with an appearance in blackface.
Jay in Oregon
I said this on Twitter earlier today, after seeing a couple of “This isn’t an April Fool’s joke” disclaimers on legitimate announcements.
Why not wait one more day?
If it’s not extremely urgent or time-sensitive like “Our offices will be closed because of a wildfire/tsunami/bomb threat”, why try to make a serious announcement on the one day of the year that it’s most likely to be greeted with skepticism?
I realize that Google set the bar high by announcing Gmail on April 1, but if your marketing & communication people can’t figure that out, you need smarter marcom people.
(I hate being on the internet on April 1. Far too many of the jokes are stupid and/or boring, and that doesn’t count the ones that have to be apologized for later.)
ellie
I thought there was something wrong with that cat. But the photo was blurry and I had been drinking so I just said meh.
dance around in your bones
@chopper:
Eeeeeeew, Slurpees. Nasty shit. Loved them as a kid, though.
I just think it’s hysterical that Cole actually raised money through an April Fool’s post.
We’re all bozos on the bus. And you’re either on the bus or off it.
henqiguai
Top
Get over it. Apparently most of us really really like this joint.
JWL
Keep my dough, Cole. I dig the site.
That said, and as has obviously occurred to you, wire fraud is a serious crime. And, your mea culpa notwithstanding, I don’t feel at all foolish having wired my money. I’ll put it down to you not being half as clever a writer as you apparently think you are.
Everything is cool on my end.
Citizen_X
@Just Some Fuckhead: Wins the thread, right there.
PS: that operating-table pic was from when Tunch got his adamantium skeleton, right?
ranchandsyrup
According to mcmegan’s calculator, 27% of juicehead commenters donated.
Hungry Joe
@Cathie from Canada:
“Start the Revolution Without Me”!!! Hilarious movie. Haven’t seen it in so many, well, decades. Ah, the Corsican Brothers …
raven
Here’s a no-kill shelter in Athens, Ga that is in financial trouble. Petzone.
OmerosPeanut
We didn’t even have to wait years for John’s “I was wrong” post this time. ;)
Calming Influence
John,
Glad you updated; I was in the process of transferring funds so I could give the whole $6 mil. Maybe I’ll head on over to FireDogLake and see if they could use any cash.
Narcissus
@Baud: Crack Male Hookers. In 1972 they were sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit.
Gin & Tonic
@ellie: It’s a Cole photo. Of course it’s blurry.
Calming Influence
Also, PayPal won’t let you send over $3,000,000 at one time.
RAM
I wondered to myself, I says to myself, gee, I wonder how much money Cole’s going to get from this. Then I says to myself, nah! Clearly…but not clearly.
max
I thought the April Fools post I put up last night would be blatantly obvious,
It was. But it was such a rag on Sully that I didn’t figure it out til halfway through.
We have three options for you
Unless there’s a coveritlive thing coming up in the next six months, split it 50/50 between hosting expenses and the pet rescue.
And the worst thing is that so many of you wrote glowing notes about the site on your donation comments and I feel like a total fucking dick.
{snork} No, the worst thing is that I’ve been waiting all day for the post where you explain that Tunch had somehow managed to squirrel a bottle of mustard in the cat tree.
Followed by a post exclaiming surprise at getting an anonymous package in the mail with a pair of pants in them.
max
[‘I started to trot out B1FF last night, but man, I was too tired to test out if the code tag works as expected.’]
I’ll bet this breaks:
/|__/| .~ ~./o=o'`./ .'{o__, {/ . . )`-` '-' }.( _( )_.''---.~_ _ _|srv
I am instead referring this matter to my state Attorney General and the WordPress Ombudsman.
danielx
@Baud:
Not going to go far with a few hundred dollars; perhaps we can prevail upon Rmoney to make a, ah, donation.
@John Cole:
Well, John, to quote that well-known prophet Bob Marley:
Who the cap fit, let them wear it.
Though I admit the picture of Tunch bound and gagged is worth a bit. He is popular with the veterinarian’s staff, isn’t he?
drew42
Joke’s on you, Cole! I saw the cat photo, figured it was a post about your cat, and didn’t read.
Villago Delenda Est
@A Ghost To Most:
What exactly would a cat porno be? Five minutes of Tunch soaking up a sunbeam?
Litlebritdifrnt
For what it’s worth I would happily pay $20.00 ayear for this blog and in fact may just do that if John tells me that it will go to the rescue slush fund.
Schlemizel
well, you are a total dick! B-{D
I got the impression a lot of folks knew it was a gag but wanted an excuse to send a few bucks your way.
Tonal Crow
JC, better hope that any
prosecutorspersecutors with jurisdiction aren’t having bad days. You just never know what’s a crime these days. Which, BTW, is a patent unconstitutionality that’s grown so big it’s become invisible.taylormattd
Good evening Balloon-Juice users.
Should you need the services of a class action attorney specializing in intertube frauds, free send me an email at: [email protected]
Poopyman
Hey, I just went to check on something in Google Maps, and there’s a version called “Treasure”. Probably April Fools version, but it’s kinda cool and I hope they keep it around.
Odie Hugh Manatee
That is why I rated your prank at 5 out of 5 stars in that thread. I was wondering if you were serious at first but as I read it the April Fool’s joke came crashing through, loud and clear. Not only did you sucker some here to send some bucks, I saw at least one comment that said NO to a subscription because they “know quality” when they see it.
Kudos dude, you reel them in even when you aren’t trying. :)
MikeJ
@Poopyman: The Fremont Troll is on the map!
Patricia Kayden
That’s a dang shame. You got me. You can keep my donation and give it to any needy animal at MARC.
As my favorite President once said, “Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”
Blue galangal
Or option c: people who aren’t stupid, thought it was funny, but were meaning to donate (again) for a while now andjustnevergotaroundtoit. Cause y’all bring me a lot of joy on a regular basis. :)
1badbaba3
Very cool JG, very cool.
arguingwithsignposts
@eastriver: No fair winning the thread with the first comment!
Quaker in a Basement
Use the money to buy yourself one of those blenders that makes flawless bechamel.
low-tech cyclist
Dear Total Fucking Dick:
1) You’re doing something very right here. This place has become one of the few indispensable blogs on the Web. I never know who’s going to say something today that I really need to hear. Might be Zandar or Kay or mistermix or Imani or DougJ or Tom or Betty or Anne, you just never know. Maybe even you! But it’s always going to be somebody, and often several somebodies.
2) I don’t mind saying that if I had to pay $20/year to read this website, I damned sure would. It’s worth a lot more than that to me. And I know there are costs to running a place like this. You just made the switch to newer, faster servers, and you’re about to improve the design, which I assume means some software improvements and stuff. Always happy to help.
3) But I still like option 3 the best. Take my $20 and add it to the pile of money that you give to Evelyn at MARC the next time the animals need money. I’ll email you my info, so you know which donor to check off the list.
You know, I don’t feel the least bit bad about having been suckered by your April Fool’s joke. I’ve been a sucker for far worse things than this. May your blog continue to kick serious ass for a long time.
JPL
@Poopyman: You have to follow the directions though.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qFFHC0eIUc
Dave
Whenever someone I know comes into a sudden, more-than-$200-windfall, I think to myself that if I had that money, I’d be buying a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label. I mean, when would I ever buy it otherwise? That’s what you should do.
Poopyman
@low-tech cyclist: Thank you. I can +1 all three points without having to compose it.
Phoenix_rising
Cole, you’re hilarious. Here’s what a complete jackass you are: I thought you were mocking Sully for no apparent reason. Forgot about Fools’ Day, just thought you were being your usual self.
If you were kissing up and kicking down, instead of the inverse, this wouldn’t have been remotely funny. Drink the change, man.
Comrade Mary
@A Ghost To Most: Boom chicka meow meow?
SamR
Am I the only one who suspects people donated even though they got that it was a joke just to see what Cole’s reaction would be?
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
It’s totally hilarious. We’re a fun bunch. Sometimes.
SiubhanDuinne
@Baud:
We can make it so.
Thymezone
No worries, mate. My first reaction was, there is no fucking way in hell I am paying money to participate in Balloon-Juice. I figure you already owe me about $35k in unpaid fees for driving up your viewership back in the day when I could hold up three monthlong flame wars at one time without missing a beat.
So, you know, it’s all good.
dexwood
I vote for splitting it between 2 out of 3 of the choices.
Thymezone
Oh, and yeah, I used to donate to the site back in those days even while you were banning me. So, you know. All good.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Thymezone:
That’s called Pay to Play.
Thymezone
Okay, not donating during the actual ban. But still.
maya
Is this where my taxpayer money’s welfare checks are going?
I didn’t know that was Tunch on the table. I thought it was a rabbit about to be euthanized. “Send money or I’ll boil this rabbit” might have gotten more juice.
Thymezone
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Hey, don’t you owe me money?
Just Some Fuckhead
@Thymezone: I do. But I’d rather owe it to you than stiff you for it. I’m a mensch like that.
Comrade Mary
@Just Some Fuckhead: Hey, don’t you two owe me money?
(It’s worth a shot. They’re on a roll. Everyone else shut up.)
Thymezone
@Just Some Fuckhead:
I think that’s called a distinction without a difference.
Thymezone
So I was thinking the other day, damn, I miss those endless and baroque flame wars we used to have on BJ, when men were men and women were good looking.
And then I said, Nah, shit, it’s just the tequila talking.
Scott Alloway
Take the money and run. To the rescue group.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Thymezone:
If that’s the way you feel, then I guess there’s no reason to pay you.
CaseyL
Hey, I was about to get the wallet out until I read the part where you hoped to raise $6M; that’s the point where I went “Waitaminute. Today’s April 1. Sonuvabitch.”
FTR, if you do ever need us to kick in cash – for an animal rescue slush fund, or to feed the servers that host the blog – a whole lot of us would be happy to subscribe.
Thymezone
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Alright then, I have to condemn you to a lifetime of itchy pustules on your private parts. Sorry. Let me know when you change your mind.
EL
@John Cole: But John, you always post that way. Use my $20 for whatever the site needs or any needy animal. Well worth it for the entertainment factor alone.
low-tech cyclist
@Poopyman: You’re welcome!
Ruckus
I didn’t get fooled so I don’t think I should have an opinion about what to do with OPM. If I did feel that I’d have a job in the financial industry, and my card would just say “$Trust Me$”, with a phone number on the back.
Jay C
So, John: you got a couple of hundred bucks in “donations” out of your gag? C’mon! Soupy Sales supposedly pulled in thousand for his “solicitation” – tho’ he probably had a bigger (if not much more mature) audience…..
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Thymezone:
I agree. We used to have some excellent trolls and crazy fucks who could actually argue well (relatively speaking).
That and Darrell. Yup, the good ol’ daze…
I hope you and RA are doing well, TZ. :)
Thymezone
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
‘Kew, I will pass that along to the better half.
Or come by Ty Emzone on FB and we’ll hook you up over there.
Ruckus
@Jay C:
I was one of Soupy’s audience and I resemble that remark. So did my dad. I think that was the only entertainment of any kind we both liked.
Debbie(aussie)
I really, really love this place :)
Ted & Hellen
Holy shit. A whole new level of grifting.
Morzer
I saw the title and had a brief, joyous vision of the New York Times finally admitting to all of us that they just publish David Brooks because 4chan refuses to have him.
Kincade Webb
I almost donated but then read the comments and noted all the others who got the joke, which I did not. But this site does deserve that kind of support, or at least some of it. :-)
Thanks for being the site I get more laughs from along with truth.
Anne Laurie
Sent you an email, Cole. I know YOU HATE THOSE, but read it just this once, okay?
Just Some Fuckhead
@Ruckus:
He’s on reruns on the jew channel. (JLTV)
Lavocat
Dude. The 1st rule of April Fool’s Day jokes IS THAT THEY ARE NOT FUCKING FUNNY UNLESS THEY OCCUR ON APRIL FOOL’S DAY.
Jesus. Get with the program already.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Thymezone:
Thanks but I haven’t done the FB thingy because I just don’t care for the idea. My wife does it but very sparingly, like once a month…lol, to update her family and friends. Same with the Twatting, not interested.
This is where I yell at the kids to get off of my lawn. :p
Ruckus
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Not sure if that’s funny or not. Guess it depends if you ever traveled to the Catskills during the middle of the last century.
Gus
@Lavocat: Actually, they’re not funny when they occur on April Fool’s day either. I fucking hate April Fool’s day.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Comrade Mary:
lolz
Missed that the first time around.
mclaren
Holy fucking crap. A bunch of gullible witless dupes actually sent you money?
Wowser.
I always suspected the balloon-juice commentariat scraped along the bottom quartile of the Stanford-Binet bell curve, but looks like I’m going to have recalibrate my estimate a whole order of magnitude lower…
Well, at least that explains the presence of commenters like Mnemosyne & burnspbesq & eemom.
AndoChronic
I kinda thought so, but… we’re all apparently hyper-sensitive assholes who like to project onto you! Still love you, keep it real in ‘da field though i-ight. Feel free to do another April fool’s joke though IMO. I kinda like how worked up I get about a stupid blog post! P.S. you’ll also consider Tunch’s situation (as I mentioned) if you have to clean his private areas with a cotton ball and special script solution for him because he’s past the point of being able to adequately care for himself due to mitigating circumstances of fatness as I have to with my fat ass cat until she loses 2-5 pounds.
Mjaum
Who is the fooliest? The fool, or the fool who fools him?
(Correct syntax is optional.)
Our good host managed to create an april’s fool joke where people could fool him right back. And he didn’t go all “Yeah, I meant to do that.”
Well done.
WereBear
I trust your good heart, John.
deep
@Michael G: ”////////////////
FUCK YOU JOHN! HERE’S SOME MONEY!~
SuzieC
@Litlebritdifrnt:
Agreed. Keep the money, you dick.
Cassidy
You could always use the money to buy new sports equipment or musical instruments for the local elementary/ middle school.
GMataisz
I am one of those people who immediately sent my 19.99 to you. I am not stupid, just an old white lady who escaped from Texas and retired to a mountain top in Colorado. I am college educated and some say intelligent and was hurt by some of the comments about stupidity so I feel I must defend my prompt subscription.
I have been a follower since almost the beginning, and while I left no comments, bought no merchandise and made no contributions, I read daily, including many of the comments. I did feel guilty that I was getting so much from John, Sarah P&T, ABL, Doug, Annie, Betty…and on and on, that when I saw that Balloon Juice might go private, I sent money. $19.99 is only more than fair for what I already received. Thank You for the sense of community I get here.
Thymezone
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
Totally understand. I hate FB on so many levels. I am pretty sure that the people who write the software are Nazis or else they are from outer space and their goal is to destroy our planet.
Jebediah
How about for potential fosterage of Lucy?