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You are here: Home / Great moments in journalism

Great moments in journalism

by Tim F|  April 24, 201312:00 pm| 59 Comments

This post is in: WTF?

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Raw Story:

Freed Elvis-impersonating ricin suspect thanks Jesus, offers foot rubs to Mississippi ‘ladies’

Thank god nobody got hurt, because the more you read the better this story gets. Someone clearly framed Paul Kevin Curtis, the Elvis-impersonating massage artist, by putting ‘his’ signature on the tainted letters (the guy contacts Congress A LOT). Curtis fingered a former friend who is just as happy to give weird statements to the press, and someone’s lawyers have no doubt gotten a call from the Coen Brothers about movie rights.

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Reader Interactions

59Comments

  1. 1.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    April 24, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I hope this doesn’t unfairly tarnish Jesus.

  2. 2.

    catclub

    April 24, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Jesus did offer footwashing, not sure about the footrubs.

    Although we now know all too much about whose feet should and should not be warshed in the Christian hierarchical orgs.

  3. 3.

    WereBear

    April 24, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Nope, Cohen Brothers do fake true stories. Though maybe the Farelly Brothers. That would so work!

  4. 4.

    Eric U.

    April 24, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    I’m not a lady, but I could use a footrub right now.

  5. 5.

    greenergood

    April 24, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    OT: any news on Iowa City Rihilism’s kitties Irina and Masha? New homes?

  6. 6.

    Petorado

    April 24, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    “O Elvis, Where Art Thou”?

  7. 7.

    Morzer

    April 24, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    I was so looking forward to Glenn “Unsullied” Kessler awarding Pinocchios to all concerned in the interests of bipartisan neutrality.

  8. 8.

    Biscuits

    April 24, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Just some Fuckhead wins the inter tubes today. ;) thank ya …thank ya very much.

  9. 9.

    beltane

    April 24, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Something’s rotten in the state of Mississippi. But then again, we’ve known this for a long time.

    I wonder if there’s anything to Elvis’s organ stealing allegations. Who knows at this point.

  10. 10.

    jprfrog

    April 24, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    History didn’t even wait to repeat what was tragedy (Boston) as farce (Ricin in Ol’ Miss).

  11. 11.

    Another Halocene Human

    April 24, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    @catclub: WFWJW (What Feet Would Jesus Wash)?

    I find it hard to believe that the famous consorter with prostitutes, tax collectors, and Samaritans (the fatties, drug users, and ambulance-chasing lawyers of their day) would have sniffed at washing a Serbian girl’s feet, but I guess my problem is that when a bunch of adults told me very seriously that the Bible was “the good book” the “answer” the “greatest story ever told” and “the guide” I ACTUALLY READ IT. Fuck me.

  12. 12.

    priscianus jr

    April 24, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    We need more people like this guy. No snark.

  13. 13.

    Another Halocene Human

    April 24, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    @beltane: Elvis opened a morgue fridge and found a head and some limbs in there. If you know anything about organ or tissue transplantation (Elvis does not… he wasn’t a healthcare worker… he was a janitor who had been given a special assignment out of his section… and I guess he had a habit of stealing the nurse’s sodas and ignoring signs that said “DO NOT OPEN THIS FRIDGE”) you would know that these body parts had necrotized. They might have been kept there for medical students or maybe they were awaiting autopsy procedures for some other reason. From what I gather it’s not an unusual thing to find in a hospital morgue.

  14. 14.

    The Dangerman

    April 24, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Love me fingers, love me feet…

    /elvis masseuse’s lament

  15. 15.

    Another Halocene Human

    April 24, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    @priscianus jr: I like where he comes out and baldly states that reflexology is just foot massage, not some sort of esoteric Eastern healing modality that can cure liver disease, glaucoma, blah blah blah if only you concentrate the chi in the right part of the plantar fascia.

  16. 16.

    FlipYrWhig

    April 24, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    This dude’s press conference was super creepy on everything related to gender.

  17. 17.

    Schlemizel

    April 24, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    @Another Halocene Human:

    AS a teen I prayed really really hard for guidance when I decided to read the Bible cover to cover. The experience was so unnerving that the next summer I read it again. Again praying every day for understanding.

    I can only assume, given the power of prayer, that the answers I received were those He had intended. Why he wants me to be an atheist is a mystery – He does so seem to love mysteries thought, doesn’t He? – But who are us lowly humans to question His great plan?

  18. 18.

    Another Halocene Human

    April 24, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    Btw, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t open fridges in science labs or hospitals that I don’t know about.

    Remember that couple that gave themselves Mercury poisoning because they were sticking their lunch every day in a sample fridge?

    (See, smart people can be extra dumb, too.)

  19. 19.

    Chris

    April 24, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    @beltane:

    Something’s rotten in the state of Mississippi. But then again, we’ve known this for a long time.

    I can never remember if the saying goes “Alabama loves Mississippi because it makes them look good” or the other way around.

  20. 20.

    russell

    April 24, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Not for nothing, but “100,000 hours” of volunteer foot rubbin’ is basically full time for the next 50 years.

    The dude loves to rub him some feet.

  21. 21.

    Cassidy

    April 24, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Curtis fingered a former friend who is just as happy to give weird statements to the press

    He’s a Catholic Priest too? This guy does everything!

  22. 22.

    beltane

    April 24, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    @Another Halocene Human: The best part about his story is that he claimed he was overwhelmed with thirst after cleaning up the unspeakable things that oozed out of the morgue’s drains. The only overwhelming urge most people would have in that situation is the urge to vomit.

  23. 23.

    joeyess

    April 24, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I’ll return when the autoplay Daily Show video has moved down the queue and off the front page. While enjoying the video, I now have it nearly memorized, thank you.

    Had this same problem at the GOS……. somehow got it fixed.

  24. 24.

    JGabriel

    April 24, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Tim F.:

    Someone clearly framed Paul Kevin Curtis …

    Just because yer paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t to get ya.

  25. 25.

    Patricia Kayden

    April 24, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    I hope amidst all this laughter about the Elvis impersonator, the real culprit is caught. And I hope Curtis’ 15 minutes of fame expires soon.

  26. 26.

    jl

    April 24, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    I am puzzled by the lack of conspiracy theories about this Southern Gothic episode.

    I find that, in itself, very suspicious, and a sign there must be some conspiracy.

    Edit: and since anybody can cook up conspiracies, that means the conspiracy must include… everybody. Be afraid, you sheeples.

  27. 27.

    MikeJ

    April 24, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    @jl: Conspiracy, you say?

  28. 28.

    Gloryb

    April 24, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Of course, he said the first thing he had to do now that he was freed was to find his dog, who ran away when the Feds took him.

    Doesn’t that get him some love from the BJ folks?

  29. 29.

    Roger Moore

    April 24, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    I hope this doesn’t unfairly tarnish Jesus.

    His followers have been working to tarnish his reputation for most of the past 2000 years. This stuff is going to be a drop in the bucket next to Focus on the Family, much less the Crusades or the Inquisition.

  30. 30.

    J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford

    April 24, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    “Curtis fingered a former friend…”

    I thought this was a family blog?

  31. 31.

    glory b

    April 24, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Hey, when asked what was the frist thing he’d do now that he was free, the guy said he needed to find his lost dog, who ran away when the Feds came to take him away.

    Doesn’t that get him a little love from the BJers? :)

  32. 32.

    Another Halocene Human

    April 24, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    I guess the moral of this story is that Elvis is a lover, not a fighter.

  33. 33.

    Mr Stagger Lee

    April 24, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    @Eric U.: Would you give a guy message? However warning to Elvis, don’t end up like Antoine Rockamora!

  34. 34.

    Alex S.

    April 24, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    @MikeJ:

    Hmm, I think I believe in three of them, maybe four.

  35. 35.

    Roger Moore

    April 24, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    @Another Halocene Human:

    Remember that couple that gave themselves Mercury poisoning because they were sticking their lunch every day in a sample fridge?

    I learned not to use a lab fridge to store food on the first day of lab in High School Chemistry, the same day I learned not to eat in the lab or drink out of beakers. Anyone who can’t follow a rule that simple deserves whatever they get for their troubles. Anyone who breaks the rules the other way by storing chemicals in a food storage refrigerator deserves to be drawn and quartered.

  36. 36.

    MikeJ

    April 24, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    @Alex S.: Pan Am 103 was the only one I noticed that is undeniably true. It was, after all, a Libyan that was convicted and was treated as a hero upon his return.

  37. 37.

    jibeaux

    April 24, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    @jl: In this case, you cannot make up anything weirder or more far-fetched than the actual story.

  38. 38.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    April 24, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    @Gloryb:

    Doesn’t that get him some love from the BJ folks?

    No, but we may have found Stuck.

  39. 39.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    April 24, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    @WereBear:

    Nope, Cohen Brothers do fake true stories. Though maybe the Farelly Brothers. That would so work!

    Only because the Marx Brothers are unavailable.

  40. 40.

    Cris (without an H)

    April 24, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Elvis is the foot-fuckin’-master. Got his technique down and everything. He don’t be tickling or nothin’.

  41. 41.

    artem1s

    April 24, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    @Patricia Kayden:

    I hope amidst all this laughter about the Elvis impersonator, the real culprit is caught. And I hope Curtis’ 15 minutes of fame expires soon.

    I fully expect him to announce his candidacy for national office in the coming weeks. Should be an interesting addition to the Herman Cain, Newt, Perry and Santorum clown car.

    Srsly, the GOP debates in 2016 NEED an Elvis impersonator.

  42. 42.

    Alex S.

    April 24, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    @MikeJ:

    Though the conspiracy in that case is that the government did it and they just blamed it on the Libyans. I like to think that ADD and ADHD are inventions by the pharma lobby to sell more drugs. I think these syndromes are just a consequence of shortened attention spans due to modern visual entertainment and children spending less time outside. Oh, and maybe the CIA killed Kennedy and there were aliens on Earth thousands of years ago.

  43. 43.

    Roger Moore

    April 24, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    @artem1s:

    Srsly, the GOP debates in 2016 NEED an Elvis impersonator.

    He’ll give some much needed gravitas to the usual GOP clown car cavalcade.

  44. 44.

    IowaOldLady

    April 24, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    I can’t imagine letting this guy touch my feet. That is just weird.

  45. 45.

    catclub

    April 24, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    @MikeJ: Also global warming.

  46. 46.

    Just One More Canuck

    April 24, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    @MikeJ: stolen

  47. 47.

    gbear

    April 24, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Your sins already killed him.

  48. 48.

    gbear

    April 24, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    @WereBear: I thought Fargo was based on a true true story.

  49. 49.

    Trollhattan

    April 24, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    and someone’s lawyers have no doubt gotten a call from the Coen Brothers about movie rights.

    He’s a Dapper Dan man!

  50. 50.

    Sophist

    April 24, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    …someone’s lawyers have no doubt gotten a call from the Coen Brothers about movie rights.

    A crazy, creepy Elvis impersonator with a foot fetish who thinks he’s a suave ladies man? It’s the role Nicholas Cage was born to play!

  51. 51.

    Barney

    April 24, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    It’s worth highlighting that the 2nd man has a history:

    “I’m a patriotic American. I don’t have any grudges against anybody. I did not send the letters,” said Dutschke, who was a Republican candidate for the Mississippi House of Representatives in 2007 but lost.

    http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2013/04/2nd_man_investigated_in_mailin.html

    Dustschke is no stranger to local law enforcement in Lee County and Tupelo. He was indicted in January on child molestation charges. He has also been convicted in Tupelo Municipal Court for indecent exposure and sentenced to serve six months.

    http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20130424/NEWS01/304240029/Politically-active-Tupelo-man-denies-involvement-ricin-case

  52. 52.

    TRex

    April 24, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    I was very, very proud of that headline, thank you.

    Did you guys notice one of the last of the Jane loyalists has jumped ship over at Firebaglake?

  53. 53.

    Mnemosyne

    April 24, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    @gbear:

    Nope. They made it all up.

  54. 54.

    Mnemosyne

    April 24, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    @TRex:

    Tbogg?

  55. 55.

    gbear

    April 24, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    @Mnemosyne: Tbogg isn’t exactly a loyalist to the Firebagger crowd. There’s nothing on his site right now that implies he’s gone. I haven’t visited the rest of FDL in years so I woundn’t even know who’s gone.

  56. 56.

    Cris (without an H)

    April 24, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    @Barney: He has also been convicted in Tupelo Municipal Court for indecent exposure and sentenced to serve six months.

    Eight-year-olds, dude.

  57. 57.

    vickijean

    April 24, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    @Chris: Having lived in both states, I assure you it is interchangeable.

  58. 58.

    Shalimar

    April 24, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    @Barney: The seemingly random local judge who received the 3rd tainted letter also turns out to be the mother of the Mississippi state representative that Dutschke lost to in his run for office.

  59. 59.

    TRex

    April 24, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    @Mnemosyne: Nah, good ol’ Teddy Partridge, bless him.

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