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Great moments in journalism

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Raw Story:

Freed Elvis-impersonating ricin suspect thanks Jesus, offers foot rubs to Mississippi ‘ladies’

Thank god nobody got hurt, because the more you read the better this story gets. Someone clearly framed Paul Kevin Curtis, the Elvis-impersonating massage artist, by putting ‘his’ signature on the tainted letters (the guy contacts Congress A LOT). Curtis fingered a former friend who is just as happy to give weird statements to the press, and someone’s lawyers have no doubt gotten a call from the Coen Brothers about movie rights.

Reader Interactions

59Comments

  2. 2.

    catclub

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Jesus did offer footwashing, not sure about the footrubs.

    Although we now know all too much about whose feet should and should not be warshed in the Christian hierarchical orgs.

  7. 7.

    Morzer

    I was so looking forward to Glenn “Unsullied” Kessler awarding Pinocchios to all concerned in the interests of bipartisan neutrality.

  9. 9.

    beltane

    Something’s rotten in the state of Mississippi. But then again, we’ve known this for a long time.

    I wonder if there’s anything to Elvis’s organ stealing allegations. Who knows at this point.

  10. 10.

    jprfrog

    History didn’t even wait to repeat what was tragedy (Boston) as farce (Ricin in Ol’ Miss).

  11. 11.

    Another Halocene Human

    @catclub: WFWJW (What Feet Would Jesus Wash)?

    I find it hard to believe that the famous consorter with prostitutes, tax collectors, and Samaritans (the fatties, drug users, and ambulance-chasing lawyers of their day) would have sniffed at washing a Serbian girl’s feet, but I guess my problem is that when a bunch of adults told me very seriously that the Bible was “the good book” the “answer” the “greatest story ever told” and “the guide” I ACTUALLY READ IT. Fuck me.

  13. 13.

    Another Halocene Human

    @beltane: Elvis opened a morgue fridge and found a head and some limbs in there. If you know anything about organ or tissue transplantation (Elvis does not… he wasn’t a healthcare worker… he was a janitor who had been given a special assignment out of his section… and I guess he had a habit of stealing the nurse’s sodas and ignoring signs that said “DO NOT OPEN THIS FRIDGE”) you would know that these body parts had necrotized. They might have been kept there for medical students or maybe they were awaiting autopsy procedures for some other reason. From what I gather it’s not an unusual thing to find in a hospital morgue.

  15. 15.

    Another Halocene Human

    @priscianus jr: I like where he comes out and baldly states that reflexology is just foot massage, not some sort of esoteric Eastern healing modality that can cure liver disease, glaucoma, blah blah blah if only you concentrate the chi in the right part of the plantar fascia.

  17. 17.

    Schlemizel

    @Another Halocene Human:

    AS a teen I prayed really really hard for guidance when I decided to read the Bible cover to cover. The experience was so unnerving that the next summer I read it again. Again praying every day for understanding.

    I can only assume, given the power of prayer, that the answers I received were those He had intended. Why he wants me to be an atheist is a mystery – He does so seem to love mysteries thought, doesn’t He? – But who are us lowly humans to question His great plan?

  18. 18.

    Another Halocene Human

    Btw, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t open fridges in science labs or hospitals that I don’t know about.

    Remember that couple that gave themselves Mercury poisoning because they were sticking their lunch every day in a sample fridge?

    (See, smart people can be extra dumb, too.)

  19. 19.

    Chris

    @beltane:

    Something’s rotten in the state of Mississippi. But then again, we’ve known this for a long time.

    I can never remember if the saying goes “Alabama loves Mississippi because it makes them look good” or the other way around.

  20. 20.

    russell

    Not for nothing, but “100,000 hours” of volunteer foot rubbin’ is basically full time for the next 50 years.

    The dude loves to rub him some feet.

  21. 21.

    Cassidy

    Curtis fingered a former friend who is just as happy to give weird statements to the press

    He’s a Catholic Priest too? This guy does everything!

  22. 22.

    beltane

    @Another Halocene Human: The best part about his story is that he claimed he was overwhelmed with thirst after cleaning up the unspeakable things that oozed out of the morgue’s drains. The only overwhelming urge most people would have in that situation is the urge to vomit.

  23. 23.

    joeyess

    I’ll return when the autoplay Daily Show video has moved down the queue and off the front page. While enjoying the video, I now have it nearly memorized, thank you.

    Had this same problem at the GOS……. somehow got it fixed.

  24. 24.

    JGabriel

    Tim F.:

    Someone clearly framed Paul Kevin Curtis …

    Just because yer paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t to get ya.

  25. 25.

    Patricia Kayden

    I hope amidst all this laughter about the Elvis impersonator, the real culprit is caught. And I hope Curtis’ 15 minutes of fame expires soon.

  26. 26.

    jl

    I am puzzled by the lack of conspiracy theories about this Southern Gothic episode.

    I find that, in itself, very suspicious, and a sign there must be some conspiracy.

    Edit: and since anybody can cook up conspiracies, that means the conspiracy must include… everybody. Be afraid, you sheeples.

  28. 28.

    Gloryb

    Of course, he said the first thing he had to do now that he was freed was to find his dog, who ran away when the Feds took him.

    Doesn’t that get him some love from the BJ folks?

  29. 29.

    Roger Moore

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    I hope this doesn’t unfairly tarnish Jesus.

    His followers have been working to tarnish his reputation for most of the past 2000 years. This stuff is going to be a drop in the bucket next to Focus on the Family, much less the Crusades or the Inquisition.

  30. 30.

    J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford

    “Curtis fingered a former friend…”

    I thought this was a family blog?

  31. 31.

    glory b

    Hey, when asked what was the frist thing he’d do now that he was free, the guy said he needed to find his lost dog, who ran away when the Feds came to take him away.

    Doesn’t that get him a little love from the BJers? :)

  35. 35.

    Roger Moore

    @Another Halocene Human:

    Remember that couple that gave themselves Mercury poisoning because they were sticking their lunch every day in a sample fridge?

    I learned not to use a lab fridge to store food on the first day of lab in High School Chemistry, the same day I learned not to eat in the lab or drink out of beakers. Anyone who can’t follow a rule that simple deserves whatever they get for their troubles. Anyone who breaks the rules the other way by storing chemicals in a food storage refrigerator deserves to be drawn and quartered.

  36. 36.

    MikeJ

    @Alex S.: Pan Am 103 was the only one I noticed that is undeniably true. It was, after all, a Libyan that was convicted and was treated as a hero upon his return.

  37. 37.

    jibeaux

    @jl: In this case, you cannot make up anything weirder or more far-fetched than the actual story.

  39. 39.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @WereBear:

    Nope, Cohen Brothers do fake true stories. Though maybe the Farelly Brothers. That would so work!

    Only because the Marx Brothers are unavailable.

  41. 41.

    artem1s

    @Patricia Kayden:

    I hope amidst all this laughter about the Elvis impersonator, the real culprit is caught. And I hope Curtis’ 15 minutes of fame expires soon.

    I fully expect him to announce his candidacy for national office in the coming weeks. Should be an interesting addition to the Herman Cain, Newt, Perry and Santorum clown car.

    Srsly, the GOP debates in 2016 NEED an Elvis impersonator.

  42. 42.

    Alex S.

    @MikeJ:

    Though the conspiracy in that case is that the government did it and they just blamed it on the Libyans. I like to think that ADD and ADHD are inventions by the pharma lobby to sell more drugs. I think these syndromes are just a consequence of shortened attention spans due to modern visual entertainment and children spending less time outside. Oh, and maybe the CIA killed Kennedy and there were aliens on Earth thousands of years ago.

  49. 49.

    Trollhattan

    and someone’s lawyers have no doubt gotten a call from the Coen Brothers about movie rights.

    He’s a Dapper Dan man!

  50. 50.

    Sophist

    …someone’s lawyers have no doubt gotten a call from the Coen Brothers about movie rights.

    A crazy, creepy Elvis impersonator with a foot fetish who thinks he’s a suave ladies man? It’s the role Nicholas Cage was born to play!

  51. 51.

    Barney

    It’s worth highlighting that the 2nd man has a history:

    “I’m a patriotic American. I don’t have any grudges against anybody. I did not send the letters,” said Dutschke, who was a Republican candidate for the Mississippi House of Representatives in 2007 but lost.

    http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2013/04/2nd_man_investigated_in_mailin.html

    Dustschke is no stranger to local law enforcement in Lee County and Tupelo. He was indicted in January on child molestation charges. He has also been convicted in Tupelo Municipal Court for indecent exposure and sentenced to serve six months.

    http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20130424/NEWS01/304240029/Politically-active-Tupelo-man-denies-involvement-ricin-case

  52. 52.

    TRex

    I was very, very proud of that headline, thank you.

    Did you guys notice one of the last of the Jane loyalists has jumped ship over at Firebaglake?

  55. 55.

    gbear

    @Mnemosyne: Tbogg isn’t exactly a loyalist to the Firebagger crowd. There’s nothing on his site right now that implies he’s gone. I haven’t visited the rest of FDL in years so I woundn’t even know who’s gone.

  58. 58.

    Shalimar

    @Barney: The seemingly random local judge who received the 3rd tainted letter also turns out to be the mother of the Mississippi state representative that Dutschke lost to in his run for office.

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