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I’m sure you banged some questionable people yourself.

Come on, man.

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Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

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Accountability, motherfuckers.

Putin must be throwing ketchup at the walls.

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My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

Take your GOP plan out of the witness protection program.

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You are here: Home / Soo, That Was New

Soo, That Was New

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I just hurt myself in only a way John Cole could hurt himself. I let the girls out back to do a nightly potty, and as I closed the sliding glass door in the kitchen once they came back in, I caught the belt of my bathrobe in the door without realizing it, turned to tromp off, and because the belt was caught in the door I fell over.

I rule.

And I managed to do this without the benefit of booze, because I am still drinking water like a camel after last night’s exploits. BTW- there is nothing crazier than an Irish wake bacchanalia for an atheist Irishman.

Reader Interactions

73Comments

  3. 3.

    Gravenstone

    Slacker. If you had true talent you’d have somehow jerked the door from its frame with that maneuver, then had it shatter and shower you in glass.

  4. 4.

    Scott Alloway

    Cole, you are me in my younger days. It does not change. (Scott at age 63). Keep being you. You allow me to believe I wasn’t that much off the norm.

  6. 6.

    MattR

    I threw my neck out in the shower a few weeks ago. The morning of a friend’s wedding. The only good thing about that was the medications.

  7. 7.

    jl

    Ah, come on. The old catching random pieces of your clothes in stuff trick. And this uppity presumptuous Cole thinks he has me beat there. Really. The fool, the poor simple fool!

    My most recent exploit was going out on an errand, and deciding to walk a long ways to pick up something at the post office. And I was wearing very old worn cheap slacks.

    Getting coffee was suddenly a Very Important Thing, and while I was suavely drinking the coffee and fiddling with some bag I was carrying while rushing out of he coffee shop, since because I plan things so well, I would be practically running to get to the post office before it closed, I caught part of my very worn very thin slacks on the door and ripped one pants leg open along the seam from above the back pocket down below the knew.

    I had decided to put on the most pathetically holed and wretched underpants that day.

    I had to walk home while trying to hold half the damn pants together with one hand.

    Didn’t quite make it to the post office.

    Edit: and then there was the time I almost tore my finger off trying to reach around a half open door to get a towel, because I had just mopped the bathroom floor and did not want to put my dirty footsie prints on the sterile beautiful PERFECTLY mopped floor. Got away with just a really bad sprain. I can be a moron sometimes.

  10. 10.

    jl

    @jl:

    ” That’s what you get for wearing clothes. ”

    Damn straight.

    Edit: hmm… no possible subtext intended there.

    Edit: On other hand, if guys did not wear clothes, what would be left to get caught in things? Maybe clothes are OK.

  11. 11.

    Maude

    I have caught my sleeves on chairs and such. I can’t tell you how glad I was alone when I did that.
    I am so glad the site designer is okay. I was too late for the last thread.

  13. 13.

    Roger Moore

    @Redshirt:

    Or perhaps live in a padded environment – for your own safety.

    Yeah, Cole needs to be kept in a rubber room, like most of the people on this blog.

  14. 14.

    The Dangerman

    Caught your belt? One of these days, you are going to injure the jewels and I’m just not sure we want to hear the story of any bulging dicks.

    /steve levy

  15. 15.

    NotMax

    Nothing – nothing – makes one feel more maladroit than when a sneeze throws one’s back out.

  16. 16.

    gbear

    John should check to see if anyone makes velcro bathrobes…

    My best pratfall that I’m glad no one saw was to trip over a garden hose while pushing a wheelbarrow full of black dirt, falling into the wheelbarrow and catching the edge of a birdbath on the way down. I wound up lying on the grass covered in mud & laughing because I couldn’t believe it as it was happening.

  17. 17.

    Maude

    @NotMax:
    I’ve heard of that. Also that you die for a second when you sneeze.

    I was whining about the tech forever. I’d feel bad, but I’m loyal to her. She is the best of the best.

  19. 19.

    reality-based

    Yes, well – last summer, on a lovely day, while I was in a very good mood, getting lots accomplished, having a productive and cheerful day –

    I briskly reached into the back seat of the car for something, briskly removed it, and – with my right hand still braced on the door frame – briskly slammed the door shut. Yes, folks – see the amazing dumbo slam the car door on her OWN DAMN HAND!

    Well, the thumb just had a hairline fracture, only had to wear the cast three weeks, The blackish-purple swelling eventually faded, it stopped hurting in a couple of months – so no lasting harm – except to my self-esteem.

    God, I love this blog.

  20. 20.

    gnomedad

    as I closed the sliding glass door in the kitchen once they came back in, I caught

    That sentence could have ended worse.

  22. 22.

    dewzke

    John Cole….grab one beer and walk straight. You are a military man! Que la chinga? You’ve got multiple pets and you can’t handle a robe? Wow! :)

  23. 23.

    Emma

    I just did the cockroach dance in the kitchen, managing to bring my foot down twisted enough to send pain traveling up to my bad knee. Now sitting in bed with Ace cold compress folded around leg.

    Ah, the joys of living in Florida, where the Palmetto bugs invade the house to escape the rains.

  25. 25.

    Laur

    Is this an open thread? I don’t know but I have to let this out: Fuck the higher education in this country. My younger sister worked her ass off in high school, got into her dream school of Berkeley, and now it looks like my family can’t afford it.

    I know I know cry me a river bah bah millions of kids go through this every year. That doesn’t make it any less crap.

  27. 27.

    LesGS

    So back in the mid-60s, my dad, an FSO, was stationed at the consulate in Adana, Turkey. One of his jobs, as a very junior officer, was to shred and incinerate any documents which required shredding and incinerating at the end of each work day. The shredder was down in the basement and ejected the paper directly into a lit furnace.

    So one evening he and his secretary were performing this daily chore when he leaned in too close to the shredder and his tie got caught in the works. They managed to quickly shut the machine down and back him out. So he’s standing there forlornly looking at his mangled tie when his secretary says, “Well, just be happy your fly wasn’t open.”

  28. 28.

    RaflW

    @NotMax:
    A couple times a year, I yawn in just such a certain way, I pull my tongue muscle. It’s the weirdest damn thing. And very uncomfortable.

  29. 29.

    RaflW

    @Laur:

    Dang.

    I can’t remember where I read a longish article recently about financial aid and the top-level schools.

    Leave no stone unturned in the search for grants, reductions, scholarships, etc. You/she/your family probably have, but this article was interesting in talking about how crappy the financial aid info in the initial award letters can be from admissions. That follow-ups, conversations and such with the admitting school are crucial. HS counselors apparently often know crap about finding all the available financial aid.

    I wish you luck and perseverance.

  31. 31.

    lojasmo

    I seriously don’t remember the last time i injured myself doing anything other than trail running, mountain biking, or wrenching on a car.

    Actually, I stubbed/broke my toe several years ago after slipping on the last basement stair.

    And I sprained an ankle and got some road rash driving a motorcycle while inhaling nitrous oxide in 1987.

    Those are the only two, though.

    Cole, you are accident prone.

  32. 32.

    JCT

    @Laur: RalfW beat me to it, but this Cal grad (1984) agrees with him 100%. She earned it, find a way to make it happen. I had to work 20 hours a week all 4 years but I still loved every minute of it.

  33. 33.

    Morzer

    I just hurt myself in only a way John Cole could hurt himself.

    Hmmm well, it ought to involve a Terrible Towel, a large Jets’ guard’s ass and at least six tarantulas.

    Was I close?

  34. 34.

    Genine

    Wow, Cole. So creative. You’re like the Salvador Dali of accidents. Your body’s going to look like something by Picasso by the time you’re 80.

  38. 38.

    GregB

    You do know that as much as you love those dogs, the day you fuck up and bean your head on a coffee table and get knocked out a la William Holden, your lovely pets will go all Donner Party on your ample cadaver.

  41. 41.

    ? Martin

    @Laur:

    My younger sister worked her ass off in high school, got into her dream school of Berkeley, and now it looks like my family can’t afford it.

    Is the parent contribution that high? She should be offered up a loan at worst.

  43. 43.

    Legalize

    I’m in the process of hurting myself listening the new so-called “Stooges” record. So awful and pointless.

  44. 44.

    ? Martin

    @Laur: Let me be a bit more specific:

    There’s two sets of loan options. One is the PLUS federal loan which goes to parents. They can borrow up to the full cost of college. They’re unsubsidized, so mom and dad start paying interest immediately.

    On the student side, there’s Stafford loans that can be used to replace family contribution. Normally these are unsubsidized, so you need to pay interest immediately, but you can capitalize the interest – basically take the interest you’d pay and add it to the size of the loan to defer payments until graduation.

    Call Cal’s financial aid office on Monday. The aid package she just received is not the final answer. They can walk her through other aid options to help make that package work for your family. If you don’t think you can afford Cal, what other options is she considering? Other UC with scholarship? Cal State? If she’s thinking about community college instead, you can always consider SIRing to Berkeley, giving yourself a bit of extra time to work out the finances, and then turning the SIR down later. It’ll only cost you the SIR fee, which isn’t that much. Otherwise she needs to work quickly – you only have until Wednesday.

  45. 45.

    YellowJournalism

    Not only have I done something very similar, I can beat top it! About two months ago I managed to trip and fall into my sons’ train table (miraculously not breaking it), step into a clar storage box and slide two feet before falling on my ass the very next day, and twist my ankle by stepping into an ice puddle the day after that! Three falls in three days. Needless to say, my back is FUCKED, and all the back pain triggers my severe anxiety. Good thing my pride disappeared over my many clumsy years.

  46. 46.

    Yutsano

    @Genine:

    Your body’s going to look like something by Picasso by the time you’re 80.

    At the rate he’s going he should consider himself lucky if he’s not a Jackson Pollock.

  47. 47.

    jl

    @? Martin:
    @Laur:

    Community college option might be good for lower division courses, sometimes as good or better as what you get in huge UC lecture halls.

    If UC totally out of reach even with better aid package, check out reputation of some local community colleges and ask for stats on how well their transfer students do at selective universities. They should be able to give you info.

    And check coursework to make sure it can be transferred, which you should be able to look up easily.

  48. 48.

    Liquid

    Sweet Jeebus, I hope it was a 360/robe comes off/hit the deck/bent wookiee/old lady x sues you for indecent exposure.

  49. 49.

    rajH

    My thought, approximately 4.2 seconds after I read this:
    “But wait, didn’t he drive a tank? ”

    P.S. A hi to the BJ community – you guys seem like a fun crowd. I’m a longtime lurker, but I haven’t spoken here before. (I’m more of a listener online.)

  50. 50.

    rajH

    I second the padding suggestion, and I’ll also throw in Full Monty-style rip-off clothes to prevent future such face-plants.

    I bet bathrobe manufacturers could never come up with this one if they were trying to compile a list of we’re-not-responsible-if-this-happens things. Truth is indeed stranger than fiction sometimes.

    P.S. John, this post should be tagged with “Wardrobe Malfunction” in addition to (or instead of) “Clown Shoes”.

  51. 51.

    Yutsano

    @rajH: Welcome to the madhouse! Complimentary gimlets are to your right, and don’t forget to leave a rather generous tip so His Lord and Tunchness can be kept in the ahi to which he has become accustomed.

  53. 53.

    rajH

    Thanks for the welcome, Yutsano! The gimlets were a nice touch, I like your welcome basket :).

    I’m curious if “ahi” is also a metaphor for something (like luxury). Wikipedia’s disambiguation page didn’t point to anything in that direction.

    @Omnibus: Fair point. But I was more worried for the civilians in the John-drives-a-tank scenario :).

  55. 55.

    Joey Maloney

    You’re nothing special, man. I have torn my finger badly enough to require stitches, setting, splint, and PT by snagging my spoon ring on a door latch as I walked past. That finger still has a funny crook to it.

  57. 57.

    Another Halocene Human

    I can relate. I was tired one day coming off of work, perched on my bike but moving it with my feet on the pavement, didn’t get the kickstand up properly and went DOWN.

  58. 58.

    bago

    @Another Halocene Human: I have had a few epic bike crashes in my days. Sometimes into the juniper bushes, sometimes gouging out a kneecap, but the best ones involved no injury at all. My brakes failed in a bmx race and I catapulted off of a curb into a field, landing so hard that I skidded to a stop with the handlegrips in my hands and the bike five feet behind me.
    The other memorable wreck was when something happened and the bike flew out from under me, but the pedaling motion seamlessly transitioned into running. It was like an epic dismount, with bikes bouncing in the background. It felt unfair.

  59. 59.

    geg6

    @? Martin:

    This thread is probably dead, so neither you or Laur will likely see this, but this is not quite right. This is what I do for a living so I’m a bit of a stickler about it.

    If they haven’t completed a FAFSA yet, do it IMMEDIATELY. The student will automatically get the maximum Stafford Loan for a freshman. That’s $5500, which will be either partly subsidized (no interest while in school and low interest in repayment, currently 3.4%) and unsubsidized (interest begins at disbursement and is 6.8%). I do not ever recommend capitalizing the interest on this loan, ever. It will exponenially increase the cost of the loan for the life of the loan. The student should get a job and pay the interest every three months and her student debt will be minimized. Then the parents should get the PLUS, which is now a direct loan from the USDE. Normally, these loans must start being paid immediately after disbursement, but you can request deferring the principal until after graduation and just pay the interest, which is 7.9%. Parents can borrow the entire cost of attendance minus any aid the student receives, but I don’t recommend doing that because the COA includes much more than direct costs (tuition, fees, room and board). Parents shouldn’t borrow for travel expenses and personal expenses. I’m sure no one wants to pay interest on the pizza and bowling the student had with her friends one weekend. Books are also in COA and it’s fine to borrow for those, but they should find lower cost options than buying if they can. We have a book rental program and many texts are now in e-book format. Both are much less expensive than buying the books from the bookstore, even used books they sell. Anyway, I tell parents to determine what the balance on the fall bill is, double that so you borrow for the whole academic year, add in whatever the school estimates the cost of books if they are going to finance the books. Then add the 4% origination fee and then you have what you should borrow. The online application process takes only about seven to ten days, so waiting for the bill is no problem.

    And for whomever was bitching about the award packages being hard to read, that is not true any more (thanks Obama!). Any school receiving Title IV funding (federal student aid) is now required to use a format created by the USDE that sets out in detail all aid, all aid that you might have to apply for (aPLUS estimate), direct costs and indirect costs. We must also show our default rates and average debt at graduation.

    Laur’s niece should contact the aid office and see if they can come up with some gift aid to help. This year, my university and my campus made a major commitment to provide scholarships for freshman. Currently, of the incoming freshmen at my campus, about 80% have at least a two-year scholarship. Granted, we get a lot of high performing students at PSU, but so does Berkley, so I’m sure they have some cash laying around for a good student who really wants to be there.

  60. 60.

    Redshirt

    Also, for the record: Cole does not wear a robe while going down to a public hotel lobby, drunk, in his boxers, but does wear a robe going out in in his own back yard, sober.

    Interesting.

  61. 61.

    RSA

    Last week, in the new library on campus, I tried to walk through a glass wall. The bump on my forehead swelled so alarmingly that the staff called in the paramedics to look me over. Today I still have two black eyes.

  62. 62.

    Grumpy Code Monkey

    Some years ago I was putting a curtain rod up in the bedroom. I had one of those ladders that bend in multiple places, making a platform that I could stand on. I put a length of 2×10 across it so I didn’t have to stand on the rungs. Critically, I didn’t secure it to the ladder, and the ends each hung several inches out in open air.

    Well, after a few close calls, I finally put my foot in the wrong place, the board pitched over, and I wound up breaking my fall with my left wrist, which promptly bent in an unnatural direction. I wound up needing pretty extensive surgery to put it back together, but the guy who did it was amazing, and I still have something like 95% of the range of motion in that wrist that I did before the accident.

    A couple if years later I was digging some holes with a power auger and it got away from me, thwacking the back of my right hand hard enough to break the metacarpal for the ring finger. That didn’t heal so well, and now I have a distinct bump on the back of my hand.

    It’s not quite knocking myself unconscious while mopping the bathroom (naked), but I am quite capable of putting myself in the hospital by doing common household chores.

    There’s a reason I’m in software.

  63. 63.

    rajH

    @geg6 above is exactly what I meant earlier when I meant (but didn’t say explicitly) that this blog community feels like home to me: people who may not know someone well enough to even know their contact info, but who care enough about them nevertheless to compose a lengthy post on the off chance that they might read it.

    @Yutsano, thanks much for the introduction to cat-think and cat-speak (or at least lolcat-speak). I think I might love you a little bit, don’t be alarmed :).

  64. 64.

    rajH

    John (or any of the front-pagers), if you’re reading, could you please convey geg6’s message above to ? Martin and/or Laur? Thanks.

  67. 67.

    pat

    Last night I opened up the screen porch for the first time this year. Then I sat down in one of the directors chairs (remember them, from the 70’s) and after a while I think I wanted to lean back and put my feet up on the table and the chair tipped back and fell over and I landed square on my backside.

    Today I find I need all those muscles when I bend down. And I had so much planned for this weekend….

    Sigh.

  68. 68.

    Rafer Janders

    I’ll be heartbroken when John eventually dies, but, on the other hand, the description of exactly how he died is going to result in a pretty fucking hilarious obituary…..

  69. 69.

    S. cerevisiae

    Nothing about the NFL draft John? You guys got Markus Wheaton who will make you forget about Wallace.

    My Vikings did great so I’m not as bummed about it as I could have been but mark my words he is a good one.

  71. 71.

    Ann Marie

    John, have you ever heard the song “Dear Boss” by Robbie O’Connell and the Clancy Brothers? You may be related to the guy in that song.

  73. 73.

    JadedOptimist

    @reality-based: I haven’t slammed my hand with a car door like that, but once as I was helping set up for a conference I was being all efficient unloading boxes of registration materials and commemorative t-shirts and the like out of the back of my hatchback. One last check to make sure everything was out, while reaching up to shut the hatch. On my head. Spent way too much time over the next few days explaining the peculiar pattern of bruises on my forehead…

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