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You are here: Home / Summer Cannibals

Summer Cannibals

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The cauldron was bubbling, the flesh was lean:

Starving residents of the first permanent US settlement consumed one another to survive, according to a new analysis of recently unearthed bones by anthropologists at the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History.

Why are government bureaucrats wasting taxpayer money sullying the reputation of noble white immigrants when they could be digging up dirt on terrorist Muslims and/or job-stealing Mexicans?

Reader Interactions

55Comments

  1. 1.

    Baud

    I just want the community here to know that, if I had to, I would eat each and every one of you.

  5. 5.

    Schlemizel

    Just another attack on the most oppressed majority – white Christian men!

    Seriously, I read that one of the researchers concerns is that “some groups of people” will not want to believe the evidence because it does not fit their beliefs of these early settlers.

  6. 6.

    Schlemizel

    one click – two posts only one of them can I edit. I have nothing more to add

  7. 7.

    Boudica

    We started the country by eating each other and we’ll end it that way…..

  9. 9.

    ericblair

    @Redshirt:

    CROATOAN

    See, that’s just a misspelling of CROUTONS, which they needed for the long pig stuffing. But they never got their croutons, or their nice fancy mustard with the seeds in it, or a good Pinot Grigio to wash it all down. Well, it would have worked out better if they didn’t eat the guy who could spell.

  10. 10.

    jibeaux

    On the topic of the Smithsonian, you should all become members. It’s a whopping $12 a year and includes a really good monthly magazine on all sorts of arts & sciences topics, and if you ever go to the museums (IMAX shows, e.g.) or order from the gift store, etc., there’s a discount. I’m not paid to pitch Smithsonian or anything, I just got the magazine the other day and am waxing rhapsodic on what a bahgain it is.

  11. 11.

    c u n d gulag

    GOP POV:
    The Native Americans must have said to themselves, “Well, this is what we get for having loose immigration laws. Next thing, they’ll be wanting to take our land, and eat us! We need them to ‘self-deport!'”

    But, by then, it was too late.

  12. 12.

    Suzanne

    Did they eat each other after they had died of natural causes, or did they kill each other first?

  13. 13.

    MikeJ

    @Suzanne: That really is the crux of the biscuit. I have no problem with not wasting meat, but for the most part I tend to frown upon murder.

  14. 14.

    Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism

    @MikeJ: In another article, one of the researchers said that the angle of the head strikes suggests that she wasn’t alive when they were made. That doesn’t exclude death from soft tissue trauma, of course.

  16. 16.

    Neddie Jingo

    @Suzanne:

    Did they eat each other after they had died of natural causes, or did they kill each other first?

    The Times article is more informative:

    It is unclear how the girl died, but she was almost certainly dead and buried before her remains were butchered.

    Emphasis mine. They probably went for her brain because, being encased in bone, it was less, er, mushy.

    More from the Times:

    Isotopes in her bones indicate that she had eaten a high-protein diet, so she was probably not a maidservant but the daughter of a gentleman.

    So yeah. Ponder that. Eat the rich, indeed.

    Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

  17. 17.

    Neddie Jingo

    @ericblair:

    See, that’s just a misspelling of CROUTONS

    Snork. Splort. [Suppressed sinovial glort. Facial reddening at a steadily failing attempt to suppress socially unacceptable laughter] HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahaha!

    Wrong doomed colony, but v. amusing.

  22. 22.

    Punchy

    I dont understand why this must have been nessy. Largely virgin land didn’t yield a ton of wild animals to eat? Or were they unable to kill a deer without a fully-auto AK-47 and bathing in stag piss?

  23. 23.

    Joey Maloney

    @Punchy: On the off-chance that’s a serious question, it was a) winter after b) crop failures because c) they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

  25. 25.

    Todd

    The FReaks are apoplectic, and accusing the researchers of not being real scientists. Everybody knows that a real scientist inherently understands the racial and cultural superiority of Northern and Western Europeans (British included), and wouldn’t dream of anything that might indicate failure.

  26. 26.

    Neddie Jingo

    @Punchy:

    Largely virgin land didn’t yield a ton of wild animals to eat? Or were they unable to kill a deer without a fully-auto AK-47 and bathing in stag piss?

    Also, they treated the Powhatans like their own personal servants until the Pow.s decided they’d had enough of the WATBs. Again, from the much more informative Times article:

    In mid-August, six of the ships eventually reached Jamestown. But their arrival, with little food and many extra mouths, did not bring relief or comfort. The settlers’ insistent demands for food antagonized the Powhatan Indians, who at first had welcomed and provisioned them. In October or early November, with about 300 colonists crowded into the narrow confines of the James fort, the Powhatans launched a full-scale attack and siege, cutting off any hope of outside relief.
    _
    People began eating leather from their clothes and boots and killing their horses, cats and dogs. Those who ventured into the woods in search of roots were killed by Indians.

    “…Insistent demands for food antagonized…” Yeah. I can see that.

  28. 28.

    Dead Ernest

    The cauldron was bubbling, the flesh was lean:
    …brown eyed women in red grenadine*

    *with apologies to Hunter and Garcia.

  29. 29.

    Biff Longbotham

    This news story: One of the many reasons I proudly tell people that I am 1st generation born American and that they can keep all that happy ‘founding fathers’ worship to themselves. My ancestors were smiting Moors and keeping serfs in their place.

  30. 30.

    Librarian

    I wonder if Bernard Bailyn knew this while he was writing his latest book.

  31. 31.

    Morzer

    @ericblair:

    Pinot Grigio? What sort of liberal scum are you? The trueborn American consumes his cannibal cuisine with Budweiser!

  32. 32.

    Morzer

    @Neddie Jingo:

    So, in essence, America Fuck Yeah was born when white looters and moochers got a Fuck You from the Noble Randian Savages who went Galt on them?

  36. 36.

    Morzer

    @Biff Longbotham:

    Just don’t blame me when the men in tall floppy white hats knock on your door to assess your protein content. I’d hate to see you turned into Biff jerky because of your liberal elitist alcohol choices.

  37. 37.

    flukebucket

    @Schlemizel:

    Just another attack on the most oppressed majority – white Christian men!

    Damn straight! Did you see what the Jets did to Tebow? Being a white Christian male in America is a dangerous curse.

  38. 38.

    Morzer

    @flukebucket:

    Funnily enough, the white male conservative Christian NFL fans on the boards I frequent are alleging that this is “literally” another case of the persecution of Christians.

    The fact that Tebow is, at best, a mediocre QB.. well, who are we to bring facts into their hot little circle of martyrdom and grievances?

  39. 39.

    Biff Longbotham

    @Morzer:

    liberal elitist

    That’s the nicest thing anyone has said about me in a long time! Accepted proudly.

  42. 42.

    Feudalism Now!

    Good food, good meat, good God let’s eat!
    The prions make it taste better. Cannibalism was much easier before Mad Cow Disease. Now you have to cook all the flavor out of long pig. I’ve said too much.
    Here’s a little lesson for all you doomsday preppers out there. Hanging out in the Citadel, once you run out of your freeze dried food and winter is upon you, do you have the cojones to dig up your dead daughter and eat her?

  43. 43.

    Gus

    @Morzer: Right, because football is known for its anti-Christian bias. Football teams overlook any number of legal indiscretions as long as they believe a player can play: wife beating, drunk driving, running a dog fighting ring, fer Chrissakes. But being a Christian is beyond the pale. What universe are these people living in?

  44. 44.

    Cassidy

    @Morzer: Try living in Jacksonville. These people are appalled, and I mean just beside themselves, that a good closeted homosexual Christian man like Tim Tebow isn’t being snapped up by his hometown team. No one wants to hear “hey, he sucks as an NFL QB”.

    Buy all accounts, though, from people I know who interacted with hima nd went to school with him, he is a nice guy. His parents strike me as the nouveau riche shitheads, but he isn’t exactly like them.

  45. 45.

    Morzer

    @Cassidy:

    I am not being personal here, but nothing on God’s good earth would persuade me to move to Jacksonville. Plus, I really like Somerville in its slightly bumbling liberal do-gooder way.

    There was some ridiculous yapping and yowling from the NFL wingnut brigade about how Christians were being persecuted everywhere – and yet, they couldn’t name anything in the US along those lines other than the fact that lots of people don’t agree with their views exactly.

  46. 46.

    Morzer

    @Gus:

    They live in a universe in which failure to agree with their views is intolerance and persecution. I got pretty close to being banned from one forum for pointing this out. Such howls of rage!

  47. 47.

    Cassidy

    @Morzer: This was not my first choice of places to come back to after leaving the Army, but oh well, here I am. It got unecessarily complicated.

    I had a friend from HS get all hissy fitted and de-friendy when she posted some dumb shit about why it was okay to pray in a mosque, but Tebow tebowing was ridicule worthy. This was at the same time as theGround Zero Mosque OMG! hoopla. I politely reminded her of current events making her point complete bullshit and that Tebow tebows when the gatorade is mixed right so of course it’s worthy of mocking, and lastly that I don’t think she’d be very supportive of public displays of religion if a wide receiver yelled “Yay Satan” after every touchdown. Completely unappreciated.

  48. 48.

    Origuy

    Most of the first wave of settlers at Jamestown were gentlemen or tradesmen who, as Joey Maloney said, didn’t know what they were doing when it came to working the land. They thought they could get what they needed by trading with the Indians. Also, they were thinking about fighting off the Spanish, so Jamestown was defensible, but too swampy for agriculture.

  49. 49.

    PeakVT

    @Origuy: So, Jamestown had too many rentiers and defense contractors is what you’re saying. Sounds familiar.

  50. 50.

    Morzer

    @Cassidy:

    I bet it wasn’t appreciated. I discovered that rational, fact-based argument enraged my little local section of NFL bigots immensely. By the time we were done they were screaming about their words being twisted to make them appear like bigots. Which, of course, none of them were because they were just giving their opinions which was totally not the same thing as stating facts. At that point I reminded them that opinions had consequences and that Hitler had some fact-free opinions about Jews that didn’t work out too well. I think it’s fair to say that I have reached persona non grata status with those people for good. If I had only attended more Nascar races and used the bully pulpit more….

  52. 52.

    Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism

    I’m having a craving to play Colonization again. *wanders off in search of disc*

  55. 55.

    Wally Ballou

    Misread the title as “Summer Cannabis”, got all excited, then a big letdown. Phooey.

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