Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Their boy Ron is an empty plastic cup that will never know pudding.

Marge, god is saying you’re stupid.

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

Jack Smith: “Why did you start campaigning in the middle of my investigation?!”

We are aware of all internet traditions.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

You don’t get to peddle hatred on saturday and offer condolences on sunday.

Let the trolls come, and then ignore them. that’s the worst thing you can do to a troll.

Hey hey, RFK, how many kids did you kill today?

T R E 4 5 O N

You know it’s bad when the Project 2025 people have to create training videos on “How To Be Normal”.

Donald Trump found guilty as fuck – May 30, 2024!

When I was faster i was always behind.

Come on, man.

Republicans: slavery is when you own me. freedom is when I own you.

“Loving your country does not mean lying about it’s history.”

After dobbs, women are no longer free.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

If senate republicans had any shame, they’d die of it.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the gop

The Giant Orange Man Baby is having a bad day.

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Reader Interactions

110Comments

  3. 3.

    CaseyL

    I knew Bosch was having a major episode of depression – she’d pop up every now and then on twitter or tumblr – and am very relieved to see she’s able to post again, for now. I hope she can keep at it.

  4. 4.

    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn

    PSA, indeed! I can’t read it at work (blogspot is filtered). But I can’t wait to read it this evening.

    Allie is such a talented writer/illustrator. I’ve been sad that she hasn’t/couldn’t keep up her work.

  6. 6.

    Spiffy McBang

    We hope she’s back. Right now this is essentially an explanation of what’s been going on. Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think she said anything about resuming any sort of further posting yet.

    It’s a great piece, though.

  8. 8.

    PaulW

    Yes. That is exactly right.

    That is exactly how someone in a depressive funk feels (or can’t feel, which is more horrifying when you’re smart enough to be aware of that fact).

    I’ve never been able to express to my brother or to anyone in my family just what it was… is I cope with when I’m depressed. I want to show this to them. The only thing I worry is that my brother won’t get it. :/

  9. 9.

    R-Jud

    I was so thrilled yesterday when the heads-up post appeared in my FB feed.

    I’ve been dealing with depression myself recently. Her extended analogy about the dead fish in the new post is so on the money.

  10. 10.

    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn

    Also, as well, in keeping with the spirit of humor PSAs, the season finale of Community is tonight. Despite a few clunkers this season (albeit, every season has had those), I’ve not been disappointed with the post-Harmon iteration, and the show’s really picked up steam over the previous two eps. I hear it’s a cliff-hanger, though, so no tidying up of things in case it’s not renewed like last season’s ender.

    Community and Arrested Development are two of the greatest comedies to ever grace the ol’ boob tube.

  12. 12.

    Karen in GA

    I only discovered her blog a few months ago after wondering where that “X all the Y” meme came from. She’s brilliant.

    And yeah, that’s depression, all right.

  13. 13.

    jibeaux

    It was good because it shows how much non-depressed people can’t relate, as in we probably shouldn’t even call it “depression”. It’s not like some longer-lasting version of having a crummy day. There was something I read once about experimental brain surgery — it might have been Atul Gawande, I don’t read any esoteric medical journals or anything — for cases of severe depression. They actually managed to keep the subjects conscious for the surgery so that they could ask if what they were doing made a difference. I know, inevitable flashback to Hannibal. But this woman who had it done said it was like a light switch — she suddenly felt love, she felt the light in the room get brighter, she felt cared about, etc. It was very interesting and if anyone knows what I’m talking about let me know.

  15. 15.

    gene108

    It is a very good piece and very well written and the art-work is perfect for it.

    I have one quibble with his assertion:

    And that’s the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn’t always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn’t even something — it’s nothing.

    being the worst thing about depression.

    Having a major clinical depression that winds up making you actively psychotic is worse than not feeling anything at all.

    Really kicks the shit out of your self confidence, when you spend several weeks making decisions based on random associations from various hallucinations (audio only in my case).

  16. 16.

    jibeaux

    @jibeaux: I should add that they had the room set up so that the person was conscious but could not see or feel what was being done, to avoid any placebo effect type problems with the research. So the doctors did something to her brain but she wouldn’t have been able to see the instant they did anything, but she reacted immediately.

  18. 18.

    A Humble Lurker

    An incredibly executed presentation of depression. It’s so hard to explain to non-depressed people. What’s worse than feeling shitty is when you try to explain it to people and they don’t get it and you end up just thinking it’s your fault or your stupid or something as well as feeling shitty.

    But, it sounds like she has been or is in the process of getting better, so that’s good. And your not in the worst place if you can talk about it. So here’s hoping for better days for the lovely and hilarious Ms. Brosch.

  20. 20.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    Whoa. An eye-opener.

    @burnspbesq: A woman whose entire body of work is about what a deranged weirdo she is, and has been since she was a child, succumbs to depression. I know. Who could have guessed this could happen?

  22. 22.

    Booger

    Funniest, most moving thing i’ve seen in months. Welcome back, Allie. You’ve been missed, fer sher.

  23. 23.

    YoohooCthulhu

    that’s depression, all right

    And that’s why the post is really fantastic. Everyone wants to think depression is just sadness…but when you think about what’s going on in your brain (neurotransmitter activity goes down) it’s really depression in the sense of “depressed mental activity”. The normal processes that make life interesting or compelling just sort of go away and you start living on autopilot in kind of a hopeless unsatisfying way.

    At any rate, its’ one of the most accurate descriptions of what depression feels like that I’ve ever read.

  24. 24.

    aimai

    I just lost a dear friend to depression and suicide. I was incredibly moved by the linked post. Thank you so much for putting it up. I learned more reading that blog post than in any discussion I’ve had with anyone in real life.

  25. 25.

    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn

    @jibeaux: I’m commenting without being able to read Allie’s post, but I’ve heard depression described as how your brain reacts when the body’s sick (cold, flu, etc.), and during that time you’re not interested in much of anything.

    I went through not one, but two bouts during my two years of involuntary unemployment. It wasn’t because I was feeling glum that I’d never find a job — I knew plenty of people were in the same situation, and we were able to keep things afloat, financially. I believe it was the lack of intaraction with people, with society. Sitting on the couch, filing employment app after employment app with the tv on in the background is a neurologically underwhelming experience. In both instances, trial and error with SSRI’s kick-started my brain, but it was rough the first time, and downright ugley the second. Those meds are not to be trifled with.

  26. 26.

    JoyfulA

    I decided to kill myself but not until after I’d done some cleaning so no one would criticize me for a messy house after I was dead. For weeks, I thought about cleaning, but I was too tired, and I just went back to sleep again. (I think that this is the point where someone started on an antidepressant is prone to suicide: still wanting to be dead and out of it but recovering to the point of having the energy to carry out a plan.) Eventually, I came out of it, but it was a bad six months.

  27. 27.

    R-Jud

    @gene108:

    Having a major clinical depression that winds up making you actively psychotic is worse than not feeling anything at all.

    That does sound awful. But I don’t see why it’s a failing of her piece that she didn’t make that statement, because that’s not what her depression is like. She’s explaining her lived experience.

  28. 28.

    dance around in your bones

    Allie can make even depression seem funny (which it is NOT) but her description of people trying to jolly you out of your no feelings:

    The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face.

    made me crack up. As well as the lonely little piece of corn under the fridge.

    I guess you never know what it will take to break the cycle. I just know it will never be okra, ’cause I hate that stuff.

  29. 29.

    gene108

    @R-Jud:

    From my personal experience, there’s a level of depression worse than what she’s experiencing.

    That’s all.

    Her piece is very, very good and I’m glad it’s getting attention.

  30. 30.

    The Snarxist Formerly Known as Kryptik

    @SatanicPanic:

    Honestly, the way I relate to her terrifies me.

    Mostly because I’ve always done this weird arm-chair self-psychoanalysis but seeing it put to picture and said so eloquently convinces me that I probably need to see someone myself.

  31. 31.

    Monkeyfister

    Wonderful news.

    And damn, that post is MUST READ for the entire fucking world. Incredible.

  32. 32.

    Trollhattan

    @aimai:

    Very sorry about your friend. Lost a BIL to depression and suicide, only nobody in the family seemed to know about his troubles, making it an unfathomable shock.

    Allie can communicate on a unique level I seldom see elsewhere. I hope she can triumph over her demons (Churchill’s “black dog”).

  33. 33.

    TooManyJens

    @dance around in your bones:

    Allie can make even depression seem funny (which it is NOT)

    That’s what I liked about it. Depression isn’t funny, but it can be absurd. I know that when I’m healthy, I somtimes look back at the nonsensical things I’ve believed while depressed and just shake my head.

    And the random emotions: “Why are you crying?” “I don’t know. It’s just something that’s happening.” So true. Last time I went through it, I told my husband it was like I had the emotional flu. My emotions just had nothing whatsoever to do with anything that was happening.

  35. 35.

    Persia

    @Louise: Seriously.

    “When I say that deciding to not kill myself was the worst part, I should clarify that I don’t mean it in a retrospective sense. From where I am now, it seems like a solid enough decision. But at the time, it felt like I had been dragging myself through the most miserable, endless wasteland, and — far in the distance — I had seen the promising glimmer of a slightly less miserable wasteland. And for just a moment, I thought maybe I’d be able to stop and rest. But as soon as I arrived at the border of the less miserable wasteland, I found out that I’d have to turn around and walk back the other way. ”

    That is just. It. Exactly.

  36. 36.

    TooManyJens

    @JoyfulA: I’m glad you came out of it. And glad that you were fastidious enough to let the messy house delay you in your plans. :)

    As far as I’ve read, you’re right about why suicide is a risk for some people starting on antidepressants — they get enough energy back to act on the thoughts they’ve had for a long time.

  37. 37.

    dance around in your bones

    @TooManyJens:

    That’s what I liked about it. Depression isn’t funny, but it can be absurd.

    Once you are out if it, yeah. Just being able to cry is a kind of step forward. I also liked her descriptions of trying to put on the right face for reacting to people “Is THIS the right one?”

    @schrodinger’s cat: My mom always breaded it and fried it, which to me tasted like deep-fried snot. I used to have to sit at the table until I had “finished my okra” which was only accomplished with a lot of gagging and spitting it out in my napkin, to be disposed of later, in secret.

    It’s a deep childhood trauma that I will never get over. Oh, and I hate oysters, too – swallow a big gag of snot with some tasty dressings? No thanks.

    I do love sushi, though. Go figure.

  41. 41.

    raven

    Shit, I have a friend who is in a crumbling marriage and I sent it to her. I can’t take it back. Shit.

  43. 43.

    Spaghetti Lee

    It makes me think that whatever I have isn’t depression, or at least not as severe. I’ve never been in as bad a state as that. Glad she’s feeling better.

  44. 44.

    raven

    Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness by Styron helped me understand what my ex was going through when she hit the wall. So did King of Bohemia by Richard Thompson.

    Let me rock you in my arms
    I’ll hold you safe and small
    A refugee from the seraphim
    In your rich-girl rags and all

    Did your dreams die young, were they too hard won
    Did you reach too high and fall
    And there is no rest for the ones God blessed
    And he blessed you best of all

    Your eyes seem from a different face
    They’ve seen that much that soon
    Your cheek too cold, too pale to shine
    Like an old and waning moon

    And there is no peace, no true release
    No secret place to crawl
    And there is no rest for the ones God blessed
    And he blessed you best of all

    If tears unshed could heal your heart
    If words unsaid could sway
    Then watch you melt into the night
    Adieu, and rue the day

    Did your dreams die young, were they too hard won
    Did you reach too high and fall
    And there is no rest for the ones God blessed
    And he blessed you best of al

  47. 47.

    dance around in your bones

    @schrodinger’s cat: I appreciate your advice, but me and okra are just done.

    In this lifetime, anyway.

    @rec: I agree – the two posts taken together are illuminating. I went to her site the other day when R-Jud gave us the heads up about Allie’s imminent return, and remembered reading that post a year and a half ago, then nothing.I figured the “black dog” had taken up residence.

    I think I’ll send these links to ALL my depressed friends, so I won’t be pointing any positive happy sprinklers directly in their faces.

  51. 51.

    gene108

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    It makes me think that whatever I have isn’t depression, or at least not as severe. I’ve never been in as bad a state as that. Glad she’s feeling better.

    Depression isn’t always constant. It can come in episodes, with each one getting progressively worse.

    The depressive episodes I had when I was in my late teens to early 20’s weren’t as bad as what she wrote about, but I was in college and the routine of work/school kept the really crazy voices out of my head.

    After I graduated, I started to get suicidal, because I was depressed already and didn’t have any thing to distract me.

    Please note, I was never diagnosed at this point or sought treatment. I kind of knew something wasn’t right, but I thought I should be “tough enough” to snap out of it.

    I have a cousin, who runs a business. He offered me a job, as I wasn’t able to get one on my own.

    It was enough of a move/distraction to snap me out of some of the problems I had had and wasn’t clinically depressed in my mid-20’s, though I still didn’t get diagnosed or seek treatment.

    I had another episode in my late-20’s, which is when I went psychotic and tried killing myself.

    After surviving, that’s when I decided I needed treatment.

    If you are depressed and in treatment that’s good. Keep going and keep working on it.

    Also, never tell yourself what you have “isn’t that bad”, because if it is giving you problems it is bad and you need to make sure you get the help you need.

  52. 52.

    TooManyJens

    @Spaghetti Lee: From what I recall you saying yesterday, you’re feeling quite bad enough. Like Persia said, it’s worth seeing somebody if you feel bad and want to feel better; there’s no “you must be this depressed to ride” sign outside the therapist’s door.

  53. 53.

    scav

    @SatanicPanic: Depends utterly so much on the person you’re dealing with. Everyone’s got slightly different beasts it seems, despite the general rhyming themes. Most exhausting bit I dealt with was having to comfort / reassure / calm others driven to a sheer panic because someone else had called them in an alarm intervention after diagnosing me as suicidal based on cardboard stereotypes and not even asking me if I was or even how I was.. Depressed as hell, yes, have been more or less so for decades, a third my extended family usually is, and having enough to deal with on my own without being swamped by false alarms based on pop psychology readings. Having to deal with the fallout swamped me and pushed me back a few months and totally destroyed the friendship. They may have “meant well”, but they clearly hadn’t a clue about me as a individual and seemed to be interacting with an animated stereotype so I left them to it. Others might have benefited by or been comforted (maybe) by the expressed concern, even if wrongheaded and complicating. Hard to judge correctly.

  54. 54.

    R-Jud

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    It makes me think that whatever I have isn’t depression, or at least not as severe. I’ve never been in as bad a state as that. Glad she’s feeling better.

    I thought that too after I read the first post from 18 months ago. Then I burst into tears when I couldn’t find the ginger while making stir-fry and didn’t stop for four days.

    Your depression is your own, whether or not it involves voices, drinking, or cutting, or whether you call it “the beast” or the “Black Dog” or “Fucking Clyde” like I do. You don’t have to wait until it takes you out at the knees to do something about it.

  55. 55.

    dance around in your bones

    @Yatsuno:

    I watched a documentary called Jiro Dreams of Sushi on Netflix the other night and damn, did it make me hungry! I had the good fortune to be introduced to sushi in the 70’s by a foodie, and was hooked ever since.

    @raven: Since it is you, I might – just MIGHT – maybe be tempted, but it’s the sliminess that gets me. Maybe your okra isn’t slimy. I had a friend who felt the same way about avocados – would never eat them because of the texture. I think avocados are sublime! so, go figure.

  57. 57.

    Gracie

    @Spaghetti Lee: To add to what others have written, low to moderate depression can be very debilitating in the long term. I’ve suffered from dysthmia for almost 25 years (and I’ve survived three major depressive episodes in that time). I’ve been in treatment and it has helped.

    SO glad Allie’s posted again.

  60. 60.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    In case I came off like a heartless bastard, I should say the following: I’m glad she’s back. And she’s produced a real work of – well, I’m not sure if it should be called “art” or something else, but it’s a dead-on accurate and comprehensible telling of the experience of depression.

    But the woman has always struck me as deeply troubled.

  61. 61.

    catclub

    @scav: “dish in an Indian restaurant was a revelation”

    I learned that with creamed spinach. Just the name is enough to reject it, but in an Indian restaurant, delicious.

  62. 62.

    dance around in your bones

    @scav:

    Well, if anyone could make okra taste good to me, it would prepared Indian style. I ate a lot of it (not okra, just food) in India and it was always incredible (though once I had a lunch on an Indian train that was so damned hot ,I think I lost my taste buds for a day or two).

    ETA: Also, isn’t it amazing that Allie gets (at this count) over 3,252 comments on her site in ONE DAY? Her comment count is always impressive, but – dayum!

  64. 64.

    Scott S.

    Allie Brosh is a national treasure.

    And I’m seeing this shared a whole lot around Facebook today. It’d be cool if her popularity could help give more non-depressed people a glimpse into what it’s like to be depressed. I know her previous post on the subject was a huge eye-opener for me…

  65. 65.

    maurinsky

    I had an episode of depression once, which I didn’t think was that bad, but when I was in therapy a few years ago and told my therapist about it, he said it was very bad. I never felt like killing myself, certainly, I just didn’t do anything but sleep and have the barest, most minimal interaction with the world around me for about a year. I would wake up, take my daughter to school, go home and sleep until the alarm woke me up to pick her up from school, I would stay awake until my then husband came home from work, and then I would go back to bed to start the cycle all over again.

    I never felt that way before that happened, and I’ve never felt that way since it happened, and it just gradually ended and I got another job and everything seemed better and brighter and happier.

  67. 67.

    jibeaux

    Take fresh okra in season, slice it longwise, pan-fry in some olive oil and garlic until golden and crunchy, and salt lightly. Nothing easier, you can do it camping. If you don’t like it that way, there’s something wrong with you.

  68. 68.

    Amir Khalid

    @Forum Transmitted Disease:
    I doubt the lady herself would dispute that. For my part, I find personal accounts of depression like hers rather difficult to read — maybe because I recognise rather too vividly what is being described.

  69. 69.

    SatanicPanic

    Okra is gross. I’ve had it deep-fried and it wasn’t terrible, but I wouldn’t order it again. Slimy stuff doesn’t work for me. I’ll pass on the natto too.

  72. 72.

    raven

    OK, on this Benghazi shit. I understand that these dudes “on the ground” were deeply impacted. SO let’s round up every fucking GI who will tell you the exact moment their life changed forever, that they will never forget, because one of their friends died. Now we’ll go and chit chat with 100,000 Iraqi’s or so and see what we get there. Fuck these assholes.

  73. 73.

    dance around in your bones

    @SatanicPanic:

    Okra is gross. I’ve had it deep-fried and it wasn’t terrible, but I wouldn’t order it again. Slimy stuff doesn’t work for me. I’ll pass on the natto too.

    Hahahaha! That’s funny, because as much as I hate okra, I LOVE natto! Slimy, too! But the flavor is……sublime.

    I guess there’s something wrong with me :)

  74. 74.

    Amir Khalid

    I love okra. (It’s called “lady’s fingers” in Malaysian English, for some reason.) I’ve never found its sliminess objectionable. I have some for dinner almost every day.

  76. 76.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    So a thread ostensibly about an artist and her depression descends into the ever-present okra hate? A typical day on Balloon Juice, I’d say.

  78. 78.

    Hungry Joe

    Allie Brosh is brilliant and weird and weirdly brilliant. Her posts The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas and The Party damn near send me slithering to the floor in hysterical laughter every time I read them, and the only reason they don’t actually send me slithering to the floor in hysterical laughter when I read them now is because they sent me slithering to the floor in hysterical laughter the first eight times I read them and they’re starting to get old.

  80. 80.

    rikyrah

    @SatanicPanic:

    Okra is gross. I’ve had it deep-fried and it wasn’t terrible, but I wouldn’t order it again. Slimy stuff doesn’t work for me.

    Ok,

    regular okra is indeed gross and slimy and makes me ill, if by itself, cooked on a stove.

    I can take it only 3 ways:

    1. Fried
    2. Cut up into bite sized pieces in gumbo
    3. Frozen cut up pieces that you make sucatash with

  82. 82.

    Yatsuno

    @dance around in your bones: I love just about all Japanese food, but I can’t stand natto. I even took a Japanese friend’s advice and ate it with rice. Yuck.

    And I’m the opposite side of your weird. I actually like the slime of okra.

  83. 83.

    dance around in your bones

    @SatanicPanic: I’ll be your anti-slime buddy.

    To me, okra has no taste, but natto does. Smoky, nutty and weirdly compelling. But good! I always love seeing the sushi chef pull the slimy goo out of the natto container (yes, it makes no sense, but it is what it is).

    But then, I love masago and ikura and tobiko but can’t stand caviar (too salty). We all have our own taste buds (my oldest grandson calls then ‘taste bugs’).

  84. 84.

    Joy

    Thanks for the positive PSA. Allie is so talented and I love it was a shriveled piece of corn that finally made her laugh. It’s so Allie and only she can tell that story that way.

  85. 85.

    gene108

    @schrodinger’s cat:

    I also find her illustrations alarming and bit scary.

    I thought her illustrations were cute and funny and added a lively air to the piece…different strokes for different folks…

  86. 86.

    SatanicPanic

    @rikyrah: I’m probably just biased because my introduction to okra was thru Japanese food, and Japanese people appear much more comfortable with slimy vegetables than I am.

  87. 87.

    ruemara

    Having watched my now ex ruin his life and mine and still be needing my help to survive due to his depression, that he refuses to consider that he *may* have, I know it’s a beast. And I’d share the post with him, but for him, if he isn’t sobbing and suicidal, he’s not depressed. The fact that he won’t make moves to change his life, won’t absorb the impact he’s having on people around him and won’t comprehend that it’s not situational because of his unemployment, means that he can’t get help.

  89. 89.

    donnah

    I’m glad she’s back. She’s a genius and I’ve missed her.

    My favorite post ever by her, and maybe one of my favorite posts EVER is her story about moving and how her dogs reacted. I read it every now and then and I still roar with laughter. She is a brilliant writer. Go read it at her site.

  92. 92.

    Citizen_X

    I don’t know which triumphant panel I like best: the MAYBE EVERYTHING ISN’T HOPELESS BULLSHIT! one or “Not today, motherfucker. I’ve got legs!” one. Either way, brilliant work.

    And I have made my peace with okra.

  94. 94.

    maurinsky

    I am fond of the “I will make you happier to death!”

    She’s mentally ill, I don’t think of that as the same thing as being troubled.

    As far as her work is concerned, I will always and forever love her more accurate pain chart.

  95. 95.

    Mnemosyne

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    Technically, I “only” had dysthymia, which is a persistent low-grade depression. It was still enough to completely wreck any career path I tried to set out on and made me incapable of being in a romantic relationship. Even with “only” dysthymia, it took me 7 solid years of medication and therapy to be able to turn things around.

    So, no, there’s no such thing as “minor” depression that can be ignored.

  96. 96.

    Bighorn Ordovian Dolomite

    This is fantastic. And as somebody who has never been (to the best of my knowledge) depressed–but knows a few close friends who have, she describes why I don’t try to be a amateur therapist.

    I just don’t know what I am talking about, and my efforts no matter how well meaning, are likely counter productive. I have suggested professional assistance for a few people. That seems to have at least some chacne of success.

  97. 97.

    TooManyJens

    @Hungry Joe: One of the saddest things about this post is how, when she’s lying on the couch hating herself, Simple Dog is just looking at her thinking, “you’re so beautiful and good.”

  98. 98.

    Mnemosyne

    @maurinsky:

    She’s mentally ill, I don’t think of that as the same thing as being troubled.

    Agreed. I usually think of someone who’s “troubled” as someone who had a lot of really horrible things happen to them (abuse, etc.) and acts out because of it. AFAICT, she’s one of the many people (myself included) who has wacky brain chemistry that decides to go haywire on occasion. And the fact that there isn’t anything horrifically traumatic that happened to “justify” the depression only makes it that much harder to get a handle on it.

  99. 99.

    Anna in PDX

    Gosh that was kind of heavy. I am glad she is doing better. I am one of those well meaning people who has never felt this way at all. My sons (who are both in their 20s now) have both been depressed. One is taking meds and slowly learning how to be happy. The other one still seems like he is not OK to me, but it is very hard to get in his head. I hope she will continue to do better and am glad the corn made her laugh.

  100. 100.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ

    @PaulW:
    I’ve lived with depression my whole life and she is right on the money. I gave up on trying to get my family members to understand and I’m better off for it. My mother got so sick of trying to “happy talk” me out of it, she just started saying, “Why don’t you just choose to be happy?”

    My answer was always, “Because there’s no there there”. My poor benighted mother would emit an impossibly huge sigh from her tiny frame and make the “frustrated face”, pressing her lips together as if to hold in the words knocking against her teeth. I’ve been waiting my whole life for her to unleash her words and savage me. Never happened. Maybe it would have helped. Thank the FSM for modern pharmaceuticals otherwise I might have actually pushed my mother into rudeness.

    Good luck with your family and remember that there are millions of us out there who have gone through the same thing. I know that statement helps only if you are at a good stage and not in that big empty nowhere Allie describes so well. If you are anyone else reading this and you’re nowhere feeling nothing, reach out to a professional. You CAN learn to feel again.

  101. 101.

    gnomedad

    I don’t get how anyone thinks there was anything weird or scary about her work pre-depression. She excels at parodying human nature and the human condition (okay, the canine condition as well) and I found it all quite familiar. Or maybe I’m just as messed up as her. In either case I’m glad (I hope) she’s back. I’m viewing the fact that her site has a store now as a good sign.

  102. 102.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ

    @TooManyJens:

    That particular frame really struck me because it mirrored my life exactly when I was in my early 30’s. I’d just moved to Arizona and I was single, incredibly shy and a bit of a workaholic (I am one of those weirdly functional depressives, detached and trying my best to make the right faces to the right dialog).

    If I wasn’t at work I was laying around my house trying to sleep so I could avoid that internal narrative of self loathing. My dog, Maggie, a Chocolate Lab mix loved me so much that the Universe was too small to contain it. She was the only thing that motivated me to get up and do anything. She basically saved my life.

  103. 103.

    gnomedad

    (I think my post got splinched* while I was trying to edit it; my handle disappeared. (Okay, now it’s back.))

    I don’t get how anyone thinks there was anything weird or scary about her work pre-depression. She excels at parodying human nature and the human condition (okay, the canine condition as well) and I found it all quite familiar. Or maybe I’m just as messed up as her. In either case I’m glad (I hope) she’s back. I’m viewing the fact that her site has a store now as a good sign.

    I view her use of zillions of deliberately crude drawings mixed with brilliant prose as a new art form. Homes right in to my psyche, it does.

    * Potterism corrected

  104. 104.

    BethanyAnne

    I was so glad to see this on Twitter. I like her and the Bloggess lots, and they both endure depression.

    The best I’ve ever been able to describe it, is that it’s like life going slowly black and white. The emotional content just leeches out of everything. And, oddly, that can make me overly rational in some ways, especially when it’s not that bad. Pulling out the color makes it easier to see certain details. But the emotional content of life is, you know, the stuff that makes it worthwhile. So, while I get some increased insight in some areas, life just gets greyer and more boring.

  105. 105.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ

    @jibeaux: Yes! I do remember seeing that video (can’t remember what channel/show it was on, 60 Minutes? CNN?????) I remember thinking, if things got bad enough I would definitely consider doing it. A person would have to be truly desperate to want to have brain surgery but I’ve been in that pit and I can say, I have been that desperate in the past.

  106. 106.

    Violet

    Thanks for letting us know she’s back. She’s got such an uncanny ability to capture even the most difficult and heart-wrenching of subjects. An amazing post.

  107. 107.

    Jebediah

    @Ms. D. Ranged in AZ:

    she just started saying, “Why don’t you just choose to be happy?”

    I’ve been treated to versions of that. As if I had the option to be happy, but was just stubbornly refusing!

  109. 109.

    BethanyAnne

    @Mnemosyne:

    And the fact that there isn’t anything horrifically traumatic that happened to “justify” the depression only makes it that much harder to get a handle on it.

    Exactly. I’m so lucky in so many ways, and yet I have the temerity to obsess about suicide for months at a time.

    So much from this thread has resonated with my experiences. My cat was basically all that kept me alive for years. What Allie said about wanting to talk about suicide sometimes, but that’s a fucked up topic to talk with someone about. I got locked up after one attempt, and I’m leery as fuck of talking about it now. I do have one friend I can talk to about it, and he’s more help than he’ll ever know.

    The Bloggess says “Depression lies.” and I try to keep that in mind.

  110. 110.

    Mnemosyne

    @BethanyAnne:

    I’ve been very lucky — I’ve never had any suicidal ideation at all. There apparently is some current thinking that suicidal ideation is slightly separate from depression as an illness since some depressed people never have it and some non-depressed people get fixated on it.

    G read Kay Redfield Jamison’s Night Falls Fast after his best friend committed suicide and he said it helped him understand a little better what was going on with his friend in the weeks before he did it.

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