I hate you and your mother sucks and never loved you and I understand why. Jackasses.
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I hate you and your mother sucks and never loved you and I understand why. Jackasses.
Comments are closed.
Roger Moore
We love you, too, JGC. Now where’s our site update, and why haven’t you ditched the Newsmax crap yet?
Calming Influence
This site would be a lot more fun without your constant whining.
jackmac
And a Happy Mother’s Day to you, too.
YellowJournalism
What a thoughtful sentiment! You should really be working for Hallmark, John.
Chuck Butcher
Well, this is a lot of fun and all, but FYWP – just for good measure.
Calming Influence
My main complaint is the Tunch “FEED” is always way too small.
Amir Khalid
But, but … just yesterday, you said you were the jackass. I don’t understand.
dedc79
May the Senators sweep your evil hockey team.
cathyx
What a grouch. I think John’s mother took away the breast milk too early when he was an infant.
jon
Most. Misleading. Caption. Ever.
IowaOldLady
My son called me and sent me flowers. You can’t make me feel bad! I feel too good!
Liquid
Stop projecting!!1!
Baud
I think I like you better when your teams lose.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Amir Khalid: We Americans are a strange bunch, Amir.
Redshirt
That’s over the line, Cole.
NotMax
Should the need ever arise to change employ, scratch Fortune Cookie Writer off the list of potential positions now.
Howard Beale IV
Quite hiding behind your façade, and tell us how you REALLY FEEL.
gnomedad
@YellowJournalism:
That would be a great GBCW: “That’s it, I’m done with you people. I’m shutting down the blog and taking the
HallmarkPrecious Moments offer.”c u n d gulag
And a happy day to you, you “mother!” ;-)
He’s even SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much cuter when he gets even angrier!!!
p.a.
Water always reaches its proper level.
dance around in your bones
Shattered, shattered
Love and hope and sex and dreams
Are still surviving on the street
Look at me, I’m in tatters!
I am shattered
Shattered
Happy Mother’s Day Mrs. Cole!
Irish Steel
We need to get belieber/Derf up in this piece. Give you a taste of your own medicine, Cole.
Just Some Fuckhead
Another brief reminder: Stuck is still missing, douchebag.
lojasmo
I blame Glenn Greenwald. What a twat.
Scout211
Um, so I’m not sure what happened last night but I guess John is mad?
However, my mother died 10 years ago in assisted living after a long deterioration into Alzheimer’s dementia, so I have already been through it.
Telling me she hates me doesn’t even cut it after going through that.
But nice try.
PS. Did that bring out any guilt? No?
Oh well. True story though.
Redshirt
@Just Some Fuckhead: Where’s Dennis G.?
Buck
Yes, let the hate flow through you…
MomSense
Somehow Cole’s insults seem a lot less menacing in this new font.
Drunken hausfrau
I am loving the Alan Cummings Macbeth ads… Bloody awesome!
Time for mothers day cocktails… Scotch, I think.
Suzanne
Douche, party of one, your table is now available.
raven
Fuck Pat Lang
James E. Powell
I thought this blog had a strict “no talking about people’s moms” rule.
raven
@Scout211: This ain’t about you.
pat
And yet he can restrain himself in a checkout line behind some poor woman trying to pay with a variety of foodstamps.
Why are we so special?
R-Jud
I don’t even really like “Space Oddity” but I like that this astronaut covered it in space.
Hate you too, JC! ***hugzzzzzzz***
Comrade Mary
Hi guys! Just got back in from a late movie night with Le Guy and I’m wondering why everyone is fussing. I’ve only seen the (same) mobile site since last night and the main site doesn’t look different at all. Let me just hit Shift-Refresh.
OK, and …. HOLY TAPDANCING, COCKSUCKING MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO — oh, wow, serifs for the headers. I like that.
Carry on.
pat
Just ordered my mothers day present from B&H Photo. A rolling camera case that will take me and my tripod and my cameras and lenses into the woods to photograph the wildflowers, and also on to international flights. Oh, and a Canon 100mm macro lens for said wildflowers. W00t!!!
NotMax
@Drunken hausfrau
Somehow reminded of the worst game of Charades ever.
All the things to be acted out were written on slips of paper, thrown into a hat.
Which did yours truly pick?
“Macduff was from his mother’s womb untimely ripped.”
Redshift
I am done dealing with relatives for the day, and that’s a good thing. No complaints about Mom, but I would be happier if certain other relatives were not included in the day’s activities…
Calming Influence
God, you are just a reprehensible fuck. Every fucking bad son joke is based on you.
Yatsuno
@James E. Powell: When did this blog have rules? I just assumed it was all Calvinball.
Scout211
Uh yeah, I get that.
Sawgrass Stan
So, if Noosemax publishes a pic of Tunch with a click-thru, will they get their money back? What if clicks from BJ link to a pic of Tunch at NM and clicking on it gives money to Michelle Bachman? Maybe you should just look for webads from Cat Fancy or something, becaz wir 2 stewpid 2 figur it owt.
Calming Influence
@James E. Powell: Close. It has a strict “talking about people’s moms” rule.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Yatsuno: I always thought it more of a suggestion.
Suffern ACE
Why do I think these changes are just a set up to attract some woman named Daisy?
Svensker
Well, logic fail. If my mother sucked then I’m glad she never loved me anyway. Ha ha, so there, and poop on your head.
elmo
Fuck you, Cole. Not everyone is as fortunate as you, to have your parents still alive, and some of us are fucking grieving today and don’t need that shit. Normally I love you to death, including your irreverent humor, but if you were saying that shot to my face I’d break a bottle across your mouth.
Fuck you.
Redshift
@James E. Powell:
You’re thinking of Mom Club.
lojasmo
@elmo:
Sorry for your loss, dude.
As a nurse, I have the most fucked up take on death. Never experienced grief at the loss of my aunt, uncle, mom, or grandma.
I mourned at their funerals, but never experienced grief.
Weird stuff.
raven
@lojasmo: Maybe you know something a lot of other people don’t.
raven
Joe Biden says it well:
FlyingToaster
@Redshift:
Werd.
JC, dude, calm the fuck down. My mom doesn’t hate me anymore because she loves her grandaughter.
I have to stop drinking so I can wake up WarriorGirl from the sofa and make her practice the damn violin.
FlyingToaster +½
different-church-lady
I’m sensing the irony has leeched out of this most recent offering.
MikeJ
Cole? He’s a baaaaad mother….
Johnny Coelacanth
People who complain about advertisements on the internet are too stupid to install Adblock and thus may be ignored.
Johnny Coelacanth
@elmo: Your mom’s a
####. Sorry, don’t know what came over me. Must have been your pathetic emo.raven
@Johnny Coelacanth: Awright punk, fuck off.
Shortstop
Yeah, well, nobody’s mother has ever loved me as loudly as yours did last night, Cole!
Admittedly, this insult is less than effective being lobbed by a straight woman, but I gave it a try.
NotMax
@Johnny Coelacanth
NoScript, AdBlock Plus, Better Privacy and Ghostery.
The Four Horsemen of Firefox.
Yatsuno
@MikeJ: SHUT YO MOUTH!!
Oh and fuck you too JC, ya big lug. My mother’s a fucking saint who would kill for me.
jeffreyw
Flat Iron Fajitas
Just Some Fuckhead
Anyone seen Corner Stone? We were talking on the phone like we do every night when Golden Girls is on TVLand and he started wheezing and gasping and coughing. Then the line went dead. I think John may have choked him out with a strap-on.
LT
Yer pretty.
Scamp Dog
@jeffreyw: recipe or it didn’t happen!
raven
Why do spectators run to the ball hit out of bounds in golf?
Shortstop
@LT: That’s twice now, you sick fuck.
Just Some Fuckhead
@raven:
A better question is why do people watch grown men hit a little white ball around the woods?
raven
@Just Some Fuckhead: Um, because they want to.
raven
To watch Sergio hit the fucking ball in the water and lose to Tiger!
Nicole
It’s okay John- my mom has been gone almost 32 years, and I laughed at your post. I’d like to say that I would drink a toast in my mom’s honor today, but seeing as how her favorite drink was Riunite on ice (NOT KIDDING), there are limits to my daughterly devotion.
But, the grandson she never met sleeps with a latch hook panda pillow that she helped me make back when I was eight, and a sketch she made in high school of the statue of David hangs on my apartment wall, across from a crewel piece she made the year she died. I can cherish her and laugh at her at the same time now. Because Mom, Riunite? Really? I won’t even begin to go into what a bad cook she was (love you Mom, wherever you are, but you turned me off vegetables until I was in my 20s).
LT
@Shortstop: Yer pretty, too?
Mr Stagger Lee
@raven: My personal butt hurt with golf, is that any moron, sitting on his ass watching TV, can call up the PGA and report any cock-up a golfer makes. And there are jerk-offs who just lives to pull stuff like it.
raven
@Mr Stagger Lee: agreed
Just Some Fuckhead
@Nicole:
OMFG, people drank that?
Shortstop
@LT: hee. Still laughing at your comment in the other thread and Cole’s response.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@raven: Joe indeed puts it well. It’s always hard to believe it will come, but it does.
NotMax
@jeffreyw
Minor pet peeve.
The term fajita comes from and refers solely to skirt steak.
Menus calling chicken, pork, other cuts, etc., fajitas are culinary misdemeanors.
Funkula
*kissyface @ John*
Yatsuno
@jeffreyw: What’s the sauce on those? Looks intriguing.
La Caterina (Mrs. Johannes)
@jeffreyw: I think thread needs more kitteh to soothe us after Cole’s brief rant.
raven
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): At the reunion I went to Friday there was talk of buying a bottle for “the last man standing”. If I made it that might be a good time to go off the wagon.
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: Race of the Hoverrounds!!!
raven
@BillinGlendaleCA: I don’t know if it has always been done and I just noticed it or not?
Birthmarker
@Mr Stagger Lee: The fellow who reported Tiger was actually a former rules official or whatever you would call it. He knew the officials, so of course could reach them.You and me, not so much.
JC, I’ve been travelling so missed the drama. The site redesign? I don’t hate it. (I normally hate redesigns)
eemom
Meh, yer even a softier old softie than Fuckhead, ya big lug.
Mr Stagger Lee
I love the Choke Job Sergio Garcia is pulling.
LT
Sergio takes a SEVEN on the par 3 17.
Holy fuck, the dude just amde himself famous as a whiner and a choker.
Shortstop
I have to call my cracker stepmama-in-law, who is sure to bring up Jesus’s saving love and Obama’s Islamic communism in equal amounts.
But I am serene. Something wonderful happened today, besides the thing with Cole’s mom,
I mean, and I am immune to agitation.
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: Don’t know, I only watched golf once. I was waiting for my GF and there was lots of drinking involved(I was drinking for two since she didn’t drink).
raven
@Mr Stagger Lee: Ain’t it swell?
LT
@Shortstop: I had to go look – hadn’t seen the response!
I think Cole smelled a rat…
TS
@Roger Moore:
X99 – I stupidly read the newsmax report about why the markets are about to collapse – damn lies and statistics has nothing on that report. Now if they had written it early in 2008 …
LT
ARRRRG – tell me wht Sergio’s doing on 18!!!
Please!
raven
@LT: It doesn’t matter, he’s out of it.
LT
BWAAAAAH:
https://twitter.com/cjonesy10/status/333717669201190912
Southern Beale
Hmm … the font on the home page is … different.
raven
Tiger, thank you very much!
piratedan
what’s next? comic sans?
LT
@raven: Well yeah, but a guy can point and laugh.
Johnny Coelacanth
@raven: Whatever you say, Raving. “Wah, my mommy’s dead, trigger warning before you cast insults onto random strangers, wah.” Fuck that Care Bear noise. The woman who raised me and loved me was lost to Alzheimer’s over a decade ago and I haven’t spoken to my real mom in about five years. I have no patience for
people who want their balls fondled on the internet.whining.jeffreyw
@Scamp Dog: With bonus picture!
NotMax
Before I forget, classic Nichols & May mother sketch.
jeffreyw
@NotMax: noted, with appropriate laughter and pointing
Johnny Coelacanth
@jeffreyw: Dayum. Must be lunchtime.
jeffreyw
@La Caterina (Mrs. Johannes): Moar kitteh!
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
@NotMax: Interesting history, and why fajita no longer means just skirt steak.
ETA: Started to write something about the terms Google, coke, and kleenex as well.
Dave
@elmo: You seem to have an extraneous ‘l’ in your name.
jeffreyw
@Yatsuno: Sour cream, chipotle chili powder, crushed and minced garlic. (Actually is French onion dip.)
Ruckus
@Nicole:
Mine wasn’t too bad on most veg except for brussel sprouts. I was convinced that these were the most fowl food on the planet, unfit for any mammal to consume, no matter how hungry they are. Poison blobs of green on a stem. Actual torture in the form of “food”. I still don’t like them but at least now I know how to cook them and will eat them if it is the last bit of food on earth.
Yatsuno
@jeffreyw: KITTEHS!! Bebeh kittehs! Also too.
Damn this sucks. My cat ran away a week and a half ago and no signs at the local pounds. I think she might be gone for good. :(
La Caterina (Mrs. Johannes)
@jeffreyw: Thanks. Feel better now.
jeffreyw
@Yatsuno: That sucks, but I do know where there are some extra kittehs.
scav
My mother and I just managed a long phone call about how weird each and every woman is on all possible sides of the family, and that takes time. We enjoyed it no end.
Chickamin Slam
John Cole just needs another beer. Whenever I am in the area I’ll grab a growler of something for you. And then we can yell at the TV.
Shortstop
@scav: god, that sounds like heaven. Right now I’m hearing about how if she’s wrong about Jesus, no harm done, but if I’m wrong, my final address will be 123 Burning Circle.
legion
So, what you’re saying is “Happy Motherfucker Day, Motherfucker!”
Yatsuno
@Shortstop: Sweet! I have a condo just down the block reserved there too!
Shortstop
@Yatsuno: we can share kitchen equipment! So sorry about your kitty. Fingers crossed, m’dear.
Ripley
You do know that you can change out that tampon, Cole. It’s not supposed to be up there forever.
danielx
Alright, ‘fess up – who pissed in Cole’s Wheaties this morning?
brendancalling
That’s not what you said last night.
Nicole
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Oh yes. It was not until some years after she died that I realized that most people do not, in fact, put ice cubes in their wine.
@Ruckus: My mother could not cook ANYTHING. Plus, she grew up very poor, so she was all about canned vegetables and powdered milk. Maybe she’d have been better if she wasn’t always using the cheapest ingredients possible. But I doubt it.
Sadie
@Johnny Coelacanth:
So you’re admitting to a lack of empathy?
Bob In Portland
Ah, Johnny my boy, still time to get on the Sharks bandwagon.
MomSense
@Ruckus:
Brussel sprouts need bacon!!! Roasted in the oven with bacon, shallots, olive oil, s&p, and the tiniest bit of balsamic whisked with the bacon fat when they come out of the oven.
My kids devour them.
MomSense
@Yatsuno:
Oh no! I once had a cat who left for three months–came back skinny and missing an eye but lived to be about 20. I’m hoping your kitteh comes home safe and sound.
dave
I assume your comments are coming out of some emotional pain you are going through today but please do not let your personal problems destroy this site.
dmbeaster
Dude, I was gonna tell you to go look at the sky, but from your next post, you figured that out.
Steeplejack
@raven:
So they can be up close and personal when the golfer takes the next shot. If you were a golf fan, wouldn’t you like to be 10 feet away from Tiger when he takes a hard shot?
tybee
@Scamp Dog:
ditto
Steeplejack
@Yatsuno:
WTF?! I thought she was an indoor cat. How did that happen?
tybee
@jeffreyw:
spacibo
delosgatos
@BillinGlendaleCA: aren’t all of the rules in Calvinball suggestions?
Maude
Thank you John.
soonergrunt (mobile)
@raven: who the fuck is Pat Lang?
Ruckus
@Nicole:
Mine was actually a pretty good cook, except for brussel sprouts. Now she cooked other stuff I disliked, liver and onions, but the sprouts were just uneatable.
Ruckus
@MomSense:
The only time I’ve eaten them without a gun to my head was last year. Grilled with a touch of oil splashed on them and a little salt. Still not my favorite but eatable. I imagine that if you covered them with enough other flavors they might, just might be OK.