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You are here: Home / You know that I would be a liar

You know that I would be a liar

by DougJ|  May 25, 201311:00 am| 137 Comments

This post is in: Green Balloons

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If I told you I was at all surprised by this:

“Fires of Siberia,” a bodice-ripper starring a Michele Bachmann-like figure goes on sale June 1. “Presidential candidate Danielle Powers, full of firebrand pluck and red state sex appeal, has the country in a tizzy. But on an international tour to beef up her foreign policy experience, disaster ensues—her plane explodes over Siberia. Miraculously, Danielle survives, along with one other passenger—a mysterious stranger named Steadman Bass. Trapped in a wilderness of snow and ice, the two begin a journey that pushes Danielle to the brink. There she must confront her deepest self and choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy,” says the description.

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Reader Interactions

137Comments

  1. 1.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    May 25, 2013 at 11:03 am

    her plane explodes over Siberia. Miraculously, Danielle survives,

    I don’t have enough belief to suspend here.

  2. 2.

    dmsilev

    May 25, 2013 at 11:04 am

    To be fair, if Michele Bachman vanished into the wilderness and never returned, civilization (with the possible exception of late-night comedians) would be wild with ecstasy.

  3. 3.

    White Trash Liberal

    May 25, 2013 at 11:05 am

    50 Shades of Nausea

  4. 4.

    dr. bloor

    May 25, 2013 at 11:05 am

    There she must confront her deepest self and choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy,” says the description.

    …and some days The Bear gets you.

  5. 5.

    Shortstop

    May 25, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Question for our straight male and lesbian readers, because I may be missing some appeal here: is the thought of ripping Bachmann’s bodice — while she stares at you with those crazy eyes and moans in that nasal voice — not the biggest cold shower ever?

  6. 6.

    Comrade Jake

    May 25, 2013 at 11:07 am

    I clicked through to the amazon link, only to see this on the cover of the book:

    “He touched the void inside her, pollinating her pink flower like a master bee.”

    Alrighty then!

  7. 7.

    dr. bloor

    May 25, 2013 at 11:07 am

    I look forward to the scene where Danielle opens her heart to Steadman and confesses her sexual hunger because her husband has been so devoted to converting gays he’s been doing “undercover” work for the last thirty years.

  8. 8.

    dmsilev

    May 25, 2013 at 11:08 am

    @Comrade Jake: I was just going to point that out. Also, too, the cover art has to be seen to be believed. And who the hell puts an accent mark on ‘Trey’?

  9. 9.

    Comrade Jake

    May 25, 2013 at 11:09 am

    @Shortstop: I’m reasonably certain, from looking at the cover of the book, that no male, straight or otherwise, is going to be buying this trashy romance rag.

  10. 10.

    Comrade Jake

    May 25, 2013 at 11:09 am

    @dr. bloor: LOL

  11. 11.

    StringOnAStick

    May 25, 2013 at 11:10 am

    So, is having slash fiction written about you the surest way to know you are going to lose the next election? Because a lot of us could help with this.

  12. 12.

    Baud

    May 25, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Makes sense. The Republican Party is not good for much except performance art these days.

  13. 13.

    Califlander

    May 25, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I’m glad I ate *before* reading that description.

  14. 14.

    Shortstop

    May 25, 2013 at 11:12 am

    @Comrade Jake: Ah, of course. It’s pure fantasy for conservative women.

  15. 15.

    Ultraviolet Thunder

    May 25, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Gotta be satire. But will romance novel consumers be able to tell?

  16. 16.

    Shortstop

    May 25, 2013 at 11:13 am

    @dr. bloor: Has he left her yet to pursue his second marriage, finally legal in Minnesota?

  17. 17.

    Comrade Jake

    May 25, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Trey Sager has got to be an alias for Glenn Beck, right? I mean this piece of garbage is right up his alley.

  18. 18.

    Todd

    May 25, 2013 at 11:17 am

    I guess the publisher is seeking out a new niche market in books that women can rub one out to. They’ve cornered demographics for mainstream, and business, and fantasy, and sifi, and fundiegelical, and single moms, and menopausal. Now they’re hitting teatards.

    It only takes a couple of tweaks to the formula, and they’re good to go.

  19. 19.

    JPL

    May 25, 2013 at 11:17 am

    What beach do the readers of this trash tan at. My guess is somewhere close to Pensacola. I clicked to the Amazon page and I am so disappointed that Doug hasn’t reviewed it yet.

  20. 20.

    Irish Steel

    May 25, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Didn’t Bill Wyman play a Steadman Bass?

  21. 21.

    Gex

    May 25, 2013 at 11:19 am

    @Shortstop: She would turn me straight.

    ETA: For me, ugly on the inside and stupid obliterate any beauty a person may have.

  22. 22.

    Eric U.

    May 25, 2013 at 11:19 am

    since “God Bless America” got so much love around here, I’m surprised nobody mentioned another direct to netflix movie, “Iron Sky.” A significant part of the plot revolves around the idea of what would happen if Sarah Palin became president. Although I think it treats her rather gently.

  23. 23.

    Todd

    May 25, 2013 at 11:22 am

    @dmsilev:

    And who the hell puts an accent mark on ‘Trey’?

    A writer in need of a paycheck and thus will produce schlock, but who is also absolutely terrified that his identity might be revealed through a generic selection of his stage name.

  24. 24.

    Comrade Dread

    May 25, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Great. Now you’ve put the image of some wingnut typing this out with only one hand.

    Where do we keep the brain bleach?

  25. 25.

    GxB

    May 25, 2013 at 11:22 am

    @Comrade Jake: That’s some fine lit’rit’churin’ thar… But the cover art, my god, between the master beeing and the cover art I could only wish I’d go blind.

  26. 26.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    May 25, 2013 at 11:23 am

    From the one of the publisher’s solicited blurbs:

    Protagonist Danielle Powers, a sexy sociopath and politician on the make

    Also it says that Trey Sager is an editor at Fence, so, not likely a Republican. More likely taking the piss than tribute, in other words.

  27. 27.

    Corner Stone

    May 25, 2013 at 11:23 am

    This settles it, once and for all. Alexandra Petri at the WaPo is really DougJ. Or DougJ is really her. Or some combo of same.

  28. 28.

    gbear

    May 25, 2013 at 11:23 am

    choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy

    But after months of searching, she found she’d irretrievably left both behind in Waterloo, Iowa.

  29. 29.

    raven

    May 25, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Google “Who’s Nailin Palin” for a good time.

  30. 30.

    Corner Stone

    May 25, 2013 at 11:25 am

    @Bill E Pilgrim: And one of his other “novels” is Oedipus Breast.

  31. 31.

    Irish Steel

    May 25, 2013 at 11:26 am

    “Tréy Sager’s ‘Fires of Siberia’ is a flaming ode to erotic lyricism.

    Looks like they misspelled “load.”

  32. 32.

    Corner Stone

    May 25, 2013 at 11:27 am

    “Tréy Sager’s ‘Fires of Siberia’ is a flaming ode to erotic lyricism

    I don’t really care at this point. I simply have to read this ebook.

  33. 33.

    pokeyblow

    May 25, 2013 at 11:30 am

    She has dead eyes. Like a dead fish. From two weeks ago.

  34. 34.

    JPL

    May 25, 2013 at 11:32 am

    @raven: no!

  35. 35.

    RaflW

    May 25, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Lynne Tillman’s review at Amazon on the Kindle edition seems pitch perfect.

    Protagonist Danielle Powers, a sexy sociopath and politician on the make, wants to be made and made again. She’s Sarah Palin, Machiavelli, and a philosopher no one has ever heard of. ‘Fires’ is so bizarre and witty, real yet unbelievable…

    As to that ‘sexy’ and the question up-thread, I too am puzzled that some men think La Bachmann is a MILF.

  36. 36.

    Emma

    May 25, 2013 at 11:33 am

    @Corner Stone: Syrup of ipecac would work better. Just sayin’.

  37. 37.

    Comrade Jake

    May 25, 2013 at 11:34 am

    @Bill E Pilgrim: a “sexy sociopath”?

    OK, I call satire.

  38. 38.

    Paul Harrington

    May 25, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Siberian sex tours weren’t on my radar.

  39. 39.

    Comrade Jake

    May 25, 2013 at 11:36 am

    @GxB: yeah the cover art is all kinds of awful.

  40. 40.

    Woody

    May 25, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Rich Lowry has already given the book three-and-a-half starbursts.

    . . . and two sweat socks . . .

    anklets.

  41. 41.

    PsiFighter37

    May 25, 2013 at 11:41 am

    This is awesome and hilarious. The other ones that are in the article are also pretty amusing. Marco Rubio and a talking water bottle? Orange Julius stuck with a fine lady but can’t cry at all?

    I wonder how much money there is to be made in writing these…

  42. 42.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    May 25, 2013 at 11:41 am

    @Comrade Jake: Yeah I mean the idea of a Bachmann worshiper writing a book whose character is “on the make” is pretty unlikely.

    Not saying it’s any good, who knows, but it’s more likely satire at Bachmann’s expense than you know, Red Dawn. At least one person involved with Fence I know is the farthest thing from a Republican.

  43. 43.

    Bruce S

    May 25, 2013 at 11:43 am

    AtlanticWire: “Badlands Unlimited is not your traditional romance novel publisher. It’s run by New York artist Paul Chan, and offers an eclectic mix of titles, from a collection of Saddam Hussein’s early speeches to a set of 1964 interviews with Marcel Duchamp…”

    From the cover art, I look forward to the movie version starring Reese Witherspoon and Zach Galifanakis. Maybe Mel Brooks would like to direct.

  44. 44.

    Todd

    May 25, 2013 at 11:44 am

    @RaflW:

    As to that ‘sexy’ and the question up-thread, I too am puzzled that some men think La Bachmann is a MILF.

    For those of us over a certain age, she is not unattractive, and there’s the added bonus of certain, um, passionate reactions of women who are nuts when those relationships are conducted on a short term basis.

  45. 45.

    YellowJournalism

    May 25, 2013 at 11:44 am

    That cover art looks like it was designed with someone’s copy of The Sims 3.

    Love this from the article:

    o “The Biden Collection.” This is not a novel so much as it is recently unearthed footage of Vice President Joe Biden reading the entire “Harlequin Presents” romance series aloud to himself, pausing occasionally to giggle at weird times.

    Put that on iTunes. I’d buy it!

  46. 46.

    MaryJane

    May 25, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Alright, someone here needs to fess up.

    First sentence of the book: “Kimchi can fuck off and die in a fire.” Kid you not.

  47. 47.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    May 25, 2013 at 11:49 am

    @MaryJane: Yeah forget the WAPO piece, I’m thinking DougJ is actually the author of this book, frankly.

  48. 48.

    Amir Khalid

    May 25, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I sense a new literary genre: the Harlequin romance/political celebrity mash-up, a variation on the classic lit/horror-movie mash-up that has been with us for some years now. I might read this one just for shits and giggles.

  49. 49.

    Bruce S

    May 25, 2013 at 11:49 am

    @Todd:

    Sorry you had to share that, Todd.

  50. 50.

    Svensker

    May 25, 2013 at 11:49 am

    This has got to be a spoof book. Seriously. Steadman Bass? “Pollinated her pink flower like a master bee”?

  51. 51.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    May 25, 2013 at 11:50 am

    @Todd: The rule is you don’t get involved with crazy.

  52. 52.

    cmorenc

    May 25, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Will “Fires from Siberia” turn out to be a literary project similar to the one two or three decades ago called “Naked Came the Stranger” under the pen name “Penelope Ash”, which was a collaboration by quite a few high-quality writers to create a deliberately badly-written trashy novel, consciously mocking the then-wildly successful prolific author of bad trashy pop-fiction, Jacqueline Susan? Except if my theory turns out to be true, some of the collaborators will be politically active authors mocking a candidate who is an amalgam of trashy right-wing political women e.g. Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, etc?

  53. 53.

    Keith

    May 25, 2013 at 11:52 am

    @RaflW: I’ll grant that Michelle Bachmann is a very attractive lady; she has aged extremely well. Must stay out of the sun or avoids smoking. Better-looking than Palin, who is pretty attractive herself (well, at least before she started dropping weight). Their personalities are terrible, though, and those eyes change from “piercing” to “crazy” ones she hits a podium.

  54. 54.

    Gin & Tonic

    May 25, 2013 at 11:52 am

    @Todd: There’s quite a few miles between “not unattractive” and “let’s get it on.”

  55. 55.

    Marcus Bachmann

    May 25, 2013 at 11:53 am

    @Shortstop:

    Question for our straight male and lesbian readers, because I may be missing some appeal here: is the thought of ripping Bachmann’s bodice — while she stares at you with those crazy eyes and moans in that nasal voice — not the biggest cold shower ever?

    Although not in either demographic, Yes – tell me about it – I’ve got shrinkage just thinking about it.

  56. 56.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    May 25, 2013 at 11:55 am

    @Gin & Tonic:

    There’s quite a few miles between “not unattractive” and “let’s get it on.”

    I think there’s an algorithm involved though, the closer to closing time, the fewer the miles, until at 1:45 it’s reduced to a few inches. I’ve heard, anyway.

  57. 57.

    Bitter and Deluded Lurker

    May 25, 2013 at 11:57 am

    @MaryJane: I saw that too, and after reading the first page or so I’m pretty sure it’s satire.

  58. 58.

    Amir Khalid

    May 25, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Took another look at the Amazon page. Alas — and, also too, a lackaday:

    This title is not available for
    customers from your
    location in:
    Asia & Pacific

  59. 59.

    Todd

    May 25, 2013 at 11:58 am

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS):

    The rule is you don’t get involved with crazy.

    No, the rule is that you never share your real name or address or phone number with crazy. You have your fun and move on quickly before things turn toxic, which happens by the end of day 2.

    It was a bit of a youthful affliction for me, and I learned valuable lessons.

  60. 60.

    Neddie Jingo

    May 25, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    @YellowJournalism: Just beat me to it. I’d pay good money.

    D’you know, I used to copyedit those fucking Harlequin things in the Eighties. Fifteen bucks an hour was nothing to sneeze at. (Hell, that’s probably about what the poor authors made.) Besides, there were plenty of “weird times” to giggle at. Whole lotta unintended humor in those things, especially before somebody like me rescued the writers from looking like fools.

    As an added bonus, you got to know well the intricacies of the rules governing sex scenes. In a Harlequin, no body parts may be mentioned at all, but “wave after wave of oceanic passion broke over her” was permissible. However, in the western versions of the same thing, you could get pretty raunchy, but you still had to be careful to be euphemistic about being too detailed about the dangly, moist bits — heaven forfend; that would be pornography!

  61. 61.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    May 25, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    @Todd:

    you never share your real name or address or phone number with crazy

    I think those things are implied by “get involved,” but you seemed to have a plan, so … carry on.

  62. 62.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    May 25, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    BTW, if anyone is interested, there’s a very good scholarly book about romance novels: Reading the Romance by Janice Radway.

  63. 63.

    Frankensteinbeck

    May 25, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    FYWP. My ‘wat’ expressed with golden brevity the stunned horror I felt in reading this post, AND I was first!

  64. 64.

    different-church-lady

    May 25, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    It does seem like it would be an accurate representation of her depth as a candidate.

  65. 65.

    Omnes Omnibus

    May 25, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS): I thought the rule was: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

  66. 66.

    MaryJane

    May 25, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    @Bill E Pilgrim:

    Yup. I’m finally convinced.

    @Bitter and Deluded Lurker:

    Agree. It’s too awful to be otherwise.

  67. 67.

    Hungry Joe

    May 25, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    @Woody: “Anklets.”

    Perhaps the most hilarious one-word comment I’ve ever read. Way beyond brilliant.

  68. 68.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    I’m sorry, Doug, I only read Kirk/Spock fanfiction, although I am open to the possibility of a Kirk/Spock/Uhura menage a trois following the newest Star Dreck motion picture disaster. Politicians are right out.

    Anyway, I thought One-El Michele/GWB was canon.

  69. 69.

    Neddie Jingo

    May 25, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I only just now clicked over to the Amazon page, and I had a sudden revelation when looking at the heroine on the cover:

    She looks almost exactly like this bit of misfortune!

  70. 70.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    May 25, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Does that open the field for us Juicers?

  71. 71.

    Yatsuno

    May 25, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    I thought the rule was: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

    I’ve noticed men are horrifically poor at judging this.

  72. 72.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    @Comrade Jake: “He touched the void inside her, pollinating her pink flower like a master bee.”

    Look, I can top that easy. Killing Time author Della van Hise* once wrote that a character “tasted the creamy white wine of his victory”. Still makes me laugh every time.

    *Dig into the Van Hises if you’re ever bored. They are pieces of work.

  73. 73.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    @dr. bloor: Is Steadman a reference to rumored lesbian Oprah’s steady man who finally was shown the door a few years back?

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate, given Michele’s lesbian-fleeing propensities, one thinks the lady doth flee too much.

  74. 74.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    @StringOnAStick: Well, a lot of slash fiction was written about Seven of Nine and then Alan Keyes became the IL GOP nominee so in the same sense that not washing your jersey will cause the Cubs to win, sure.

  75. 75.

    Suzanne

    May 25, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Oh my God. This sounds awesome. I only wish it was a movie so I could have all my friends over for a gang…..UHHHH, A VIEWING PARTY.

    What can I say? The idea of Michele Bachmann in a plane crash makes me SPLASH.

  76. 76.

    Omnes Omnibus

    May 25, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS): I don’t know. I pretty sure that it means violations of the rule can be pretty disastrous – sometimes in a good way.

    @Yatsuno:

    I’ve noticed men are horrifically poor at judging this.

    Sometimes one doesn’t notice until later.

  77. 77.

    burnspbesq

    May 25, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    @Shortstop:

    Bachmann? Not to my taste. However, in the words of the great American songwriter John Hiatt,

    I get so easily led when my little head does the thinking.

  78. 78.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    @Shortstop: Conservative women like Kristen Maguire?

    Somebody read her stories (I’m assuming with a vodka+Tylenol chaser) and did a brilliant takedown of the sexual politics/complexes in them, but I can’t seem to find it right now.

    But, tellingly, she campaigned strenuously against sex education in schools.

    Not that different from the anti-gay K/S fans I used to butt heads with online when I was younger. They really pissed me off, but ever since Lawrence v Texas was decided I’ve been laughing my ass off.

  79. 79.

    Yatsuno

    May 25, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Somehow one time I didn’t notice until we were in the shower after the act. Then the smarmy condescending asshole came to the fore. I got out of there fast and didn’t return a phone call afterwards.

  80. 80.

    Comrade Jake

    May 25, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Cole sighting in Madison:

    http://gawker.com/thong-cape-scooter-man-disturbs-children-but-hes-p-509855696

  81. 81.

    Villago Delenda Est

    May 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    @Comrade Jake:

    Might be Newt Gingrich, too.

    “if I were to say to you, girl we couldn’t get much higher…”

  82. 82.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    @Shortstop: I think first his business as such needs to go bankrupt, then he needs to find Jesus (possibly in a truck stop chapel), then he gets married right at the end of the movie as you’re drying your tears of catharsis, nodding your head at the tragic beauty of the human comedy.

  83. 83.

    piratedan

    May 25, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    I’ve heard in book two they’ve discovered that they’re siblings, separated at birth, sans long form birth certificates because their secret sperm donor father is George Soros and this was part of his long term plan to tarnish Conservatives… or so I heard from RedState….

  84. 84.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    May 25, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    @Yatsuno: It’s probably a male trait that we don’t notice the cray-cray until afterwards. Thinking with the wrong head and all.

  85. 85.

    Anoniminous

    May 25, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    … full of firebrand pluck … has the country in a tizzy.

    Yea, verily. She is the bee’s knees and the cat’s pajamas.

    (Who the heck talks like that?)

  86. 86.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    @Todd: teatards have ALWAYS been involved in this genre

    don’t even get me started on this dipshit housewife from Connecticut named Helen I got into an internet beef with back in 2002 over her mocking Asian people like the flat-scan, self-righteous hosebeast that she is

    nothing new, I’m afraid, Todd

  87. 87.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    @Villago Delenda Est: I’ve already read Gingrich’s Nazi fanfic. It was pretty bad, I guess. There was sexytimes in it. Also something something Nazis are a-skeered to land-invade US because 2nd amendment argle bargle.

  88. 88.

    Omnes Omnibus

    May 25, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS): Eh, I’ve noticed it beforehand and gone ahead anyway. Of course, that might mean that I was actually the crazier party and, therefore, not in violation of the rule.

  89. 89.

    Villago Delenda Est

    May 25, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    @cmorenc:

    consciously mocking the then-wildly successful prolific author of bad trashy pop-fiction, Jacqueline Susan?

    “Ah. The classics.”

  90. 90.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    @gbear: Thread. Won.

  91. 91.

    dance around in your bones

    May 25, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Ooooh, Danielle! Go with the wild, primitive ecstasy! Surrender the pink void! Get floated like a butterfly, stung wif a master bee!

    (Hmmm, a masterbee….)

  92. 92.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    May 25, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    @Another Halocene Human:

    Oh gawd, he would do that. Yes, that’s exactly why we weren’t invaded by Nazis. People like Newt remind me of the old joke that could be paraphrased as:

    “Why are you opposing even the most rudimentary gun regulations?”
    “Because having no regulations keeps the Nazis from invading”.
    “There aren’t any Nazi forces within 65 years of here!”
    “See? It works!”

  93. 93.

    aimai

    May 25, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    @Amir Khalid: Hm, interesting idea. Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters? Isn’t the Bachmann/Bachmann marriage just one such mashup? Right Wing Political Falling Star married to Closeted Gay man? Do you get much more Sense and Sensible Shoes meets the Kraken than that?

  94. 94.

    bloviator

    May 25, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Shortstop:

    The thought of it gives me a soft on that just won’t quit.

  95. 95.

    Yatsuno

    May 25, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @dance around in your bones: Oh myyyyyy….

  96. 96.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Neddie Jingo: I’ve had people in all seriousness argue to me that all that purple prose is tasteful. Of course, these were the same people who thought that literary fiction is a conspiracy cooked up by Big Publisher, the NEA, high school English Teachers, Jimmy Carter, and the Bilderberg Group.

  97. 97.

    JPL

    May 25, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Amir Khalid: Hmmm.. Makes one wonder what other countries are prevented from reading such a fine novel.
    In the olden days, it would have been banned in Boston.

  98. 98.

    Villago Delenda Est

    May 25, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Ultraviolet Thunder:

    Poe’s Law conquers yet another frontier.

  99. 99.

    Omnes Omnibus

    May 25, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Bill E Pilgrim: I have a rock that repels tigers.

  100. 100.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    @Villago Delenda Est: Spock on Jacqueline Susann (video)

  101. 101.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    May 25, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: You mean music really does shoo the savage breast?

  102. 102.

    aimai

    May 25, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    @Neddie Jingo: I used to read Harlequins, when I was a teenager. I was fascinated then by the clearly very strict cultural rules that differentiated the writing and the issues (such as they were) between Harlequin US and Mills and Boon (UK). For example there was an entire category of romances written by “Betty Neel” which when like this: English Nurse gets in trouble for some argle blargle reason and flees the cruelty of English Surgeons and ends up married to a wealthy Dutch Surgeon and struggling to find her way in Dutch society. Toothsome descriptions of almost literally Baroque amounts of wealth, Dutch domestic interiors, and gardens to follow. I mean the Betty Neel app had dozens of these nearly identical plots.

    Meanwhile: very few English heroines had any education at all while the US ones all were written for a college level (or aspiring ot have finished college) level heroine. In the UK “Scottish” men were considered practically bestial Tarzan types and Scotland stands in for a kind of fronteir where anything can happen. In the US there were lots more “dangerous” kinds of men. Things like that were fascinating–somewhere a style sheet, you know? Wish I could have got in on the editing for pay.

  103. 103.

    quannlace

    May 25, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Are you sure this isn’t an entry to the The Bulwer-Lytton Contest?
    *******

    And why does everybody assume it’s based on Bachmann? Sounds much more like Palin.

  104. 104.

    Lazslo Anton Zapotec

    May 25, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    A film version of this book would find a wide audience on the Patrician Network’s late night “Porno for Plutocrats” channel. Throw in a Putin look-a-like having sexy time with the MB character you have a long running hit on that channel.

  105. 105.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    PROFANITY FOLLOWS but I couldn’t help myself

    @Yatsuno:
    I feel like cunny
    Is attracted to me
    Got the old girl buzzing
    Cuz I’m fly like a bee

  106. 106.

    Tokyokie

    May 25, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Fires of Siberia? I’d rather see a Palin/Bachmann type involved in something like Fires on the Plains.

    And, judging from the cover art, even more miraculous than surviving the midair explosion, the characters did so with their clothing intact (a condition soon to be remedied, I’m sure). And their passion is so great it keeps them warm despite the -40F nighttime temperatures.

  107. 107.

    dance around in your bones

    May 25, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    @Yatsuno: Heh.

    Giving up the void reminded me of Carrie Fisher’s Surrender the Pink…

  108. 108.

    Villago Delenda Est

    May 25, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    @Another Halocene Human:

    Not to mention those outright Nazis from the MLA…

  109. 109.

    Yatsuno

    May 25, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    @Another Halocene Human: Pfft. Son of a sailor who loves Dawgs. Plus I went to a drinking school. Good luck trying to get me offended or shocked by anything profane.

    @dance around in your bones: I would be less that surprised if she did this for teh lulz.

  110. 110.

    Enhanced Voting Techniques

    May 25, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    @Shortstop: Question for our straight male and lesbian readers, because I may be missing some appeal here: is the thought of ripping Bachmann’s bodice — while she stares at you with those crazy eyes and moans in that nasal voice — not the biggest cold shower ever?‘

    We men are pigs, end of discussion.

  111. 111.

    Tehanu

    May 25, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    @pokeyblow:
    Reminds me of Mudhead’s remark about Principal Poop: “Those eyes! Weird!”

  112. 112.

    quannlace

    May 25, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    “There are no customer reviews yet.”
    *****

    Probably cause…..no customers.

  113. 113.

    Mike in NC

    May 25, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    “Starbursts Over Siberia” would have been a bigger seller.

  114. 114.

    Todd

    May 25, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS):

    It’s probably a male trait that we don’t notice the cray-cray until afterwards. Thinking with the wrong head and all.

    In my experience, er, according to what I heard, when in a certain mood, cray-cray always seemed to be unburdened by inhibitions and was more inclined to move and experiment, more so than the average partner.

  115. 115.

    Villago Delenda Est

    May 25, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    @Todd:

    Um….yes. I see your point. I’ve seen your point.

  116. 116.

    maya

    May 25, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Who says Michelle doesn’t have sex appeal?

  117. 117.

    Corner Stone

    May 25, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    @quannlace: What do you mean?

    Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #25,298 Paid in Kindle Store

  118. 118.

    Neddie Jingo

    May 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    @aimai: I hope I’m not condescending when I recommend the Wikipedia article on the history of Harlequin? This thread has thrown me back into the memories of toiling for my crust of bread at the Harlequin salt mines, and I certainly wish I’d had the history at my fingertips back then — it’s at least somewhat heartening to know what you’re participating in. I’d no idea, for example, that Harlequin and Mills and Boon were intimately related; I’d always assumed that Harlequin was this side of the Atlantic and M&B were the other. Not so.

    Also, the rise of Silhouette and other specialized imprints coincided with my appearance on the scene; thus my heightened awareness of the varying degrees of salaciousness among them. Harlequin Presents titles could be relied on for relative filth and perhaps even a mention of a heroine’s moistened thigh, while the “regular” Harlequins were quite chaste by comparison.

    “Somewhere a styleguide” indeed. Tragically, they didn’t issue those to mere copyeditors, but I did once get to spend an evening curled up with the surprisingly thick volume of instruction on how to write a Hardy Boys mystery. Hell, Chubby Friend Chet was a chapter to himself.

  119. 119.

    Shortstop

    May 25, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    @gbear: Jesus, that’s funny.

  120. 120.

    eemom

    May 25, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    @Todd:

    In my experience, er, according to what I heard, when in a certain mood, cray-cray always seemed to be unburdened by inhibitions and was more inclined to move and experiment, more so than the average partner.

    Jaysus H. Kroost. How does it feel to be a living, breathing cliche?

  121. 121.

    Citizen_X

    May 25, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    @Bruce S:

    I look forward to the movie version starring Reese Witherspoon and Zach Galifanakis. Maybe Mel Brooks would like to direct.

    I would go see that, too. Mel, please, make it happen!

  122. 122.

    Todd

    May 25, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    @eemom:

    Jaysus H. Kroost. How does it feel to be a living, breathing cliche?

    I didn’t claim that it is right or that I’m proud of it. It was simply a fond weakness of mine.

  123. 123.

    MaximusNYC

    May 25, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    “Her plane explodes over Siberia.” Not a problem — she should be able to see her house from there.

  124. 124.

    JD Rhoades

    May 25, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    @Shortstop:

    I’ve never found hate-fucking that much of a turn-on.

  125. 125.

    bcinaz

    May 25, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    When they say “Michelle Bachmann-like figure” are they talking about someone with vacantly crazed eyes?

  126. 126.

    somethingblue

    May 25, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Trapped in a wilderness of snow and ice, the two begin a journey that pushes Danielle to the brink. There she must confront her deepest self and choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy. All the while, Steadman harbors a terrible secret …

    Welcome to Ursula LeGuin’s long-awaited sequel, The Right Hand of Darkness.

  127. 127.

    gbear

    May 25, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    @somethingblue: Perfect.

  128. 128.

    Jackie

    May 25, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Adrian McKinty does Irish Noir well
    I really loved.Kate Atkinson’s mysteries

  129. 129.

    Another Halocene Human

    May 25, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    @Yatsuno: My bad, I didn’t think that it might look like the warning was directed at you … we don’t usually drop Victorian porn slang on this blog so I thought … fair warning.

  130. 130.

    nastybrutishntall

    May 25, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    @Todd: Hit it, Quit it, and Hopefully Outwit it.

  131. 131.

    Steeplejack

    May 25, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    @Jackie:

    I like her Jackson Brodie books, which were the basis for a pretty good BBC/Mystery! series.

  132. 132.

    Mr Zip

    May 25, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    The Amazon ranking suggest it’s sold 3 or 4 copies today, fwiw.

  133. 133.

    JGabriel

    May 25, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    red state sex appeal

    World’s most nauseating oxymoron.

    .

  134. 134.

    Fort Geek

    May 25, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    @dmsilev: “Trey” with his accent must be short for “Outre”–‘passing the bounds of what is usual or considered proper; unconventional; bizarre.’

    Fits!

  135. 135.

    LittlePig

    May 26, 2013 at 10:00 am

    @Todd: It only takes a couple of tweaks to the formula, and they’re good to go.

    Jubal Harshaw Johnson is right!

  136. 136.

    LittlePig

    May 26, 2013 at 10:26 am

    @MaximusNYC: “Her plane explodes over Siberia.” Not a problem — she should be able to see her house from there.

    My first cat-dislodging laugh of the day. Awesome.

Comments are closed.

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  1. I'm Thinking There's Something Symbolic About That Volcano What Is Erupting There | Library Grape says:
    May 28, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    […] the Michelle Bachmann lustbuch has already been making the rounds — Jezebel, Wonkette, Balloon-Juice — but I couldn’t resist quoting the blurb on the e-book’s own cover […]

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