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You are here: Home / You know that I would be a liar

You know that I would be a liar

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If I told you I was at all surprised by this:

“Fires of Siberia,” a bodice-ripper starring a Michele Bachmann-like figure goes on sale June 1. “Presidential candidate Danielle Powers, full of firebrand pluck and red state sex appeal, has the country in a tizzy. But on an international tour to beef up her foreign policy experience, disaster ensues—her plane explodes over Siberia. Miraculously, Danielle survives, along with one other passenger—a mysterious stranger named Steadman Bass. Trapped in a wilderness of snow and ice, the two begin a journey that pushes Danielle to the brink. There she must confront her deepest self and choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy,” says the description.

Reader Interactions

137Comments

  1. 1.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    her plane explodes over Siberia. Miraculously, Danielle survives,

    I don’t have enough belief to suspend here.

  2. 2.

    dmsilev

    To be fair, if Michele Bachman vanished into the wilderness and never returned, civilization (with the possible exception of late-night comedians) would be wild with ecstasy.

  4. 4.

    dr. bloor

    There she must confront her deepest self and choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy,” says the description.

    …and some days The Bear gets you.

  5. 5.

    Shortstop

    Question for our straight male and lesbian readers, because I may be missing some appeal here: is the thought of ripping Bachmann’s bodice — while she stares at you with those crazy eyes and moans in that nasal voice — not the biggest cold shower ever?

  6. 6.

    Comrade Jake

    I clicked through to the amazon link, only to see this on the cover of the book:

    “He touched the void inside her, pollinating her pink flower like a master bee.”

    Alrighty then!

  7. 7.

    dr. bloor

    I look forward to the scene where Danielle opens her heart to Steadman and confesses her sexual hunger because her husband has been so devoted to converting gays he’s been doing “undercover” work for the last thirty years.

  8. 8.

    dmsilev

    @Comrade Jake: I was just going to point that out. Also, too, the cover art has to be seen to be believed. And who the hell puts an accent mark on ‘Trey’?

  9. 9.

    Comrade Jake

    @Shortstop: I’m reasonably certain, from looking at the cover of the book, that no male, straight or otherwise, is going to be buying this trashy romance rag.

  11. 11.

    StringOnAStick

    So, is having slash fiction written about you the surest way to know you are going to lose the next election? Because a lot of us could help with this.

  12. 12.

    Baud

    Makes sense. The Republican Party is not good for much except performance art these days.

  17. 17.

    Comrade Jake

    Trey Sager has got to be an alias for Glenn Beck, right? I mean this piece of garbage is right up his alley.

  18. 18.

    Todd

    I guess the publisher is seeking out a new niche market in books that women can rub one out to. They’ve cornered demographics for mainstream, and business, and fantasy, and sifi, and fundiegelical, and single moms, and menopausal. Now they’re hitting teatards.

    It only takes a couple of tweaks to the formula, and they’re good to go.

  19. 19.

    JPL

    What beach do the readers of this trash tan at. My guess is somewhere close to Pensacola. I clicked to the Amazon page and I am so disappointed that Doug hasn’t reviewed it yet.

  22. 22.

    Eric U.

    since “God Bless America” got so much love around here, I’m surprised nobody mentioned another direct to netflix movie, “Iron Sky.” A significant part of the plot revolves around the idea of what would happen if Sarah Palin became president. Although I think it treats her rather gently.

  23. 23.

    Todd

    @dmsilev:

    And who the hell puts an accent mark on ‘Trey’?

    A writer in need of a paycheck and thus will produce schlock, but who is also absolutely terrified that his identity might be revealed through a generic selection of his stage name.

  25. 25.

    GxB

    @Comrade Jake: That’s some fine lit’rit’churin’ thar… But the cover art, my god, between the master beeing and the cover art I could only wish I’d go blind.

  26. 26.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    From the one of the publisher’s solicited blurbs:

    Protagonist Danielle Powers, a sexy sociopath and politician on the make

    Also it says that Trey Sager is an editor at Fence, so, not likely a Republican. More likely taking the piss than tribute, in other words.

  27. 27.

    Corner Stone

    This settles it, once and for all. Alexandra Petri at the WaPo is really DougJ. Or DougJ is really her. Or some combo of same.

  28. 28.

    gbear

    choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy

    But after months of searching, she found she’d irretrievably left both behind in Waterloo, Iowa.

  31. 31.

    Irish Steel

    “Tréy Sager’s ‘Fires of Siberia’ is a flaming ode to erotic lyricism.

    Looks like they misspelled “load.”

  32. 32.

    Corner Stone

    “Tréy Sager’s ‘Fires of Siberia’ is a flaming ode to erotic lyricism

    I don’t really care at this point. I simply have to read this ebook.

  35. 35.

    RaflW

    Lynne Tillman’s review at Amazon on the Kindle edition seems pitch perfect.

    Protagonist Danielle Powers, a sexy sociopath and politician on the make, wants to be made and made again. She’s Sarah Palin, Machiavelli, and a philosopher no one has ever heard of. ‘Fires’ is so bizarre and witty, real yet unbelievable…

    As to that ‘sexy’ and the question up-thread, I too am puzzled that some men think La Bachmann is a MILF.

  40. 40.

    Woody

    Rich Lowry has already given the book three-and-a-half starbursts.

    . . . and two sweat socks . . .

    anklets.

  41. 41.

    PsiFighter37

    This is awesome and hilarious. The other ones that are in the article are also pretty amusing. Marco Rubio and a talking water bottle? Orange Julius stuck with a fine lady but can’t cry at all?

    I wonder how much money there is to be made in writing these…

  42. 42.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @Comrade Jake: Yeah I mean the idea of a Bachmann worshiper writing a book whose character is “on the make” is pretty unlikely.

    Not saying it’s any good, who knows, but it’s more likely satire at Bachmann’s expense than you know, Red Dawn. At least one person involved with Fence I know is the farthest thing from a Republican.

  43. 43.

    Bruce S

    AtlanticWire: “Badlands Unlimited is not your traditional romance novel publisher. It’s run by New York artist Paul Chan, and offers an eclectic mix of titles, from a collection of Saddam Hussein’s early speeches to a set of 1964 interviews with Marcel Duchamp…”

    From the cover art, I look forward to the movie version starring Reese Witherspoon and Zach Galifanakis. Maybe Mel Brooks would like to direct.

  44. 44.

    Todd

    @RaflW:

    As to that ‘sexy’ and the question up-thread, I too am puzzled that some men think La Bachmann is a MILF.

    For those of us over a certain age, she is not unattractive, and there’s the added bonus of certain, um, passionate reactions of women who are nuts when those relationships are conducted on a short term basis.

  45. 45.

    YellowJournalism

    That cover art looks like it was designed with someone’s copy of The Sims 3.

    Love this from the article:

    o “The Biden Collection.” This is not a novel so much as it is recently unearthed footage of Vice President Joe Biden reading the entire “Harlequin Presents” romance series aloud to himself, pausing occasionally to giggle at weird times.

    Put that on iTunes. I’d buy it!

  46. 46.

    MaryJane

    Alright, someone here needs to fess up.

    First sentence of the book: “Kimchi can fuck off and die in a fire.” Kid you not.

  48. 48.

    Amir Khalid

    I sense a new literary genre: the Harlequin romance/political celebrity mash-up, a variation on the classic lit/horror-movie mash-up that has been with us for some years now. I might read this one just for shits and giggles.

  50. 50.

    Svensker

    This has got to be a spoof book. Seriously. Steadman Bass? “Pollinated her pink flower like a master bee”?

  51. 51.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    @Todd: The rule is you don’t get involved with crazy.

  52. 52.

    cmorenc

    Will “Fires from Siberia” turn out to be a literary project similar to the one two or three decades ago called “Naked Came the Stranger” under the pen name “Penelope Ash”, which was a collaboration by quite a few high-quality writers to create a deliberately badly-written trashy novel, consciously mocking the then-wildly successful prolific author of bad trashy pop-fiction, Jacqueline Susan? Except if my theory turns out to be true, some of the collaborators will be politically active authors mocking a candidate who is an amalgam of trashy right-wing political women e.g. Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, etc?

  53. 53.

    Keith

    @RaflW: I’ll grant that Michelle Bachmann is a very attractive lady; she has aged extremely well. Must stay out of the sun or avoids smoking. Better-looking than Palin, who is pretty attractive herself (well, at least before she started dropping weight). Their personalities are terrible, though, and those eyes change from “piercing” to “crazy” ones she hits a podium.

  55. 55.

    Marcus Bachmann

    @Shortstop:

    Question for our straight male and lesbian readers, because I may be missing some appeal here: is the thought of ripping Bachmann’s bodice — while she stares at you with those crazy eyes and moans in that nasal voice — not the biggest cold shower ever?

    Although not in either demographic, Yes – tell me about it – I’ve got shrinkage just thinking about it.

  56. 56.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @Gin & Tonic:

    There’s quite a few miles between “not unattractive” and “let’s get it on.”

    I think there’s an algorithm involved though, the closer to closing time, the fewer the miles, until at 1:45 it’s reduced to a few inches. I’ve heard, anyway.

  58. 58.

    Amir Khalid

    Took another look at the Amazon page. Alas — and, also too, a lackaday:

    This title is not available for
    customers from your
    location in:
    Asia & Pacific

  59. 59.

    Todd

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS):

    The rule is you don’t get involved with crazy.

    No, the rule is that you never share your real name or address or phone number with crazy. You have your fun and move on quickly before things turn toxic, which happens by the end of day 2.

    It was a bit of a youthful affliction for me, and I learned valuable lessons.

  60. 60.

    Neddie Jingo

    @YellowJournalism: Just beat me to it. I’d pay good money.

    D’you know, I used to copyedit those fucking Harlequin things in the Eighties. Fifteen bucks an hour was nothing to sneeze at. (Hell, that’s probably about what the poor authors made.) Besides, there were plenty of “weird times” to giggle at. Whole lotta unintended humor in those things, especially before somebody like me rescued the writers from looking like fools.

    As an added bonus, you got to know well the intricacies of the rules governing sex scenes. In a Harlequin, no body parts may be mentioned at all, but “wave after wave of oceanic passion broke over her” was permissible. However, in the western versions of the same thing, you could get pretty raunchy, but you still had to be careful to be euphemistic about being too detailed about the dangly, moist bits — heaven forfend; that would be pornography!

  61. 61.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    @Todd:

    you never share your real name or address or phone number with crazy

    I think those things are implied by “get involved,” but you seemed to have a plan, so … carry on.

  64. 64.

    different-church-lady

    It does seem like it would be an accurate representation of her depth as a candidate.

  68. 68.

    Another Halocene Human

    I’m sorry, Doug, I only read Kirk/Spock fanfiction, although I am open to the possibility of a Kirk/Spock/Uhura menage a trois following the newest Star Dreck motion picture disaster. Politicians are right out.

    Anyway, I thought One-El Michele/GWB was canon.

  72. 72.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Comrade Jake: “He touched the void inside her, pollinating her pink flower like a master bee.”

    Look, I can top that easy. Killing Time author Della van Hise* once wrote that a character “tasted the creamy white wine of his victory”. Still makes me laugh every time.

    *Dig into the Van Hises if you’re ever bored. They are pieces of work.

  73. 73.

    Another Halocene Human

    @dr. bloor: Is Steadman a reference to rumored lesbian Oprah’s steady man who finally was shown the door a few years back?

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate, given Michele’s lesbian-fleeing propensities, one thinks the lady doth flee too much.

  74. 74.

    Another Halocene Human

    @StringOnAStick: Well, a lot of slash fiction was written about Seven of Nine and then Alan Keyes became the IL GOP nominee so in the same sense that not washing your jersey will cause the Cubs to win, sure.

  75. 75.

    Suzanne

    Oh my God. This sounds awesome. I only wish it was a movie so I could have all my friends over for a gang…..UHHHH, A VIEWING PARTY.

    What can I say? The idea of Michele Bachmann in a plane crash makes me SPLASH.

  77. 77.

    burnspbesq

    @Shortstop:

    Bachmann? Not to my taste. However, in the words of the great American songwriter John Hiatt,

    I get so easily led when my little head does the thinking.

  78. 78.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Shortstop: Conservative women like Kristen Maguire?

    Somebody read her stories (I’m assuming with a vodka+Tylenol chaser) and did a brilliant takedown of the sexual politics/complexes in them, but I can’t seem to find it right now.

    But, tellingly, she campaigned strenuously against sex education in schools.

    Not that different from the anti-gay K/S fans I used to butt heads with online when I was younger. They really pissed me off, but ever since Lawrence v Texas was decided I’ve been laughing my ass off.

  79. 79.

    Yatsuno

    @Omnes Omnibus: Somehow one time I didn’t notice until we were in the shower after the act. Then the smarmy condescending asshole came to the fore. I got out of there fast and didn’t return a phone call afterwards.

  82. 82.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Shortstop: I think first his business as such needs to go bankrupt, then he needs to find Jesus (possibly in a truck stop chapel), then he gets married right at the end of the movie as you’re drying your tears of catharsis, nodding your head at the tragic beauty of the human comedy.

  83. 83.

    piratedan

    I’ve heard in book two they’ve discovered that they’re siblings, separated at birth, sans long form birth certificates because their secret sperm donor father is George Soros and this was part of his long term plan to tarnish Conservatives… or so I heard from RedState….

  84. 84.

    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)

    @Yatsuno: It’s probably a male trait that we don’t notice the cray-cray until afterwards. Thinking with the wrong head and all.

  85. 85.

    Anoniminous

    … full of firebrand pluck … has the country in a tizzy.

    Yea, verily. She is the bee’s knees and the cat’s pajamas.

    (Who the heck talks like that?)

  86. 86.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Todd: teatards have ALWAYS been involved in this genre

    don’t even get me started on this dipshit housewife from Connecticut named Helen I got into an internet beef with back in 2002 over her mocking Asian people like the flat-scan, self-righteous hosebeast that she is

    nothing new, I’m afraid, Todd

  87. 87.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Villago Delenda Est: I’ve already read Gingrich’s Nazi fanfic. It was pretty bad, I guess. There was sexytimes in it. Also something something Nazis are a-skeered to land-invade US because 2nd amendment argle bargle.

  89. 89.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @cmorenc:

    consciously mocking the then-wildly successful prolific author of bad trashy pop-fiction, Jacqueline Susan?

    “Ah. The classics.”

  91. 91.

    dance around in your bones

    Ooooh, Danielle! Go with the wild, primitive ecstasy! Surrender the pink void! Get floated like a butterfly, stung wif a master bee!

    (Hmmm, a masterbee….)

  92. 92.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @Another Halocene Human:

    Oh gawd, he would do that. Yes, that’s exactly why we weren’t invaded by Nazis. People like Newt remind me of the old joke that could be paraphrased as:

    “Why are you opposing even the most rudimentary gun regulations?”
    “Because having no regulations keeps the Nazis from invading”.
    “There aren’t any Nazi forces within 65 years of here!”
    “See? It works!”

  93. 93.

    aimai

    @Amir Khalid: Hm, interesting idea. Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters? Isn’t the Bachmann/Bachmann marriage just one such mashup? Right Wing Political Falling Star married to Closeted Gay man? Do you get much more Sense and Sensible Shoes meets the Kraken than that?

  96. 96.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Neddie Jingo: I’ve had people in all seriousness argue to me that all that purple prose is tasteful. Of course, these were the same people who thought that literary fiction is a conspiracy cooked up by Big Publisher, the NEA, high school English Teachers, Jimmy Carter, and the Bilderberg Group.

  97. 97.

    JPL

    @Amir Khalid: Hmmm.. Makes one wonder what other countries are prevented from reading such a fine novel.
    In the olden days, it would have been banned in Boston.

  102. 102.

    aimai

    @Neddie Jingo: I used to read Harlequins, when I was a teenager. I was fascinated then by the clearly very strict cultural rules that differentiated the writing and the issues (such as they were) between Harlequin US and Mills and Boon (UK). For example there was an entire category of romances written by “Betty Neel” which when like this: English Nurse gets in trouble for some argle blargle reason and flees the cruelty of English Surgeons and ends up married to a wealthy Dutch Surgeon and struggling to find her way in Dutch society. Toothsome descriptions of almost literally Baroque amounts of wealth, Dutch domestic interiors, and gardens to follow. I mean the Betty Neel app had dozens of these nearly identical plots.

    Meanwhile: very few English heroines had any education at all while the US ones all were written for a college level (or aspiring ot have finished college) level heroine. In the UK “Scottish” men were considered practically bestial Tarzan types and Scotland stands in for a kind of fronteir where anything can happen. In the US there were lots more “dangerous” kinds of men. Things like that were fascinating–somewhere a style sheet, you know? Wish I could have got in on the editing for pay.

  103. 103.

    quannlace

    Are you sure this isn’t an entry to the The Bulwer-Lytton Contest?
    *******

    And why does everybody assume it’s based on Bachmann? Sounds much more like Palin.

  104. 104.

    Lazslo Anton Zapotec

    A film version of this book would find a wide audience on the Patrician Network’s late night “Porno for Plutocrats” channel. Throw in a Putin look-a-like having sexy time with the MB character you have a long running hit on that channel.

  105. 105.

    Another Halocene Human

    PROFANITY FOLLOWS but I couldn’t help myself

    @Yatsuno:
    I feel like cunny
    Is attracted to me
    Got the old girl buzzing
    Cuz I’m fly like a bee

  106. 106.

    Tokyokie

    Fires of Siberia? I’d rather see a Palin/Bachmann type involved in something like Fires on the Plains.

    And, judging from the cover art, even more miraculous than surviving the midair explosion, the characters did so with their clothing intact (a condition soon to be remedied, I’m sure). And their passion is so great it keeps them warm despite the -40F nighttime temperatures.

  110. 110.

    Enhanced Voting Techniques

    @Shortstop: Question for our straight male and lesbian readers, because I may be missing some appeal here: is the thought of ripping Bachmann’s bodice — while she stares at you with those crazy eyes and moans in that nasal voice — not the biggest cold shower ever?‘

    We men are pigs, end of discussion.

  112. 112.

    quannlace

    “There are no customer reviews yet.”
    *****

    Probably cause…..no customers.

  114. 114.

    Todd

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS):

    It’s probably a male trait that we don’t notice the cray-cray until afterwards. Thinking with the wrong head and all.

    In my experience, er, according to what I heard, when in a certain mood, cray-cray always seemed to be unburdened by inhibitions and was more inclined to move and experiment, more so than the average partner.

  118. 118.

    Neddie Jingo

    @aimai: I hope I’m not condescending when I recommend the Wikipedia article on the history of Harlequin? This thread has thrown me back into the memories of toiling for my crust of bread at the Harlequin salt mines, and I certainly wish I’d had the history at my fingertips back then — it’s at least somewhat heartening to know what you’re participating in. I’d no idea, for example, that Harlequin and Mills and Boon were intimately related; I’d always assumed that Harlequin was this side of the Atlantic and M&B were the other. Not so.

    Also, the rise of Silhouette and other specialized imprints coincided with my appearance on the scene; thus my heightened awareness of the varying degrees of salaciousness among them. Harlequin Presents titles could be relied on for relative filth and perhaps even a mention of a heroine’s moistened thigh, while the “regular” Harlequins were quite chaste by comparison.

    “Somewhere a styleguide” indeed. Tragically, they didn’t issue those to mere copyeditors, but I did once get to spend an evening curled up with the surprisingly thick volume of instruction on how to write a Hardy Boys mystery. Hell, Chubby Friend Chet was a chapter to himself.

  120. 120.

    eemom

    @Todd:

    In my experience, er, according to what I heard, when in a certain mood, cray-cray always seemed to be unburdened by inhibitions and was more inclined to move and experiment, more so than the average partner.

    Jaysus H. Kroost. How does it feel to be a living, breathing cliche?

  121. 121.

    Citizen_X

    @Bruce S:

    I look forward to the movie version starring Reese Witherspoon and Zach Galifanakis. Maybe Mel Brooks would like to direct.

    I would go see that, too. Mel, please, make it happen!

  122. 122.

    Todd

    @eemom:

    Jaysus H. Kroost. How does it feel to be a living, breathing cliche?

    I didn’t claim that it is right or that I’m proud of it. It was simply a fond weakness of mine.

  125. 125.

    bcinaz

    When they say “Michelle Bachmann-like figure” are they talking about someone with vacantly crazed eyes?

  126. 126.

    somethingblue

    Trapped in a wilderness of snow and ice, the two begin a journey that pushes Danielle to the brink. There she must confront her deepest self and choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy. All the while, Steadman harbors a terrible secret …

    Welcome to Ursula LeGuin’s long-awaited sequel, The Right Hand of Darkness.

  128. 128.

    Jackie

    Adrian McKinty does Irish Noir well
    I really loved.Kate Atkinson’s mysteries

  129. 129.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Yatsuno: My bad, I didn’t think that it might look like the warning was directed at you … we don’t usually drop Victorian porn slang on this blog so I thought … fair warning.

  134. 134.

    Fort Geek

    @dmsilev: “Trey” with his accent must be short for “Outre”–‘passing the bounds of what is usual or considered proper; unconventional; bizarre.’

    Fits!

  135. 135.

    LittlePig

    @Todd: It only takes a couple of tweaks to the formula, and they’re good to go.

    Jubal Harshaw Johnson is right!

  136. 136.

    LittlePig

    @MaximusNYC: “Her plane explodes over Siberia.” Not a problem — she should be able to see her house from there.

    My first cat-dislodging laugh of the day. Awesome.

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