Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

We won’t go back.

Let there be snark.

No one could have predicted…

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

Dead end MAGA boomers crying about Talyor Swift being a Dem is my kind of music. Turn it up.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

He really is that stupid.

This blog will pay for itself.

Everybody saw this coming.

Stop using mental illness to avoid talking about armed white supremacy.

I was confident that someone would point it out and thought why not me.

The willow is too close to the house.

Putin dreamed of ending NATO, and now it’s Finnish-ed.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Democrats have delivered the Square Deal, the New Deal, the Fair Deal, and now… the Big Joe Biden Deal.

When we show up, we win.

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

If you’re looking for someone who’s young and athletic, go watch a fucking movie.

You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Cat Blogging / He’s A Killer

He’s A Killer

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With FSM as my witness, Tunch trotted in about ten minutes ago and dropped a bird at my feet while I was sitting in the lazyboy working on the laptop on a tray table. I thanked him, then got a paper towel and threw the bird over the fence. Before I threw it, I checked, and it looked like this little bird was the victim of kitty violence, and had not died naturally. It also was not flattened, so that ruled out my “He fell on it” theory.

I’m gonna give him a vigorous furminating (he’s miserable with all this hair in the heat) and I may even have a little tuna for him.

What a good boy.

Reader Interactions

109Comments

  1. 1.

    cathyx

    A bird doesn’t elicit a good boy. They don’t harm anything. A mouse? Absolutely.

  2. 2.

    cathyx

    Throw it over the fence for the neighbor to deal with. If I were you’re neighbor, I’d put it in your mailbox.

  4. 4.

    bruins01

    One nine-word span contains two different spellings of the word “threw” in your post. You just don’t see that very often.

  5. 5.

    PsiFighter37

    I read an article in NYT a while back that said that cats kill billions(!) of animals a year. Not terribly surprising that Tunch turns out to have a dark side, one that doesn’t involve menacing looks, sitting on his fat ass, and eating your food when you’re not looking.

  7. 7.

    burnspbesq

    @bruins01:

    Which would be OK if he threw the dead bird through the fence. However, given the context, the Grammar Police are sending a SWAT team to Casa Cole.

  9. 9.

    srv

    Being pro-cat is like being pro-bird holocaust. Cats kill over a billion birds a year.

    You might as well call him Hitler, John.

  13. 13.

    cathyx

    My poor nephew got giardia. We couldn’t stop teasing him that he needed to eat more because he was eating for a few million.

  14. 14.

    muddy

    Clearly birds should seek the safety of the cat tower.

    ETA: get a budgie in a cage and put that up there!

  15. 15.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    Well, that’s an interesting pair of consecutive post titles.

  19. 19.

    srv

    Perhaps Tunch is establishing his own No Fly Zone, and dronz courtesy bombs are coming next.

  20. 20.

    p.a.

    @Violet: Tunch is just working his way up the food chain. Beware the unannounced Cole blogging moratorium in a year or two.

  22. 22.

    Bump on a Log

    Shouldn’t that be “Tunch waddled in…”?

    And while we’re on the subject, how about some pictures?

  23. 23.

    srv

    @Baud: Close, but the animals are metaphors for John’s blogging styles

    Tunch is the raging, drunken poetic Progressive
    Rosie is the mindless Republican
    Lily is the doe-eyed Obamabot

  24. 24.

    Old Dan and Little Ann

    I was cleaning up dog shit in my back yard the other day and found a headless bird. WTF!

  28. 28.

    geg6

    koda would catch a bird, if it was possible. Sadly, Labs are not as quick or silent as a cat and it does not work out well for her. She can’t seem to get the hang of the idea that she cannot fly and a frontal assault on a bird without the ability to fly simply won’t…fly.

    No matter how smart she is, her persistent optimism in her bird catching ability is what tells me that she is all dog. I wonder about that sometimes, but then she tries to catch a bird and I know she’s definitely dog.

  30. 30.

    Eric U.

    my dog is a rabbit killer, which is a good thing.

    We had a cat that was over 20 when he died. He would adopt a new family occasionally, but he would always check back in with us on a fairly regular basis. Last time I saw him, he had been mauled, probably by a dog. He had 3 working legs, was missing most of both ears, and I’m sure there were other problems. When I saw him, he was stalking a bird.

  33. 33.

    MikeJ

    @dedc79:

    Domestic cats are an ecological disaster for wild birds, killing billions of them.

    On the other hand, bird feeders bring populations well above carrying capacity. I figure my kitty entertainment center balances itself out.

  38. 38.

    Yatsuno

    @geg6: Labs are basically mini Newfies which have a side effect of affinity for hunting. I bet she could hold an egg in her mouth and not break it. They lurve birds, though she’s most likely to fun it to death.

  39. 39.

    schrodinger's cat

    Photos or it didn’t happen. I would sleep with one eye open if I were you. First the mustard disappears, then the bird dies, I wonder what’s going to happen next.

  40. 40.

    TaMara (BHF)

    I know there will be cries of Bird Killer and Bad Kitty because of this, but let’s face it, this is evolution in action. Any bird Tunch could catch and kill was not long for this world anyway. (That in no means diminishes my love and admiration for Tunch as cat and predator).

    And Tunch’s one bird per lifetime limit is not a real threat to any species.

  41. 41.

    Nemo_N

    OT: Anderson Cooper at my TV just told me that since those ricin letters were sent to Bloomberg and his gun control advocacy group, these are not terrorists threats but rather “political threats”.

  42. 42.

    Amir Khalid

    You could put up signs around your house:

    BIRDS BEWARE
    A CAT LIVES HERE

    I don’t know if it will help, but it couldn’t hurt to try.

  43. 43.

    Comrade Mary

    I once had a tabby who was VERY interested in mice. She camped out in front of the stove intently for several hours and finally wound up with a wee mouse.

    Which she lost. Then caught. Then lost again. Really, I don’t know if she was playing or just terribly, terribly inept. (Catnip is for closers, loser!)

    But before the mouse could be rescued by a resident human, the tubby little Siamese — the clumsy one, the one with no depth perception whatsoever — strolled in with a dead mouse in his mouth.

    Either the poor thing died of fright, or he sat on it.

    /pours one out for Tunch’s birdie

  44. 44.

    Chyron HR

    How come it’s okay for Tunch but not for a brave patriot like George Zimmerman, you hypocrite?

  45. 45.

    JPL

    @Nemo_N: According to google,
    ter·ror·ism
    /ˈterəˌrizəm/
    Noun
    The use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.

    Maybe Anderson is not familiar with google..

  49. 49.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Nemo_N:

    these are not terrorists threats but rather “political threats”.

    ::headdesk:: That’s not red; it’s scarlet.

  55. 55.

    pokeyblow

    Bunny just ran in front of my car. I was able to stop. Actually pretty impressed by brake performance.

  56. 56.

    Josie

    Tunch may not be guilty of anything more than finding the dead bird. This is the time of the year for young birds to fledge and try to leave the nest. Some leave a little early and just don’t make the cut. Every year at this time we find a few young birds who can’t get back to the nest and die from lack of food and/or exposure.

  57. 57.

    Comrade Mary

    @DCLaw1: Well, around her, your comment was kind of like saying, “Oh, yeah, air! I breathe that all the time!” But that reflects on John’s furminator evangelism more than you.

  61. 61.

    Violet

    @Josie: We’ve got baby doves on our front porch. Parents built a nest in a day–less, actually. Pretty soon they were there 24/7. About two weeks later, two baby birds peering out from the nest. Very cute. Annoying that they’re there on the front porch, but still cute.

  63. 63.

    Violet

    @schrodinger’s cat: Love that post. Tunch is so cute, playing with the Furminator package.

    Edit: And that thread has this classic John Cole comment:

    He isn’t that fat, damnit. I am going to give him a bath and take a picture of him wet so you all stop it.

    Uh huh.

  64. 64.

    MikeJ

    John Cole and Tunch have a master-servant relationship.

    Master-SERVANT. Master-STAFF. Don’t take it any further than that, Snerdley. I’m not going on, going there. I’m just telling you. Cole’s got the tuna; Tunch needs the tuna.

  66. 66.

    Josie

    @Violet: I love watching the baby birds grow up. We have baby sparrows, grackles and kiskadee flycatchers right now.

  67. 67.

    Heliopause

    John, sometimes a bird is not killed outright but is only in shock. if you put it on a safe, elevated place outside sometimes they recover in an hour or two and fly off. I’ve saved quite a few this way. Always make sure the bird is deceased before tossing it.

  68. 68.

    joes527

    @dedc79: but … but … but … no responsible cat owner would let his/her death machine outdoors to kill birds.

    Paging true Scotsman. True Scotsman needed on aisle 3 for dead bird cleanup.

  69. 69.

    catpal

    that’s a terrible Tunch story. poor birdie.

    I’m glad my little sweet kitty would never do that – mostly cause she is too afraid to go outside.

  70. 70.

    cbear

    @schrodinger’s cat:

    I would sleep with one eye open if I were you. First the mustard disappears, then the bird dies, I wonder what’s going to happen next.

    I’ve been telling Cole for years that he needs to invest in a good athletic cup. One dark and lonely night Tunch is gonna put 2 and 2 together and figure out where his sex drive went and Cole’s role in the unfortunate incident—-and he ain’t gonna be going for the eyes.

  71. 71.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Origuy:

    Good heavens! I believe I wrote that entry, at least the first sentence:

    Furminator – A patented pet-grooming device which, when properly employed, will generate a quantity of loose hair sufficient to weave a blanket, crochet an infant’s layette, or knit an entirely new cat.

    I never even knew it had made the Lexicon.

  73. 73.

    Felonius Monk

    Mustard! Yes, that is the question. Did said bird have a little schmer of mustard on him?

  75. 75.

    LesGS

    @geg6: My sister rescued a dog who had been living rough on a reservation last summer. Skinny, messed up hind leg, “female problems.” Sweet tempered, gentle with humans and other dogs. She didn’t have a name and my sister was working on what to call her. They were in my sister’s big back yard, and a bird swooped though, and that dog jumped up and nabbed it out of the air, crippled leg and all, and chomped it down before my sister could even react. Her name is now “Birdy.”

  76. 76.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    @jeffreyw: Adorableness in a puppeh suit! I hope Katie continues to do well post op.

  78. 78.

    raven

    The UGA Cat Cam.

    WELCOME! Kitty Cams research examined the nature of outdoor activities of owned cats by monitoring pets outfitted with “Kitty Cam” video cameras. Kitty Cams allow recording of a cat-eye view without disrupting behavior. We used Kitty Cams to investigate the activities of urban free-roaming cats in Athens, Georgia from Nov. 2010 -Oct. 2011, with goals for wildlife conservation and for improving the health and well-being of pet cats.

  80. 80.

    Mnemosyne

    I always find it kind of amazing that cats have been domesticated for at least 10,000 years but apparently it’s only now that they’re a menace to birds and bird kind. What, exactly, was the change? Do any of the studies explain why they were fine for the previous 10,000 years but now have started slaughtering entire species?

  81. 81.

    Mnemosyne

    @jeffreyw:

    Okay, the headline on that tab is:

    Puppies! | What’s 4 Dinner Solutions

    What kind of sick website are you and TaMara running, anyway?

  82. 82.

    schrodinger's cat

    So easy to blame the cats for disappearance of bird populations, while giving human beings a free pass. Yes cats are natural born killers of rodents and birds, but are they also responsible for deforestation and destruction of habitats of many species of birds. Blaming the cats for extinction of bird species is like conservatives blaming “illegals” for all the economic woes.

  85. 85.

    muddy

    I went to Amazon to look at the Furminators, and found this horrible cat torture sack.

    How can you groom the cat when it’s in a duffle bag? The zippered openings for each limb are funny though. I’m not sure Tunch would fit in this grooming sack anyway.

  97. 97.

    different-church-lady

    I thanked him, then got a paper towel and threw the bird over the fence.

    Odd… my little man only presents me with a bird long enough to prove he caught it. If I dare to actually attempt to pick the bird up, I will hear inhuman (infeline?) growling that would make a poltergeist shrink back in doubt. It’s all I can do to get him out of the house before he shakes the thing into a superfund site of feathers and guts.

  98. 98.

    geg6

    @LesGS:

    OMG, that’s a crazy story! No way Koda could manage that. She’s never been that desperate, though she acts like she has sometimes. And she goes after them with all the subtlety of a kick in the face. I’ll bet that dog was super cool about the whole thing. Koda goes full out, leaping and panting and tags jangling. I keep telling her that I’d take her off the leash if she’d cut it out, but she never listens. You’d think she’d take the hint from Otis, but you know how teenage bitches are. She’s not quite a teenager yet (a year and half old…that’s 10 people years), but she may be just developing early. I think she’s even barked “I hate you!” to me a couple of times. ;-)

  99. 99.

    gmann

    A table tray. . . Welcome back from the 60’s. . . You’ve just expanded my knowledge of your being a bachelor. . . Is that a touch of Old Spice I detect ? ? ?

  100. 100.

    Mnemosyne

    Speaking of hunting, I just walked into the living room to discover that Charlotte had managed to find a cam from the piece o’ crap Target etagere I built from the bathroom. And, knowing Charlotte and her obsession with shiny objects, I’m pretty sure that she had actually taken it and hidden it from me and only decided to take it out to play with when she thought I was leaving the apartment for a while. (I had actually just gone downstairs to bring G a bike repair tool.)

  101. 101.

    NickT

    That bird saw Tunch wheezing into pre-leap position and laughed so hard that its heart gave way.

  102. 102.

    Gus

    @Mnemosyne: Bird populations are already stressed by habitat destruction and pollution. Also, as human populations grow, so do cat populations. Feral cats from assholes who don’t get their cats fixed and don’t deal responsibly with the result and beloved pets are a just another nail in the coffin.

  103. 103.

    joes527

    @raven:

    It’s the great wheel of life.

    Player’s in the great wheel of life do not get to go inside when it is getting dark, or a tad chilly, or they hear a scary noise, and eat their friskies buffet.

    We have coyotes visit the neighborhood who do play the great wheel of life. Does your cat want to play?

  104. 104.

    Mnemosyne

    @Gus:

    That’s not what the claim is, though — the claim is that cats are an invasive species that is decimating bird populations worldwide all by themselves, not that they’re one of several factors in that decline. To me, the recent claims sound a whole lot like trying to shift the blame onto cats rather than looking at the other contributing factors.

    I’m also a little suspicious of the claims that feral cats are primarily hunting birds when rodents would be a more reliable food source, especially in urban areas.

  106. 106.

    Anne Laurie

    @muddy:

    How can you groom the cat when it’s in a duffle bag?

    Short answer: It’s for nail-trimming (thus the individaul paw access), ear mite / eye infection cleaning& drops, and if you have toddler siblings restraining the poor cat while you cut the bubble gum out of its fur. TBH that was forty years ago and I used a cheapo pair of supermarket pantyhose instead of a proper professional-grade ‘duffle bag’ but the concept is the same. An anxious cat, even one normally amenable to human handling, can fight hard enough to injure himself, much less the human trying to help him. Ask Tunch’s vet!

    If you need to do a full-body grooming, you stuff the cat in the sack & that gives you the chance to get the face-mask (“Mikki muzzle”) in place. A cat who can’t see will hunch up & let you cut out the bubble gum / clean off the road tar / shave down the felted mats without hacking into their skin — which is ridiculously easy — or sinking their claws & fangs into yours.

  107. 107.

    Nowhere_Girl

    consider yourself lucky that tunch doesn’t seem to be a serial killer – my outdoor brat has been on his annual spring killing spree for the past month and the bodies are piling up . . . .

  108. 108.

    Interrobang

    I didn’t see a citation in that PDF which claimed that domestic cats were responsible for the extinction of 33 bird species. I saw the claim, but no footnote or endnote to back it up.

    I’m kind of touchy on the subject, admittedly, because I have a cat I rescued from neighbours (at their insistence) whom I cannot train to be an indoor-only cat, at least not in my 1000sf house. I tried. He’s not housebroken, he’s housebreaking. My other cat stays inside all the time, though, as did my late cat, and any future cats I get will be indoors-only — I preferably won’t get them at a year and a half old, un-neutered, unvaccinated, and basically feral… I agree that indoors is the best place for a cat, and maybe when Monster Face gets a bit older and starts to slow down to the point where he won’t destroy my house or beat up on my other cat to the point of causing her serious anxiety we’ll try for the indoors-only thing again, or when I move to bigger quarters. *sigh*

    The little bugger has too much of a sweet deal going to want to be indoors all the time — he’s got at least two people on the block who feed him regularly, and another one who plays with him and gives him treats. The feline con artist must have a swell Poor Little Match Cat routine.

    He did bring me a bird once — alive and completely unharmed. When I said “If you want to come inside, you’ll have to put the bird down,” (assuming it was dead) he meowed at me and it flew out of his mouth and up into a tree. Someone upthread was saying something about a dog that could carry eggs…? :)

  109. 109.

    Catsy

    @dedc79:

    Un-owned cats, as opposed to owned pets, cause the majority of this mortality.

    Quote from the article you cited. Your own link does not support your assertion.

    I really wish anti-pet advocates would stop spreading this nonsense.

    @Mnemosyne:

    To me, the recent claims sound a whole lot like trying to shift the blame onto cats rather than looking at the other contributing factors.

    If you look at the actual data in the studies that breaks down what percentage of free-roaming cats responsible for predation were actually domestic pets rather than ferals, you’ll find that that’s exactly what they’re doing.

    There’s a definite anti-pet agenda that is no small part of this “cat holocaust” idiocy. Unfortunately the argument is just superficially plausible enough to fool otherwise well-meaning people.

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