I was watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith on cinemax, which is kind of a really awful movie and Jolie’s lips just look like grouper’s, and I left at the ending to walk the dogs. I left my house with the curtains open in the picture window and my front door was open, so everyone had a bird’s eye view into my living room.
Walked a couple blocks and headed back home after we all pooped and peed (well, not me), and to my horror, as I approached my house, I saw that Mr. and Mrs. Smith had ended, and I was now broadcasting soft core porn through my front window, because Skinemax had switched to “Sexy Wives Sinsation” while I was gone, and there was a threesome involving two women with plastic breasts grinding on some guy in full view of anyone who walked by my house.
God damnit.
Todd
Cole, go full hardcore. Nobody will look through your windows ever again.
The Snarxist Formerly Known as Kryptik
@Todd:
I was about to suggest the same thing, except instead put on any Ann Coulter appearance ever.
Corner Stone
You don’t actually exist, do you Cole?
NickT
Somewhere in the long grass, eemom is weeping for the loss of her illusions about you.
NotMax
Gives new meaning to the term Welcome Wagon.
sun tzu
Now is the perfect time to consider Boxee, Hulu, Netflix, or whatever. Only fools and maybe diehard live sports fans (oops!) still have cable.
Antenna, the innertubes, and a strategic hack or 3 and you are free to . . . watch anything.
Ur welcome
ruemara
Shut your slut bucket. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is delicious fun. And as long as your neighbors don’t mind, perhaps you’re helping encourage the next generation of WV sprouts.
Nicole
I think this is my favorite post of yours, ever.
This is why our television faces away from our window. Though it’s not fear about neighbors catching us watching Skinemax; it’s self-consciousness over my great love of reruns of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.
NickT
Poor old Cole, what with hitting on random MILFs in the supermarket and broadcasting smut to the neighborhood, it must have been a helluva tough day in paradise.
cmorenc
Good thing passers-by only saw the soft-core stuff, and not your personal hard-core porn stash you have in the dvr queue. If the hard-core stuff had come on, it would have folks wondering about what goes on when you have a bunch of guests over, and just what kind of guests you invite.
srv
You should draft a regulation at the planning commission that curtains must be closed after flesh hour.
cmorenc
John, I’d be more worried about forgetting to close the blinds before indulging one of your late-night nude mopping fetishes.
Comrade Dread
I doubt anyone is staring into your home. And if they are, well, look on the bright side, at least you’ll never be asked to babysit a neighbor’s kid.
Thoughtcrime
John,
Not to be creepy and stalkerish, but do you think your smoking hot 40 friend from the produce section might have passed by and saw you and your “Sexy Wives” as you were going back into your house?
Hey, she might be into that kind of thing. You never know.
NickT
@Comrade Dread:
John should probably be grateful he didn’t get home to find the local teabaggers camped out on his lawn and demanding more free porn nights for hardworking Americans.
muddy
Probably pretty safe at this hour. What if you came back and a group was watching through the window? Would you invite them in to see the rest of it, and serve snacks?
Spaghetti Lee
Does Tunch know how to work the remote?
NotMax
Late 70s. Driving for the first and only time across northern Wisconsin, at night.
Road winding along the mountains.
Rounded a curve and there, just below, was a HUGE screen at a drive-in. Showing a triple-X flick.
Rachel in Portland
@Thoughtcrime: That’s what I was going to say.
ulee
This sounds like another made up story. I’m beginning to wonder about you, Cole.
Jerzy Russian
You left the TV and lights on when you went outside? No wonder there is an energy crisis.
Triumph
Well, it could have been worse. Facejam could have come on instead of whatever lame title that was.
piratedan
could have been worse, Tunch could have changed the channel to Fox News
Redshirt
Oh, 2300, when Cinemax transforms to Skinemax and teenage boys across the land delight.
Bruce S
This was pretty good cover for the fact that you obsess over your peppercorns. At least now your neighbors think you’re more interesting than you actually are.
thoughtcrime
@NotMax:
In NorCal, just off of HW 101, there used to be a drive-in at the Marin/Sonoma County border that showed XXX movies. It was operating in the ’70s and was called something like the SonoMarin.
? Martin
Being in WV, you really should put the interracial gay porn on for lulz.
@NotMax:
Waiting in the line at the drive through because daughter was sleeping in the back seat (I never use the drive through) and the pickup truck in front of me has a couple of dues watching hardcore porn on the flip-down display.
Maybe I’m a prude (I’m certainly not a pickup owner) but I really can’t envision picking up a buddy of mine, heading over to In-N-Out, and suggesting we watch some porn together on the drive.
Redshirt
@? Martin: You’re not a Real ‘Murican, either. Co-incidence? Not.
NotMax
@? Martin
In-N-Out is apropos.
For gay porn, suppose so too is Five Guys.
As for when the server gives you your change and cheerily advises to “Come again!”, well…
Benno
In light of your follow-up post on making shit up: this is a totally believable post, all you idiots calling John Cole a liar. When I read “I was watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith on Cinemax” in my mind I immediately shouted “SKINEMAX!!!” C’mon, people…have you never watched Cinemax in your lives? There’s a reason I hear “skinemax” every time I read “cinemax.”
B. Lehmann
Anyone who looks in an other person’s window doesn’t have the right to be offended. Privacy trumps modesty.
mai naem
I used to subscribe to skinemax because it’s good deal with HBO. I would rather have SHO but I refuse to pay for HBO and SHO. Anyhow, I stopped skinemax because it seemed like all it had was freaking porn. The other stuff was old stuff that was either on HBO or regular cable channels. Anyhow, one of the rooms we have a teevee in is in the front of the house and I have a bad habit of leaving the teevee on and, yeah, I’ve done the same thing except I was much more careful in closing the drapes in the PM after doing that a couple of times.
Randy P
You missed the ending, which is kind of cute.
I guess I have a low threshold for entertainment, because I thought that movie was a lot of fun. That plus the Tomb Raider movies made me decide I like Angelina Jolie action flicks for mindless entertainment.
PaulW
I still have cable because I’m in one of those communities that doesn’t have fiber optic. Yet.
And Cole, next time? Don’t leave the house with your electronics on. Conserve, baby, conserve! (turns off the leg-lamp from FRA-GIL-E).
Mardam
there was a threesome involving two women with plastic breasts grinding on some guy in full view of anyone who walked by my house.
What’s your address again, John?
Matt
Have you ever considered, y’know, maybe turning the TV off when you weren’t watching it?
RevRick
This is why I always use the incognito window when surfing Balloon Juice.
Joy
Now this cracked me up! And BTW, I still look in windows when I’m walking the dog. I think I inherited the trait from my granny.
nemesis
Likely story. Ill have to remember it for future use.
nemesis
Likely story. Ill have to remember it for future use.
Svensker
Thank you. I guess she came by hers naturally (her dad’s lips look like grouper’s, too) but this puffy lip fad is driving me insane. Young kids look sweet with puffy lips, older folks look like groupers. Step away from the injections, folks!
aimai
Hysterical. I’m sorry I missed this last night. Its quite surprising just how soft core regular movies are, actually. We have a big tv on our first floor and I was watching something perfectly ordinary and then realized that from the street, if schoolchildren were passing by, this was going to look pretty obscene.
Zapruder F. Mashtots, D.D.S. (Mumphrey, et al.)
This kind of shit is why I love you. I don’t care what anybody else says, just keep on being you.
kindness
John, the really big question about this:
Where the women smokin’ hot? That’s all we really want to know.
Violet
@aimai: I was in my car and behind a large SUV that had the video monitors in the back seat. Because it was night, I could see what they were watching. I don’t know if it was p0rn, but it definitely involved naked people. Impossible not to see given the circumstances. Not sure if the driver was aware.
One who was aware was the guy on a plane next to me. He was watching something on his laptop. At one point I glanced over and saw naked people doing sexy time stuff. He noticed me glancing at the screen and turned the laptop away from me and huddled down into the side of the plane (he had the window seat). Dude, don’t watch p0rn on the plane in coach seats!
Persia
@PaulW: I can’t believe us tree-huggers got to post 35 before someone said it. But seriously, this. Turn your TV off, Tunch didn’t care how the movie ended either.
Ruckus
What a sad country when the thought of a not even naked body is disturbing. That there are people who can’t stand the idea that the human form is entertaining. And that we like to look at it. OK maybe not all of them but still. I remember seeing a full frontal poster for Channel #5 in the window of a drugstore in Denmark in the 70’s. And yes she looked good. And this across the street from a grammar school. Yes I sure am glad we still manage to hang on to so many of the backwards attitudes from the 19th century, here in the good ole USA. Nothing like traditional values are there?