Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

The snowflake in chief appeared visibly frustrated when questioned by a reporter about egg prices.

Trump’s cabinet: like a magic 8 ball that only gives wrong answers.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

Weird. Rome has an American Pope and America has a Russian President.

Washington Post Catch and Kill, not noticeably better than the Enquirer’s.

This country desperately needs a functioning fourth estate.

The fight for our country is always worth it. ~Kamala Harris

The willow is too close to the house.

We will not go back.

Well, whatever it is, it’s better than being a Republican.

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

People are weird.

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

One lie, alone, tears the fabric of reality.

“In the future, this lab will be a museum. do not touch it.”

Many life forms that would benefit from greater intelligence, sadly, do not have it.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

We will not go quietly into the night; we will not vanish without a fight.

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

Let me file that under fuck it.

How stupid are these people?

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

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Another Open Thread

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What the fuck do the Penguins have to do to fucking score?

Thank allah I have company to be here in case I have the big one and go to join Elizabeth.

Double OT.

The animals are taking to Aaron:

moreproof

We were pre-gaming earlier before the start, and I looked at myself in the patio window, looked over at Aaron, surveyed our dispositions, and realized we are fat Stadler and Waldorf.

Reader Interactions

109Comments

  1. 1.

    max

    What the fuck do the Penguins have to do to fucking score?

    Put the biscuit in the basket?

    If Rask was playing for the Pens they might be unstoppable.

    max
    [‘If the Bruins lose and anybody gives Rask any crap, they should be slapped.’]

  6. 6.

    Jay

    “Thank allah I have company to be here in case I have the big one and go to join Elizabeth.”

    Esther, you mean?

  7. 7.

    Mnemosyne

    @Comrade Mary:

    I think I’ve probably seen every episode of “Sanford & Son,” and I’m a girl. Maybe it’s an American thing.

    Of course, I did have four older brothers who would wrestle the remote away from me to watch what they wanted, so maybe I picked up their taste in TV.

  8. 8.

    Mnemosyne

    @Jay:

    Nope, Esther was Fred’s sister-in-law (Elizabeth’s sister). I had to double-check IMDB.

  13. 13.

    Spaghetti Lee

    John, what’s that white powdery-looking stuff on the couch leg? Did you have Rob Ford over for dinner?

  14. 14.

    Felonius Monk

    surveyed our dispositions, and realized we are fat Stadler and Waldorf

    Wow — I am speechless.

  18. 18.

    Comrade Mary

    @Mnemosyne: No, I wasn’t confessing ignorance — I watched it over its first run! — but just trying to educate the babes.

  20. 20.

    Roger Moore

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    John, what’s that white powdery-looking stuff on the couch leg?

    Stuffing, poking through were His Floofiness has scratched through the upholstery. Any cat person can identify that.

  28. 28.

    Redshirt

    Tunch is seriously several sacks worth of lard, isn’t he? And that’s the reason he never went up his funtime jungle adventure platform thing, right? Morbid obesity.

    Or is it the big bones?

  29. 29.

    Mnemosyne

    Man, even NewsMax’s headlines are making Grassley sound whiny:

    Sen. Grassley: Obama Hasn’t Called in Four Years

  30. 30.

    Crza

    What the hell, Pittsburgh. I was hoping to see Iginla finally get a championship this year, but more and more it looks like they’ve hit a brick wall.

  34. 34.

    Mnemosyne

    @Diana:

    That was Amir Khalid’s favorite, too, in the thread below. I believe his fuzzy owner’s name is Bianca.

  35. 35.

    max

    OK Cole, remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!

    I feel bad for Vokoun – 38 of 40 stops ought to give you a win.

    max
    [‘Penguins offense could not pass to save their lives.’]

  36. 36.

    ronin122

    And there goes the game. I don’t think anyone honestly thought Boston had a shot of sweeping the Pens, but it’s looking likelier now.

  41. 41.

    NickT

    Well, I think you can say that both sides were excellent tonight and neither deserved to lose. Still, them’s the breaks.

  44. 44.

    Comrade Mary

    What the fuck do the Penguins have to do to fucking score?

    The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.

    Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

    “Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?”

    “No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall.”

    “Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn’t have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?”

    “I’m afraid not. Why do you ask?”

    “No reason.” Pause. “Positive? Nobody in a habit that’s about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?”

    “I’m sure.”

    “Okay.”

    Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.

    “What’d he say? What’d he say?” chant the other six dwarfs.

    Grumpy says, “He said they don’t have any.”

    And the other six start chanting, “Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!”

  46. 46.

    rda909

    @Mnemosyne: How do they have a Clinton “pet” post without a picture of Monica Lewinsky?!? I mean that cool guy with his cool pets and his great, totally NOT dysfunctional family of three, was posing for those BEAUTIFUL pictures in that fantastic sweater, then going to get a b.j. and more from an intern in that same building later. Boy will be boys, right…say no more…know what I mean? Unlike our current Chicago Machine creepy family that has their ugly little dog with that BLACK CURLY HAIR. I mean, the nerve of THOSE PEOPLE?!?

    President Hillary Clinton can’t come fast enough for Andrew Kaczynski and Buzzfeed, and “we” can be rid of this Obummer loser and get back to the good old days! Oh, and go Pens!

  48. 48.

    Spaghetti Lee

    Did I miss a thread on the violentacrez unmasking? I figure that would produce some good ol’ Balloon Juice invective.

  49. 49.

    TaMara (BHF)

    I suppose this would be a bad time to say I’m a hockey fan because of the Bruins. My brother even had a Bobby Orr lamp in his room. I had the poster.

  50. 50.

    Mnemosyne

    @rda909:

    Dude. Calm down. It’s pet pictures.

    And this may be my bias as a cat owner, but I do still think that Socks is cuter than Bo. I mean, Bo’s cute for a dog, but he’s still a dog.

  52. 52.

    MikeJ

    @Diana: #20 and #19 are my faves, because that’s how Schatzi used to sit on me during the Clinton era.

    Somewhere in a box I have a button from the inauguration with “Socks – First Cat” and a cartoon drawing of him.

  55. 55.

    mouse tolliver

    @Comrade Mary:

    For the babes among us who are wondering about the big one and Elizabeth: NOT PORN.

    Also, too. “The big one” is what Kirstie Alley’s ex-husband Parker Stevens used to give her before their marriage went bust.

  58. 58.

    Redshift

    @Redshirt:

    Tunch is seriously several sacks worth of lard, isn’t he? And that’s the reason he never went up his funtime jungle adventure platform thing, right? Morbid obesity.

    If you’ll remember, in the same post where Tunch refuses to go up on the platform, JC talked about how he jumps up on the table to get his dinner. That points to cat dickishness, not obesity, as being the cause.

  59. 59.

    andrew long

    What the fuck do the Penguins have to do to fucking score?

    Um, hire Shane Stant?

  60. 60.

    rda909

    @Mnemosyne: Yes, the White House “Golden Age” just happened to be when the Clintons were there. Understood. I must say pic # 3 is quite cute though.

  61. 61.

    NickT

    http://jezebel.com/alabama-republican-senator-claims-he-is-being-stalked-b-511505792

    Attention Facebook: This is Heather McGill (senator McGills wife) for anyone that does not know that. This may go viral and if so my prayer is that it strengthens marriages and families across this district, our state, and our country! I am very blessed to be the wife of a God fearing, hard working, ministry minded, loving father and husband and it is not just my right but my duty to lovingly serve him by protecting him! I have been silent for long enough!! NO MORE! Multiple times since being in office he has gotten emails from women (who may not even be real) inviting him to explore, also sending pictures of themselves. NO MORE!!!

  69. 69.

    Mnemosyne

    @Redshirt:

    It was a more innocent time.

    No, seriously, I actually heard some idiot say that one time. It made me realize that the mythical “more innocent time” is always the speaker’s childhood, no matter what happened during that time.

  73. 73.

    NickT

    @Suffern ACE:

    Oh I don’t know about that. The scene where the guy talks about how these strippers just show up at his house out of nowhere is pretty darn funny.

    According to Sen. Shadrack McGill, the cyber-soliciting wasn’t even the worst thing to happen to him:

    During the campaign, we had two strippers come to my house at 1 o’clock in the morning. Me and my wife both got up to address the situation. They did inform me that they were strippers at a particular club in Huntsville.
    On another occasion, McGill came across a woman in the parking lot of his place of work. According to Raw Story:

    “She thought she had a flat tire and wanted her tire looked at, but she did not have a flat tire,” he said, adding that the woman’s business card indicated that she was a stripper.

  75. 75.

    different-church-lady

    What the fuck do the Penguins have to do to fucking score?

    Play a different team.

    You’re welcome.

  77. 77.

    rda909

    @Mnemosyne: Not mad at all. I often appreciate your contributions in the rare times I stop by here, and I love the pics of Socks. For real.

    Andrew K and Buzzfeed on the other hand, annoy me often with their insane and hypocritical Obama-bashing, yet Hillary and Bill love-ins. Just like “former” Republican Arianna Huffington. I’ve felt this way long before this pet post. Gotta wonder why that happens so much around the Intertubes….Hmmmm….

  79. 79.

    Phoenician in a time of Romans

    What the fuck do the Penguins have to do to fucking score?

    Well, it depends on species, but generally a plumage display by the male followed by a mating dance does the trick. Are you planning on shagging one?

  80. 80.

    Ash Can

    @NickT: Nobody named “McGill” should be that fucking stupid.

    Signed,

    Ash Can
    McGill Faculty of Arts 1979

    And speaking of intellectual pursuits, THIS, BECAUSE OF AWESOME (via Buzz Aldrin’s Twitter, via in turn the comments at LGF).

  81. 81.

    NickT

    What the fuck do the Penguins have to do to fucking score?

    Either take up a different sport, or move to Antarctica with the largest barrel of cheap booze they can find.

  82. 82.

    Suffern ACE

    @rda909: well to be fair to Ariana, she became a democrat because Al Gore pissed her off. It’s kind of like me becoming a republican so I could vote against Romney. Her political instincts are a bit off.

  84. 84.

    Suffern ACE

    @NickT: no one has ever sent unwanted strippers to my house. Not even a randy pizza delivery boy who can’t make change but would do anything to make it up to me.

    I don’t know whether I feel disappointed or fortunate.

  85. 85.

    gene108

    @NickT:

    Mrs. Shadrack McGill, denial is not just a river in Egypt.

    I think Mr. McGill has some ‘splainin’ to do about not already unfriending these hussies.

  86. 86.

    Mnemosyne

    @rda909:

    I have to admit, I have no idea who Andrew K is, and I don’t go to Buzzfeed very often. Just saw pet pictures and posted them.

  88. 88.

    Roger Moore

    @MikeJ:

    Unwanted stripper? Qu’est-ce que c’est?

    They’re the kind that makes your wife tell you to sleep on the couch.

    ETA: Though you’d think a guy named Shadrack could handle the heat…

  89. 89.

    Yatsuno

    Sheesh. I light the signal, she acknowledges, but does she make an appearance? NNOOOO!!!

  90. 90.

    Suffern ACE is a Basset Hound

    @Roger Moore: I’d have a difficult time transitioning to political life. I’d start to worry that any attractive people I ran into were sent by my opposition to ensnare me in a honey trap. What would fear of attractive people be called?

  93. 93.

    rda909

    @Mnemosyne: Young Andy is the ace reporter who penned that article for Buzzfeed. He seems to be one of the VIPs there. He’s of the Obama Sux variety on his average days, and “Both sides do it” on his good days, and seems to lurve those Clintons! Go figure. Readers of Buzzfeed must not know of the myriad of accomplishments of the Obama Admin, and young cub Andrew is happy to make sure of it. Seriously though, thanks for the kitty pix!

  100. 100.

    MattR

    @The prophet Nostradumbass: You can go here for the full set. That question is #95. If you click on the “individual” tab it will show you maps of the frequency of each of the top 4 options. For the vast majority of the country it looks like at least 35-40% answered NYC with a large chunk in the 50% range and right around NYC being significantly higher. You can choose an individual city to see the percentages there. I don’t see anything that shows percentages for the entire country, but I bet the Business Insider folks had access and the number is just above 50%

    @MikeJ: Maybe that was the 5th most popular answer.

    Between the fact that I think The City refers to NYC and that Mary, marry and merry have three different pronunciations you can narrow down where I live pretty well (although my choice of hero over sub would throw people off a bit)

  101. 101.

    MattR

    @MattR: I think my favorite tidbit was that the top answer in the Dakotas for “What do you call a traffic situation in which several roads meet in a circle and you have to get off at a certain point?” is “I have no word for this”. Having spent a little time driving those roads, I can understand why traffic circles, or roundabouts, would be a completely foreign concept to someone born and raised there..

  102. 102.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    @MattR: It’s funny to me how the two places with the highest percentage of “New York” are New York State and South Florida. I’m not surprised that the percentage is around zero for California, where the most likely answers are, in descending order, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego.

    ETA: For me, growing up, “The City” definitely meant San Francisco.

  105. 105.

    rda909

    @David Koch: Hilarious. So that little twitchy twit was a college student still 1-2 years ago, and he’s brought onto national TV shows to speak as an expert? He “realized the influence I could have on the process” by re-linking a video of a politician dancing at a block party with his constituents, and someone how that hurts the politicians, a la the Dean Scream (TM)? His “sources are YouTube, AOL Video…” etc.?!? Seems like this Republican shill has been in wingnut welfare training for a while now, and they’ve unleashed another one out into the wild.

    So Andrew Buzzfeed was promoting the Clintons with his pet thing, and Newt, Rupert Murdoch, Arianna Huffington and other Republicans are all out publicly calling for Hillary to run. Makes one wonder why Republicans promote Hillary so much.

  106. 106.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @NickT: FTW.

    Just FTR, I recently waded into a copy of Iain M. Banks’ SF novel Inversions (1998) & discovered this passage at the top of p. 72:

    It was a five-day later, I think, that the Doctor was called to the Slave Master Tunch

    And three pages later:

    The Slave Master Tunch had, by repute, always been a big man. He was bigger now.…

    .

    How a propos, since Cole is clearly in thrall to the White Semi & his coterie of canine assistants…

  107. 107.

    Uncle Cosmo

    FTR, all you Pittsburgh-area Juicers (or economic refugees from same) should be aware that the Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Ravens were the guests of President Obama at the White House yesterday, and will be receiving their Super Bowl XLVII Championship Rings in a private ceremony Friday evening, probably about the time the Bears & Nuns face off in Beantown.

    Bottom line: If Boston sweeps you can probably officially write off the 7-day period starting last Saturday night as This Week From Hell In Pittsburgh Sports History..

  108. 108.

    Apsalar

    I met Socks the cat once. I did a White House tour when I was in high school, and he’d gotten downstairs, and a Secret Service agent was taking him back upstairs as we walked by. We were allowed to pet but not hold him. He seemed used to it.

  109. 109.

    steverino

    @MattR:
    From NJ, I always called them traffic circles. Now in CT, here they are called rotarys, I always thought. But a new one replaced a traffic signal on my commute, and it is called a roundabout, being smaller and somehow different than a rotary.

    And the “yield to traffic in the circle” concept is a recent one in CT, too: there is a rotary en route to one of the Indian casinos, and there were issues with tourists until the new rule was adopted.

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