So I’m sitting here, half drunk with a fresh vodka tonic in a pint glass with so much ice the glass it is sweating enough that I have to tamp the coaster every now and then with a napkin, having eaten what was supposed to be celebratory dinner of corn, tomatoes, and leftover stuffed portabellos, sitting my fat ass in a lounge chair in a comfortable house, with two healthy dogs I was rich enough to pay 300 the other day for their annual check-up and frontline and heartguard, and I am sitting here being miserable about how much my life sucks because my team lost, and in the back of my head I heard a part of me say:
“You are the most worthless piece of shit ever.”
I’m like a bad Louis CK routine 24/7.
At least I’m self-aware enough to recognize what an entitled, privileged, white douche-bag I really am.
And I love that WordPress just gave me a red line underneath douchebag to let me know that the correct spelling is douche-bag.
Comrade Mary
We call it “sack of shower” up here.
The Dangerman
Douchebag or shit; it’s an enema, er, enigma.
Cacti
I’m opposed to warrantless wiretaps.
Good thing what the NSA was doing was neither warrantless nor a wiretap.
(ducks)
Laertes
Hey guys? Let a fat privileged middle-aged white guy recognize his privilege without feeling the need to hold an intervention, okay? It’s not a cry for fucking help every time one of us disgusting middle-aged white guys expresses a healthy amount of self-loathing. It doesn’t mean we’re gonna open a fucking vein.
(No, nobody’s done it yet. But I’m in this thread early, and someone is ferdamshur GOING to.)
Spaghetti Lee
WordPress is a douchebag.
Violet
How’s that health kick going? Vodka tonic part of the diet? If so, count me in but make mine gin.
You are very lucky and so are your pets.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@Spaghetti Lee: And a douchebag with poor spelling skills.
max
I am sitting here being miserable about how much my life sucks because my team lost
It’s OK John. The Pens really did suck out there, totally unexpectedly, and I’m not surprised you’re bummed, especially with the depressant you’re consuming. That’s normal. Tomorrow afternoon or so, ya know, shut the fuck whiner, but tonight, no big deal.
At least I’m self-aware enough to recognize what an entitled, privileged, white douche-bag I really am.
Enh. If you want to hair shirt it, go deliver meals on wheels to crazy old ladies with hoarding issues or something. Otherwise, even the self-abnegation is pointless.
max
[‘Enjoy your perfectly normal wallowing, and then, get over it.’]
smintheus
The correct spelling is Crosby.
Xboxershorts
You could always try rooting for the Sabres
kmeyerthelurker
Hockey Shmockey. We want more Zsa-zsa updates!
FlipYrWhig
@Xboxershorts: Wasn’t it the Sabres who at one point had two players, Zitnik and Zmelik, a/k/a Shitty and Smelly?
srv
John, just because all us white privileged guys were born on third base does not mean it was easy for us to get to home plate.
Lotta work running a straight line with both hands full of alcohol.
windpond
Without Cole and Balloon Juice – I’m nothing. I love this blog.
Dupe70
Yes but my team won last night. So… Go Spurs!!
Suzanne
I love you, Cole, even when you piss me off.
Hell, who am I kidding? ESPECIALLY when you piss me off.
trollhattan
We had a wannabe Adam Lanza today, and nobody more than half-noticed even after the presidential motorcade had to reroute around the scene. It’s becoming background noise, like Baghdad bombings.
http://www.sacbee.com/2013/06/07/5479971/gunman-shoots-at-vehicles-near.html#storylink=cpy
eemom
And in fact, even more so than most, in that the typical EPWDB does not command a 24/7 audience of sycophants who will instantly rush to respond to a post like this with assurances of what a not EPWDB you are, at any hour of the day or night.
‘s ok though Cole. All part of your charm.
MikeJ
@trollhattan: Perhaps if he’d been in La Jolla, home of the car elevators, *then* it could be a tragedy.
jamick6000
who gets annual check ups for a fucking *dog*? it’s a dog. if it gets sick, take it to the vet. if whatevers wrong is expensive to fix, have it put down if it’s in pain. then get another one if you want.
all this pampering of animals is just emotional masturbation, pathetic and empty.
? Martin
@trollhattan: We noticed. Locked down a few offices. We’ve got a list of threats of violence issued against us, so we always wonder if it isn’t one of our friends.
Amir Khalid
I don’t get a sense of “entitled, privileged, white douche-bag” from this post. On the other hand, “sports fan wallowing in disappointment” …
Spaghetti Lee
@jamick6000:
Boy, did you pick the wrong blog to say this.
jamick6000
@Spaghetti Lee: hahahah i know
MikeJ
@Spaghetti Lee: Nah, trolls are welcomed here.
cckids
@jamick6000:
people who can afford it & care about their animals. FOAD, asshole.
techno
Tuukka Rask only let in two goals in four games. It’s hockey—hot goaltenders are part of the variable. No need to get all emotional about it. The Pens are a fun team to watch. Rask was freaking incredible to watch.
What’s not to like. The hockey has been beyond superb this spring. The Hawks / Wings series was one for the ages.
MikeJ
When it comes to sports the only thing that matters is:
Red Sox 37 – 24 .607 –
Yankees 35 – 25 .583 1.5 Games back
Laertes
@trollhattan:
Wait. What the fuck? I LIVE in Santa Monica and I hadn’t heard about this.
jamick6000
@cckids: good move bozo, spend all your money and give your love to an animal that will rip the meat off your face the minute after you croak.
cckids
@jamick6000: Ya, my Pomeranian is a real killer. He contributes more to a peaceful world every day than you will in your sorry life.
jamick6000
@cckids: ah, an annoying little yappy dog, an ankle-biter — perfect match for its owner.
? Martin
Sounds like GG got the PRISM thing almost completely wrong. It’s sounding like what I suspected yesterday is actually correct:
So, unlike phone records where are relatively standardized, online data is structured uniquely to each service. Collecting it without knowing the structure is a mess. So, the company builds a special portal that has the same data structure as the live services. When the government subpoenas some data from the service, they simply sync it (in realtime) from the live servers to the portal. The government can then only see the data they’ve subpoenaed.
That’s the kind of thing you can do for $20M, and frankly, it’s a better way of dealing with the subpoena than pretty much any other I can think of offhand. Now, it leaves open the question of how broad that subpoena process is, which is definitely worth questioning, but it can’t be very broad if it’s running on $20M a year.
And I still don’t know why that presentation links to an FAA program named PRISM. I still think someone got punked on this.
Mark
which model of the Peguleut salt and pepper grinding shakes are the awesome ones?
er, the awesome two?
sorry, scotch grammar
jamick6000
i’m going to take an animal that eats poop to the doctor.
cckids
@jamick6000: Wow, pie away! I’m not into pig-arguing. Enjoy your solitary, miserable evening.
? Martin
@Laertes: Uh, Santa Monica isn’t very large. It’s only about 8 sq miles. I can’t imagine there’s a part of Santa Monica where you couldn’t have hear the whole racket.
Amir Khalid
@Mark:
Corrected for you at no charge.
YellowJournalism
@jamick6000: Really? So, when is your check-up?
poptartacus
chill out, the pengies will lose to the mighty kings, but what the hey.
Stay Strong
Frisco Strong
YellowJournalism
@trollhattan: Funny enough, it was Fox News that seemed to cover this the most out of the big three cable networks this afternoon.
Jay
“I’m like a bad Louis CK routine 24/7.”
This seems like the type of site that would attract alot of Dr. Katz fans. I’ve been at least a daily skimmer of Balloon Juice since 2007, and I haven’t seen it celebrated.
I believe you can see every episode free on YouTube.
Classic.
Aquaman: “Hi, fish!”
Fish: “Hi, Aquaman!”
-From a Dave Chappelle bit on the show.
NotMax
So instead of late night lambasting the commenters and visitors, you’re now lambasting yourself?
Kudos is due friend Aaron.
poptartacus
you are a dirty animal
? Martin
America, Fuck Yeah!
poptartacus
that’s mean
YellowJournalism
@Jay: Inwent through a phase where I wished I was as cooly detached from life as Laura the receptionist seemed to be on that show. I never knew that it was computer animated until years later when I read an article about “South Park’s” animation process. There was a reference to Squigglevision.
poptartacus
right on , san ofay is shutting down. For good. Nucs never lived up to its promise. When the frist fusion plant opens with room temp. superconducting. Then life will be good
Odie Hugh Manatee
@? Martin:
GG has headed off into black helicopter territory but now choppers are flying all over the world destroying freedom!
The black helicopters are laughing at him.
Amir Khalid
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
Glenn Greenwald is a Guardian reporter now? Since when?
MikeJ
BTW, I know I mentioned it earlier, but goddam is sports night a good show. For as much love as West wang gets around here, people should be bowing down and worshiping Sports Night. I don’t think I’ve seen it since it aired in 1998, but it’s better than I remembered.
MikeJ
@Amir Khalid:
Engerland has a weird distinction between reporters and columnists and
subalternssub editors. I worked at one of the great dailies (in a non journalistic role) and never did figure their shit out.Matt Smith
Voices in the back of your head, John? You might should get that checked out. I think there’s a V-Code for sports game-triggered psychotic episodes.
piratedan
@Odie Hugh Manatee: cue the GG appearances this Sunday which will mostly consist of the following:
hey c’mon now! It’s a helluva scoop! A Total fucking fabrication but hey, I’m pure! I’m also an example of the new New York Times Centrist, I’m white, I write florid prose and I’m anti-Obama. I’ve never failed to support the President when he’s right and as soon as that happens, I’ll let you know.
Narcissus
Dude, that’s the lying a-hole voice of depression. I know that guy.
He’s just trying to trick you. I don’t know why he does it, he just does.
Bill E Pilgrim
I’m not sure people are groking this. Cole is saying that the voice said “You’re a douchebag for feeling like your life is worthless because a sports team that you’re a fan of lost a game, despite the (drink, dinner, pets, general level of income, comfort and charmed life that not that long ago virtually anyone outside of Louis IV could only dream of and even now puts you in a small percentile at the top in terms of the world), so lighten up, Dude.” The voice was a healthy thing, in other words. “Meh. First world problems” it was saying.
And of course being bummed is common enough. I have a relative who takes the fan thing way too far, sort of the same thing but without that voice actually.
And yes, I used “groking”. Sue me. My only concern is whether I should use two Ks.
The prophet Nostradumbass
@MikeJ: That’s Politico calling him that, not the Grauniad. They call him a columnist.
moderateindy
There’s no such thing as a bad Louis CK routine………………..
Carolinus
CNET: No evidence of NSA’s ‘direct access’ to tech companies. Sources challenge reports alleging National Security Agency is “tapping directly into the central servers.” Instead, they say, the spy agency is obtaining orders under process created by Congress.
Hillary Rettig
Anne Lamott, in the classic creativity book Bird by Bird, called perfectionism, “the voice of the oppressor.” You resist oppression of all kinds in your blog and life; why would you allow an oppressor in your own head? There are solutions if you want them.
JWR
@Carolinus: Considering that the story was broken by Glenn Greenwald, I’ve been waiting for a bit of a fact check by a more neutral source, someone less “histrionic” than GG. Thanks for the link!
currants
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
Nope. He got that from this. He’s not nuts, even if you don’t agree with how dire he thinks this is.
PeakVT
I am sitting here being miserable about how much my life sucks because my team lost
I used to watch sports more, until I realized how much some people got their identity wrapped up in supporting this or that team. Turned me off for some reason.
I still enjoy a good game when I tune in to one, though.
Raven
@PeakVT: When I got sober 20 years ago it took me a couple of years to get back interested in sports. Going to games here in Athens requires one to navigate an incredible morass of drunken fucking morons and that is juts on the way in! Actually it was the same with live music, maybe worse. It always bugged me when people would throw out that “you CAN enjoy yourself without drinking” so I won’t.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@piratedan:
I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if he did just that.
@currants:
He’s nuts and you’re a believer (that or another sockpuppet of his). Crazy glibertarians, no wonder they luv luaP noR so much.
Baud
@Carolinus:
I don’t know. It’s hard to believe that a power point slide deck could be misinterpreted. They’re usually so well done.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Baud:
Since GG knows so much about PRISM, maybe he can get a job with the government!
Yup, top secret my ass.
Baud
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
Shit. PRISM isn’t even the most scary sounding name on that list.
Thlayli
#firstworldproblems
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Baud:
No shit, Glenn could have picked a really evil sounding one to blow nothing out of proportion…lol!
Charles at LGF is on it…
GG’s mission to regain his 15 minutes of fame has collapsed.
Odie Hugh Manatee
From the Cnet article:
If it is real GG has been misrepresenting it to further his ’cause’, if it is fake then GG is a sucker. Either way, he’s a liar.
Anya
@Carolinus:
So, how is this spying or in conflict with the constitution, exactly?
Bob h
I seem to remember some complaints about sleeplessness awhile back. Vodka is just the ticket for that.
Bob h
I seem to remember some complaints about sleeplessness awhile back. Vodka is just the ticket for that.
Kay
I’m going on a 5 day hike in the UP (MI) in September with my husband and 8 other people.
He’s really fit. He swims, he plays on two tennis leagues, he skis, he rides his bike everywhere.
The only thing I have going for myself re:5 day hike is I’m not overweight and I’m really stubborn, so I don’t see myself quitting :)
We’ve only been on day hikes before. This hike is rated a “2” out of a “10” point scale, so it’s not going to be THAT difficult, right?
Baud
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
NYT has a story on this as well. Says no direct access.
Geeno
@FlipYrWhig: It was a chant from the final against Dallas. They would say (phonetic spelling): Hashek, you Shmellik like Zhitnik!
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Baud:
Here’s something new from TechCrunch…
The story ends with:
Oops, more fail.
Kay
@Baud:
The reporting on the IRS story has been horrible. I knew it was going to be bad, campaign finance is complicated, and this is one step further out, it’s IRS having to pretend they’re NOT regulating campaign finance when they are, but, Jesus, is it DUMB.
They seize on single words, “targeting” or “Washington”. There’s no context or timeline.
It so reminds me of “voter fraud”, where they never get to the meat of the allegation.
Infuriating to read.
Poopyman
@Kay: Depends, although 2 of 10 sounds fairly simple. You might want to ask how many miles per day they’re planning for. Ten mile hikes on Day One might be overdoing it a tad. And besides your husband, how fit are the other 8? If you’ve got 2 real go-getters and 8 casual hikers, I think the go-getters will either take off on their own or be SOL. Better start setting his expectations right now.
I’ve never been to the UP, but sure would like to. One thing you can do now in your copious free time is to simply walk. Even if it’s a single half hour session per day it’ll go far towards prepping you.
NickT
@Kay:
Word of advice for you – get yourself some thick socks and slap some Vaseline on your feet at the start of every day, with special attention to sole, ankle, back of the foot and between your toes. Your feet will thank you.
Kay
@Poopyman:
Thanks. It’s eight miles a day. I walk 1 or 2 a day, for excercise, but it’s flat.
I think MOST of the people are more serious hikers than me, or they play some sport regularly.
I think I’ll follow your advice and just walk more until September. The biggest change will be carrying a pack. We kayak, but I never carry the boat, he does :)
I have to get better shoes, too. I walk in sneakers. I looked at a hiking site and the choices are a little overwhelming.
Kay
@NickT:
My oldest son went for a long trip in Canada and that’s what he said, immediately. They carried canoes, which we’re not doing, thank God.
jake the snake
Nothing like “White Folks Problems”.
I as happy as Dracula at a blood drive, because all I have are “White Folks Problems”.
:-}
Beatrice
@MikeJ: Sports Night is one of my all-time favorite tv shows.
lojasmo
@Kay:
You should start taking LOOONG daily walks. Five days of constant walking is going to leave you sore if you are unacclaimated.
Countme-In
“And I love that WordPress just gave me a red line underneath douchebag to let me know that the correct spelling is douche-bag.”
That wasn’t WordPress.
It was the NSA.
Fred
@John Cole
Friend, you’ve got to forgive yourself so you can move on to a better way of being. We all forgive you for being a worthless piece of shit and it certainly feels better than sulking about it.
Origuy
@Kay: I’d start walking with a pack, too. Start with it empty and work up. You walk differently with a load on your back and you should get in the habit of that. Also the way your pack is fitted is important. Don’t walk into REI the week before and buy a pack.
Trinity
John Cole…your savage self-indulgent posts are like pity-porn to me. You Sir, are my very favorite privileged self-aware white boy in the world. :) xoxox
Also, too, moar Tunch please. kthanxbai!
JustRuss
The fact that you’re watching hockey in frickin June is enough to drive me to drink. I can remember when we used to call it a “winter sport”. And getoffmylawn.
mere mortal
@jamick6000 ‘s trolling turns out to be a perfect foil for the point I wanted to make.
John, you shouldn’t feel self-conscious or diminished by feeling miserable when your team loses.
We let people, animals, and yes, even things or ideas into our lives. The closer they are, the more they are able to bring joy, but also sorrow. You will probably outlive your pets, your best friend may run off with your wife, and the Penguins might be swept out of the playoffs.
It is the agony and the ecstasy.
And so, full circle, I can’t imagine an existence such as what I infer from jamick6000, and wonder if he thinks of people in the flat, emotionless, interchangeable way he describes pets.
Actually I can, after a fashion. When I stumble onto a basketball game on tv and realize I have absolutely no preference for who wins, I get a glimpse into what people who are not sports fans must be like all the time.
Tokyokie
@Kay: Go to REI as soon as possible, tell them what you have planned, and let them sort out the hiking boots for you. Then start wearing them as much as you can get away with, and especially do your daily walk, because you need to break them in. And, as others have mentioned, while at REI, get several pairs of thick socks (try on the boots while wearing them) and the backpack, and begin getting acclimated to them. And start walking longer distances. You’ve got plenty of time to get ready if you start now.
Also while at REI, I’d check out water bottles — will the backpack preclude your using a Camelback, or can you get a pack with one built in? — and those cold neck wraps. And also make sure somebody in the party is going to be carrying a well-stocked first-aid kit.
And Cole, as long as Willard Romney and his spawn scuttle the earth, you definitionally can’t be the most worthless piece of shit around.
jebediah
@jamick6000:
animal that will rip the meat off your face the minute after you croak.
that’s exactly why I have big dogs. when I shuffle off facedown in a bowl of fruity pebbles I prefer that my family have as little corpse to deal with as possible.
Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant)
RE:Greenwald
At this point, even Wile E. Coyote is looking at this clown and saying ‘Dude, give it a fucking break already!’
The Other Chuck
At least WP didn’t suggest John Cole as the correct spelling of “douchebag”.
The Other Chuck
@Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant): I dunno, that’s quite a bit to put on a sign. Maybe just a big questionmark?
EthylEster
I know you are not gay but sometimes you are a fucking drama queen.
Central Planning
Mmmmm. Vodka tonic… I found a really nice vodka from a distillery in Syracuse – it’s call 1911 and is made from apples, yet there is no apple flavor. It’s delicious.
Soon to be +2!
Kay
@Tokyokie:
Thanks so much. The shoes alone are like a research project.
I keep getting these emails from our leader about how we have a “duty” to the group” not to be a huge whiny pain in the ass, I guess.
I could see how that would be a concern.
He’s sending them to all of us, but I’m taking it personal :)
mclaren
You are a hoot, John Cole. More power to ya.
machine
John Cole,
Douche-bag or not, you’re sitting at the pinnacle of current evolution. Rejoice in your first-world existential angst. When your worries are the costs of pet care and whether you’re drinking 10 or 15-y/o scotch then you’ve truly arrived.
Redleg
And your worst sin is having a vodka tonic instead of gin and tonic as god intended.