Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

Let there be snark.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

I’m pretty sure there’s only one Jack Smith.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

You are so fucked. Still, I wish you the best of luck.

Imperialist aggressors must be defeated, or the whole world loses.

If you tweet it in all caps, that makes it true!

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

He really is that stupid.

“And when the Committee says to “report your income,” that could mean anything!

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Thanks for reminding me that Van Jones needs to be slapped.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

No one could have predicted…

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Breaking: Incontrovertible Proof of FSM’s Existence Revealed

Breaking: Incontrovertible Proof of FSM’s Existence Revealed

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Wingnut douche-barge (much bigger than a canoe) Glenn Beck has been struck dumb:

beck_paralyzed

He provided a weepy flashcard “monologue” on his Goldline Central network about the condition (it comes and goes, he says) and reflected on the need to be more uplifting and positive.

It’s as if the Flying Spaghetti Monster rammed the Rotini of Righteousness right in the bastard’s throat, just as He once stopped Limbaugh’s ears with the Vermicelli of Virtue. Ramen.

[X-posted at Rumproast]

Reader Interactions

78Comments

  8. 8.

    Chris

    Sleeping on the job, FSM? Whatever happened to incineration by bolt of lightning? Or are you anti death penalty, too?

  9. 9.

    PsiFighter37

    The conservative entrepreneur recently learned that he has temporarily lost the ability that so many of us take for granted — the ability to speak. Doctors informed Beck that his vocal cords have been temporarily paralyzed. The effects will “come and go,” but thankfully it is a repairable condition, he explained.

    Is this real? I’ve never heard of someone having temporary paralysis of their vocal cords that will come and go. Sounds hokey to me…

  10. 10.

    Boots Day

    Maybe he’ll spend this little timeout learning how to spell “vocal cords.”

  15. 15.

    The Other Chuck

    @PsiFighter37: It’s a not uncommon condition actually, and often the side effect of a brain tumor. Now if that’s the case, I know I shouldn’t say it … but boy that would explain a lot. There.

  17. 17.

    srv

    The government got to him.

    Laugh-a while you can, monkey boys, pretty soon Obama will be oppressing you also, too.

  18. 18.

    Nunya

    I like the beakers full of random colored liquids in the background of his set. Sciency! This guy is obviously not just one of the world’s foremost historians, he’s a polymath, a true Renaissance Man. You know, a total nutjob.

  20. 20.

    Frankensteinbeck

    @PsiFighter37:
    It could be. I’ve never heard of it, but it’s an entirely reasonable neurological injury. Of course, it wouldn’t happen by itself. You’d need brain/upper spinal damage. Very high fever, drugs, head injury, stroke. It could also be a ‘fleece the sheep’ trick, but there’s no reason it couldn’t be real.

    @The Other Chuck:
    I was trying to avoid ‘brain tumor’. I wish suffering on no one. At most, I wish some people were put in a position they can no longer harm society.

  22. 22.

    BGinCHI

    First they came for Glenn Beck’s vocal chords, and I handed them a rusty wire brush…..

  26. 26.

    windpond

    It’s as if the Flying Spaghetti Monster rammed the Rotini of Righteousness right in the bastard’s throat, just as He once stopped Limbaugh’s ears with the Vermicelli of Virtue. Ramen.

    Hilarious. Wonderful. Inspiring.

  27. 27.

    Higgs Boson's Mate

    @Chris:

    How much would you charge to repeat the procedure against other individuals?

    If you’re thinking about shrub, he was stricken dumb long ago.

  30. 30.

    Violet

    @Frankensteinbeck: Yeah, it seems like a strange condition to me. I wonder if there’s something more neurologically going on.

    I wonder how long the rubes will continue to pay to watch him show flashcards? Will the gravy train dry up?

  31. 31.

    Todd

    Beck always reminds me of the kind of antisocial loser in school who would fart something nasty while blaming it on someone he deemed lower than him in his Walter Mitty fantasies.

    A real man blames it on his social equals or better, and owns up to it soon after, for everyone’s amusement…

  33. 33.

    Violet

    @Todd: He did the Morning Zoo radio in his younger days. I don’t think your profile of him is too far from the truth.

  34. 34.

    Commenting at Balloon Juice Since 1937

    Limpball’s deafness was a side effect of his oxycontin intake. Just saying.

  35. 35.

    lamh35

    Um ok, I don’t know why, but aside from just being extremely hot (would he be considered the hottest guy to play Superman?), is it sad that the biggest thing I love about the new Superman guy is that his girlfriend isn’t a stick-figure bobble head? His girlfriend is that MMA chick who was in that Haywire movie, Gina Carano (the hand to hand fight scene with her and her male co-stars were the best part of that movie) and also in Fast and the Furious. Also, rumor is that they may be looking at her to play Wonder Woman??? She’s certainly tall enough and built like an Amazon right?

  36. 36.

    Todd

    @Baud:

    She’s not unattractive or without companionship options.

    There’s some story that marriage was in the works. Maybe this was a case of extreme cold feet.

    Or perhaps he was just sick of her shit, regardless of how hot she is.

  37. 37.

    Bubblegum Tate

    @Nunya:

    I like the beakers full of random colored liquids in the background of his set.

    Let’s ask this scientician!

  38. 38.

    Mark B

    Snowden’s GF says:

    “Trouble of loving someone you are incompatible with means having the same endless talk for eight years in a row,” a post on Instagram said. “One of those times I wish I had wings.”

    OK, I couple of days ago, I jokingly wrote that the explanation was that he got into a fight with his girlfriend and it kind of spun out of control. I’m beginning to think I’m psychic.

  41. 41.

    Keith

    So what’s Glenn Beck’s plague count now? Three? Four, including drug addiction?

  43. 43.

    Redshirt

    @lamh35: Yeah, she’s something else. Women’s MMA is a touchy subject though. I am SO psyched for the new Superman movie. It looks incredible from the previews.

    Also, Glenn Beck’s failing vocal cords is obviously a False Flag. Read infowars.com for the truth. Pasta formed sheeple.

  45. 45.

    PsiFighter37

    @Baud: Whenever I’m trying to impress women I’ve upset in some fashion, I always do it by disclosing the biggest secret that I know.

    Unfortunately, because I don’t have top-secret government clearance, this usually amounts to recounting times I’ve heard them release flatulence in my presence.

  46. 46.

    Hal

    I’ve always found Glenn Beck creepy. Like serial killer driving around in an ice cream truck creepy. I’m so surprised anyone finds him appealing.

  47. 47.

    danielx

    Wingnut douche-barge (much bigger than a canoe) Glenn Beck has been struck dumb

    And about fucking time, says I. In some cases silence is not only golden but well-deserved.

  48. 48.

    Todd

    @Baud:

    Who among us hasn’t responded to a bad breakup by disclosing state secrets?

    Maybe she’s a nutcase and he had to get away in the most extreme way possible – a little time to think, a little time in China with bamboo shoots up the urethra, and a lot of time in a US supermax prison, to which she has no access.

  49. 49.

    Trollhattan

    @Frankensteinbeck:

    Yeah, I say he’s on the grift, chapter the whateverth. “Awww, send poor widdle Gwenn some gold bucks.”

    The condition can be real; I’ll cite Linda Thompson as a notable sufferer.

  51. 51.

    PsiFighter37

    @Todd:

    a little time in China with bamboo shoots up the urethra

    This sounds morbidly unpleasant. If you have a forget-me-now handy, I’d like to take it right about now so I can erase that mental image.

  52. 52.

    Todd

    @PsiFighter37:

    Unfortunately, because I don’t have top-secret government clearance, this usually amounts to recounting times I’ve heard them release flatulence in my presence.

    That’s gotta go AMAZINGLY well. Patches things right up, I imagine.

  53. 53.

    Todd

    @PsiFighter37:

    This sounds morbidly unpleasant. If you have a forget-me-now handy, I’d like to take it right about now.

    Regrettably, it only took me .0043 of a second to realize that a bamboo shoot small enough to insert up a fingernail could also fit other places. My mind is sicker than it used to be.

  54. 54.

    MattF

    @Todd: Maybe she’s figured out that it’s safe to assume that the NSA knows her address. Just sayin’.

  56. 56.

    j

    @PsiFighter37: DUH!

    Who is this “doctor”? It’s Beck doing street theater saying “They’re trying to shut me up!”. But his cult has such a short attention span that his 10 minute act was tuned out 2.4 seconds into it. And “classical music”?? That is a sure tune out for his apple sauce gummers and trailer trash audience.

    It’ll be all “Aw, Hell, Linda Lou, let’s go out and shoot our guns at the gumment” stuff.

    His use of Bonheoffer is another sop to his NAZI NAZI NAZI shit he was peddling years ago, when he insisted that Rockefeller Center has “secret Nazi images all over the building; ergo NBC is NAZI!”

    It was pointed out to him that the FOX/Newscorp HQ is also part of Rock Center, so he moved on to his next NAZI NAZI NAZI routine.

    Lewis Black slammed Beck into the ground.

    http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-may-12-2010/back-in-black—glenn-beck-s-nazi-tourette-s

    Beck has Nazi Tourettes!

  59. 59.

    JPL

    Last week the NYTimes had an article about James Van de Velde who was a suspect in killing a Yale University student in 1998. There was no evidence but his career appeared to be ruined at the time, although he is now a terrorism expert. Long story short they had a link to another article in 1999 which spoke about a radio shock jock who was selling Yale university dolls that the professor might want to keep in his trunk… or something. Anyway the dj was Glenn Beck.
    He’s been a fraud for a long, long, long time.

  60. 60.

    gbear

    @Todd:

    Maybe she’s a nutcase and he had to get away in the most extreme way possible

    That’s what suicide is for.

    Back OT, Beck looks like he haz a pouty-face 2-year-old sad. This makes me feel somewhat warm inside.

  61. 61.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    The Confusion of Tongues has struck Glen, his has tied itself into knots.

    Hey Glen! How’s that gold doing?

  62. 62.

    debbie

    @Baud:

    Glenn blames Obama.

    Did you know he actually fines himself $30 whenever he mentions Obama by name?

  64. 64.

    Mike in NC

    To quote all of the wingnuts who infest our local newspapers: WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!

  66. 66.

    pacem appellant

    @Boots Day: I noticed that, too. Maybe he was a FOTC fan? Or he thinks he’s being funny? Nah, probably just an illiterate speech writer intern. Pour gasoline on him and get a new one.

  68. 68.

    Patricia Kayden

    @debbie: Fines himself? Where does the money go? Such an idiot. So glad that his side keeps losing the Presidency. I guess he’ll have a nervous breakdown when Secretary Clinton wins in 2016.

  69. 69.

    BethanyAnne

    @WereBear: I wondered who would beat me to it, but when I didn’t see it in the first few comments I posted anyway :)

  70. 70.

    Jebediah

    @Hal:

    I’ve always found Glenn Beck creepy. Like serial killer driving around in an ice cream truck creepy. I’m so surprised anyone finds him appealing.

    It is totally mystifying – and he’s a world-class creep. I know I have mentioned this at least once, so forgive the repetition, but back in his “morning zoo” DJ days, he called his big rival (live, on the air) and berated him for not being able to do anything right, including making a baby. The occasion was the miscarriage that the rival DJ’s wife or girlfriend had just suffered. Pure class.

  71. 71.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    Tom Cruse luvs him sum WalMart. He says that the company has improved the lives of women. He’s a great actor because I couldn’t have said that without choking to death from laughing my ass off.

  73. 73.

    different-church-lady

    Wingnut douche-bargetanker (much bigger than a canoe barge)…

    Gotta fix ’em as I see ’em.

  74. 74.

    Svensker

    @PsiFighter37:

    We had a friend in NJ who had it. She would go months being fine and then something would trigger the paralysis and she wouldn’t be able to talk for a couple of days, a week, two weeks, she never knew. First time I’d ever heard of it and I’m old.

  75. 75.

    Jules

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strozzapreti

    Strozzapreti (“priest strangler” in Italian) are typically an elongated form of cavatelli, or hand-rolled pasta. In the Emilia-Romagna, Tuscany and Umbria regions of Italy as well as in the microstate of San Marino the name is used for a baked cheese and vegetable dumpling

  76. 76.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    They call his condition “verklempt”. Of the many variations of the condition, his is cured by his being given money.

    Gold works too.

  78. 78.

    Birthmarker

    “Sounds” like performance art playing off the NSA story.

    Also builds interest in his paid site.

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