I was sitting on the back porch with the girls watching the sunset, and it started to rain for a brief spell. All I could think of were the hundred’s of parents sitting in the bleachers with their now wet kids, hoping upon hope the storm will pass and they will see the god damned fireworks and not have to come back and do this again in two days.
I immediately imagined the sheer hell my parents went through 30+ years ago with all four of us. It’s the fourth, so everyone is sunburnt and cranky, yet at the same time smacked up on sugar from the kool-aid, punch, soda, cake, ice cream, and popsicles from the community picnic, and that sugar high has us all running around spazzing out about fireworks. Oh, and jello salad, especially that really sticky marshmellow one with pineapple. The only people who liked jello salad more than members of the Church of Fatter Day Saints were rural West Virginians in the late 70’s and 80’s.
And we are sticky, and probably trying to sit on dad’s lap and it’s ninety degrees and he’s sweating and everything about the four kids is sticky and spastic and he’s just miserable and thinking about condoms and why he didn’t use more of them and what he really wants is a gin and tonic in a gallon container, and we are just touching everything and screaming and running around being a nuisance and all the other parent’s kids are yelling and acting just like us. Mom, always the saint, is just sitting there feeling embarrassed and trying to keep dad from going ballistic while trying to engage in niceties with the people around us, and she’s just miserable because her sun rash is out and she’s thinking thoughts that Quakers don’t normally have, and all she wants in her Morris chair and an Agatha Christie novel. It’s amazing humans so rarely kill their young.
And even if everything goes according to plan, and the fireworks do come on after a rain delay, you still have to load everyone into the car, sit for 20 minutes to get out of the parking lot while all four of us spazz out and punch each other and touch every god damned thing in the car while Seth throws up because he had cotton candy and a root beer on top of all the other crap and dad has to work in the morning, then drive home. And once you get home, everyone needs a bath, the dog has puked and pissed on the floor, and Grandma Cole left a message on the answering machine that she and our cousins are planning a visit next week-end.
I called my parents and thanked them. There is a reason I am not a breeder. I’m surprised my dad only had a heart attack at age 71. But, you know, you gotta take the kids to the fireworks. America, Fuck Yeah. We should have prozac in the water.
Xecky Gilchrist
There is a reason I am not a breeder.
(high five)
different-church-lady
You’re a big ball of joy, you know that, don’t you?
(Signed, DCL, child free by choice since forever)
Cacti
Getting ready for my 4th cider of the 4th of July, then another hour or so before starting the boom-booms.
Alcohol and fireworks, does it get any better?
Culture of Truth
“We should have prozac in the water.”
We do.
Litlebritdifrnt
@Xecky Gilchrist:
Ditto. Spent a quiet day home with the dogs, made myself a quiche, made a filet and twice baked potato for the DH. Sipping a glass of chilled white wine while surfing the net. Hearing some bangs outside from the fireworks at the local park but have no intention of going. The only hassle I will have is the kittens demanding evaporated milk for breakfast in the morning, it is kitty crack I tell you.
eemom
Many years ago when my son was a toddler, we were out somewhere in WV — your neck of the woods — at a restaurant. He was running around all over the place and I was chasing him and at one point I remarked to a tableful of wide-eyed teenagers, “He’s like an advertisement for birth control.”
They didn’t seem to get it.
RSR
Yes! I’m an only but my wife (bless her) is one of ten (plus a multitude of cousins) from a FDNY family from Staten Island and it sounds spot on. Barely could remember or contain all the kids left with you..
Still think you’d be good at the parenting thing, John.
Either way, Cheers! Happy 4th! everybody.
different-church-lady
Just sitting here hoping everyone down on the Esplanade can get through the night without some clever boots bringing their own ordinance to punctuate the 1812 Overture.
Yeah, I’m a big ball of joy…
karen marie
John Cole: Your periodic stories about Furminating the girls and Tunch finally got me to the store to get one for my two girls (one cat, one canine), and all I can say is WOW! I should have done this a long time ago.
PsiFighter37
Just saw the fireworks down here in FL. There are a ton of people who must own bootleg fireworks around here, because there are still random fireworks going off everywhere.
Go America. I bet folks down here would claim 2nd Amendment rights when it comes to setting off this shit.
NickT
We do have Prozac in the water, along with quite a few other anti-depressants and other pharmaceutical substances, because people have the odd idea that the best way to dispose of those little extras is to flush them down the toilet.
Happy 4th of July to you too, John Cole.
Botsplainer
I’m scrolling the iTunes catalog, and noticed that Hudson Hawk is on it. I’m actually considering it, just to see if it is as bad as I remember.
Howard the Duck is on it too. I did have a big crush on Lea Thompson, I’m toying with that, too.
NotMax
What’s up with the influx of erroneous apostrophes?
dewzke
Cole, thanks for the laughter.
ellennelle
last i heard, we do; or was it just in the, um, out spout? which begs the question, how would they get it out of the, um, recycled water during reprocessing?
so, hey; maybe we do have prozac in the water.
which in itself is a scary thought because that would mean all this, and we’re actually on our medication!
Woody
My two offspring are watching a movie they haven’t yet seen, with popcorn and juice, then going to bed only a half-hour later than normal.
Did the fireworks thing with them last year and that night they were great. The following three days, not so much. Like adults nowadays, children don’t get enough sleep.
Parents would be amazed at their kids’ behavior after two months of rigidly scheduled adequate sleep. My wife was on this one early, and I’ve joined the congregation.
Hey, if I could only find a way to make guilty parents buy sleep from my rentier nonprofit, I can be the Michelle Rhee of sleep! No improvement on what’s already there, but with the Washington Post‘s help, I can make bank!
eemom
@NotMax:
They’re the bastard children of the multitudinous “of”s that Cole has abandoned over the years.
Paddy
As a non breeder myself, I can step back and admire my parents restraint on all things Fourthish. As newly minted citizens, they didn’t go for the flash, just some friends in the backyard and a neighbor doing fireworks in the field across from our street.
Myself, the DH has been working his ass off for the past month, so he is getting his requested Spaghetti Paddy for din, and we spaz out watching the dogs to see who will be the first one to pee in fright from the a*holes who thing louder is better. Already lost the lottery twice the week on that one.
different-church-lady
@efgoldman: The entire Cambridge side of the river is usually filled with people, and that’s not a restricted area at all. And I doubt they’re gonna inspect every boat on the river.
Yeah, I’m probably being more superstitious than realistic. But it would be a relief to get through this without incident so we can stop imagining it’s going to happen every time.
PsiFighter37
Huge diary on Snowden at GOS. All those simple-minded one-track fools who worship him are fucking idiots. If there’s a way to summarize the issue with them, it’s that they lack any distinct sense of realpolitik.
Angela
Your mom’s a Quaker?
Botsplainer
@efgoldman:
The trailer reminded me of how bad it was.
ellie
That was hilarious! My parents did that with 8 kids. As a result, my older brother is the only one of us who had kids and he had only one.
Anoniminous
LMAO.
Well done Sir.
different-church-lady
@PsiFighter37: Is that the one where they promoted him to Founding Father status?
PsiFighter37
@different-church-lady: No, the 1500-comment one where the original diarist had the nerve to say maybe everyone shouldn’t be putting the Snowden/pussy on a pedestal
different-church-lady
@efgoldman: Man, the 70s… it’s just not a coincidence that the two most notorious riots in major league baseball history (10 cent beer night and Disco Demolition Night) both happened in the 70s.
The president was a crook, there was no gas, your mother disappeared to go to work, cities were turning into hell holes, and everyone was on one drug or another. The only good things that were happening were Stevie Wonder and a golden age of comedy.
Another Halocene Human
Greenwald’s busy having a meltdown on teh twitterz today. Like he thought noooobody would find out.
The Jester is trying to get Assange arrested or maybe just pretending to. Since he tweeted what he planned to do, I don’t see how it would work, unless that’s what he wants you to think…
The Year of the Narcissist.
Another Halocene Human
My neighbors are setting off fireworks. And by neighbors I mean the whole damn town. It’s like a rolling thunder of manmade explosions. Pretty damn awesome.
Another Halocene Human
@PsiFighter37: Sounds like 1500 comments full of unresolved daddy issues.
PsiFighter37
@Another Halocene Human: What happens when a firebagger starts playing with fire?
Hint: there’s a fucking reason why you don’t light a match near your ass before you rip a deep, juicy one.
Persia
This is the first year in many years I didn’t sit through hours of hot sun and sometimes rain with my kid for the 4th of July parade. She went camping with my ex, which is fine, and I know she’s having a good time. I thought I would be wholly relieved.
Instead, I keep finding something in my eye at the oddest times.
FlyingToaster
We avoided the 100 degrees and Security Noh (Kabuki is entertaining; this is just tedious and baffling) at the Esplanade by taking WarriorGirl to the Newton Centre Kids morning; by noon she was so hot, sticky, and covered with melted ice cream that she has camped out in the basement the rest of the day. Where it’s always 72 degrees :)
She likes the Pops (even the country singers), but really loved the 1812 Overture on the big screen. We can hear the Newton fireworks outside while the Boston fireworks are on-screen.
different-church-lady
@PsiFighter37: “I’m uncomfortable…” — that one?
Someone had a diary titled something like, “8 out of 12 diaries on the rec list are about Snowden” and observed that maybe it was time to admit it really was “about” Snowden.
There’s at least 300 people over there who have completely taken leave of any connection to reality. They are now content to actually lie about provable facts. It’s this year’s Death Panels, and they’ve got zero clue they’re doing it.
PsiFighter37
@Another Halocene Human: You can only determine who has the biggest dick if everyone is rubbing at the same furious pace.
Another Halocene Human
I survived childhood abuse and don’t care much for authority but I don’t fantasize endlessly about anti-social acts and who I’m going to kill when the revolution comes.
These same clowns who are worshiping Snowden were probably openly giggling about the SS coming to see all the dumb teenagers who wrote Obama death threats online after election day last year. Which, not to say these kids didn’t have it coming for their vile remarks but it smacks of script kiddiez lolling about the PartyVan one day and egging on some other skiddie to break the law, engage in massively anti-social acts (like uncensored data dumps) and piss off some really Big Powerful Entity the next. Oh, and then crying on Reddit about ebbil doxxers.
Nothing but cowardly bullies who can’t take a taste of their own medicine. Or wannabe’s who fantasize about lobbing bombs with impunity.
Baud
@eemom:
It was West Virginia.
Another Halocene Human
@PsiFighter37: Okay, I lol’d.
Me: +1. What can I say, I’m a cheap date.
PsiFighter37
@Another Halocene Human: Well it took me to +5 to work up that level of brilliance, so what does that say about me?
different-church-lady
Which reminds me: it’s time to pick out my next rum cocktail experiment.
different-church-lady
@efgoldman: OK, your 70s were better than mine.
karen marie
@FlyingToaster: You want a great place to watch the fireworks in Boston? Try the picnic area of the Fenway Victory Gardens. I had a plot there for 13 years (moved to Fall River in 2000), right adjacent to the picnic area, and the last three years of it had July 4th barbecues/firework viewing parties. It was the best. Unless you just have to see the really low fireworks which are blocked by the intervening trees.
Short of the Victory Gardens, the next best place is the Mass. Ave. bridge. You have to battle more people to get in and out than the VG, and you can’t really picnic there, but it’s way easier than the Esplanade which I always considered a hellhole to be avoided at all costs on July 4th.
Redshirt
Fireworks suck. Think of all the poor suffering animals tonight, just so we can “celebrate” by blowing up shit.
different-church-lady
@efgoldman:
I can confirm that — used to work on upper Newbury Street. One year I happened to be in the building working, and completely forgot it was the 4th. Hear the show start up and went out to the roof — it was like you could reach up and touch them.
PsiFighter37
@different-church-lady: To me, it’s abundantly clear that Snowden has absolutely zero information of worth, hence why Putin is just fucking around with him at this point.
Hope he’s enjoying those sink showers in the transit terminal…fool.
different-church-lady
@PsiFighter37: You know, I’ve had my fun taunting that fool, but now that I’ve started to sort through the mess of what might actually be going on, I’m starting to think the real reason to hate him is because by the time he and Greenwald are done with their Paultard act it’s going to be impossible for us to have any kind of sane conversation about how to rein the NSA-etc. in.
CaseyL
I spent the middle part of the day leading a hike on one of my favorite trails, Twin Falls over by North Bend. I wish I could make a living doing this. Love it, love it, love it.
I’ve been invited to go watch fireworks on TV with my neighbors. That’s my preferred way to watch these days; seeing them in person is just too much of a hassle.
If you really want to see some amazing firework shows, Vancouver BC has an annual International Fireworks Competition over English Bay in late July through the first weekend in August. I went a few years ago. It was great fun. They take it pretty seriously: all streets leading to the beach are blocked to traffic starting a few hours before, so the hundreds of thousands of people who attend can walk to and from without having to dodge cars – and without creating a traffic jam nightmare.
The link tool never works for me, so here’s the url: http://hondacelebrationoflight.com/
Citizen_X
@eemom: Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield in the underrated Back to School, the more pointed version: “You’re like a poster child for abortion!”
FlyingToaster
@karen marie: No Mass Ave bridge anymore. It’s part of the Security Zone; plus, from the aerial shots, it looks like they were launching the low fireworks either from the bridge or (more likely) from barges anchored to the bridge.
No standing around 80 Smoots, which I understand is the finest view in the Back Bay.
different-church-lady
@FlyingToaster: I read somewhere they’re launching from the bridge itself this year.
AliceBlue
@PsiFighter37:
After I read that, Mr. AliceBlue had to come upstairs to find out why I can’t stop giggling.
FlyingToaster
@different-church-lady: The commercial media was explicitly vague about exactly what they were doing. And, attendance at the Esplanade was ‘way down, so much so that they want to re-think their security theater for next year.
PsiFighter37
@different-church-lady: Should have happened in 2006, when Bush was doing shit illegally. Of course, the MSM only gets a giant boner about it when Democrats do it.
CarolDuhart2
Tape recorded the sound of fireworks tonight: Everybody has decided because of the rain to set everything off at once, and it sounds like Baghdad on the first night of the war.
For some reason, my kitty is taking it all in stride. He hasn’t startled once, but maybe it’s age (he’s 14)
LT
I have 10 brothers and sisters. First 7 came in 7 years. (I’m #7.) All 11 came in the span of 18 years. My momma…
Sorry, what was that you were saying again?
Felonius Monk
Can anyone explain why NBC has to play such sucky music during the Macy’s Fireworks show? some nice patriotic marching band music would be fine — even just some classical instrumental music would work — Now have to turn off the sound and play my own damn musical selections. Bah Humbug. (Sorry — wrong holiday).
Finally switched over to the Capitol 4th, but I still love watching the NYC skyline during those fireworks.
gbear
From the sounds of that post, I’m surprised your dad didn’t set you kids on fire as an encore.
@Felonius Monk: Fireworks with music ALWAYS sucks.
Xenos
Went through a version of this at the local national holiday. A long night involving scouts in a torchlit procession ended with thousands of drunk people packed into a few blocks watching fireworks go off right over our heads. I spent about an hour in a simmering panic just waiting for the chaos to turn into a stamped that would kill us all. Never again.
different-church-lady
@FlyingToaster: It’ll bounce back, “theater” or not. It was just too damn hot this year for people to bother with trying to overcome any paranoia.
Personally, I’m surprised something like the Marathon Bombing didn’t happen long before this year.
different-church-lady
@gbear:
Untrue: the year Boston programmed to Music for the Royal Fireworks, it was utterly magical.
magurakurin
@Another Halocene Human:
and from the same 10 commenters. Not much value in a GOS comment thread. Hasn’t been for years. No good jokes either. That’s really the worst. I can stand a lot of trollish bullshit to get to one good put down or wisecrack. But GOS is all stick-up-my-ass priggishness.
eemom
@Xenos:
March 25? omg. I have to assume that any drunken celebratory-related risk factor is multiplied by infinity when Greeks are involved, never mind fireworks.
StringOnAStick
It’s been double hell for our kitty lately; thunder (loud booms today) and fireworks freak her out completely, and the neighbor/friend has been coming over every night to watch our evening screening of the Tour de France. The only problem with the latter is he brings his 7 month old son, and kitty is convinced that children are even more scary than thunder. As a very happy non-breeder myself, married to another happy non-breeder, we agree with the cat. This one’s young enough to just stay in daddy’s arms at this point, thank FSM.
One good thing to come of Colorado being a total tinderbox is most fireworks displays have been cancelled. Its not that I don’t like fireworks – what I really hate are uncontrolled fires, plus the weeks of mindless idiots showing off with the ordnance they bought in Libertarian Paradise North (Wyoming). Now if the assholes across the ravine with the bottle rockets would show 2 brain cells and cut that shit out, it would be a perfect, cool, post-thunderstorm evening.
StringOnAStick
@magurakurin: The Futile Left has no sense of humor, and their only goal in life is Enhancing the Contradictions in order to bring about the glorious revolution and worker’s paradise. Plus: ponies!
tybee
@efgoldman:
must have been a good year for first dates. mrs tybee and i dated first on november 2, 1976. the night “jimmeh” got elected.
this august will be 35 years married.
Mnemosyne
Ambrosia salad. Only in the 1970s could something with sugar, heavy cream, and marshmallows be termed “salad.”
magurakurin
@StringOnAStick:
The personal life is dead in Russia, history has killed it.
Mnemosyne
Every so often, I wonder what it would have been like to have kids, but then the kid in the building next door starts throwing his twice daily temper tantrum and, well, the urge passes.
magurakurin
@Mnemosyne:
I never wonder. I never wanted to have kids and took measures to prevent any possibility in my twenties. If I had somehow managed to have a kid…I would have had to name him Houdini because he would have been an escape artist.
FlipYrWhig
@StringOnAStick: We’re sadly kitty-less since January, but last 4th of July traumatized our Tunch-esque fellow. He was undergoing subcutaneous fluid treatment on the kitchen table when some jerkwad down the street set off a bunch of fireworks. We felt terrible. Sigh.
JGabriel
John Cole @ Top:
Maybe we do. For all we know, prozac could be one of the chemicals frackers use to pollute our water supply.
Mnemosyne
@magurakurin:
I wonder, because I do like kids, and they generally like me, but I just don’t think I’d have the patience to raise one from scratch. I’m fine being the Fun Aunt who gets to swoop in, take the kids to do something cool, and drop them off at home tired and full of sugar.
e.a.f.
Thank you for the column! It was hilarious! I can envision it all. Your parents must have been great.
Happy 4th of July.
Xenos
@eemom: No, June 24, the notional birthday of the Arch-Duke in this little spot of private banking specialness. My wife is Greek, thus my nym. There is a small community of Greeks and Cypriots here, though. I have gone through an Easter in Greece, the highlight being teenagers throwing firecrackers at the feet of small children and the elderly coming out of church at 12:30 am. That and standing around for hours at a time, for several days, listening to chanting. Some rituals just do not need to be repeated to be appreciated.
Martin
This morning walked to the community parade. Met a bunch of friends on the way. Kids got a pile of candy. Walked home and met a bunch of other friends on the way back. This evening walked over to a friends house for a barbecue. Had a few. Good time. Walked with the family and the dog to my daughters elementary school and set our blanket out on the field with about 2,000 other people (literally) with their kids and dogs. Neighborhood kids were shooting off little fireworks. Watched the big show (our HOA has it’s own display – quite a big one, at that). Walked home.
Kids can be easy or hard. We moved to a neighborhood where it’s a lot easier. Getting away from the car is a big part of that. They can walk to school. Walk to the dollar movie theater. Walk to sports. Walk to concerts. Walk to the lake. Walk to the pools (we have 2 lakes and 20 community pools in our HOA.) All of that makes it a LOT easier.
maryQ
Thanks for this reflection, John. Ya know, I have one kid, who is pretty much angel, at least when we are out in public. And we were older than my parents, and way more affluent than my parents when we had her, so the whole thing must have been exponentially easier for us than it was for my younger, single-income parents with four of us, who sound more or less exactly like you described your siblings. It is in those rare moments when my daughter is ever so slightly difficult, or whiney or sticky or sugared up and I am tired and sweaty and cranky and dreaming of refreshing, cold alcoholic drinks, I wonder what the hell my parents were thinking, and I thank baby Jesus for helping us invent birth control.
LAC
Nothing wrong with not breeding, but lets not make a fetish out of it. It may not be perfect and it may be exhausting, but for some us, it has been a great journey…and keeps us from wanting things to blow up just so that we can say “I told you so” Plus you got some funny memories to share with the spousal unit when wee one leaves for college and you spoil the cat even more.
parsimon
You’re a strange man, John Cole.