Finally just ate my pizza, after first burning the roof my mouth and having to wait ten minutes for things to cool down. And damn, I made a delicious pizza- home made dough, ricotta based white sauce with some garlic and oregano, a layer of spinach, basil, roasted red pepper, sliced tomato, a little artichoke, and topped with buffalo mozz. and some red pepper flakes. It was amazing.
But that is not what I am hear to talk about. It occurred to me that I would rather a hidden cam video of me masturbating to an 80’s Playboy (remember back when they had real breasts and pubic hair and the only tattoo was a playboy suntan tattoo? Or Hot Lips Houlihan. But, I digress and realize I will now be on Jezebel’s most wanted website list next week.) be made public than a video of me inhaling the half of the pizza I just made. Grunting, sweating, red-faced, tomato and red pepper and cheese juice running down my forearms as I try to breathe through my nose because my mouth is full as I employ a backhoe like motion to shovel food into my fat face all while making kicking motions at the dogs at my feet to let them know they aren’t getting shit.
Sigh. I put the rest in the freezer so it wouldn’t be a temptation.
Although I do own a microwave.
And I am only posting this because I know that every single one of you, at one point in time, has just committed the same kind of pizza/taco/pick your poison crime. Don’t lie. It’s ok to talk about it.