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Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

After dobbs, women are no longer free.

If senate republicans had any shame, they’d die of it.

Republicans seem to think life begins at the candlelight dinner the night before.

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Usually wrong but never in doubt

No one could have predicted…

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In my day, never was longer.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

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… gradually, and then suddenly.

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Let there be snark.

You are here: Home / In His Defense, The Raft Did Have a Really Nice Ass

In His Defense, The Raft Did Have a Really Nice Ass

by | 126 Comments

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I know you aren’t supposed to laugh at people with these sorts of issues, but this cracks me up as much the second time as it did the first time:

A pumped-up pervert from Ohio just can’t get enough loving from his neighbor’s pink inflatable pool raft, police said.

Edwin Tobergta, 34, has been busted having sex with the inanimate rubber float twice in the last two years, police said.

He now faces 12 months in jail for public indecency.

WHIOTV reports that Tobergta was first arrested in 2011 when the owner of the raft spotted him humping the float in an alleyway.

On shouting at him to stop, the suspect ran off with his “sex toy.”

He was eventually detained and faced a spell in jail.

Then, on June 17 this year, some months after being released, he allegedly decided to return to his old love.

A couple thoughts:

1.) EWWWWWWWW!
2.) How do you have sex with a raft? I still haven’t figured this out.
3.) If it was his raft and he did it in the privacy of his home, would it still be a crime?
4.) I can’t get the song Rubber Ducky out of my head.
5.) And you thought that Pi Patel liked his raft.
6.) Did I mention how and ewww?

Reader Interactions

126Comments

  3. 3.

    4tehlulz

    >How do you have sex with a raft?

    I usually discuss this with the raft before going back to my place.

  7. 7.

    Betty Cracker

    For chrissakes, rafts aren’t that expensive! He should buy his own goddamn raft instead of humping the neighbor’s. Oh, and if I caught someone humping my pool float, I don’t think I could ever look at the raft in the same way again. Not fair to the raft, I know, but I’d have to get a new one.

  8. 8.

    srv

    If the guy was Wall Street and the raft was us, the Holder Regime would drop the investigation.

  9. 9.

    catclub

    @Betty Cracker: Haven’t you read the Old Testament passage when David’s priest tells him about a man with just one lamb that he loved, but the King took it away from him, while the King already had thousands of sheep? Same thing here. ONly THAT raft would do.

  12. 12.

    Belafon (formerly anonevent)

    @srv: If Wall Street were a pervert, and we were a raft, srv would still try to find a way to bring Obama up.

  13. 13.

    joes527

    Did the owner take the raft back after the first incident? ‘Cause I would have let him keep it at that point.

  15. 15.

    freemark

    This is because of gay marriage. Ricky Santorum warned us but we didn’t listen.

  16. 16.

    PeakVT

    The rest of this column isn’t worth reading, but I found this tidbit interesting:

    Like Greece before it, Portugal is chasing its tail in a downward spiral. Economic contraction of 3pc a year is eroding the tax base, causing Lisbon to miss deficit targets. A new working paper by the Bank of Portugal explains why it has gone wrong. The fiscal multiplier is “twice as large as normal”, or 2.0, in small open economies during crisis times.

    Which is to say that every dollar of government spending that was cut produced two dollars of economic contraction. Ouch.

  18. 18.

    Mart

    Surprised nobody has mentioned the obvious link of the rise of the GAY, and the inevitable rise in man on float sex. This never happened when I was a kid.

    Cole’s #5 was out of the park, should work for Letterman.

  20. 20.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    Weird how a good looking guy like that can only seduce an inanimate object.

  22. 22.

    Belafon (formerly anonevent)

    @PeakVT: I’m glad they’re talking about how much contraction costs. I think we should all donate to the graduation fund of that kid who proved that “study” wrong, the one everyone was quoting to justify austerity.

  25. 25.

    Mnemosyne

    @rikyrah:

    Well, except for the part where he’s doing it in public places. If he wants to fuck rafts in the privacy of his own home, I don’t care, but I really don’t want to be walking to the grocery store and having to see a guy humping away in an alley.

  29. 29.

    kindness

    In the spirit of the Supreme Court dumping DOMA I feel this man should be able to marry the raft of his choice. Maybe he’ll be nice enough to ask his neighbor to be the one who gives away the ‘bride’.

  31. 31.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    Did the owner take the raft back after the first incident? ‘Cause I would have let him keep it at that point.

    @joes527: No shit, with the stipulation that I AND THE NEIGHBORS DO NOT EVER WANT TO SEE YOU FUCKING THE RAFT. Otherwise, have a ball.

  33. 33.

    scav

    With or without floats and where were they positioned? I need shapes too, the round bumpers or the long ones? Was it one of the fancy rafts, the ones with one or more cup holders? I will never be able to leaf through a SkyMall brochure without a major fit of hysterics in future. . .

  36. 36.

    Amir Khalid

    @Betty Cracker:
    I couldn’t imagine how to continue a conversation that began like this:

    “I have a thing for the rubber float in your pool. Will you sell her to me?”

  37. 37.

    Roger Moore

    In other news, some sore losers in Colorado want to secede and form a new state of North Colorado. Unsurprisingly, they’re overwhelmingly rural, with Greeley being the largest city in the proposed new state. Barring that, they’d like to change the State Constitution so every county has equal representation in the State Senate, because it’s so unfair that the >600,000 people in Denver County have more say in the Senate than the <700 people in San Juan County.

  40. 40.

    Roger Moore

    @Amir Khalid:
    I think the obvious continuation is, “How much are you willing to offer?” It isn’t that hard.

    ETA: Though I guess you could always go with the obvious alternative, “Get out of my sight, you sick fuck!”

  44. 44.

    Trollhattan

    @Roger Moore:

    “Flyover country” is flown over for many good reasons. I’d let ’em if they promised to call the state Frackula and had the same congressional voting power as D.C.

  45. 45.

    jon

    @Betty Cracker: That’s like sniffing your own bicycle seat.

    And the answer is: cupholders.

    (I regret to say I saw each of those answers as painfully obvious, even as I shared the “Ewww.”)

  47. 47.

    Roger Moore

    @Trollhattan:
    I wouldn’t let them secede on general anti-secessionist grounds. They would have by far the smallest population of any state, smaller even than Rhode Island or Wyoming, and no logical reason for existence. This is purely about pitching a fit because they didn’t get their way in the elections.

  49. 49.

    OzarkHillbilly

    @rikyrah:

    this is a waste of police time and court time.

    You’d probably feel a little different if the raft belonged to your kid. Then again, if it belonged to my kid? I’d probably just get a new raft for my kid.

  50. 50.

    nemesis

    In other news, zimmerman’s counsel is going bonkers because the prosecution is asking that the jury be instructed on the lesser included offense of third degree felony murder … with child abuse as the underlying offense.

    Its a hail mary. The prosecution is acting desperate. Judge sez no way. Charge not included.

    For chrissakes, rafts aren’t that expensive! He should buy his own goddamn raft instead of humping the neighbor’s.

    Consider forbidden fruit. The raft is young. Its dressed provocatively, acting all loose and stuff.

  52. 52.

    Tractarian

    How do you have sex with a raft?

    Really, John? Do we need to draw you a diagram?

    If it was his raft and he did it in the privacy of his home, would it still be a crime?

    No

  58. 58.

    pamelabrown53

    @Mnemosyne:
    Hah! Rikyrah. Too bad we BJers didn’t know about this mans plight before: A) we could have pooled our resources for a deluxe inflatable doll or donated a year’s psychiatric service fees so that the man both helped and saved the taxpayers beaucoup bucks by incarcerating him.

    Agree about the EWWWWWW factor: hard to be rational when one encounters a man humping a plastic pool toy in public. Awkward to explain to the children. Unless it’s the Hangover 3 sequel.

    I love America.

  59. 59.

    OzarkHillbilly

    @Certified Mutant Enemy:

    Maybe St. Louis and Kansas City should secede from the rest of Missouri…

    What? And leave me behind??? No way! I’d have to move back to the city if that happened.

  60. 60.

    kindness

    I’m not vanilla nor a prude but I could never get how some people could get their kicks out of blow up dolls (let alone pool rafts). I just can’t make that connection although it is apparent some people will hump just about anything as this so thoroughly illustrates. Mind you I don’t think they shouldn’t be able to do it (in the privacy of their home). I just don’t get the hot and bothered/slippery vinyl connection. What ever floats your raft I guess.

    Twisted, slut or pervert? I’m thinking this is some kind of combo.

    This calls for a ‘Could Have Been Worse’ follow up though. I’ll start. Victoria Jackson. Ewww.

  64. 64.

    OzarkHillbilly

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Maybe get one a little less attractive?

    Definitely, and I can assure I wouldn’t get any water wings. You know, if you hold them just right, a little baby oil or some KY….

  65. 65.

    Poopyman

    What does Leviticus say on these matters?

    @Tractarian:

    Really, John? Do we need to draw you a diagram?

    That’s Betty’s department.

  66. 66.

    Percysowner

    It happened in Hamilton Ohio? Why am I not surprised? I lived there for 18 months and it was interesting. It had a 60 foot statue of Jesus memorialized in the song Big Butter Jesus<a href 'http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Mf2u9VWAhM&quot; It was struck by lightning and burned to the ground, which is either a comment by God on how he felt about the whole thing, or a statement about putting a big old statue with an iron foundation as the highest thing in the area. It also had a prosecutor who had to quit because he was caught wandering the county court and office building naked after they installed security cameras. And a mayor who resigned after he and a woman not his wife had to call the police because after he dressed up like Batman they lost the keys to the handcuffs that cuffed him to the bed. It also had more “gentlemen’s clubs” than any place I have ever seen. One of the clubs was across the street from Big Butter Jesus.

  67. 67.

    pamelabrown53

    @kindness:
    Could have been worse is most definitely “worse”. Horny people are horny and not be denied, public (exhibitionism) a whole different category. I wonder how many horny men haven’t spread their dicks with peanut butter and had “their best friend” lick it off.

    Q: Is peanut butter bad for dogs? Do lolcats like peanut butter? Do pets have peanut allergies? So many questions…

  68. 68.

    Randy P

    @The Other Chuck: probably due to publicity. 999 out of 1000 people probably heard the first report and thought, naturally enough, “Ewww” (with Swedish accent).

    But the other guy looked up from his newspaper, looked over at his bike in the corner, and thought “Hmmm…”

  71. 71.

    The Other Chuck

    @Randy P: Given that the population of Sweden is over 9 million, that’s over nine thousand people who had the same thought to børk børk børk their bike!

  75. 75.

    Jebediah

    @kindness:

    Maybe he’ll be nice enough to ask his neighbor to be the one who gives away the ‘bride’.

    Isn’t there a Nick Lowe song that would be perfect? “I knew the bride when she used to float in pools, I knew the bride when she used to float in pools…”

  76. 76.

    Trollhattan

    @Roger Moore:

    Yeah, I’d tell them to jump in a lake, presuming there was one in that hellhole. The century-and-a-half effort to create Alta California never happened and this sure isn’t going anywhere either, because there’s literally Not One Reason for it.

    These guys need a better brand of beer, is all.

  77. 77.

    pamelabrown53

    @Poopyman:
    What does Leviticus say on this matter?: Prohibition of shell-fish eating is just a euphemism for “no oral sex on women, ‘cuz it’s a done deal that we women taste fishy.

  78. 78.

    Face

    I wonder how many horny men haven’t spread their dicks with peanut butter and had “their best friend” lick it off.

    Chunky or creamy?

  81. 81.

    Southern Beale

    I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that the neighbor didn’t just say, dude: keep the raft. We’ll get another one. Honest.

    I mean seriously, he kept the raft???

    BTW some hilarious images were posted in comments over at Gawker related to this.

  82. 82.

    Keith

    I’ve heard of people doing the same thing with a sofa (presumably in their own homes with the shades drawn)

  84. 84.

    ninja3000

    3.) If it was his raft and he did it in the privacy of his home, would it still be a crime?

    In Ohio, yes. In New York, no…

  85. 85.

    burnspbesq

    @Amir Khalid:

    Could this have anything to do with five of the six-woman jury being mothers?

    That’s an extraordinarily cynical view of the situation. ;-)

  86. 86.

    Cassidy

    Speaking of horny men and whatnot…

    This weekend, Invicta FC 6 is happening. They’re the female fighting organization and they’re moving up to PPV. The main event is Cris “Cyborg” Santos taking on Marloes Coenen for the FW belt. Cyborg won their first match, but was later caught for steroids. She should be clean now and is tested frequently by IFC, but still has a significant amount of muscle mass, Coenen is a Dutch kickboxer and submission wiz and I’m hoping she wins. The card also features Thug Rose Namajunas, Rowdy Bec Hyatt, Joanne Calderwood, Leslie Smith, and Sarah D’Alelio. The whole card looks good, it’s not expensive, and Coenen is stunningly beautiful. That’s not related to the enjoyment of fighting, but she is a very attractive woman.

  88. 88.

    Randy P

    @kindness: Kind of OT but you remind me of a skit I saw at Second City a couple of years ago (my one and only time I was in Chicago, so I made a point of going to the Holy Land of Improv Comedy). It started out with a guy alone on stage, obviously preparing for a romantic date — music, candles, etc. Then he blows up his inflatable doll, played (scarily convincingly) by a female cast member. It was absolutely hilarious.

    Part of what makes this kind of improv so fun is that they do it without props except maybe for a few chairs, yet they manage to convey EXACTLY what they’re doing.

    Did BJers know that Stephen Colbert trained at Second City? I didn’t, until I saw his picture on the wall there. In fact I think they mentioned him on stage as having originated one of the skits they did that night.

  90. 90.

    Roger Moore

    @Trollhattan:

    Yeah, I’d tell them to jump in a lake, presuming there was one in that hellhole.

    No naturally occurring ones, but there are plenty of reservoirs that are called lakes. And yes, I’d agree that any state whose cultural capital would be Greeley would qualify as a hellhole.

  92. 92.

    peach flavored shampoo

    If you’re getting enjoyment out of banging the cupholder, you may want to audition for pr0n.

  94. 94.

    boatboy_srq

    @pamelabrown53: No, the prohibition is against oral sex with armored women (fish with the bones on the inside are just fine, remember). Which is also why women in the military is such a problem for some people.

    Rubber Ducky? It’s Mannequin that’s stuck in my head. Although “Poppa’s Blues” from Starlight Express may have had a thing or two to say here as well…

  96. 96.

    GxB

    Have only skimmed the responses, apologies if someone beat me to it (happens a lot) but the obvious joke here:

    the raft was asking for it, acting all coy and shit, you can’t expect a man to control his urges when it’s all inflated and buoyant and such…

    /redstate poster

  97. 97.

    danimal

    I’m not sure I’m able to tell a male raft from a female raft. Does it have something to do with the location and structure of the airhole?

  100. 100.

    Trollhattan

    @Cassidy:

    Jayzuz, google translate is no help since I can’t figgur out the source language. Oddly, there are familiar verbs and shit. I’m going to guess the topic is either a computer game or soccer.

  101. 101.

    gene108

    I find the condemnation of men masturbating with inanimate objects sexist.

    There’s a whole industry dedicated to provide women with inanimate objects to masturbate with.

    The whole doing it in your neigbhors yard with their property wrong, but it is about time a Nan’s needs in sec toys was addressed.

    End the gender inequality in adult toys now!

  103. 103.

    boatboy_srq

    @gene108: If the guy had made off with his neighbor’s Fleshlight and got nasty with it, it’d be one thing. Instead he did it with a raft.

    Though the in the neighbor’s yard part is definitely beyond the pale.

  106. 106.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ

    Did he wear a rubber when fooling around with his rubber lover? Enquiring minds want to know!

    PS: This brings to mind an interesting discussion by a local shock jock about TX outlawing male “self-pleasure” and the toys one buys to achieve that. The news article was satire but the eejits missed that AND more importantly missed the fact that if the law had been real, they’d have the same status women actually have now in the U.S. If you want the details…..here.

  109. 109.

    Felonius Monk

    The only real question here is: Did the raft hump back?

    Also, too: Was there penetration? If so, was it still a raft after the deed was done?

    Just curious.

  114. 114.

    Felonius Monk

    @NickT:

    I bet a humpback raft could give you a whale of a time.

    Yeah, especially if it has an attractive blow-hole.

  115. 115.

    Less Popular Tim

    @AnnieB: I’m inclined to agree, particularly as it is crystal clear that this is related to meth use, which is known to increase libido significantly. Somewhat like the national hilarious “joke” about rape in prisons (although I acknowledge that there are quite a few posters here that don’t find humor in that either).

  117. 117.

    Svensker

    @Violet:

    Sure sounds like him. That is really sad. Stuck could be an irritating pain in the arse but he was a really good guy and I sure have missed him around here. Hope li’l Charlie has a good home and isn’t too lonely for him. :(

  118. 118.

    gmann

    Boston and Seattle BJ meet-up at the helium filled pink raft held in place with a tire rim. . .

  120. 120.

    PhoenixRising

    @Mandalay: What KIND of hospital? is one of my questions.

    Cincinnati is the northernmost city in the South, and Ohio’s Jesus-related weirdness all seems to happen nearby. So…

    As God is his witness, he thought that was a doll!

  121. 121.

    Elizabelle

    Has anyone seen a picture of the raft?

    Maybe not, in keeping with privacy practices re victims of unwanted sexual attention.

    But I am wondering what is so great about this raft that the neighbors kept it after it was defiled the first time — entrapment!

    I would have given it to Mr. Tobergta, with chocolates and a bottle of cheap champagne or at least Malt Duck (if they even still make that) … Night Train, or MD 80, if necessary. That would be the neighborly thing to do.

  122. 122.

    Keith G

    On topic…mental illness can be so fucking gruesome as it steals away the promise of a once hopeful life.

    And in America, the mentally ill get sneered at more than they get helped.

    U-S-A U-S-A

  126. 126.

    crack

    @Mnemosyne: Why hasn’t he purchased the raft? Why hasn’t the neighbor just given it to him at this point? Is the neighbor actually still using it?

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