I was lying down trying to fall asleep before 6 or 7 am, and I realized I have spent the night penning odes about how much I love my family and it dawned on me that I am such a self-absorbed asshole I forgot to tell you that dad is ok. It was a very deep cut and he had an x-ray to check for nerve and bone damage, but in the end it just required some stitches. He’s still on blood thinners, though, so it took forever to get the blood to stop. And thus, the unique Cole ability to cause grievous bodily harm while cleaning continues on.
But seriously, dad. Who the hell cuts themselves removing the rubber in the bottom of the dishwasher and slices their hand on the exposed metal (THAT THE FUCKING LAWYERS AND ENGINEERS PUT THE RUBBER THERE TO PROTECT YOU FROM) because something wasn’t surgically clean. For the love of everything holy, I hope this OCD ends before you turn 80 or only have one finger left. Damned Germans are all dirt nazis.
OK, now, off to bed. I’ll try to sleep despite the traumatic events of the last 24 hours, worst of which is me having to face the fact that I love you all. And this Floyd album seems appropriate.
*** Update ***
Fuckitall, I am damaged goods right now. Posted this, went outside to sit there for a minute and clear my head before bed, got up and went inside, grabbed the sliding door and said “C’mon Tunch, bedtime,” stood there for a second, and then realized again that he is dead and I will never rub his belly again or yell at him for bitching at me or hear him chirp or purr or feel him rub between my legs or have him fight my hand as I tried to use the mouse while working or headbutt me when he wants attention or feel him jump up in bed next to me and walk up and down the bed for a few minutes before settling down next to my left ear and sleep with me, purring me to sleep.
I can’t fucking take this. I protected him for years and then he was killed sunning himself in our yard. Fuck it all. I’m going away from the blog for a few days.
opie_jeanne
Glad your dad is ok. Thanks for letting us know, but you’ve been through hell the past two days so don’t blame yourself for not keeping us posted.
I hope you sleep well tonight.
liberal
Is it just me, or are there hoards of lawyers on the ‘tubes defending the Zimmerman verdict?
I googled, and it seemed Keynes said something like “justice is too important to be left to the lawyers,” though I can’t find the context in which Keynes was speaking.
Funnily enough, a front-pager at Atrios’ place put up a plea for a funding appeal for “Talk Left.” I peeked into the comment section (never was a fan of the signal to noise ratio there, BTW), and someone said he took a look there, and in light of the Zimmerman/Martin discussion wouldn’t be coming back, let alone giving any money.
Thoughtcrime
I was wondering about your dad John. Great to hear he’s fine. You will be, too.
And, “Wish You Were Here” is one of my favorite albums. Never tire of it.
Thoughtcrime
@liberal:
Are they defending the verdict by saying that the jury followed the logic of a stupid Florida law? Or because they feel that Zimmerman did no wrong?
Big difference. And it appears to me the bigger problem is the stand your ground law.
Thoughtcrime
@David Koch:
And it’s about to get a lot more plays:
http://www.sfgate.com/news/world/article/Asiana-to-sue-San-Francisco-TV-station-over-names-4664375.php
Thoughtcrime
Do what you need to recover. But if you go away, at least keep in touch with the front pagers to pass along that you’re doing OK.
Deal?
Skippy-san
Again, my sincerest condolences. And I am afraid I am with you on the Pit Bull thing. They are not a good breed.
Yatsuno
Take care of yourself. We’ll all still be here when you get back.
mattH
Take care. See when you feel like coming back.
ArchTeryx
I’ve been in and out myself, but just peeked in. I hope that you do whatever it takes to work out your grief – you take care of you for a while, not us.
Though I am glad that you posted the details about your family and the circumstances; I was wrong before.
alicia-logic
Grief is what it is and yields to no shoulds.
Skippy-san
Regarding Trayyon Martin- I saw the most disgusting thing when one of my friends on Facebook posted a response to one of those wacko anti-Obama Facebook pages. It showed a picture of a black soldier who had been killed in Iraq-and beside it a picture of Martin. The thrust of it was that Martin deserved to die because his character was not equal to that of the soldier. When several people tried to point out that wasn’t the main point at all-well the response makes me ashamed of my fellow countrymen.
What people seem to forget is one-Zimmerman followed Martin, after being advised not to. And second and more importantly , contrary to popular misconception, the burden of proof lay on Zimmerman to demonstrate that he acted in self-defense, not on the state to show that he didn’t. “Innocent until proven guilty” only applies to culpability for the offense in question, and no one has argued that Zimmerman didn’t pull the trigger that ended Martin’s life. While someone who has committed a violent crime obviously has the right to defend himself, we set a dangerous precedent if we automatically give the benefit of the doubt to the murderer instead of the victim.
Too many people are losing sight of that. And we will have future Zimmermans, of that we can be assured.
Goblue72
If same thing happened to my and my wife’s kitty, there’d be a smear where the pit bull was and we’d still be out for blood. So don’t beat yourself up for being human.
Also too – http://youtu.be/Y52bs0aX6v8
Batocchio
Seriously, John, do whatever you need to do. The blog will be fine. Spend time with other people if you don’t want to be alone, spend time alone if you can’t deal with other people, whatever. Grief hits in different ways at different times, and must be respected. Take care of yourself… and cut yourself some slack, too.
Villago Delenda Est
@Thoughtcrime:
It’s one thing to say that the jury was hamstrung by the idiocy of Florida’s law on self defense.
It’s another thing to believe that Zimmerman was justified in his actions. Because that way lies Auschwitz.
liberal
@Thoughtcrime:
First, apparently, it wasn’t a SYG trial. I’ve seen reasonable comments that there was something in SYG in the jury instructions,but overall, Z’s lawyers did not offer a SYG defense.
Second, while not saying Zimmerman did nothing wrong, they’re saying the verdict is reasonable, that they themselves would vote to acquit, that this verdict would be the correct one in essentially every state, etc.
AFAICT, their claim is that once Z made a claim of self-defense, it was up to the state to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn’t self defense (at least, self defense in the sense that a reasonable person in Z’s situation would perceive a threat of death or grievous bodily harm).
This would imply to me—given that no evidence has arisen that Martin used anything approaching lethal force—that I could go out anywhere in US (SYG law or not), pick a fight with someone, and shoot them dead, and then claim self-defense, and unless the state could produce hard evidence to the contrary, then I should skate. Almost as if the state is being forced to prove a negative.
My own understanding of the basic, perhaps common law, rules were that you can’t use lethal force unless it’s shown against you. Not that you can’t use lethal force unless you can’t make up bullshit claims to the contrary. Maybe that should be amended to say “unless your audience is composed of (a) racists, (b) gun nuts, or (c) defense lawyers.”
liberal
@Villago Delenda Est:
No, if you read posts and comments at even extremely liberal sites like “Lawyers, Guns and Money,” you’ll see that many lawyer types think the verdict was reasonable, even apart from the FL aspects.
For example, Scott Limieux [spelling?] seems to imply that the jury verdict was a not-unreasonable outcome even in the legal regime prior to the advent of SYG laws, and the thing which has created a combustible combination is the increased prevalence of handguns being carried. So if I’m reading him right, he’s claiming that in most places in the US, even thirty years ago, if two people got in a fight and one blew the other away, the same verdict could happen, and it wouldn’t be unreasonable.
am
@Skippy-san:
You’re wrong. They are a good breed. They may not appropriate for everyone (nor are greyhounds, dachshunds, jack russel terriers) but pits have been some of the best dogs I’ve known.
No dog turns out good when it’s tied up, not neutered, or not socialized. And that fate happens way too often to amstaffs.
If _every single pit_ disappeared tomorrow then it would be dobermans, boxers, german shepherds, rottweilers, or bulldogs that would be favored by the tough-guy crowd. And the predictable would happen, and that would get labeled a dangerous breed.
Villago Delenda Est
Oh, and John…
What you experienced was what my NCOs used to cal a “major emotional event”. In such an event, the logic and reason circuits are overloaded and pure emotion is dispensed by a fire hose. Naturally, the shock of Tunch’s death, and the manner of it, tripped some circuit breakers in your head and now, 30 hours or so later, they’re kicking back in, and you’re feeling guilt and shame for a reaction that is…here we go…perfectly human. Especially for someone who demonstrates a tremendous amount of righteous compassion…especially for your fur bearing close friends.
Please do not kick yourself so hard. Your sister and brother need some attention, too, because they’re feeling even worse than you are, and you know how bad you’re feeling.
mrsbeamin
I’m so sorry to hear about Tunch. I wasn’t able to get online for a day and I missed it. When I saw this post I burst out crying, my husband wondered what in the hell was wrong with me. He was an awesome cat, he was boss cat, and I’m glad you had the chance to know him. And I say that as an avowed dog person …. much love
liberal
@Skippy-san:
Again, as I’ve alluded above, lawyer types on the interwebs, even very liberal ones, claim this isn’t true, AFAICT.
liberal
@am:
A friend of mine had two; while they were very nice around people, they were hell on other animals. He told me that some cat got into their back yard and the two j.r.’s quickly dismembered that.
Besides which, most of the ones I’ve seen are hyper as hell. Never understood why someone would want one.
am
@liberal:
I have a terrier (not a jrt) and she’s similar. Not as hyper as a jack russell, but excitable. She has killed small backyard animals. You have to have one as a pet to understand: they are smart, loving dogs with outsized personalities. Definitely not for everyone, or every househould.
Mino
Wow. If self defense is that easy to claim and win in court with the burden on the prosecution to prove state of mind, I’m surprised more people don’t take advantage of it instead of claiming innocence.
OzarkHillbilly
Take care, John.
freemark
Do what ever you need to do John. This whole community is going to miss Tunch. His loss is felt by all including my kitty who is probably annoyed by all of the extra attention she has gotten the last 2 days.
amk
Tunch 2.0….. Only solution.
Kobekid
we love you Cole, hang in there man…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzH16l5kudU
Wrye
Our culture doesn’t have nearly enough respect for Grief, I think. About 15 years ago, I lost my brother and my fiancé about 6 weeks apart to sudden, random, shattering events. It was a very long time – about 2 solid years, and closer to three – before I was anywhere near normal. I remember one of my professors, saying to me, “Ah, so you are an only child now”.
It was not a helpful remark.
Take as much time as you need to, John. Really, it’s okay. And forgive us when we say unhelpful things. They come from a place of love and wanting to do…something, anything…to help.
I’m going to go tell a happy story in that other thread now.
Phylllis
I still catch myself on occasion picking up the phone to call my first husband, and he’s been gone well over seven years now. Let time do its work. As I learned with his loss, you don’t get over it, but you do get through it.
billgerat
@am: It has nothing to do with what a dog was bred for; it is all in how a dog is raised. I’ve known pits that were the most lovable dogs you ever seen. They get a bad rep for the way assholes train them to be vicious. My dog Max, who is some kind of a Scottie terrier, occasionally goes after my cat Cinder looking to play, not understanding that cats don’t play like dogs do. It’s the same for bigger dogs as well, and their bigger size and strength is what makes them more dangerous for cats, for they do not realize what they are doing. My sister has a British bull dog who is so huge (close to a 100 pounds) that thinks he’s a lap dog – last weekend he tried climbing up on me while I was sitting on the couch. He just doesn’t have any idea how big he is, but he wants to be a loveable dog like all the smaller ones she has. He has not a vicious bone in his body – a cat would have more to fear from him rolling over on it than him biting it. Any breed of dog raised properly can overcome the reason it was bred for. To blame a dog solely for his breed is ludicrous.
Marilyn Darst
Dammit John, I thought I was all cried out…..my birthday was yesterday (now), and since I am trying to get some fat off my body for my 50th high school reunion….had a major body shut-down and wasn’t there to enjoy my party…..tomorrow it will happen… I’ve only been enjoying this community for 3 or 4 months, and come to love it. Found you thru Charlie Pierce (shit, I’ve had a couple glasses of wine and didn’t spell that right), I’ve come to love and look forward to seeing Tunch….I have a basement Tunch…she came home with my daughter in her Vet-Tech smock pocket for lunch…..and I said…NONONO!!! we have 2 dogs and my old lady cat already…. long short story….I have my basement cat……there is another lover out there for you, and when you are ready, it will come to you…..in my 68 years on this planet, I have loved and lost. But I don’t think I have lost as deeply as you have…I’m old enough to be your mother, and my heart breaks for you…be kind to yourself, and you know you can’t quit us….but if you need it..take it!
asiangrrlMN
I’m glad your dad is OK, Cole.
As for you, take all the time you need and look after yourself. This is a traumatic event, and you’re going to be a ball of emotion over it for quite some time. The blog will be here when you get back, and so will all of us (even those of us who come and go), rooting for you.
Sarah in Brooklyn
John, it’s breaking my heart to see you going through this. Do whatever you need to do. It’s grief, and there’s nothing for it but time.
Randy P
@Thoughtcrime: Big difference. And it appears to me the bigger problem is the stand your ground law.
This. After hearing about other situations with no charges (like the guy who went to his ex’s boyfriend’s house to commit what used to be premeditated murder of the boyfriend), I was frankly surprised that Zimmerman was even arrested, that a prosecutor could charge him with a crime under Florida law. Murder has been legalized in Florida, period, end of story.
If Floridians would like murder to be illegal again, they need to pass a law.
@Cole: Probably this won’t help, but I gather the big guy was at least 12, and that really isn’t a bad age for a cat to reach. He was well into his senior years, and he unquestionably had a good life with you. Hell, a better life than most people.
Joey Maloney
Be kind to yourself, John.
Suzie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXKxazgio2s
raven
John taking a break is not the end of the world. Give the dude a break.
tanman
John,
My condolences to you, and I second the others advising to do whatever you need to in order to get through this. As an adult I have not owned any pets but as a child I had a harlequin calico named Cinnamon. She was rather standoffish as calicos tend to be and I was a dopey kid who probably did nothing to make her want to be less standoffish, but I loved that cat. She died of natural causes while I was away at college, and I know she was suffering near the end so it was probably for the best. The reason I mention her is that I have always adored Tunch from afar because he physically reminds me of Cinnamon. And I was envious of how affectionate and attention seeking he was; it made me nostalgic for my own cat despite her aloofness. It was clear you adored him and you made a whole web community adore him too.
I don’t know what else to say except this news genuinely saddened me and I even lost some sleep over it myself. I don’t know you and I didn’t know Tunch but damned if I didn’t lose sleep over it. I hate to say this but it made me angry, too, and I am not sure if I were in your place that dog would have left the house under its own power. As a child I witnessed a similar incident with a neighbor’s kitten and it’s one of my worst memories. I like dogs fine in general but I think I have grown up with a certain amount of bias against them because of that incident and others. I was always more of a cat person but I suspect a dog like Lily might make me think twice. I am glad she and Rosie are there to help you through this.
Anyway here’s to Tunch, he was indeed a magnificent fat bastard.
Rick Massimo
Come back when you want, John.
And yeah, I did think “His dad cut his hand cleaning the WHATNOW?!” But events overtook my opportunity to say it.
Just chill.
SixStringFanatic
That’s the thing about grief; it comes in waves. The first one is this giant wall of pain that leaves you sobbing and snotting and honestly wondering if you’ll ever get through it. And then it recedes and you start to feel better; you smile again and start to remember the good moments you had with your departed. And then another big wave crashes in on you and you’re right back in that dark place, sobbing and snotting all over again. And then that wave recedes and you feel better again. Rinse and repeat and repeat.
The good news is that each wave is a little smaller than the previous one and they crash in with less frequency as time goes by until finally, some day, it’s just a little ripple splashing your ankles so infrequently that you’ve forgotten the last little ripple entirely.
Just takes time.
Gindy51
John, I do the same thing and my old mutt, Cody, has been gone for 20 years. I have had other dogs but nothing has ever taken her place. I look at it as proof I am a good person, to know I can feel and love something gone yet still here in my heart. Same with my first pet rat, sure I had other ones but Glacier is the only one who’s name I remember, who’s scent I can still smell, and who’s fur I still touch in my dreams.
Your lovely Tunch will always be with you and with everyone you shared him with.
JPL
John, Your love of animals has helped with the rescue of many animals and it all started with Tunch. That is something that will continue. Take care.
ErinSiobhan
Last year we lost a cat to coyotes and I was the one who let her out. I still have a clear memory of Jinx looking back at me before she disappeared around the corner of the house. The guilt never really goes away but the edge comes off the pain and you remember less often. And you will be able to smile about the good memories. I would tell you not to beat yourself up but I know there is no real way to stop the “would have, could have, should have” train of thought. Just remember – it does get better. Eventually.
Narcissus
You can’t manage grief. It’ll take as long as it takes and there is nothing wrong with that. Don’t expect to recover or adjust so soon.
Magda
John,
I am a regular reader, tho not a commenter.
I broke down and cried, repeatedly. You have my utmost sympathy.
Take care.
Magda
Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony
I didn’t check the blog for a couple of days, so I just found out. I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself. I am sending love to you and your family. Tunch was a wonderful cat.
RoonieRoo
Please don’t go away from the blog right now. I know the comments are a mixture of good and bad but I really think you need the community right now and place to work through the grief.
Angela
As many others have said, do what is best for you. Grief has its way with us and it is nowhere near as neat as five stages.
Still holding you, and your family, in the Ligbt.
Shakezula
Oh no, I had no idea. I’m sorry. I’ll be honest and say that in a few years it won’t hurt so much. But it is going to hurt.
the lost puppy
Good God. I can feel my own heart being ripped out. Shit.
lonesomerobot
Losing a beloved pet really hurts far too much. Take time to grieve, it is very necessary. But one day, there is going to be just one thing that helps the grieving end, and that’s going out and rescuing the next best cat ever. It won’t be tomorrow, or next week, but it’s the only thing that comes close to helping the pain subside.
So sorry, again, about your loss. We got your back, John.
bemused
You were thrown into sudden, deep grief and your emotions are bouncing off the walls like a bunch of balls in a pinball machine. You are way, way too hard on yourself.
Rosalita
I wish you wouldn’t go away for a few days. I think you need the outlet and we’re happy to be here for you.
becca
Here’s to Tunch.
He was SOME CAT.
We will all miss him so.
The Tragically Flip
The update is heartbreaking. Sorry, John. Sorry, Tunch. I’ve been extra nice to our two cats since reading of your loss. I mean, I’m always nice to them, but this is such a sad reminder that life is fragile and one had best appreciate those around you while you can.
gogol's wife
@SixStringFanatic:
That is a great description.
zmulls
When my conure died — he was suffering organ failure and I had to have him put to sleep — I was devastated for a couple of days. He was with me for 20 years. They wouldn’t let me be with him when they did it, and I can still hear his little yelp when the needle went in.
It was a short, intense, overwhelming grieving. I buried him, I got rid of his cage, toys, everything. It was cathartic.
But after a couple of days I was sad but it was a memory. I miss him from time to time, remembering how constant his presence was, but he was this great friend for many years and he’s not here now.
I can’t imagine losing a pet in these circumstances, so I can’t imagine your grief will be as short. But everyone here will be raising toasts to Tunch (and feeding themselves) in his honor for years to come.
Elizabeth
Love you John, and your big ole heart. Just sending love.
gelfling545
@Skippy-san: It is sad. They are dogs bred for a specific use and a breed with which there is very little room between attack & kill. One cannot blame the dog for being what he was bred for but sadly, it still doesn’t make them safe to be around.
Biscuits
Please be gentle with yourself John. You’ve just endured a tragic and horrible experience. Thinking rationally is just not an option so close to the event. Time, rest. You don’t get “over” these things, just through them. Your heart is gonna be heavy for a while. I tear up every time I come here now. Taking a break too. Glad your dad is ok.
Nicole
Thanks for letting us know about your dad; I was thinking of him, too. My brother is also OCD about cleanliness, too, but not in a likely-to-injure-himself-cleaning kind of way, more in a likely-to-end-up-like-Howard-Hughes-but-without-the-money-or-friendship-with-Katherine-Hepburn kind of way.
I’m sure your two furry ladies will take good care of you for us while you’re away.
eemom
@SixStringFanatic:
@gogol’s wife:
Seconded.
So many good people here.
Chaplain Weasle
Oh f**ing f***!
I am soooo sorry for your loss.
I’m sitting here in a waiting room crying my eyes out for you & Tunch. I’m sooo sorry for you… even as a Chaplain who helps people with death, loss & mourning, I still lose my shit when I lose someone I care about – and I’ve become attached to you and Tunch & Lilli, and I am sad for you & feel sad & loss too.
Tunch is definately in the kitty version of Valhalla, lounging & feasting, Being Large & In Charge, as he has brought so much happiness to all of us & esp. you John. Sorry.
TheronWare
Glad your dad is ok. Very sorry for your loss of the Tunch. I loved all the pictures you shared of him, he will never be forgotten. Peace.
The Red Pen
A kindhearted coworker spotted my wiping tears from my face this morning. I didn’t read BJ all weekend because I couldn’t bear to see the Trayvon discussions. He asked me what was wrong and I wanted to say:
I’m upset because a cat died. I don’t really know the guy who owns the cat — in fact he’s made some effort to keep his private life separate from the blog — and I never met the cat. Am I just experiencing self-pity projected onto conveniently amorphous entities, or am I experiencing some legitimate loss, having established some kind of tangible attachment to other sentient beings through a medium that exists only because of our mutual capacity for intentionality? Do I even have a right to feel such attachment to these entities without the consent implicit in traditional forms of social connection?
Instead I said, “I got bad news about the death of a friend.” It seemed simpler.
Quinerly
So glad your dad is OK. Take a break from the blog. With all that you have shared over the years on this blog, Tunch will never be forgotten. We love you and come back soon.
crosspalms
I’m glad your dad is OK and I’m so sorry to hear about Tunch. Words fail.
nancydarling
For those of you who believe in an afterlife, there is a lovely little book written by an old Congregational minister on the death of his beloved cat—“Brown Boy:An Essay on Animal Immortality” by Dr. Harry Butman. There are a few copies available on Amazon.
Whatever religion I have retained as an adult comes from sitting in the pew listening to him on Sundays for many years. I can attest that Dr. B. has a towering intellect and is a first rate wordsmith.
Most of the time, I am agnostic on the idea of an afterlife. If there is one, I am positive that all my furry friends who were gone too soon will be there with me.
mellowjohn
in the 25 years or so my wife and i have been together, we’ve had upwards of 15 cats (not all at once, tho we did peak at 9. we’re down to 3 now). she still tears up when talking about some of them.
take all the time you need, john.
and see if you can find a kid’s book called the tenth good thing about barney by judith viorst. i’ve given it to lots of friends at times like this, and it really does kind of help. one person described it as “a very unitarian book.”
becca
Remember that nature is red in tooth and claw. You couldn’t keep Tunch safe from the natural world 24/7. What kind of life is that?
You have to let that go. It is self-inflicted pain.
Rick Taylor
It’s alright, John, I figured your father was ok or you would have said something, and that you probably didn’t think to tell us because of what you’re going through.
FlipYrWhig
@mellowjohn: I still have my copy of _Tenth Good Thing_, which I had had as a kid and which my mom sent me when we first lost a cat. It’s sweet, but it makes you cry and cry…
Digital Amish
We had to put our black lab, Kyu, down on New Years Eve. Today we still think it’s odd that he’s not waiting for us at the end of the driveway when we return home, as he unfailingly had for 12 years.
Forum Transmitted Disease
Prey drive: I understand what happened, although I doubt I could have shown the same restraint John did in letting the animal leave the house alive. Maybe now I could have, I understand some things I didn’t a few years ago.
I sure understand prey drive a lot more than I used to: I became the adoptive dad of a gorgeous shepherd/lab mix a couple of years ago. This dog was born to do nothing but hunt. She was taught from day one not to fuck with cats, and she does not. Ever. I’m not sure she can even perceive them anymore, my wife did such a good job of training her. Part of that is the obedience drive in both shepherds and labs is stronger than any instinct, part of that is that my wife is one of the best natural dog trainers I’ve ever met, and made sure the dogs knew – no cats or bunnies. So she doesn’t.
But you can only redirect nature, not squash it, and it must be done early or it can’t be done. My dog kills rats, gophers, birds, possums and birds at a rate I find astonishing, and is still doing in spite of being firmly in the grasp of old age and arthritis. I’m used to the world of cats, where they bring you a “present” every few days, but this dog up until last year was a killing machine, and she wasn’t sharing, she was eating everything she killed. Fucking gross watching a rat tail go down your dog’s gullet, like an errant piece of pasta.
But boy, John, Devon’s got a real twofold problem on her hands now:
1. that dog’s got a taste for cat blood now. If they do it once, they will do it again.
2. The dog is not exhibiting adequate impulse control – the drive to obey is being subsumed by the drive to kill. THIS is the problem with some breeds, especially terriers. It should always be the other way around – obedience over everything. This is the one that worries me. No creature, no cat, dog, child or adult is safe around an animal that kills when it knows it isn’t supposed to.
Devon’s going to have to make a brutal choice here in the next few days, and it going to have to be conscious and deliberate, and it is going to suck. She can keep a known killer and be hyper-vigilant about it for the rest of that dog’s life, or she can have it put down. No good options there.
Ragtime Willy
I don’t post here much, John; when I have in the past, it’s been as Tom Traubert. I haven’t been through this particular hell, but I’ve been through something very similar. My thoughts are with you, as are those of so many others. Stay strong.
LongHairedWeirdo
My friend, if you were being as abusive to *someone else* as you are being to *yourself*, I’d have to deck you.
Please be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to have strong feelings, it’s okay to have them turn on you and make you feel like you must have caused it, but you didn’t. Those kinds of thoughts are lies that brains just naturally fling about in times of distress, and they are as bad in their own ways as lies about how the earth isn’t warming, and women just want abortions because they like killing babies. They’re not as damaging to the rest of us, but they are damaging to someone we care about.
So please, stop accepting them. They’re natural to think – but you don’t have to believe them.
Birthmarker
Do whatever you have to do, JC. Your emotions are going to be up and down for a while.
My limited experience with pits is that they love humans but can respond very poorly to other animals. I think the sweetness toward their masters can blind the owners to the risk.
vicki
This is correct. I lost my dog on Saturday. She was just short of 12 1/2 years old, and it was pretty sudden, only a couple of days of illness, but then rapid decline, so it was a shock. I’m just at the beginning of dealing. I’m reading this thread for some comfort, and I know what you say to be true, and it actually is a comfort, so thank you.
(First time I’ve posted here. If it’s not obvious, this is a reply to sixstring.)
Ron
@Skippy-san: That’s a load of crap. Pit Bulls are fine if they are trained properly. Sure, they take more training than say, a pug, but there are no “bad breeds”.
eemom
@The Red Pen:
I like that one too.
Been thinking a lot about the whole “reality of internet connections” thing since we learned of General Stuck’s death…..and now intensified with this Tunch tragedy.
Violet
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, John. We will be thinking of you and miss you while you’re gone.
low-tech cyclist
Do whatever you need to do, John. There’s no right way or wrong way to mourn. We share your sadness, even if we don’t feel the loss of Tunch as intensely as you do, so we understand.
Ted & Hellen
A dedicated, intense period of mourning might be a really good idea.
We’re brainwashed in this country that we’re supposed to just “get over” trauma like this by staying busy, “moving on” asap, and it’s bullshit.
Think, weep, love, attend to you and yours, John.
dance around in your bones
I had a very much loved cat who died suddenly, and I used to ‘see’ her out of the corner of my eye, or disappearing around a corner. One night I swear I felt her jump up onto the bed like she used to and I turned on the light with a surge of hope. Nope.
Grief is a strange process, very individual and often long drawn out. Nobody can tell you how long it will last or when you will ‘get over it’. You just have to get through it in your own way, and if taking time out from the blog is part of that, so be it.
But we will miss you while you’re gone.
Ivan Ivanovich Renko
Do what you gotta do, brother fat man. We grieve with you.
Forum Transmitted Disease
@dance around in your bones: I have experienced this as well. No way to tell if it’s an artifact of my own brain, from habits ingrained, or whether there are truly such things as “ghosts”. Some things surrounding my wife’s former dog make me think it may be the latter, as this was a dog I never met personally. But some weird shit happens around our house sometimes.
@Ted & Hellen: Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth. “Walk it off, soldier!” No, I think not. Maybe I’m not missing a leg, but I’m missing something.
Kat
Just heard about Tunch, and I’m sick to my stomach. God, I’m gonna miss that cat. Take care of yourself, you have two other mouths to look after.
The Other Chuck
@Ron: There may be no “100% bad breeds”, because if there were, they wouldn’t be bred, but there are some that are seriously fucked up, usually in ways detrimental to the dog. Dalmations, for instance, are prone to blindness due to genetic disorders, and blind dogs tend to quite understandably bite in panic. But people want those goddam spots, so heedless of the harm to the dogs, people keep pure-breeding them instead of allowing the natural course of genetic diversity to take place. Ethical breeders won’t inbreed them directly anymore, but if the whole line is already heavily inbred, the damage is still done.
And look, pit bulls aren’t called that for the same reason as pit vipers, they were bred to fight and kill. That ain’t their fault, but they are a deadly weapon and require careful handling accordingly, such as never leaving them unsupervised with children and smaller animals. I couldn’t very well sanction euthanizing the breed, but people breeding pit bulls in a modern society are more irresponsible than those breeding dalmations.
The Other Chuck
@The Other Chuck: Dammit, misremembered my facts too late to edit — dalmations are prone to deafness.
lawguy
I understand how you feel I had almost the same thing happen with a beloved pet of mine many years ago. The anger and frustration was unbelievable and there is nothing, but to try to get through it, I don’t know how I did, but I did eventually. There is nothing but nothing that anyone can say to make things better. But it will get better.
dance around in your bones
@Forum Transmitted Disease:
At the time I attributed it to her spirit hanging around to comfort me. Perhaps it was my own brain, making up images and feelings – like some people say about near death experiences – to comfort me or to deny reality, I don’t know.
All I know was that is was simultaneously comforting and disconcerting. Mixed bag.
GeneJockey
I realize I’m late to this, and likely Cole won’t read this, but…
When I lost my Golden, I was similarly crushed.I couldn’t think of anything else for days. As I sat in the chair, where he used to come up next to me for lovies, my hand would reach out and not find him. If I did find a moment’s respite from the thoughts, I’d have an experience like yours, where I went to do something for him or with him that was automatic, and then I’d remember and the whole thing would come crashing in on me again.
This went on a long time, it seemed.
Over time, the reminders became less crushing, and less frequent. Hours would go by and I wouldn’t have thought about him and I’d feel guilty about it, but that’s how it’s supposed to work. Thoughts of Tunch will stop crushing you, and over time, more and more they’ll make you smile. At first it will be a sad smile.
It does get better, but you gotta let it run its course.
The Tragically Flip
@The Other Chuck: Yeah. I get upset at weiner dogs, scrabbling around on tiny legs, with such long backs. Poor little things why make more creatures like that? Because some people find them “cute”? Or the giant breeds that mostly keel over at 5 or 6 years of heart failure. I don’t know why people feared we’d “play god” with cloning. We’ve been doing it with selective breeding for some time already.
peorgietirbiter
I’ve been avoiding the news for a couple of weeks. My heart aches for you John, and for your beloved pet.
muddy
I had to euthanize a pit who I loved very much due to aggression. This was not a matter of training, I have had Rottweilers, a shepherd, other pits, and a mastiff mix amongst other strongwilled dogs. I had no problem training them, and people often noted how well behaved and what great dogs they were.
Then there was Nessa. She was a white pit, so sweet and so beautiful. And very aggressive by nature. The first day I brought her home, she leapt through the air to bite another dog on the neck as way of greeting. She had to leap 2x her own height to do it, she was a 4 month puppy and he was 125# pit mix. I had a much harder time getting her to mind than any dog I had previously. But it seemed okay, she did not attack the other cats and dogs anymore.
A neighbor’s cat came into the fenced yard. Nessa went for him, and the bigger dog joined in. I was right there and was able to get the cat away from them, of course the cat fucked me up as I was trying to get it back over the fence. I had a lot of stitches on the head and at the hairline, it bled like a sonofabitch. Not your Zimmerman trickle.
Anyway, back to working on the training extra hard. The big dog was very upset about my reaction and didn’t even want to play with his own cats after that. Nessa did not exhibit shame, but it seemed okay. But then the stupid damned cat came into the yard again, and I was not right there. She not only killed the cat but tore it up. That white dog was red red red. So I stepped up the supervision and training of course.
But there was a big difference in her between the time she wounded the cat, and the time she killed it. It was like a switch had gone off. She began to attack the other dog, and my cats, who were damned surprised. She was charging the fence at little kids walking past, snarling. When I chastised her for these things, she tried to bite me. One morning I woke up to find her standing over me with that wrong wrong look in her eyes, just inches from my face. I told her to move and she wouldn’t. I clocked her with the steel water bottle so that I could get up.
I took it up with professional trainers. I took it up with my vet. In the end I could not risk what she might do. She seemed so sweet when she wasn’t being vicious, but in a heartbeat she would just become bloodthirsty and have that demented look in the eye.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I have euthanized many pets when it came to their time, and felt I was helping them. I had never euthanized a young animal. My vet agreed with my choice, and said that most people would just take her to a shelter and let her be someone else’s problem.
Nessa the ungentle, my sweet pinky girl, was 3. Even now the guilt I feel is pretty overwhelming. On the other hand, I truly believe I made the best choice. Not every pit is a killer, and not every breed is good or bad. But the way she changed after the kill was truly remarkable. I do believe she was programmed that way. I think pits require more vigilance, and I say this as someone who loves the breed.
B Lehmann
A month after I lost my beloved Felony, the pitbull, my husband suffered a cardiac arrest and was in a coma for nine days. His recovery was very complicated. At night when he was sleeping, I’d listen to “nothing compares 2 U’ and “Sea of Love” think about my dog and cry my eyes out.
I still miss her. A puppy showed up at my door a year ago and there are some uncanny similarities to the Feldog but the new girl is a neurotic mess–a product of backyard breeding and poor socialization. I think that my experience with Felony helps me cope with Tempest and honors her memory.
Take your time with your grief and be kind to yourself,
TheOtherWA
I’m glad your dad’s ok. Sending good thoughts to your entire family. Take care of yourself, John, we’ll be here when you feel like returning. {{{hugs}}}
CAfan
We love you too.
tesslibrarian
@dance around in your bones: I had dreams about the cats I lost in 2009. The good one: I came across my grandparents (also gone) and the kitty girls were with them. They were sitting outside on steps, at a house and in a neighborhood I didn’t know but was clean and neat with a nice lawn, and I know I talked with them, and everyone seemed well and okay and I woke up feeling better. My grandparents were wonderful people; I liked knowing the girls were well loved.
The not-good one: They both emerged together from a darkened hallway, and the needier one kept trying to get me to pet her, but both had greasy, messy fur and moved oddly. The smarter one kept looking angry I’d brought her here, and I realized their weird fur, the strange movements, were because they had died and weren’t right in this realm anymore. That one actually helped me finally place their ashes and their stuff (bowls, toys, vet records, rabies tags) into my wooden chest and move on a bit. But it was upsetting at the time.
Another_Bob
My dad passed away in May. For someone who’d been there for my entire life up until the day he died, his existence was the default setting, and something that’s almost hard-wired into my consciousness. As you note with Tunch, it’s a recurring shock that happens several times a day when you realize that he’s actually gone. Perhaps there’s some primitive part of your brain that doesn’t, or can’t, accept that truth at first, and the realization may take weeks or months to slowly percolate into your subconscious. Grieving can be a long, painful process, but it’s the price you have to pay for having loved someone. That’s life, I guess.
amy c
@muddy: Wow. That had to be such a brutal decision to make. But it was also totally unselfish; you did something incredibly hard because you thought it was right, rather than spare yourself the sadness and the guilt. Really impressive.
And thank you, too, for noting that you can love pit bulls and also acknowledge that they take more vigilance at the same time. I know a few folks who are constantly instagramming pictures of their “pibbles” cuddling, complete with sarcastic comments about how vicious the breed is. I get that they feel maligned, but it worries me when folks are so committed to defending the breed that they don’t even consider the possibility of violence.
Mnemosyne
@Forum Transmitted Disease:
Yep. Now that the Coles know that Kiwi cannot be trusted around other pets, Devon cannot bring her to family events. Family can’t bring their dogs to her house. Kiwi cannot be taken to a dog park. She cannot be let off leash outdoors, ever. Even if Kiwi can be re-homed, it needs to be 100 percent clear to her new owners that Kiwi is dangerous to other animals and every precaution must be taken to prevent her from getting near cats or smaller dogs.
It sucks for everyone, but it’s either that or have her put down. There’s no middle ground of well, maybe she won’t do it again. She will, and next time it might be someone’s child that the dog registers as “not-human.”
dance around in your bones
@tesslibrarian:
Wow, that not-so-good dream is shades of Stephen King’s Pet Semetary……….or, they were asking you to let them go?
If I had a single cat, I would always get rid of their ‘stuff’ right away or it would reduce me to tears every time I saw the stuff. Heck, I had a landlord whose dog I knew until it died, and he moved the dog’s old bed into the garage? and every time I saw the bed I would tear up. Plus, the dog’s footprints were in the cement in front of the door. He was a sweet ol’ doggie.
johnny aquitard
@am:
No they are not.
“Pit bulls have constituted approximately 2% of the dogs in the U.S., and a review from 1979 to 1988 of fatal dog attacks in the U.S. determined that pit bulls were implicated in 42% of the attacks in which breed was recorded”
“A 5-year (2001–05) review of dog attack victims admitted to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia determined that pit bull terriers were implicated in more than half of the bites where breed was identified. Of the 269 patients where breed was identified, 137 (51%) were attacked by pit bulls”
Outside of the dogfighting pit they are are a “fuck-you” breed.
They are aggressively dangerous to everyone else, especially children and pets. Including children and other family members of the owner.
I think that’s why assholes who own them like them. They like the meanness the aggressiveness, and the threatening. Deep down inside they like having their dog put everyone else in their place. It’s why you got a fucking animal that does what a put bull does. It’s stupid to pretend otherwise.
moderateindy
Cole:
You obviously garner a great deal of comfort and inspiration from music. A trait I find to be universal with Deadheads. Here is a song that will undoubtedly make you start crying again, but it is really a nearly perfect representation of your last few days. The song is by Old Crow Medicine Show, and is called; We’re All in This Thing Together..
The opening line………Well my friend I see your face so clearly
http://youtu.be/_TXNSipWUiE
muddy
@amy c: Thank you. It was damn hard, and most people say things like, “Did you call Cesar Milan?”
LanceThruster
One of the harder parts of going through a loss like this are those waking moments when you think things are still the same, and then gradually remember that there is a new reality for you to face. It makes the pain fresh and recurring.
I hope it helps John some to know others have trod this ground before…but it is a lonely road nonetheless.
sb
@Ted & Hellen: That was beautiful, T & H.
sherparick
@liberal: Yes, sometimes the jury accepts self-defense and sometimes they don’t. When it is a one on one fight and we only here the survior’s story, the survivor has the advantage unless the forensic’s or very relevant and material inconsistent statements. The biggest tactical error the prosecution perhaps made was putting on Mr. Zimmerman’s self-defense for him by playing his two interviews with the police. The biggest problem, and remember the original focus of complaint, is that the Standford police department took Mr. Zimmerman’s self-defense statement at face value the night of the shooting and did not investigate it as a possible murder or manslaughter like they should have done. Hence most of the forensics that could have confirmed or disproved Mr. Zimmerman’s statements were lost.
B Lehmann
@muddy: I agree with your decision 100%. I’m a big advocate for pits but the reality is that they do require eternal vigilance. People who deny this contribute to the problem. My pit is never allowed unsupervised interaction. No dog park, no off-leash, no sayng “Hi”. I don’t work so I constantly interact with my dogs and they have a great life even with these restrictions but not all pit owners are as careful. And no, they were never “nanny dogs.”
tesslibrarian
@dance around in your bones: I thought they were asking me to let go. I lost one somewhat suddenly in May, after the other’s cancer diagnosis that took her in December. When she died right before Christmas, I was incredibly sick with a staph infection, and nothing was really processed for me until the following year. They were my college cats, part of my life before my husband came around, and some of the items I put in the chest were from when it was just the three of us in a crappy apt together.
When we lost our cat Jack last year to the same rare cancer that took my cat in December, 2009, I gathered up all his things right away and went back to work after a day. I don’t know if the lingering sadness of losing him is still this sense that, having died young, he feels stolen, or that I didn’t just live with his things for awhile without him. But by then we had the Wee Beasties, and they weren’t responsible enough for some of his toys, and there wasn’t much choice.
hrumpole
I stop reading for a week and …
I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry doesn’t seem to cut it.
Skippy-san
@Ron: Sorry, I’m with John on this one-my experiences with them have not been positive. Suffice it to say I would never own one-but if you enjoy them, good on you.
am
@johnny aquitard:
You are, at a minimum, somewhat maths and stats illiterate. You are also selectively citing the Wikipedia page, since the next section undermines your point. If you could disagree like an adult, though, I would have been happy to have continued the discussion. Regards.
Larkspur
@muddy: This is so similar to the story of a Portuguese Water Dog I used to walk and house-sit. He had to be euthanized at age four, after much consultation with dog behaviorists and trainers. I know what you mean about a switch going off. I still do not understand the cause of his escalating aggression, but I suspect that his mental wiring was damaged somehow.
His aggression focused on humans. (He barked at the small dog he lived with, but made no physical attacks on him.) It was so hard to see this formerly sweet, if hyper, young dog get more and more tense. During one of his episodes, you could see a kind of mask drop down. His eyes would turn cold and hard, his face rigid, then he’d explode and race around barking. Eventually he started lunging at us during episodes, and toward the end, he started biting. After one significant bite (not the nips and torn clothes he’d already done), I had to stop taking care of him, and shortly after that, after he tried to kill the UPS guy (he didn’t connect; the UPS guy wasn’t hurt) they had to put him down. Despite the threat and injury, my heart was broken and I kept thinking that we could have figured out how to modify his behavior. But the risk was too great. Somehow he got broken. I don’t know if Kiwi is broken, too. It’s an awful situation.
Robert Watkins
john be safe and take all the time you need. it isn’t easy when you lose your best friend. many of us have and it takes time. let your heavy heart be lightened by the wonderful memories you have of that beautiful fat bastard.
StringOnAStick
Such a glorious kitty. I started coming here for other reason, but I stayed because of that wonderful photo, and all the other photos and stories, but mostly because of the huge heart of John and his furry friends.
It’s gotten much better, but I still blame myself for the loss of my best buddy 25 years ago. It wasn’t his fault that I had trouble getting housing when I went away to college, and that the other side of the duplex got a person with a dog 2 weeks after I moved in. After that he would only use the front yard and a car got him. The only solace is it was quick, but I swear I heard him call to me in my head just as it happened. I saw his shadow everywhere in the weeks after that.
It takes time for the good and happy memories to lift you up without the pain of loss biting deep. All I can offer is the knowledge that eventually this happens; it just hurts like hell getting there.
mellowjohn
@FlipYrWhig: i’m 66 and i still can’t read it without coming close to tears. it’s even worse when it’s in reference to a recently departed pet.
Paul in KY
@am: Difference is that those other ‘tough guy’ breeds bite & release. A pit bull bites & hangs on & chews.
Paul in KY
@muddy: Man, you went way farther than I would have. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Probably saved all your cats lives & maybe yours too.