Just made a delicious sandwich- took one of the seasoned chicken breasts I cooked, warmed it up on the stove and melted a piece of pepperjack, toasted a roll, shmeared some avocado instead of mayo, added some horseradish, threw the chicken on the bottom bun, added some fresh tomato and a piece of bibb lettuce, threw the top bun and then ever so gingerly cut it in half so each side of the sandwich would have all the components and a haphazard slice wouldn’t leave all the tomato on one side and all the lettuce on the other and one side would have an ounce of chicken and the other side would have 4 ounces, and went to the lazyboy.
Pulled around the tv stand that houses my laptop, put the food down, and relaxed. The AC is on 72, got a fan on me, it’s quiet and I am about to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers: the Complete History because I hate this time of year and we still have 44 days until college football, the lavender essential oil is still smelling good, and all I want to do is eat my sandwich, say goodnight to Boss, and go to bed with the girls.
I go to bite into my sandwich, look down, and see two dogs staring at me with the intensity of a 13 year old boy who has just seen his first Playboy centerfold, and I realize that right now, at this very instant, I am the most powerful, omnipotent, dominant, redundant and in charge I will ever be over anything for the rest of my life. This is it. I am at my apex, my zenith. The height of my power and authority and dominance and control.
So I did what anyone would do. I broke one half of the sandwich into quarters and gave them to Rosie and Lily, and then munched on the other half.
I’m 43 and I done peaked.
I suspect you’ll find that ‘Peak Cole’ is also a myth.
Looking forward to you at 53.
Just a middle-aged softie.
The horseradish must have been a surprise.
Oh, and Bibb, not bib, lettuce.
Though the idea of an edible bib made of lettuce might just catch on in some lobster palaces.
Done out of your food by well-deployed Bambi eyes. What a softie.
Just back online after a long day–did anyone post the Boston-area meetup pictures? We had fun and ice cream, and hope to do it again soon.
I hate this time of year too, dog days of summer and total lull in sports action. I went to work today in full Bengals regalia, football & hockey season (and the weather that comes with it!) just can’t get here fast enough.
Brain cells just fired with a 25 years ancient anecdote about my goofy black lab mix at the time, Argos,
Never taught her to do it – it was something she instituted entirely on her own from the very first time she got a burger.
Once in every other blue moon, would grab a burger at a fast food place and also buy a plain burger intended for the dog.
She’d take it in her mouth and carry it over to where her food bowl was, then carefully place it on the floor.
Then commenced the ritual:
1) Gingerly remove the top bun and place it on floor, 4 steps to the right.
2) Pick up the meat and place it on the floor, two steps to the right.
3) Go over and eat the top half of the bun.
4) Move to the left and eat the bottom half of the bun
5) Return to the meat and eat that.
Every. Single, Time.
I’d keep that habit. Your heart will thank you for it.
@JenJen: Bring on the boys of fall I say!
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
How long does it take to get through the first 35 years of Stillers’ history? Three minutes? Five? And how much of that time is dedicated to explaining the Steagles? I figure the last 40 minutes or so has gotta be dedicated to explaining how the refs have royally screwed the Stillers for the past four years or so.
Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn
Daniel Craig is about 6 years younger than me, and even though I’m significantly rounder than he and a hell of a lot less rugged looking, I still look younger than he does, which makes me smile.
And he’ll likely be making action pics long after decided to use a walker for no other than just — old, and ya can’t be too careful.
Glad the love is flowing through the Cole household.
I’m 43 and I done peaked.
The diet is going well, then?
I suppose if you feed half of everything you want to eat to your pets, it would be.
Cole will probably ban me, but I hate football.
Have the girls and Boss sniffed each other through the gate yet?
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): I figure the last 40 minutes or so has gotta be dedicated to explaining how the refs have royally screwed the Stillers for the past four years or so.
The hell with you, too!! They won’t talk about how the refs screwed Mike Renfro. So you can take your whining and shove it. Karma and all that!!
Higgs Boson's Mate
You made me realize that I was hungry. Sitting in the fridge were left over homemade chicken fajitas. Some quick chopping yielded fresh guacamole sauce with chopped tomatoes, green onions, garlic and fresh cilantro. Heated up the fajitas, some flour tortillas and combined all for a late-night feast. And of course dog showed up for his cut. Yes, I put some fajitas on a saucer for him and yes he ate them and then went back to sleep.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
Slow down there, Tex. I was just tweaking John “The Refs Have It In For The Stillers” Cole there, not agreeing with him.
FWIW, I couldn’t agree with you more about the Renfro catch.
The prophet Nostradumbass
There are few things I hate more than avocado, absolutely can’t stand them, and I’m from California.
James E. Powell
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again):
Can that have been written by anyone but a Browns fan?
James E. Powell
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good sandwich must be in want of a dog.
@Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn:
Daniel Craig still has two James Bond movies to go. The producers should cast Rachel Weisz as the main villain in one of them. Then he can show them to the kids: “This is the bit where Mum has Dad tortured, and here’s where Dad shoots Mum between the eyes.”
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@James E. Powell:
Ha. No. Look at my handle.
John, John, John — I hate to be a bummer BUT you shouldn’t be feeding your dogs your sandwich, not even half of it. How about a nice jar of treats on the table at your elbow for occasions like this?
“the ASPCA includes avocados on the list of people foods that are unsafe for pets, with this warning, “The leaves, fruit, seeds and bark of avocados contain Persin, which can cause vomiting and diarrhea in dogs.”
@James E. Powell: likewise, a woman in the process of shredding chicken for enchiladas must be in want of a cat.
The sounds coming from Annie were as if she had been starving for weeks on end. So pitiful.
Well, he’ll discover that in an hour or three.
I’m 63 and I’ll be goddamn if I’ve peaked!
@raven: 61, and hear, hear. Movers came yesterday, and I made it to Bloomington last night. They’ll be here later this morning and the fun begins anew.
@K488: I asked but forgot to check back, Indiana or Illinois?
Well it’s Friday night in NZ and I’m fucking furious. Not that any of you should care. I’m a criminal defense barrister, and one of my number is on trial for smuggling a goddamn iPhone into prison to a rapist and murderer she was acting for and is in love with. She is quite plainly as guilty as fuck, and is trying to claim that she was set up by a shadowy cabal of police and prison guards. Never mind that she bought the fucking thing a few days before it was found in her clients shoe five minutes after she was “advising” him.
I cannot abide an untrustworthy motherfucking brief, and I hate being tarred with her shit. Thanks davina murray for my inevitable strip search next time I see a client in jail!
What’s with this epidemic of narcissistic, dishonest shit of late?
Rant off, sorry for overshare.
@raven: I think I peaked at 9 with little Laurie Dunham.
@OzarkHillbilly: Well, when I was 43 I spose I thought I had too. That was the year I sobered up so it took a while to see clearly!
@Louis: A typical case of blind NZ justice!
@raven: I punched the big 55 yesterday. It is hard to say I have not peaked yet, when I need 2 surgeries on one hand, one on the other, a shoulder in need of the same and the neck of an 83 yr old (docs words, not mine). 35 years of carpentry and caving leaves it’s mark on the body. Oh well.
On the other hand I have a barred owl outside my window telling every one who cares that this hollow belongs to him. My cabin in the woods is slowly but surely becoming the place the wife and I want it to be. To top it off, this wkend my JeffCo buddy and his family, and the wife and I are heading for Shannon Co where we will spend the hot July days playing with his daughters (4 yrs old) in a cool clear Ozark spring fed creek.
It doesn’t get any better than that.
@raven: Indiana – new job at IU, after 30 years north of here in the mitten.
@K488: I’m from Urbana originally, spent some fun times at Brown County Park!
c u n d gulag
Ah, good – we’re all happy that things are settling in, at Casa Cole.
@OzarkHillbilly: Like this one? I’ve always thought breaking my back when I was 24 saved me from your fate! In those days all my buddies were union hod carriers in Central Illinois but, after I recovered, it was obvious that manual labor wasn’t in my future. I might never have gone back too school if not for that.
@raven: Great pic!
“The leaves, fruit, seeds and bark of avocados contain Persin, which can cause vomiting and diarrhea in dogs.”
I doubt that Cole had any leaves, seeds, or bark in the sandwich. He used sliced fruit (or maybe mashed up fruit) but, again, I think it as an accent flavor.
Uck, carrying hod… I spent most of my career hanging drywall, which when you consider that a 12′ sheet of 5/8 firecode is 92 lbs, just aint a whole lot better. My fightin’ weight was 150-155. Don’t know how I did it as long as I did. Time for something new now.
Spring Semester starts in less than 72 hours. Bracing myself.
@K488: Poor dude got the crap kicked out of him by “mobbing” bluejays and crows. He just sat there while they bombed the back of his head for the better part of a day. Look at the back of his head.
Here’s one for the insomnia files:
The wife suddenly sits up in bed screaming “OH SH!T!!!”
I’m thinking, “What time is it? 5:30?”
She swings her feet out of the bed, then reaches around behind her and begins patting the bed with her hand like she is looking for something.
“What are you doing Honey?” says I.
“I don’t know.” says she, as she lays back down.
15 secs later soft snoring from her side of the bed registers in my now wide awake brain. I check my alarm clock. 1:07.
Great. 1 hour later I give up and get up.
@raven: Yikes! Poor dude indeed!
@OzarkHillbilly: I’d fall out mixin the mud!
@raven: Ouch! Good thing for him it wasn’t chipping sparrows. They’re vicious.
@OzarkHillbilly: What was this one attacking?
Headlines gauranteed to get a click thru:
Berkeley man had sexual contact with horse in Bel-Ridge, police say
The offending individual was 79 years old. No word on whether the horse was satisfied but it was observed smoking a cigarette soon after.
@raven: I’m sorry, but after my last post all I could think was “GET SOME!!!”
@OzarkHillbilly: My birthday was yesterday also although I’m nine years older than you. In honor of my birthday, the sons are coming over Saturday to redo a flagstone patio for me. Good times!
@JPL: Somebody called and left a message on my voice mail pointing out the fact that we share a birthday with Nelson Mandela.
I’m 29 and now I’m fuckin’ starving
My mutt Miss Moxie has a tumor which at her age would be difficult to remove and treat. It attached to her ear so complete removal would be unlikely. Anyway, it doesn’t appear to cause her any pain and when it does, she’ll go to doggy heaven. She developed bronchitis which is being treated but lost her appetite. Chewing is difficult so today I’m going to try some baby food. She turns up her nose to hamburger and rice.
Any other ideas?
@JPL: Broth, chicken or beef. I put it on my labs dry food in the evenings to spice things up. Also, raw bacon?
@OzarkHillbilly: I have tried cooked bacon but not the raw. Thanks. My son is bringing his dog over this afternoon because that seems to encourage Moxie to eat. When Nona visited on Tuesday, I made hamburger and rice. Nona kept looking at my son as if to say is it okay to eat this? Then she gobbled it down and Moxie ate hers. The vet mentioned that it would take a few days for Moxie’s appetite to return but she didn’t eat at all yesterday.
@OzarkHillbilly: Chronic insomnia is a b!tch, caused by a chronic shortage of our brain’s “sleep chemicals.”
NightRest is a fantastic product. I use it in times of stress, and I have friends who say it does wonders. It puts back what is missing.
Maybe it can help.
Be careful that broth wasn’t made with onions. Try roasting something and then add some water to the pan drippings.
@Louis: You have my sympathy, for what it’s worth, but you ought to be writing a CSI script on spec right about now.
@MomSense: I save up the bones in the freezer, beef, chicken, or pork, (seperated) then boil them for a bit (hr or so). Woofie loves it.
@WereBear: Thanx, I’ll give it a try. Been using melatonin for a while but it doesn’t seem to help anymore. I just can’t seem to turn off the brain.
@MomSense: That was a lesson that I learned a few years ago. I made a rich beef broth and added some to her food. Fortunately, she was okay but managed to get sick on every comforter in the house. It cost over a hundred dollars to have them cleaned.
Oy! the joys of marriage: someone’s always snoring; someone’s always restless and unable to sleep, tossing and turning and ruining your slumber; someone’s always prodding you in the side saying “it’s your turn to get up and let the damn puppy out,” someone’s always stealing the covers.
And yet, when I travel for work, more often than I’d like, I CANNOT sleep. I drink wine or vodka to knock me out, but inevitably I wake, reach, don’t find the other body, and sigh.–after 30 years it is “normal” and I can’t sleep without him.
Mr Cole, you’ve experienced a recent and severe trauma. You haven’t peaked, you’re just paying the price of love. Love takes it out of you. You offer your heart to another who has the capacity to thrill and destroy you. You cannot protect your heart because that would involve withholding what you need to give; you cannot receive it all unless you give it all. You know that.
And, you lucky bastard, you’re jumping right back in, without fear. We pet lovers know in the backs of our brains that we will likely outlive our precious loves: those eyes, those wagging tails, those soft coats. And yet, to deny ourselves would be to deny the best that life has to offer mere mortals.
To love and be loved is the highest, scariest, most annoying, most precious reward this world has to offer us. Believe it or not, you’re a well-rewarded man. Mom, Dad, brother, sister, Rosie, Lily, and now the Boss + all of your friends, readers, frat family, and on and on.
Count your blessings for a change, instead of your faults. You haven’t peaked dude, you’re loved and loving. Wow!
I think you have a pretty nice plateau from which you get to enjoy this for a great many years. Knock on wood.
You mock yourself, John. But the beauty of these posts, of your relationships with your pets, that’s the good stuff in life. And you are 1000% correct to note that these things that maybe matter only to us are still big and important. And they affect us in ways that change who we are and how we deal with the big things.
ETA: And of interest only to me, I’ve now learned we are the same age. I’m getting used to assuming people are younger than me apparently.
We learned that lesson the hard way, too. @OzarkHillbilly:
My dog goes crazy when I put the roasting pan on the floor. He loves the broth and then really working on all the bits that stick to the bottom of the pan. The best is when I bring it to him and put it on the floor. He wags the whole lower half of his body and tail and looks at me like like ” I get the whole pan, the whole pan, THE WHOLE PAN”
I can’t resist giving my Italian Greyhound “Florence” a cut of any sort of meat or cheese I’m eating. She can be fast asleep buried underneath the covers with my wife in our bedroom at the opposite end of the house, and I can be in the kitchen at the other end being very very quiet assembling a toasted crackers-and-cheese bedtime snack for myself, but no matter how careful I am to be discreetly quiet, Florence will come trotting in within a minute after I start giving me a look that’s exactly halfway between pleading and “you’re busted!”. I’ve adjusted to this by always adding one extra cheese-topped saltine or Ritz cracker on the foil-covered cooking sheet I’m about to stick in the oven to toast. Florence has me well-trained.
A Ghost To Most
I know I’m way late to this party, but hearing that you use a tv tray to use your laptop on your recliner, I have one word for you (well, URL actually): airdesks.com . I’ve been using one for nearly a decade, and this thing is the perfect way to do computer work from a recliner.
I am 43 and I have yet to peak! There is hope for us John.
And that sandwich sounds delicious…dayum. Wonder if I can get the deli downstairs to make me one of those for lunch.
@JPL: scrambled eggs and cheese
@Louis: The good thing is that she’s the rarity, albeit newsmaker. Hope she enjoys being Prisoner on Cellblock H.
That sounds absolutely lovely.
It was with a female horse, so at least it wasn’t teh ghey seks. /RWNJ
That said — eww, man.
@Amir Khalid: Double Ewwww for me. But it’s like driving past a wreck on the highway. You just can’t take your eyes away from it.
Indeed. Usually she wakes up screaming, “THE BEAR! THE BEAR!!!!”
Woofie does the same when I get out the frisbee for fetch.
Woofie knows the sound of my boot laces. As soon as I start to lace up, he comes down the stairs and parks his butt in front of the door as tho to say, “You’re not getting out of here without me.”
Where’s my illustration? Want my illustration.