Well, that was kind of cute. Steve just made his first attempt on my life. I was in the kitchen slicing a tomato to make an open faced tomato sandwich (slice of crusty Italian bread, couple slices of tomato, cheddar cheese, toaster oven for four mins, etc.), and I jumped with the knife in my hand because he startled me doing the circle eight around my ankles.
Don’t get me wrong. You know how much I loved Tunch, but I knew he was plotting to kill me. He was just a slower, more deliberate kind of plotter, so he was murdered before his plan went into fruition. So I know for sure Steve is just pretending to be nice, but he wants to kill me, too. They all do. That’s why they have laser eyes when you take pictures of them- it’s the inner evil shining through. I feel it in my bones. And you know it too.
Off to go spoon Steve.
SG
My god, Cole! Maybe you should start wearing a Kevlar vest and gloves around the house. Maybe a fencing mask, too.
Suzanne
Cheddar? On Italian bread?
Well, you ARE German.
When it comes to cuisine, the Germans make great cars.
Diana
he was after the cheese. Have you never seen a cat lick cheese? Put the cheddar out on the table and let him lick it and I promise you NO ONE WILL GET HURT.
(full disclosure: am owned by a Maine Coon half-breed rescue. I speak from experience.)
Yatsuno
You had me until the cheddar. Tomato should have provolone or mozzarella. Fontina if you’re in a pinch.
pseudonymous in nc
@Yatsuno:
Or cheddar. As long as it’s good aged cheddar, and not the impostor rubber stuff. Since we’re flinging around national stereotypes, ‘if it was good enough for nonna, it’s good enough for you’ is what gave the world the Alfa Romeo.
Suzanne
@Yatsuno: Or Parmesan.
Gruyere if you’re feeling saucy.
ruemara
It’s not an attempt to kill you. This is just an accident. The attempt to kill you is as he licks you, digesting you micron of dermis, by micron.
JustRuss
Something about the kitchen…our male tiger kitty is always underfoot, ready to be tripped over. My guess is they figure odds are good you’ll be carrying food when they trip you and break your neck, then it’s party time.
Gin & Tonic
@Suzanne: Sorry, but wrong. Mozzarella is the only cheese to go with a good tomato.
Yatsuno
@Gin & Tonic: We are making the egregious assumption that it’s a good tomato, though I trust JC’s taste in these things. I will say a good Danish bleu also works nicely.
ruemara
The waiting to hear back on this job is killing me. It’s taking all my self control to not write back to pester them on how much longer can you take! I figure the 3 week mark is very reasonable waiting time and I should be able to write a coherent, non-pushy request letter.
Mnemosyne
@ruemara:
I’m waiting for someone to talk to me about her field and a potential job. I’ve sent two emails with zero response. My boss set up the meeting for me, so now I’m not sure what the hell to do.
Praeclarus
What JC refers to as “an open faced tomato sandwich” prepared as he describes would more correctly be called Welsh Rarebit. A tastier late night snack as you could find.
Emerald
On the biting problem Steve has: I had that problem with my kitteh previous to Emerald. Someone in the GOS pootie diaries told me that next time she bit me I should emit a high-pitched yelp like a kitten who was being hurt.
I tried it the next time she bit me, and my kitteh pulled back, startled. A couple of more kitten yelps from me and she stopped biting.
She didn’t realize she was hurting me. I had to communicate with her in a “language” she could understand.
fuckwit
That has to be the gayest thing I’ve ever read on this blog.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.
NotMax
@Suzanne
You might like the message on a T-Shirt sold by a local eatery.
AnotherBruce
Just a quick bite on the aorta while he’s sleeping, Steve. You could live off of that fucker’s remains for a month.
RK
So funny.
You don’t use extra virgin olive oil on your sammich? Steve must be embarrassed.
kc
@Gin & Tonic:
Negatory. Have you never had tomato pie?
Yatsuno
@NotMax: That place looks amazing. I really do need to get back to the birthplace at some point.
Suzanne
@NotMax: That is fabulous.
scav
Had an astonishingly fine cheddar over the weekend. One of those revelations where one curses the nation for making us choose between the orange brick and the yellow brick of milk gone bigtime bad for ever so long.
Cliff in NH
Mmmm Tomatos! They are starting to come, this was one day, the day before was good too and another 250g+ today
http://www.flickr.com/photos/64725711@N07/9363111472/
tomato and cheese on pizza dough (same dough for Italian bread) and a spinach leaf on top, Yum!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/64725711@N07/6074672910/in/set-72157627175778700/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/64725711@N07/6074088889/in/set-72157627175778700
Felonius Monk
I think John has the start of a murder mystery cookbook here.
OTOH, maybe Steve is just pissed because he’s purring several octaves higher now.
ruemara
@Mnemosyne:One of those very polite emails: Hi, just want to touch base with you regarding the meeting Mr(s) [Your Boss], contacted you about. Looking forward to discussing [job] in [field] with you. Please either email or call me back so we can lock down our meeting date.
Thanks, Mem,
And mine will be “ARGLE BALRLALARRWEGLG ME TIRED O WATING, HURRY UP AND HIRE OR PASS ALREADY BLADRGERLGLLALALGELGE.” And foaming and frothing.
Suzanne
If you’re going to name the cat Steve, can it at least be STEVE HOLT?
Keith
And polydactyls have many more means at their disposal of killing you. They can set traps, handle weapons, etc.
The prophet Nostradumbass
@NotMax: When the police are British? LOL, that’s a good one.
slag
You named him Steve. What did you expect his next course of action would be?
MikeBoyScout
Seriously, (yes SERIOUSLY!) you should get some therapy.
Mnemosyne
@ruemara:
Oh, I’ve sent two of those already. I’m getting to the ARGLE BLARGHLE stage at this point.
Though I guess I can sic my boss on her if I have to.
ETA: My boss took this woman to lunch to butter her up and get me this meeting, so now I feel kinda sorry for my boss, who I can tell feels like an asshole for promising to set this up for me with no results.
slag
@MikeBoyScout: Srsly?
The prophet Nostradumbass
@MikeBoyScout: If you’re referring to Cole, I’d say he needs therapy a lot less than a fair percentage of the commenters here.
wasabi gasp
Nowadays it’s the thread that people hang on to that makes them interesting.
Schlemizel
Mine loves to get in front of me on the stairs, preferably in the dark, and then lay down. If she can’t get in front of me she waits until I am starting down then runs down the stairs, making sure to slam into my leg as she passes. I have already to the woman foolish enough to marry me that if they find my broken body as the base of the stairs the cat did it!
patty \
OMFG!!! you are a hard man to please!
AdamK
@Emerald: My cat used to yank out beard hairs when she was grooming my beard until I employed the high-pitched yelp, then she stopped. (Stopped yanking, that is. She still tongue-combs.)
Ferdzy
I bow to no one in my love of a good cheddar but the best cheese and tomato sandwich has a slice of golden-brown fried halloumi in it.
Manyakitty
Best late night snack ever: grilled cheese made in garlic butter, topped with an “over medium” fried egg.
As far as cats and their murderous hearts: my Heisenberg’s yellow eyes glow green, Schrodinger’s green eyes glow blue (he and Steve could be twins), but Mme. Curie, the nominal “Manya,” has pale green eyes that shoot red beams of pure evil, especially when she has crawled under the covers while I’m asleep and I wake up to investigate the “something furry” on my leg.
JGabriel
Seriously? No one has posted the obvious link yet?
Here ya go: Kiiten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day
fidelio
@Emerald: Yes. I’ve found this helphul with cats who are biters over the years. They don’t realize our lack of thick fur means those nips are more painful for them than they would be for another cat.
Paul in KY
Spilling the beans to other non-felines might make those plans get accelerated.
You have been warned.
Paul in KY
@AnotherBruce: Don’t forget, there would be 2 other residents living off the remains.
Maude
I love cheddar and tomato.
Go for it, Steve. You have a fine tradition to uphold.
NCSteve
@pseudonymous in nc: If you’re going to use cheddar on a hot tomato sandwich–whether grilled or toasted, its just wrong to not to add bacon.
moderateindy
It’s like I’ve always said about cats……………..If they were big enough, every last one of them would kill you while you slept, plus on their best day they’re still gonna crap in your house
Lex
I read somewhere once that the military thought about trying to use cats to convey explosives into enemy lines. The problem is that once you let go of the cat, it would just figure-eight around your ankles until it blew your junk off.
EthylEster
you appear to have a compulsion to refer to Tunch being “murdered”. maybe i missed the post where you explained this.
arithmoquine
My wife’s cat once pushed a heavy brass lamp onto my head from a high bookshelf. Another time to jumped on the back of my chair when I was, foolishly, leaning back over a rather pointy part of my old drumkit. Not all cats will try to kill you at all times, but you can never trust them. You never know when they might decide they would be better off without you.
On a slightly different type of cat-manipulation, my current cat claws me awake at 5 or so am to get the dog to move out of his way so he can get to his food unobstructed. The dog wouldn’t hurt him, but the cat doesn’t like to have to walk around him. For this convenience, I get clawed in the face every few mornings.
StringOnAStick
@EthylEster: Go back and read posts from a week or two ago; you’ll find all your questions answered. It won’t be hard to tell which posts to read, the names say it all.