Because I grew up with four younger brothers, I knew this was gonna happen. Via NYMag, Andrew Couts at Digital Trends tests out his iPhone 5S’s touch recognition system:
… Lastly, I went with the most secure body part I could think of – and all I will say is that I had to take off my pants. Unlike the knuckle and elbow, however, registering my nether region was a breeze. (It was quite chilly, in fact.) And not only did I successfully register this private part with relative ease, I was also able to use it to unlock the device. I think you can understand why there isn’t a video of this one.
Of course, using your junk to secure your iPhone isn’t just gross and absurd, it’s also impractical – you won’t be able to unlock your handset in public without drawing some unwanted attention, for example. But given that you leave your fingerprints everywhere, and that hackers have already broken through Touch ID’s defenses using a photocopy of a fingerprint and some wood glue, your manhood may be the most secure option you have.
Now, excuse me. I have to go buy some Purell.
Apart from finding the brain bleach, what’s on the agenda for the evening?
Is actually known to be a secure way to lock the phone? To find out we would need several gentlemen place their tallywackers on Mr. Couts’ phone to see if they can unlock it. He could probably find many men willing to do this.
The FBI released video of the Navy Yard Shooter from surveillance footage at the Navy Yard and they also released footage of the weapon he used and some other details.
FBI releases video, images of Navy Yard shooter
I wonder if he did that before or after reading this.
Mm. first such test of system post-release — it’s techies.m all the way back the chain.
Why don’t they just use eye recognition? Look at your phone and it works, if it isn’t the correct eye pattern, it doesn’t. I am not speaking of the “one eyed weasel” either.
The Pale Scot
I recommend suffering thru the ad to watch Father Jim Martin introduce Metallica on the Colbert show. Surely it reveals the Satanic influence in Catholism that the fundinuts inveigh against
Yes, but did he test to see if it could recognize other people and reject them?
Aside from the technical issues, I suspect a lot of people like to unlock their phone while not looking at it because they are in the middle of a conversation or something.
@Xantar: Huh? Eye contact, conversation? That is so old school.
Here’s the footage: Check Out This Incredibly Awkward Moment Between Fox’s Chris Wallace and Tucker Carlson
Was the four digit pin really that inconvenient?
@Xantar: yeah. Like when I’m driving, it is such a pain to access my phone.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@lamh36: I predict that, not content with having been the only pundit fired by all three cable news networks, Tucker Carlson will by 2015 have been fired by all three cable networks twice, after Kindly Doc Maddow convinces her producers to bring him in from the cold, and he fucks that up too.
Then again, considering he has a Romney-size trust fund, maybe he works for make up and attention and saves Uncle Rupert the cost of writing checks to the likes of Ben Shapiro or Nick Gillespie
The Other Chuck
Will it recognize him if he crams it up his ass?
Hat tip to Booman:
Ted Cruz votes in favor of Harry Reid’s cloture motion. In other words, he did a pretend filibuster against Obamacare and then didn’t actually vote against funding Obamacare.
I’m not sure I’m convinced that authentication technique is really a good idea. For starters, it really raises the stakes if a mugger takes your phone and decides that he needs the appropriate body part to unlock it.
@lamh36: Even though I can’t knock back a few stiff shots right now, I watched the clip.
Why wasn’t Carlson pleased that Obama outed himself as a ‘dark threat’?
What that a race card or a double reverse race card secret message to the dark legions?
Edit: I think Carlson is picked up by companies because he makes everyone else look like Orwell, Murrow and Cronkite all rolled into one super journalist. Even fricken Chris Wallace.
What part of their anatomy does he propose women use?
@lamh36: Wow. That comment from Carlson is the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day. And trust me, that’s saying something.
@The Other Chuck: nah. At that point, we all pretty much are identical. Although when the phone is set to silent mode, it’s kind of pleasant in ways we’re not supposed to admit to out loud in our puritanical culture.
Bob In Portland
Wouldn’t the various states of penile erection or lack thereof give different readings?
Also, supposedly everyone has different fingerprints. Does everyone have different dickprints?
Came across this today, and, well, BRAVO.
“A politically motivated, decades-long war on expertise has eroded the popular consensus on a wide variety of scientifically validated topics. Everything, from evolution to the origins of climate change, is mistakenly up for grabs again. Scientific certainty is just another thing for two people to “debate” on television. And because comments sections tend to be a grotesque reflection of the media culture surrounding them, the cynical work of undermining bedrock scientific doctrine is now being done beneath our own stories, within a website devoted to championing science.” So they’re shutting off comments. http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-09/why-were-shutting-our-comments
@Xantar: The really funny thing is that the wingnutterati were working themselves into the usual froth to go after anyone who voted for cloture (on the grounds that once cloture passes, those Evil Demoncrats will be able to un-defund Obamacare with their totally unfair majority of the votes). And now, said wingnuts will either have to defroth themselves (yeah, right), go after every Senator in the caucus including Cruz, or tie themselves into rhetorical knots pretending that somehow this was different.
A prick has a print?
Am I the only one who got an attack of the giggles reading that excerpt? And who thought, well, women may have a higher level of difficulty there?
There’s got to be a pr0n flick option here.
@The Dangerman: I wonder about that too. Nether region junk, of both sexes, seem too ‘wobbly’, Or at least I would think so, out in public. We need more details.
Need to get a phone that can read bite marks. Then you could just shove the damn phone in your mouth.
It would also encourage people to finish their meals, for fear of leaving tooth patterns for hackers.
@dmsilev: Maybe they will sing a chorus of “Ted Cruz is worse than Ted Kennedy! He sold us out and threw us under the bus!”
@jl: it takes some training, but it can be done. I have been beating my old scores at fruit ninja since I made the switch.
@srv: I predict pr0n flicks will be the next gestural device programming.
Getting ready for my interview with new leave behind booklets of designs plus resume, and starting the prettification attempts today. It takes a while. I’m prettifying resistant. I ran out of ink and reasoned that if I get a job, I will be able to afford an oil change really quickly anyway. Yay, me!
Villago Delenda Est
How does Tucker Carlson keep showing up on MSM gigs? Pretty much the same way that the deserting coward got into Yale…affirmative action for the wealthy. “Legacy”.
My Tunch “Feed” poster shipped today. We’ll be happily waiting for it.
And did anyone notice Cruz say “Americans do not like green eggs and ham”? He clearly does not know how GEAH ends. Typical.
Per KagroX on Twitter, apparently Cruz’s fans are insisting that this wasn’t actually a cloture vote. So they’re definitely going with the “rhetorical knots” option.
Back on topic.
What am I doing tonight? Mocking Cincinnati Reds fans. Folks, if your team can’t win a series at home against the Mets, you shouldn’t be talking about making a deep playoff run.
Also breathing a sigh of relief that Hannibal Suarez didn’t try to eat any ManU players on his return to the Liverpool lineup.
TPM says GOP base is ‘confused’ by 100 to 0 Senate vote today.
Senate GOP’s Constituents Are Confused About Obamacare Vote
A commenter someplace said Boehner was going to support weekly continuing resolutions on budget. But I can’t find it in the news. Anyone have a link?
That would be interesting. I guess that might be the best the poor schlub can do. Hold weekly symbolic hysterical ideological pity parties for the base and then vote to keep the fed govt. open.
That would stink up the GOP brand with general public, but not as much as a shutdown, and would be nice practice for the debt limit show.
Is the base that stupid? If not, would be a lose lose.
@Redshift: I’m shocked, shocked to hear that.
@Jerzy Russian: Paging Anthony “Currently Unemployed” Weiner…he’s already a pro at this stuff.
Available evidence tends to point towards ‘yes’.
@burnspbesq: I guess same general idea. Smaller footprint. Maybe resolution problems?
I thought it was either the “one-eyed trouser snake” or “Willie, the one-eyed wonder worm”.
@The Dangerman: Yeah, I’m having the same ‘wait a minute’ moment here. Is it some mutation I haven’t heard about?
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@jl: RObert Costa of NRO was on MSNBC
@lamh36: Well, by Carlson’s standards (excuuuuse the expression) Obama is just one big dog whistle.
I hope the club’s nutritionist had a quiet word in Suarez’s ear about his eating habits
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: I’m surprised. I’d have thought John Boehner would want this headache over and done with so he can spend more time with his liquor cabinet.
@dmsilev: I think at this point Boehner’s liquor cabinet needs a new suspension.
You could unlock your phone in public fairly easily if you were properly wearing a kilt. Others probably would be offended if you then handed them your phone and insist they talk to someone on it.
On the other hand I can see the juvenile cries of ‘your phone smells like dick!’. I mean hey, I was a young thing once.
Defender is like pork. It must be cooked thoroughly to eliminate the risk of infection.
Cat paws work, too.
Of course, this is why I keep the Amazon One Click turned off on the computer.
Oh, so Newt Gingrich is a lying ratfucking hypocrite! Naw, REALLY…
Is Newt Gingrich breaking CNN’s rules?
By HADAS GOLD | 9/25/13 5:38 PM EDT
@lamh36: Well, you have to be realistic about Noot. It’s not as though he and CNN were married or anything.
And CNN is ignoring it. Quelle surprise.
Useful perhaps if one is making schlong distance calls.
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
If they would only go to CRs that were good for just a day, think of all the mischief that could be avoided.
I did not know that. But then, I never eat defender or pork.
Oh hell, I hope people are still here: they’re learning all sorts of new tricks.
Italian long-distance runner ‘used fake penis in attempt to pass drug test’.
Devis Licciardi runs for the Italian Air Force team, in case it’s learned how to tweet or send photos as well.
Won’t work for me, because I’d have lay two iPhone 5’s end-to-end.
” If they would only go to CRs that were good for just a day, think of all the mischief that could be avoided. ”
Dude, then just trade ’em on the repo market. We could read the discounts and they’d cover it on the business cable news. Cool.
@Fort Geek: I totally missed that joke. I am slowing down in my old age.
This sounds like something Carlos Danger would be into – already prepped and ready to go, might as well use it to unlock your phone as well!
Obamacare: A Fact or Fifty
1. Starting now and on October 1st you can go to healthcare.gov or call (1-800-318-2596; TTY: 1-855-889-4325) to compare options and select health coverage.
2. Thanks to ObamaCare, insurance companies must cover mental health, substance-use disorder, alcohol misuse screening, domestic violence screening, depression screening, etc. under “essential health benefits.”
3. ObamaCare will increase the need for doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners, medical assistants, health information specialists, medical billers, medical sonography, home-care aides, lab technicians, etc. Now, that’s job creation!
4. 360,000 Small Businesses have taken advantage of the Small Business Healthcare Tax Credit to insure 2 million workers.
5. ObamaCare will change work and retirement by tilting power from employers to employees.
6. Young Americans (18-34) are eager to purchase health insurance through ObamaCare.
7. ObamaCare saved 6.8 million consumers $1.2 billion on health insurance premiums in 2012.
8. An easy and informative Twitter list of ObamaCare health insurance exchanges.
9. 63% of young adults who identify as Republicans enrolled in their parents health plans under ObamaCare.
10. Health insurance premiums will cost dramatically less under the ObamaCare exchange marketplace.
for the other 40 facts about OBAMACARE, go here:
Sometimes, I just gotta LOL while watching Rev. Al, because ever so often, the BLACK just slips out with Rev. Al….and it slips out with his facial expressions. He’s been having these Tea Baggers on, asking them about Obamacare and today’s nutjob is one of those mofos who voted to cut 40 billion from foodstamps, all the while he and his whole fucking family are Agri-business welfare queens and kings. I freeze framed the look on Rev. Al’s face after he revealed the farm subisidy stuff..
@rikyrah: We are big fans too. I love the phrases and things he comes up with to highlight the ridiculousness of Republican claims.
Like the blueberry pie.
OMG Sally, look at my smartphone. I think a penis is calling me. Ugh.
I guess when it comes to unlocking his phone, if it’s angry he’s fucked? sorry, sorry. I’m 54 going on 13.
I could have happily lived the rest of my life without that particular image.
Things like that always make me wonder “how did someone come up with that idea”…and then I remember what I’m going to have carved on my tombstone: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
mine definitely does. some of them aren’t mine.
Dare I say it? What a nozzle!