When I first saw the headline “Why I hate being a Black man” I blew it off. I didn’t have the energy to be trolled again. After Cohen, Republicans and basically all of 2013, I was tired. But members of #TWIBnation kept sending us the story so I finally read it. It wasn’t the trolling post I expected–it was something much worse. Imagine internalizing all the negativity that you’ve ever heard about your people and accepting it as fact.
I can honestly say I hate being a black male. Although black people like to wax poetic about loving their label I hate “being black”. I just don’t fit into a neat category of the stereotypical views people have of black men. In popular culture black men are recognized in three areas: sports, crime, and entertainment. I hate rap music, I hate most sports, and I like listening to rock music such as PJ Harvey, Morrissey, and Tracy Chapman. I have nothing in common with the archetypes about the black male. – Orville Lloyd Douglas
To attack Mr. Douglas would be easy. To understand the place of hurt and pain that led him to this point is much harder, but necessary. When you live in a society that constantly tells you that everyone who looks like you is a problem, it’s hard to not internalize it. Those of us who remain proud of our heritage and embrace Blackness with all that it means are doing the extraordinary. Running an organization like TWiB! gives me a unique perspective on stories like this. We receive letters from folks who feel like they’re alone because they don’t fit what society says Blackness is and are ecstatic that they found a space like TWiB! On today’s TWiB! radio we break this down–if only we could have a sit-down with Mr. Douglas.
Also on today’s #TWiBRadio, #TeamBlackness discussed the Obama administration’s healthcare game of chess and a young lady in Sweden called out a painting supply company for their racially insensitive pigment name.
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And this morning on #amTWiB, I lamented Bill Cosby’s comeback, Imani hates on the word “panties,” we discussed the Obamacare lady who fell victim to cyberbullying, and Rand Paul says that the FDA is coming after your doughnuts.
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Cassidy
I can’t help but think that with the rise in AA music artists that aren’t considered “rap”, that these stereotypes are slowly dying amongst suburban whites.
scav
Not much you can do for a person that hates or loves themself based on how faithfully they reproduce cultural stereotypes. Can’t even decide which is sadder, because neither involves an authentic embrace of self.
Aji
Oof. And that’s in The Guardian, by a Black man who is Canadian.
God, that’s painful.
Baud
I don’t know how hard it is. It happens to a lot of people in a lot of different ways, not just on the basis of race. I constantly struggle with the fact that I’ve internalized the negativity that’s been directed toward me over the years, even though in my case it’s mostly been on a personal level rather than based on my demographic characteristics. But I’m sure many, many women, LGBT individuals, poor people, etc. have experienced something similar in their lives.
Of course, some people just lack empathy, no matter their personal experience.
Spaghetti Lee
Everyone’s felt like they don’t belong or that it’s for some reason their fault for not meeting some bullshit social expectation. That’s pretty universal. But this seems like a pretty horrid form of it. I sincerely hope that Mr. Douglas finds someone who wants what’s best for him to talk to and work through this. Self-hatred is never a good time. I’ve had a lot of it, but mostly for being fat or shy or dorky or whatever, but like Baud said, I don’t have to deal with much hatred directed at my race/gender, which I can only really imagine must be awful.
Spaghetti Lee
@Cassidy:
I think that just like for a lot of Villagers it’s eternally 1968 and the hippies are breaking down the doors of polite society and must be stopped, for a lot of crypto-racist conservatives it’s eternally 1993 and Snoop, Ice Cube and NWA are poisoning the youth of today with their songs about sex and violence. Stereotypes are remarkably resilient even in the face of objective evidence to the contrary.
aimai
I think this is horrible and horribly sad–but its not at all unusual. Lots of people who are assigned by society to one obvious group (immigrants, drunken Irish, asian, native american, jewish, catholic, female, wrong gender) experience the horror of wanting to be free to live life authentically as themselves–not model minority and not hated minority, not “good at cooking” and not “good at sports” but just 100 percent who they feel they are, idiosyncratically. Men feel it when they are in a relationship with the wrong person, a person who wants to be with them because they seem to fit some imaginary perfect masculine bill of fare, and women feel it when people assume that they can’t do the things they dream of doing, don’t know math, or whatever.
I’m not saying these things are as bad as being forced to live life in a body on which all of this society’s rage and psychosis is projected. Its not. But this experience of just wanting to be free of this body/this history/these expectations? A whole lot of people can resonate with that.
Felanius Kootea
I hope Mr. Douglas finds himself a good therapist. The self-loathing and perception of isolation oozing from his piece made me want to cry.
scav
@Baud: Even men, white men, have stereotypes they theoretically have to live up to, although the consequences of not conforming varies. I hate myself because I’m a lesbian that votes conservative, or I hate being a woman because I’ve no interest in children, or I hate being German because I absolutely hate beer. The consequences of not conforming to stereotype are more or less dire, probably worse when attached to the “thou shalt be role-models” and similar battle-axes, but it’s a universal condition. Sad when it goes so pear-shaped.
Eta. I apologize to pears and their stunning shapes.
Dolly Llama
@scav: I don’t know. I find myself really having to work to not become a self-hating Southern white male.
BGinCHI
Well, if he loves Morrissey then he was gonna hate himself eventually anyway.
Bostondreams
Apparently the guy has never read any Ta-Nehisi Coates. Loves all kinds of music, D and D and comic geek…
Aji
@Spaghetti Lee: The problem is that it never, ever goes away. In this society, you can never get away from it, and you never know when something thrown at you is because of who you, fundamentally and irrevocably, are. There’s a reason that Black men in this society have the highest overall rates of blood pressure (and related catastrophic health events and attendant shortened life expectancy), and why that holds even for immigrant Black men who come from cultures without this history of racism – and within a very few years.
I feel this every day of my life (I’m tri-racial, about 1/8 Black), and I have it so much easier than most, because I mostly look white. But when people find out about my other ethnicities, the reactions are unmistakable, both for good and for ill. And when you live it daily, you know the difference, believe me.
Mr. Douglas’s column hurts my heart in ways I can’t even put into words, because there are none.
LanceThruster
Life gives no control over choosing one’s parentage. We are all stuck inside ourselves for good or ill. If we’re perceived negatively as a group for some reason, we’ve got to find a way to break the mold as an individual so to speak.
I got dealt the ‘ugly’ hand but I’m about halfway through my run so at least there’s that.
Suffern ACE
I’m not certain what the author is describing is self hatred.
Baud
@scav:
If I had to pick a single reason why I’m a liberal Democrat instead of a conservative Republican, it’s because I’m sensitive to the enormous waste of human potential that results when we tear each other down instead of helping each other to build ourselves up. Fighting those destructive tendencies is, to me, the essence of the progressive world-view.
scav
@Dolly Llama: Well, I, like many, wrestle with being a white-American which is within empathy range I would think. If you wish to smear your body in whichever locally mandated version of BBQ sauce, at least do it for the authentic love of the sauce and not because of the expectation.
Roger Moore
@scav:
There’s a hell of a lot to unpack from that one statement. I’m not saying you’re wrong- to the contrary, you’re at least mostly right- but there are a lot of ways of being disfunctional in there.
Fuzzy
ENOUGH OF MR WHITE and his constant harping on race. Does he ever think that this unending harangue is hurting? No. I think he likes the subject and enjoys keeping it in front of us. Please just be a man and an American. No further labels are needed.
rikyrah
This guy is a self-hating slave catching coon.
Baud
@Fuzzy:
Hi, DougJ.
Violet
This is a crap ass way to finish a crap ass day and crap ass week, and we’re only halfway through it. Ugh. The world sucks. What the hell is the point?
scav
@Roger Moore: There’s a shitload of ways to be dysfunctional in loving oneself, agreed. let us not embrace our inner psychopath or sociopath or pathoftheweek. Most of it’s gray and dysfunctional in this sublunar world.
Yatsuno
@Baud: Sigh. It’s so depressing when they don’t even try.
Ash Can
@Fuzzy: What’s the matter, Doug? Don’t you think this thread can get enough comments on the subject matter alone?
Ash Can
@Violet: Sounds like you need to treat yourself to a nice hot bath, a good stiff drink, or both.
Baud
@BGinCHI:
At least he didn’t say he liked Nickelback.
eric
@Baud: if he said he liked bareback then he would be andrew sullivan…its all there, it is just that people like to hear self hatred when it gores someone elses ox.
LanceThruster
@Baud:
This.
Omnes Omnibus
@Aji:
I am pretty sure that I would have serious anger issues if I had to function in this society as an AA man.
Spaghetti Lee
@Dolly Llama:
I think a lot of liberals who are some combination or rich, white, male, straight, and Southern/suburban/rural have those sorts of dialogues in their heads. I have. The best antidote I’ve found is “lead by example.” Doesn’t always work, but it’s better than self-hatred based on one’s race or gender or culture, and it’s definitely better than becoming a conservative.
Omnes Omnibus
@Spaghetti Lee: Also, the odds are that you are going to screw up and say or do something dumb at some point. When you do, apologize sincerely and learn from the experience.
Violet
@Ash Can: Or a short jump off a tall bridge.
Aji
@Omnes Omnibus: Yeah, exactly. And so much of what I hear, subtextually, from Mr. Douglas is anger that’s masking the kind of pain that runs so deep even he doesn’t have the words. Probably doesn’t even recognize it as such anymore. The walls you have to put up from childhood, in your mind and in your soul . . . .
Felanius Kootea
@Suffern ACE:
When I read excerpts like:
“Who would want to have this dark skin, broad nose, large thick lips, and wake up in the morning being despised by the rest of the world?” it sounds pretty much like self-hatred (and projection) to me.
There are at least a billion people around the world who do not despise the features he describes because they find those features to be beautiful *or the norm*.
I think that Mr. Douglas might be battling depression and might benefit from a therapist and possibly a lightbox or vitamin d supplementation, given the lower levels of sunlight in Canadian winter.
This does not mean that there are no problems with racism in the society in which Mr. Douglas finds himself but he might be able to handle his situation better with some professional help.
TheDMan
Hi Mr. White,
Longtime Balloon Juice lurker, first time commenting. (Forgive me if this has been said before.) I like your posts, but don’t/ can’t listen to streaming audio. Have you thought about posting more articles/ essays here?
Citizen_X
(Psst: nobody tell him that Tracy Chapman is black.)
Mike E
@Violet: Don’t do it, the world would be less colorful without you! ;-)
Life is hard and coping strategies vary, but I can’t understand how tearing down whole groups of people contributes to one’s positive well-being. Being the whitest dude in any room, I get a front row seat to this display a lot since it’s often done for my ‘benefit’; I like to call it the “Secret Southern Handshake” but it ain’t all that subtle.
One time I got me a nice snootful of antisemitism: An older white female coworker saw me help a distressed couple from out of town who had their car towed by a local (and typical overzealous) private parking enforcement outfit, something I was glad to do since I’ve been towed by the same company and knew exactly where to take them to retrieve their vehicle. They became resigned to their fate and calmed down, and were grateful that I took them (tipped me, too!).
The next day a group of us chatting about the whole affair, including a Jewish couple who come from Ohio, when lady sunshine literally ‘fronts me and says, “Were they New York Jews?” and without missing a beat I said, “I’m a New York Jew, what’s your point?” This stopped her pretty cold, my intended reaction. Later on, the guy from Ohio thanked me for this and felt relieved that he didn’t have to deck her. I admitted that was my initial impulse too but I did what I felt would have some impact, plus it diffused a potential ‘workplace’ incident (something to be avoided at a public theater).
We all can have a chip on the shoulder, be cheesed-off about certain groups (‘patrons’ are a fave of mine) but ugly, intolerant assholes ruin life for everybody. Mean people suck!
Heliopause
So I read his Wikipedia page here.
Also read the entire Guardian piece which includes the following:
“The issue of black self-hatred is something I am supposed to pretend does not exist…There is also a fear by some black people that discussing the issue of self-hatred is a sign of weakness…Not discussing the issue doesn’t mean it is going to go away. In fact, by ignoring the issue, it simply lurks underneath the surface. I believe a dialogue about self hatred should be brought to the fore in the public sphere.”
Interesting that when someone writes something the least bit challenging the general reaction in the BJ comment section is, “get the guy a psychiatrist.”
Dolly Llama
@Spaghetti Lee: It does get annoying for people to assume you’re dumb and conservative because of your Southern accent (and I definitely have a pronounced one.) But I remind myself that every time I’m stereotyped, I’m getting punished for every wrongheaded stereotype I imposed on people back in the day, before I went to college and found enlightenment.
ItAintEazy
@Citizen_X:
Yeah, this is exactly the type of stereotyping this poor brother must be suffering from white folks. If he’s not happy and proud all the time, he must hate himself and ALL black people, right? No, he’s just stating he likes rock music and has an eclectic taste (white woman, white man, black woman) just like any other person, but because he’s black and he’s being brutally honest stating his frustrations of being black in this white man’s world, that must mean he’s some Uncle Ruckus character.
Yeah, I can feel where he’s coming from. I’m not ashamed of being black, but sometimes I want a break…
JQ
He sounds like a young Uncle Ruckus.
Cain
@Spaghetti Lee:
Funnyh considering the roles in TV and movies they are doing now. It’s all family type stuff. Well, maybe Ice Cub, but Ice T is playing a damn cop on TV. heh.
Omnes Omnibus
@Heliopause:
Bullshit. One person mentioned a psychiatrist.
Citizen_X
@ItAintEazy: But that was my point! The irony that in his non-stereotypical tastes he includes an artist who, herself, does not fit with cheap stereotypes.
Sorry for putting so clumsily in the first comment.
mclaren
Internalized victimhood and learned helplessness are chronic progressive failings. Problem is, if everyone around you tells you you’re scum 24/7/365 for year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year, it becomes really really really hard not to believe it.
Paul in KY
@Baud: I like Nickleback. Damned good band.
Interrobang
As a Canadian and former Torontonian, I’m embarrassed he feels this way. (On the other hand, at least he’s not Native, which would put him right at the bottom of the racists’ social hierarchy. *sigh*)
nastybrutishntall
@rikyrah: We need to develop some new Godwin-type category, just for you. You’ve outdone yourself.
fuckwit
There are some folks over in the Jewish circles of the country who could share a beer with you and commisserate over this kind of shit. The “self-hating Jew” has been a persistent minority in the Jewish community for a very long while. It exactly as you say: internalizing all the negativity and abuse in a very sad and destructive way.