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Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

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You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Dog Blogging / For the Record

For the Record

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lilyupcloseandpersonal

Holy hell you peeps put me through the ringer last night for calling Lily “homely.” Y’all act like I beat her instead of love on her 24/7.

But she is homely. She has this narrow bullet like head that you can never keep a collar on when you are walking her, these big bulging pug-like eyes, then this really long snout with a super big wet nose, and all her whiskers are all askew, and she has these uneven alligator like lips, and then beyond her pencil neck is this super long torso with legs that are too long, and then out of nowhere, this curly pug tail. If I had to choose an artist to paint her, I would probably pick a cubist. We all joke about Tunch and his after market tail, but if you knew Lily, you would understand what I mean when I say it looks like she was pieced together with random dog parts. Rosie, by any objective standard, is a far more attractive and proportioned dog.

And I say all this and tell you, with all sincerity, that she is still the most wonderful and beautiful and incredibly gorgeous dog in the world. She is always with me, always beautiful, and always perfect. When she is sitting on my lap and has an itch and starts to scratch, I push her paw away and scratch her myself because I know my fingers can do a better job than her paw. She sleeps every night with her butt in my armpit and my hand on her head so I can scruff her ears anytime I want. Although sometimes Rosie bullies her out of her spot, and Lily will sleep on the pillow next to my head with her legs bracketing my pumpkin sized noggin (If I was a cowboy, I would need to wear a twelve gallon hat).

So back off. No one loves the Lily more than me.

Reader Interactions

49Comments

  2. 2.

    Nicole

    Call her homely all you want. Dogs don’t care what you think of their appearance as long as you love them. Our Ripley looks like a bobble head doll, with a big head and skinny little body. I frequently point out how oddly proportioned she is and she responds with a lick and a request to play fetch. Really, a lot of us could stand to take lessons about the value of having such an absolute lack of interest in what others think of our appearance.

    My preschooler has his first ear infection, poor guy, and Ripley is curled up on the floor next to his bed. Normally she sleeps in my and my husband’s room, in her crate, but I think she knew he could use the moral support tonight. Good girl!

  5. 5.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    I needed a review of high school geometry to follow your second paragraph, but after some work with a protractor I think I’ve got the picture.

    She sleeps every night with her butt in my armpit and my hand on her head so I can scruff her ears anytime I want.

    I sleep that way too, but I don’t even have a dog. Now I’m thinking maybe it’s not normal.

  7. 7.

    Jebediah, RBG

    I read this with Chucky curled up by me feet. I had to reach down and give her a scritch.

    And yes, it’s the dog she is that makes her beautiful.

  8. 8.

    seaboogie

    Lily looks like love and devotion, ergo – she is beautiful – a real stunner!

    ETA: Either your armpit smells like dogbutt, or her butt smells like your armpit…hmmmmm…

  11. 11.

    Jeffry

    Thank you so much for being honest about what you feel about your pets. You can’t know what help this is for one, like me, who lives alone and basically lives for my three cats, to just accept the joy of having them around, with all their quirks and craziness.

    This is the first message I have ever left on a blog, and yes, it would only be pet madness and love that has motivated me to do so.

    And, yeah, they don’t give a shit what they look like to us. They only care if they are loved.

  12. 12.

    Suzanne

    I had a funny-looking dog with the world’s biggest heart, too. My mom said, “she looks like she was made from badly-folded blueprints”.

    The fact that one does not fold blueprints (or that nothing has been constructed from blueprints since, like, the Ice Age) is immaterial. It’s funny how their awkwardness just makes them even more endearing.

  14. 14.

    Alison

    Bah! Great looks are overrated. Some of the best and most memorable high fashion models are hardly the ones who’d stop traffic. They’re the ones who look *interesting*, unique, unusual.

    Perfectly pretty dogs might be the best in a show ring, but goofy looking mutts are just as fun to come home to :)

  16. 16.

    PurpleGirl

    Wonderful sentiments, John. Hoping you have the pets for a long healthy time (for you and the pets).

  19. 19.

    Omnes Omnibus

    Think about the word homely. Think about Tolkien’s use of the word. “The last homely house?”

  20. 20.

    sfinny

    Well my cat has an ungainly stance because he appears to be pigeon toed and strangely balanced. He is not sociable with others. But sometimes he strikes a pose that is majestic and sleeps next to me as a purring heat source. So he gets a “who’s my pretty kitty” chant around the apartment.

  22. 22.

    Comrade Mary

    I’ve always thought Lily was a very cute dog — her gestalt is just brilliant — but when you analyze her bit by bit like that, you can see the odd way she’s pieced together — and this make her even cuter in my book.

    It’s always the people with a mix of classically gorgeous and somewhat weird features who intrigue me, and I guess it’s the same thing with pets.

  23. 23.

    different-church-lady

    Look, dammit. I got a good thing going with my cat. I think my cat is handsome. I don’t go posting long soliloquies about my damn cat’s handsomeness on the internet. I don’t give mixed messages. Cat looks good, end of story.

    DCL, + about a dozen (it’s hard to say exactly, since we were trying to invent new cocktails and doing a lot of tasting…)

  24. 24.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Comrade Mary:

    It’s always the people with a mix of classically gorgeous and somewhat weird features who intrigue me

    Too perfect is boring. The mole, the little scar, slight asymmetry, the “too large mouth,” those things make someone memorable.

  26. 26.

    MattR

    Yay, Lily pictures!!! Thanks John Cole. Missed the pics last night. Was out at a friend’s surprise 40th birthday party where I got to play with their 8 month old pup – a 45ish LB golden lab mix of some sort. I have no problem with your honest appraisal of Lily’s looks since it doesn’t diminish your love for her. Similarly, I readily admit that my Ellie is a bit stupid, but I think that is part of her charm.

  30. 30.

    different-church-lady

    @koalaholik: Well, there’s the Mr. Boston book, and then there’s the Mr. Boston Platinum book.

    The latter has a great deal of cocktails that are well worth making. The other half not so much. The trick is to pick the right half.

  31. 31.

    Omnes Omnibus

    BTW, Cole, Scarlett Johansson’s nose is too big. Her mouth is too wide. Her cheek bones are too wide as well. Oh yeah, her nose is upturned as well. She is still gorgeous and stunningly sexy. It’s how things work together. And personality.

    ETA: Look for flaws and you will find them.

  33. 33.

    Comrade Mary

    I think SJo is extremely lovely for many of those reasons Omnes has pointed out. (Also, she is killer in this video.)

    However, John, please don’t take this comparison as a challenge for your burgeoning photographic skills. I don’t think we need to see a close-up shot of Lily’s admittedly cute dog-butt, wrapped in semi-transparent panties, on your bed.

    Aaaand it will take a while for me to get that image out of my head. Damn.

  34. 34.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Comrade Mary: God. I love both the song and the video. And ScarJo. She really is a perfect exemplar of a bunch imperfect features coming together and creating beauty. And as always, personality matters. Mata Hari was rather plain, but apparently she had “something;” the “something” was obviously personality ( and/or sexual technique).

  35. 35.

    mai naem

    I don’t think Lily’s homely. She may not be one of Dog Fancy cover dogs but she’s definitely above average. Beyond that, it’s all personality, not looks. I personally have never liked the look of brindle dogs and hairless dogs. I just find them unattractive but whatever.

  36. 36.

    NotMax

    @different-church-lady

    My guidebook for drinks ingredients (when memory fails, but invariably play around with the proportions regardless) is a breast pocket-sized 112 page booklet one used to be able to get by sending in a label from Angostura bitters.

  37. 37.

    steve

    John, it’s WRINGER, not ringer. I hate to be a spelling/grammar nazi but “putting [somebody] through the wringer” is vastly more evocative and powerful, especially if you visualize one of those old-fashioned wringer washing machines.

    Oh, and in response to the ScarJo comments above: she’s a clone. That’s common knowledge, guys. I’m amazed you don’t know. Just Google “scarlett johansson clone” and you’ll find plenty of solid evidence!

  40. 40.

    WereBear

    I have a habit, as my friends say, of “picking the most pathetic kitten in the place,” and yet they turn out so beautifully.

    I do not think, looking back, that I have ever chosen for looks. It’s always personality.

    In any case, beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

  41. 41.

    SFAW

    No one loves the Lily more than me.

    Actually, John, most of us here love Lily more than we love you. (Not that we HATE you, you unnerstand.)

    Or did you mean “more than I”?

    [OK, Cervantes?]

  43. 43.

    John Johnson

    Our Buster is quite handsome so canine homeliness is not a problem I’ve ever encountered. Aren’t there any support groups?

  45. 45.

    SFAW

    @Karen in GA:

    IIRC, didn’t a bunch of modeling agencies tell Cindy Crawford to have her mole removed?

    Hey, at least she doesn’t have a dead muskrat on top of her head, posing as hair.

  46. 46.

    Aurona

    Yes; homely as only a part-Pug dog can be. Lily and (my) Kali look like the same type of small dog mix with those googly Pug eyes. Kali’s little nose that hasn’t quite formed right/with crooked teeth is what I’ve got. The same long legs and pug curled tail are all out of balance with her Lab sister, too. Confirmation is definitely not her strong suit. But yeah; too cute with personality plus. Not homely, exactly, just put together differently than the rest of the small canine mixes to show off all that lurv they have.

  48. 48.

    2046

    She has the most beautiful and soulful eyes. I love dogs like this. They just love a person to pieces.

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