Canada is trying to steal the North Pole. We must Preserve Our Essence and keep their gravy-stained, poutine-grabbing paws off of Santa’s homeland. Do you think a pre-emptive strike on Mississauga and Chicoutimi is the right way to show them who’s boss? Or should we just cut to the chase by invading the tar sands of Alberta? Discuss that or anything else in this open thread.
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scuffletuffle
Yutsano in 3…2…1…
Villago Delenda Est
I blame Canada. Oh, wait…you already did.
Or those Russkies. Can’t trust them. As the people of the Ukraine should know by now…in fact, most of them do.
Knight of Nothing
The hell you say!? Everyone knows Santa is Finnish.
The Red Pen
ICYMI
Yatsuno
It’s either the Canucks or the Russkies. Take yer pick.
Belafon
I say we build a wall dividing the Northern North Pole from the Southern North Pole.
Yatsuno
@scuffletuffle: I am nothing if not prompt, even if I’ve been doing medical shit all morning.
Jane2
Go for it, Yankee infidel. Remember The War of 1812.
Gin & Tonic
@Villago Delenda Est: It’s “Ukraine”, not “the Ukraine.” You don’t say “the France”, do you?
Roger Moore
@Yatsuno:
Why not the USA? We have Alaska, after all, so we’re about as close to the pole as those other guys.
shelly
Palin can see Santa’s workshop from her house
ranchandsyrup
don’t sleep on Denmark, they could trump everyone.
Also, if Russia’s claim prevails, Putin is likely to name Snowden
whistleblowerleakerEmperor of the North Pole.PeakVT
I think extending continental shelf “rights” that far is ridiculous, but I suppose I’d rather have Soviet Canuckistan claim it than Soviet Russia.
Steeplejack
@Gin & Tonic:
While France was never “the France” (except in French), Ukraine was “the Ukraine” until relatively recently.
I will skip over “the Argentine” and “the Congo.”
MattF
You’re all just completely ignoring the civilization under the North Pole:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollow_Earth
Roger Moore
@Steeplejack:
And the United States of America.
Lee
My oldest daughter battles depression.
I found this shortish video really helpful.
MattF
@Steeplejack: Also, ‘the Lebanon.’
Villago Delenda Est
@Gin & Tonic:
In German, you say “The Turkey” and “The Czechoslovakia”.
Ok, unless you’re a Mitt Romney foreign policy adviser, you don’t say the second in any case.
burnspbesq
@Roger Moore:
Not to mention The Ohio State University.
Mike in NC
Americans tried to invade Canada at least three times between the 1770s and the 1870s, and it never ended well.
peach flavored shampoo
Wait…Denmark is claiming the North Pole? Not only are they not the northiest, they’re not even in the Artic Circle. I think Poland ought to get the North Pole, just because it’s seems appropriate.
burnspbesq
@MattF:
Sy Hersh says Hollow Earth is real and Obama misrepresented the evidence in his public statements on the subject.
PeakVT
@peach flavored shampoo: You forgot
PolandGreenland.Map.
Steeplejack
@MattF:
Don’t know if you’re snarking, but I’ve never heard “the Lebanon” used outside the Human League song. “The Levant,” yes, but that’s an area that encompasses Lebanon, Syria and other parts of the eastern Mediterranean.
Villago Delenda Est
@burnspbesq:
No, that was Glenn Beck. Nice try, though!
burnspbesq
“Mr. President, we cannot allow a North Pole Gap.”
burnspbesq
Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Whackaloonia) announced today that the House Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations will hold hearings on how the Obama Administration lost the North Pole.
scav
I don’t know, looking at the stuff Santa’s elves can churn out, they might be able to put up a hell of a fight, albeit sometimes with nerf ammo — their lego battalions are impressive and you can’t match the speed and pin-point accuracy of their delivery systems either. No wonder the concerted global effort to drown them out first.
Punchy
@peach flavored shampoo: Do you think Poland would go to war…saw over this claim?
I agree that the Danes must be playing some tendentious tectonic tomfoolery if they think they have a legit claim for a land that is not only not contiguous, but not even in the same time zone or climate. Good lord.
MattF
@Steeplejack: In fact, Robert MacNeil, back in the days of the MacNeil-Lehrer Report, always used to refer to ‘the Lebanon’. It was an affectation even at that time, but I think that back in the ’20’s and ’30’s, ‘the Lebanon’ was the standard name for the area.
Thor Heyerdahl
@Roger Moore: Uh no. Barrow, AK is the northermost US town at 71 degrees 17 minutes north.
Russia, Denmark (via Greenland), Canada and Norway all have inhabited settlements, let alone weather stations much further north than Barrow. Alert in the Canadian arctic is approx. 760 miles north of Barrow. Lonyearbyen in Svalbard (Norway) is approx 480 miles north of Barrow, Qaanaq (formerly Thule) in Greenland is about 410 miles north of Barrow.
DougJ
He’d be damned if any Canucks gonna put their greasy poutine-stained hands on his boy’s birthright.
redbeardjim
@Punchy: Yeah, it’s almost as bad as the US laying claim to some volcanic island chain in the middle of the Pacific. And then having the gall to say that people from that chain are eligible to be President!
scav
And what about the Evangelical and Cheney-Repub (keeping it in the family) claims to the North Pole?! Valuable natural exploitable resources and clearly a part of the War on Christmas as well! Two-fer! Especially as they already control the real math (and presumably geometry which is exactly the same as geography, right?)
MikeJ
@MattF: The Lebanon.
@Knight of Nothing:
Actually he’s Turkish.
Thor Heyerdahl
@Thor Heyerdahl: And while Alert is a manned weather station, the settlement of Grise Fjord is still at 76 degrees north approx 350 miles north of Barrow.
handsmile
Preferred nomenclature aside, foreboding developments today in Kiev, “[The] Ukraine riot police enter central Kiev amid rumors of attack on square”:
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/dec/09/ukraine-riot-police-kiev-square-klitschko
Toppling statues of former leaders may be all good fun, but apparently threats to march upon his home were a little too much for President Viktor Yanukovych.
Thor Heyerdahl
@MikeJ: Lots of Finns head to Antalya in the winter…
MattF
@handsmile: And, not unrelated, Putin kills off the only more-or-less unbiased official news source in Russia:
http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2013/12/09/ria_novosti_russia_today_putin_replaces_a_state_run_news_outlet_with_a_state.html
I know, it’s a Slate link, but the news reports aren’t telling the whole story.
Punchy
So the fucking ‘Kraines hate geometry, too? Wait till they lay waste to the rhombus.
Gin & Tonic
@Villago Delenda Est: Let me know when this blog starts being written in German.
Knight of Nothing
@MikeJ: Ha! Actually, that requires you to believe (1) that Santa is Christian, and (2) St Nick and Santa are the same dude. I think the evidence points to a different conclusion.
ericblair
@Thor Heyerdahl:
So, give it 50 years and a few bazillion more tons of atmospheric carbon, and we’ll have a Club Med resort with infinity pool? Might start buying up land around there now before the rush starts.
Origuy
The word “Ukraine” comes from an Old Slavic word meaning “borderland”. I guess the Ukrainians felt that using the article (in English; Ukrainian like Russian doesn’t have articles) made their country sound like the hinterlands of Russia.
handsmile
@MattF:
Thanks, this AJA article provides a little more information on Putin’s action to dissolve RIA:
http://america.aljazeera.com/articles/2013/12/9/putin-dissolves-rianovostinewsagency.html
Though for the time being at least, RIA Novosti’s website is still active:
http://en.ria.ru/
caroln
@Steeplejack:
http://www.lyricsdepot.com/roger-waters/three-wishes.html
I wish they were all happy in the Lebanon
Gene108
@Lee:
Nice video.
People have also liked this blog post http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1
My only quibble with the video and blog post is the idea that not feeling is as bad as depression gets. From my experience becoming actively psychotic is worse.
Positive reinforcement is needed for recovery. Anytime you can think to praise someone recovering do it. Even the “simple” stuff like getting out of bed, taking a bath and getting out of the house can take a lot of will power, if the crazy voiced are kicking in.
Mnemosyne
@Steeplejack:
What about the Netherlands?
ottercliff
This is just another shot in that insidious War On Christmas.
Svensker
@MattF:
We know a Hollow Earther! He claims the entrance to the H.E. is via an unmarked Holiday Inn somewhere in Nevada or thereabouts. Makes perfect sense to me.
Also, not all us Canuckistanians have gravy-stained fingers. Mine are donut-stained, if you must know.
Gene108
@Mike in NC:
I do not think the 1770 invasions should count, since it was part of the Revolutionary War and unlike the War of 1812, not an overt attempt at gaining territory.
The only thing we would need to resolve is, if we do invade Canada and pay them back for torching the White House, should just settle for buildings in Ottowa or since Canada is still part of the Commonwealth and the British King/Queen is still their head of state, should we trash Buckingham Palace because the White House is not only the seat of government but also doubled as where our head of state is.
PIGL
Invade the tarsands? You can have them. Please take Alberta with you, but leave is a free transit corridors, and make Edmonton a free city.
ericblair
The Hollow Earth hypothesis must be true. It is the only logical place where our missing socks from the laundry could be accumulating since the only alternative would be an easily detectable new moon. QED. Because science.
Yatsuno
@Svensker: Mmm…Timbits…
MattF
@ericblair: I’ve always held to the view that Missing Socks are a consequence of the Axiom of Choice:
http://math.stackexchange.com/questions/15668/axiom-of-choice-examples
Spike
All of this definite article silliness reminds me of the comic who would start his act with “Hello I’m A. Whitney Brown. Someday I hope to be The Whitney Brown.”
El Caganer
Senator John McCain has demanded that the Administration provide weapons and supplies to the Free Elves Army, saying “No people, no matter how small and pointy-eared, deserve to live under the tyranny of socialized medicine.”
canuckistani
Come and take it, if you’re ready for a mukluk up the ass.
low-tech cyclist
I say that we tell the Canadians that if they don’t behave themselves, we will give them Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Oklahoma, and then run and hide so they can’t give ’em back.
Cermet
Great idea – we invade, declare we lost and surrender only if they agree to absorb us. We all get single payer health care, and best of all, get rid of congress – win/win.
? Martin
That’s bullshit. Canada already owns the magnetic north pole. They want the geographic one too?
Villago Delenda Est
@Origuy:
More like the Belgium of Russia, where all the invasions by the Huns/Krauts start.
Villago Delenda Est
@El Caganer:
But they like it! Just like the house elves of Hogwarts!
Darn S.P.E.W. radicals…
currants
@Gin & Tonic: La France?
Steeplejack
@Mnemosyne:
The Netherlands, Holland . . . and the people from there are Dutch? I can’t deal with that level of fucked-up-ness.
Steeplejack
@Spike:
Alas, now he’s “who’s Whitney Brown?”
Hightower
Excellent use of funny Canadia city names. You also could have gone with Medicine Hat and Moose Jaw.
Jay C
@Steeplejack:
And not only that, but the capital of The Netherlands is at The Hague! Attitude, much, Dutchies??
Citizen_X
YOU JUST TRY AND TAKE IT, JOHNNY CANUCK
Roy G.
“The Ukraine is weak. It’s feeble. I think it’s time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.”
-Cosmo Kramer
jefft452
@Gene108: “I do not think the 1770 invasions should count, since it was part of the Revolutionary War and unlike the War of 1812, not an overt attempt at gaining territory.”
Yeah it was
They wanted all 20 colonies, not just the 13 that they ended up with
jefft452
Plan Crimson is still on the shelf somewhere, isn’t it?
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
Leaving the article off The Ukraine just sounds so freakin’ illiterate. That and The Sudan. I guess I’ve been fatigued into compliance on The Lebanon and The Labrador and The Gambia and The Cameroons—and even the calculus—but I dig my heels in with those two.
Roy G.
@Hightower: Not to mention Dildo, Newfoundland.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DildoNewfoundland.jpg
Just One More Canuck
I’m sure that TROC (The Rest of Canada) would be fine if Toronto were to suddenly disappear
SiubhanDuinne
@Spike:
“I have with me in the studio tonight Anne Elk.”
SiubhanDuinne
@Just One More Canuck:
We used to call it “Trocadia.”
Just One More Canuck
@Roy G.: It’s just down the road from Come By Chance
Snarki, child of Loki
@Mike in NC:
But now that there are Tim Horton’s in upstate NY, there’s no more reason to invade.
Steeplejack
@The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge:
The Sudan! That’s the one I couldn’t remember. Been nagging at me all day. Thank you.