I grew up in a small coastal town in Florida. Every year there was an annual holiday parade featuring an honor guard, Future Farmers of America, the school marching band, floats sponsored by local merchants and Santa and his elves on the town fire truck.
One year, my younger sister and I got to be in the parade. We were about five and six at the time, so when we were told that we were actually going to be on a float in the parade instead of mere spectators, it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to us.
Even when our mom told us we would be riding on the Florida Pest Control float (a display sponsored by the exterminator business where our grandfather worked at the time) and costumed as vermin, it didn’t dampen our enthusiasm. At least, not until we saw our costumes, which our mom spent days sewing for us. I was to dress as a rat, and that was okay with me:
However, my sister had to be a cockroach, and she was NOT happy about that, even though our mom had cleverly used fishing line to make the costume’s fake roachy arms move whenever my sister moved her real arms:
And in truth, my sister did have a legitimate complaint, since, in an attempt to get the proportions right, our mom had made a roach costume that tightly restricted the wearer’s movements. Most of my sister’s real legs were encased in the padded felt roach carapace, with just her shins and feet sticking out of a fairly small opening at the bottom:
This design forced her to take baby steps in the costume. After trying it on, she asked why she couldn’t be the rat and I couldn’t be the roach. But mom pointed out that as the eldest, I was the tallest, and it wouldn’t be logical for a roach to be taller than a rat, not even in Florida.
When the evening of the parade finally arrived, we went down to the beginning of the route to meet up with the Florida Pest Control float crew. The float was a livestock trailer attached to a pest control truck. Someone had fashioned giant ants out of red Styrofoam balls and pipe-cleaners and wired them randomly over the float’s exterior.
On the float, there was a bin filled with candy as well as a box of flyswatters emblazoned with the Florida Pest Control logo. We were to throw handfuls of candy to parade goers (I guess it never occurred to anyone that people might be reluctant to accept candy from vermin). We were also instructed to “gently toss” flyswatters into the crowd. My sister was still seething about the roach costume as our father hoisted us onto the float.
A more empathetic sibling might have offered comfort, but I threatened to beat the shit out of my sister if she didn’t stop whining. Thus, we both began the parade in a foul mood, expressing our ire by hurling candy with great force at other children and attempting to hit as many people in the face with the flyswatters as we could:
You could say the crowd wasn’t on our side. But then the Florida Pest Control float came to an abrupt halt, possibly to avoid bumping into the float in front of it. Since I had unrestricted use of my legs, I was able to maintain my balance. But my sister’s costume tripped her when the truck lurched, and she fell against the railing of the float, clinging to it and wailing piteously.
At that moment, I happened to have a flyswatter raised high over my head, intent on hurling it full-force at my Sunday school teacher, whom I’d spotted in the crowd. But then I noticed my roach-sister splayed on the railing in front of me, emitting annoying howls. I began swatting her padded carapace, which didn’t actually hurt her, but was still fun. The crowd went wild:
The end.
Yatsuno
You have no idea how much I needed this Betty. :)
WereBear
Makes me wish I had a sister…
schrodinger's cat
That is funny! Now tell us how your sister got back at you?
scav
Now I’m ready for a family holiday. I want a flyswatter on my tree just to extend the mood.
Randy P
I had deja vu looking at this, because it’s almost like an episode of Hyperbole and a Half which I was just reading a minute ago. I bought the book as a present for my daughter and of course had to first read through it myself, which got me then going to the blog to view old classics like the Pain Scale.
khead
You see those illustrations Cole? That’s how it’s done.
Amir Khalid
I sense a “Hyperbole and A Half” vibe in this post. Is that intentional?
ETA:
@Randy P:
I see I’m not the only one who had this reaction.
David Koch
A Pestivus for the rest of us!
Violet
I have a cold and I started laughing and then coughing. Damn you, Betty! **shakes fist**
RobertDSC-PowerMac G4 Dual 1.25
LMAO. Post of the year.
dmsilev
My favorite line, I think. Many to choose from.
Has your sister sued your parents for child abuse yet?
LanceThruster
The story and illustrations are funny, but it reminded me of a story recently of a young child being run over and killed when they fell off the float being pulled by a tractor driven by the father.
Sorry.
TaMara (BHF)
Great story. Thanks for ending the week in a laugh.
jl
@schrodinger’s cat: Betty Cracker’s murder at the hands of her aggrieved and outraged sister will be the next installment?
Edit: I don’t understand why BC did not jump at the chance to be a huge, tall, cockroach.
Drunken hausfrau
Hilarious! I drink to you and your pesty little sister!
Betty Cracker
@Amir Khalid: Nah, not intentional; I’ve been doing similar cartoons online forever. But I am a H&1/2 fan; she’s way funnier than me.
Jay C
Kudos, Betty: this should be made into a half-hour animation special and aired every Christmas from now ’til forever….
You might even be able to use your own pictures…..
Omnes Omnibus
BC, I recall you mentioning this in passing in a previous post. Thanks for going into the details.
Hungry Joe
My first thought, too — very “Hyperbole and a Half”-esque.
HinTN
@Amir Khalid: It’s because we yearn for our long lost Sarah Proud and Tall and those yarns from Idlewilde
aimai
Oh thank you thank you thank you betty. I just read it out loud to Mr. Aimai. You’ve made two more people very happy with this story.
MikeJ
It’s like Balloon Juice has its own Jean Shepherd.
Huzzah!
Chat Noir
/golf clap
I really like your writing.
Cassidy
Freedom has died a little on the inside, not the big part, but where the inner child is, now that the NSA has this story in its database.
gene108
I like your art work Betty. It is very good.
Josie
I found myself almost sad that you didn’t get to complete this revenge. Thanks for a great story. Please do this more often.
Citizen_X
Band name!
@khead:
Hush, you! You really want an illustrated naked mopping story?
Felonius Monk
@MikeJ:
Actually, DOUBLE Huzzah!
NotMax
Could have been worse, had your parent worked for a septic tank pumping concern.
Ruckus
Betty
Great family story.
We all probably have at least one but lack the ability to tell it properly so no one ever wants to hear it. You don’t lack that gene.
rda909
@Cassidy: Freedom is just another word for, nothing left to lose. Good enough for me and my Bobby GlennG.
That’s why we all, as true patriots, should move to Russia, via China. Or Brazil is acceptable is you happen to have some nice-looking azz there. Makes perfect sense. Anything to get away from the oppressive Wall St.-puppet-Chicago Machine-uppity Kenyan, Barack Obummer.
acallidryas
This makes me feel nostalgic for my own coastal Florida childhood and our annual shrimp parade. Ours was in early spring, meaning the temperature was already in the upper eighties, and my community oriented parents always had us walking in it one way or the other. The one time we got to ride on a float it was the most exciting thing ever. :)
beth
I love this story – it could have only been made better if you had rendered the illustrations in wine foil!
ranchandsyrup
Love it Betty!
MomSense
Awesome, Betty!!!
Cassidy
@rda909: I cannot argue with your reasoning re: Brazil.
fuckwit
My god, you’ve written a Hyperbole and a Half post!
Are you sure you’re not Allie Brosh’s mother?
low-tech cyclist
I’m guessing this wasn’t part of the Strawberry Festival. Of course, come to think of it, you did say ‘coastal’ town, and Plant City is well inland, so never mind.
JordanRules
I’m weak. Great story.
JPL
Thanks Betty and Happy Holidays to you and your family.
geg6
Ah, I love you, Betty. Made my day!
Reminds me of when I let my little sister ride my bike on Good Friday, which she promptly wrecked. I told her she had suck it up and stop crying because it was between noon and 3pm, when good Catholics know Jesus was suffering on the cross and we shouldn’t be riding bikes but reflecting on the Lord’s suffering. And since she’d sinned, she should follow Jesus’ example by not crying and taking her punishment from mom and not ratting me out. After all, that’s what Jesus did, right?
It worked. The parental units never learned the truth until we were in grad school.
Mnemosyne
@geg6:
That could be a thread in itself: stories your parents never heard until all the kids were adults. I know I have one, but I can’t think of it right now.
Mnemosyne
Is Tommy around? Jeffreyw posted some pics of border collie/lab mix puppies that came into the animal shelter his wife works (volunteers?) at. They sound like just what he’s looking for, and since they’re both downstate …
Tim F.
Betty, you are awesome. If it makes you feel better I see you more as a rat than a cockroach.
PhoenixRising
Oh, Betty. This was highly entertaining.
Also, I used to like you, but now, as the younger by 19 months sister, I am required to hate you forever.
kc
LOL! Literally.
Betsy
That is a stitch, Betty.
And, only in Florida.
Do you remember the animated neon billboard in Jax for Florida Pest Cotnrol? With the little cartoon man pushing in the handle on the oqld-style poison puffer?
uila
You should know I just passed the laptop over to my wife, and she laughed so hard from start to finish her face is now covered in tears and snot. Awesome.
PS, she is from The South.
Ruckus
@uila:
Don’t think a writer has ever had a better review than this.
Cassidy
@Betsy: In Riverside?
Denali
We were deeply considering Florida as an alternative to ANOTHER DAMN SNOWSTORM in upstate New York, but after the thought of rats and cockroaches on parade, never mind!
JGabriel
Betty Cracker:
This is why I love Balloon-Juice.
mclaren
A perfect encapsulization of Shithole America. I guess we should be thankful that your parents didn’t send you out hooking on a streetcorner with costumes reading SPONSORED BY CITIGROUP. That’s for the next generation of kids in these Benighted States…
“Shithole America — exploiting everyone, all the time, even small children, for the grubbiest dollar possible!”