Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

You passed on an opportunity to be offended? What are you even doing here?

The desire to stay informed is directly at odds with the need to not be constantly enraged.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

We can’t confuse what’s necessary to win elections with the policies that we want to implement when we do.

With all due respect and assumptions of good faith, please fuck off into the sun.

So many bastards, so little time.

Hey hey, RFK, how many kids did you kill today?

Republicans seem to think life begins at the candlelight dinner the night before.

Books are my comfort food!

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

An almost top 10,000 blog!

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

Washington Post Catch and Kill, not noticeably better than the Enquirer’s.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

I would try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.

Not rolling over. fuck you, make me.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

Following reporting rules is only for the little people, apparently.

I might just take the rest of the day off and do even more nothing than usual.

If you are still in the gop, you are either an extremist yourself, or in bed with those who are.

The fundamental promise of conservatism all over the world is a return to an idealized past that never existed.

Fight for a just cause, love your fellow man, live a good life.

Conservatism: there are people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Thursday Evening Open Thread: #RomanceFAIL

Thursday Evening Open Thread: #RomanceFAIL

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no bangable parts skin horse
(Skin Horse via GoComics.com)

Another reason to be glad I’m old, and partnered up, and yet: hilarious. Alli Reed at Cracked decides to troll OkCupid (if that isn’t redundant)…

As a child of the Internet and confirmed weirdo, imagine my relief when they finally took that last bastion of in-person awkwardness — dating — to my laptop instead. I’ve been using one of the major dating sites, OkCupid, on and off for about five years now. While it has its perks, being a woman on a dating site means immersing yourself in a disgusting cesspool of exposed nerves, unfiltered testosterone, and daily propositions to engage in sex acts so horrifying, I hadn’t even heard of them before, and I’m from the Internet.

I got the feeling that a lot of men on that site would message literally any woman who had a profile, but the optimist in me wanted to believe that there was a limit. Maybe there was a woman so awful, so toxic, so irredeemably unlikeable that no one would message her, or if they did, at least they would realize they never, ever wanted to meet her. So I made the OkCupid profile of the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it.

I did not accomplish my goal…

***********
Let us be glad for the small blessings, such as that you’ve never been so desperate as to contact ‘aaroncarterfan’. (Unless, well… I’m so sorry, dude… )

Apart from mocking the clueless (same as every night, Pinkie!) what’s on the agenda for the evening?

Reader Interactions

196Comments

  2. 2.

    StringOnAStick

    I’m bored so I’ve been clicking on the noisemax and liberty U ads to send some coin over to BJ central. All I can say is the intertubes have many delusional people, and not all of them are on OKcupid. The fun part is how desperately liberty U follows me where ever I go.

  5. 5.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Apart from mocking the clueless (same as every night, Pinkie!) what’s on the agenda for the evening?

    I let it pass the other night, but if this is going to be the new “Evening Open Thread” mantra, I feel obliged to note that it’s “Pinky,” not “Pinkie.”

    Narf!

  6. 6.

    Violet

    I heard this story on a couple of mainstream news outlets, complete with tsk tsking from the TV personalities. Seems like a dumb experiment. And sort of ten years out of date. Creeps on the internet is news how?

  9. 9.

    Anoniminous

    If the women of BJ are going to start snarking on men I’ll stay around for the fun. If not I’m heading downstairs to be with the SO, the dog, and the cat and do the crossword puzzle.

  10. 10.

    Baud

    Let us be glad for the small blessings, such as that you’ve never been so desperate as to contact ‘aaroncarterfan’. (Unless, well… I’m so sorry, dude… )

    Don’t judge me!

  11. 11.

    lamh36

    @andersoncooper 14m
    Breaking: Tomorrow nearly 1000 pages of documents will be released concerning the Bridge closure in New Jersey. Details #AC360 8pm

  17. 17.

    Gex

    My friend got propositioned by a guy with the user name VagBlasterXXX. okcupid said they were a 73% match.

  20. 20.

    some guy

    Too many of my pals have been using Don’t Judge Me as their message signature.where does that come from?

  23. 23.

    Wil

    The woman making the “awful” profile does not understand what men think is “awful” and posted a picture of her model friend as a sort of “just to make sure someone will respond because OMG my fake profile is so awwwfullll (but did you notice I look like a model?)”

    She should have had a male friend create the fake profile if she really wanted to try to come up with something that would turn men off.

    Almost nothing in the fake profile was as bad as she thinks it is, except the ‘faked being pregnant and now my ex pays child support’ one.

  29. 29.

    Comrade Mary

    @srv: Here you go.

    It’s another night out with the boss
    Following in footsteps overgrown with moss
    And he tells me that women grow on trees
    And if you catch them right they will land upon their knees …

  30. 30.

    Anoniminous

    I don’t understand why men join dating sites. If they want to meet women all they have to do is make a stop at Rent-a-Baby, put it in one of the carry-sling things, go to nearest mall, and sit down. Within 30 seconds 10,000 women will show up to coo and ahh.

    Unless you’re a complete shit you’ll find a date.

  32. 32.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Aji:

    Ah, a fellow CDO sufferer.

    (That’s OCD, but in alphabetical order the way it’s supposed to be.)

    Here all week, veal, waitress, etc.

  36. 36.

    James Gary

    The experiment would’ve worked better if she’d invented a profile that was less obviously satirical. I’ll open up a can of worms and say if I actually saw Alli Reed’s OKC profile whilst browsing the site, I’d assume it was intended as self-aware parody/performance art (which, to any college-educated observer, it obviously is) and respond accordingly (and if I didn’t have the greybearded restraint of age, that *might* include responding in kind with over-the-top bragging about my fictitious Camaro, 3-Wolves t-shirt, and male endowment.)

  37. 37.

    PhoenixRising

    Sent the article to a friend who just had an unexpected (by her) breakup from BF of a decade. She showed me her online dating profile, which was in its 4th day of service, and the replies blew me away. For one thing, I’m a gold star lesbian, and for another thing I’ve been married to the Mrs since before internet dating existed. So…I needed strong spirits to restore my faith in humanity, seriously.

    My friend, who I met through her sporting pursuits (she’s an adult who decided that she was going back at it, competing with my 14 year old, now that she can afford the training time–how’s that for Serious Chutzpah?) is good looking, extremely fit, works serving the public using her medical professional credential, and has a well-developed sense of humor. Enough so that she was, through the application of enough bourbon, able to laugh at the fellas who want to meet her.

    Anyone of the male persuasion around here who can elucidate how a girl like her would meet a cool, funny, progressive, employed fella like yourself online? Is a dating site the way to go?

  40. 40.

    Laertes

    She stacked the deck not only by posting the smoking-hot profile photo, but by saying that she was available for “casual sex.” A lot of really serious personality defects aren’t going to get in the way of a good time if it’s a brief, one-time thing.

  43. 43.

    Yatsuno

    So I am having massive fail with my laptop right now. It has decided that I want it to use the down arrow all the time even if I’m not touching anything. It’s probably the spill over Columbus Day weekend catching up with me. I’m hoping I can disable things when I get the new keyboard tomorrow. Right now it’s just annoying.

  44. 44.

    Cassidy

    @PhoenixRising: Online? No. Online is where people go to say “fuck it, I’ll take anything as long as it’s consistent and occasional sex is involved”.

    She’s in shape. Go to Crossfit Games. Wear a shirt with something snarky and overtly progressive. Someone will take the bait.

  45. 45.

    Roger Moore

    @Laertes:

    A lot of really serious personality defects aren’t going to get in the way of a good time if it’s a brief, one-time thing.

    Nor is this view necessarily limited to men.

  48. 48.

    cathyx

    There’s beer goggles, which is the belief that other people look more attractive the more you drink, and there’s reverse beer goggles, the belief that you look more attractive the more you drink.

  49. 49.

    Laertes

    @PhoenixRising:

    nyone of the male persuasion around here who can elucidate how a girl like her would meet a cool, funny, progressive, employed fella like yourself online? Is a dating site the way to go?

    Forget online dating. I could write a dissertation on this, but the short version is that online dating is a horror show of cognitive biases. For a start, your inbox will be dominated by the users who are spamming every woman on the site, and that’s a filter that will be largely invisible at first. Other problems: The format favors lying, and the more shameless the better. Often the really important information is the stuff that won’t (easily) fit into a profile, but it’s natural to make decisions based on the data to hand however flawed it is.

    TLDR: Online dating virtually guarantees that you’ll mostly meet jerks.

    Try speed dating instead. The three big virtues there are:
    1: It’s much easier to assess charm & chemistry in person. 2: You will talk to every person there. 3: You won’t talk to anyone for very long.

  52. 52.

    Laertes

    While I’m on the subject, two other observations about online dating, from back when I still tried it:

    I quickly stopped making the initial contact. Not once did that ever produce a response. This suggests an obvious conclusion about the choices I was making, but when I instead switched to only talking to women who wrote me first, this often involved women I’d never have dared to write to unprompted. (So one possible strategy for your friend would be to completely ignore guys who write to her, and insist on always making the first move herself. That’d mitigate some, but not all, of the problems.)

    The second big surprise was what women would say they were looking for. Now, this bit is public, so one can’t count on it being honest, but in any case it’s interesting to see what people wanted to represent that their preferences were, and the pattern was striking. What I observed was that women represented that they don’t care if you’re old, or fat, or poor, but if you aren’t at least two inches taller than she is, you can just go straight to hell. It really made me feel sorry for short guys, and I understand now the stink-eye I sometimes used to get when I was dating a five-footer.

  53. 53.

    Botsplainer

    @Wil:

    Yeah, better to bring a puppy.

    I’m fat and middle aged, and when I took my puppy to bars back in the summer, I could have so gotten laid by under 30s.

  55. 55.

    Anne Laurie

    @Aji: Try being a dyslexic OCD sufferer! (you should all thank the goddess for spellcheck & copyproofing)…

    @Cassidy:

    WTF happened to just going out and having a good time?

    … says the guy who’s been married long enough to have teenage kids!

  58. 58.

    Cassidy

    @Baud: Just out, by yourself, with friends, attach yourself to the wooh girls doing tequila shots. Something.

  60. 60.

    Another Holocene Human

    @Citizen_X:

    @Anoniminous:

    –make a stop at Rent-a-Baby

    Lolwut?

    Is that a section of the slave market?

    May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with Humans? I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant irritant.

  61. 61.

    Laertes

    @Cassidy:

    Don’t forget that the dating world for people in their late 30s and beyond is totally unlike that for 20-somethings. Behaviors that send one message when you’re 22 send a very different one when you’re 36.

  62. 62.

    Southern Beale

    Strangely, all of the people I know who have been successful with online dating are men. The women all say it’s your nightmare meat market. The men are all losers and all they want is to get laid.

    To any of you single folks out there, you have my sympathies. I maintain the best way to find someone is the old fashioned have your friends hook you up. Your friends know you much better than any internet site ever well.

  63. 63.

    Aji

    @Anne Laurie: Oh, yes, empathy here. When I can’t catch one of my transpositions in time to change it . . . oh, gawd, it makes me twitch. I cannot go back and look at it, or it’ll drive me insane.

  64. 64.

    Cassidy

    @Anne Laurie: Unless you’re about to tell me we’re living in the matrix, it still hasn’t changed. If you want to meet people, you must leave the house. If you want to meet someone with similar interests, then you must go and do the things you like to do and you will meet people who you have at Lear a thing or two in common with. Enlighten me. Has the internet changed it that much? No. I could go out this weekend and meet people I could have a good time with. That’s fucking easy. I’m not good looking. I’m an average looking asshole who can’t dance. The secret is there is no secret. Go out, have fun. Don’t worry about getting laid because that shits pretty obvious.

    @kdaug: I hate cleaning bathrooms.

  65. 65.

    Aji

    @Southern Beale: No, the BEST way to find The One is to be not merely not looking, but not wanting a relationship. I’ve always found that when I don’t want anyone in my life, that’s when Mr. Right has planted himself firmly in my path and refused to move. It’s the universe’s idea of trolling.

  66. 66.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Southern Beale:

    Strangely, all of the people I know who have been successful with online dating are men. The women all say it’s your nightmare meat market. The men are all losers and all they want is to get laid.

    It might well be that the guys who interact like humans stand out and have decent success rates. I haven’t done thole thing so I don’t know. Hell, most of my serious relationships started with some woman finding me vaguely charming and pursuing me.

  67. 67.

    Southern Beale

    Didn’t anyone see that move “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”? The profile to be sure-fire turnoff is, “wants marriage,” “loves to talk,” “hobbies: bible study, scrapbooking, relationship therapy, talking” etc.

  69. 69.

    JoyfulA

    @Southern Beale: I was just commenting on a blog, and so was he. Neither of were looking for anyone. We started commenting to each other, and then we took our conversation to email a couple of days later.

    It’s been more than ten years now.

  71. 71.

    Cassidy

    @Laertes: True, but going out to simply enjoy yourself is ageless. Maybe you meet someone. Maybe you meet a group. Maybe you watch a movie, have a nice dinner, and go home alone. If your goal is to have a nice night, you always win.

  72. 72.

    Aji

    @Southern Beale: A comma between those two words? Can I have your children? :-D

    ETA: I should point out that the question is rhetorical, since I think I am a bit past that ability, but still . . . .

  73. 73.

    raven

    @Omnes Omnibus: I was at a party where my now wife was in attendance. She got hammered (I was already sober) and I took her home, let her in her house, went home, picked her up in the morning and drove her back to her car. We’ve been married 14 years,

  74. 74.

    Southern Beale

    @Laertes:

    She stacked the deck not only by posting the smoking-hot profile photo, but by saying that she was available for “casual sex.”

    Trying to imagine the idiot who would respond to a dating site ad that says casual sex is an option. If I saw that I’d immediately assume call girl or something else illegal was afoot. Like, I’m gonna get mugged and my credit card stolen.

    Men are so stupid when they let the little head do the thinking. But ya know, we love you guys anyway.

  75. 75.

    Laertes

    @Cassidy:

    “If your goal is to have a nice night, you always win.”

    Sure. But she didn’t ask how her friend could have a nice night. She asked how her friend could meet someone. Yours is a perfectly good answer, but to a different question.

    And going out and having a nice time doesn’t work for everyone. After years of looking, I met Miss Right not long ago. We would never have met if we both weren’t making a conscious effort to find someone.

  76. 76.

    Cassidy

    @kdaug: I don’t think there is a general answer. Everyone has their own reasons. Being in a relationship, IMO, is honoring yourself with someone you deserve to be with. So what’s more important: deciding you’re worth being patient for or having some more background noise?

  78. 78.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Southern Beale:

    If I saw that I’d immediately assume call girl or something else illegal was afoot. Like, I’m gonna get mugged and my credit card stolen.

    Well, yeah. You just need to make sure you have someone else’s credit card on you when it happens.

  79. 79.

    Baud

    OT: Rachel’s got some alternative theories on the bridge closure — punishment for a spat regarding the NJ supreme court.

  81. 81.

    Laertes

    @Southern Beale:

    Or a guy might think “Wow, she’s pretty, and she’s got a really interesting smile. Kind of sounds crazy in text, but what’s the harm in meeting her for a drink to see what’s up? Worst-case, I waste a little time and get a drink thrown in my face by a pretty girl. There are worse ways to spend an evening.”

    I wouldn’t answer that ad. But I wouldn’t blame someone who did. I’ve known people who came off horrible in text and were perfectly charming people in person.

  86. 86.

    Baud

    @Southern Beale:

    The endorsement thing was weird, but one of the emails did talk about the “children of Buono supporters.” Maybe that was just a general dig on Democrats.

  88. 88.

    Southern Beale

    @Laertes:

    Or a guy might think “Wow, she’s pretty, and she’s got a really interesting smile. Kind of sounds crazy in text, but what’s the harm in meeting her for a drink to see what’s up?

    Okay, that guy is a moron. Sorry, but seriously. Maybe being a city girl I just have street smarts but that sends off big alarms to me.

  91. 91.

    Southern Beale

    @Baud:

    I took the “they’re children of Buono supporters” as a dig on Democrats, yes, but also a dig on those poors who send their kids to public schools (since it was about school buses stuck on the bridge.)

  94. 94.

    WereBear

    @Laertes: I’m tall, especially for people my age, and yet I mostly dated guys shorter than me.

    They had the big personalities and had to develop skills, instead of just standing around landing jets on their shoulders.

    At least, it worked that way for me.

    And yes, some men are pond scum, but so are some women. I ran across one who dated a guy with money but no sweat glands, and she took him to a tropical island for the honeymoon.

  96. 96.

    Wil

    @Botsplainer: My trick (after getting beat about the head enough) was to cook them a meal. The same meal each time, which I had perfected, though they didn’t know I made the same meal for every girl.

  97. 97.

    Laertes

    @Southern Beale:

    I think women probably have more to fear from potentially crazy strangers of the opposite sex than men do.

    But, at bottom, I do have to agree about something: The way we react to pretty is just crazy. It makes no damn sense, as far as I can figure. I can feel the awesome pull of that force at exactly the same time that I know it utterly irrational.

  100. 100.

    Cassidy

    @Laertes: I just think it’s funny. When we go out, you can always tell who’s trying to get laid, who’s trying to meet someone, and who’s just out to have fun. The last group is always the one that looks less stressed.

  102. 102.

    Yatsuno

    @raven: Yup. It’s unplugged right now. I’ve been trying to disable the laptop keyboard but it won’t turn off. If anything it’s getting worse. I might just have to call it dead and get a new laptop tomorrow. Fuck.

  107. 107.

    Southern Beale

    I met Mr. Beale after being thoroughly tired of being single and not being a bar/club person, and also being self-employed, which limited by interaction with people. I realized the “coral” approach — you know, rooted in one place and taking what comes along – wouldn’t work for me. I decided I needed to be more proactive. I told everyone I knew that I was looking for someone and did they know anyone for me? And some mutual friends fixed us up and two years later we got married. We’ve been married 13 years now.

    So that’s my advice to you kids out there.

    Okay I’m turning in. Sweet dreams!

  108. 108.

    Wil

    @mainmata:

    Exactly. She clearly doesn’t understand how some guys think whereas any number of guys can imagine what the low lifes would like.

    Why limit it to “low-lifes”?

  109. 109.

    raven

    @Baud:

    Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events as meaningfully related, whereas they are unlikely to be causally related. The subject sees it as a meaningful coincidence, although the events need not be exactly simultaneous in time. The concept of synchronicity was first described by Carl Gustav Jung, a Swiss psychologist, in the 1920s

  117. 117.

    PhoenixRising

    Thanks to all of you who were willing to be my interpreters! I’ll pass on these ideas. We live in the tail end of nowhere, so all the obvious ‘go out and…’ suggestions are difficult.

  118. 118.

    WereBear

    @Laertes: The way we react to pretty is just crazy.

    Especially since it changes.

    Houdini’s wife was slender and petite; entirely at odds with the big and buxom standard of her day. So she couldn’t get work as a headliner, and worked as a magician’s assistant.

  119. 119.

    gene108

    (My wonderful friend Rae agreed to let me use some of her Facebook photos for this profile. In addition to being a journalist, mother, and all-around A+ person, she’s also a model. Only that last bit is relevant here, I guess.)
    The Messages

    I figured any profile with photos of a beautiful woman would get a few messages from men whose boners were willing to overlook her personality. The captions on her photos were just as draped in red flags as her profile was, so there’s no way they were totally clueless as to how awful she is, but sure, I figured, maybe she’d get a couple of messages a day from people with especially low reading comprehension.

    Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-i-learned-from-worst-online-dating-profile-ever/#ixzz2pxWFlh90

    How fucking stupid is this Cracked.com writer? She has to be the dumbest fucking person on Earth. She makes Sarah Palin look the a combination of Shakespeare, Einstein and Ben Franklin.

    Jesus fucking Christ she’s stupid.

    Post a picture of a hot chick and you really think men give a damn about her personality?

    If I had to listen to Aaron Carter (whoever that is, though I assume a teeny-bopper or more appropriator these days tweeny-bopper heart throb) to tap that ass, it’s a small sacrifice.

    Unless she says she raises dogs for their meat and loves to ritually sacrifice puppies to Baal the Storm God, the chances of someone that hot turning off significant numbers of men are not likely and even with the dog meat and puppy sacrifices, she’ll probably get a few guys who’d do it just to score with a hottie.

  120. 120.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Cassidy: Well, no shit. The being out in group thing has actually worked well for me. As I said above, most of my serious relationships (and a lot of casual ones) have developed from the woman decided she was interested in me and pursuing me. As this was happening, I was simply having a good time with a bunch of people. OTOH, I don’t know that it would work well for everyone. People are going to be at their most attractive wherever they are most comfortable (generally speaking). So groups/bars/clubs/sporting events/etc., just aren’t it for everyone.

  121. 121.

    WereBear

    There’s also the old reliable “common interests.” To meet a progressive, work a campaign. To meet an animal lover, volunteer at an animal shelter. Etc.

    Mr WereBear and I met in a class for cultural anthropology.

  123. 123.

    gene108

    Criminies, I’m in moderation.

    Just read the article. Short version of moderated comment.

    I think the author of the Cracked.com piece is dumb. She used a photo of a friend of hers, who also models under the assumption guys care about personalities when having the chance to score with a hot chick.

    I think at some level guys probably expect really hot chicks to be narcissistic and b*tchy, because with great looks a girl can be more demanding and guys will still fall over themselves to accommodate.

  124. 124.

    gwangung

    All I know is what ever method I pick is going to be the wrong one for me to use—at that time. Never fails to happen.

  126. 126.

    raven

    In A Brief History of Everything by Ken Wilber the author posits:

    It appears that testosterone basically has two, and only two, major drives: fuck it or kill it.
    Oxytocin, a hormone that tends to flood the female even if her skin is simply stroked.
    “The relationship drug” – it induces incredibly strong feelings of attachment, relationship, nurturing, holding, touching.
    Testosterone and oxytocin have their roots in biological evolution, the former for reproduction and survival and the latter for mothering.

  128. 128.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @raven:

    Oxytocin…induces incredibly strong feelings of attachment, relationship, nurturing, holding, touching.

    Funny because if you just rearrange the last four letters it seems to induce ignorance, xenophobia, sexism, belligerence, racism, and an urge to go on the radio loudly displaying all those traits.

  133. 133.

    Laertes

    Unrelated, but certain elements of this thread have made me think of this. Funny thing about extroverts: They think that the solution to any introvert’s problem is to stop being an introvert.

  144. 144.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @srv:

    I offered a bounty and everyone set me up with Teh Crazy. Can meet crazies anytime.

    Do you think this might indicate something?

  147. 147.

    Gex

    I always knew I had it good when I was with Kate. Watched so many of my lady friends deal with the whole dating thing and it’s horrifying.

    Now that Kate’s gone, I recall all I’ve seen them go through and I’m ready to quit looking before I’ll even be ready to start looking. On the plus side, it might not be as bad using online sites if you are looking for women instead of men.

    ETA: Goddamn, this month sucks. I don’t know how this month can feel so bad or how it can actually get worse each day. And I know it won’t magically be all better once the anniversary of Kate’s death passes, but still…I can’t wait for February.

  149. 149.

    Pogonip

    I am also old. Pondered entering the contest to win a date with George Clooney, and then I thought, “No, he’s a jet-set type, he’d want to stay up too late.”. Sorry, George.

  151. 151.

    Looking for a Canadian (fka wini)

    Online is fine, it serves a purpose, but the drawbacks that I’ve seen (and have been guilty of) are more along the lines of a willingness to fairly quickly drop people because there may be a bunch more either waiting in the wings or coming along shortly (the whole “grass is greener” thing, I guess. edit to add: I think the whole process of online dating feeds this. It creates a bit of a throwaway mentality that can be hard to shake, even for otherwise good people.)

    Going out to meet people is ideal, I’m a very social person, but in certain places (as others have noted above) it’s more difficult than others– including the passive aggressive and quite cliquey Minneapolis. Also, being in your late 30s doesn’t help when both singletons and marrieds with free time are hard to find.

    Why yes, I speak from a whole crapload of experience.

  152. 152.

    PsiFighter37

    The quality of human interaction and relationships will probably continue to go down the toilet the more this becomes ‘normal’. Shit, when did getting all nervous about if you had the balls to go and simply talk to a woman face to face become abnormal?

    And yes, men on OKCupid will pretty much message anything that looks like it has a heartbeat. I wonder what the successful ‘hit rate’, if you will, is on that site.

  153. 153.

    diana

    haven’t read all the comments but her competition is not relationship-oriented women but escort services. Men have historically paid for sex with young, slender, abused and abusive women. The fact that they can now book tricks for free via the Internet does not change this dynamic.

  154. 154.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @srv:

    Or you can try your luck at OKcupid with John.

    No, thanks. FWIW if you are in the right type of bar, you can find lots of crazies.

  155. 155.

    Karen in GA

    @Gex: That just sucks.

    I don’t have any help or advice to offer — can’t think where I’d even start to try. But it just sucks and I’m sorry you’re mired in it.

  158. 158.

    BGK

    If anyone needs advice on how to turn trying to meet women into a process of almost physically painful self-loathing, I am your goddamned subject matter expert.

    Also too, I’ve made getting stuck on women already in relationships into a true art form.

  160. 160.

    Laertes

    @Gex:

    Hey, I know I’m nothing and nobody to you, but I’m here reading and witnessing, and sending well wishes, though they’re not worth a damn.

    Hang in there, brother.

  161. 161.

    BGK

    @PsiFighter37:

    Shit, when did getting all nervous about if you had the balls to go and simply talk to a woman face to face become abnormal?

    4 A.D., as nearly as I can reckon it.

    I might be over-personalizing that a little.

  162. 162.

    Gex

    @Karen in GA: @Laertes:

    Thanks. I’ve actually gotten a lot of relief posting here now and again. Kind posts like yours help a little.

    ETA: Laertes – I quite appreciated your comment on introverts.

  163. 163.

    danielx

    @srv:

    Actually, the predominant idea among the female employees of a place I used to work was that men are pigs (Duroc, myself). Was quite some time ago – they still permitted smoking in a break room in the office building, so you know it was at least fifteen years ago. But several times I walked in during an all-female review of some disastrous date or something and heard that phrase: “men are just…pigs”. It was interesting to hear the commentary, and I learned a lot from it. Among other things, I learned that women (at least these women) are cruder than men, and I’ve listened to some nasty mofos. If (some) men are insecure, shall we say, about what FSM gave ’em, there’s at least some reason for it. But yeah, dating is hard, and the older you are the harder it gets. Just have to remember that if you don’t have – er, hit, hit! – it off with someone it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, just that you and the other person aren’t right for each other. Easy to say, and yes, there were times I just felt like crawling down the neck of a Cuervo bottle after a bad experience, or going through a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for that matter.

    Particularly if you’ve got kids…a good friend was in his early forties after his divorce; attorney, decent looks, money, all the charm in the world. Met and dated some very nice women, but when they found he spent a large portion of his time attending his daughter’s swimming meets and worse, watching his son play hockey in freezing arenas, the reaction was, nope, I’ve done all that, this is my time now. Oddly enough he ended up marrying a woman that he and I both dated in high school, bless their hearts. I was divorced for three years and dated some nice women, including some I met online. I ended up remarrying my ex, mostly because we understood what it’s like to raise and be responsible for a special needs child and the complete commitment it takes, which most people (like 99%) don’t. She and I didn’t hate each other, which helped…

    Also, too, the triumph of hope over experience.

    @Wil:

    This. If I had one piece of advice to give to males in the dating world, it would be to learn to cook, and don’t forget how if and when you get married. Sharing a bottle of wine while fixing a decent dinner is an excellent intro to a nice evening.

  164. 164.

    Violet

    @PhoenixRising: Late to the thread, but my advice would be for your friend to be happy with herself. Do the things she likes to do. Find something she has wanted to do but couldn’t because the BF didn’t want to or whatever–and go do it. Take a dance class or a painting class or train with a group for the marathon or toastmasters or something. Challenge herself. Be happy with herself. Someone who is happy with herself is appealing.

  166. 166.

    danielx

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    That’s the nice thing about having a regular watering hole and being on good terms with the bartenders – they’ll warn you on the down low if you’re conversing with Lady Macbeth.

  167. 167.

    Corner Stone

    @danielx:

    Met and dated some very nice women, but when they found he spent a large portion of his time attending his daughter’s swimming meets and worse, watching his son play hockey in freezing arenas, the reaction was, nope, I’ve done all that, this is my time now

    People here can say what they like, but when I tell women I am a single dad with custody of my son their eyes glaze over. No matter how much fun talk and flirty business we were enjoying, that’s it. We’re done here.
    And that’s almost universal across ages, from early 30’s to 40’ish. The switch gets flipped a bunch of times.

  170. 170.

    Violet

    @Karen in GA: That’s in the southern part of the state. John lives in the northern part of the state. He’s probably not affected. Sucks for everyone who is, though.

  171. 171.

    Corner Stone

    People who say they can just be relaxed and go up to strange women and talk all natural to them. That’s bullshit. I know two guys who can do that. And both of them are poonhounds.
    Almost all normal guys do not approach woman after woman in a venue.
    One of those guys just flat said one time when I asked him, “Hey, 99 can say no. I just need one.”
    Most guys can’t/won’t/don’t do that.

  173. 173.

    Violet

    @Gex: Sorry things are tough. This month won’t be easy, but it will pass and things will get easier over time. Hang in there.

  174. 174.

    Corner Stone

    After I was divorced I went on a cruise with my friend who can go up to anybody and just start talking. That dude is built ok (good fitness) but not overly handsome.
    He got in good the first afternoon with a group of Southwest Airlines stewardesses and we had a great freakin cruise.

  176. 176.

    danielx

    @Corner Stone:

    This is true. I know/knew a guy – roommate – back in the day; his technique in bars was was a few minutes of conversation, then “hey, you know, i got needs, you have needs, whaddya say we get outta here…”etc. It worked for him one time in ten, but that was the point – it worked for him. But that was him, he would have screwed a snake if he could get it to hold still long enough. All before HIV raised its ugly head, of course.

    But if you’re “normal” it isn’t easy to just walk up and start conversing, and if you’re drinking you end up sounding like a complete ass, mostly. Reverse beer googles, etc etc.

  177. 177.

    Corner Stone

    @danielx: My best friend, someone I’ve known since I was 5, who is a very good looking guy. Played pro baseball and is a righteous specimen. He would not and could not go up to women and start small talking them. For probably a bunch of reasons.
    But when a woman hit on him, and they always, always, did. He’d sometimes just say something really crazy to them. And it would work a big percentage of the time. He probably could’ve said something in Klingon and it would have got him laid some chunk of the time.

  178. 178.

    gelfling545

    Oddly enough my sister just married, after dating 4 years, a wonderful man she met online. Another friend is in a relationship or a few years duration with a man she met online as well. Now, to me this seemed like a recipe for disaster but I think the 2 things the relationships have in common made a difference. First all parties were in the late 40-early 50 age range and wanting to meet persons of about the same age. Second, they used a local site rather than one of the big well known ones. It still strikes me as mad, but apparently it can be made to work within certain limited circumstances.

  180. 180.

    Corner Stone

    The only friend I know who married from an online dating meeting is a fucking wingnut and his wife will not actually say anything out loud until she is drunk off her ass. And when she does say something, she is the most hateful and hideous rwnj troll ever. I mean she could bite you and you’d die of hate poison in a few minutes.
    Every time she says something I look at her hands first just to make sure she’s not holding a knife.

  182. 182.

    srv

    @danielx: So true. I’ve actually had two bounced out of my bar in 2013. The older crowd was like “WTF, you had a free lay.” Bartender just fist bumped me and said “I got your back.”

    Maybe I should just marry a bartender.

  183. 183.

    Corner Stone

    @Laertes: What’s funny is that even their mutual wingnutty isn’t enough, as they drunkenly fight tooth and nail all the time. They’re both hideous people and I only talk to him on the phone about 3 times a year any more.
    I can’t be around her and he keeps getting more inhuman every time we speak.

  186. 186.

    danielx

    @srv:

    That brings a whole ‘nother set of problems. Date a bartender, sure, they can be fun people, but I’d think really hard – twice and three times – before marrying one. Unless they want to quit bartending and do something else. If you’re dating someone in the bar/restaurant business, you’re usually dating the bar/restaurant lifestyle and schedule too, which can make you old in a hurry.

  187. 187.

    srv

    @Corner Stone: I could never figure out WTF women wanted in HS (balding, plump 17 yr old BFF was sleeping with college profs, jocks were in awe of him), but college bro was pretty obvious – girls would stop and stare at him as we walked across campus. He was oblivious.

    More than once, walking solo, would get propositioned with “I’ll do you a… favor if you set me up with your pal.”

    Momma’s boy, shy to a fault, set him up with a nice farm girl fom Kansas. One of the few marriages still going.

  188. 188.

    Corner Stone

    @srv: My friend was engaged for a while. Until he slept with her best friend…multiple times.
    That was what got me laughing. Her best friend slept with him several times until the guilt overcame her and she had to confess.
    I’m like, “Man, you knew she was going to tell, right? That was the whole reason she fucked you in the first place. So she could tell her best friend about it later!”

  189. 189.

    GHayduke (formerly lojasmo)

    Ben Franklin and Corner Stone are so there for the “sexual tension.”

  191. 191.

    Corner Stone

    And by the way, your sick fetish fantasy with me is more than a little troubling.
    I’m not going to MN to have sweaty, dirty, all out sex with you. No matter what kind of brats and/or smoked meats you offer.
    Sorry.

  193. 193.

    Applejinx

    I’m jinxtiger on okCupid. It’s been mostly a big fail, but I have broken the monotony of endless datelessness a couple times. My trouble is that I’m a ‘Houdini’s wife’ type: want the combination of petite, feisty, smart, progressive, possibly artist or writer or something of that nature. What I get is obese passive women wishing for me to be dominant, and probably a fair number of women sitting back and expecting me to take all the initiative because it’s societal.

    Not gonna happen. Too feminist-influenced to ever be comfortable as the pursuer, so it’s a pretty rare thing for me even to send one message to someone on OKC, no matter how much I like ’em from their profile/answers.

    Despising PUAs and poonhounds has ruined me as a man, apparently. I can’t be too troubled by this because that whole social thing I fail so epically within, is also ‘rape culture’ and I rebel against it. SO yeah, not seeing a lot of action, even though I’m pretty good especially when I feel valued.

  194. 194.

    Paul in KY

    The picture was of a reasonably attractive person. Many of these guys don’t even read the text.

  196. 196.

    Corner Stone

    @Paul in KY: No, it was more fundamentally an image issue. If he had initiated something with a woman and she had dismissed him, he would have lost face in front of his homeboys. And that was something he could not ever stomach.
    He’s a damn good looking guy, well built, and a good overall person and personality. But he has protected his image, and his image of himself essentially since I have known him.
    It’s hard for most of us to face defeat in something so personal as a rejection of what we’re offering another human being.
    I don’t think any thing bad at all about him not casually hitting up a strange woman. Myself, and most guys I grew up with were very similarly reticent back then. As I said, only the abnormally sex driven poonhounds seemed able to not give a damn, and just mercilessly hunted down strange at every opportunity. I mean, we were all horny and shit, but those few were demented in their obsession to score.

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