I know we’ve only seen a quarter of it, but I hate 2014 so very much. I’d like to wrench it out of the historical record uncompleted, hack it to bits and weld 2013 directly to 2015.
I’ve been operating on too little sleep lately, which makes me not only tired but stupid! This morning, I woke up before dawn on the sofa where I’d nodded off at 4 AM. MSNBC was broadcasting footage of President Obama’s audience with the Pope.
The video showed Mr. Obama walking through the Vatican to the Pope’s office. MSNBC had a fancy logo for the event that read: PAPAL AUDIENCE. At first, I read it as “PayPal Audience,” and I dimly wondered how the opulent palace and Swiss Guards played in Palo Alto. See? Stupid.
And now I have a fucking toothache to complete my misery. Seriously, fuck you, 2014.
So, heard any good jokes lately? Please feel free to discuss whatever.
raven
Find the Pope in the Pizza
Father Guido Sarducci,
Cervantes
Have I heard any good jokes lately? Well, I read Nate Silver’s latest as a joke — hilariously tongue-in-cheek, I thought — but not many others seem to be taking it that way.
maximiliano furtive, formerly known as dr. bloor
Needs moar puppehs.
Joey Maloney
“My girlfriend’s father very rudely called me a pedophile at a party last week. So what if I’m 31 and she’s only 21?
“It totally ruined our tenth anniversary.”
Amir Khalid
Manchester United. They’re a joke under David Moyes.
/gloating Liverpool fan
I got another knee-slapper for y’all: as sure as God made little green apples, some Hollywood producer is already thinking hard about making MH370: The Movie.
Hill Dweller
Chuck Todd is a journalist.
JPL
@maximiliano furtive, formerly known as dr. bloor: Duchess, my first golden had eleven pups and the hose is to wash your feet after romping in the yard with the pups. How cute and thanks for the link.
raven
On the men’s room wall above the urinal “What are you looking here for, the joke is in your hand”! A wacu wuca!
And on the condom machine “this gum tastes like shit”!
Cervantes
I am the real Cervantes, not the impostor at 2.
¿Cuál es el santo mas humilde?
¡San Itario!
icedfire
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first goes up to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O please.” The second chemist goes up and says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O as well.”
The first chemist sighs, disappointed that his assassination attempt has just failed.
Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader
@Joey Maloney: My girlfriend once told me she thought I was a pedophile. Shocked, I just stared at her for a while before I said, “That’s a pretty big word for a 10 year old.”
amk
‘murkan media?
Dcrefugee
So…there’s this fortune teller who happened to be a “little person,” or “person of short stature.” One day, he was arrested and charged with a crime. But then he escaped.
Police say there is a small medium at large.
maximiliano furtive, formerly known as dr. bloor
@JPL: I liked the part where mom abruptly decides dinner time is over and ends up dragging three or four of the little ones behind her when she walks away.
Amir Khalid
“Mommy, why am I walking in circles?”
“Shaddap, or I’ll nail down your other foot.”
Rosalita
I’m with you about 2014. A serious pain in the ass so far. Let it end.
PurpleGirl
BC: Sorry, no jokes. {Hugs on the toothache.}
In January 2002 I had to watch what dates my boss put on letters. She didn’t keep using 2001, she was going back to 2000. She wanted to wipe out the whole year.
I once saw a sports car the color of egg yolks. The license plate was “No jolks.”
elmo
@icedfire: Dammit. Usually I get all the nerd jokes, but this one escapes me. Plz to splain?
Cervantes
Not a joke, really, but it may help you feel better about 2014:
By Nicholas Tufnell at Wired (UK).
Betty Cracker
@elmo: H2O2 (H2O too) would kill him?
elmo
this one goes down better with my thick fake Irish accent, but here goes:
Father Flanagan has lived in the parish house with his housekeeper Mary for many years. One day, Mary rushes in to see him, all aflutter.
“Father! Father, oh Father! My washing machine! Father, my washing machine is broken!”
“Mary,” he says, “It’s not your washing machine. It’s not my washing machine. It’s ours. The people of the parish gave it to us – it’s ours.”
“All right, Father,” she says, and out she goes.
A week or so later, back comes Mary, fluttering again.
“Father! Father, oh Father! My dishwasher! My dishwasher, it’s broken!”
“Mary,” says he, sternly this time, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times. It’s ours. The people of the parish didn’t give it to you or me, they gave it to us – so it’s ours. Now, I don’t want to have to tell you this again.”
“All right, Father, I’m sorry, I won’t forget. But it’s broken!” and out she goes.
Two weeks later, Father Flanagan is entertaining the bishop in the parlor. All is perfection – the tea is set just so, the biscuits are crisp and sweet, and everything is going very well.
In comes Mary.
“Father!” she cries. “Father, oh Father! A mouse! A mouse just ran under OUR BED!”
gene108
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
elmo
@Betty Cracker:
OH! Oh bravo, bravo, thank you! Damn!
icedfire
@Betty Cracker: Got it in one. I often tell the same joke with a chemist and a physicist, with a predictably different outcome.
No, there was no rivalry with the physics majors in college, I swear…
Yatsuno
No jokes. Just remember: Barack Obama is still President and the next President will also most likely be a Democrat. So we got that at least.
@icedfire: My brother is a chemist. It still sailed over my head.
OzarkHillbilly
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in front of the door? Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the water? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves? Russell.
What do You call 2 guys hanging by a window? Curt and Rod.
OzarkHillbilly
What’s black, white, red all over and can’t walk through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
icedfire
@OzarkHillbilly: What do you call a woman with one leg and one arm? Eileen
Where does she work? IHOP
Chris
Papa Yakavetta: “Funny man! I am having a shitty day. I’m depressed. Tell me a funny joke.”
OzarkHillbilly
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
gene108
@Betty Cracker: @elmo:
The original joke:
Two people walk into a bar. The first person tells the bartender he’ll have a glass of H20 and leaves. The second person tells the bartender he’ll have a glass of H20 too and dies.
H202 = hydrogen peroxide
Amir Khalid
@Betty Cracker:
Oh yes. Quoth Wikipedia:
OzarkHillbilly
@icedfire: What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
Trabb's Boy
A guy rushes into his doctor’s office late one evening and says “Doc, you gotta help me, I think I’m a moth”.
The doctor says “Well I’d love to help but I’m a GP, you should really see a psychiatrist.”
Guy says “Yeah, I know but I was driving by and I saw your light was on.”
MattF
My BIL’s fave:
Duck walks into a pharmacy.
Says to the pharmacist, “May I have a box of condoms?”
Pharmacist says, “Should I put that on your bill?”
Duck says, “What kind of a duck do you think I am?”
Feudalism Now!
The girl lying on the beach- Sandy
Same girl at high tide – Sandy Duncan
Guy hanging on the wall – Art
Same guy in a pot – Stew
Yes. I work in an Elementary School, why do you ask?
OzarkHillbilly
What do you call a cow with 2 legs shorter than the other? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
MattF
Help– I’m in moderation for use of a bad word.
Belafon
@Yatsuno: My oldest wants to be a biochemist, so we got him a t-shirt with the original joke ( “I’ll have H2O too” ) on it.
chopper
What does Dracula do when he goes to the circus?
He goes straight for the juggler.
Amir Khalid
@OzarkHillbilly:
What do you call a guy with a shovel embedded in his forehead?
Doug.
What do you call a guy with no shovel embedded in his forehead?
Douglas.
OzarkHillbilly
@Feudalism Now!:
Naw, that’s a leper in a hot tub.
Speaking of which, did you hear about the hockey game between 2 leper colonies? They had a face off in the corner.
Bill E Pilgrim
I went to a class reunion thinking I might enjoy it, but they all got so old they didn’t recognize me.
RaflW
Here’s a big ol’ joke, via NoiseMax to our right over in that box.
Uh huh. “Cleared.” I’m sure the U.S. Attorney’s office will read the bought and paid for report and say “Whoops! Drop the charges, we’ve got all the answers we need.”
Are there really that many rubes in the world? (Rhetorical question, I can’t handle the truth)
ETA: Apologies if everyone wanted to keep this on a legit joke thread. Altho some of those jokes above? Oy vey.
JPL
This blog needs Red Kitten (aka Krista).
different-church-lady
Can we burn the bits, and then stomp on them, and then blast them into space?
And skip 2015 and 2016 too?
GregB
A priest stands up in front of his congregation and says that he needs to address a rumor he has heard. He said there is a story going around that there is a ghost haunting the town and that the ghost is rumored to have visited one of the town residents in their bedroom and that the ghost had sex with said resident.
The priest said: If there is anyone here who has had sex with a ghost, please raise your hand.
In the back of the room a man slowly raises his hand.
The priest says: John O’Malley you have had sex with a ghost?
John O’malley lowers his hand and says: I thought you said goat.
hoodie
@OzarkHillbilly: What’s soft and fluffy and goes “clink” when it hit a wall? A puppy with forks in its eyes.
Soylent Green
The doctor comes and says “I have good news and bad news.”
“Give me the bad news first.”
“During your surgery, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg.”
“That’s terrible! What could the good news be?”
“Your bad leg is getting better.”
randomworker
Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”
Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”
EriktheRed
Betty, you should have yourself put into an induced coma for September thru the rest of the year if you think 2014 is bad now.
Chyron HR
I was making out with my girlfriend when my phone rang. I answered it, and the guy on the other end yelled, “KEEP YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER!” and hung up. Afterward she asked me who it was, and I told her, but she just laughed and said, “Oh, MY father doesn’t have any daughters.”
WereBear
Doctor comes in, tells the couple, “I’m sorry, there’s something wrong with your baby. It has no legs.”
“Oh my god, what could be worse?”
“Well, it doesn’t have any arms, either.”
“Oh my god, what could be worse?”
“I guess we’ll have to show you. Nurse!”
Nurse rolls in a incubator which has only one huge eye in it.
“Oh my god, what could be worse?”
“I’m sorry to tell you your baby is blind.”
different-church-lady
@raven: The only funny thing that happened in season 5.
the Conster
What’s small and white and crawls up your leg?
Uncle Ben’s perverted rice.
What’s green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
If you feed them in [[real…… slooooooww……]]
different-church-lady
@Hill Dweller: Jesus, that’s not funny.
Higgs Boson's Mate
A guy is jogging along the beach. He encounters a young woman who has pushed her wheelchair as far as she could onto the sand and is now laying beside it, crying her heart out.
He stops. “Can I help you?”
“No one can help me,” she sobs. “I’m paralyzed from the waist down and no man even gives me a second look. I’ve never even been hugged by a man except my dad.”
The guy gives her a big hug. She starts crying again.
“I’m sorry. Did I do the wrong thing?”
“No. That was wonderful. It’s just that it reminded that I’ve never been kissed on the lips by a man.”
So he kisses her. She resumes crying.
“What is it?” he asks.
“Well, that kiss released all of my pent up feelings. It made me realize that I’ve never, I’ve never…”
“You’ve never what?” he asks, now slightly exasperated.
“Oh, I’ve never been, you know, fucked,” she finally answers.
He picks her up, carries her down to the sea and wades out with her in his arms until he has to start swimming. He swims out with her in his arms as far as he can and he lets her go.
“Now you’re fucked.”
OzarkHillbilly
There once was a lion in Africa who had a terrible problem with birds nesting in his mane. He tried everything to get rid of them: Pawing at them, rolling in wildebeest dung, swimming with hippos for long periods of time, NOTHING WORKED!
So he went to see the Witch Doctor.
“Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep these flippin’ birds from nesting in my mane! Please help me!”
The Witch Doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then went to the back of his hut. When he returned he held out to the lion a small bag of white powder and said, “Twice a day for the next week, I want you to dust your mane with this powder and that should take care of your problem.”
So the lion did as he was told. At the end of the week, the birds were gone. A week later and they had not returned. The Lion was thunderstruck with gratefulness. He went to the Witch Doctor and said, “Doc, That worked!! You must be the greatest Witch Doctor in all of Africa! But I must ask, what was that powder you gave me?”
The witch Doctor replied, “Yeast.”
The Lion said, “Yeast?!?!? Why does that work?”
“Very simple,” said the Witch Doctor, “Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.”
WereBear
A guy walks into a bar. “I don’t have any money, but I can entertain for drinks.”
Bartender asks for an audition. Guy reaches into one pocket and pulls out a miniature piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a man in a tuxedo, about a foot tall. The little man sits at the piano and plays beautifully.
The bartender sets up a glass of his finest scotch. “My gosh, where did you get such a thing?”
“Well, I was walking down this beach and found this old bottle, and when I cleaned it off, this genie came out?”
“Three wishes?”
“No, he was semi-retired and could only give one. So I thought long and hard and made my wish.”
The bartender is amazed. “You asked for this?”
“No, he was hard of hearing, too. I didn’t ask for a twelve inch pianist!”
Mike E
@OzarkHillbilly: Dobies were bred originally to protect tax men!
If you laid all the electricians end to end, how would you complete the circuit?
Betty Cracker
A penguin was driving down the road, and suddenly his car broke down. He coasted into a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look.
“I have to finish up this other job first,” the mechanic said. “There’s an ice cream shop across the street. Why don’t you go have some ice cream and then come back when you’re done, and I’ll let you know what I find.”
The penguin happily agreed. He waddled over to the shop and ordered a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. He dove right in and finished it all up. Then he waddled back across the street to the service station, where the mechanic was just emerging from under the hood of the penguin’s car.
“Looks like you blew a seal,” the mechanic said.
“Oh no!” cried the penguin, rubbing his flippers on his face. “That’s just vanilla ice cream!”
SiubhanDuinne
@Bill E Pilgrim:
I was invited to my kindergarten reunion but I’m not going. I’ve gained 150 pounds since then.
JCJ
Two atoms were walking down the street. One of them bumped in to something and exclaimed, “Oh my! I just lost an electron!”
The second atom asked, “Are you sure?”
The first atom replied, “I’m positive!”
Two antennas got married. Everyone who went said the ceremony was pretty dull but the reception was wonderful.
Two muffins were in an oven. One of them said, “It sure is hot in here!”
The other muffin exclaimed, “Oh my god! A talking muffin!”
Higgs Boson's Mate
A dog hobbles into a saloon in the old west.
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw,” he announces.
Higgs Boson's Mate
A dog hobbles into a saloon in the old west.
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw,” he announces.
Higgs Boson's Mate
A dog hobbles into a saloon in the old west.
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw,” he announces.
Soylent Green
The doctor calls and says “I have good news and bad news.”
“Give me the good news first.”
“Your tests are back and they show conclusively that you have only 24 hours to live.”
“That’s the good news? What could the bad news be?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Soylent Green
The doctor calls and says “I have good news and bad news.”
“Give me the good news first.”
“Your tests are back and they show conclusively that you have only 24 hours to live.”
“That’s the good news? What could the bad news be?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Soylent Green
The doctor calls and says “I have good news and bad news.”
“Give me the good news first.”
“Your tests are back and they show conclusively that you have only 24 hours to live.”
“That’s the good news? What could the bad news be?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Higgs Boson's Mate
I hit a perfect trifecta.
chopper
so then the one thunder god says to the other, “you’re Thor? I can hardly pith!”
J.
Did you hear the one about the Conservative Republican hog farmer who promises to cut pork in the Senate? (Though castrating a few Congressmen might be more effective.)
different-church-lady
@MattF:
Hell, half of these people should be in moderation for use of bad jokes.
Cambridge Chuck
One of my old-timey favorites, not quite suitable for work, from much missed Neddie Jingo in 2006:
Higgs Boson's Mate
@different-church-lady:
Hey! I resemble that.
OzarkHillbilly
Johnny and Mark, good Catholic boys that they are, go to confession. Johnny goes first.
“Forgive my Father for I have sinned, it has been 2 weeks since my last confession.”
“Bless you my child, do you have any sins to confess?”
“Yes Father. I had sex with one of the married ladies of the church.”
“My Goodness!” said the priest,”Who was it?”
“I can not say Father, I am sworn to secrecy.”
“Was it Mrs O’Malley?”
“No Father.”
“Mrs O’Connell?”
“No Father.”
“Mrs. McMurtry?”
“No Father, I really can not say.”
“Very well my son. Say 2 Our Fathers, and 2 Hail Mary’s.”
Johnny goes back to the pew with Mark who asks, “What’d you get?”
“2 Our Fathers, 2 Hail Mary’s and 3 good leads.”
Dcrefugee
Okay…another lion joke:
So…there’s this mad scientist who’s trying to find the secret to immortality, using porpoises as his lab animals. One day, he makes a breakthough using an extract made from the glands of mynah birds. But he runs out of the extract.
He goes to a pet store and buys two mynah birds. Returning to his lab, he finds a lion asleep in front of the door. Stepping across the lion, he opens the door and walks inside, carrying the birds. Whereupon he is immediately arrested.
The charge? Transporting mynahs across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
Joey Maloney
@gene108: What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@WereBear: Entertaining for drinks.
Bill E Pilgrim
@SiubhanDuinne: I’m stealing that. Too.
Bill E Pilgrim
A nun enters a convent with a vow of silence and is told that she can speak two words after one year, two words after the next three years, and two words after another five years.
The first year she’s called in and tells the Mother superior “Hard bed”.
The Mother Superior says “Oh, well I’ll see if we can do anything about that” and dismisses her.
After three years, the nun says “Bad food”.
The Mother says “Really? Okay we’ll try to improve it a little.”
Five years later, the nun’s two words are “I quit”.
“Well it’s just as well,” the Mother Superior says, “ever since you got here you’ve done nothing but complain”.
WereBear
Guy gets a flat tire. He pulls over and starts changing it, a little bothered by the fact that he’s near the insane asylum; and there’s a man staring at him through the fence. But the man doesn’t say anything so the guy is almost done… and he steps on the edge of the hubcap where he’d put the lug nuts. The lug nuts are flung into the thick underbrush, and he searches without finding any of them.
The man at the fence says, “Why don’t you take off one lug nut from each of the other wheels and fasten the tire with that? It will get you to a gas station.”
“That’s a great idea!” the guy says.
“I’m crazy,” the man at the fence says. “But I’m not stupid.”
BGK
The world’s worst joke, or so I’ve been told:
I took a vacation to China and took a sightseeing cruise on the Yangtze River. The boat rounded a bend, and I saw an enormous building right by the water’s edge. It had a great many red and gold flags, signs, and banners which, being in Chinese, I couldn’t read. Crowds of people streamed in and out, and as we got closer I could hear cheering coming from inside.
I sought out the English-speaking guide and asked what this mystery building was. He pointed and said, “it’s Yangtze Stadium.”
Mike E
@OzarkHillbilly: If the Foo shits, wear it.
@Joey Maloney: what do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
The Pale Scot
OK, TBOGG explains the “The Orly Taitz Rationale.”
How not accepting a medical fact is a religious belief.
Brilliant!
OzarkHillbilly
There once was an African Cheiftain who had the most glorious throne in all of Africa. Carved from the rarest ebony and gilded with the purest gold, it was covered in the finest furs from leapards to cheetahs to giraffes to zebras and encrusted with the most flawless diamonds, rubies, emeralds and sapphires. People would come from miles around just to gaze upon it’s magnificence.
One day, the Chieftain heard of an expedition of white men raiding across the continent stealing all the fine valuables they could. The chieftain knew they would hear of his throne and with their guns they would try to steal it. So he hid it in the rafters of his grass hut and replaced it with a rickety old stool made of bamboo and covered it with a ratty old hippo skin.
Sure enough, the white men came to see him. When they entered the hut he sat on the stool, so they asked him, “Oh Great Chief, we have heard of your wonderful throne and wonder if we might gaze upon it’s magnificence?”
The Chief replied, “Throne? What throne? I have only this humble stool.”
No sooner had he uttered these words when the throne came crashing down out of the rafters, landed on the Chief and crushed him to death. The white men took the throne, went back to London and sold it, then lived the rest of their lives as Kings.
The Moral of the Story?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Mnemosyne
I had to get two root canals within six months of each other: one right after my father-in-law died, and one right after my father died. So I feel your pain quite literally.
(Someone here said I was probably unconsciously clenching my teeth due to the stress, and you’ve probably got the same thing going on.)
shelly
Betty, not to pry, but what are you doing on the couch at 4AM?
OzarkHillbilly
@Mike E: Ahh yes, the infamous Foo Bird.
Cervantes
@shelly: That is prying,
OzarkHillbilly
Oh, wait a minute, Betty, you were asking if I had heard any GOOD jokes…. Well, no, now that you mention it.
MattF
@Mnemosyne: I can tell you that after your first three or four root canals, they get kind of routine. Also, find a good endodontist- it’s worth it. A botched root canal is a bad thing. The endodontist I have now, the first time he looked in my mouth, he brightened up, smiled and said “Well, thank you very much.”
phantomist
Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before work?
A: Drops him off at band practice.
different-church-lady
@The Pale Scot:
Jesus on a hand baked flatbread, just shut down all the parts of the internet that aren’t TBogg and let him handle it from here on out.
Chyron HR
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
A: Tell him Sarah Palin cancelled her speech.
p.a.
Blonde and Brunette women share an apartment. Friday after work, they’re home trying to figure out what to do for the weekend.
They ring up a delivery man. Florist delivery for the brunette. A beautiful bouquet with a note. The blonde looks on enviously as the brunette accepts the bouquet and reads the note. Brunette’s face turns stony. She flips the note into the hall and throws the bouquet back in the deliver man’s face, saying “Take it back. I don’t want it.”. Slams the door shut.
Blonde says “Why did you do that? The flowers were beautiful.”
“It was from my boss. If I accepted I would have had to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air”, said the brunette.
Blond said, “Why, don’t we have a vase?”
Dee Loralei
My late Mother’s favorite joke : Two frogs are taking a bath. One says to the other “Please pass me the soap.” The other frog says ” What do you think I am, your typewriter or something?”
Yea, I still don’t get it. But she would giggle like a little girl every time she told it.
Yea 2014 kinda sucks Betty. And it’s still fucking cold in Memphis at the end of March! Where’s my Spring?
OzarkHillbilly
Anybody know why sharks never attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
SiubhanDuinne
@Mnemosyne:
Wow! I also had major dental issues not long after my father died! I don’t recall that anyone mentioned tooth grinding and jaw clenching, but it makes sense as a contributing factor.
SiubhanDuinne
@Mnemosyne:
@SiubhanDuinne:
And now that I think about it, I am aware of the same pattern with a cousin who lost both her brother and father in the past sixteen months, and has just had a full-mouth extraction in anticipation of implants.
Mnemosyne
@MattF:
Fortunately, I have a great endodontist and really good dental insurance, so it was more of an annoyance than anything else. It hurts for a few days afterwards, but there’s zero pain for the actual procedure. This is why I go to an endodontist who advertises on his website that he uses “profound local anesthesia.”
OzarkHillbilly
What do you call 3,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Mnemosyne
@SiubhanDuinne:
I think it was aimai who brought up the possibility. Neither my dentist nor the endodontist mentioned it, and they were both already teeth that had had crowns put on them, but it made sense once I thought about it.
Joey Maloney
@randomworker: Why do blondes have bruises around their bellybuttons?
There are blond men, too.
WereBear
@SiubhanDuinne: After my first husband died, I broke off the stainless steel screw that holds my molar implant. My new dentist was astonished.
I had to make a conscious effort to “train” myself not to do that while I slept.
Miki
What do you get when you cross rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
The Pale Scot
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”
He said, “Like what?”
I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”
He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?”
He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord
He said, Baptist Church of God!”
I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”
I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”
I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
SiubhanDuinne
@Mnemosyne:
It is quite amazing what we do to our bodies, usually quite unconsciously.
@WereBear:
Wow! I didn’t know that was even possible! (I have a mouth full of implants.)
Joey Maloney
Since my company is currently doing some work with Microsoft:
A helicopter pilot is flying around the Greater Seattle area when a sudden, thick fog rolls in. Visibility drops to zero and he gets disoriented and loses all sense of where he is. Suddenly a skyscraper looms out of the fog, so close he can see the people watching him from the office windows. He quickly scrawls “Where am I?” in Sharpie on a piece of paper and holds it up for them to see. There’s a brief huddle and then they hold up a sign on which is written, “You’re in a helicopter”. As soon as he sees that, the pilot is able to fly himself unerringly to the nearest landing field.
Later he’s telling the story in a bar and another pilot says, “I don’t understand. How did that sign help you?”
“When I read it, I knew I had to be hovering in front of Microsoft headquarters and those were Microsoft support techs – the answer they gave me was technically correct but completely useless.”
MomSense
Why is the chef mean”
Because he beats eggs and whips cream.
Where do ghosts and goblins go swimming?
Lake Erie.
Betty Cracker
@shelly: Grief and stress-induced insomnia.
NotMax
Late to the thread, but what the hey.
A six-foot grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Evening, what’ll it be? Hey, you know we’ve got a drink named after you?”
Grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Jerry?
Roger Moore
Q: Where do lawyers go when they die?
A: The great hereinafter.
WereBear
@Betty Cracker: I took valerian root. Needed six capsules but got my first night’s sleep in days.
You can get it at the health food stores. My doc offered some stuff, but I didn’t want to get into barbiturates or anything.
Robert Sneddon
An explorer in the jungle is bitten on the leg by a venomous centipede. He knows its bite is very toxic and possibly fatal if it is not treated quickly. His native guide tells him about a Christian missionary hospital several miles away and they immediately head for it.
They make it to the hospital in time and the explorer is met at the door by nuns who whisk him into a hospital bed. The nuns are familiar with this type of centipede and its bite and they reassure the woozy explorer that it can be treated but it will take several days before the danger has passed. The nuns busy themselves cleaning the bite, covering the skin around it with medicinal powder and then bandaging it up. As the explorer drifts in and out of consciousness he is vaguely aware of the nuns tending his wound at intervals and putting more powder on the bite. When lucidity returns he wakes to find a nun removing the bandages again and cleaning the bite area. After a few moments she stops and waits, leaving the wound exposed. He wonders why she’s not finishing the job.
“Excuse me, but aren’t you going to put the powder on my leg?” he asks.
The nun shakes her head. “Oh no, I’m not allowed to do that. Another nun dusts the bite.”
David in NY
Found on the internets:
An E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk
in to a bar and the bartender says:
“Sorry lads, we don’t serve minors.”
AxelFoley
A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, “Do you ever get shit on your fur?” The rabbit replies, “No, why do you ask?”. The bear then grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.
rikyrah
$1 Trillion Student Loan Debt Widens US Wealth Gap
March 27, 2014 (AP)
By CAROLYN THOMPSON Associated Press
Every month that Gregory Zbylut pays $1,300 toward his law school loans is another month of not qualifying for a decent mortgage.
Every payment toward their student loans is $900 Dr. Nida Degesys and her husband aren’t putting in their retirement savings account.
They believe they’ll eventually climb from debt and begin using their earnings to build assets rather than fill holes. But, like the roughly 37 million others in the U.S. saddled with $1 trillion in student debt, they may never catch up with wealthy peers who began life after college free from the burden.
The disparity, experts say, is contributing to the widening of the gap between rich and everyone else in the country.
……………………
The median 2009 net worth for a household without outstanding student debt was $117,700, nearly three times the $42,800 worth in a household with outstanding student debt, according to a report co-written by Elliott last November.
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/trillion-student-loan-debt-widens-us-wealth-gap-23081202
mouse tolliver
Q: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are about a dollar thirty-five. Deer nuts are under a buck.
::wongh wongh!::
AxelFoley
@Robert Sneddon: Ok, it took me a little while to get that. Well played, my friend.
Betty Cracker
@mouse tolliver: You watch “The Walking Dead,” don’t you?
Roger Moore
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q):
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
kc
@Trabb’s Boy:
That one made me lol for real.
Fuzzy
@Chyron HR: Nasty surprise ahead.
David in NY
@Bill E Pilgrim: That has gotten so not funny over the last 40 years.
PaulW
I just wanna strong voter turnout this November to get the GOP governors voted out and the Democratic Party voted into control of Congress. That would make a lot of people here a lot happier.
Anoniminous
An honest lawyer, the tooth fairy, a dishonest lawyer, and Santa Claus are having lunch. Who picked-up the check?
The dishonest lawyer. The other three are figments of the imagination.
Anoniminous
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q):
The way I heard it …
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
RSA
Some of my background reading lately has been in computational humor. Not jokes about computers, but how computers might be programmed to make jokes. Here’s an overview set of articles, from 2006 and a paper that describes “a fully unsupervised humor generation system for generating jokes of the type I likemy X like I like my Y, Z, where X, Y, and Z are slots to be filled in.”
WereBear
@Anoniminous: Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Fort Geek
A preacher, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender looks at them and yells, “What is this, some kind of joke?!”
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
shirt
A Rabbi and a Priest were traveling to a religious convention and were talking about the merits of their respective faiths. After a while the priest asks: “Your religion forbids pork, have you tried it and did you like it?” The Rabbi responded “Yes, once, a long time ago. It was alright, just another kind of meat.” After an extended silence the Rabbi asked the priest, “Your religion forbids sexual intercourse, doesn’t it?” The priest said it did. The Rabbi then asked have you ever had any?” “Yes” replied the priest, “When I was younger.” The Rabbi then asked “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
Interrobang
Q: Why doesn’t Hitler drink tequila?
A: Because it makes him mean.
mack
A man lying next a pool at a resort see the most beautiful older woman he has ever laid eyes upon. He wondered if she had a daughter and if they would consider a threesome. He decides to approach the woman, and asks, “excuse me, but would you be interested in a little mother/daughter threesome action with me? The woman nods her approval, turns her head and shouts “hey ma!”
WereBear
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot
better.
Roger Moore
@WereBear:
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Californians screw in hot tubs.
SiubhanDuinne
@shirt:
A rabbi and a priest were talking about their dwindling congregations.
“Sure and it’s a shame,” said the priest, “and begorrah if half my parishioners haven’t gone and joined that new Quaker meeting-house.”
The rabbi sighed deeply. “I know what you mean,” he said. “Some of my best Jews are Friends.”
Gary
Amish lady get pulled over in her horse drawn buggy.
Cop says reflector is out of position.
Lady says she’ll have her husband fix it as soon as she get home.
Cop also says, “I see the reigns are wrapped around the horses testicles. Some states would consider that animal cruelty.”
Lady says she’ll have her husband fix it when she get’s home.
She gets home and tells her husband, “Honey, a cop said the reflector on the rear of the buggy is out of position. Would you fix that, and Oh, Yes, he said there was something wrong with the emergency break too.”
WereBear
@Roger Moore: And a favorite, from my aunt:
Q: How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Ten…
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either “for” changing the light bulb or “for” darkness
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: “Light Bulb Change Accomplished”
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark
8. One to viciously smear #7
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along
10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Roger Moore
@WereBear:
ITYM “to complain about intrusive federal energy efficiency mandates”. It’s funny because it’s true.
Central Planning
Possibly my favorite joke:
Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Steeplejack
@The Pale Scot:
I love TBogg.
Bex
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to stand around saying, “I could’ve done that better.”
DaddyJ
True story:
After my Grandmother passed away, we went to go visit the grave. My 5-year-old daughter asked, “Dadda, is Granmma down there in the ground?”
“No honey, Grandma’s in heaven. It’s just her body that’s there in the ground.”
“Oh.” She thinks for a moment. “Is her head in a museum?”
Lymie
Q. What does it take to make an Amish woman happy?
A. Two Mennonite
John M. Burt
@Bex: I am disappointed that Comment #144 was a joke which was not, as so many of these jokes have been, gross.
Speaking of which….
A woman placed a singles ad. She specified that she was not interested in romance, companionship or even friendship. What she wanted was sex, plain and simple, and she wanted the hottest sex she could find.
A few days later, her doorbell rang, and she found a man with no arms or legs lying on her doorstep (no, his name wasn’t Matt).
:Hi,” the man said. “I’m here in answer to your ad.”
“Look,” the woman replied, “I don’t mean to be unkind, but I think i was pretty clear what I was looking for, and I just don’t see–”
“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
steverinoCT
@OzarkHillbilly:
(shark-lawyers-professional courtesy) I was just thinking of that joke, remembering an old man who tried to tell it. What is a one-liner he strung out into a boring five-minute stranded-on-a-desert-island story that didn’t even qualify as a shaggy-dog. And I knew where he was going after the first 30 seconds.
Little Johnny’s class was learning about poetry, and assigned to write a poem as homework. The next day, Johnny read his poem:
“I sat within a shady nook
Beside a little babbling brook.
And there I saw a pretty lass
Wade in the water clear up to her knees.”
The teacher said, “That’s very good, Johnny, but the last line doesn’t rhyme.”
“It would have,” Johnny replied, “if we’d had more rain last winter.”
thedarkeststar
The ‘Irish Wildlife Association’ have put penguins on the ‘critically endangered’ list.
After their two month expedition to the North Pole, they didn’t find a single one.
Taken from http://www.sickipedia.org/