Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

Americans barely caring about Afghanistan is so last month.

The republican caucus is already covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

In my day, never was longer.

Infrastructure week. at last.

Consistently wrong since 2002

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Bark louder, little dog.

John Fetterman: Too Manly for Pennsylvania.  Paid for by the Oz for Senator campaign.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

A Senator Walker would be an insult to the state and the nation.

Meanwhile over at truth Social, the former president is busy confessing to crimes.

You cannot shame the shameless.

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

Too often we confuse noise with substance. too often we confuse setbacks with defeat.

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

You are here: Home / Shorter Chris Christie

Shorter Chris Christie

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“After an extensive investigation of myself by me and my staff, I have determined that not only am I not guilty of anything, but I am witty, slim, and a magnificent lover.”

I guess now we get to watch and see if this press swallows this choad. I can’t watch it because I am out of shape and worry about heart failure, but I bet tomorrow’s Morning Joe is going to be an excellent static display of contortion.

Reader Interactions

56Comments

  1. 1.

    PsiFighter37

    Bloomberg News accepted it without blinking, so yes, the media is still filled with useful (or useless, depending on your standpoint) idiots. The NYT, as far as I could tell, picked up on the pertinent fact, which is that Wildstein said that he had told Christie about the traffic jams when they were happening.

  7. 7.

    Sinnach

    Yeah, the media is busy lapping it up. Just came across the headline ‘Christie cleared in scandal’. No mention of who or why (in the headline). Ah well, I do hope he still runs in 2016. The other GOP candidates will eat him alive if he tries.

  8. 8.

    Jeff Spender

    Well, you know what they say. If you can’t trust a law firm you hired with deep connections to your administration to clear you of all wrongdoing, who can you trust?

  9. 9.

    Baud

    If only Obama had done an internal investigation on Benghazi, we wouldn’t still be talking about it.

  10. 10.

    Mike E

    CBS Evening News reported it quite matter-of-factly…Texts and emails…Dem state legis lady had an 8 sec sound bite…Wildstein and Bridget did it…No idea as to why.

  11. 11.

    Tommy

    All I will say is this. As messed up as my state is and the state next to me, if you tried to shut down parts of 64 from IL into MO cause well, you just wanted to punish say East St. Louis (which a lot of folks would like to), you’d need a security detail. You also wouldn’t have a job.

    My last two governors are still in jail. A judge by me sold heroin. A local police chief of a major city is trying for the forth time to get his license back, cause well he tends to kill folks when he drives. The list of things that happen are staggering. But we’d find what Christie did to be a little over-the-top.

  13. 13.

    Amir Khalid

    Christie’s a lawyer. He must have known this would never pass any smell test. It certainly won’t with the federal prosecutors who, last I heard, were looking at him. Is this how he’s planning to bully/charm his way out of that?

  16. 16.

    JMG

    This isn’t helping Christie. This is Nixon saying to L. Patrick Gray to just continue his full investigation. This is also Christie saying to his trusted aides “Sorry guys, but screw you.” That never works, because of the part where you used to trust them.

  17. 17.

    Violet

    Diane Sawyer is getting the first Christie interview post Bridge scandal. The interview is taking place at Christie’s home and is also featuring his wife. They’re working hard to soften his image, aren’t they?

  18. 18.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @Violet: Just watching a clip on MSNBC. He is an insufferably smug bastard.

    @PsiFighter37: That’s why I was surprised his lawyer brought the Kelly-Stepian affair out in public (it’s apparently been an open secret). If you want the Village to stop paying attention to something, you don’t offer the pecksniffian Mr and Mrs Grundys of Broderville sex to obsess about.

  19. 19.

    Hunter Gathers

    @Tommy:

    But we’d find what Christie did to be a little over-the-top.

    We would have booted his ass out 2 days after the story broke. We demand that real crooks run the state. Not half-assed wannabe tough guys who would rather look like a chump than admit that he lied. Compared to Ryan and Blago, Christie’s a fucking piker.

  20. 20.

    BGinCHI

    Today at Nuremberg, all National Socialists were found innocent by the report graciously supplied by Herr Goebbels.

  21. 21.

    JMG

    Diane Sawyer is the living exemplar of why television news is and always has been worthless.

  26. 26.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    Just saw that Jennifer Stefano (Americans for Prosperity) bellowing on last night’s All In that $94,000/yr is a lot of money. Aren’t these the same people who spent the last five years telling me that $250K/yr is paycheck-to-paychek working class?
    ETA: her argument is that medicaid expansion to 140% of poverty level covers households making $94K/yr.

  27. 27.

    JPL

    @Baud: haha.. I didn’t watch it. CBS has scored an interview with the President that will air tomorrow night. That’s the one I’ll watch.

  30. 30.

    Hill Dweller

    Sawyer is part of the same club that thinks former Dubya flunkies are foreign policy experts.

  31. 31.

    Baud

    @JPL:

    I’ve realized I rarely watch Obama’s interviews anymore because I can’t stand the journalists.

  32. 32.

    trollhattan

    @JMG:

    Worked in the Nixon White House so she must have felt right at home. I think she was the prototype for the Standard Issue Fox News Hawt Blonde, admittedly with fifty-percent more substance.

    Anybody see Samantha Bee’s performance art takedown of Morning Blow? Effing brilliant.

  33. 33.

    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader

    Christie took on a national liberal media trying to invent a scandal and came out a winner. I can’t wait to find out how his faith in Christ helped him through it.

  34. 34.

    Mandalay

    Sawyer: But does it [the report] make you feel clueless?…

    Christie: Not clueless, but it certainly makes me feel taken advantage of.

    Yet again Christie decides to play the wimpy victim. So be it; he will get shredded in the Republican primaries. They’ll paint him as weak, clueless and lacking any leadership skills.

  36. 36.

    Snarki, child of Loki

    “After an extensive investigation of myself by me and my staff, I have determined that not only am I not guilty of anything, but I am witty, slim, and a magnificent lover.”

    …and humble. So very, very humble.

    Mustn’t leave that out.

  37. 37.

    Violet

    @Hill Dweller: Never forget, Diane Sawyer worked for Nixon and stayed with him after he left office:

    She eventually found a job as an assistant to Jerry Warren, the White House deputy press secretary. She was at first assigned to write press releases and quickly graduated to other tasks like drafting some of President Richard Nixon’s public statements. In a few months, she was hired as administrative assistant to White House Press Secretary, Ron Ziegler, and eventually to staff assistant for U.S. President Richard Nixon.[4] Sawyer continued through Nixon’s resignation from the presidency in 1974 and worked on the Nixon-Ford transition team in 1974–1975, after which she decamped with Nixon to California and helped him write his memoirs, published in 1978. She also helped prepare Nixon for his famous set of television interviews with journalist David Frost in 1977.[5]

  38. 38.

    Tommy

    @Hill Dweller: I say it stuns me, but it shouldn’t stun me. At least on foreign policy and war everybody not as liberal has me has been wrong 24/7.

    I note that before I started to read as much I thought invading Iraq was a good idea. Yes I said that and will admit it. I was a liberal at the time, but all the “experts” told me it was a “good” idea.

    All those folks were wrong. Now they were not a little wrong, they were totally wrong.

    The worse offenders, the Republicans and Bush officials, were more wrong then anybody. I mean I can’t really find an another example to highlight how wrong they are. Then I turn on my TV and I see them all still being asked what they think.

    I assume nothing of what they say is right. I am not sure they know water is wet.

  41. 41.

    burnspbesq

    Were you expecting some other outcome?

    The only investigation that matters is the grand jury investigation.

  43. 43.

    mai naem

    @PsiFighter37: Actually, Bridget Kelly apparently had an affair with Bill Slepian and they are apparently portraying her as a woman hath scorned….according to Chris Matthews, anyway.

  44. 44.

    Baud

    @burnspbesq:

    Were you expecting some other outcome?

    Have to admit, it would have been quite funny if Christie’s own investigation had concluded “Goddamn, Chris Christie’s one corrupt SOB.”

  45. 45.

    maximiliano furtive, formerly known as dr. bloor

    @Sinnach:

    The other GOP candidates will eat him alive if he tries.

    I think Christie is the only candidate capable of eating Christie.

  47. 47.

    Hill Dweller

    @Tommy: Condi Rice apparently called President Obama weak in the last couple of days. Never mind the Dubya flunkies’ ineptitude in Iraq and Afghanistan; they didn’t lift a finger when Putin invaded Georgia on their watch.

    The Village is full of sociopaths.

  48. 48.

    Boudica

    Maddow is talking about this right now. Pictures of mayor Zimmer yawning read by body language experts as proof that she wasn’t threatened.

  49. 49.

    Tommy

    @Hill Dweller: I agree. Look if you ask me something. I tell you this. This is how you fix that problem with your car. Your plumbing. I am not somewhat wrong, but totally wrong. Your car catches on fire and your house floods.

    You have car problems again, your next call isn’t to me

    If I had a TV show and Condi came on it would be ugly. I might actually open the interview with, “name something you were right about as Sectary off State?”

  50. 50.

    Mike in NC

    @Hill Dweller: Condi apparently has nothing better to do these days than attend GOP conventions and fundraisers, so despite her wretched performance as National Security advisor and Secretary of State, some people are once again speculating whether someone who has never run for or held elected office will run for president in 2016. Jesus wept.

  51. 51.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @Mike in NC: She has a 65% approval rating, as of the summer of 2012 when there was some speculation about her as Willard’s running mate. I laughed when I heard it, then almost cried when I saw how weak our national character is.

    Looks like Boss Hogg is doubling down on blaming Bridget Kelly

  53. 53.

    kindness

    Tomorrow morning Scarboro will be on his knees fellating Christi all show long. No two ways about it.

  54. 54.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Baud:

    Have to admit, it would have been quite funny if Christie’s own investigation had concluded “Goddamn, Chris Christie’s one corrupt SOB.”

    Behind the scenes, I expect they did.

  55. 55.

    Waynski

    @Amir Khalid: I think, as he is an attorney, he’s trying to muddy the waters and taint the jury pool. He’ll be standing before a Federal judge before too long and knows he will need some kind of defense. He knows he only needs one dumbass to believe his horseshit version of events to keep himself out of jail. It’s not about his political career. It’s about not becoming a prison bitch. Let’s not forget that he was a Federal prosecutor. The inmates would be painting him with lipstick on day one.

  56. 56.

    bobbo

    @Violet:
    Diane Sawyer is getting the first Christie interview post Bridge scandal. The interview is taking place at Christie’s home and is also featuring his wife. They’re working hard to soften his image, aren’t they?

    Makes perfect sense. She was Nixon’s press aide, of course.

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