• Menu
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Before Header

  • About Us
  • Lexicon
  • Contact Us
  • Our Store
  • ↑
  • ↓
  • ←
  • →

Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

They love authoritarianism, but only when they get to be the authoritarians.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

Books are my comfort food!

Another missed opportunity for Jamie Dimon to just shut the fuck up.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires.

The poor and middle-class pay taxes, the rich pay accountants, the wealthy pay politicians.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Even though I know this is a bad idea, I’m off to do it anyway!

If West Virginia and San Francisco had a love child.

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

You can’t love your country only when you win.

It’s a doggy dog world.

The words do not have to be perfect.

When your entire life is steeped in white supremacy, equality feels like discrimination.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

Today’s gop: why go just far enough when too far is right there?

Every reporter and pundit should have to declare if they ever vacationed with a billionaire.

Republicans do not pay their debts.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

Despite his magical powers, I don’t think Trump is thinking this through, to be honest.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

At some point, the ability to learn is a factor of character, not IQ.

Mobile Menu

  • Four Directions Montana
  • Donate with Venmo, Zelle & PayPal
  • Site Feedback
  • War in Ukraine
  • Submit Photos to On the Road
  • Politics
  • On The Road
  • Open Threads
  • Topics
  • COVID-19 Coronavirus
  • Authors
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Lexicon
  • Our Store
  • Politics
  • Open Threads
  • 2024 Elections
  • Garden Chats
  • On The Road
  • Targeted Fundraising!
You are here: Home / Open Threads / Excellent Links / Late Night Open Thread: Best April-Fools Retort of the Year

Late Night Open Thread: Best April-Fools Retort of the Year

by Anne Laurie|  April 2, 20143:25 am| 19 Comments

This post is in: Excellent Links, Open Threads, Sports, Assholes

FacebookTweetEmail

From David Roth, at SB Nation, “Donald Trump Is Not Buying the Buffalo Bills”:

… Everything Trump says — it invariably arrives wrapped in reassurances that This Tweet Is A Fantastic Tweet, Very Popular or that Everyone Loves This Line Of Premium Neckties Available Exclusively At 7-Eleven — scans as a prank. No one does a better Donald Trump imitation than Donald Trump, and his is ruthless.

Another way to say this: the ambient ridiculousness that trails Donald Trump like a cloud of steak-fart and pine cone air freshener scent serves to obscure and overwhelm his every action and utterance. So when Donald Trump talks about buying the Buffalo Bills on April 1, the correct response is to laugh first and assess the idea’s relative seriousness later…

But Trump is indeed “looking at” investing in the Bills, according to an interview with a Buffalo radio station. “I know so many people in Buffalo,” Trump told WBEN-FM, “and they have asked me about looking at that, and I certainly would look at it.” Of course, Trump is also “looking at” running for governor of New York or president of the United States. He is looking at whether vaccines cause autism, and looking at whether Barack Obama was born in this country. He is looking outside, seeing snow on the ground, and then looking at the dubious science behind climate change.

Donald Trump looks at a lot of things, his tiny eyes squinting out of his great freezer-burned Creamsicle of a head, his puckered mouth like the knotted end of a Nathan’s hot dog. Loosen it, and all kinds of nitrite-plumped filler and noxious meat-bits are going to come spilling out…

Trump will not run for governor or president, because he would lose and look laughable doing it, and also because doing things like that is hard. He will not buy all or part of the Bills because he already tried owning a football team, and wound up bankrupting an entire goddamn league…

FacebookTweetEmail
Previous Post: « LPD
Next Post: Sleeves of a Vest »

Reader Interactions

19Comments

  1. 1.

    NotMax

    April 2, 2014 at 3:40 am

    What is the sound of one brand fapping?

  2. 2.

    Poopyman

    April 2, 2014 at 6:01 am

    @NotMax: Apparently, 2 hours and 20 minutes of silence.

  3. 3.

    Warren Terra

    April 2, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Needs a link to the hilarious McKay Coppins article “36 Hours On The Fake Campaign Trail With Donald Trump”, which in its own right isn’t complete without some awareness that in response to the article in question Trump went ballistic, got some staff strumpet to allege sexual harassment by Coppins (who is reportedly very Mormon and very married), and fired the press aide who approved the interview.

  4. 4.

    BruceFromOhio

    April 2, 2014 at 6:47 am

    …the ambient ridiculousness that trails Donald Trump like a cloud of steak-fart…

    Priceless.

  5. 5.

    PurpleGirl

    April 2, 2014 at 6:51 am

    Any comment thread about Trump has to mention the Spy magazine name for him:

    short-fingered vulgarian

    Spy is dead. Long live Spy.

  6. 6.

    Patrick

    April 2, 2014 at 7:53 am

    I am still waiting for our so called journalists in our media to ask Trump what his investigators came up with regarding Obama’s birth certificate.Trump claimed that they had dug up some “very interesting information”. And then nothing happened when Trump withdrew from the race. Yet, the media had already repeated Trump’s claim a gazillion times.And then the media NEVER confronted Trump about the truthfulness about his claims.

  7. 7.

    Uncle Cosmo

    April 2, 2014 at 8:28 am

    …his great freezer-burned Creamsicle of a head, his puckered mouth like the knotted end of a Nathan’s hot dog…

    Mah frenz, lines like these are what the English language was meant for.

  8. 8.

    burnspbesq

    April 2, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Your taste in sports journalism is turning out to be every bit as bad as your taste in … Well, everything.

  9. 9.

    kc

    April 2, 2014 at 9:07 am

    his puckered mouth like the knotted end of a Nathan’s hot dog.

    Perfect.

  10. 10.

    the Conster

    April 2, 2014 at 9:08 am

    ‘freezer burnt creamsicle of a head’. That’s really good, and without any context I’d know exactly to whom it referred.

  11. 11.

    Villago Delenda Est

    April 2, 2014 at 9:20 am

    He’s also the guy who managed to bankrupt a large gaming establishment. Mind you, these things are rigged so the house can’t lose.

  12. 12.

    Fred

    April 2, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Is there anyone in the world who likes Donald Trump? Is there anyone who doesn’t dislike him?
    It occurs to me The Donald may in fact be an Andy Kaufman routine with no end in sight. I mean really, what has the man ever done but drag himself out on stage to be his own carnival barker for his “I’m a disgusting rich guy” show? The hair, the sneers, the stupid stuff the man says, there is no way he doesn’t know what a buffoon he is. It is an intentional one man clown show.
    Mitt Romney said all that stuff because he didn’t know any better. The Donald knows exactly what he is doing and thinks he is a scream.

  13. 13.

    maya

    April 2, 2014 at 10:18 am

    He should buy the Buffalo Bills then move the franchise and change the name: Dannemora Dons would be a perfect fit.

  14. 14.

    DaddyJ

    April 2, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    One thing I do admire about Donald Trump is the service to literature he performs as a metaphor-magnet and inspiration to writers.

    freezer-burned Creamsicle of a head

    Anybody remember Spy magazine and “thick-fingered vulgarian”?

  15. 15.

    fledermaus

    April 2, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    If you want more of Trump’s adventures in football you should watch ESPN 30 for 30 Who Killed the USFL on netflix

  16. 16.

    JustRuss

    April 2, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    This Roth guy can write. If he keeps it up, I may forgive him for leaving Van Halen.

  17. 17.

    West of the Cascades

    April 2, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    As a lifelong suffering Bills fan, I read that headline and pleaded with God and an assortment of minor deities and spirit animals that it was an April Fool’s joke.

  18. 18.

    Brendan in Charlotte

    April 2, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    @West of the Cascades: as did I – another lifelong suffering Bills fan.

  19. 19.

    Ben

    April 2, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    @Brendan in Charlotte:
    Thirded. Although Jim Kelly now is too sick to buy them…:(

Comments are closed.

Primary Sidebar

Recent Comments

  • frosty on Take the Fucking Win (Apr 15, 2024 @ 12:21pm)
  • Soprano2 on Take the Fucking Win (Apr 15, 2024 @ 12:21pm)
  • Geminid on Take the Fucking Win (Apr 15, 2024 @ 12:19pm)
  • sdhays on Take the Fucking Win (Apr 15, 2024 @ 12:19pm)
  • MisterForkbeard on Take the Fucking Win (Apr 15, 2024 @ 12:19pm)

🎈Keep Balloon Juice Ad Free

Become a Balloon Juice Patreon
Donate with Venmo, Zelle or PayPal

Balloon Juice Posts

View by Topic
View by Author
View by Month & Year
View by Past Author

Balloon Juice Meetups!

All Meetups
Talk of Meetups – Meetup Planning
Proposed BJ meetups list from frosty

Fundraising 2023-24

Wis*Dems Supreme Court + SD-8
Virginia House Races
Four Directions – Montana
Worker Power AZ
Four Directions – Arizona
Four Directions – Nevada

Featuring

Medium Cool
Artists in Our Midst
Authors in Our Midst
Positive Climate News
War in Ukraine
Cole’s “Stories from the Road”
Classified Documents Primer

Calling All Jackals

Site Feedback
Nominate a Rotating Tag
Submit Photos to On the Road
Balloon Juice Mailing List Signup
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Links)
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Posts)

Fix Nyms with Apostrophes

Balloon Juice for Ukraine

Donate

Twitter / Spoutible

Balloon Juice (Spoutible)
WaterGirl (Spoutible)
TaMara (Spoutible)
John Cole
DougJ (aka NYT Pitchbot)
Betty Cracker
Tom Levenson
David Anderson
Major Major Major Major
ActualCitizensUnited

Political Action 2024

Postcard Writing Information

Balloon Juice for Four Directions AZ

Donate

Balloon Juice for Four Directions NV

Donate

Site Footer

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Comment Policy
  • Our Authors
  • Blogroll
  • Our Artists
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2024 Dev Balloon Juice · All Rights Reserved · Powered by BizBudding Inc

Share this ArticleLike this article? Email it to a friend!

Email sent!