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You are here: Home / No Way to Talk to Your Mother

No Way to Talk to Your Mother

by John Cole|  April 25, 20146:50 pm| 59 Comments

This post is in: Clown Shoes

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Always thought those funny parent/son text messages were fake. Until a couple minutes ago when mom returned a phone call with a text asking me what I wanted:

IMG_3181

Oops.

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Reader Interactions

59Comments

  1. 1.

    Zam

    April 25, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    I’m still certain that most of them are fake.

  2. 2.

    srv

    April 25, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    She’s talking about your dogs.

  3. 3.

    hilts

    April 25, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    OT

    Feds Preparing To Bring Criminal Charges Against Rep. Michael Grimm (R-NY)
    h/t http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/michael-grimm-charges

  4. 4.

    Tommy

    April 25, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    @Zam: My mom doesn’t have a cell phone. She wants one to text me and my brother. We are both fearful of how that will work. My dad when he got his phone where he could text us, he said he’d never do that. Now my father texts me more than anybody I know by several factors. I love the guy, but my god stop texting me :).

  5. 5.

    Trollhattan

    April 25, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    Truncated Santa? “Merry not Christmas, ho…”

  6. 6.

    dedc79

    April 25, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    John, what’s the Penguins’ plan for game 5? Think they’ll chain Fleury to the goal so he can’t wander?

  7. 7.

    Trollhattan

    April 25, 2014 at 7:00 pm

    Evidently, Georgia doesn’t have enough large gunz and John Boehner ain’t no conservative, neither.

    http://www.johnstoneforcongress.com/stone_fires_opening_shot_of_2014_ad_campaign

  8. 8.

    Violet

    April 25, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    You were telling her about Lily and Shawn again, weren’t you?

  9. 9.

    John Cole

    April 25, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    @dedc79: If I had to guess, it would be to find a new and different way to shit the bed against an upstart young team, like you know last year, get knocked out of the playoffs, and then Bylsma gets shitcanned.

  10. 10.

    PsiFighter37

    April 25, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    @hilts: That should sink him, although given the way the district is drawn (a weird split between the Rock and Brooklyn), it’s hard to get a good Democrat elected there. Even McMahon (the Democrat who held the seat for a couple years) was pretty Blue Dog-ish.

    He deserves it, though – he’s an asshole of the first order. I’ll be happy when the other asshole representing downstate NYC (Peter King) finally leaves, too.

  11. 11.

    srv

    April 25, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    Cover Oregon collapses

    The Oregon board overseeing the state’s deeply flawed health insurance exchange unanimously approved the Obama administration’s plan Friday to take over the marketplace, making Oregon the first state to drop its enrollment Web site for HealthCare.gov.

    Directors of the exchange, Cover Oregon, voted Friday to drop its enrollment Web site, which hadn’t fully recovered from a failed launch Oct. 1. Oregon, which was awarded $305 million in federal grants to build the exchange, remains the only state not allowing full online enrollment in Affordable Care Act health plans.

  12. 12.

    gnomedad

    April 25, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    Well, this Is rather awkward. Does it cancel one of his miracles?

  13. 13.

    Botsplainer

    April 25, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Drunk, sitting in beautiful seafront cottage 15 feet from the surf line in Belize,waiting for lovely wife to primp for dinner, listening to Doobie Brothers.

    If God strikes me dead this moment, it’s OK…

  14. 14.

    dedc79

    April 25, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    @Botsplainer: check out tobacco caye if you get a chance.

  15. 15.

    Tommy

    April 25, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    @srv: Wow. $300M plus. Look I do web sites for a living. Clearly nothing as complex as a health exchange, but I can’t wrap my mind around that level of funding. In fact if you troll around the web development sites I read, this high level of funding was the core of the problem with the sites. At some point you can in fact throw too much resources and people at a problem.

  16. 16.

    lamh36

    April 25, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    Ok, so in the new X-Men movie, Wolverine travels back in time to get younger versions of X-Men leaders to help change and shape a better future. So I’m thinking what advice would I give my younger self, if I was able to go back in time and get my younger self to change my future.

    My answer: I’d tell myself, that the extra money wasn’t worth it and I would tell my younger self to NOT keep the overpayment in financial aid refunds. If not for that decision, I may actually be Dr lamh37 today…life lessons.

  17. 17.

    WaterGirl

    April 25, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    @Botsplainer: I read that as “waiting for lovely wife to pimp for dinner”.

    Off to clean my glasses…

  18. 18.

    WaterGirl

    April 25, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    @lamh36: I’m pretty sure there’s a story there, but it would be impolite to ask.

  19. 19.

    NotMax

    April 25, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Reason #umpteen to be glad I don’t have a cell phone.

  20. 20.

    dmsilev

    April 25, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    @Tommy: They contracted with Oracle to build the system. I think that was mistake #1.

  21. 21.

    Trollhattan

    April 25, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Well now, isn’t this refreshing?

    A small group of demonstrators staged a protest of southern Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy and Republican U.S. Sen. Dean Heller of Nevada on Friday outside the federal courthouse in Reno.

    The protesters criticized Heller’s description of Bundy and his supporters as “patriots” and Bundy’s suggestion that “the Negro” might have been better off during slavery rather than on government welfare.

    A black man waved a placard reading, “Just Wondering About Slavery? Ask me, Bundy. I’ll Be Glad to Tell You How We Feel.”

    Other protesters held placards reading, “Aiming Guns at Cops is Not Patriotic” and “Senator Heller: Bundy is Not a ‘Patriot’! We Are a Nation of Laws Not Guns.”

    http://www.sacbee.com/2014/04/25/6354755/reno-protesters-criticize-bundy.html

  22. 22.

    tybee

    April 25, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    @Botsplainer:

    yes, there are those times when it would be ok. sounds like you found one.

  23. 23.

    Mike in NC

    April 25, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    @Botsplainer: Goes without saying we hate you!

  24. 24.

    Tommy

    April 25, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    @dmsilev: Well that begs the question, were the databases they needed the site to interact with Oracle? By all accounts the CA and KY sites appear to be the best. I’ve heard rumors that the governor o KY is thinking of just selling what they did to other states that are not happy with what they have. Maybe he needs to call Oregon first.

  25. 25.

    kindness

    April 25, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    You text your Ma with that finger!?!

  26. 26.

    WaterGirl

    April 25, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    @dmsilev: And why aren’t these company names plastered all over every article, since they were such failures???

  27. 27.

    OzarkHillbilly

    April 25, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    @Botsplainer: Fwck you. Eat sand and die. ;-)

  28. 28.

    lamh36

    April 25, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    @WaterGirl: not much of a story really. I was young 19 and the bank overpaid me on my financial aid refund. It’s like the stories where the banks over deposits funds in accts and people spend it?

    Well at 19 I learned a valuable lesson, eventually they will audit it and they, 9 times out of 10, figure out they overpaid you. So it’s always best to just alert the bank and keep it moving. Spending the money cause “it’s their fault” they missed it and being young and stupid enough to not take a moment to think about it, will only result in you having to pay the money back to stay in school. For a poor kid on scholarship, paying for school by the skin of her teeth, there ain’t paying that money back. So no payback, no money for school, no money for school, no school.

    It would take me 2 years before I could afford to go back to school. Thankfully, I’m living a pretty good life now, but I freely admit my current profession was NOT my first choice. But I’m pretty darn good at it!

  29. 29.

    Violet

    April 25, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    @Trollhattan: Wow. That is interesting. I pointed out when the Bundy protest was happening that the only black people in the photos were the law enforcement officials in uniform. It was kind of jarring. Glad to see this kind of protest happening even if it’s small.

  30. 30.

    Tommy

    April 25, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    @WaterGirl: Clearly Oracle is a huge company that does a lot more then just database software, but I can’t even remotely think they’d be on a list of companies I’d want to work with on a complex web development project.

    Look I work in this field and there are a ton of amazing web development companies. Both large, small, and everything in between. But with that said, not sure how many of them would want to work with a state government.

    I can’t stress enough that when I see a budget of $305M that raises a lot of red flags. What is the phrase, too many chiefs and not enough Indians. Makes me think there would be too many changes in direction. No one person in charge. Nobody that can make a decision. Debating for week the size of the logo oe font, while nothing gets done.

  31. 31.

    hilts

    April 25, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    @Trollhattan:

    Meanwhile, Kevin Williamson is still sounding like a dick:

    National Review correspondent Kevin Williamson turned heads last week when he wrote a column likening Bundy’s intentional violation of the law to Mahatma Gandhi‘s famous stand against colonial Britain. When confronted with Bundy’s “Negro” remarks, Williamson stood firm, noting that Gandhi had “thoroughly creepy” views on race as well, but we remember him for other reasons. “People turn out to be complicated and unpredictable,” he added after noting Gandhi’s lamentable views on homosexuality.

    http://www.mediaite.com/online/conservative-politicians-and-pundits-react-to-bundys-negro-remarks

  32. 32.

    Iowa Old Lady

    April 25, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    @Trollhattan: I saw the US Rep from Bundy’s district (an AA, ironically) on MSNBC last night, and he said he’d been home and people were complaining about all the gunmen in their streets. They couldn’t go to church or let their kids walk to school without seeing guys holding guns.

  33. 33.

    Violet

    April 25, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    @Iowa Old Lady: I’m waiting for the complaints from white people in Georgia to start rolling in. You know, about brown and black people and maybe even scary Muslims openly carrying guns in their neighborhoods. Because if they have a permit, it’s legal.

  34. 34.

    raven

    April 25, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    @tybee: Hey! I’m going to Jekyll in a couple of weeks. Looks like the fishing could be decent. Tips?

  35. 35.

    Citizen_X

    April 25, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    @Iowa Old Lady: Wait, didn’t that make the town more polite?

    [/confused gun nut]

  36. 36.

    Citizen_X

    April 25, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    @Botsplainer: Coastal elitist!

  37. 37.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    April 25, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    Not sure which is worse. Calling your mom a ho or bragging about it to the whole world. It’s no wonder you are her least favorite kid.

  38. 38.

    Pogonip

    April 25, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    Offered illicit texts? Just say ho!

  39. 39.

    scav

    April 25, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    Speaking of which, Choose your theme to file this under. Chicago Thug Violence making converts or Idealized Polite Armed Society in operation. ChiTrib

    A long-running dispute between neighbors on the South Side erupted into gunfire this afternoon, with an off-duty Chicago police officer fatally shooting an 86-year-old man and wounding his 90-year-old wife after the officer’s wife had been shot, officials said.
    …
    He said his father and the neighbors would often get into a dispute for “territorial” reasons that included disputes over such things as not closing gates. “He is 86 and they argued every day,” said Huff.

    There was also a phase with rake-wielding.

  40. 40.

    mdblanche

    April 25, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    The Grim Weeper should be careful about accusing his caucus of lacking political courage. People who live in glass wine bottles etc.

  41. 41.

    raven

    April 25, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    I don’t suppose there is any chance that this jackass’ blog be moved the monitor and mock area?

    Pat Lang

    – An aged rancher in Nevada is exposed as a fool who threw away right wing support for his non-payment of grazing fees on federal lands by saying that he thought blacks might have been better off as slaves. As a lifelong student of nineteenth century America I can assure him that they were NOT better off. The Hillary enthralled press has, of course, seized on this and is running with the ball. What a splendid way to “sell” their thematic material on the subject of conservative awfulness.

  42. 42.

    Pogonip

    April 25, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    Since there are not hundreds of comments ahead of me, I am seizing the opportunity to tout the Pogonip Weather Project. I’m keeping track of weather data, and in 6-month increments, I will bump it against the Farmer’s Almanac to see how accurate the latter really is. If interested, let me know and I’ll post the first batch of results around the beginning of July.

  43. 43.

    WaterGirl

    April 25, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    @lamh36: Thanks for the story. Wow, tough lesson. You landed on your feet, but you may wonder about the road not taken.

  44. 44.

    Tommy

    April 25, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    @scav: Wow who shots a 86 year old man and his 90 year old wife. I had a next door neighbor about this age. A total pain in the ass. Always yelling at me about this or that. I found I just always smiled. Said “yes sir” and “no sir.” Didn’t take the bait. Seemed he just wanted to get a rise out of me. When I didn’t engage him, well he just stopped. Just cause he was a dick and a mean old man didn’t mean I had to be as well.

  45. 45.

    WaterGirl

    April 25, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    @raven: Seconded!

  46. 46.

    Poopyman

    April 25, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    @Botsplainer:

    If God strikes me dead this moment, it’s OK…

    What a fool believes …

  47. 47.

    Omnes Omnibus

    April 25, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    @Pogonip: People around here have some interesting hobbies. Is the Farmer’s Almanac tailored to specific locations?

  48. 48.

    Pogonip

    April 25, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Yes, it is. They have divided the continental U.S. into 16 weather zones.

  49. 49.

    scav

    April 25, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    @Tommy: Neither side of this particular fence are coming off well in this incident. Nearly everyone seemed to be armed. Politeness run amok.

  50. 50.

    Tommy

    April 25, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    @Pogonip: Weather is a weird thing for me. I never really paid attention to it or watched the local news to see if it is going to rain tomorrow. If I wanted to know what the weather was like I’d open my front door and stick my head outside. Now with my tablet and smartphone, well I find I am kind of addicted to following it. Looking at weather maps. How much rain did we have last night. How high were the winds.

    I can’t believe I am alone here and it has to be a huge money maker for the various weather services.

  51. 51.

    metricpenny

    April 25, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    They’re always funny and yours did not disappoint.

  52. 52.

    Litlebritdiftrnt

    April 25, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    @Tommy:

    We recently hired Thompson Reuters to build our website, about 27 conference calls to discuss the content. The cost $478.00. This millions of dollars to fix a damn website it bullshit.

  53. 53.

    Tommy

    April 25, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    @Litlebritdiftrnt: With a price tag of $300M (and I have not read the RFP) I am 99% sure they wanted a whole bunch of custom code written on the backend. Code where they could have used something that was open source and just tweaked it.

    That is what Obama did right with his campaigns sites. White House.gov. The Recovery Act site. They used Drupal, an open source web development program. Free. Then they tweaked it for their needs. No reason. None to start from scratch. But so many firms think they have to start from scratch.

    This causes a lot of other problems above just the cost. It takes longer. Oh and bugs. Things don’t work, cause well it isn’t an open source product that is tested by tens of thousands of people and fix almost on a daily basis my an army of programmers worldwide.

    But what do I know ….

  54. 54.

    Anne Laurie

    April 25, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    @Citizen_X:

    Wait, didn’t that make the town more polite?

    “An armed society is a polite society — ask any Iraqi / Afghan / Syrian / Somali!”

    (Back in the 1980s, at sf conventions with too many gun-fantasists like Orson Scott Card, we had pinback buttons that finished that sentence with ‘… ask any Lebanese!‘)

  55. 55.

    Anne Laurie

    April 25, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    @Tommy: The older I get, the more attention I pay to the weather. I’ve always had sinus/ear problems, so I realized by my late teens that falling barometric pressure (i.e., precipitation due) meant I’d get a headache, with the onset & severity of the headache roughly predicting the timing & violence of the upcoming rain/snow. Had a boss once with migraine problems severe enough that she always carried an injectible pen — I knew if I woke up with a weather headache, she’d be calling in sick that day. (After I pointed this out to her, she actually got one of those little barometric-pressure gauges for her home & another for the office, and it did help her schedule important meetings away from predictable bad migraine days.) Later I developed back problems, and now I’ve got an officially arthritic knee (on the opposite side from my congenitally displastic hip), and I can testify that the folk wisdom about achy joints — fluid expansion in the joint capsules — are unfortunately true…

    The other Farmers’ Almanac weirdness that I pay qualified attention to these days is the moon phase. Not so much for planting, but the couple days before & during a full moon really do have an effect on my variously crazy little rescue dogs. I used to work with dog obedience classes, every imaginable breed & condition from puppy-mill house pets coming in for basic training to pedigreed AKC obedience champions with advanced titles. And, when the weekly classes coincided with a full moon, an auditorium full of dogs was a great demo — even the experienced champions would get a little unpredictable and the newbies would be more of a handful…

  56. 56.

    Calming Influence

    April 25, 2014 at 10:00 pm

    I thought you were going for “just saying yo.”

  57. 57.

    SiubhanDuinne

    April 25, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    @Violet:

    Technically, the new law doesn’t take effect until July 1st. (I just didn’t want you waiting sadly by the phone.)

  58. 58.

    Roger Moore

    April 25, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    @Tommy:
    It could have been worse. They could have hired FYWP instead of Oracle.

  59. 59.

    Roger Moore

    April 25, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    @Tommy:

    Wow who shots a 86 year old man and his 90 year old wife.

    Read the whole story and you may not feel quite so much sympathy. According to the officer, the 86 year old man shot first, hitting the officer’s wife, and the 90 year old wife was going for his gun after he was shot. I’m not sure I believe the story, but it’s hard to find too much fault if it’s true.

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