Almost got into a fight today at the grocery store. I was walking through the parking lot in the pedestrian zone and this idiot in an SUV with a Don’t Tread on Me sticker (all I thought was “figures.”) almost ran over my foot in a rush to park illegally in the fire zone. I yelled at him “Watch where you are going, jackass!” Went in, got my cart and started to shop and this young meathead around 25 followed me and got in my face and said “You sure run your mouth, buddy” and I told him “I meant every word of it.” That seemed to piss him off more because I guess he is just used to intimidating people, so then he got like six inches away from me and started to say something and I cut him off and asked him if he was going to throw a punch, and he said “No, I just wanted to get in your face,” so I told him “Fine, then we’re done here.”
That really pissed him off, but since I already knew he was all talk, I just ignored him, when he yelled out “Fuck you, fat boy.” That just made me laugh (pissing him off more), and I immediately thought wow, he must not realize I own a mirror and know I am fat, and the boy part was equally funny because I had 20 years on the guy. I then blurted out “If I’m so fucking fat, how come your stupid ass didn’t see me in the crosswalk? Also kind of funny that the fat one manages to park his car in a spot rather than park illegally in the fire zone, but you probably didn’t think that through, either.”
His witty retort was “Go buy up the store, fat boy,” I responded “I can lose weight, but you’ll still be an asshole,” and started to walk away but he followed me and wasn’t paying attention to where he was going and walked into a vending machine. Which is what caused this problem in the first place- him not watching where the fuck he was going.
The whole thing was kind of funny, but there is just some sort of anger and manliness issue for all these teatards. Just a pent up hostility and a complete lack of recognition of cause and effect and the impact of their behavior on other people. The other thing is how these guys are all talk. You hunt me down in a grocery store to get in my face and call me fat? WOOOOO.
Actually thought about the fact that this clown is so lucky Shawn was not here, because Shawn is not a talker.
Villago Delenda Est
John, that “Don’t Tread on Me” advice should be followed, because you don’t want to track shit all over the place after stomping his ass.
srv
I wish there was a war we could send him off to.
Baud
I love reading these father and son interactions.
SatanicPanic
The part where he walked into a vending machine must have been pretty satisfying.
beltane
@srv: I’m sure he would pull a Ted Nugent if he were ever called to serve.
And yes, they get very, very angry when you laugh at them. They are like badly raised 4 year olds.
Arclite
That kid probably would have quipped about you two being a couple, in less polite language. Not sure how Shawn would have taken that.
BillinGlendaleCA
@srv: He’d have “other priorities”.
Long Tooth
“..since I already knew he was all talk..”.
You entered famous last wordsburg territory thinking along that line, Cole.
Pogonip
Sic the cat on him! Just whisper, “Steve, you see that moron over there who just walked into the vending machine? He has a razor for your rear…”
BillinGlendaleCA
I believe that you just gave the definition of a Libertarian.
StringOnAStick
Every single interaction I’ve had with an owner of a car with that stupid bumper sticker has always ended with me thinking “what a selfish asshole”. Every. Single. One.
John Cole
@Long Tooth: This isn’t Florida, and when someone gets in your face and you point out ask them if they are looking for a fight and going to throw a punch, and they say no, and they are wearing t-shirt and shorts and not carrying, you’re on pretty solid ground.
Plus, one of the solid benefits of being a 6’1″ “fat boy” is if you just don’t back up when they get in your face they think twice.
Narcissus
That sort would never have approached two men.
JPL
So Gerry Adams was arrested for a murder in ’72 and as bad as Cole’s day was, I have a feeling that Peter King’s was worse. Adams was the only terrorist that Rep. King respected.
danimal
I’m just glad you still can call an asshole an asshole. The “I love you, man” persona you have recently adopted is healthier and better for you as a person, but we come here for the righteous indignation and hilarity that follows.
dp
Not to encourage random public violence, but good for you.
jharp
The asshole is lucky he didn’t get shot. Or is that only in Florida?
Trollhattan
Held your cool a lot better than I would have (although it would have been instructive to go all Karl Tanner on him). How is it that parking lots seem to be the site of such considerable amounts of jack-assery? Somebody should do a study.
? Martin
Take a picture of his SUV in the fire zone. Make sure you get the license plate. Email it to the police. They’ve got nothing better to do than hassle people, so might as well get them focused on the right people.
? Martin
@jharp:
John didn’t mention whether he was black.
Highway Rob
@StringOnAStick: Do you suppose there’s money to be made selling sneaker/boot print stickers for people to paste overtop the Don’t Tread On Me stickers?
BGinCHI
I always memorize license plates just in case I see the jackass’s vehicle later on.
What goes around…..
Pogonip
@BGinCHI: Then if you see it, take a key and write PARKS IN FIRE LANE on the side in big letters.
Anne Laurie
@Highway Rob: You used to be able to buy stickers that said
Those would be useful for all sorts of bumper-based dominance posturing…
MomSense
Sometimes I wish I were a 6’1″ “fat boy”. Unfortunately, when you are a slight female these teahadis can bully and threaten without any fear. Has happened to me. This is why I am now studying martial arts.
WereBear
I laughed so hard at that.
raven
Last time that happened to me the guy was half my age and a good bit bigger. I got right in his grill and it was obvious after a second he didn’t want to jam. I decided that it was time for me to get a little input so I went to a counselor who helped me sort shit out and to try to stay out of that kind of thing. It was 10 years ago and I’ve done pretty well but I always fight that “ask him if he really wants to fight and drill him while he answers” that my old man taught me. Shit is rarely worth it.
LanceThruster
Some mornings I wake up and just want to start killing people, but there’d be so many people I’d have to kill. I don’t have that kind of energy.
~ Margaret Smith.
khead
@BGinCHI:
Cell phone
Edit: Uh, I’m a bit behind.
Craigo
Is this the Kroger in Wheeling, John? Because it’s not the first or the second time I’ve seen this sort of thing happen there, and I’ve only been a customer for two years.
Still not as bad as the Whole Foods or Market District in Shadyside. Yuppies can be such entitled assholes.
Roger Moore
@Anne Laurie:
The sticker I have but still have not had a chance to use are these “Actual Size” ones. They aren’t as generically useful, but I can certainly imagine some creative uses.
cokane
heh don’t tread on me as he almost runs someone over,
raven
@MomSense: 6’1″ ain’t what it used to be.
Linda Featheringill
“Fuck you, fat boy.”
I think I remember a story about the teenaged John Cole running from his dad and shouting something like You’ll never catch me, fat man.
Karma, she is a bitch. :-)
MomSense
@cokane:
It’s always projection with these guys.
MomSense
@raven:
And I got some moves!
Jay C
@JPL:
1972 was a long time ago, but at least the McConville family might, finally get some sort of closure. Also, reminding the world that Irish violence and “domestic terrorism” wasn’t (and isn’t) the sort of over-romanticized noble-boyos-fighting-the-good-fight BS too many of its (safely remote) cheerleaders – like Peter King – would like us to believe.
raven
@MomSense: Get inside and go for the solar plexus.
mellowjohn
be careful, john. yesterday in chicago two 14 year-old girls – former friends – got in a heated beef over a boy. one of them pulled a gun and shot and killed the other girl and wounded a by-stander.
you never know when one of these idiots will be packing and decide to “stand their ground.”
Tone In DC
@? Martin:
LULz. Amen to that.
OzarkHillbilly
Last time I had an altercation in a grocery store, it was some young black kid about 22-23, 6-0, 180+ in South Side STL. Would have killed me. I was 40+, 5-8, and my fighting weight was about 150. I was working steady at the time so I was in shape, but… Anyway, as usual, running at the mouth, I didn’t say a word. Just stood there and looked at him. Eventually I realized everybody else had cleared out for 3 or 4 check out lanes in both directions, customers, cashiers, every one. At that point I finally realized this punk was wearing colors. Too pissed off, I didn’t care.
Long story short, without my ever saying a word, he backed down. I have heard that I can be very intimidating, when I yell and even more so when I don’t. I’d like to think that was what did it but I suspect it was probably an off duty cop working security, and heading our way.
Ash Can
I just wanted to frame that and look at it again.
And good for you, Cole.
Manyakitty
@Highway Rob: That is BRILLIANT. I would buy one.
Hungry Joe
When in similar situations I come up with a lot better, and a lot funnier, retorts than those. Yeah, by the time I’ve driven home and had about 1.5 beers I’m in the final editing stage, and once they’re polished I replay them in my head for months. Years, even.
Still, it’s a good thing I can’t think on my feet, because my feet support a 5’10”, 155-lb frame held together by bread-bag ties. One punch and I’d be in the ER. (And if it was my punch, I’d be in the ER with a broken hand.)
So, Cole: You spoke for me. Good on ya.
BGinCHI
@Pogonip: I usually go with DICK.
Roger Moore
@Craigo:
Everyone knows the absolute worst parking lots are the ones for Trader Joe’s. They actually look for places with insufficient parking because it lets them get into neighborhoods with less competition and the rents are usually cheaper than places with adequate parking. This has been policy from day one, as anyone who has visited the original Trader Joe’s can tell you.
The Thin Black Duke
@raven: Yeah, but you know it ain’t the size that counts, it’s the attitude.
Iowa Old Lady
I have tremendous respect for all aspects of how you handled that. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but just reading about it scared me. But then, I’m 5’2″, 110 pounds, and 66 years old. So he probably wouldn’t have come after me physically.
Cacti
Cole, it sounds like we share a similar temperment in our real world personalities.
When some nitwit starts jawing at me, I jaw back and not in a friendly banter sort of way.
It hasn’t led to blows, but it’s come close on a few occasions.
raven
@The Thin Black Duke: Yep, most people want nothing to do with the real deal.
Howard Beale IV
@MomSense: Here’s a quick lesson: anyone attacks you, go for the side of the lower ribs-it’s weak and hurts like hell when it breaks.
Needless to say this also works on one half the population.
The Dangerman
@raven:
For a woman, go for taking out a knee (it isn’t hard to do) so he can’t run you down. You may win Round 1 but you don’t want a Round 2.
raven
@The Dangerman: Well, we know the real target now don’t we?
MomSense
@raven:
I like the way you think but that’s a little advanced for me. I’m at the hard kick to the kneecap stage.
ETA: I see you got there first.
Cacti
@The Dangerman:
For a woman, go for taking out a knee (it isn’t hard to do) so he can’t run you down.
Or an openhanded strike across the throat.
Can’t chase you if he’s gasping for breath.
Ksmiami
Geez can’t we all just be Canadians or something?
Pogonip
@BGinCHI: Succinct!
SMALL DICK might also be relevant.
MomSense
@Howard Beale IV:
HA! You just made my 10 year old very happy!
WereBear
I took a self-defense class and learned how to break someone’s collarbones.
Just FYI.
It’s difficult for anyone to land a punch then.
Funny thing: our final exam was 1) Intimidation, 2) Defense & 3) Offense.
I was last… but the testing instructor said my Intimidation was so good he didn’t need to be thrown on the mat :)
The Dangerman
@Cacti:
Also effective; if you can get to that neighborhood and don’t want to go the the neighborhood raven endorses, make a fist, push out your middle finger knuckle a little bit, and hit the fucker in the eye (an eye poke hurts like you can’t believe)…
Tone In DC
@Hungry Joe:
My sense of humor largely disappears when I get into it with somebody. Years ago, I lost it on some asshole in Georgetown. Friends of mine looked surprised after the confrontation was over. I’ll say it like this, I suppose any Nice Guy can turn into Not So Nice Guy if he’s pushed.
Iowa Old Lady
Cripes, you people are tough.
Cacti
@MomSense:
Also too, a kick to the groin isn’t necessarily the most effective strike against a male assailant.
The family jewels are shielded by the thighs, and a shot to them will only hurt a lot if you’re able to land cleanly and smash them up against the pubic bone.
Too graphic? lol
muddy
I was in the supermarket and there was a kid whining and shrieking and carrying on while sitting in the front of a cart. The mom wasn’t addressing it. I stuck my tongue out at the kid. She was shocked to silence and then stuck her tongue out at me. NOW the mother decides she need to say something to the kid, and says not to stick the tongue out. The girl protests that I did it first!
I looked shocked, shocked !! at this suggestion. The mother scolds the child roundly. I felt a teeny bit bad, because I did start it, but I decided the child needed to be quelled anyway, so it was fair enough. Then when the mother turned back around I stuck my tongue out at the kid again.
Calouste
@John Cole:
You know that those folks are carrying when they have a bulge in their shorts. Only one way that could happen…
And props for an alternative take on Churchill’s “Ma’am, you’re ugly, and tomorrow morning I will be sober” quip.
eemom
Being a native New Yorker, I’ve never hesitated to verbally confront people engaging in overt public assholery. I’ve never worried about it devolving into a physical fight, but I guess that’s a woman thing.
Also eedad, who grew up in southern VA instead of NYC, is always pointing out that the person might be armed. That didn’t used to occur to me either.
MomSense
@Cacti:
Mom of three here. Takes a lot to shock me.
WereBear
People with what Blackadder calls “dangly bits” are very adept at deflecting such attacks.
Feint at the groin, go for the solar plexus.
Omnes Omnibus
@Cacti: And any guy who has been in a fight knows that going for the groin is a “Come at the king, you best not miss” situation.
Iowa Old Lady
@eemom: I grew up in the city of Detroit. It always occurs to me that the person might have a gun.
raven
@Omnes Omnibus: yup
max
The whole thing was kind of funny, but there is just some sort of anger and manliness issue for all these
teatardsRepublicans.Fixed. Anyways, did you not ever figure out that that’s what that whole Iraq war thing was about? Along with the whole thing with Clinton & Obama being gay and so on, or, for that matter, the drooling over executions?
I mean, it’s so brave to capture some guy and then be so scared of him you have to lock him up in isolation in a cell in a prison camp on the ass end of communist Cuba while refusing to admit that you’ve done that. Which kind of goes along with the whole thing about finding a black guy (mutually) boning a white woman and having fifteen guys drag the motherfucker out and hang him.
A far cry from a fair fight between two guys with knives, and somebody wins and somebody dies.
Stylistically, there does seem to be a change from some decades ago, with the loud pro-wrestling style of talking endless streams of bullshit, but the effects are still pretty much the same old shit.
max
[‘Strange that the richer the upper-crusties get, the less class anyone has.’]
CONGRATULATIONS!
I hate it when the little fuckers start shit. I really do. Fighting is tiring and I’m big enough that I always win. Not Cole girth, but taller and fewer previous injuries. But I avoid this shit like the plague if I can. The odds go up real fast that something will go to shit and somebody – more likely everyone involved – ends up in court. No Thank You.
This guy sounds like roid rage. Usually idiots who start fights with people larger than them are drunk. One of the few exceptions to that rule that I know of are the morons who take steroids. Even the methheads almost always know better.
theotherwa
@muddy: You are delightfully evil. Come sit by me.
Roger Moore
@Iowa Old Lady:
I wouldn’t count on that protecting you. Assholes will be assholes, and bullies will be bullies, and those bullies are most prone to bully people they think aren’t likely to resist. Of course, you might not have yelled at the guy in the parking lot so he’d feel a need to go after you.
scav
@Roger Moore: TJ’s parking? Agree with small for first in Chicago, definitely disagree for first in Santa Barbara, don’t remember the Pasadena one, mom was in charge of getting the trail mix at that point. Ah, yes, One that just went in in Pittsford had serious parking, so I’m thinking it depends on what’s available in the local market.
Litlebritdiftrnt
Keys through the fingers. When the Yorkshire Ripper was rampant all of us girls were taught the keys through the fingers trick. You take your clutch of keys and slide one through each finger when you are walking home alone. Anyone who approaches you aggressively you smack them in the face with the keys. That shit hurts. It is a knuckleduster to the nth degree. Works like a charm.
bemused
@muddy:
That was beautiful.
Howard Beale IV
@MomSense: Yep-they do go there on occasion.
Ash Can
@muddy: That sounds like a scene out of a W.C. Fields movie. Love it!
JPL
@Cacti: You are absolutely right cuz those jewels aren’t that big.
@muddy: funny
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@WereBear: Yup. Feint to the jewels, hit the solar plexus, because without serious skill you’re not gonna get the nuts. And they’re never expecting solar plexus or lower ribs from a female, (or a chop to the throat for that matter).
I can usually back the youth down with attitude, but some of the more “mature” (in chron terms only) ones I might need to strike. About 15 years ago I was meeting some folks (including vice cops) in a bar in a marginal neighborhood, just before dusk. On my way there from the car, 3 late teens are walking the opposite was and see “older lady in a suit” (fun to intimidate!). So at about 45 feet out they converge and puff up their chests, smirking. I keep walking, looking right at them, unconcerned. They get to about 10 feet out and spread back out, and by the time our paths cross, they give me a generous berth. I crossed the street and to the now-snickering off duty police “thanks for all the help there buddy.” His reply was “you seemed to have it under control, but I kept my radio close in case they needed medical attention.” Everybody’s a fucking comedian.
But, in fact, many actual punks know who’s not worth fucking around with, even if we’re female. Twatfinks like the guy who started jawing at Cole never have a clue.
@muddy: That was cold. But totally funny, and effective. Still, cold – what did you teach that kid?!!
The Dangerman
@CONGRATULATIONS!:
I’ve never been in a fight but I’ve prevented some (mostly on the basketball court); 6’7″ and reasonable shape has it’s advantages ;-)
jl
Wow. I will remember the tips here in case I ever need them.
We need a special post where BJers can give all their streetfighter and brawling tips.
Even times when a car has tried to bum rush me into eternity in a parking lot, I’d never yell aggressively. If the person is close enough, I might just tell them that they need to drive more carefully.
For me, even attempting some kind of verbal smackdown is more trouble than its worth. If someone starts escalating some BS towards a fight, then I am glad for cell phones. If it’s a guy (and it is almost always a guy) I just tell them I am done with them, and they get lost or I call the cops.
I can’t help chuckling and shaking my head at some clowns, and yes, that kind of attitude really sets some people off the deep end. And that has been enough to get some idiot considering road rage (for something HE did) up in my face a couple of times.
theotherwa
@Litlebritdiftrnt: I’d forgotten about that trick. Thanks for the reminder.
JPL
The only time that I actually was really concerned was at dusk in an urban area when several young men got in front of my car. It was light enough that they could see my eyes close and my engine rev, and I left. For those with doubts, yes, I would have hit them.
muddy
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): I taught the girl not to trust strangers! And that it’s not just kids that can be brats. Probably useful going forward.
jl
@theotherwa: Just tried out the keys through the fingers with my set. Lookin’ good!
I suppose it is OK for guys to use it too (for defensive purposes only, of course)
Mike in NC
When we lived in NoVA one night I stopped at a 7-11 to buy beer or cigarettes or whatever, when out of nowhere some staggering drunk appeared and complained about where I’d parked. Rather than ignore the idiot and go into the store, I realized he might vandalize my car so I just drove to another 7-11.
JPL
@muddy: In GA older folks just smack the kids. That doesn’t work as well cuz it involves the police and such.
Shana
@Roger Moore: Well… that explains a lot.
Mike in NC
@jl: No, dammit! You need to buy a Bushmaster.
/ Wayne LaPierre
eemom
Further to what I said above, I think — could be wrong — that when it’s just a case of calling someone out for being an asshole, a woman can do that with less fear of a physical altercation than a man.
Of course, that’s got nothing to do with the many more situations where we are at a disadvantage.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@muddy: If she learned adults can be brats and dishonest, thee you’ve done her a great service.
newwave
Wholy fuk, the most that ever happens to me is some granny cuts me off with her left turn signal permanently on. Sound pretty ahhh…interesting down there in purple states. Life is just too short for that BS. Move to Seattle or somewhere in Colorado, smoke legal weed and get on with our life
tBone
@The Thin Black Duke:
And sometimes the skill. Since, as my 22-year-old self can attest, sometimes the cocky little fucker that barely reaches your collarbone turns out to be a semipro boxer who will whip your stupid, drunken ass after you land one punch.
Mike in NC
I used to notice assholes who insisted on taking up two parking spaces, but lately I’ve actually seen some who take up four spaces with their van or pickup.
muddy
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): Plus I did the whole store a service because no one wants to hear that shit. I never tolerated that bullshit from mine. Once we were in the checkout line and my son starts up asking for something I have already vetoed. I said, Do I need to Look at you? Noo, noo, sorry Mom! Another woman says, That’s all you have to do? My kid says, You haven’t seen The Look! It’s the deadeye!
I sounds really mean, but kids generally love me, go figure. Not that one little girl tho! lol
Rex Everything
I would have curb-stomped the punk. But then I’m 7′ 12″ and fucking ripped. (AND I have a ginormous dong.)
ilsa lund
Walking into the vending machine was funny, as were your retorts to this idiot, but I for one am very glad Shawn wasn’t there. If there is one thing law school taught me, it’s never give an asshole grounds to sue or make an arrest. If Shawn would have assaulted this jerk, Shawn would have been the one arrested and charged with assault. Sorry to be so literal, but it’s scary how the bully can become the victim, however wrong that may be. Kudos to you for not letting this tiny person get to you.
muddy
@Mike in NC: I like to leave notes for these people. “Next time leave me a fucking can opener” etc. The best thing is to put it under the wiper on the passenger side. They’ll get in the car, then see it, and have to get back out and go around to get it.
Roger Moore
@scav:
I’ll agree that TJs won’t turn down a place with lots of parking, but they’re pretty aggressive at finding places where the parking is terrible. The original TJs (on Arroyo Parkway in Pasadena) has the most miserable excuse for a parking lot I can remember; it has maybe 20 spaces for the whole store, and they can only fit that many by making them really narrow. I can’t remember shopping there without plenty of shoppers clogging the neighborhood streets looking for street parking. That has been a big part of their approach ever since.
Omnes Omnibus
@Roger Moore: It also means you can find them in towns and cities, not just in the strip mall wastelands on the edges. Some people can actually walk to them.
Bobby Thomson
@? Martin:
Clearly, you haven’t thought this through.
muddy
@Roger Moore: I’m not at all surprised to hear it. We are getting the 1st one in Vermont shortly. They chose a lot in the area of worst traffic and least parking, and best of all it’s right across the street from another natural food store. When I saw it I didn’t think they could pick a worse spot. Incredible.
Violet
This post made everyone in my household howl with laughter. The guy walking into the vending machine was priceless. What is it with these idiots and their issues with their manly bits?
trollhattan
@Mike in NC:
At my previous job an eff-one-fiddy ALWAYS took five spaces. Luckily it wasn’t a crowded lot. Was curious as to what made that particular truck sooooooo special.
GregB
Did his ‘don’t tread on me’ sticker cover over his old ‘support the troops’ yellow ribbon, or was it placed next to it?
Honus
@Craigo: There’s a Whole Foods in Shadyside? Man, you really can’t go home again. Next you’ll tell me they’re opening a Fresh Market in Moundsville where the Peso Club used to be.
trollhattan
@Roger Moore: I swear it’s their damn business model.
Bobby Thomson
@Howard Beale IV: I always liked this particular execution (at 2:11)
http://youtu.be/d7YU2WI_HQE
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@muddy: That made me cackle. That deadeye can work on adults too. I’ve been told I have that look.
scav
@Omnes Omnibus: They also were fairly early with the non massive box suburban stores that the larger chains are suddenly rediscovering as a trend. The parking at the whole paycheck (forget the neighborhood, fairly near the Brown line) they crammed into Chicago is similarly shit. Welcome to being urban. There’s an underlying logic to their locational strategy, certain people are always disadvantaged.
Howard Beale IV
@Bobby Thomson: Yep. Almost as good as Butch….
Woodrowfan
Trader Joes Parking: huh, that would explain the TJs in Falls Church. Parking is awful there. It’s not a lot better at the Whole Foods across the street.
Roger Moore
@trollhattan:
I had always been suspicious about it, but then I saw a business book about TJs and they spelled it out that it is absolutely part of their business model. They know their shoppers are unusually loyal and willing to put up with some annoyance to get to the store, so they are willing to look at locations that are unsuitable for traditional supermarkets. They look for places that are too small, inconveniently located, and/or don’t have enough parking for a regular supermarket in order to save on rent, knowing that their customers will tolerate extra inconvenience to shop there.
some yuppie cracker
This post is classic.
Anne Laurie
@The Dangerman: My old man — a working-class street fighter back in the days before every gangsta wannabe carried a gun — always said that, if your opponent was bigger or younger, go for a knee strike and then run.
If you couldn’t run, the next step was nutting — feint a knee strike, grab clothing in the collar region, and smash his nose as hard as you could with your forehead. Hurts like hell, but your assailant will bleed like a stuck pig and also be in pain, and you’ve got the element of surprise on your side. Also, it discourages the average bystander from stepping in on the wrong side of the argument, since you’ve just demonstrated that you don’t mind getting hurt…
scav
@Roger Moore: Yes, chosing one option versus another characterized by the “extra” inconvenience of getting to that large parking lotted location that benefits impatient parkers. They’re minimizing rent also taking into account other factors and customer loyalty.
Omnes Omnibus
@Anne Laurie: The good old Glasgow kiss.
John Cole
@ilsa lund: Shawn has never hit anyone first that I know of. He just responds brutally. If that guy had laid a hand on me it would have been bad for him, but knowing this kind of guy, he never would have if there were two of us. Plus, it would have been Shawn yelling at him because the prick would have almost hit him, too.
Anne Laurie
@Omnes Omnibus: Well, my ancestors were Scottish, Irish, and by phenotypy Viking — bred for high foreheads & thick skulls.
And the temperaments to go with them.
gogol's wife
@WereBear:
The story is so beautifully told.
kc
Point him out. I’ll beat his ass.
chopper
@scav:
for shit parking in Santa Barbara try the whole foods. Can’t even fit a compact down this aisles.
Omnes Omnibus
@chopper: I guess that I have lived in urban environments for too long. I have no expectation of finding decent parking anywhere.
John Weiss
@BillinGlendaleCA: Bill, I agree. Cudos!
Runningonfumes
Way to stand your ground fat boy.
Runningonfumes
@LanceThruster: nor do I have enough ammo.
Mike in NC
@Woodrowfan: Trader Joe’s seems to gravitate towards providing bad parking spaces. The one in Falls Church was crappy; not much better at Bailey’s Crossroads, but the location in Wilmington, NC was truly designed by a sadist. “You can’t get there from here” at the worst intersection in the city.
James Parente
@John Cole: John, I totally agree that the more talk from an asshole the bigger the coward they are. 10 or so years ago, while heading crosstown on 32nd St, I witnessed an asshole in a large SUV nearly take out an entire family in a crosswalk. I leaned out my window and screamed at him that he was a total jerk and he should take up another form of transportation. The usual pleasantries followed and he told me that he was going to grab his “piece” and put 5 in my chest. That really pissed me off and I proceeded to inform him that he was a loud mouth and a coward and I told him to go ahead! (probably not a good thing) . His fat white ass started to sputter and spit and he parted with a very articulate “Well… F.U. queer.” I continued to laugh and call him a coward as he fumbled and sputtered into his gas guzzler. I guessed he figured that I was crazier and more pissed off than he was.
I am glad I was right about my read of the loudmouth. BTW, I don’t do this anymore. Breath is too precious to waste on a RWNJ.
Culture of Truth
Indeed, strike to the bridge of the nose, by fist, palm, or forhead works. even the biggest man has small bones in his nose. Eaiser to find than groin.
Culture of Truth
Game of Thrones:
“You’re a talker…. Talkers make thirsty.”
Omnes Omnibus
@Culture of Truth: Bron?
Culture of Truth
Imagine hundreds of these idiots all bumping into each other, with no one else around to fight.
Sounds like the Bundy Ranch about now. LOL.
Skepticat
@Highway Rob: Great idea!
And as I suffer from l’esprit de l’escalier, my usual response in a situation such as this is to say, “How kind of you to say so.”
Culture of Truth
@Omnes Omnibus: No, that was The Hound. He’s like Shawn. Not much of a talker either.
Omnes Omnibus
@Culture of Truth: That would have been my second guess.
SiubhanDuinne
@Mike in NC:
I see a fair amount of that in the north Atlanta suburbs. It used to be just stretch limos or long trailers, but recently I’ve seen SUVs and vans actually parked perpendicularly or at least diagonally, to the parking lines, taking up several spaces. Can’t think how that’s remotely legal.
Culture of Truth
— L’esprit de L’escalier
— Fête de L’escalade
Omnes Omnibus
@Culture of Truth: Quoi?
Culture of Truth
@Omnes Omnibus: You know how Bron became a knight?
chopper
@Omnes Omnibus:
shrug. my first thought about the complaints about TJ’s parking was, the one in Brooklyn doesn’t even have a lot. you have to park on the street, usually 8 blocks away. or wait 40 minutes for your bus. not the other buses, those come by every 5 minutes. but *your* bus.
Culture of Truth
@Omnes Omnibus: the phrase ’esprit de L’escalier’ it made me think of the festival.
Citizen_X
@Ksmiami:
Pah. One time that I almost got into a fight, and the last time I did get into a fight, it was with Canadians (who had started it, mind you).
Omnes Omnibus
@Culture of Truth: The chain.
Omnes Omnibus
@Citizen_X: My right elbow is a mess because of a Canadian.
Mnemosyne
@Roger Moore:
They’re building one four blocks from our apartment, which means I don’t have to worry about the parking (or lack thereof). Though it will probably mess up traffic at that intersection.
Citizen_X
@SiubhanDuinne:
And I can’t think how anyone seeing you slash their tires would turn you in.
Citizen_X
@Omnes Omnibus: Yah. Canadians are peaceful? Watch a hockey game sometime!
Culture of Truth
@Omnes Omnibus: I was going to say, “killed the right people.”
Luthe
@Roger Moore: The question is how they get away with it zoning-wise. Most places these days have utterly ridiculous standards for how much parking any given use needs. /thinks too much about pre-existing uses, as-of-right development, parking regs, and the like
Omnes Omnibus
@Citizen_X: Buy a set of generic steak knives and some rubber gloves with cash – preferably in a store that isn’t connected with the parking lot.. Do not touch the knives with your bare hands. Put on the gloves. Stick one steak knife into the sidewall of each tire and leave it there. Toss the gloves in a dumpster somewhere else.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@Omnes Omnibus: Advice from a client surely.
Omnes Omnibus
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): Thought experiment.
GHayduke (formerly lojasmo)
@Cacti:
Shot to the trachea. Of course, if not careful, it’s pretty easy to kill a person that way.
Lizzy L
@Omnes Omnibus: I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve wanted to do this. Many, many. Never have, though.
Omnes Omnibus
@Lizzy L: That exact plan? GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
MsSKWEsq
@mellowjohn: I was thinking the same thing. Be careful they aren’t armed. And he may have a gun in the car and will lay in wait for you. Just be careful.
Lurking Buffoon
This entire thread is perhaps the greatest thing on BJ. Ever. I can’t say I’ve had to put up much with assholes trying to intimidate me, but I’m not old enough yet to be seen as easy prey and I’m probably bigger than most people trying to do the intimidating.
Also Cole, you have my respect for making a joke out of the entire damn thing. That’s really the best response to anyone trying to piss off/intimidate/otherwise start shit with you. Their crap just rolls off and pisses them off further. If ever there’s a NYCish meetup I can make, I’ll buy you a drink.
eemom
@Omnes Omnibus:
dude, as you well know, that is SO uncool under the applicable lawyer behavioral concepts. What are you trying to do, annihilate my last pitiful shred of respect for our profession?
Omnes Omnibus
@eemom: As I said before, it is a thought experiment. My thought experiments on larger crimes will remain in my head.
kuvasz
You would be very surprised what one can do with a few years of doing tai chi daily. It seems it is very good for close-in combat. Those hand flapping exercises are intended for breaking bones if done correctly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp2jWeaKrqI
BethanyAnne
@Roger Moore: for a while, you could get Wikipedia-style “citation needed” stickers. Outdoor advertising was a suggested target.
muddy
@Omnes Omnibus: What if there wasn’t actual damage? Like if you took your tire gauge and let the air out of their tire(s), so it would just be a hassle for them.
Glidwrith
@GHayduke (formerly lojasmo): No one has mentioned ears yet. Cup your hands and strike right over the ears. Even a glancing blow is painful, full on strike and you will burst the ear drums.
Another good strike, especially if you are wearing heels is to stomp the foot and break the instep.
Last, once you start (speaking to the ladies), do not stop until you are sure they can’t get up and get you. Most women don’t have the mass or stamina to take a hit from a guy.
Omnes Omnibus
@muddy: My thought experiment did not extend to that.
justawriter
@Highway Rob: I’d buy one. I always thought I should carry gay pride stickers for when I see “Kiss My Rebel Ass” bumper stickers.
BethanyAnne
@eemom: 2nd year at Burning Man, I made friends with a nice Quaker lady from Brooklyn. Someone groped her at the night of the burn. She turned around to a guy about 14 inches taller – and knocked him to the ground with one punch. I told her “You know you fucked up when a Quaker clocks your ass”. Always figured the New Yorker won out over the Quaker that evening.
AnotherBruce
If you ever get into a headlock, take the little finger and bend it backwards.
Eric U.
@Omnes Omnibus: tire core tool is far superior to steak knives. Of course, you have to core two tires or they can get home with just a spare. Unless it’s a newer car that has no spare
Rafer Janders
Elbows and forearms and knees, people. Hard as hell and they hurt like fuck when they connect.
As an example, if you’re close in, use one hand to grab the guy by the side of the head, and then slam your other arm’s forearm and elbow into the other side of his head. It will ring his bell good and hard.
And if it comes to a grapple, nothing like bringing your knee up into sharp rapid contact with his nose.
Mnemosyne
@Omnes Omnibus:
What I’m looking for is a way to damage all four tires in such a way that it causes a slow enough leak that the person ends up getting stranded on the highway or in traffic rather than in a nice comfy parking lot where they can easily call for assistance. Any thoughts?
Omnes Omnibus
@Mnemosyne: The steak knives. Slow leak. Who is going to notice unless they really are a car person? Can’t be repaired; must be replaced.
Mnemosyne
@Omnes Omnibus:
I would think that even the most unobservant person would notice steak knives in their tires before they drive away, or at least before they leave the parking lot, since the handles would be hitting the wheel wells. Or are you picturing sticking them into the back of the tire where they would be less noticeable?
Omnes Omnibus
@Mnemosyne: No. Stick ’em in the outside. People with bags and shit in their hands will just put the stuff in the back of the vehicle. Then they will drive off.
different-church-lady
You really don’t press your advantages, Mr. Cole.
Lurking Buffoon
@kuvasz: Most of the martial arts schools I’ve been to have involved practicing attacks in slow motion, the idea being that doing it slowly improves your precision with the moves. A sloppy kick won’t do too much damage and will probably leave an opening an opponent could exploit, so if you focus on it when going as slow as possible you’ll learn to be less sloppy. So Tai Chi being highly dangerous when done at combat speed is not surprising at all.
Omnes Omnibus
@different-church-lady: He drove a tank in the army. Do not presume that this means that he is a bad ass killing machine.
different-church-lady
Developer: “You’re drunk!”
W.C. Fields: “Yeah, and you’re crazy; and I’ll be sober tomorrow and … you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life!”
different-church-lady
@Omnes Omnibus: I’m assuming Cole’s had at least rudimentary training in hand-to-hand combat. I’m not assuming he’s any good at it, but I am assuming it’s still more than junior’s had.
Joey Maloney
@SiubhanDuinne:
When I was younger and more stupid I used to carry a valve stem puller for cases like that. You love those parking spaces? Good, because you’re going to be there for awhile. And, no permanent damage to the guy’s penis substitute.
Joey Maloney
Rats, used the P-word. Again:
@SiubhanDuinne:
When I was younger and more stupid I used to carry a valve stem puller for cases like that. You love those parking spaces? Good, because you’re going to be there for awhile. And, no permanent damage to the guy’s p-word substitute.
Omnes Omnibus
@different-church-lady: Okay. I can tell you that it isn’t much. I learned far more in my year of Aikido lessons than the army ever taught me. But training for tank drivers may well be different than that provided to officer candidates.
Zirgar
LMAO–this post made my day.
Anne Laurie
@Glidwrith:
We used to refer to the “Irish Jump Start” — cup hand over one ear, smack other ear with a cupped palm. I don’t think any of us on the playground ever managed to blow out an opponent’s eardrum(s), but it did get the miscreant’s attention…
TerryC
@muddy: “I like to leave notes for these people. “Next time leave me a fucking can opener” etc. The best thing is to put it under the wiper on the passenger side. They’ll get in the car, then see it, and have to get back out and go around to get it.”
Print your note on an 8.5×11″ sheet of labels and apply them in a mosaic on the windshield. I think I invented that. :)
libarbarian
Once when I was walking to my car after work I suddenly found myself surrounded by around a dozen ninjas.
They attacked me one at a time and I dispatched them with cool efficiency.
Then I went and had a beer.
Paul in KY
@Arclite: Wish I could be there to see how Shawn would take it.
LAC
This is the greatest post. Not only the story and the self defense tips, but reading the ironic celebration of real rage (hello,Betty cracker).
I have not gotten in any serious confrontations with folks at stores aside from the usual issues. I usually give the deadeye and sometimes being a black woman with that stare is enough. :-). My dad was a black belt sensei and so we learned some things that I never used, thank god.
Interrobang
I laughed out loud at the “walked into a vending machine” part, and I’m at work.
boatboy_srq
Entitlement. Plain and simple. The world will be what they want it to be, accommodate them, encourage them, and allow them to grift along comfortably while all those Other People do their bidding and keep out of their way.
NoVA has a surprisingly large Teahadist population. Most of them work for contractors to the federal sector (quelle surprise). They hog the lanes on the street and at the grocery, obstruct the doors on Metro cars, jaywalk, and generally behave like #ssh0les. Yet somehow that makes them better than all the ordinary, tax-paying, law-abiding citizenry around them.
The part I (don’t really) love most about them is their willingness to abide by ridiculous HOA bylaws and pay stupid-level HOA fees – all while whinging constantly about taxes and regulations.
J R in WV
@SiubhanDuinne:
Having a big truck now, an F-250 4-door long bed – which replaced a totaled F-350 – I usually will need to take up at least 2 parking spots wherever I go.
So I park on the absolute outside of the lot, or if vehicles seem really sparse, I will park 6 or 8 spaces out past the farthest parked car. Sometimes when I get back there are more cars and it looks like I was greedy about my space, but I can’t shrink the truck.
I HAVE seen shiny suburban trucks that have never seen dirt OR worked hard parked taking up 4 places, don’t have much respect for that, especially near the entrance to the store.
And Corvettes, which aren’t that big. Go figure!
ThresherK
That seemed to piss him off more because I guess he is just used to intimidating people.
The thing that gets me is that real-life non-entities get to play bully while in a car. (Better yet, a truck northwards of 4500lb.)
I mean, a bully is a bully, but there’s just something chuckleworthy about someone who doesn’t even rise to the level of playground bully except when he (and I mean “he”) is his truck.
Trinity
Cole FTW!
Chaplain Weasle
But they *are* all taLonand they don’t know what to do when their bullying doesn’t work. They also laughingly don’t think liberals have guns (which to me, as an ACTUAL SOCIALIST – well Trotskyist, but that’s not EVEN CLOSE to being on their radar – is sooo weird! I was raised with Lyudmila Pavlichenko as a hero, so yeah I’m pro-gun ownership by appropriate individuals). Anyway, back to the point:
Back before I was doing as well in PTSD therapy as I am now, I wouldn’t seek out confrotation, but I wasn’t afraid of anything much either, and I actually walked around with a knife in my combat boot and a rifle buried under all the [email protected] piled up behind the seats in my truck.
People like these teatards judge books by their cover – they looked @ me and see a 5’4″ person who weighed a little over 100lbs…
It never occurs to them that all the people they sent to fight their wars or who live in the total poverty they relegate so many of us to by their selfish economic policies are walking around with untreated PTSD & other issues ready to throw down at a moments’ notice & aren’t intimidated by words or yelling because we’ve seen much worse than they’ve ever seen (even on the tv or in call of duty: I’m too pu$$ya$$ to go there myself but i have a magnet that says i support the troops! edition) and who have NOTHING to loose.
Now I laugh at them because pi$$ing them off by having a laugh is so much better, but thank the gods I didn’t do anything stupid back when not a single f*^% was given… but that’s because I have YEARS now of weekly PTSD appointments with a great therapist who gets it because he’s made the journey himself.
But these guys assume everyone is all talk, and they don’t do so well when you go off the script that’s in theirs sorrya$$ looser brains… which is exactly what John did! Bravo Sir!
Also: VENDING MASCHINE FOR THE WIN!!!!
EDITED: I am f#*king blind to curse words, and my phone has gotten where if I mistype them or try to substitute things in there for letters it auto-corrects them…. which IS funny I guess. Except when trying to write a comment here. Hopefully 4th edit is the charm.
Nope. forgot something. Trying again!
Chaplain Weasle
For the record, took 6 edits.
I thought Wolf of Wall Street had only 5-10 f&%#s in it.
Imagine my surprise when I was told it was over 500.
That is what makes posting on the internet or writing things hard for me.
AndoChronic
Thugz always talk about not dissing them or treading on them, or whatever. They’re always the first to do it to someone else though!
Fort Geek
@Mnemosyne: Core tool. But instead of completely removing the core, just unscrew it enough to cause a slow leak.
steverinoCT
There are plenty of useful self-defense shorts on YouTube. I came across them during a cat-video marathon when I got sidetracked by “how to rescue someone from an attacking dog”– which was likely more useful to me than any self-defense tips.
Abbott: Give him the old one-three! One-three!
Costello: What happened to two?
Abbott: Two, you get.