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You are here: Home / Bite my lips and close my eyes

Bite my lips and close my eyes

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Holy shit.

It’s real!

Both were models and actors and both are super hot. Both rocked swimsuits and liked to ride horses. Only one of them was ever the President of the United States — so far.

But the question remains, who is hotter, Reagan or Upton?

Check out these photos and decide for yourself in our poll.

I voted “It’s a toss up.”

Reader Interactions

152Comments

  1. 1.

    ThresherK

    Wasn’t the quote at one time “No, it’s Jimmy Stewart for president, Ronald Reagan for best friend!”

  2. 2.

    Hunter Gathers

    Of course Conservatives are going to find Reagan hotter. Sure, Ms. Upton may have more physical beauty, but nothing causes a Conservative to go from flaccid to ready to launch faster than some good, old fashioned bigotry. All Chris Christie has to do to get millions of Conservatives to reach for the lotion and tissue paper is to talk about those strapping young bucks and their Cadillac driving queens.

  4. 4.

    hartly

    I dunno. Hard to compare without a youtube of Reagan doing the cat daddy in a swimsuit.

  7. 7.

    Amir Khalid

    This question would seem to be a no-brainer. I mean, there’s no way I’d do RR, even if he were in his 20s and I were that way inclined. But this isn’t really about who has more sex appeal, is it?

  10. 10.

    Belafon

    Whenever someone gets pissed because you keep talking about Republican Reagan worshipping, just show them this.

  12. 12.

    hartly

    @Zam: I used to think that, but now it’s actually starting to get amusing. Anyway, I think in a generation Reagan worship will die out. The same people who turned on Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Hoover aren’t going to idolize Reagan forever, seeing as how he was Mr. Tax-hike and Compromise with the ruskies and all.

  13. 13.

    ronin122

    Oh yeah, forbidden wingnut man-love. I wonder if there exists a subgenre of homoerotic or gay erotic literature specifically targeted to closeted teabaggers.

    Seriously though, do they not realize that their idol worship of St. Ronnie is not only against their supposed religious convictions but also kinda creepy?

  14. 14.

    Omnes Omnibus

    Well, on second thought, let’s not go to Camelot the Daily Caller. It is a silly place.

  15. 15.

    Hunter Gathers

    @Roger Moore

    : I have a better chance of having sex with Kate Upton, which will serve as a tie breaker. Sorry Republicans.

    You sure about that? I’m pretty sure that a donation in the right dollar amount to either the RNC or any of the other Republican fundraising arms could get you some personal time with his corpse, no questions asked.

  16. 16.

    the Conster

    I seriously was surprised to read Upton – I was sure it was gonna be Putin.

  17. 17.

    Belafon

    @ronin122: Yeah, but the Reagan they worship is sitting at the left hand of Jesus, right between him and God. It’s definitely not the one that existed.

  19. 19.

    dubo

    This is even more hilarious when you remember that Tucker so badly wants Daily Caller to be the “serious, intelligent” online conservative journal

  20. 20.

    KG

    @Roger Moore: Nixon is buried (presumably in silver chains with a crucifix on his chest, just in case). Reagan has an above ground tomb thingy, I think.

  21. 21.

    Anoniminous

    Until Kate Upton plays second billing to a chimpanzee The Gipper is first in my heart!

    (not)

  24. 24.

    Quaker in a Basement

    I’ve heard it said that Reagan had a nice little caboose on him.

  29. 29.

    MattF

    @Roger Moore: Now, here I was assuming that RR was entombed in a pyramid. The Great Ron-a-gon, I guess.

    ETA: Pardon me, the Great Ron-a-hedron

  30. 30.

    Chyron HR

    The internet assures me that Kate Upton is “fat” and “flabby” so I guess Reagan wins by default.

  32. 32.

    ronin122

    @Belafon: When did it ever matter to a wingnut whether or not their views and admirations were grounded in reality? Sure the fiscal conservative nonsense is a myth but they love him just as much for his running on the southern strategy and hating “them colored folk”, which was absolutely true. Make the right dog whistles and nothing else will matter to a bigoted asshole.

  34. 34.

    piratedan

    pretty much depends on how Kate feels about Benghazi… that’s a deal breaker for most of the folks over there unless it can be proven that she’s sleeping with a Conservative member of the C Street Klan, then that would make everything A-OK, Christian conservative values regarding the sanctity of marriage and all that.

  41. 41.

    Comrade Mary

    @raven: Repeat as needed for healing. That kind of cat you don’t post just once.

    Client giving me an impossible deadline? “Fuck you. Here’s a heroic cat.”

    SUV decides to pass me within inches? “Fuck you. Here’s a heroic cat.” (May require heroic cat on a stick).

  42. 42.

    NonyNony

    This is self-parody right? Daily Tucker is making fun of itself now, right?

    …

    RIGHT?

  45. 45.

    Thoughtcrime

    How long before the Reagan sex doll? Offered in different ages and outfits.

  46. 46.

    Hungry Joe

    Nature/nurture, yeah, yeah — I know that upbringing and environment are huge influences. But I cannot, in my wildest imagining, come up with a Tucker Carlson that isn’t, as John Stewart put it, “a dick.” Tucker Carlson a pink-diaper baby in a union family? He’d turn out to be a dick. Tucker Carlson born to a single mother in Oregon? A dick. Tucker Carlson born a semi-nomadic Masai on the African savannah? A dick.

    Go ahead — try it yourself: Tucker Carlson born a (blank)?

    See? You come up with “dick” every time.

  49. 49.

    japa21

    Well, I always found intellect to be attractive, so I guess I have to go with Upton.

  54. 54.

    Alex S.

    Who is hotter?

    Also, why Kate Upton? Ah I see, her uncle is a prominent republican.

  56. 56.

    Roger Moore

    @KG:

    Nixon is buried (presumably in silver chains with a crucifix on his chest, just in case).

    I actually visited Nixon’s grave shortly after he was buried there. It was for a class on “Presidential Mythography”, which meant I wasn’t given an opportunity to piss on it.

  61. 61.

    JGabriel

    Jesus H. Christ on pogo stick*, John Rogers and Tyrone are bloody geniuses. There’s that number again:

    Kate Upton, hands down 56.92% (37 votes)

    Ronald Reagan, he’s the man 27.69% (18 votes)

    It’s a toss up 15.38% (10 votes)

    Chalk up another notch for the Crazification Factor.

    (*Why a pogo stick?)

  63. 63.

    Hungry Joe

    @SatanicPanic: A Tucker Ashford played for the Padres in the mid-’70s. Infielder, kind of no-field, no-hit. (It was the Padres. It was the mid-’70s.) Can’t remember if he was a dick or not.

  67. 67.

    Cacti

    Here’s the real Ali vs. Frazier question for the right wing…

    What makes them harder: Ronald Reagan’s wrinkled face and grecian-formula’d pompadour or Vladimir Putin’s shirtless man ta-tas?

  68. 68.

    Gene108

    @hartly:

    Reagan opened the door for the Moral Majority and its spawn that currently infect our politics to have a seat at the political table.

    Even Sen. Goldwater*, who was still in theSenate when Reagan took office, in 1981, thought it was nuts to give fundies poltical power.

    It really does not matter Reagan actually did in office or what he advocated for, such as global nuclear disarmament, because what matters is that the reason the fundies control the Republican Party is because of Reagan. Nothing else matters, because the Reagan worship is a veneer of how to show gratitude to giving your crazy ideas** a chance to infect the mainstream.

    * I believe Goldwater recommended Sandra Day O’Connor for the Supreme Court.

    ** home schooling comes to mind as something that went from WTF? To acceptable because of fundies political pressure.

  69. 69.

    gogol's wife

    “Green balloons” thread, so: a darling student just came by to drop off her final paper, and also brought me a present — a copy of Atlas Shrugged, her favorite novel (which I said in class I hadn’t read).

  70. 70.

    raven

    @sparrow: The cat ain’t that big. We had one down the block called “were-cat”. It would fly off the porch after dogs and they would skeedaddle. It’s all in who gets the jump.

  71. 71.

    MattR

    @Cacti: Oh God. What terrible images you are putting in my head. Thankfully the Kate Upton photos that The Moar You Know linked to should be an antidote.

  74. 74.

    KG

    @Roger Moore: I grew up in Yorba Linda, my high school was just around the corner and we got days off of school when they opened the library and for the funeral. So, as I saw it in high school, Nixon did two good things. Went to the library a couple of times, including for my AP government class. The original Watergate “room” was interesting – specifically designed to get you to not spend time in it.

  75. 75.

    raven

    @Belafon: And no one has looked at my drone/fishing video. Fuck a buncha cats.(Even though it’s really cool if it’s legit)

  76. 76.

    Cacti

    @gogol’s wife:

    “Green balloons” thread, so: a darling student just came by to drop off her final paper, and also brought me a present — a copy of Atlas Shrugged, her favorite novel (which I said in class I hadn’t read).

    Read it and follow up with something like “I can see why this is the best selling children’s book of all-time”.

  82. 82.

    D58826

    @Gene108: The funny thing is the Reagan that is idolized by the current political right would be unrecognizable to the real Reagan. For example, given how Obama is criticized for talking to Putin, today’s conservatives would have their heads explode if they knew Reagan made nice to Gorbachov(sp?).

  83. 83.

    Belafon

    @gogol’s wife: I have told my kids about Atlas Shrugged, and while i recommend a lot of books to them, that isn’t one of them. So, my 14 year old asked me the other day “Am I cynical enough to read it now?”

    He’s also my mythology reader, and understands that the difference between a religion and mythology is whether the speaker observes it or not.

  84. 84.

    Elizabelle

    @Cacti:

    @gogol’s wife:

    Could gogol’s wife anonymously mail John Rogers’ immortal take to this darling, but badly mistaken, student?

    There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

    Is for her own damn good.

    Source: Kung Fu Monkey

  85. 85.

    Gozer

    @JGabriel:

    I’m convinced that within that number lies the secrets of the universe. It appears way too often not to have some kind of significance on a cosmic scale. Maybe some kind of particle that causes human dickbaggery or mental illness or something.

  89. 89.

    hoodie

    Upton definitely looks better on a horse, and exhibits superior skill by riding with no hands.

  90. 90.

    joel hanes

    @Gene108:

    Reagan opened the door for the Moral Majority

    not to mention Iran-Contra, in which representatives of the US government secretly sold US armaments to known terrorists in an officially-hostile nation (Iran), in order to create an unConstitutional slush fund not appropriated by Congress, so that the Reagan Admin could secretly fund fascist death squads in allegedly sovereign Central American nations in an attempt to overthrow legally-elected governments — said fascist death squads then adopting such hearts-and-minds techniques as raping nuns before murdering them.

    Fuck Reagan. Third worst president ever.

  91. 91.

    JGabriel

    @KG:

    Reagan has an above ground tomb thingy, I think.

    So he can walk at night and drink the blood of willing minions who desire nothing more than to be penetrated by Reagan’s sacred pe… teeth.

  92. 92.

    rikyrah

    @Deggans: Jill Abramson suddenly replaced as executive editor at New York Times by Dean Baquet. NYT’s 1st female editor replaced by 1st black editor

  93. 93.

    some guy

    Al qaeda expelled from Homs, Christians begin returning to their town. Cacti may have a sad, but the rest of us should rejoice that Syrians have al Qaeda on the run.

  95. 95.

    rikyrah

    De Blasio’s Role Among Republicans: Nemesis

    “These folks can still party like it’s 1999,” said Peter Ragone, a senior adviser to Mr. de Blasio. “The 21st century called and asked if they want to join us and help everyday Americans get ahead.”
    By MICHAEL BARBARO and MICHAEL M. GRYNBAUM
    MAY 14, 2014

    Jeb Bush, a possible Republican presidential candidate, offered to help run a campaign to oust the new mayor in 2017. Bill O’Reilly, the Fox News titan, said he wanted “to beat him up.”

    And at a black-tie dinner a few nights ago, a billionaire donor to the Republican Party warned that under his stewardship, New York City risked becoming the “New Havana.”

    National Republicans, alarmed by the rising influence of activist liberals in government and eager to paint the Democratic Party as captive to its left wing, seem to have settled on an unlikely new nemesis: Bill de Blasio.

    It is a startling turn for a municipal leader who was virtually unknown, even within New York, just a year ago, but now finds himself on the same conservative dartboard as far better established figures, like Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts and the occupant of the Oval Office.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/15/nyregion/de-blasios-role-among-republicans-nemesis.html?ref=nyregion&_r=2

  97. 97.

    MomSense

    I still get upset when I see his face. The bottom line is that he made people feel good about being irresponsible, greedy, and cruel.

  98. 98.

    Tommy

    I just had to Google Kate Upton. Sorry didn’t know who she was. Wow. I don’t think she is “fat.”

  99. 99.

    ranchandsyrup

    Fuck me a wildfire started a mile and a half from our house. Wife and kids are out of town so rushing home to get dogs out of there. Thanks Al Gore

  106. 106.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @ranchandsyrup:

    I hope you are busy saving dogs and other valuables and that you don’t even see this message right now, but do please be safe and let us hear from you when you can.

  108. 108.

    ? Martin

    The fire authority has been doing the most aggressive and extensive brush removal that I’ve ever seen around me. I think their experts have determined that everything is going to catch on fire this year. Our neighborhood is pretty well protected from fires – but we’re doing another full pass on getting our shit in order.

  109. 109.

    SatanicPanic

    @? Martin: I was up in the Laguna Mountains this weekend and it was dry, but not as dry as I expected. The rains a couple weeks ago maybe helped. Or I could just be trying to be optimistic, hoping it’s not 2007 again.

  110. 110.

    Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937

    Has the phrase ‘jumped the shark’ been superceded by ‘polled Raygun’s swimsuit’ ?

  113. 113.

    David Hunt

    @NonyNony:

    This is self-parody right? Daily Tucker is making fun of itself now, right?

    Yes…but not intentionally.

  114. 114.

    gogol's wife

    @raven:

    She is the opposite of a libertarian, always doing things for others. I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s just a true literary passion.

  116. 116.

    gogol's wife

    @Elizabelle:

    I kind of had to admit it, because somebody brought it up in class in connection with Anna Karenina, so I couldn’t pretend I knew what they were talking about.

  118. 118.

    ranchandsyrup

    Our neighbor called and fire is moving away from our house he has our dogs and everyone okay but I’m still going to get the dogs out of there. Dark and smoky and ashy

  119. 119.

    Amir Khalid

    @ranchandsyrup:
    Hope you and the puppehs stay safe. Check in with us when you can, so we won’t worry about you too much. You know how we are around here.

  121. 121.

    gogol's wife

    @rikyrah:

    I actually went to Politico to see if they had any “insight.” None was forthcoming, but in the comments I learned that she was another casualty of the thuggish fascist Obama regime and its jackbooted minions.

  122. 122.

    The Moar You Know

    Fuck me a wildfire started a mile and a half from our house. Wife and kids are out of town so rushing home to get dogs out of there. Thanks Al Gore

    @ranchandsyrup: Lost one employee out of the office today as he got put under evac, had to go get his kids. This is a lot closer to my house than I’d like, but we’ve no pets and I’m not a firefighter, so I’m staying put.

    ETA: this is the driest year I can recall here since 1975. Kind of scary.

  124. 124.

    scav

    @ranchandsyrup: Good to hear and you’ve got good neighbors. Depending on the upcoming season, might be a good idea to share information on a critical box you and they can grab for each other in similar situations along with the pets.

  126. 126.

    jl

    @the Conster:

    ” I was sure it was gonna be Putin ”

    They knew throwing in Putin would make it close and produce angst among the faithful. Maybe Vlad will win on write-ins?

  130. 130.

    Cacti

    @Amir Khalid:

    “Obviously Pilger’s attempt to cast land-grabbing, ultranationalist dictator Vladimir Putin as an enemy of fascism is comical.”.

    Indeed, it’s basically our own BIP’s argument.

    If you just overlook the many, obviously fascist characteristics of the Russian Federation, such as:

    -Strongman authoritarian leadership/personality cult
    -Hostility towards/censorship of free speech and press
    -Hyper-nationalism
    -Militarism
    -Elevation of the State over the individual
    -Discrimination/scapegoating of disfavored minority groups
    -Aggressive, expansionist foreign policy against smaller nations

    Putin is fighting the good fight against fascism.

  132. 132.

    ? Martin

    @SatanicPanic: Well, most of my neighbors, like us, have cut way back on watering so the residential lots are a bit brown. The city has cut back, and are now trimming trees aggressively so that the lack of water doesn’t cause them to break. It’s 96 here with 8% humidity and this is supposed to continue for 2 more days. This weekend will be better, but it’s not like its going to rain. If this continues to any extent this summer, everything will be flammable.

  134. 134.

    Spike

    I don’t have any direct evidence to support this, but I’d guess that Ms. Upton’s temperature is around 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, while Mr. Reagan’s is almost certainly much lower than this. Based on this, it seems quite clear which is hotter.

  138. 138.

    Calouste

    @Cacti:

    “Fighting against Fascism” brings back memories in Russia to the Great Patriotic War (known to you and me as WII). It’s a sacred phrase that now means the opposite of what it originally meant, but because of its history no one can criticize it. It’s the same with the phrase “Freedom” in the U.S., now almost exclusively used by extreme right-wing fascist wannabees. Orwell would be accused of plagiarism had he lived now.

  139. 139.

    Gin & Tonic

    @Amir Khalid: In addition to Snyder’s counterpoint, mentioned by Chait, Anne Applebaum has an excellent piece dissecting the various claims about nationalists that we’ve heard here over the last few months. Both authors are people who really know their stuff about 20th century eastern Europe.

  140. 140.

    scav

    Oh dear, this paper’s likely to get misapplied all over. Published in Nature, Main link is to the Guard, here’s a lifted link to abstract.
    Water depletion in California ‘may be increasing chance of earthquakes’
    Groundwater loss from demand for farming in the Central Valley is putting pressure on San Andreas fault, Nature paper says

    abstract looks intriguing: seasonality in microseismicity, groundwater depletion, flexural uplift of the Coast Ranges (!) — geology’s got all sorts of things going on here apparently.
    ABSTRACT

  141. 141.

    Trollhattan

    @Tommy:
    Now Google “Kate Upton weightless” [trust me]

    Was Ronald Reagan ever weightless? I think NOT.

  143. 143.

    Cacti

    @Calouste:

    “Fighting against Fascism” brings back memories in Russia to the Great Patriotic War (known to you and me as WII).

    It also omits the inconvenient part of Russian history where they actively collaborated with Nazi Germany prior to 1941.

  144. 144.

    Cacti

    @Gin & Tonic:

    In addition to Snyder’s counterpoint, mentioned by Chait, Anne Applebaum has an excellent piece dissecting the various claims about nationalists that we’ve heard here over the last few months. Both authors are people who really know their stuff about 20th century eastern Europe.

    The most recent polling for the May 25 presidential election puts Svoboda’s candidate between 1.5-1.9% of popular support.

    So much for that “it’s a fascist coup” theory.

  145. 145.

    cckids

    @joel hanes:

    not to mention Iran-Contra, in which representatives of the US government secretly sold US armaments to known terrorists in an officially-hostile nation (Iran), in order to create an unConstitutional slush fund not appropriated by Congress, so that the Reagan Admin could secretly fund fascist death squads in allegedly sovereign Central American nations in an attempt to overthrow legally-elected governments — said fascist death squads then adopting such hearts-and-minds techniques as raping nuns before murdering them.

    This. I’m currently reading Walsh’s “Firewall”, and have to keep stopping because it is just so infuriating. And the people who revere Reagan are going nuts about Benghazi. Jesus.

  147. 147.

    Villago Delenda Est

    Ronald Reagan: Dogshit

    Everyone at the Daily Caller: Also dogshit, particularly Fucker “I’m not gay but homosexuals in the DC Amtrak Station keep trying to suck my cock” Carlson.

  148. 148.

    The Republic of Stupidity

    I voted “It’s a toss up.”

    Well… it’s sure making me toss…

  150. 150.

    Another Holocene Human

    @grape_crush:

    > I voted “It’s a toss up.”

    More like, “It’s a toss off.”

    Toss the cookies

  151. 151.

    Another Holocene Human

    @rikyrah: The De Blasio campaign gave people hope. Can’t have that. Obliterate with extreme prejudice.

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