I looked in the mirror and after cringing decided that my goatee was out of control, and I needed to trim it as well as shave the beard that had crept up over the last week. Broke out the badger hair shaving brush and the Taylor of Old Bond Sandalwood (quick sidebar- why do you idiots pay for Gillete gel or what not awhen you could buy one nice brush and a thing of shaving soap and not only will it last for 2 years but it will be a much smoother, more soothing shave) and got down to business. Took a hot shower to get my skin warm, then foamed up and shaved off the errant beard. While I was looking in the mirror, it dawned on me that I had had a beard or face mullet (aka goatee) for a decade and haven’t seen my chin since at least 2002.
So, impulsively, I just shaved that shit off.
My goatee is now gone, and I still have not seen my chin. I saw 2-3 double chins. But no actual chin. My face looks like Shmoo’s ass with a little peach fuzz.
Chappelle is on Comedy Central, btw.
Just Some Fuckhead
Who shaves at one thirty in the fucking morning, freakshow? I am binge eating right now motherfucker, like one is supposed to after an evening of getting fucked up.
superfly
Watched Chappelle twice tonight (while doing this and that), that DC show is great.
Citizen Alan
I prefer to have a goatee precisely because it covers up my chin(s). Annoyingly, however, my goatee is the only hair on my head which grays. So in my vanity, I have the Sophie’s Choice of “Do I want to show off my flabby chin or do I want a face full of gray hair.
NotMax
The horror, the horror…
billgerat
I have not shaved my mustache in almost 30 years – it’s so distinctive that my stepkids sometimes refer to me as Mr. Mustache. I keep toying with the Idea of shaving it off. I’d probably look 10 years younger if I did.
But it won’t be this weekend, that’s for sure. I’m hella sick with some sort of sore throat, chest cold and hacking up my lungs hourly. I feel as old as one of those D-Day vets I saw on TV tonight. Thank God for modern science to ease the symptoms.
Ruckus
Ten years. Pfffft.
Forty one yrs here. And I ain’t shaving it off now.
Gray? So fucking what? I look distinguished, yeah that’s it.
Mnemosyne
@Citizen Alan:
You’re obviously not quite vain enough to have considered this option, which my (now sadly late) father-in-law used to utilize. Though he generally tried to use a light hand to get a salt-and-pepper look rather than the unnatural Ronald Reagan dense black.
Mnemosyne
Also, I’m a little more excited about our trip back to Illinois in August because my brother is bringing two kittens home next week. Lilac point Siamese (so they’ll look kind of like this). Yay kittens!
Steeplejack
Mmm, shmoo ass . . .
Anoniminous
You will pry my mustache off my cold, dead, upper lip.
(Listening to Al Stewart. Damn that guy is good.)
GregB
Pal of mine used to call Republican’s, Re-double-chins.
Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason
Williams shaving soap and a brush for me. In a pewter mug from Williams with some kinda bicentennial stuff all over it. I used to shave everything off in the summer but finally figured out I look younger with a beard, even though it’s gray. Go figure.
Eljai
The Wikipedia link you gave us contains voluminous research on the Schmoo. But there is not an actual picture of Schmoo’s ass. I feel cheated.
PurpleGirl
@Mnemosyne: Lilac point Siamese… how beautiful. I wish them all luck and love for the future.
Jewish Steel
My grandmother would pester my uncle to shave his long, hippie beard which he had in his 30s, 40s and on into his 50s.. “Oh, you don’t want to see what’s happened under here.” He would say pointing to his face.
I shaved the works off last winter. I think that will be the last time.
Anne Laurie
@Citizen Alan:
Facial hair can be artificially colored, and I understand that most hair stylists are either competent to do this for you or will give you the name of a fellow professional who is.
You can do it at home, with any quality OTC brand, but (a) face skin can be more sensitive than head skin, and (b) grey hair tends to be “dye-resistant”, so you have to leave the goop on longer to get the same level of color saturation. If you’re rash-prone or impatient, getting expert help at least for your first attempt will be worth the money.
Anne Laurie
@Ruckus: The Spousal Unit had a full beard by the time I first met him, when he was 22 and I was 18. But I’ve seen pictures from his cleanshaven days, and he knows that if he ever shaves his beard, I’m going to divorce him… or at least make him wear a bag over his head until it grows back!
recurvata
Keeping my mustache and goatee. Kind of an FU to the ex-wife, who never liked it. Sad, yes, but really do like the look better. Only one chin though,
NotMax
@Anne Laurie
While the totality of studies remains inconclusive (there are, after all, literally thousands of chemicals and combinations among hair dye products) they do tend to point to increased long-term risk for disease from over-the-counter so-called men’s products and also that the darker the dye product used, the greater the risk.
@John Cole
Soap? Foam? Real men eschew both. And employ a pitted, dull hatchet.
another Holocene human
Fuck you very much, John–it’s called shift work.
another Holocene human
Fuck you very much, John–it’s called shift work.
Amir Khalid
Worrying about grey hair is like worrying about hair loss : a person should have more serious things to worry about. (And at my age, I have both.)
NotMax
@Amir Khalid
Amen. Nature is sending a message and it behooves one to listen.
cmorenc
@billgerat:
As long as they don’t start calling you the “Mustache of Understanding”.
Lurking Canadian
For a while, I did use a shaving-brush-and-soap combo. I told myself it would be smoother than gel from a can. That turned out not to be the case.
Anne Laurie
@NotMax:
Agreed, I wouldn’t suggest using the men’s products! Should’ve been more specific, brave the lady-aisle, start with a box of ‘temporary’ or ‘semi-permanent’ color, and pick a shade slightly lighter than your original beard. Remember to read the instructions, and do the recommended ‘patch test’ on your forearm before you risk burning your cheeks.
Or, per my first suggestion, go to a professional and let them make these decisions for you…
stinger
This shave-anything-that-moves business is getting out of hand. Shawn better look out — or Shawn’s ass.
c u n d gulag
I’d shave my chin if I could find it.
I have more “Chin’s” than the Hong Kong phone directory!
Platypus
Why use any kind of shaving gel/cream/foam/soap at all when you can just use conditioner? I switched a couple of months ago, after an experienced-road-warrior friend tipped me off, and AFAICT it’s better in just about every way.
(1) Shaves are just as close and comfortable, if not more so.
(2) Rinses better, contributes less to sink clogs.
(3) A whole lot cheaper.
(4) Easier to find in convenient travel sizes.
(5) Hotels always have some if you forget.
(6) If you want, easy to find some that smells nice.
Go ahead and try it. What do you have to lose except one more bit of clutter and expense?
GHayduke (formerly lojasmo)
Before I went into treatment I had sported some sort of facial hair for…eighteen years. Clean shaven now.
WereBear
@PurpleGirl: Squee for kittens!
Svensker
Morning coffee, meet keyboard.
Botsplainer
@Platypus:
When I run out of shaving stuff, I use a shampoo/conditioner combo. Works like a charm on my coarse beard.
Got rid of my face mullet a few months ago after losing weight. Been wanting to for years once I realized it had become the official uniform of oppressed white men of unusual size.
JGabriel
John Cole:
Couldn’t tell you. I always shave with plain old soap, water, and a blade. Why do people waste money on a shaving brush?
JGabriel
@billgerat:
Are you kidding? That’s the best time!
If you shave the mustache off now and don’t like it, being sick is the perfect excuse to stay in till it starts growing back without looking vain.
YellowDog
I prefer Trumper’s shaving cream and Skin Food. They are more expensive and harder to find online, but the Skin Food (in Sandalwood) is the best after shave balm I have ever used.
RSA
I used to have a goatee (rather than a full beard, because of sparse whisker distribution) but whenever I start to grow it back, I end up shaving it off after a week or so. Vanity, I suppose–white hair on top doesn’t need to be balanced by a white beard.
Ruckus
@Anne Laurie:
I did shave it off once in that 41 yrs. Lasted one day. Scared my ex something fierce as she’d never known me without one. Not actually proud of this but it was funny. And don’t feel sorry for her, she is a practical joker, professional level. If I was the type to keep score, I’d be so far behind, and that being behind would be one of her pranks. Wonderful girl and lots of fun.
NCSteve
Oh yeah? Well why are you paying for so-called “shaving soap” Cole? I found out years ago (as a result of forgetting to buy another cake of shaving soap) that if regular old bath is all you need. Shaving soap is a scam.
Roger Moore
Hard water. I used to use homemade soap and a badger brush, but I can’t get much lather where I am now because there’s so damn much calcium in the water. If I use soap for anything, it leaves behind a nasty residue of soap scum. I found that I keep getting a rash when I use soap that goes away when I switch to non-soap detergents.
Mnemosyne (iPad Mini)
@PurpleGirl:
@WereBear:
My brother is SUPER excited — his previous cat died six years ago at 20+ years old and he didn’t have the heart to get a new one until now. I will post a photo when he sends me one next weekend.
Suzanne
I have been using a homemade sugar scrub made with olive or coconut oil on my legs. After I rinse the sugar off but the oil is still on, I shave, and it is awesome. No razor burn, and the shave is really close. I think it would work as well on the face.
22over7
My brother shaved his beard a few years ago, only to discover that he looked just like our mom. Spitting image. He grew that thing back as fast as he could make the hair grow.
I also look just like our mom, but don’t have the option of a beard. So I just deal with it.
Diana
pics or it didn’t happen.
mclaren
You need shoulder-length hair and a Frank-Zappa style imperial.
LT
Why do you idiots use ANYTHING to shave? A 10 cent Bic ravor is all I ever use, right out of the shower. None of that sissy soap or creme crap. What evil marketing shitstain came up with the idea we needed it at all?
Long Tooth
Your goatee & triple chin story is like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine talks her boyfriend into letting his shaved hair grow back out, only for him to discover he was in the process of going quite bald.
mclaren
@Anne Laurie:
Yes! Blue goatee, Cole! BLUE GOATEE!!!!
KXB
I first had a beard in my 20s, just to try something different. Then, for most of the first decade of this century, I was clean shaven. Then, I decided to grown it back in 2010, and I have no desire to return to a clean-shaven face. I go to a barber for a clean-up trim every 2-3 weeks. It’s only $5, and includes hot lather on my neck with a straight-edge shave. A nice little treat to myself.
The appeal for me is that I was always the guy with thick glasses. Now, I’m the guy with a beard. Also, as a I age, a beard is a nice way to cover up any facial blemishes or as skin starts to get droopy.
Guiseppe Madre
Mug and brush is the way to go. And you don’t really need the fancy soaps, other than maybe one to go in the bottom of the mug and get things started. After that, just throw in those thin little pieces that you get when a bar of soap is almost used up. The little soaps you get in hotels work great, too.
If your shave isn’t comfortable, you’re probably skimping on the hot water. If you really want a treat, make a hot towel for yourself by running steaming hot water onto a hand towel and then wringing it out. Leave it on for a couple of minutes before applying the soap and shaving.
Sometimes the old ways really are best.
bad Jim
Late to the show as usual.
I’ve worn a beard since the People’s Park riot in Berkeley, May 15, 1969. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realized I was ugly. I’ve shaved a few times since then, hiking the John Muir Trail, reading Joyce and Sartre, starting a new company after the death of my father, and a few times since then, trying to reinvent myself, most recently for my 60th birthday.
I always forget how unpleasant my naked face is. I don’t usually look at myself in the mirror when I first get up in the morning, but when I’m clean-shaven I scare myself. Who’s this? With the beard, children trust me and dogs nuzzle, but without, even the birds flee in fear.
The hair on the top of my head is luxuriously brown; everything beneath my ears is white. Shaving makes me look younger, and everyone else in my family has adopted that strategy. The problem is that my naked face in repose is sniffy and disapproving, while with a beard I default to a pleasant mien.