Benoit Denizet-Lewis is writing a book about dog-crazy America and has an article up at Slate recounting his adventure at a dog park in New York City that he visited as research for the book. As you might expect, he met some strange people, some friendly people and a lot of nice dogs.
Denizet-Lewis encounters much dog park drama — from the humans, of course. Reading about it made me recall PTA dynamics: the officious controlling types, the warring parents, the slackers who depend on everyone else to do all the work, etc.
I am completely spared dog park drama these days, even though I take my two boxer dogs to a nearby dog park daily. Since one of my dogs is unpredictable around unknown animals, I take mine to the park only when it’s deserted, right around dawn, and if I see someone else approaching with a dog, I leave.
In just a couple of years, I’ll be able to shake the dust of the PTA off my sandals too — forever. I may have to start following daytime TV to fill my drama quotient.
Is there dog park drama in your life? Or schoolyard or workplace intrigues? I’ve devoted a great deal of energy to avoiding drama in my life, but I’ve noticed a lot of people thrive on it.
My husband and I rarely quarrel — neither of us can stand discord. But I know couples whom I would describe as happy who thrive on arguing. I don’t get it, but it seems to work for them.
Of course, blogs are not without drama, and I’ve been hanging around blogs since their inception, so maybe that’s how I get my drama fix. Politics also, which perhaps functions as a reality show for the high-minded and self-regarding, as alluded to in Anne Laurie’s post yesterday.
How does drama play out in your life? Do you need it? Despise it? Disregard it? Please feel free to indulge in pointless histrionics or discuss pretty much anything at all.
flukebucket
Just saw where the Federal Courts had pretty much blown Obamacare out of the water. I will wait for the lawyers to weigh in.
Cervantes
As David Kurtz cannot be this naïve:
I ask for more pointy sarcasm, please.
skerry
DC Circuit Court orders ACA defunded.
This is too much drama for me. (ETA: See I wasn’t here first.)
I used to take my dog to the local dog park. Then he was attacked by another dog. The other owner just stood there. Said nothing. I jumped in, grabbed my dog and left. Luckily, he was not really injured. I’ve never been back. (ETA: The PTA analogy is spot on. I am a veteran of 22 years of the PTA – retiring next year when youngest kid leaves high school.)
MomSense
@flukebucket:
I am feeling dramatically angry right now as a matter of fact.
Fucking Judges. Death Eaters serving the dark lord is more like it.
burnspbesq
@flukebucket:
Federal judges get shit wrong all the time, but the majority opinion is mind-blowingly, apocalyptically wrong. If the majority opinion is correct, then verything that four generations of lawyers thought we knew about how to interpret complex Federal statutes was, so it would seem, just muddle-headed nonsense.
The government will petition for cert, needless to say.
When the judiciary seems to go out of its way to reverse outcomes that were obtained through the normal operation of the political branches, it’s not unfair to question its legitimacy. Which is a polite way of saying id like to hurt some people.
burnspbesq
Link to opinion.
http://www.cadc.uscourts.gov/internet/opinions.nsf/10125254D91F8BAC85257D1D004E6176/$file/14-5018-1503850.pdf
Hill Dweller
Today’s decision will be vacated when the case is reheard en banc.
Steeplejack
Why are there no cat parks? That would be a
dreadfulcool thing.chopper
@flukebucket:
what a shitty fucking decision. Jesus titty-fucking Christ, the rest of the law makes it very clear that the federal exchanges are state exchanges.
I don’t think even the Roberts court could stand behind this piece of dreck.
flukebucket
@burnspbesq: Thank you! Explain to me where things go from here when you get a chance.
Cervantes
@Hill Dweller:
More than likely, yes.
askew
@flukebucket:
Doesn’t this apply to only states that didn’t set-up their own exchanges? It’s still a big problem but one that should have been fixable at the legislative level if only the House GOP wasn’t insane. Unfortunately, they are insane and the Supreme Court doesn’t give a shit about the law any longer. They are just another deranged Republican entity.
Hill Dweller
@burnspbesq: Judge Randolph’s behavior during oral argument was appalling.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
Think Progress: Meet The Judges
Citing an op/ed from the bench? IANAL but that strikes me as a bit odd
Betty Cracker
I put up a thread about the ACA ruling.
geg6
Awful decision on the ACA. IANAL, but even I can tell from reading it that it’s just beyond the pale.
As for drama, my position at work comes with built-in drama (financial aid officer at a major public university! Drama city!) and I deal with it all day, every day at the office. So I avoid it and all drama queens as much as possible in my personal life. One of the things that I most love about my John is that he is a no drama kind of guy. Some of my sisters are drama queens, but they’re my sisters and I can just tell them to go fuck off with their love of the theater of life and we just move on. Hate that shit.
flukebucket
@Betty Cracker: Thank you sooooooo much!
Cervantes
@Betty Cracker: There you go, drama made to order.
Shakezula
And the GOP becomes further entrenched in the public mind as the party of Shits-on-You.
This is going to be hugely disruptive across the board, from the insurance companies down to the patients. And because this happened after people started getting treatment under new policies or Medicaid expansion, it has moved from some vague an administrative burden for a provider or having a copay for a screening exam to directly fucking with and scaring people.
I predict that during next election cycle the GOP will have one of those last-minute revelations and announce it loves ACA after all.
Gin & Tonic
This is pretty funny. Graham Philips, a Brit working for RT, goes to Slavyansk (eastern Ukraine, site of some of the fiercest fighting in April-May-June, but now back in Ukrainian control) and walks around the main square trying to do a “man in the street” interview, and gets every RT talking point he tries to throw at some random woman rejected. Vid is in Russian — I’ll at least give Philips some credit for speaking Russian, as heavily accented and awkward as it was. But the woman he talks to ridicules the “referendum” saying “What, those xeroxed leaflets? There was no ‘referendum’, nobody supported it.” He goes on to ask about Ukrainian forces shooting up the city and she denies it, then asks how come 90% of Ukraine can live in peace. Speaking in Russian the whole time, she walks away saying “Slava Ukraini” (Glory to Ukraine,) the supposedly fascist slogan. I found the whole thing hilarious.
Amir Khalid
Drama is best avoided except when at the movies.
OzarkHillbilly
To answer your question Betty, these days it is just me and my wife. I have pretty much dropped out of all extraneous organizations. I used to be fairly heavy into caving, even doing some expeditionary stuff, but the politics of all of it really turned me off. Caving is a fairly small world in which an individual really can make a difference. As such it seems to attract an inordinate number of people who’s only real desire is to “be somebody”. It got tiresome.
I miss alot of the people I know in caving as many are really good people, but the histrionics not at all. Now I garden.
Amir Khalid
Dear God. Has this man no respect for the dead?
gopher2b
We had to put our cat to sleep yesterday. I’m devastated. He had diabetes and we tried to treat it for 9 months but he never really recovered. My wife said he just slept all day within a few feet of his food and water bowl, and he stopped grooming himself. He always perked up whenever I was home (we were very close) so it was hard for me to see what my wife saw (I travel most of the week). I’m really fearful that we made the wrong decision and I’ll regret it for years. I miss him so much.
P.S. I really could use some affirmation.
Mike J
@burnspbesq:
That’s what the rest of us have been saying since at least Bush v Gore, but you’re the main one who assured us that the courts care more about the law than politics.
Cervantes
@gopher2b: You made the right decision.
Miss him. Grieve. But let him go peacefully.
Much love.
Roger Moore
You could always become involved in local politics instead.
Nicole
@gopher2b: it sounds like he wasn’t enjoying much quality of life there at the end. You did the right thing. It’s the greatest gift we can give our pets- a minimal amount of time suffering, after all the years of love they give us.
Nicole
As to the drama thing, I had to end a couple of friendships over drama fatigue. I realized the friend would create drama when things got dull for them. The first one took ten years before I ended it; the second three. I guess that’s progress.
My Staffy mix is scared of many other dogs so we can’t do dog parks, either. She’s awfully good off-leash in the park, though, because she has space to take evasive action if a particularly assertive one won’t leave her be.
Scuffletuffle
@gopher2b: You definitely made the right decision and you have the added benefit of having been there at the end, rather than getting a phone call that he went while you were traveling. Count your blessings and remember the good times with him. I’ve lost two of mine in the last month and a third is on his way out. It’s tough, but i had 15 good years with them that I would not trade for anything.
opiejeanne
@Amir Khalid: I get my quota from baseball. Quite a lot when the umpire goes out of his way to be Wrong About The Strike Zone.
FlyingToaster
My family is all drama, as is my husband’s. My daughter is the ultimate Drama Princess™. She comes by it legitimately, having 4 generations of drama-queenery in her background — on both sides. A slew of political or union activists on my side lets me observe the political blogosphere from the “oh, fuck, not that again” standpoint.
HerrDoktor and I prefer less drama in our daily lives. I live a minimum of 1500 miles from my siblings and mom in order to prevent critical mass.
Unfortunately, I live in Watertown. Which went from sleepy bedroom community (with two malls) to terrorism central. Thank you, Tsarnaevs! Hopefully Jahar will spend the rest of his life (modulo court appearances) in that hospital in Devens.
I’m lucky that the tiny private school WarriorGirl attends has a low-drama PTA. Unlike the school over-the-line in Cambridge which seems to be all-drama, all-the-time. I volunteered for BookFairChair, because it’s something I know how to do (unlike the Auction or cold-calling for money); it’s a nice, boring job. When I have to (3 years or so from now), I’ll be a class parent, because it’ll be my turn. Pfeh.
No pets, alas, due to allergies on all our parts, and lack of space on our postage stamp for an animal we wouldn’t be allergic to. They’re converting part of one of the local playgrounds to a fenced dog park; I’m waiting for the ensuing lawsuits.
Paul in KY
@gopher2b: Very sad to hear that. If there’s no quality of life, then you have to help him out & ease the suffering. I think you did the right thing.
Shakezula
@gopher2b: That’s so hard, but you did the only thing you could. You’ll miss him for a long time, but please don’t beat yourself up over it.
Also, and this was hard for me to understand when my first cat died, do take time for yourself. A family member has passed on and that’s never easy. If you can take a break, even a couple of days, please do so.
Paul in KY
@FlyingToaster: Hopefully Jahar will be executed for his heinous crimes.
FlyingToaster
@Paul in KY: No.
Killing people is wrong.
MattF
This is quite a story about why you sometimes need to take a deep breath and count to ten:
http://johncbeck.tumblr.com/post/92074597917/count-to-ten-when-a-plane-goes-down
opiejeanne
@gopher2b: I’m so sorry to hear this, but I want you to know that yo did the right thing.
And as someone else mentioned, this is the loss of a family member, so give yourself time to grieve. When we lost our first cat I was devastated and it took a while to work through the grief, and a good friend supported me by letting me know I wasn’t nuts.
Betty Cracker
@gopher2b: I’m so sorry. It certainly sounds like you did the right thing to me. A cat who has stopped grooming and roaming is a cat whose quality of life is sadly degraded. Again, you did the right thing. We should all be so lucky as to go peacefully surrounded by loved ones.
gopher2b
@Scuffletuffle:
Thank you for making that point about being away (and everybody else for your kind words too). I rescued him when he was about 8 months old. I was told someone tried to drown him when he was kitten so he was always really skittish with new people but he felt very safe with me. I told him when I finally convinced him I wasnt going to hurt him that I would protect him for the rest of his life. He died in my arms; the place where always wanted to be. I couldn’t have guaranteed that otherwise.
Cervantes
@FlyingToaster: I’m with you on that.
And I’m in the Boston area, too.
In fact, the bomb missed me by a few meters and a few minutes.
JohnK
I have a large 90-lb dog that has an anxiety problem that can result unpredictable greetings. In formal settings like walking downtown or in dog training classes he is fine. Took him to see an animal behaviorist/DVM, changed his diet, bought him a thundershirt and everything I could think of. He is improving but I have to use a training collar to reinforce strict recalls. When he gets the signal or when I call him, it means he has to come to me. When a new dog joins the pack or when we enter a space with new dogs, he has to stay with me and I allow him to meet another animal after he adjusts his attitude. He also wears a ruffwear trail leash on his collar so I always have a leash that I can deploy just by grabbing it. I very rarely have to hit the e-collar button and even then the stimulus is very weak, just enough to get his attention. Couldn’t think of any other way to manage him and keep him out of the red zone. I hope we are getting beyond this stage because he is a very loyal and obedient dog.
opiejeanne
@Cervantes: I knew she was there but I didn’t remember that you were as well. I think there was someone else here who was nearby.
OzarkHillbilly
@gopher2b: When I put both of my previous 2 dogs down it was tuff. The 1st had bone cancer and was in incredible pain. I cried like a baby and took the body to bury near our favorite mushroom hunting grounds (110 lbs, not easy) the 2nd was old age and arthritis and I left him with my ex after a wkend with the boys, saying, “I would have put him down weeks ago.” I still feel terrible about not being there at the end for him, but there was just no way I could do that with my ex.
Both times I knew it was the right thing to do and never doubted it. Makes no difference as I still feel guilty.
Nicole
@JohnK: My aunt and uncle had to get a shock collar for a young Golden Retriever they took from a family that did a crap job training him (as soon as he reached 80 pounds, the family decided they couldn’t handle him anymore- he’s now over 100lbs, so a big dog). The dog would sneak up behind people and bite them. The collar fixed that behavior in less than a week and with my aunt and uncle’s abundance of affection and time for him he is shaping up to be a very nice dog.
So yeah, I don’t presume to judge training methods. One size does not fit all dogs. Ours is incredibly eager to please, but there are times I have to use my angry voice to get her attention.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@gopher2b: They leave such big paw prints on our hearts. It’s never, ever, easy. He was telling you he was ready; though he tried to put on a brave face for you when you came home. In my view, you did the what he needed. “The right thing is always the hardest thing to do”(Different Days, Southeastern, Jason Isbell).
WaterGirl
@gopher2b: He was lucky to have you as protector for your whole life tougher, and your last act of love and care was to keep him from possibly a terrible end without you by his side.
These words were a comfort to me when I lost my kitty soulmate:
FlyingToaster
@opiejeanne: I wasn’t at home — like most parents of grade schoolers, I was out of town for the mishegas that is Patriots Day week (school vacation pretty much statewide).
We live outside of the cordon (over by the police station, in fact), and HerrDoktor called the cops to ask them if he’d need an escort to the Pike to come fetch us from Logan that night. They told him it would all be over by 8pm one way or the other.
The aftermath has been worse than that day. We get black helicopters flying over the town several times a year (most notably last April 18th, where they basically buzzed the town, several across), every police car has not only an auto plate scanner but artillery in the trunk, and we had terrorism tourists last summer. I drive by the shootout scene almost every weekday during the school year (it’s a third of a mile from school), and most public events in Watertown or Boston have “enchanced security measures”, which means you can’t bring a gallon jug of ice water to a 6-hour afternoon event in 90° heat.
geg6
@gopher2b:
So sorry, but you did the right and loving thing. Quality of life is the most important and it sounds like the poor thing didn’t have much of that.
WereBear
@gopher2b: If that was all his life was, then it was time. Of course he perked up when he saw you… he was trying to reassure you. He loved you.
Cats hide their pain as part of their instincts
We always think “too soon” because we don’t want it to happen. But I’ve learned the best thing we can do is act faster, NOT drag our feet. Cats live in the NOW. They are hurting when they are sick.
Gindy51
@gopher2b: You made the correct decision, never doubt yourself. Your cat was near the end and as my vet always says, you don’t have to wait until the very end. It is better to let them go while they can still communicate with you than when they are so close to death you mean nothing to them. You are a saint for realizing this, please sleep well and do not worry. Your cat’s pain and anguish was taken away by YOUR actions and that is all you really need to know.
Gindy51
@gopher2b: You made the correct decision, never doubt yourself. Your cat was near the end and as my vet always says, you don’t have to wait until the very end. It is better to let them go while they can still communicate with you than when they are so close to death you mean nothing to them. You are a saint for realizing this, please sleep well and do not worry. Your cat’s pain and anguish was taken away by YOUR actions and that is all you really need to know.
tesslibrarian
@WereBear: This is absolutely true. Most people wait too long.
Due to the weekend, we probably waited a couple days too long for our cat with cancer. She never gave me the sign that she was ready to go, because I was sick at the time, too, but she did give it to my husband once she couldn’t walk and he had to carry her to the cat box during her last night with us. We gave her mayonnaise, one of the few foods she still seemed to enjoy, while we waited for the vet to come. But it didn’t make up for the terrible previous 36 hours she had, at least not to me.
@gopher2b: You give them the best life you can, and then, you give them the best end of life you can. If you’ve ever had to stand by while a loved human died of a terrible disease or affliction, you know what a great gift that last one is, to both of you. Take time to grieve, and keep in mind it may take longer than you expect. It’s all okay. The loss of love is terrible; you are supposed to grieve.
(edited for grammar)
Tinare
@gopher2b:
So sorry for your loss. You did the right thing.
Tinare
@gopher2b:
So sorry for your loss. You did the right thing.
blondie
@gopher2b: I’m sorry for your loss. I believe you made the right decision. We’re their protectors, and you protected your kitty from unnecessary pain.
blondie
@WaterGirl: What a wonderful quote. I choked up just reading it and remembering my beloved pup.
Mnemosyne
@JohnK:
I think e-collars got a bad reputation because lazy owners were using them to discipline for everything the dog did wrong. From what I’ve heard, if you use it sparingly and for one specific behavior, it can be very helpful.
FlipYrWhig
@gopher2b:
So to the guardian of his tabby’s weal
Shall softest purrs these tender truths reveal:
“Ne’er shall thy now expiring puss forget
To thy kind care her long-enduring debt.”
–Anna Seward, 1792
WaterGirl
@blondie: Thanks, I think so, too. I was crying as I typed.
ruemara
I just don’t do drama. I have enough in my life.
the Conster
@gopher2b:
You did the right thing. Really, I wish that I get the same treatment when it’s my time.
Yatsuno
My poor Jillybean got her face kicked in by a horse. Mom is taking her to the vet this afternoon to get it sewed up after the ER vet wanted a small fortune for it.
gopher2b
A heartfelt thank you to everyone who posted responses. The anecdotes and quotes and empathy really helped assuage some of my guilt. I went for a five mile run too and that helped with some of the stress. About half way through the run I stopped by the lake, sat down, thought about him, and had a good cry. I wanted so bad to feel his presence but I didn’t. I half joked in my mind that he was busy visiting his mom and telling her about all his adventures, and his spirit would rejoin me later.
This is definitely one of those times where I am deeply jealous of people of faith. This agnostic didn’t take any chances, however, and I said a little prayer for him.
opiejeanne
@gopher2b: I don’t think that ever hurts and sometimes it might even help the person doing the praying.
Snarkworth
I’m trying not to blubber here, but dayum.
Juju
@gopher2b: You did the right thing, and it is a very hard thing to do. I went through the same thing with my dog about a year ago, and I still miss her, but then I miss all my dogs. The one thing that has helped me through everything is Martha. A red golden retriever who was abandoned by her family when they moved. We needed each other, so I adopted her. Martha needs hugs all the time and I haves plenty of hugs to give. It has been the best medicine for what was hurting my heart. When you are ready, just think, somewhere there is another kitty who needs you as much as you need that kitty.
I send hugs to you for the loss of your dear kitty.
Blehmann
I have had some serious trauma in the past few years but one thing that makes me feel strong is the death of my “heart” dog, Felony. She had cancer but started suffering from complications from her prednisone and other meds. I had her put to sleep at home. She died with a bully stick in her mouth, surrounded by her family with her tail still trying to wag. I am so glad that I had the strength to let her go.
J R in WV
@gopher2b:
Hi Gopher,
We have had cats for decades, since not long after we were married in 1971. Mrs JR was in the hospital recently for 2 months with pneumonia and septic shock. she was in MICU at first, on a vent, for 3 weeks.
Then Ralph had kidney failure… feed him this disgusting K food… but he wouldn’t touch it. So I took him to the Vet and had him put down. He was on my lap as the Dr first gave him a sedative, and then something to stip his heart.
We were really close… as he got to an old cat, here in the WVa mountains winters are tough. He would get chilly, and as soon as I fell asleep he would creep into bed, and wrap himself around my bald head for the heat I was giving off. I would wake up to go pee, and he would talk to me as I came back to bed.
And Wife was in the hospital… I slept with the cats, and one of the dogs, and it helped me out a lot. Then Harvey, a little orange tabby alley cat, a co-worker had been feeding him, but her landlord was gonna call animan control because he was playing / fighting with the landlady’s cat.
We brought him home and we knew he was down in the basement eating and drinking and using themlitter box, but he was invisible – hence the name Harvey. He was friendly, even affectionate, with the family. Strangers, though, look out, he was gone.
After Rufus went down, Harvey slept on my head. He purred a little more than Rufus, the white and red cat. They both were secure and friendly. Harvey also went down while the wife was in the hospital. Same thing, kidney disease. They were both really old, 18 or so.
After years of having kitties and dogs, one thing I’ve learned. Take them in for that past appointment as soon as it looke like it will be the next thing. Don’t put it off, they are miserable, and you can end the misery quickly and painlessly.
Dont’ feel guilty. It is the best thing you can do for them. While my Dad was dying – if I could have made that happen quicker, I would have done it in a minute. He had leukemia and horrific side effects from the chemo, which is what killed him. He was glad to have done it, because it allowed him to know his Grand-children.
After Mrs JR got well enough to come home, I had to let he know what happened to Rufus and Harvey while she was in the Hospital. She said how sorry she was that I had to deal with all that while she was trapped in the ICU. OF course I told her that while I would ahve been grateful for her company, I was also glad to have teken care of them while she couldn’t help.
Then Boomer, the big dog, 90 lbs of sweet if he knew you, and 90 pounds of scary if he didn’t know you, Boomer’s kidneys failed too
The neighbors rescued him as a puppy, and we told them as soon as he was toilet trained we would take him. He was great. Big booming bark, kinda funny because he wasn’t really aggressive at all.
Anyway, Gopher, don’t regret helping one of your cats or dogs at the end of their lives. It is a mercy to let them go before they are totally miserable. It’s the last, most difficult, best gift you can give them. So hard, but so merciful.
Please. Don’t blame yourself! You owe it to your fuzzy loved ones to care for them all the way to the end. And the best end is when your Vet and your family know that there is no better choice than to let them go.
Mercy!
Best of luck!
Mrs JR is all well, and we have a new young dog, an older dog teaching Alice how to behave as a good dog, and two middle aged cats who don’t really get along that well. But they live in the woods, a forested mountain they cna run on, and roam in the dark.
Take care!
JR in W. Va.
Grover Gardner
We have three “labs”–a prissy golden who hates getting dirty or wet, a big black shaggy Newfie mix who loves rain, mud, birds and cold weather, and as much water as you can possibly provide, and a slinky little black lab/pit bull mix guy who is a character. The big girls are fine at the park, and so is the little guy–until you bring out the ChuckIt, then it’s competition city and a lot of aggressive behavior around the ball. So we either take them to a local church lawn, or leave the ball behind when we go to the dog park. Our dog park is mostly fine but there’s the occasional drama. There’s a group of boxer owners who come and those boxers sometimes gang up on someone else’s dog. But generally it’s pretty safe.
My wife and I rarely argue and don’t like to do so, but we are good friends with a couple who seem to thrive on constant tension. It can be a little exhausting to be around them.
Melissa
For great dog parks try Toronto and Edmonton. Toronto (what was the city, not metro area) has many, I could always walk to one. They’re sections of larger parks and the users are responsible for maintenance & policing the area, which they do successfully. The sharp anger directed at some one who fails to scoop is scary. This mix of dog park, baseball diamond, picnic areas and free roaming space always impressed me.
Edmonton has masses of trails leading in out of the area by the wider. Very beautiful and dogs are welcome.
I love living in Saskatoon except for the disregard for dogs, including dog parks. We do short city walks and make it to one of the city dog pars (very few, small and ugly) . We do go to to a mile long area on the edge of the city. The control of the area is in dispute and we’re pressing the Valley Authority to acknowledge it as an open, dog-welcom zone.
Paul in KY
@FlyingToaster: I disagree.