This is just too awesome for words:
The U.S. government wants conservative author and filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza to be sentenced to as much as 16 months in prison, following his guilty plea to a campaign finance law violation.
In a Wednesday court filing, federal prosecutors rejected defense arguments that D’Souza was “ashamed and contrite” about his crime, had “unequivocally accepted responsibility,” and deserved a sentence of probation with community service.
D’Souza, 53, admitted in May to illegally reimbursing two “straw donors” who donated $10,000 each to the unsuccessful 2012 U.S. Senate campaign in New York of Wendy Long, a Republican he had known since attending Dartmouth College in the early 1980s.
The government said a 10- to 16-month prison sentence was appropriate for D’Souza, and necessary to deter others from abusing the election process, including “well-heeled individuals who are tempted to use their money to help other candidates.”
It also said D’Souza waited to “the last possible moment” prior to trial before admitting guilt, and then went on TV shows and the Internet to complain about being “selectively” targeted for prosecution, and having little choice but to plead guilty.
“Based on the defendant’s own post-plea statements, the court should reject the defendant’s claims of contrition on the eve of sentencing,” prosecutors led by U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara in Manhattan said in the filing.
Excuse me while I take a cold shower.
BTW- the title from this post is a variation of a comment one of you made several weeks ago and I have shamelessly claimed it as my own.
eemom
awesomest post title evah.
Shinobi
mmmmmmmmmmm *goes for cigarette*
Belafon
If the prosecution laid out everything D’Souza has said since he admitted guilt, it would probably take close to a year to watch. It would probably guarantee the longest sentence as well, especially if you believe that the purpose of jail time is to teach the person a lesson.
Felinious Wench
Here’s a hint, Dinesh. If you post it on the Internet, someone will read it.
Punchy
The words “ashamed”, “contrite”, and “Republican” shall never, ever again be mentioned in the same sentence, lest the world collapse upon itself in a heap of Higgs bosons.
I’m sure this is all President Dark Matter’s fault.
Cervantes
You people are heartless.
brantl
I think that Mr. D’Souza shall be very heartened by his first-hand view of the justice system, as he has been deploring its laxity for years, I think the beatdown he is in for will cheer him up ENORMOUSLY. It certainly will do that for me, in his case.
Amir Khalid
Alas, that’s just about the opposite of the meaning I think you intend. Rather, we should get ready for some Freude (joy) over the Schaden (misfortune) that is about to befall Dinesh D’Souza.
That said, “I’m really really sorry” is about as feeble and perfunctory a plea in mitigation as a wrongdoer could offer. D’Souza is a writer. Is that really all he can manage?
Cacti
I have a stylistic complaint.
Front page posts should refer to this individual as “Convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza”.
Jebediah, RBG
@Cervantes:
If the judge goes along with the request, at the end of the letter, to consider D’souza’s life and contributions, he’ll end up at Gitmo.
Cacti
@Amir Khalid:
I’m not sure what sort of advice convicted felon D’Souza has been getting from counsel, but when you’ve copped a voluntary guilty plea, going on a national “I’m the real victim here” tour is about the worst thing you could do prior to sentencing.
His protestations to the contrary, nobody forced him to waive his right to a jury trial.
Belafon
@Amir Khalid: Welcome to America, where we abuse language like we do everything else.
Mike in NC
Alternately, give this scumbag grifter a Kevlar helmet and some body armor, along with a broken rifle, and put him in charge of recruiting an invasion force from among the warmongers in Washington who are so eager to have another war in the Middle East.
boatboy_srq
@Amir Khalid:
Really? Have you read the bilge he prints?
GxB
Couldn’t have happened to a better douchebag, but I can’t help but wonder if his skin color has at least a little something to do with his conviction.
Amir Khalid
@boatboy_srq:
Yes, but he got paid more for his bilge than I ever did for mine.
Cervantes
@Amir Khalid:
1. With this kind of humor, the meaning of foreign words and phrases is beside the point. In fact, running rough-shod over said meaning is precisely what makes it funny (to those who enjoy it).
2. He is a writer. I have not found him to be a good writer but you’re right, his plight should have moved him to new heights.
@Jebediah, RBG:
You’re just toying with me now.
boatboy_srq
@Cacti:
Describes the entirety of the post-Obama GOTea rather well.
shelley
Feh, if this is his first offense, I wouldn’t hold your breath.
And if he does get anything close to that sentence, his reputation as right-wing martyr is cemented.
boatboy_srq
@Amir Khalid: I guess you just picked the wrong sources to cut/paste, then. ,-)
Cervantes
@GxB: He pleaded guilty. I doubt it was his skin that did that.
Cacti
Speaking of schadenfreude…
Sarah Palin and family were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl.
Amir Khalid
@Cervantes:
He said to the can’t-help-himself grammar fussbudget.
shelley
Ha. Reminds me of an old Steve Martin routine. Where he shows how to get out of paying your taxes. And if the IRS comes after you, all you have to do is say ‘I forgot!’ Problem solved!
Amir Khalid
@Cacti:
That news makes me want to stand up and cheer.
big ole hound
@Amir Khalid: You mean by writing in this space I am not a writer or just not a paid writer.
burnspbesq
@Jebediah, RBG:
Nobody should ever be sent to Gitmo, and I have my doubts about whether anybody should be sent to the Federal Supermax in Colorado.
However, if D’Souza ends up in Marion, IL, with a 6’6″, 300-pound Aryan Nation meth-cooker for a cellmate … kewl.
ranchandsyrup
@Cacti: i was just enjoying their misfortune.
Moar linky: video of reaction by two eye witnesses to Michael Brown’s shooting in Ferguson
different-church-lady
So ashamed and contrite, in fact, that he’ll probably make a film about the brutal government persecution he suffered over the matter.
Amir Khalid
@big ole hound:
I mean I used to be a journalist.
boatboy_srq
@Cacti: Thought that was just Wednesday evening chez Palin.
schrodinger's cat
You go Preet!
@Amir Khalid: Does Lolspeak move you to tears, then?
Shakezula
I just hope he’ll remember he spent part of his time bitching at Google because he didn’t like the way the search engine handled the word America.
@Mike in NC: Mmm. No, that’s far too voluntary. I’m still for rounding them up herding them to Andrews and shoving them on a plane.
JPL
@Cacti: hahaha… Surely someone video taped the fight. Maybe TMZ will offer a large some of money, in order to obtain it.
boatboy_srq
@JPL: Paging Larry Flynt…
SFAW
@Jebediah, RBG:
I noticed you left out “humility.” And D’Douchebag is nothing if not humble.
Actually, if the sentencing judge (one wishes Isaac Parker were still around) notices the “humility” thing, he might laugh for a longer time than the max sentence the Govt is asking.
Amir Khalid
@schrodinger’s cat:
Tears of joy, when it’s done right.
Big Picture Pathologist
@eemom:
+1
My day, she is made.
some guy
Great news about Obama pitching in to help the Assad regime in their fight against ISIS and their brand of Wahabbi terror.
some guy
We helped the Revolutionary Guards from Iran battle ISIS in Ameril, now we are gonna help the Assad regime retake Raqqa.
America, fuck yeah!
David in NY
God. Somebody who should know better made a prison rape “joke” up there. Can’t people just cut it out?
Patricia Kayden
Dying for when D’Souza comes out of jail from his 16-month stay and makes his next filmed screed against President Hilary Clinton. Hopefully, there won’t be too many Blahs where’s he is imprisoned. Otherwise things could get very uncomfortable for such a vocally racist Rightwinger.
JPL
Fox news will talk about those thugs who are not in jail, while a true patriot is.
@some guy: Ten Arab countries have promised to help. Maybe Saudi will stop funding ISIL. BBC just calls them IS formerly known as ISIL. I’m not sure why though.
Cervantes
@David in NY: Cheap laugh. Desperate comedian?
Sourmash
Where does Dinesh stand on punishments for voter fraud? Since he has been convicted of illegally attempting to influence the outcome of an election, how did he advocate treating people who he accused of doing the exact same thing through voter fraud? I assume he wanted to see prison sentences, ya know, to deter other who might think of doing it. Or did he know it never happened so he just yelled about it to rile up the rubes and never got around to advocating a punishment, a sure tell for those who are not taking seriously whatever issue they are shrieking about.
SFAW
@Sourmash:
Trick question?
Barbara
Before you set yourself up for disappointment, I would be really surprised if he got that kind of sentence. Just based on what I have been seeing over the last couple of years. Carry on.
some guy
@JPL:
Really? Awesome. Qatar (al Nusrah Front patrons) and Saudi Arabia (ISIS patrons) are gonna pitch in to fight Wahabbi terror? That should be a good comedy to watch.
David in NY
D’Souza made about the worst error he could have in complaining that he was selectively prosecuted and didn’t “intend” to break the law even after the judge found he had produced “no evidence” of selective prosecution and he had admitted his guilt (and thus his actual intent) in an agreement also admitting he had not “accept[ed] responsibility” for his crime. If he didn’t want to go to jail, he should have shut up.
Patricia Kayden
@ranchandsyrup: Seems to reconfirm that the police shooting was unjustified. There are too many witnesses saying the same thing and none appear to support Officer Wilson’s side of the story. It’s sad that he mostly will not be charged with anything. I cannot imagine that he can ever work in Ferguson again.
SFAW
@Barbara:
I hinted at Isaac Parker earlier, but I’d be OK with Graham Chapman doing the sentencing, just before he’s off to South Africa.
David in NY
@Cervantes: I’m hoping nobody’s laughing. I’ve represented people who were brutalized in prison. Not funny.
SFAW
@Patricia Kayden:
Except they’s all blah people – even the ones that don’t look it – so you can’t believe what they say. Now if Regular people had said that stuff, that might be different.
boatboy_srq
@Patricia Kayden: I cannot imagine Wilson can ever work in law enforcement again. Then again, I’m sure Sheriff Arpaio would give him a job if asked.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@Barbara: Meh. I won’t really be disappointed. D’Souza is James O’Keefe with the vocabulary of the worst kind of first year grad student. If anything, he’s probably less influential.
Cervantes
@David in NY: I agree.
@David in NY: Shutting up has not exactly been d’Souza’s strong suit.
David in NY
@SFAW: @Barbara:
The government did a good job of finding cases where people having committed a similar crime got jail time. D’Souza’s case is not as egregious as some, but is worse than others. I think his lawyer didn’t do him any favors by including in letters on his behalf included as exhibits some that minimized his culpability, in much the ways he did after he pled guilty.
I don’t recall much about Judge Berman’s reputation as a sentencer (not tough, I think, but not a soft touch), but I don’t think any of them like somebody who pleads guilty, then goes on TV justifying himself.
Belafon
@David in NY: Maybe I purposefully misread, but if you’re talking about the burnsie comment, I took it to mean someone who would scare the shit out of D’souza. If it’s a different one, then I missed it.
raven
gogol's wife
@Cacti:
Très amusant.
jonas
@Patricia Kayden: I cannot imagine that he can ever work in Ferguson again
I can imagine any number of gigs he could line up — spokesman for an assault rifle and teargas manufacturer; law enforcement commentator on Fox News; GOP Congressman. When you’re a horrible, incompetent, unarmed citizen-shooting, racist sack of FAIL, the possibilities are endless.
Trollhattan
@Cacti:
Holy crap, that’s awesome. Coming to The Learning Channel: “Can You Whoop a Palin?”
divF
@GxB:
I kinda doubt it.
This is selective prosecution in the same sense that Martha Stewart’s was.
Mike G
Which blows a hole in the “ashamed and contrite” storyline. Judges tend to frown upon defendants grandstanding on TV. His ego wrote checks his body will have to cash.
It probably is selective prosecution (these crimes inevitably are), but I can’t think of a smarmier asshole who deserves to be made an example, especially given his history of enthusiasm for government dishing out cruelty and punishment to people who aren’t him.
I look forward to his next film, “D’Souza’s America 2016: Convicted Felon”
ranchandsyrup
@Patricia Kayden: that’s my take too.
Trollhattan
@Mike G:
He’ll get be-martyred and Foxified once he gets out. It’s worked well at least as far back as Liddy and Ollie North. “Patriots” all.
different-church-lady
@Cacti:
Sarah Palin and her family are a 20-person drunken brawl all by themselves.
Gex
@divF: Brown people can be racist you know. Dinesh himself would be a prime example.
Cervantes
@Trollhattan:
Oliver North spent not one blessed day in jail.
In fact, the only person to spend even a day in jail as a result of Iran-Contra was a minister in John Poindexter’s home-town who stole a street sign bearing Poindexter’s name and held it for a thirty-million-dollar ransom, that being the amount Reagan and his thugs stole from the US to illegally fund the contras.
Geeno
@JPL: Because when they declared themselves the new Caliphate they were no longer claiming just Iraq and the Levant, but the whole of the Muslim world. So now they’re just the Islamic State.
Howard Beale IV
@Cervantes: The problem here was D’SOuza wasn’t a banker-he was/is nothing more than a political hack.
kc
@Cervantes:
Laura Ingraham a single mother? Goodness, I hope her children don’t grow up to be criminals.
SatanicPanic
@Cacti: boy does that put a smile on my face
Trollhattan
@different-church-lady: Invite one Palin, get every Palin. They’re remarkably similar to the Ozark branch of my in-laws.
Joel
Memories…
kc
@Cacti:
Oh my God, that is the most awesome thing I’ve read all month.
Suzanne
The right wing are just SOOOO TRASHY.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@SatanicPanic: @Trollhattan: My favorite part: Princess Dumbass trying to play the “Do you know who I am?” card
and the only reason we know who she is (and the only reason Track had the cash to stumble out of stretch Hummer), is that she was chosen to be one heartbeat away from the presidency by the man Andrea Mitchell introduced as “important” last night.
Cervantes
@kc: So long as they don’t take after any of her former boyfriends, they’ll be OK.
But don’t tell her I said that.
Pococurante
@David in NY: No different than other topics. Mention AIPAC, for example, and we go from reasonable criticism to “wipe Israel off the map” in two posts.
Progressives are no less xenophobic than others, just different blind spots.
scav
OT but similarly deliscious. Roll this descriptive sentence around on your tongue. Savor. The aristos are weighing in on Scottish Independence. Added a few others because I am weak and it’s good freude exercise for the schaden, still go for the bold.
Guard on Tattler
On the serious-ish side, 97% register to vote in referendum so at least they’re paying attention. Seem to be. Granted, better still if they show up for the dull stuff as well, but as a sign they still think participation matters and is worthwhile . . .
PurpleGirl
@Cacti: Oh. my. (in George Takei’s voice, with eyebrows raising)
Comrade Colette Collaboratrice
OT, but my freude at this was just a little schadened (schadified?) by the fact that a child or two could easily have feloniously interfered with her entirely lawful bullets:
Teacher accidentally shoots self in leg at school
SatanicPanic
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: “do you know who I am?” “I wish I didn’t!”
Amir Khalid
@scav:
I found J.K. Rowling’s take on the matter to be interesting.
JustRuss
Silly me, I always assumed PG Wodehouse’s characters were fictional.
JustRuss
@Comrade Colette Collaboratrice:
The ability of certain legislators to plumb new depths of stupid is truly breathtaking.
Trollhattan
@Comrade Colette Collaboratrice:
Elementary school? Elementary school?!? She was packing heat in elementary school?!? Sweet romping Ronny Reagan on a Roomba, what the fuck is an elementary school teacher doing with a fucking gun around children? Should have shot herself in the brain, as she obviously doesn’t use the damn thing. Bleccch.
Roger Moore
@Trollhattan:
Picturing herself being the hero who prevents the next Newtown massacre.
Amir Khalid
@Comrade Colette Collaboratrice:
Translation: “It’s a fucking stupid law, obviously, but I couldn’t say that in public and keep my job.”
Trollhattan
@Roger Moore:
Sadly, you’re probably right. In Baretta v Bushmaster+body armor, the outcome is preordained.
She should go to Missouri and become a cop.
Pogonip
Meh. His sentence will be mostly suspended and, if he does do any time, it’ll be in a country club prison. I’d rather hear about elephant polo.
Trollhattan
@JustRuss: “elephant polo?” Do they drive around in Hummers, whacking an elephant with giant mallets?
Amir Khalid
@Trollhattan:
Not quite.
JPL
@Geeno: Thank You.
Cervantes
@Pogonip: You’re welcome.
Trollhattan
@Amir Khalid: Hilarious. I see they intentionally made the mallet too short, all the better to make fun of the aristocracy.
scav
@Amir Khalid: They have chauffeurs!!
CALfan
Eemom @ #1 is right, Brace Your Freude To Be Thoroughly Schadened
is “the awesomest title evah.”
But Punchy @#5 wins the Internets for today with ” President Dark Matter.”
Amir Khalid
@Trollhattan:
Notice, too, that the aristo polo player is only a passenger on the elephant; the mahout is in charge there.
Citizen_X
@Cacti: For the millionth time, thank you, John McFuckingCain.
…And the man in green
on the snow machine
got his teeth knocked into the sky
And the half-term Guv
who the wingnuts love
gives ’em starbursts with a wink of her eye
Oh, yeah! It was a mud pit
Unsurprisingly meth-rich
Bristol’s fists were working
As McCain started jerking, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
And the mom of Track
said, “Everyone attack!”
and it started an Alaskan Blitz
And the girl with cheap wine
started punching overtime
and it started an Alaskan Blitz
Alaskan Blitz!
Haydnseek
In a few years, some wingnut vanity press will shit out: “Dinesh D’Sousa-Mein K’ampf!
Villago Delenda Est
This is good news for John McCain.
May D’Dumbshit rot in a cell the entire time. If only all “conservative” offal could be so stored.
Trollhattan
@Amir Khalid:
Similar to how my daughter “leaned” to ride a pony, with somebody holding the reins and walking alongside. She did not demand a gin and tonic afterwards, however.
Villago Delenda Est
@Haydnseek: OK, need a valid shipping address to deliver the Intertubes to you.
Villago Delenda Est
@Citizen_X:
The Sweet are on line two, they’ve cuffed their lawyer because they’re laughing so hard at that take on one of their hits.
eldorado
@Cacti: goes double for convicted felon james o’keefe.
Villago Delenda Est
@Cervantes: Not only did the maggot not spend a day in jail, he kept his pension, due to the personal intervention of the shitty grade Z movie star.
He should have been discharged for the good of the service after what he did.
Disgrace to the uniform he once wore.
Schlemazel [was Schlemizel till NotMax taught me proper yiddish!]
@Cervantes:
Bastard should get 10 years tacked on for her support!
moops
Usually the convicted felon victim gets a free ride on the wingnut welfare gravy train, but I haven’t seen Scooter Libby is a while…. Perhaps Dinesh did learn the right lesson. You have to really sell your martyrdom before the sentencing if you want to rise up afterwards and get your cushy spot back.
Jebediah, RBG
@Citizen_X:
awesome!
burnspbesq
@Belafon:
You took it exactly as I intended it.
burnspbesq
@divF:
Exactly. He was selected for prosecution because there was enough evidence to convict.
Jebediah, RBG
@jonas:
Pretty sure you’re right. Sadly, there will be a job somewhere for Officer Killblack.
Lee
@Amir Khalid:
Here is one that the parents can handle. I would ask if the teacher is planning on carrying a weapon to class. If they answer yes, then transfer kid to a teacher that is not packing heat.
Soon the teachers that are packing are looking for employment.
shortstop
Wasn’t one of Dinesh’s straw donors the lass he introduced as his fiancee at some conservative Christian function? At the time, both were still married to other people with no official separation or divorce proceedings underway. When folks expressed their disapproval, D’Souza claimed he’d had no idea it was considered bad taste to whip out a wife-to-be while the current wife is still around.
I’ve long thought this guy was stupid, arrogant and hypocritical, but I also think he has absolutely no social skills — sort of like Asperger’s without the high IQ. This latest round of interviews seems to clinch it.
JustRuss
@Citizen_X: I simply cannot wait for the video.
Elizabelle
@Citizen_X:
Well done, sir. Well done.
Patricia Kayden
@different-church-lady: Two big thumbs up for that comment. LOL.
JR in WV
David,
Joking about a Republican election fraud criminal of SE Asia racial background being sent to prison where he might meet an Aryan Nation meth cooker is not necessarily a prison rape joke.
I’m sorry your life has put you in the place where every prison joke is necessarily a rape joke, but that is not the case in the real world.
That is all, goodbye.
On another topic, I’m delighted for Dinesh’s problems. He has proved himself to have no morals or ethics, to be willing to involve others in criminal acts, to practice hypocrisy as a way of life. In other words, to be a professional Republican racist operative.
The fact that he will need to mix with a whole new and different class of fellow citizens in prison is a benefit to his education, and a big funny to those of us with real ethics and morals.
Fuck you Dinesh, if there was any way to send you back where you came from, I would contribute to your one-way ticket purchase … you are an embarrassment to your parents.
Jebediah, RBG
@Lee:
If I were a parent, I would want to know both because of the obvious risk and because anyone who thinks a gun in an elementary school classroom is a good idea is not likely bright enough to be a good teacher.
M. Bouffant
Title credit.
LT
John you should have just twisted it and made it yours. It realy should be the schaden getting freuded.
Cervantes
@JR in WV:
The last bit is not something you know, is it?
The rest is pretty ugly.
And for the record, India is not in South-east Asia.
Robert Sneddon
@scav: The 97% registration figure in Scotland is not that notable given the ease of registering to vote in the UK compared to the arcane and corrupt methodologies employed in the US.
Basically anyone resident in the UK, and that includes a lot of foreign non-citizens for several local and national elections, gets their name put on the Register of Electors based on their place of residence. The Register is usually updated every September, the local government posts a form to each address in the area and someone, usually the homeowner fills the details of who lives there (name, age etc.) and their nationality and then mails it back. That’s it, no party affiliation, no signatures, no proof of identity required or poll tax or other bullshit. It’s an offence to vote if not entitled and people have been prosecuted in the past for doing so.
There’s no bar to voting as a felon or criminal who has served their custodial sentence and there are moves afoot to give criminals in custody the right to vote. The only people specifically barred from voting are, to the delight of comedians for generations, people judged to be currently mentally incompetent and peers of the Realm.
Villago Delenda Est
@Cervantes: D’Shithead is shit. Has nothing to do with his skin color, or his ethnicity, or his religion. It has to do with the gaping abyss that is the content of his character.
Cervantes
@Villago Delenda Est: What are you talking about?
PhilbertDesanex
@Trollhattan: What brain?
Procopius
@Amir Khalid: Of course he got paid more than you. Remember, it ain’t what you write, it’s who you write for. He’s deep, deep in the wingnut welfare trough.
Someguy
I’m pretty stoked that he’s about to go to federal prison for making illegal campaign donations. Given the existence of the Open Secrets.org database, i wonder if it wouldn’t be possible to rack up a lot more Republican donors for similar screwups?
The Lodger
@David in NY: What rape? Even a 6’6″, 300-pound Aryan Nation meth-cooker has some standards.