As the world now knows, Florida Governor Rick Scott is petty enough to pout in his dressing room like a diva and delay a gubernatorial debate over a small battery-powered fan installed under his opponent’s podium. That’s the story that grabbed all the headlines, and as John pointed out last night, it may cost Scott reelection.
If FanGate takes Scott down, so be it: Al Capone was ultimately jailed for tax evasion, after all. But for many of us who watched the debate live, the fan standoff wasn’t even the weirdest part. What left the mister and I shaking our heads in wonder was Scott’s constant struggle — and consistent failure — to come across as an actual human being.
Here’s an example — a two-minute clip of both candidates’ closing statements. This should be a gimme putt for any half-way competent politician: There are no gotcha questions; it’s just you making a 60-second pitch for votes. Watch how badly Scott bungles it:*
I don’t speak much Spanish at all, but even I can tell he fucks that part up too. You can go to C-SPAN and watch any random clip of Scott speaking last night, and it will be just as cringe-inducing.
Even though the circumstances of their employment indicate that they’re evil, the handlers charged with installing human-like sound bites into this alien life form for regurgitation onstage are to be pitied.
The mystery isn’t how Scott was elected in the first place; he purchased the governorship straight up for $72 million. The mystery is how he ever functioned as a CEO. I’ve been acquainted with a few of that species in my time, and though they are frequently arrogant, ruthless pricks, all displayed at least a rudimentary trace of what we call “people skills.”
Scott’s wondrous Medicare fraud skill set must have conveyed itself to higher-ups early in his career by some means other than human interaction. Let’s just hope the goddamn fan was the seventh Horcrux.
*I apologize for the laggy audio, but trust me, it was just as surreal live.