Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

When you’re in more danger from the IDF than from Russian shelling, that’s really bad.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Polls are now a reliable indicator of what corporate Republicans want us to think.

We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.

Dear media: perhaps we ought to let Donald Trump speak for himself!

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

They love authoritarianism, but only when they get to be the authoritarians.

This isn’t Democrats spending madly. This is government catching up.

No offense, but this thread hasn’t been about you for quite a while.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

This is dead girl, live boy, a goat, two wetsuits and a dildo territory.  oh, and pink furry handcuffs.

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

Dear elected officials: Trump is temporary, dishonor is forever.

Republicans do not trust women.

Nothing says ‘pro-life’ like letting children go hungry.

The press swings at every pitch, we don’t have to.

The poor and middle-class pay taxes, the rich pay accountants, the wealthy pay politicians.

If you thought you’d already seen people saying the stupidest things possible on the internet, prepare yourselves.

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

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Reader Interactions

61Comments

  1. 1.

    taylormattd

    That’s likely one of the best Onion articles of all time. The one about the church offering homosexuals a life in the closet is also fantastic.

  3. 3.

    Tim F.

    @taylormattd: If I had to pick the best I’d choose their inagural articles for new Presidents.

    Clinton: New President Promises To Feel America’s Pain, Breasts
    Bush II: Bush: America’s Long National Nightmare of Peace, Prosperity is Now Over
    Obama: Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job

    But there are so many. This. Or, from way back in the print era, “Jenny McCarthy Lured to FOX Network by Bright Light”. That one has aged like a fine Bourdeaux.

  5. 5.

    BGinCHI

    @Tim F.: Those three are my faves. They stick in my head when other shit from newspapers runs out like water.

    No, I don’t know why water is running out of my head.

    All major universities help athletes cheat. It’s common knowledge. Maybe raven will stop by and give us a sense of how it’s done at UGA.

  7. 7.

    Elizabelle

    I never tire of the Onion. It gets there first, alarmingly often.

    Can a Pulitzer be far behind? I fear the powers that be have not the sense of humor and justice.

  8. 8.

    Trollhattan

    This was a nice thing to read on an otherwise crappy news day.

    The UK’s wind farms generated more power than its nuclear power stations on Tuesday, the National Grid says.

    The energy network operator said it was caused by a combination of high winds and faults in nuclear plants.

    Wind farms are causing controversy in rural areas and the government is choking off planning permission for new sites. But for a 24-hour period yesterday, spinning blades produced more energy than splitting atoms. Wind made up 14.2% of all generation and nuclear offered 13.2%.

    It follows another milestone on Saturday, when wind generated a record amount of power – 6,372 MW, according to National Grid. This formed nearly 20% of the the UK’s electricity, albeit at a time at the weekend when demand is relatively low.

    But wind power’s ascendancy over nuclear is expected to be temporary. The situation is caused by windy conditions boosting the output from turbines at a time when eight out of the UK’s 15 nuclear reactors are offline.

  9. 9.

    raven

    @BGinCHI: The big scandal here was with Jan Kemp. It happened a couple of years before I got here:

    Born in Griffin, Georgia, Kemp earned a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a doctorate in English education. She began teaching at the University of Georgia in 1978. In 1981 Kemp was one of the teachers who complained claiming that Georgia officials had intervened allowing nine college football players to pass a remedial English course, allowing them to play against Pittsburgh in the Sugar Bowl.

    Kemp was demoted in 1982 and dismissed one year later. She then filed a lawsuit claiming she had been fired due to her complaints about the passing of players. During the time after she was dismissed Kemp tried to commit suicide twice. The University defended its actions saying that Kemp was dismissed for “disruptive conduct and for failure to conduct adequate scholarly research.”[1]

    The jury found the University liable for the illegal dismissal of Kemp and she was awarded $2.5 million, which was later reduced to $1.08 million. Kemp was reinstated and University President Fred C. Davison resigned. After the trial Kemp spoke to The New York Times, saying, “All over the country, athletes are used to produce revenue. I’ve seen what happens when the lights dim and the crowd fades. They’re left with nothing. I want that stopped.” Kemp retired from teaching in 1990 and was named a hero of the 1980s by People magazine.

  10. 10.

    raven

    @BGinCHI: I also know people, one of whom you do too, that work very hard to help student-athletes learn basic academic skills. They hope that the kids can take advantage of the opportunity, such that it is, that they have.

  11. 11.

    BGinCHI

    @raven: Indeed. There is a fine line between the way the university goes out of its way to help players take advantage of their educational opportunities and getting them to pass without having learned the required skills or knowledge. I saw both at UGA. Poli Sci had quite a few enablers at the time….

  12. 12.

    Yossarian

    That headline is flat-out wrong. The investigator specifically and repeatedly denied the classes we’re set up to help athletes

  13. 13.

    raven

    @BGinCHI: I had an argument on a Georgia football blog with that contended that the where program that I got my masters existed for no reason than to keep football players eligible. Park and Recreation is not physics but I worked in the field for 20 years and hope that what I was doing had meaning for people.

  14. 14.

    JPL

    “Kenneth Wainstein, a former U.S. Justice Department official, more than 3,100 students enrolled in classes they did not have to show up for to receive credit. This took place over a span of approximately two decades, and according to the report, nearly half of those enrolled in the classes were student-athletes.”

    Who are the other half of the students that allowed to take a paper only class? hmm.. Actually the alums do a lot to support the program and they expect something in return.

    Do UNC diplomas have an asterisk?

  15. 15.

    Gin & Tonic

    A hard-hitting expose, certainly. Oh, wait

    The report does not incriminate any coaches or athletic administrators in the scheme,

  17. 17.

    Karen in GA

    OT, but despite all of your very kind and greatly appreciated efforts to help Iggy win the photo contest, he didn’t make the finals. THANKS, OBAMA!

    (He’s getting many treats anyway because he’s still the greatest dog in the universe.)

  18. 18.

    Gin & Tonic

    @raven: I actually know somebody who flunked out of a college-level Ski Resort Management program, because he expected one thing, and it turned out to be another.

  20. 20.

    raven

    @Gin & Tonic: When I was in the Nam my buddy, a Cornell grad, wanted me to go to their Hotel Admin Program. I opted for Leisure Studies at Illinois and FLUNKED out of that. Something about 100 hits of organic mescaline and a recent return to the states did me in. At the time it seemed like the last thing I wanted to do but 9 years later I did graduate.

  22. 22.

    Poopyman

    @BGinCHI:

    No, I don’t know why water is running out of my head.

    It’s allergy season. It’s happening to me too.

    In response to TimF I can only offer subject lines from 2 emails in my spam folder tonight:

    ‘Ex-Gay’ Pastor Rapes Teen, Allegedly Claims to Have ‘Warlock Powers’‏

    That one’s apparently real. This one from the Tea Party:

    Ted Cruz: A GOP Led Congress Will Expose an Obstructionist Obama‏

    Not so much.

  24. 24.

    wolfskin

    @raven:

    Among the fallen in the midst of the Jan Kemp case must be mentioned Fred Davison’s hatchet person VP Virginia Trotter, she of the no stoop no stretch kitchen (Dept of Home Economics, now renamed something I can’t even begin to synthesize.). We “err on the side of being wrong,” immortalized by the New Yorker in one of their tiny italicized blurbs at the bottom of larger articles.

  25. 25.

    Mike J

    @Trollhattan:

    The UK’s wind farms generated more power than its nuclear power stations on Tuesday, the National Grid says.

    If they build some more capacity they won’t need a hurricane to hit that mark.

  26. 26.

    raven

    @Gin & Tonic: Yea, I don’t doubt it. My buddy said he could get me in any school I wanted to because he knew how to work the system. I only had a GED and a correspondence course but it was enough. I had no business in a Big Ten or Ivy school at the time but I did manage to graduate. I actually was in polic-sci at Illinois after I broke my back and my DVR counselor said, “what the hell are you going to do with that”? He rightly convinced me that the LS degree was more marketable for me at the time.

  27. 27.

    Cacti

    For the rest of the ACC who have had to listen to decades worth of self-righteous prattle about the “Carolina Way” from Chapel Hill, the schadenfreude from this story must be nearly sublime.

  29. 29.

    pseudonymous in nc

    I’m sure that Mary Willingham will finally be acknowledged for blowing the whistle on this, after the concerted effort from UNC diehards to destroy her credibility and career.

    Ah, who am I kidding? They’re shitting on her and trying to spin the report already.

  35. 35.

    Amir Khalid

    @Trollhattan:
    Yeah, but that number is not the whole story: right now, about half the UK’s nuclear power generating capacity is offline for repairs or maintenance. Still, it’s encouraging news, made rather less so by the Cameron government’s bid to end tax breaks for wind farms. It says they are aren’t worth the money, and the farmland would be better used for growing food.

  36. 36.

    raven

    Here’s a nice one about the guy that saved a man from a burning house:

    He hoped the story would fade and he could go back to his job as a delivery man for a liquor company, without anyone connecting the video to him.
    “Why,” I ask. “Most of us liked to be thanked.”
    Artiaga’s eyes begin to fill with emotion. “We have to help each other out. We kill each other. We fight. We gotta help each other out. I don’t feel like a hero. If it was someone else, I’d help them, too.”

  38. 38.

    joel hanes

    @raven:

    100 hits of organic mescaline

    Sometimes I really really miss the 60’s.

    Today, even if I had the stuff, when would I find time to take it?

    Adulthood is overrated.

  40. 40.

    dmsilev

    I’ve always liked the Abortionplex story, because apparently a nontrivial number of people actually believed it.

  42. 42.

    burnspbesq

    @Cacti:

    For the rest of the ACC who have had to listen to decades worth of self-righteous prattle about the “Carolina Way” from Chapel Hill, the schadenfreude from this story must be nearly sublime.

    To an extent. But we still have FSU to live down. And the appellate court reinstated the defamation suit against Jim Boeheim for calling the young men who accused Bernie Fine liars.

  43. 43.

    raven

    @joel hanes: God it was intense. I bought it the morning I mustered out at Oakland Army Base. Took one and went to see Santana at the Fillmore. I then flew to Chicago, stayed home for three days and went to college. My shit was in the wind.

  44. 44.

    Trollhattan

    Remember the Salt Lake City school assholes who made kids throw their lunches away when they ran out of cafeteria credit? This is how it’s done, you feckless shitheels.

    SCUSD expands free breakfast program

    Students across Sacramento City Unified School District can now start their day with a free, nutritious breakfast thanks to the district’s expanded participation in the federal school meal program.

    With “universal breakfast,” students at all SCUSD elementary, K-8, middle and high schools are being offered free breakfast regardless of family income status. SCUSD is reimbursed for the cost of the meals by the federal government.

    Hopefully somebody will pop in to quip about the kids’ favorite cereal being “Uncle Sugar Pops.” I’ll be in the bar.

  46. 46.

    KG

    @JPL: the version of the story i read/heard earlier was that it was a regular class that students (usually athletes) could opt to take as a paper only class, and the professor didn’t grade the 10 page paper, instead it was the academic adviser. in undergrad (late 90s) i had more than a few classes in which attendance wasn’t mandatory, and some that were “paper” classes, but the rule was that there had to be at least three gradeable events – so usually it was a final (or midterm) and two papers, or presentation of some sort.

  47. 47.

    piratedan

    @burnspbesq: it’s everywhere in college sports. Some places do a worse job of hiding it than others. Ashamed it happened at Carolina, surprised…. not really. There’s always been big money associated with college sports and when there is THAT much money, well….. you can fill in the remainder of the blanks. That’s why it is so laughable to try and deny student-athletes some kind of stipend because of the amount of revenue that certain programs make off of their marquee programs. It has seriously skewed academics in our college system because it has replaced so much of the funding that used to come from government entities. Not sure that the old model of a 4 year academic degree is in the best interest these days of our youngsters in the current jobs market and on the basis of what a burden the financial debt is becoming to graduates over the last 15-20 years.

  48. 48.

    Another Holocene Human

    @dmsilev: Yeah, there must be a corollary to Poe’s law whereby obvious, over the top satire becomes trolling as the Dunning-Kruger effect kicks in, so for N internets at delta satire-ridiculousness there is episilon-DK stupidity level at which a discrete, non-zero number of people will have been trolled.

    Look upon your works. And despair.

  49. 49.

    Another Holocene Human

    @KG: Attendance optional is the European (continental) system, although there the whole grade (and your continued matriculation) is dependent upon the final exam, but when I accessed US higher education in the 90s and 00s every class I ever took had attendance requirements.

  50. 50.

    pseudonymous in nc

    @piratedan:

    There’s always been big money associated with college sports and when there is THAT much money, well….. you can fill in the remainder of the blanks.

    Combine that with the budget-squeezing push towards digital learning environments, where students are taking the multiple-choice midterm on a website regardless, and it’s an environment ripe for abuse, as FSU proved. And that’s even before you consider the institutional pressure on academic staff from the multi-million dollar corporations that are the athletics departments.

  52. 52.

    burnspbesq

    @pseudonymous in nc:

    Yeah. We in the ACC used to joke about the University of Maryland being a wholly-owned subsidiary of Under Armour, but it’s uncomfortably close to the truth.

    And don’t even get me started about the University of Oregon.

  53. 53.

    raven

    @SiubhanDuinne: I was out. Got a 30 day drop to go to college and was ready to rock. Since I was technically in the Army for a while I was able to fly military stand-by from San Fran to my “home of record”. Come on, baby do you want to go. . .

  55. 55.

    Anoniminous

    When the SO was a TA at a Big 10 school she got into major foo-foo for flunking the starting quarterback. Amazingly enough her prof and department head backed her up. Ultimately the President of the University got the Dean to give him a C- so the dumb ass could could play.

  56. 56.

    Karen in GA

    @JPL: Thanks. He’s doing well, but I think the confinement is starting to wear on him — he’s starting to get annoyed with it and kind of antsy. Either that, or it’s starting to wear on me, and he’s picking up on my own annoyance.

    If he were a human roommate, we’d probably be bickering a lot right now.

  57. 57.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Anoniminous: My ex had a QB in one of her classes when she was TAing. She got a notice that he was in the class and that she should notify the authorities if he had any problems. He did well without any help.

    ETA: Big 10 school as well.

  58. 58.

    schrodinger's cat

    @Omnes Omnibus: I have had mixed luck with student athletes. I have had some who were academically dumber than a box of hammers and while some who managed to get A’s. I never had to flunk anyone since they would drop out usually by the end of the first prelim.

  59. 59.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @schrodinger’s cat: I went to a D-III school as an undergrad so I really don’t have lot of familiarity with the way things work at a D-I school. Sports at my school were just something that some of the people (including me) did. No privileges, no money. Just the ability to say, years later, “I played x in college.”

  60. 60.

    Robert Sneddon

    @Mike J: The same wind generating capacity in the UK that produced 6.3GW yesterday was only producing a few hundred MW for several days recently. The average amount of electricity wind generated in the UK is about 2GW but it swings wildly; I’ve seen it drop to less than 100MW on occasion over the past few months. We’d have to build a lot more wind farms than we’ve already got to cover the calm days, maybe thirty or forty times as many as we already have at a cost of hundreds of billions. Either that or get used to not having enough electricity occasionally.

    All the time a ex-hurricane was blowing over the UK at the weekend more half our generating capacity was supplied by fossil carbon, coal and gas as it usually is.

  61. 61.

    BobS

    @raven: “organic mescaline” would be peyote or one of the psychoactive trichocereus cactus species. Mescaline is expensive and difficult to synthesize in a lab and virtually everything marketed as mescaline — then and now — is something else like LSD or DOB (a psychedelic amphetamine).

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