Wingnut darling Ben Carson, MD went on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club and said God is after him to run for president in 2016.
But Dr. Carson better watch out — God trolled the shit out of Bachmann, Cain and Santorum last time.
You’d think Pat Robertson would have had the courtesy to warn Dr. Carson about God’s tendency to make crank callings: In addition to urging Robertson himself to make a futile run at the presidency once, God set him up good last year when He told Robertson that Mitt Romney would win and serve two terms, making the pastor look like a fool when Obama kicked Romney’s ass.
#LOLGOD!
dedc79
Reading this, I feel the fingers of god pushing down my throat making me want to hurl.
Amir Khalid
Maybe it’s not God …
Scott S.
God’s a bit of an asshole, ain’t he?
Betty Cracker
@Scott S.: He’s just having a little fun!
BillinGlendaleCA
@Scott S.: Nah, God just has a wicked sense of humor.
ETA: @Betty Cracker: Great minds, etc.
srv
God is just not a reliable indicator.
Maybe he’s drinking too much.
? Martin
Probably just God wanting a reacharound.
The Other Bob
@? Martin: That aint god, just a priest thinking he is a god.
kindness
Gods fingers? Is Carson wearing two wet suits?
Trollhattan
If the good Doktor had ever operated on me I’d be seeking follow-up evaluation from somebody else. What a maroon.
mai naem mobile
This calls for a Bob Newhart call to god You tube clip.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Trollhattan: What is it with pediatric neurosurgeons? The failed Republican Senate candidate in Oregon is one too.
JohnK
If Ben feels god’s fingers anywhere near his prostate, Ben might be misunderstanding god’s good news.
srv
Why doesn’t God use his fingers more productively:
KG
i like to think that God is pushing Carson while Jesus is kneeling down behind him, like you’d do to your friends as a kid. only this isn’t done friendly.
BillinGlendaleCA
@srv:
Hmmm, guess they’re into S&M. What ever works for them, as long as it’s consensual. Who am I to judge.
dmsilev
@srv: And how exactly did convicted-felon-Dinesh-D’Souza recommend the GOP do that?
jl
I hear the voices of angry crazy people saying crazy things. Glad that they are not in my head and I can get away from them, if I put some effort into it. I do hear the voice of God telling me to stay as far away as possible. I am certain of that.
Good luck to him, though. From my perspective, the 2016 GOP primary badly needs Dr. Carson, and as many people as possible like him. Then the angry crazy voices will be all in one place, easier to avoid.
Another Holocene Human
Ben Carson is trying to learn the fine points of the grift from Ol’ Grinning Genocide Artist Pat, then?
When did money and attention-seeking become more important than literally everything else, Ben?
Why?
Another Holocene Human
@BillinGlendaleCA: There’s also that neurosurgeon (not pediatric as far as I know) named Jack Kruse who did a TedX talk claiming (almost certainly erroneously) that he was bathing himself routinely in ice water for long periods of time (er, like you would do with a heart patient who’s well under … yeah right, Jack) and this would make his body as strong as Jack LaLane crossed with Pat Robertson. And there’s his TimeCube-Lite website with the “Quilt” which is all basically primal/paleo diet bullshit. And the crap he pulled on a Low Carb Cruise where he claimed the FBI was involved … this is so he didn’t have to reveal his secret health panacea “Factor X” because now they were in the port with law enforcement. It’s all good though, he called the female blogger who called him out for this the c-word. A real man.
Another Holocene Human
@srv:
D’Souza’s reaching for that Jimmy Swaggert prize in punditry, quite an accomplishment for a former right-wing law nerd.
Brendan in NC
Alternate headline “God gives Ben Carson the finger in 2016”
Baud
This reminds me that it’s time to get my prostate checked.
Pogonip
How does this doofus know God doesn’t want to see him suffer a humiliating loss in all 50 states?
Baud
@Pogonip:
Because God knows Oklahoma exists.
chopper
He feels the fingers of god? If only he were a proctologist, the jokes would write themselves.
Ripley
@BillinGlendaleCA:
Maybe familiarity in dealing with tiny brains is a plus in GOP politics.
Pogonip
Religious education is in a deplorable state. If this guy knew anything about Christianity, he would know God NEVER tells you to do something you wanted to do anyway. His commands tend to run more to “Go spend the rest of your life in Calcutta taking care of starving outcasts who are covered with oozing, infected sores. See you in 60 years.”
SFAW
Gotta say, I’m glad I lived long enough to see that line.
Fixed
pat
I guess if you can believe in god, you can believe anything.
I sometimes hand out a couple of bucks to the guys standing at the intersection with signs, and when they say “God bless you” I reply, “I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in eating.”
Hope it gives them something to think about.
SFAW
@Pogonip:
Excellent point.
God: “Dinesh, this is God. Remember that story about Abraham and Isaac? Well, for this go-around, you’re Isaac, and that Louie Gohmert guy will be taking the role of Abraham.”
God (sotto voce, to his Angel): “Listen, this time, will you just put a sock in it until Gohmert is done? Or would you like to visit a warmer climate for All Eternity? If you get my drift.”
Jamey
“Using this doll. Dr. Carson, show us where the man with the long beard and flowing robes touched you.”
justawriter
OK Ben, it’s all right. Just show me on the doll where God touched you.
Mike in NC
Carson might be feeling God’s thumb jammed up his butthole.
Jebediah, RBG
“crank callings” nice!
JustRuss
Didn’t God tell the last batch of Republican presidential wannabes to run? Funny how they all got punked, it’s almost like He’s not all that into them.
My dream question at the first Republican presidential debate: “Governor Perry, you say God told you to run for president. Dr. Carson and Gov. Huckabee say the same thing. How do you explain that?”
Morzer
Those ain’t God’s fingers, Ben Carson. That’s the invisible hand forming an invisible fist before it rams up your tightly puckered wingnut ass.
Howard Beale IV
Dear Dr. Carson:
Those were not my fingers. You must be thinking of Bill Cosby’s penis rubbing against you in alternate dimension 3PX4A2.
Signed,
God
jake the antisoshul soshulist
When someone claims that the deity wants them to do something, the proper response is to first check your wallet, then make a reservation for them on the 6th floor.
Howard Beale IV
@jake the antisoshul soshulist: Don’t forget Risperdal decanonate injectable (can’t trust them not to take it orally.)
Roger Moore
@Pogonip:
I was going to say something similar. Even if you know for certain God has a plan for you, there’s no guarantee that you’re going to like what He has planned.
Pogonip
@SFAW: Mine was pretty much the last generation of Catholics to receive decent instruction–after Vatican II it was all downhill. And of course with Protestant fundamentalists it’s the blind leading the blind. These are the people who think Martin Luther was that civil-rights guy and that God wants you to be rich. They are the lost sheep of the house of America.
People who want to know about orthodox ( as opposed to Orthodox, which I know nothing about) Christian teaching should start with the current catechism of the Roman Catholic Church, which covers every theological issue that’s come up in the last two millennia. You may or may not agree with it, but by God when you’re done you’ll understand it. I would also recommend the Gospel of John, Luther’s 95 theses, and any standard history of Christianity. Most Americans these days are not literate enough to cope with any of this, and logic is pretty much a lost skill.
Pogonip
@SFAW: P. S. My generation was born right around the time of Vatican II, but the guys who catechized us were not, and they used the material they knew up, down, and sideways: the old Baltimore Catechism. (All together now, catechumens: “The purpose of human existence is to know God, to love him, to serve him, and to be happy with him in this world and the next”.). Again, you may agree or not with this, but you can’t deny it’s clearly stated. Vatican II replaced this type of statement with a lot of “relevant” ’60’s stuff that got the religious all confused and you ended up with things like nuns practicing Wicca. People who are that confused about their subject can’t very well teach it.
Howard Beale IV
“Life is a test. Had this been a real life, you would have been told where to go and what to do.”
— Inside album jacket cover from the KBC Band
Morzer
@Pogonip:
Given that the Church of Rome is technically a schismatic (and, at points arguably heretical) lost sheep of the Orthodox church, it might be better, from an Orthodox perspective, to start with the Nicene Creed, omitting the theologically misguided and grammatically confused filioque clause. Of course, these issues could be resolved fairly easily, if the Pope were to repent, submit himself and his fellow-schismatics to a full Council of Church (which alone may pronounce on or modify doctrine) and confess his errors and those of his predecessors.
Just to give readers a more complete picture of the situation.
El Caganer
I’m glad Dr. Carson had the courage to speak out. Maybe now all those other victims who’ve been fingered by God over the years will feel free to come forward.
Howard Beale IV
@Morzer:
From your lips to FSM’s noodly’s appendages.
shelley
FSM forbid you have a Republican candidate say he’s running, outlining his positions and why he thinks this will enable government to help the country. No, we have more virtual cult members, claiming an invisible deity is pushing him to run, and basically offering a scorched earth vision for America.
Citizen_X
@srv:
He’s not exactly a reliable narrator, either. I mean, did you read His book? Yikes!
Pogonip
@Morzer: Thanks! The curious could indeed start with the Creed, and who knows, they could end up solving the old, old question of who schismed from whom.
While pondering these weighty matters, I finally came up with an ironclad argument in favor of atheism: if God existed he would smite FYWP in his righteous wrath; therefore, since WordPress exists, clearly God does not. Q.E.D.
Hey, it beats anything Richard Dawkins ever came up with. I saw him on PBS a few times and ended up wondering why a man would decide his mission in life was to show the world once and for all that if you educate a fool he is still a fool. He’d never get away with that crap outside “educated” America. My old catechist Father P. would have wiped the floor with him. Dawkins is the doofus that caused Mark Shea to formulate his aphorism “Scratch an atheist, find a fundamentalist under the skin.”. Which I think is a little unfair to the old-time, rational atheists, like Robert Ingersoll and Mark Twain, but certainly true of the New Atheists.
Morzer
@Pogonip:
I think Dawkins is as bad, philosophically, as the moribund shamans of whichever faith he’s going after to get his name in the papers on any given day, as well as being a misogynistic old thug. He and Sam Harris are an embarrassment to anyone who wants to reason lucidly on this subject.
If I did worship any deity, it would probably be Ganesha, because a god depicted as an elephant riding a mouse clearly has some sort of a sense of humor.
Betty Cracker
@Pogonip: Reza Aslan argues persuasively that Dawkins, et al, aren’t even atheists; they’re anti-theists. I’m a regular, old-fashioned atheist, myself.
Morzer
@Betty Cracker:
I think there’s a case to be made that Dawkins is an auto-theist. He certainly seems to worship himself on a regular basis.
Pogonip
@Morzer: And you could say to the Homer Simpsons of the world, “Please do not offer my god a peanut!”
MattF
Speaking of Santorum auto-trolling (via lgf):
http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/44049_Rick_Santorum-_Obamas_Failing_Because_Hes_Not_Enough_Like_Jerry_Falwell_and_Jesse_Helms
Pogonip
@Betty Cracker: I agree. My father’s an old-fashioned atheist. Bothers nobody. Dawkins et al are old-fashioned jerks. I look for them all to end up writing for Salon (truly the fate worse than death).
pat
@Betty Cracker:
amen, sister
tee hee
Morzer
Nice bit of news for gamers:
Never Alone (Kisima Ingitchuna) is on Steam at 10% off.
http://store.steampowered.com/app/295790/
It looks really nice graphically and it’s a pretty cool concept.
Villago Delenda Est
@srv: Projection, as always with these vile creatures.
And as for this:
Robertson has been a total doofus since 1988, when his libel lawsuit against Pete McCloskey was withdrawn the day before it was due to go to trial, as McCloskey’s claim that Robertson’s father got Robertson out of combat duty in Korea had the virtue of being true. Robertson had been boasting he was a “combat veteran” as part of his presidential bid. He is in fact an honorless cur.
Robertson was slaughtered on Super Tuesday, and left the race for good.
Robertson is worthless, irredeemable Christianist grifter scum.
kuvasz
You can only disdain a person who walks away from a noble profession to become a rightwing grifter.
mellowjohn
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” –Lilly Tomlin
Cacti
I wonder what it’s like to be fingered by God.
Pogonip
You know, considering he’s hanging with the party which has at least one member who favors a wide stance, he may indeed be feeling a finger, but I’m sure he’s mistaken as to its source.
I swear, if this thing doesn’t stop trying to change my words, usually to the wrong one, I’m going to find Steve Jobs’s grave and haunt HIM. This is getting really annoying and, unlike with Windows, there seems to be no way to turn it off. I can stop the red squiggly lines but not the Autocorrect; I have to catch each incident by itself and if I miss one, up it goes in all its resplendent stupidity. (Mr. Jobs’ programmers, whatever their technical skills, seem semi-literate, e. g. they don’t understand the difference between it’s and its.)
El Cruzado
Please point to us, on the doll, where God touched you.
SRW1
I alway kind of wonder what these ‘Deus Lo vult’ people, and let’s not forget Michele B last time was also one of them, tell themselves when they come to the point of conceding that this ‘calling’ thing didn’t quite work out:
a) That God dude punked me!
b) I must have misheared?!
c) OK, OK, that wasn’t quite kosher with this “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain” thingy! But surely, S/he’ll understand that it was strictly bidness!
Thoughtcrime
Next, God will wake Ben up at three in the morning and tell him to go out and check his tire pressure:
go to 2:25
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sk-mu67k90o
Thom Rogers
That’s just his thumb up his ass.
RL Harrington
the link to story indicates we got the story backward
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/ben-carson-fingers-god-president
is he fingering God and the President?
Corey X It
I didn’t type this comment, thank God.