If you’re resorting to throwing about reptiles like live grenades in order to win your argument, I’m not sure your argument is worth winning.
A live snake was tossed over the counter at a Tim Hortons in Saskatoon this morning during an argument over onions.
Two 20-year-old men engaged in a heated debate this morning with a worker at the restaurant over sandwich toppings. They wanted diced onions, and the restaurant does not dice its onions.
As the argument escalated at the restaurant in the 600 block of 22nd Street West, one of the men reached into the pocket of his friend’s coat, pulled out a live snake and threw it behind the counter. Staff members fled the store in fear.
“Obviously, [the workers] were very frightened,” said police spokeswoman Alyson Edwards. “There was quite a lot of screaming going on.”
Now, the cops busted these two guys shortly thereafter (and yes the snake is okay, it was a non-poisonous garter snake) and I do have to wonder why you would keep a live snake in your coat in Saskatoon in December.
But I have to admit, any readers like myself who have ever done any tabletop RPGs (or some of the daffier computer point-and-click adventure games) will immediately go “Emergency Distraction Snake(tm)? That’s not only completely valid but a brilliant idea. I’m going to use this.”
Open Thread otherwise.
Just Some Fuckhead
White people are frightening.
BGinCHI
Who puts diced onions on a sandwich?
Canadians are not people.
mikej
Why would anyone go to a Tim Horton’s and think it was the sort of place that could convert sliced onions into diced onions?
trollhattan
@BGinCHI:
“From the nation that gave the world poutine comes a new culinary masterpiece, the Chopped Onion(tm).” Eh? Contra that vile bloomin’ onion thing from that other colony.
Also, too, twenty quatloos for “Snake ‘n Onions”
Major Major Major Major
Where do you keep the snake? Bags of holding only have 10 minutes of air…
I guess that’s what the Bag of Tricks is for.
scav
@BGinCHI: Still, their enshrined right to bear snakes leads to slightly less fatal fast-food tantrums.
SSssssssssssecond amendment Sssssssssssolutionsssss.
Bill
They are part of Burger King now. “Have it youuuur way….
dedc79
Hold on a sec…Saskatoon is a real place? I thought it was a name Americans made up to make fun of Canada.
Roger Moore
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes
on this motherfucking planein this motherfucking restaurant!BGinCHI
Just like a Saskatoonian to bring a Garter to a snake fight.
Zandar
@dedc79: It’s pretty much the Canadian equivalent of Boise.
raven
@dedc79: The Guess Who – “Running Back to Saskatoon”
I been hangin’ around gas stations
I been learnin’ ’bout tires
I been talkin’ to grease monkeys
I been workin’ on cars
catclub
@BGinCHI:
McDonalds does. I guess you have never had a Big Mac ( or do not consider it a sandwich).
Corner Stone
Actually, it’s the height of fashion to use a live snake as your belt, and further, to hang an onion from it. As was the style of the time.
srv
I think this whole post is a jackalope.
Corner Stone
Diced onions, sliced onions. Is it weird that I’m good either way?
I mean, it’s not like the debate over cilantro or some crazy important shit like that or anything.
Ferdzy
@dedc79:
Canada is richly endowed with wonderful place names. The native ones have immense charm, but there are others too. Dildo, Newfoundland is probably the most famous, but I consider it a little obvious. My personal favourite is St. Louis du Ha! Ha! Not one, but two!! exclamation points. Also, we drove through there during the tail end of a hurricane, and I thought we would drown, right there in the car on the road.
Felonius Monk
Let’s enumerate the possible charges: Assault with a harmless snake; Endangering the welfare of a reptile;Snake Terrorism; Being a shit-head.
catclub
But if the guy reached in his bare hand to get it, I am guessing it was harmless.
dedc79
@raven: Here’s where I have to embarrassingly admit that I only knew the band for “These Eyes”, “No Time”, and “American Woman”, the last of which probably should have made me realize they weren’t themselves American.
Major Major Major Major
@catclub: Garter snake, about as harmless as they come.
dedc79
@Ferdzy: I apologize for doubting your seriousness re St. Louis du Ha! Ha! Wikipedia assures me it is quite real.
raven
@dedc79: “Shortly after its release, The Guess Who were invited to play at the White House. Because of its supposed anti-American lyrics, Pat Nixon asked that they not play “American Woman””
pat
Not when you consider the danger of being trampled in the screaming rush to get away from it.
raven
@pat: I went under the house get a hammer and this dude was looking at me!
Bout a 6 footer.
Steeplejack
@dedc79:
Don’t forget their best one, the jazzy “Undun.”
kc
Best post title ever.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@raven: What a handsome under porch pal! Some of us (by which I mean me) want to remind you not to be shy with photo posts…
I kinda like snakes. The biggest threat most snakes that most of us encounter is salmonella. Which is not to say there aren’t dangerous snakes, just that most of us are unlikely to have contact with them.
srv
I don’t think you people get the multiple levels of irony here. Horton’s is like an upscale Dunkin Donuts with sandwiches, so diced onions is probably some inside joke. Like “Let’s go to DQ for some Affogato”
Horton’s there probably sells tenderized Baby Seal burgers, fresh off the back lot.
gene108
@Major Major Major Major:
Portable hole or demi-plane, depending on your budget…
catclub
@raven: Pretty! Speckled King? Black rat snake?
catclub
@Major Major Major Major: In Canada, Garter Snakes hibernate in very large bunches, or so I learned from natural history magazines and such.
Ferdzy
@dedc79:
I couldn’t make it up!
Corner Stone
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q):
#NotAllSnakes
Ferd of the Nort
Remember that Dildo is just north of Hearts Desire.
Same province as Come By Chance.
and as the song goes….
“If you haven’t been to Spuzzum, you ain’t been anywhere…”
Melissa
I’ve been waiting years for Saskatoon to be mentioned in Balloon Juice. Moved here for a short-term contract 15 years ago after a lifetime in NYC and Toronto & to my great surprise I loved it.
Also, garter snakes aren’t interesting enough to collect.
Warren Terra
Given the ambient temperatures in Saskatoon in December, this may be something of a kindness to the snake.
ETA this comment got filtered, and I’m completely at a loss for an explanation.
Omnes Omnibus
@dedc79: I have ancestors who lived very near there.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Corner Stone:
I’m about to smack someone for putting red onions on my burger. This fad has to end now.
evap
@Ferdzy: Moosejaw, Saskatchawan. I’ve actually been to Saskatoon, many times, due to there being a university there with faculty members I know.
pat
@raven:
I can’t tell from the picture. What kind of snake is it?
Raven
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): We let it be, the girl dislikes rats more than snakes.
Raven
@pat: Rat
srv
34 Years Ago Today
RIP
JGabriel
Zandar @ Top:
For love and compassion, of course. What other reason could there be?
RSA
Lunchtime after church services is the worst.
Major Major Major Major
@catclub: OK, so that would be about as dangerous as a beehive then, if nobody was allergic to bees. We had garter snakes all over growing up (Colorado)… just shoo ’em out of the yard and don’t go poking around underground in winter.
We also had rattlers and coral snakes (could never remember the rhyme, just stayed the %*&$ away from anything red, black, and yellow) and some sort of thing that lived in the swamps. So we had other snakes to worry about.
@gene108: I’m not using a 9th-level spell to have a surprise distraction snake. I’ll stick to a bag of tricks and hope for a weasel. Although if the demi-plane is just sitting around collecting dust, you could always just keep some snakes in it I suppose.
Mike E
@raven: While walking along a footpath through a common residential area I came across what I thought was a length of automotive hose…just before I could utter the words “what careless disposal by some shade tree mechanic!” the damn thing animated and booked off. I nearly shat my pants!
Tom
Folks! Have some respect! Joni Mitchell comes from Saskatoon.
Tree With Water
“I do have to wonder why you would keep a live snake in your coat in Saskatoon in December”.
Indeed.
A panhandler in Berkeley once hit me up for some “bread”. I had just left a restaurant and had pocketed a roll, which I handed the guy. He was pleased when I reached for the pocket, and then he wasn’t. At that instant the expression on his face perfectly captured the quintessence of a baffled person asking, WTF Is This? I know now I’m lucky the guy didn’t have a temper.
Gin & Tonic
As we are discussing the charms, or lack thereof, of Saskatchewan in the winter, this has to be part of the thread. Maybe Melissa can refute the gentleman’s logic.
Peking Man
@Ferd of the Nort: When I lived in Newfoundland, one of my co-workers liked to say that Joe Batt’s Arm was halfway up Fannie’s Crack. Both places are real , but it ain’t true.
Omnes Omnibus
@JGabriel:
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
@gene108: Portable holes also have a limited air supply. It’s unclear whether other items that connect to a demiplane, such as gloves of storing, have the same issue.
? Martin
Some guy gets arrested for employing the Emergency Distraction Snake in my city about once a week. Usually in a park near one of the middle schools.
Ferdzy
@evap:
I’ve been to Moosejaw! I never did make to Saskatoon, in spite of some friends trying to talk us into it, when we were considering buying an apartment there.
eemom
eedad, eedog and I encountered a real live rattlesnake on a WV mountaintop where we have a little cabin, last summer.
We were walking along a gravelly dirt road, the doggie was running ahead of us and this coiled up thing rattle-hissed at her just like in a movie. Lucky we got her away in time. Scared the bejesus out of me.
Hobbes
Garter snakes may be mostly harmless, but they frequently are poisonous.
[link goes to clip from QI]
Mike in NC
@dedc79:
Just up the highway from Brigadoon.
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
@Major Major Major Major: Well, create lesser demiplane is only a 7th level spell and you can use it for additional purposes. It also has a duration of 1 day/level, so at least 13 days. The issue is trying to retrieve the snake from it. I can’t think of any way to get it out and throw it in one round.
That’s the advantage gloves of storing have; it’s a free action to retrieve the snake and so you still have a standard action to throw. But, as I said, you’ll have to get a GM ruling as to whether you can store a living creature in it.
Alas, you can’t put a necklace of adaptation on a snake, since it lacks a neck slot.
Roger Moore
@Major Major Major Major:
Just don’t tell Samuel L. Jackson about it.
divF
@srv:
I went to a Tim Horton’s for the first time when I visited Toronto last April. Upscale ???
ETA: Don’t get me started on the coffee. Or the Timbits (Doughnut holes to anyone else).
FlipYrWhig
Dude, it’s proverbial. He was nourishing a viper in his bosom. At the next store he probably complained about the sourness of some grapes he couldn’t reach.
Major Major Major Major
@Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN): And you don’t want to use your viper familiar as an Emergency Distraction Snake either. Hrmm.
Quickened Summon Nature’s Ally I, pick up the snake, throw it. One round. Or summon it into your hand, throw it, then you have uh, a move action left, I guess. What would that be, an improvised weapon…?
? Martin
@Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN):
I’d allow it. Under 20 lbs and held in stasis so it won’t suffocate. But not a badger. Well, maybe a juvenile badger, but a fully grown one would be pushing that 20 lbs.
Yatsuno
@Ferdzy: I’ve always had a fondness for Medicine Hat. Though Moose Jaw has a certain charm as well.
Major Major Major Major
@? Martin: We should start a Balloon Juice campaign! Or not. But you all seem like you’d be fun to play with.
Although if it’s in stasis, it’d just sort of sit there unless you also dispelled the effect.
Roger Moore
@Major Major Major Major:
I would think that “emergency distraction snake” is exactly what minor illusions are for. Illusions would also have the advantage that they could be tailored for your enemy’s phobias, if known.
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
@? Martin: Would a badger have a neck slot so it could wear the necklace of adaptation? I’ll need to pull out my Animal Archive to check. Just a sec . . .
Yes. Quadrapeds have a neck slot; badgers are even specifically listed. So you can just put that in the handy haversack for easy retrieval.
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
@Roger Moore: If you’re going to do that, just prepare phantasmal killer. That avoids the whole problem of needing to know the right phobia.
Major Major Major Major
@Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN): Too many saves, only lasts a round. Couldn’t terrify a whole Horton’s kitchen with that.
Thoughtful David
Why, to keep it warm, of course. It gets cold in Saskatoon. /understatement
Just One More Canuck
@Yatsuno: I’ve been to Moose Jaw too – “charm” is not a word I’d use to describe it. Shithole, maybe
Mnemosyne (iPhone)
@catclub:
I don’t think anyone has called a hamburger a hamburger sandwich since the 1930s. There’s an old cartoon called “The Golden Touch” where King Midas specifically asks for a hamburger sandwich, but that’s the only time I’ve seen it used.
Short version: hamburgers aren’t sandwiches.
burnspbesq
@raven:
Water moccasin? You do NOT want to fuck with that guy.
Yet another reason I will never live near water in the former Confederacy.
satby
This entire thread is so full of win. Kudos.
Tree With Water
@eemom: Clint Eastwood once faced off against a giant rattlesnake, and all he said was “keep singing, partner” as he drew his knife and decapitated the serpent in one quick slicing motion. That’s what I like to think I’d do in a similar situation.
Steeplejack
@Warren Terra:
Ambient. Taboo drug name.
Svensker
Yes, fabulous thread. Also, Saskatoon.
Morley Bolero
@mikej: Why would anyone go to a Tim Hortons?
Morley Bolero
@raven: Yes!
NickM
I can’t believe this didn’t happen in Florida.
Also, notice that the police manage to arrest the snake safely.
Melissa
I hadn’t heard that CBC clip. It’s overblown, but the wind does make this difference between cold and crazy cold. I think it helped me that I have always have dogs, so I have very good gear and walk them every day;
YellowJournalism
@Yatsuno: Hubby lived in Medicine Hat for about a year. He loved it there, and he would move there if we could. He also has relatives from Moosejaw. When the MC at our wedding reception thanked family members for traveling from all over, he specifically mentioned Moosejaw. My mother leaned over and asked me if it was a real place or some inside joke between Hubby’s cousins.
Wally Ballou
I used to drive a semi OTR, and passed through Saskatoon exactly once, during a brief but extremely violent and spooky-to-drive-in thunderstorm. The memory of the experience has jumped ahead of the Guess Who song as the first thing I think of when I hear/read the town name.
And I thought Manitoba had cornered the market on garter snakes in Canada.
Wally Ballou
@Mnemosyne (iPhone): “Hamburger sandwich” makes me think of this MST3K bit.
NotMax
No such animal. Non-lethal, yes, but all snakes on the planet produce venom. There is no such thing as a non-poisonous snake unless its venom glands have been removed.
@BGinCHI
White Castle has since forever. Also common on hot dogs or sausage sandwiches.
Paul in KY
Up there, a live snake is sorta like pocket warmers.
It’s Canada…
Paul in KY
@catclub: I’d like to see him try that with one of our cops down here.
Cluttered Mind
How has no one drawn the obvious conclusion yet? Clearly the man is in possession of a special snake-themed (possibly Yuan-ti crafted) Bag of Tricks.
Medicine Man
This is what happens when you have gun control.
Theodore Wirth
Thanks for the update. I was truly worried about health and welfare of the snake.