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Republicans got rid of McCarthy. Democrats chose not to save him.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

Decision time: keep arguing about the last election, or try to win the next one?

All hail the time of the bunny!

The Giant Orange Man Baby is having a bad day.

He really is that stupid.

The revolution will be supervised.

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An almost top 10,000 blog!

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

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Rupert, come get your orange boy, you petrified old dinosaur turd.

Humiliatingly small and eclipsed by the derision of millions.

Cancel the cowardly Times and Post and set up an equivalent monthly donation to ProPublica.

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

The gop is a fucking disgrace.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

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You are here: Home / Open Threads / New Year’s Resolutions for Others

New Year’s Resolutions for Others

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On this date, many people worldwide mark the completion of one trip around the sun and the beginning of a new one. For some, thoughts turn to new beginnings and opportunities for self-improvement in the form of New Year’s resolutions.

I’m not among that group; I know from bitter experience that my tragic willpower deficiency will shatter my resolutions long before MLK Day. But I don’t object to crafting resolutions for others, so here goes:

1. John Cole should resolve to adopt another Maine Coon kitty cat. Moreover, he should name the cat “Mrs. Norris” (whether male or female) and entice it to perch on his shoulder in the manner of the pet cat belonging to Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch in the Harry Potter books and films. This would not only cement Mr. Cole’s reputation as the town eccentric, it would undoubtedly give rise to amusing stories about how Mrs. Norris helped Mr. Cole avert household disasters and repel unwanted visitors.

2. Hillary Clinton should resolve to publicly disown Mark Penn, Lanny Davis and Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild. If HRC is to be our nominee in 2016 (still an open question), I believe that despite early grumbling, she’ll have Obama 2008 voters like myself firmly on board. That said, the media will overplay Obama voter discontent, much as they relentlessly hyped the PUMA phenomenon in 2008 (which ultimately proved as consequential as a fart in a whirlwind). Still, HRC could throw us Obots a bone by repudiating the three above, who, while they certainly aren’t the only assholes in “Hillaryland,” would constitute a good faith gesture were they publicly kicked to the curb.

3. President Obama should resolve to relentlessly troll the GOP for the rest of his term. Pundits have already noted that PBO’s post-midterm executive actions have riled opponents, but that’s not really trolling — that’s just doing his job. What I mean is identifying hot-button issues that only the GOP base reacts to in a foolish manner and lighting the troll lantern just for them. When he was still a US Senator, PBO said he wanted to be as transformational a president as Ronald Reagan was. Well, Reagan was arguably the most accomplished troll in presidential history, making sensible ideas like accommodations for disabled people and due process sound like something only smelly hippies and humorless prigs could support. Troll those motherfuckers right back, Mr. President.

I can think of many more resolutions other people should make, but I’m afraid my employers would resolve to find more reliable staff if I devote much more time to it. So I’ll rely on you, dear readers, to fill in the gaps. What New Year’s resolutions do YOU think other people should make for 2015?

Reader Interactions

65Comments

  1. 1.

    NCSteve

    Well, you’ve certainly picked the three worst, most egregious, psychopaths in the “Old Clinton Hand” club, but none of them would ever be appointed to the executive branch if she won. And certainly there are people in the circle, like Sean Wilenz, whose derangement seems to have been a temporary phenomenon that exposed them as people very ill-suited to the stress and harassment of government service.

    But I’m a lot more worried about the asshats like Richard Armitage and Harold Ickes who are certainly expecting to ride her coat tails into high government or party office where they can promptly begin building an impenetrable fence around here to lock in the insularity and paranoia and bunker mentality.

  2. 2.

    mellowjohn

    agree with all three, but especially with #1. maine coons rule! (as i sit here on the couch with my maine coon perched on my shoulder and purring in my ear.)

  3. 3.

    Genine

    Pundits have already noted that PBO’s post-midterm executive actions have riled opponents, but that’s not really trolling — that’s just doing his job.

    According to that group, President Obama doing his job IS trolling.

  4. 4.

    West of the Cascades

    AVERT household disasters? A cat perched on Cole’s shoulder is a recipe for a 2015 filled with tragicomic stories about broken bones and dislocated shoulders.

  6. 6.

    MomSense

    How about news organizations should stop requiring every host to try and converse on matters of airplane safety and disasters. Just give the former pilot or retired FAA or NTSB dude the camera for 5 minutes. One of these actual experts is going to blow a gasket on air if they have to keep answering such stupid questions.

  7. 7.

    kindness

    This making resolutions for others thingy. I’ve seen it a bit this year and I can’t say I’m familiar with the concept previously. I had always considered resolutions to be self improvement.

    Isn’t telling someone else what they should do/be just a tad presumptuous?

    Resolutions? Don’t do ’em myself. Well, back in the day my New Years Eves would be spent at a Dead show (being N Cal has it’s advantages) and usually the mental state at those moments was somewhat enhanced shall we say. Not the best state of mind to make big decisions if you know what I mean.

    Make the most of it all. Make it all as good as you can. Don’t let the shitheads get you down.

    Off to N. Tahoe to see Jackie Green tonight. Maybe ski some. We’ll see.

  8. 8.

    The Ancient Randonneur

    Best possible Obama trolling of GOP: “As an addendum to my immigration policy we will offer the same deal to all the people of the world we offer the Cuban people.”

  10. 10.

    TaMara (BHF)

    Is perching on the shoulder a Maine Coon thing? My accidental Maine Coon does that all the time. As a matter of fact, he sleeps on my shoulder at night the same way John describes Steve’s sleep pattern.

    He is definitely different than any of my other cats, now or past. He kinda rocks (don’t tell the other furballs, they’re still miffed at the puppy’s arrival).

  14. 14.

    Snarki, child of Loki

    What “The Ancient Randonneur” said about Immigration, PLUS
    using drones to “keep an eye on” gun show participants.

    Y’know, in case “terrorists” are using gun shows for arms depots.

  15. 15.

    satby

    @ruemara: You and me both.

    And for other people, I will resolve on their behalf that they correctly understand WTF they’re opining about before they open their pie holes.

  17. 17.

    burnspbesq

    New Year’s resolutions for others: what a fun game, and any number can play.

    Pope Francis: keep on keeping on. A papal encyclical to the effect that we are called by God to be responsible stewards of His Creation would be all kinds of awesome. Also, shit-can Cardinal Dolan.

    Dianne Feinstein: the release of the exec summary was a good start. In 2015, resolve to be a Democrat.

    Erik Loomis, John Cochrane, the entire Cato Foundation: STFU.

  19. 19.

    Roger Moore

    @satby:

    And for other people, I will resolve on their behalf that they correctly understand WTF they’re opining about before they open their pie holes.

    But without poorly informed bloviators, who will the well informed people have to correct and/or mock?

  20. 20.

    mai naem mobile

    Cole needs a parrot. A potty-mouthed pretty purple parrot perched Potter style on his shoulder. Also too a pot bellied pig.

  22. 22.

    Xboxershorts

    My Christmas gift from the state of PA was a 7 1/2 acre well pad across the street from my house.

    Those fuckers.

    For the new year, I resolve to buy a place in town, on town water and sewer and then to publicly shame every single motherfucker out there that thinks this new drilling is the cat’s meow…to you fools, I say fuck you, YOU try living next to this shit.

  23. 23.

    CONGRATULATIONS!

    How about news organizations should stop requiring every host to try and converse on matters of airplane safety and disasters. Just give the former pilot or retired FAA or NTSB dude the camera for 5 minutes. One of these actual experts is going to blow a gasket on air if they have to keep answering such stupid questions.

    @MomSense: My father’s a retired major carrier airline pilot, closing in on 50 years of having his license. He has literally seen and dealt with it all.

    The only time I’ve ever seen him totally lose his shit is when some idiot on the news starts flapping their piehole about an aviation incident. He then explains how they are wrong. I tell you, after the first time he did this, my faith that the “news” provided useful information about anything vanished, because he knew what he was talking about and they did not. At all.

    Sullenberger (“miracle on the Hudson” guy) was one of his students. My dad is in awe of him, not for his piloting skills or cool under fire (pilots simply expect that from each other as a matter of routine) but that he can go on a news program, answer staggeringly stupid and insane questions for three minutes, and not kill everyone on the set.

  24. 24.

    The Gray Adder

    Harry Reid should not filibuster anything until 1/17. Everything, no matter how idiotic, should be allowed to reach the President’s desk (with zero Democratic votes, of course), where his veto pen will get a workout.

    Stay with me here.

    The less resistance Republican bullshit gets, the more gets generated. Get them on record on all of it, then pound them into the dirt in ’16. Sounds like a plan?

  25. 25.

    Betty Cracker

    @burnspbesq: Done. And I agree on Pope Francis. I am not and have never been a Catholic, but I married into a Catholic family, and to a woman / man, they’re all thrilled with the new Pope, even the somewhat conservative family members. Rock on, Hippie Pope!

  26. 26.

    Roger Moore

    @satby:

    to clarify: I’m aiming my resolution more at the Teabaggy Facebook bloviators, not B-J ones.

    The point still stands. Balloon-Juice is all about snark and mockery; we can’t exist without a target-rich environment.

  28. 28.

    Violet

    @mai naem mobile: Some people in our neighborhood have a parrot. They take him for walks perched on one of their shoulders and he mouths off at people minding their own business in their own yards. It’s awesome. I crack up every time.

  31. 31.

    cahuenga

    Please, not another Goldman insider. HRC should do the world a favor, step aside and back an outsider.

  32. 32.

    LAC

    @mai naem mobile: or a parrot that every time Cole is a little down swats him with his feather and goes “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

    As for Hillary or any democratic candidate – resolve not to run away like a screeching banshee from obama’s record. Do not take the coalition for granted or think you have to just corner the market of crazy old white folks to win.

  35. 35.

    MomSense

    @burnspbesq:

    Also, shit-can Cardinal Dolan.

    Also if there is some Vatican equivalent to being banished to Siberia–this is what I would resolve Pope Francis should do to Cardinal Bernard Law.

  36. 36.

    Amir Khalid

    Well, the fireworks show over the Petronas Towers just ended. That is, I can’t hear it anymore. Over here it’s already 2015.

    Selamat Tahun Baru kepada semua di Balloon Juice.

  39. 39.

    srv

    Celebrate all you want, the economy is crashing tomorrow:

    The minimum wage will rise in 21 states in 2015, putting it above the federal pay floor in more than half the USA and highlighting the impact of a national movement to boost the earnings of low-paid workers.

    The increases will lift the hourly wages of 2.4 million workers by up to $1 to an average of $8 and a high of $9.15, according to the Economic Policy Institute. The federal hourly minimum is $7.25.

  41. 41.

    srv

    Someone is up for promotion:

    The reporter and the photographer responsible for misquoting Tyrone West’s sister, Tawanda Jones, at a protest rally in Washington, D.C., reporting she and others chanted “kill a cop,” have been let go by Fox 45, according to two sources confirming a report that first appeared on the site FTVLive.com.

    YouTube footage later showed Jones and others were chanting “We won’t stop/ We can’t stop/ Till killer cops/ Are in cell blocks.” The station invited Jones on the air to offer an apology—albeit a botched one.

    But it seems there has been further fallout, as reporter Melinda Roeder and cameraman Greg McNair have been released, and news director Mike Tomko and a producer who expressed his discomfort with the story have been suspended one and two days, respectively.

    An insider told FTVLive Tomko was the one who pushed doing the story. “It was found by him, assigned by him and ultimately proofed by him,” the source said.

    Now a person familiar with the situation tells City Paper the news director is losing control of the newsroom, with photographers threatening to stage a “sick out.”

    “The reporters and photogs believe Tomko sacrificed two little people to save himself,” the source says.

    Both Roeder and McNair are “lawyering up,” the source also says.

  42. 42.

    Karla

    @burnspbesq: Agreed on most, but I would put Eric Loomis in the “keep on keepin’ on” category. He writes more than I have time to read, and I don’t agree with everything he posts, but I’ve learned a lot from his histories and gotten food for thought from his other stuff.

  44. 44.

    piratedan

    I would humbly suggest that Louie Gohmert get in touch with Rand Paul’s taxidermist in order to get fitted for a new rug.

    I would implore Koch Brothers to kindly explore the purchase of the nation of Greece for their own nefarious needs to let the rest of us alone.

    I would suggest to those that proclaim that they are moved by the power and example of Christ (or the prophet of their choosing) to follow the professed tenets of said leaders and practice tolerance and charity to all instead of their rank constituency.

  45. 45.

    mellowjohn

    “The reporters and photogs believe Tomko sacrificed two little people to save himself,” the source says.

    believe?

  48. 48.

    mai naem mobile

    @Violet: its a pity Krugman can’t go on This Week with a parrot like that who would talk to Bill Kristol like that. This could be an awesome John Oliver skit on his show.
    My resolution for Bill Clinton is to troll Dick Cheney only in the way Bill Clinton can. Its twofer. You not only get to watch Dick Cheney devolve into the demented evil little man that he is but you also get to hang Jeb Bush onto Cheney’s caboose.

  51. 51.

    JustRuss

    I love the New Years resolutions for other people idea. I’m going to add it to our Festivus celebration, right after the Airing of Grievances.

  52. 52.

    slag

    I’d like to see Obama go all in for the rights of minorities and women in every single way imaginable. Get creative. Make the absolute most out of every tool at his disposal to even the playing field, secure reproductive and bodily autonomy rights, and shove this country (kicking and screaming, if necessary) into the 21st century.

  54. 54.

    Kay

    I think regulators (both state and federal) should resolve to read any available statement that describes their job duties and purpose, and get back to basics.

    They’re not paid to simply “advise” the public on their rights at work nor are they paid to team up with the entities they regulate and sit on the same side of the table.

    A lot more adversarial and a lot less “partnering with the private sector”, please. No 12 dollar an hour employee is going to stand on their rights at work, no matter how much earnest “advice” and “transparency” they get from government agencies. They’re never going to assert their rights. That’s why we pay regulators.

    I always find it helpful to check back occasionally and define what it is I’m supposed to be doing at work, I think we all get lost in the day to day, and I think they would find it helpful too :)

  56. 56.

    Jim C

    entice it to perch on his shoulder in the manner of the pet cat belonging to Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch in the Harry Potter books and films.

    It’s a minor point, and I don’t mention it to be argumentative, but I have read the books and seen the films, and … I don’t remember Mrs. Norris ever perching on his shoulder. The winding about the legs, persistently, but perching? That I’m sure I would remember that.

    I do love the concept, though.

  57. 57.

    burnspbesq

    One more:

    Jonathan Adler: renounce your crackpot theories, repent, and spend the rest of your life providing hospice care to people who are dying of conditions that could have been remedied if only they had insurance.

  59. 59.

    Amir Khalid

    @Jim C:
    Come to think of it, I don’t remember Mrs Norris perching on Filch’s either. She did patrol the school grounds on her own, which was how she came to be petrified in Chamber of Secrets.

  60. 60.

    Shalimar

    Is there any reason to put Lady Lynn in that company? Maybe I am remembering wrong, but wasn’t she a major Clinton bundler who became the image of what horribly sore losers look like? I don’t see that becoming a problem as long as Hillary is way ahead. Was there more? That isn’t close to the same level as Penn and Davis, who make their living from enabling the worst kinds of evil.

  62. 62.

    Betty Cracker

    @Jim C & @Amir Khalid: Filch carried her more than she perched, but I think Mrs. Norris perched at least some of the time. (I also can’t believe I actually typed that sentence.)

    @Shalimar: LLFdR was all over TV trying to get McCain / Palin elected after Obama clinched the nomination. It may not rise to the level of evil attained by Penn and Davis, but LLFdR is a ridiculous buffoon who tried to sabotage Democrats, and she richly deserves public shunning by her idol.

  63. 63.

    Gravie

    Yes, more parrots for everyone! Mr. Gravie and I encountered one at a party that sat on his owner’s shoulder and sang “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” along with her in a quavering little granny voice. It was a transcendently goofy and splendid moment.

  64. 64.

    JustRuss

    @Jim C: I have a cat who loves to shoulder perch. My brother taught her to do it, and it can be damn annoying sometimes. And she’s just an 8-pound tabby, a 25-pound Maine Coon would need some big shoulders.

  65. 65.

    PaulW

    My new year’s resolutions for others would cover every cable news channel with a voluntary and well-enforced code of ethics that would 1) reduce errors, 2) promote the facts, 3) invite actual experts on topics to shows rather than the usual suspects of idiot blowhards, 4) inform viewers to where their IQs will go up 20-40 points.

    I’d also like more professional literary reviewers checking out self-published ebooks so I can get my stuff marketed more easily. Sigh.

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