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You are here: Home / Before You Ask

Before You Ask

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ohdeer

No, it wasn’t me, damnit:

A West Virginia man was charged with holding two deer captive inside his Cabell County home Monday, according to a Facebook post by West Virginia Natural Resources Police.

Police received a tip about the unusual animal occupants and responded to the home, where they discovered two bucks inside the residence. An investigation revealed the deer had been living inside the home for at least a year.

Time to start WESTVIRGINIAMAN on twitter?

Reader Interactions

296Comments

  2. 2.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    We know it wasn’t you because we didn’t help name the goddamned things and then ooh and ahh over the pictures of you bathing and grooming and fluffing them for last fucking year.

  4. 4.

    BGinCHI

    When WESTVIRGINIAMAN says he has the two bucks he owes you, go ahead and tell him you’ll take a check.

  9. 9.

    Davebo

    Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

    One looks at the other and says “I can’t believe I blew twenty bucks in that joint”.

  11. 11.

    SiubhanDuinne

    No, it wasn’t me, damnit:

    Yeah, right. That’s Lily in those fake Christmas dog-antlers.

  14. 14.

    Corner Stone

    Don’t you try and tell us that is *not* a pic of you, Cole. The socks with sandals, the sausage fingers splayed out into a plaintive, “Whuttareugonnado, amirite?” gesture.
    Although, now that I look at that pathetic deer, it’s at least 100 pounds underfed if it had been one of your pets.

  17. 17.

    Corner Stone

    Those propane tanks right up against the slat board siding is really awesome.

  20. 20.

    Fair Economist

    If those are the pics, they look more like pets than captives. I’m also thinking they can’t be housebroken, so ick.

  21. 21.

    ? Martin

    I don’t think anyone is buying it, Cole. West Virginia isn’t that big. There can’t possibly be two of you there.

  24. 24.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @schrodinger’s cat:

    I.Did.Not.Know.

    I was equating Fuckhead = Skullfuck
    And
    Kitteh = Kitten

    From the BJ Lexicon:

    Skull fuck a kitten– One of the surest Google searches in which to find Balloon Juice as a #1 hit. First coined here.

  27. 27.

    dedc79

    Interesting given that he could’ve killed them, cut them into pieces, hung those pieces up in his home to dry and stuck their heads on the wall, all without committing a crime. What strange rules we live by.

  29. 29.

    Corner Stone

    @BGinCHI:

    Plus endless pics of fat feet on an overstuffed recliner.

    You forgot the dirty bathrobe tails after multiple walkings outside to get them to do their business for the night.

  31. 31.

    Tommy

    Okay I have a question. Look I am not suggesting anybody should. I bet these folks are a little “off.” But what is illegal about having a deer in your house? And not to put down WV, it is a stunnly beautiful state (go if you have never been), but this is WV for Christ sakes.

  32. 32.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Fair Economist:

    If those are the pics, they look more like pets than captives.

    That whole picture just shrieks “Jody and Flag,” n’est-çe pas?

  34. 34.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @Corner Stone:

    You forgot the dirty bathrobe tails after multiple walkings outside to get them to do their business for the night.

    Or desperate 3AM posts after they jump the fence and he spends three hours driving up and down the road calling for Bambi and Rudolph.

  35. 35.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Tommy:

    When I drive north, I always look forward to driving through — and sometimes, even staying overnight in — West Virginia. I agree, it is just a drop-dead, gob-smacking, jaw-dropping beautiful state.

  37. 37.

    Culture of Truth

    Prancer: “I am NOT spending another minute trapped with that motherfucker Dixon.”

  40. 40.

    Corner Stone

    @Tommy:

    But what is illegal about having a deer in your house?

    I’ve never had a deer in my house but I think that if you have maybe you need to revisit your life choices. I mean, a deer in your house. Maybe you should rethink your life decisions. Just saying.

  43. 43.

    RSA

    @Tommy:

    But what is illegal about having a deer in your house?

    I wondered the same. Googling around, I’m guessing that deer fall into the category of exotic pets, where “exotic” seems to mean a non-domesticated animal. That’s pretty vague, I think, but there are apparently lots of laws at different levels about keeping them. So if a state or town writes laws about keeping alligators and monkeys and such, they might just call them exotic pets and automatically fold in deer.

  45. 45.

    Tommy

    @SiubhanDuinne: It is a wonderful place if you are a hiker/camper like myself. I think most people that have never been to the state think backwards and poverty. I guess you might have both of those things, but it awe inspiring pretty.

    @Amir Khalid: I don’t know. My city has pretty anal laws about animals in the household. But I think it is the number and not the type. If you want a pig or turtle you can have one. Deer, well we kind of kill them were I live. We got bow and gun seasons on deer.

  47. 47.

    phoebes-in-santa fe

    The deer are nice, Cole, but where’s THE CAT? I haven’t seen him in an age.

  48. 48.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    We had a raccoon get in the house once but we never thought about inviting him and a buddy to stay. I guess those West Virginia winters get awfully cold and lonely.

  54. 54.

    Tommy

    @Corner Stone: Oh as I said I am sure they got issues. I don’t take this hedge out of my front yard, bunnies live there. I don’t open the window in one of my bathrooms, well doves nest there each year.

    Sure they are not in my house. Big difference from a deer in my house but kind of the same isn’t it. If the doves or rabbits came into to my house it would freak out my cat, but I don’t see myself stopping them if it didn’t change my life and they were happy.

  58. 58.

    Central Planning

    @Tommy:

    My city has pretty anal laws about animals in the household.

    What’s an anal law? What’s a pretty “anal law”? Inquiring minds…

  61. 61.

    Central Planning

    I got an Amazon Echo. It’s not as helpful as I like/need. Questions like:

    – What are the reviews for Mad Max?
    – What is wordpress?
    – What’s the best way to drink tequila?

    stump the thing. Oh well. At least it’s a decent voice-controlled music player. And the Avion tequila is pretty good neat.

  62. 62.

    Tommy

    @Central Planning: @Corner Stone: They are very specific. I only know my city. I don’t know each state or city. Sorry I said that, just what I know.

    In my town you can’t have more than three pets.

    I know this because the house behind me, caddy corner, the owners got arrested for abuse of animals. They had a few dozen. I guess in terrible conditions. The arrest warrant was for the number.

  63. 63.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Major Major Major Major:

    I’ve known about dik-diks* for years, but never before heard of muntjacs. Thanks for expanding my knowledge base, even though I’ll probably never use it.

    * (Yes, of course I giggle like a 12-year-old boy every time I see, say, or think of a “dik-dik.” And?)

  65. 65.

    ThresherK (GPad)

    @Central Planning: We’re all thinking it, so I’ll just say it out loud: This anal bleaching trend has gone too far if someone’s codifying it into laws to keep anuses pretty.

  68. 68.

    p.a.

    @efgoldman:

    Although I’m curious how two bucks could co-exist in rutting season without tearing the house apart.

    Would you be able to tell a difference?

  69. 69.

    FlipYrWhig

    @SiubhanDuinne: “Muntjac” has to be a surrogate swear word in some fuddy-duddy’s private language. “I went to the store and the cashier was being such a… muntjac to me!”

  72. 72.

    Steeplejack

    @John Cole:

    Time to start WESTVIRGINIAMAN on twitter?

    “WeVA Man” has a nice ring. (Pronounced “wee-vuh.”)

  73. 73.

    Tommy

    @redshirt: Amen.

    What I get from that pic is the deer isn’t trying to run away. We have domesticated a number of animals. Not sure deers I care about. But pretty sure if they wanted to run they could.

  74. 74.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    There’s a buck who’s been camping right next to our driveway the last few nights. I call him Buckminster, but I haven’t invited him in.

    Deer trivia: outside the rut, bucks hang in bachelor groups. I call them stag parties when I see them. It’s kind of comical to see 5 bucks tucked under a tree napping. Inside, with no does to up the testosterone levels, I’d expect two bucks to pretty much continue the bachelor lifestyle. Where do they rub the spring velvet though?

  75. 75.

    Corner Stone

    @Tommy:

    I know this because the house behind me, caddy corner,

    “caddy corner”? Seriously?
    What an asshole.

  77. 77.

    cbear

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I just be lurking, JSF.

    BTW, that deer looks awfully nervous to me….I wonder what will happen when the cops ask him to show them on the Rudolph doll where the bad man touched him.

  79. 79.

    Face

    Can one housebreak a deer? If not, do they just crap anywhere? Im guessin his house has a stench that makes a monkey exhibit seem floral….

  80. 80.

    Suzanne

    If Cole had actually had wild animals living in his house for a year, he would be much more severely injured by now. Think gored on an antler after slipping while mopping up some chai tea. Or in traction.

  81. 81.

    Roger Moore

    @cbear:

    I wonder what will happen when the cops ask him to show them on the Rudolph doll where the bad man touched him.

    He’ll complain that it’s a reindeer rather than a white tailed deer, so the doll is anatomically incorrect.

  82. 82.

    Suzanne

    @Corner Stone: I love you so much. LMMFAOOOOOOO.

    My dad is a deer. Just the nicest guy ever. Never did nothing to nobody. Now you’re saying I can’t have a deer in my house like are you racist against deer? Just saying.

  83. 83.

    Corner Stone

    @kc: You obviously missed the endless BJ wars on catty corner v caddy corner.
    But if you need someone to hate on, feel free to hate on me.
    /Katt Williams

  88. 88.

    Punchy

    I heard this guy’s favorite movie is “Uncle Buck”. He writes “Deer John” letters to his lover and drives a wickedly loud John Deer tractor cuz he’s got no doe to buy a car. I’m surprised he wont beg for a few bucks to get a used vehicle.

  91. 91.

    mai naem mobile

    I think the deer look adorable. And, I don’t think its John, but his Bed and Breakfast buddies.

  96. 96.

    Suzanne

    @satby: Mr. Suzanne has a background in linguistics, and he was telling me about all the regional variations in that term. Hilariously, he had never heard the term before hearing about it in a college lecture. I asked, “So how do you refer to that spatial relationship?!?” He said, “DIAGONALLY ACROSS THE STREET.”

  99. 99.

    Corner Stone

    @mai naem mobile:

    And, I don’t think its John, but his Bed and Breakfast buddies.

    I think you may be right. He’s been trying to sell some kind of WVA B&B destination for a while now.
    Holy Christ! They are going the WVA Jared Fogle route for specialty tourist sex destinations.

  104. 104.

    Loneoak

    Add a couple welfare queens to those strapping young bucks and we’d have a proper George Will column.

  106. 106.

    John Revolta

    Oh, see the little deer!
    Has the deer a little doe?
    Yeah, two bucks! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk……………………..

  112. 112.

    Tree With Water

    I’d like to see that guy locked in a shed for whatever the equivalent of one year in a deer’s life versus a human’s (tthe old one year of a dog’s life equals seven human years formula). That, or watch someone kick his sorry ass inside out.

  120. 120.

    Little Boots

    what is everyone angry at this guy for? he opened his house. Like Adam, maybe he even named them.

  123. 123.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    It always seems slightly geeky to me, but thanks for thinking it’s cool. I adore solving British-style cryptic crosswords, which feature lots of anagrams and other wordplay.

  124. 124.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @SiubhanDuinne: I’ve confessed to enjoying a conversation about the differences between a political party and a political movement, so who am I to judge?

  125. 125.

    Little Boots

    starting to worry about scott walker. he’s a complete dick, but still under the radar.

  130. 130.

    John Revolta

    Now, what that picture really needs is for the deer’s face to be blotted out……………….

  132. 132.

    Amir Khalid

    The sharks seem to be circling Malaysia’s Prime Minister Najib Tun Razak. The Wall St Journal accuses him of having in his personal bank accounts some 2.6 billion ringgit (US$700 million) transferred from development fund 1Malaysia Development Bhd. There’s been a growing clamour here for his resignation, which would be a first for a sitting PM.

  144. 144.

    Amir Khalid

    @Amir Khalid:
    As reported by The Malaysian Insider, the WSJ has released online redacted documents it says are related to the transfer of funds into Najib’s personal accounts.

  145. 145.

    Little Boots

    okay, not to be racist, but when was the last non-corrupt malaysian government?

  147. 147.

    trollhattan

    Sweet rompin’ Ronny Reagan on a Roomba this is a funny galldarned post and comment string. I just want to point out that Cole got no time for no deer what with his other obligations.

  154. 154.

    Tree With Water

    @Amir Khalid: “There are always people in the park on Sunday’s”.

    Ferdinand Marcos said that on his last Sunday in office, in response to question about the hundreds of thousands of Filipinos that had gathered in Manila’s central park to demand the ouster of the old bandit.

  155. 155.

    Amir Khalid

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    If that were the end-game, Najib would never have left the money in Malaysia. It may have been a slush fund for political ops and greasing cronies.

  156. 156.

    Little Boots

    @Suzanne:

    omnes did,

    but what are you reading?

    I love scientology stuff. i seriously love that stuff. it’s so weird and fascinating.

  159. 159.

    Amir Khalid

    I have a comment at #146 awaiting moderation. Please release me, let me go …

  162. 162.

    Little Boots

    @Suzanne:

    saw the documentary, but also, just fall into a scientology hole sometimes online. it’s kind of amazing, and weird, and just, I don’t know, depressing but compelling.

  173. 173.

    Steeplejack

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    For once I agree. That is one of the songs/videos that makes me go on an “Apologize for Paul McCartney” tour.

    ETA: Anything with Linda in it is usually a tell. Bless her heart.

  185. 185.

    Steeplejack

    @Little Boots:

    That’s a tough one, because my favorite McCartney is all too often bound up with my favorite Beatles. He and Lennon were both geniuses, but the sum of the two was even greater than the parts, which was amazing.

    I think “Yesterday” is a quintessential McCartney song that avoids his signature excesses.

  197. 197.

    Major Major Major Major

    I should’ve mentioned a while back, but I more or less quit drinking recently. One beverage with social necessity but that’s it (work stuff, not parties or whatever).

    It’s interesting.

  200. 200.

    BillinGlendaleCA

    @Major Major Major Major: It is indeed. I had pickled my liver, so I had to quit 5 years ago.

    ETA: I’ve had very few cravings and kind of find the smell of booze slightly repulsive.

  206. 206.

    Major Major Major Major

    @BillinGlendaleCA: Good for you. After my first (only?!) seizure they told me I needed to cut back and then I realized that meant “cut back to a normal person” which is like three to ten drinks a week, so I decided to. Finally. Probably saving my marriage.

    Alcohol ain’t fun, kids.

  209. 209.

    Steeplejack

    @Amir Khalid:

    From the linked article:

    One of the most controversial aspects of the deal was the huge commission paid to the bank Goldman Sachs International, which underwrote the entire bond issue.

    Goldman’s fee was US$300 million for this transaction alone (the bank claimed similar enormous fees from the other two bonds it helped raise for 1MDB in order to fund the purchase of power plants).

    When asked by business journals as to why it had seen fit to charge such an enormous fee for its services in the raising of this bond, Goldman replied that “the client wanted the money quickly”

    Wow, a 10 percent commission for a quickie transaction. I guess Goldman Sachs doesn’t give volume discounts. But I guess that’s less than the vig on a payday loan.

  215. 215.

    Amir Khalid

    @Steeplejack:
    I don’t even see why a quick transaction should cost Goldman Sachs a penny more than a slow one. It’s not like they send the forms by personal courier.

  217. 217.

    EconWatcher

    @Amir Khalid:

    Surprised to hear that could happen in Malaysia. When I had a recent (admittedly whirlwind) business trip there, the government officials we met seemed absolutely top notch, Singapore-quality. I would have thought they’d have controls built in to prevent that kind of transfer.

  219. 219.

    Steeplejack

    @Major Major Major Major:

    For a good non-drinking drink, I like club soda (or any sparkling water) with a dash or three of bitters in it. Good taste, and the drink has a little color to it, which seems to forestall a lot of stupid “Why aren’t you drinking?” questions.

  222. 222.

    Little Boots

    amir, you make it sound like people are paying attention. this is america. we don’t pay attention, on principal.

  226. 226.

    John Revolta

    McCartney says that the melody for “Yesterday” came to him in his sleep. He walked around with it in his head for several weeks trying to come up with a set of lyrics. In the meantime he had a working set of lyrics called “Scrambled Eggs”.

    Scrambled Eggs……………
    Ooo-eee baby how I love your legs…………..

    Well, maybe first impressions are the best. I dunno.

  227. 227.

    Mnemosyne (tablet)

    @Steeplejack:

    I was at a wedding once where the bartender started making mocktails for the kids with grenadine and club soda. One of the little ones whose mom wasn’t nearby tugged on my skirt, so I got her one.

    As we started walking back across the floor, her mom spotted her four-year-old holding a glass with red liquid in it, and because I am evil, I said, “It’s okay for her to have wine, right?”

    The mom grabbed the glass and sniffed it and was very relieved it was totally innocuous.

  231. 231.

    Steeplejack

    @Amir Khalid:

    The whole idea of a percentage commission is kind of sketchy too. How much more heavy lifting is involved in a $3 billion bond than a $1 billion bond? Two hundred million dollars’ worth? Srsly?

    It’s vampire squid territory.

  233. 233.

    BillinGlendaleCA

    @Omnes Omnibus: We’ve had dinner with madame’s sister-in-law and her spouse, they’re Korean and don’t speak English. I don’t understand Korean very well.

  235. 235.

    ? Martin

    @Amir Khalid: What people may not realize is that the middle class is heavily invested in China (not just the upper class) and many people are heavily leveraged. This is looking not unlike the house flipping population in the US in 2007.

    A few days ago the Chinese government gave permission for people to use their houses as collateral for margin calls. That is all kinds of bad. I’m not sure China has a clue what to do here. Like the ECB, they seem to compound bad decision with bad decision.

  237. 237.

    Steeplejack

    @Mnemosyne (tablet):

    Good song. Haven’t heard that one in a while.

    Honestly, I have been so scarred by some of McCartney’s treacle that I rarely find myself thinking “Hey, let’s listen to some McCartney tonight!” So there are some good songs that get overlooked or forgotten. But, on the other hand, I don’t accidentally run into “Ebony and Ivory.”

  239. 239.

    Amir Khalid

    @EconWatcher:
    There’s the civil service, which can be very professional indeed, as you’ve seen; and then there’s politicians like Najib.

  241. 241.

    EconWatcher

    @Amir Khalid:

    I’ve experienced some major turbulence on airplanes, and I always look at the flight attendants to see if they appear worried–if they don’t, I relax and assume things must be OK. (One time they did look worried, and we later had an emergency re-routing.)

    Similarly, people have been predicting China will crash for several decades, but you can tell if it’s serious by watching the high officials there–do they seem worried? And from all of the bizarre actions they’ve been taking in the last week to stop the freefall in the stock market, I’d say they appear to be panicked.

    In the words of Fred Sanford, “this might be the big one.”

  244. 244.

    Steeplejack

    @Major Major Major Major:

    Tonic water is way too sweet by itself, IMO. I would go ginger ale for a sweetish drink.

    Wedge of lime would go well in the club soda and bitters.

    And, finally, my experience is that bartenders charge an arm and a leg for all drinks. You just really notice it and resent it when it’s non-alcoholic. Best to console yourself with the health effects, not any financial savings.

  263. 263.

    srv

    I’m still looking for the Subaru on google maps

    Now you know the rest of the deer story

  276. 276.

    Steeplejack

    @Little Boots:

    ELO is one of those groups where I had the weird experience of not noticing them at all and then waking up one day: “Jeez, they’ve got like ten hit songs, and I’ve been listening to them for a year.” Disconcerting.

    “Turn to Stone.”

  289. 289.

    Zinsky

    I’m reminded of an old joke:

    q: What is the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

    A: Beer Nuts are $1.49 a bag and deer nuts are under a buck!

  296. 296.

    PJ

    @Steeplejack: There is an additional charge for sketchy activity, a portion of which will be set aside to pay any FCPA fines (the bulk of it will be distributed as bonuses.)

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