Look, you called West Texas the stupidest place, not me. pic.twitter.com/pbZPODn9EU
— Bob Schooley (@Rschooley) July 15, 2015
Okay, it’s nutpicking. But on such a rich lode! From the Washington Post:
BASTROP, Texas — No citizens were rounded up and imprisoned at Wal-Mart. Tanks didn’t rumble down city streets in a declaration of martial law…
In fact, the seven-state war exercise launched in the exact manner Army officials have spent months patiently describing to conspiracy theorists: With no fanfare or cause for alarm, and almost entirely out of sight to the general public. Pops of gunfire echoed beyond the front gates of Camp Swift near Bastrop, Texas, though that hardly seemed out of the ordinary on what is a training ground for the Texas National Guard…
Bastrop Mayor Ken Kesselus has spent weeks trying to dampen impressions that his city of 8,000 people is a hive of “wackos and conspiracy theorists.”
“The last few weeks I’ve had 22 calls. One was from a guy in South Texas who thinks (President Barack) Obama is a communist, a Muslim and evil person and wanted me to warn everybody to hold onto their guns,” Kesselus said. “The other 21 calls were from press.”…
The DFHs at Talking Point Memo have thoughtfully kept us all up to date on America’s fierce protectors:
… The Houston Chronicle in a story published Friday spoke with a leader of the Texas branch of a civilian surveillance group calling itself “Counter Jade Helm.” Eric Johnston, 51, told the newspaper that he’s expected to coordinate 20 volunteers throughout the Lone Star state who will monitor incoming troops.
“If a team member sees two Humvees full of soldiers driving through town, they’re going to follow them,” Johnston told the newspaper. “And they’re going to radio back their ultimate location.” …
The organizer of “Counter Jade Helm” is a former Marine named Pete Lanteri, 44, who currently resides in Arizona. He told the Chronicle that the whole group already has 200 volunteers that include former military and law enforcement officers, with the largest contingent of volunteers based in Arizona…
Both Johnston and Lanteri told the newspaper that they do think the military is up to no good. Yet Lanteri said he’s been screening out interested volunteers who’ve wandered too deep into the “Jade Helm 15” conspiracy theory fever swamp.
“Once I saw the freaking nut-jobs coming out of the woodwork I was spending half my day discrediting what they were posting,” Lanteri told the newspaper. “No nut-jobs will be put in the field.”…
As the media joke goes: Opinions differ!
To celebrate today’s opening, TPM also did a roundup of some of the nuttier theories consuming the Wingnutosphere — from the “Druidic cremation ceremony” at Bohemian Grove, to “an EMP attack — an electromagnetic pulse generated by the detonation of a nuclear weapon in orbit — against states that resist the landmark U.S. Supreme Court ruling that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide,” to the theory that the exercise “actually may be a cover to aid Russia in seizing southern states”. Not included: my personal favorite, that the government engineered the Blue Bonnet Bell ice cream recall as a cover for brigades of “mobile morgues” servicing FEMA camps in recently shuttered WalMarts.
And the Army Times has one I hadn’t heard before: Asteroid strikes!
schrodinger's cat
Blue bonnet? I only know Blue Bunny.
Omnes Omnibus
@schrodinger’s cat: I believe that Blue Bonnet is a margarine brand.
lamh36
“Heritage not Hate”.. yeah, right!!!! Bullshit!
line of Condfed Flag protestors greets POTUS at his hotel in Oklahoma.
first of all I thought they tried to keep POTUS hotel secret? Or do they do so until the day of?
http://t.co/nWxKks4X4W
smintheus
The same people who imagine the US government can secretly take over and enslave the south-west states also imagine the US government cannot openly verify whether Iran is doing forbidden stuff with their nuclear fuel.
spudvol
More like Tinfoil Helm 15.
Villago Delenda Est
It’s distressing that ex-military types, who should know better from personal experience, are so overwhelmed with near sheriff hatred that they’re buying into this crap.
the Conster
DON’T LET THAT TRICKSY OBAMA MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE STUPID DUMBFUCKS, TEXANS. FIGHT HARD AGAINST OBAMA TYRANNY!!!!ELEVENTY!! #JadeHelm #TricksyObama
Omnes Omnibus
@Villago Delenda Est: Fucking Reagan’s autopen signature is on my commission. Yours?
Villago Delenda Est
@Omnes Omnibus: Jimmy Carter.
Chris
@smintheus:
I’ve always found it funny that our conservatives devoutly believe that the U.S. military machine couldn’t possibly have failed to destroy a few ragtag guerrillas like the Viet Cong or its Iraqi equivalents unless liberals stabbed it in the back, but so many of them also believe that they, their trusty shotguns and the neighborhood watch could totally bring that same machine to its knees with Second Amendment Solutions.
(Yes, I know. It’s always different when they do it. American Exceptionalism is a hell of a drug).
Splitting Image
In fairness, the local population probably isn’t subscribing to the conspiracy theories. If the military does this every year, the local businesses undoubtedly know the score and treat all of the soldiers coming in like Aspen treats ski season. The wackos are the ones coming in from elsewhere determined to “help”. Not really surprised to hear that the leader is from Arizona, although I’ll bet Texas as a whole is supplying its fair share. Governor Not-so-Goodhair hasn’t been helping the situation.
I wonder if the “freaking nut jobs” referred to in the article are really further down the rabbit hole, or whether Lanteri is just worried they’re saying the quiet bits out loud. So hard to tell the grifters from the marks these days.
Omnes Omnibus
@Villago Delenda Est: Congrats.
@Chris: They fundamentally don’t understand what a top quality conventional military is good at accomplishing.
LosGatosCA
Once the Confederate flag was discredited and the Civil War re-enactments lost their luster – what else did we expect these people to do?
Take up knitting?
Amir Khalid
Jade Helm 15 and the goofy wingnut reactions are all being filmed for some big Hollywood comedy blockbuster, isn’t it? It’s coming to a theatre near us in summer 2016.
yodecat
Jeebus!
Why give these nutbuckets any print at all? Heavens above! Teh nutcases have been with us for as long as our history.
I’m not at all interested in them, and I don’t think that you should be either.
gf120581
@LosGatosCA: I was hoping for “drink moonshine until they’re in such a stupor they can’t annoy the rest of us.”
Omnes Omnibus
@LosGatosCA: I’ve only seen Union side Civil War re-enactors.
ChiGail
Knitting is good for calming brain fires.
Omnes Omnibus
@yodecat: But I don’t want to go to bed yet….
yodecat
@LosGatosCA: Actually it would be good if they did take up knitting. Better yet, pearling. Better still, tatting. You know, keep those restless hands busy.
Omnes Omnibus
@ChiGail: Do you trust everyone with pointy thingies?
jl
How about we all go down and take it over while they are watching Jade Helm?
I want Austin, San Antonio and that SE bayou part down by Louisiana, for my vacations. Also Gaudalupe Mountains Park, which I think is very cool.
yodecat
@Omnes Omnibus: Heh, then don’t. IMOH there’s far too much rum in the house to yield to early.
Omnes Omnibus
@jl: I would prefer not.
@yodecat: Rum?!
Mike G
I thought they would welcome this, given how the right-wingnutosphere was swooning over the manly-manliness of Putin a while back. They like their leaders to be authoritarian and mean.
But then, I don’t understand how they combine hero worship of the US military with suspicion that the same military is plotting a coup.
ThresherK (GPad)
I cannot wait until Nevada Barr writes a mystery set in, say. big Bend, based on these nutjobs.
Chris
@Omnes Omnibus:
Yep. To be fair, I imagine it could be possible (in a hypothetical future in which the U.S. goes full civil war) for American militias to become as big a problem for the U.S. military as the VC was, if the war culled all the dumb ones out and allowed the few gifted people to survive, rise, learn how to be real and effective guerrillas and pass that on.
It’s just that in that scenario, 90% of the current militia members fantasizing about getting their war on die in a matter of weeks or months. And then maybe the last 10% smarten up.
Steeplejack
Okay, that Schooley quip is LOL-worthy.
wasabi gasp
They could’ve come up with a less culty sounding name.
Steeplejack
Open thread, so . . .
Did we get a report on the D.C. meet-up last night yet? I haven’t gone through today’s threads in detail. Been feeling sore and irritable after the minor medical procedure that prevented me from attending the meet-up. Pretty much all I did today was sleep and—inexplicably—watch Million Dollar Listing: Los Angeles on Bravo. Oh, yeah, bought a few things on Amazon, none connected to Prime Day, that I could tell.
Omnes Omnibus
@Chris: If the US Military were to be sent after Bundy, Bundy and all of his friends could disappear at the command of an Artillery 2LT. As in gone. Off the top of my my head, I still can think of the shell/pattern volleys that would work.
Villago Delenda Est
@Mike G: The problem is not that the military is plotting a coup (they’d approve of that) it’s that the military apparently still follows the orders of the Commander in Chief when they disapprove of same.
Villago Delenda Est
@Omnes Omnibus: It would take mere minutes to do so, even with a lot of poor bracketing.
Chris
@Omnes Omnibus:
I believe it. Like I said: the dumb die quick. The people who have success against the U.S. military are usually not the ones who congregate in one single spot in the desert, paint a big neon sign on themselves and basically tell the opposition “come and get us!”
Villago Delenda Est
@Chris: These people lack the sense to know that they need to be mobile to have the slightest chance of surviving an actual attack by the US military.
NotMax
Funny how even the most rabid conspiratoids are remaining mum about the zombie Nazi polar bears, hm?
Omnes Omnibus
@Villago Delenda Est: I was really good at calling for fire. The standard was a bracket in five. I never needed more than three.
Steeplejack
@Amir Khalid:
Paul Blart: Jade Helm Monitor. I think that’s about the right artistic level.
Omnes Omnibus
@Chris: Every group has an HQ.
ETA: Destroy it; you have destroyed command and control.
Felonius Monk
@wasabi gasp:
Tin Foil Pinheads, perhaps?
Felonius Monk
@efgoldman: Maybe Omnes isn’t a cheese lover either.
Tree With Water
What makes it all the more laughable is the fact the most famous army maneuvers in U.S. history occurred in Louisiana and adjoining states under the hawked eyed gaze of General George Marshall, who used the war game to weed out the good old boys, and ring in the officer corps that fought and won WW2.
Felonius Monk
I just picture these guys sitting around their campfire out on the Texas prairie, dressed in their camos, eating beans, watching porn on their smartphones and, of course, farting. Reminiscent of that wonderful scene from Blazing Saddles.
Howard Beale IV
Bob Cesca is going to host Infowars ‘reporter’ Dan Bidondi tomorrow on the Bob and Chez show.
I don’t know whether to cheer or to shoot myself.
wasabi gasp
@Felonius Monk: The military would’ve thrown tin foil pinheads for a loop with that name.
Steeplejack
Another thought from watching (too much) TV today: Why is anybody still making boxing movies?! (Saw the trailer for Southpaw.) The actual boxing demographic has been on life support for 50 years, the boxing-movie demographic ever since the Rocky movies, with occasional twisty flare-ups (Million Dollar Baby—chick boxers!) Seriously, is that the only avenue through which gutsy, blue-collar heroes can express their drive to excel? They’ve never seen an MMA match on cable?
SoupCatcher
Since it’s an open thread…
I bring you the work of Dr. Robert Kuisis, psychological consultant for 1980s children’s cartoons.
Synopsis and Morals for first season of Thundercats.
Tree With Water
@efgoldman: .. I tried to work in Sherman having been the first president of LSU, but it didn’t quite fit.
Amir Khalid
@Steeplejack:
I guess MMA hasn’t had time yet to build up a nostalgic haze around itself, unlike the much older sport of boxing. You need that haze to obscure, somewhat, the fact that the nice young fellow people will be rooting for in the movie is trying to achieve his ambitions by beating the crap out of other perfectly nice young fellows.
Mike in NC
I spent three weeks at Fort Hood in Texas in 2006, I think, in July/August. It just doesn’t get any shittier than that.
the Conster
The first reports on Jade Helm I’ve seen are from the Guardian. They reported that nothing has happened.
I just can’t comprehend this thing. When I grew up I hated feeling like I was being either naive or stupid, and everyone I knew did too, so we all went and got as educated as we could. Their proud ignorance – they don’t know what they don’t know and have made that a value – is horrifying, because everyone smarter than them is a threat.
Tommy
The world is a wonderful place. I was just watching a YouTube video. Clicked on a link to some dude playing Fast Car on Britain’s Got talent 2011. Most days, well I’d click away, but listened. Wow.
wasabi gasp
@Amir Khalid:
obscured nostalgic haze
Mike in NC
@Villago Delenda Est: It was amazing how soon after Obama’s first inauguration the way the wingnuts started talking about how it was time for a military coup to prove how democracy in this country had failed.
Steeplejack
@Amir Khalid:
That’s true. It would be one thing if it was a period piece, like a Western, but as a “contemporary” piece it jangles.
John Revolta
It’s true! Portland is full of dildoes.
JGabriel
There’s a difference?
Hungry Joe
“Jade Helm”: What a great Peter Sellers movie that would have made.
mai naem mobile
Maybe Obama came up with this to keep the nutjobs occupied, like you do with a little kid. And he picked Texas because its the stupidest state in the country.
Snarki, child of Loki
Nuke agreement with Iran announced just before the start of JADE HELM?
Coincidence, or did Obummer’s deal give Texas to the Iranians??1?
Patriots of Texas, wake up! Iranians disguised as US troops will be “pacifying” your community. The NSA has provided them with a list of all gun-owners to target for removal.
Your only chance is to use the recognition symbol, that tells these troops to pass you by: attach a falafel to your front door.
Do it now, or you might wake up in the middle of the night, in a FEMA tunnel under Walmart. Courage!
danielx
That one is maybe a little over the top, but…on the other hand I heard years ago about a theory that Lawrence Welk was actually Martin Bormann with plastic surgery. He was supposedly getting revenge on the US of A for winning WW2 by subjecting a couple of generations of completely innocent grandchildren and other complete bystanders to hours of hideous champagne music every week. Which, when you come to think on it a little, might not be all that implausible.
Jade Helm is an exercise, which is kind of what the military does when there’s time available if I remember right. There have been much bigger ones over the years, including regiment and division sized airborne and air mobile units, and people didn’t go crazy about it. I can sort of understand the paranoia, not only because of the Fox/NRA/Jeebus distilled and distributed fear upon which wingnuts have fed for years. Various governmental entities – “upstairs”, as the kids say these days – have come up with some truly bone headed, not to mention criminal, contingency plans. Operation Northwoods comes to mind, to name one example. Is what high level staffers do, make up contingency plans and try exercises to see how they work. Which of course never work in reality they way they do in exercises, ever.
mouse tolliver
Snowpiercer.
Last night I clicked over to this movie expecting a mindless Chris Evans actions thirller. (I mainly felt like ogling Chris Evans.) It was only after Tilda Swinton showed up, doing a vicious parody of Maggie Thatcher and Ayn Rand, that I realized I was watching a smarter than average dystopian sci-fi parable in the same vein as Children of Men.
Nice flick.
Amir Khalid
The final joint on my left pinky finger feels swollen and tender. I seem to have injured it somehow.
ETA: There’s also a bruise on the joint. Ouch.
Major Major Major Major
Oh, lord.
All this stuff just makes me think about the mountain goats album All Hail West Texas.
In unrelated news, today I learned that a man twice my age and four inches shorter can absolutely fuck my shit up. I’m picking a different sparring partner next week.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Amir Khalid: No gardening for you today.
Major Major Major Major
The cafe I’ve been at all day has had a lucha libre marathon on tv. It’s beautiful.
mclaren
Hilarious that the Texas Jade Helm conspiracy theorists continue to ignore the real conspiracy — namely, the concerted effort by America’s military-police-prison-surveillance-torture complex to scare them with constant fairytales about eeeeeeeeeeeeevil ISIS terrorists lurking under their beds and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil insurgents skulking in third-world caves and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil nogoodniks sneaking around America taking pictures of our sacred Dairy Queens and Quicky Lubes.
mclaren
Regarding the Republican presidential debates, I propose that they be resolved like Mexican masked wrestling contests. Let the candidate who can head-spin and chair-toss the best win!
For the Republican candidates truly are the luchadores of politics.
The Robot Vs. The Aztec Mummies has become America’s theme song.
Tommy
I lived in West Texas. Not a fan. Just saying.
Suzanne
I have been getting into weightlifting and my legs are getting ripped. Yaaaay!
My fitness goal is to look as great as Serena Williams or FLOTUS.
Major Major Major Major
@Suzanne: congrats! Always feels good to look good.
@mclaren: second lucha reference in the thread. Peculiar.
Tommy
@Suzanne: Said as a middle age dude you go girl. I find that body type sexy. Last email I sent to my father was about how Serena might be the best athlete of her generation. I think that is the case, but then my parents put a tennis racket in my hands before I could stand :)!
NotMax
@Suzanne
Or Caitlyn Jenner?
:)
Tommy
Peter Gabriel’s “Shaken The Tree” world concert on and dancing the night away.
Amir Khalid
@NotMax:
Jenner had long and skinny limbs as a male athlete, and indeed still does as a woman.
seaboogie
@efgoldman: Agreed. Not even sure how much they believe this. Maybe more just bored and want to get out of the house, bring the gun, and see if they can get an adrenaline flow.
srv
@Amir Khalid: Vivacious cousin complemented me on my legs this weekend. “I notice that stuff,” she said.
srv
Obama’s minions drop Hillary:
John Revolta
Out in the West Texas town of El Paso
I fell in love with a chihuahua DON’T YOU JUDGE ME
Major Major Major Major
@srv: wow, that amount is so close to the $120 million he’s already raised to make it almost newsworthy.
srv
@Major Major Major Major: I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to see a liberal who doesn’t demonize those good people – trapped in a no-win situation by Carter and Barney Frank. You should have a blog.
Major Major Major Major
@srv: click my nym, dork. I know you were being sarcastic but I do.
srv
I can’t go to be w/o spreading the latest obamanation just appearing in my inbox:
Selling baby parts, surrendering to the Ayatollahs, using the IRS to crush freedom… how can you people sleep at night?
Major Major Major Major
@srv: obviously you don’t know how to…
Never mind. Obvious troll is obvious.
TriassicSands
Jade Helm takeover FAILS!!!
As always the nuts will have an answer — Why didn’t Generalissimo Obama disarm all Texans and lock millions up in camps? The answer is obvious — because of the vigilance of Texans.
Yeah, you called us crazy, but since we were alert and prepared, meaning we have a shitload of guns and explosives, and all the other military necessities of a civilized, modern life, we prevented the takeover from happening. We showed Obama, who really, really hates America.
I read the article in the NYTimes about the Jade Helm delusionals and it was depressing. Dr. Jack Campbell, who lives in Cristobal, Texas and is an emergency physician in San Angelo, poses in his sleeveless shirt, sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck, which sports a Carson ’16 sticker, and says that his concerns about Jade Helm led to his buying extra ammunition. Hey, if we knew nothing else, the Carson sticker would tell us this guy is a lunatic, and once again we see living evidence that it is possible to be intelligent and a complete idiot. Of course he supports Carson. They’re both smart, really, really stupid people.
I used to think if I could have one wish before I die, it would be that we’d discover the presence of live other than on the Earth. Now, while that still ranks up there, I’m beginning to think that learning that Texas had seceded from the United States might come in tied for first place.
Tommy
@TriassicSands:
Oh I understand. Lived in TX and hated it even as a kid. Hated it. Years later I was at LSU as a grad school student. My best friend from Vermont. We drove the state just because we could. Wondered what was in Luckenbach, it was in a song, so we drove there.
I both love and hate Texas at the same time if that makes sense …..
Zinsky
I travel a fair amount internationally and shit like this makes me embarrassed to be an American. Trust me, every other first world nation looks at these morons in Texas and wonders how the USA got to be the world power that it is. Pathetic.
Keith G
@yodecat:
It’s the new and socially approvable freak show and like all freak shows it is a way to feel better about one’s own conditions and invincibilities with so little effort.
Life with this level of internet penetration means that goofballs who in the past would have only been seen yammering about their passion of the week outside the local F. W. Woolworth can now be talked about by millions, featured on blogs, and attract others of the cohort of confusion from around the country.
One can read that mental illness affects 27% of the population. Just for the sake of argument, cutting that number in half and applied to Texas gives a number of 3,500,000 ish. That is approaching the population of Los Angeles. That gives you an idea of the size of the applicant pool for “believers in the crazy” in Texas.
If one person in a thousand is a bit of a paranoid with a dash of narcissism (not a far off number, I bet), Texas has 27,000 of them. And some of them can appeal to the 3,500,000 mentioned above and get elected to office.
The only thing that makes the Texas Freak extraordinary may be the numbers.
And consider that these numbers work the other way as well. World class researchers, artists, physicians, and humanitarians are also well represented here.
@TriassicSands: All out have to do is stay the hell out of our state, and you will be fine.
Keith G
@Zinsky:
Do you mean those “other first world nations” that are experiencing resurgent extreme nationalist agitation and anti Semitism?
Those first world nations?
Dave
@Chris: The corollary to that though is that counterinsurgency is much easier when everyone speaks the language and is familiar with the local culture but yes an entrenched movement would eventually produce some people that would actually be skilled at being insurgents. It’s a field that does not reward the incompetent with continued life.
lou
@Felonius Monk: I thought of a different scene from Blazing Saddles when reading the New York Times version of this story: The one where Gene Wilder is reassuring Cleavon Little after the townspeople reject him as sheriff. “These are simple folk, salt of the earth… You know…morons.”
boatboy_srq
Wouldn’t the counter to Jade Helm be Amber Cuirass?
IOW, expecting the US DoD to in essence wage war upon individual states because [mumble mumble Kenyan IslamoFascoSoshulism mumble states’ rights mumble Agenda 21 mumble] is sane, and there are volk who are
even more b#tshit-crazy than thatnutjobs who are getting sent home? Wow.boatboy_srq
@Mike G:
The Armed Forces are trained to overthrow Ahmurrca’s enemies by causing maximum disruption and destruction. So when they’re at home they have to be working against Ahmurrca because it’s what they’re trained to do. Also, because the US’ all-volunteer military attracts more of Those Other People to its ranks, sending them Over There means fewer of them Back Home – and we all know how uppity they get when they’re around their betters.
/snark
The Other Chuck
Good, since that’s exactly the sort of thing that would go on in unfriendly occupied areas. Might give the troops some training in evasion techniques.
Wait, I just said that parts of the USA are ideal simulations of enemy territory :(
Tree With Water
When Jerry Brown was elected governor a few years ago, he wanted to invite the U.S. army to war game on the streets of San Francisco. You can guess the reaction, the difference being San Franciscans weren’t worried about being occupied or arrested sans due process. I’ll never understand what Brown- who is a native San Franciscan and knew it wouldn’t fly, he must have- was thinking when he ran that one up the flagpole.
Berial
I just gotta say I have NEVER seen the amount of sheer CRAZY from the right as I have about this story. I’m not taking about crazy. I’m talking CRAZY. I mean should be in a padded cell, crazy. If you ever want to see just how FAR the ‘right’ has fallen just look to the amount of crazy coming from this story and how much they AREN’T calling their own out on it.
billb
How could these geniuses not have noticed that this Mission is RIGHT NEXT TO Mexico. This is not about your fat pasty-white azzzes, it is about threatening the bloody drug-lords.