Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I like political parties that aren’t owned by foreign adversaries.

They don’t have outfits that big. nor codpieces that small.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

Rupert, come get your orange boy, you petrified old dinosaur turd.

Too often we confuse noise with substance. too often we confuse setbacks with defeat.

Welcome to day five of every-bit-as-bad-as-you-thought-it-would-be.

Wake up. Grow up. Get in the fight.

Not loving this new fraud based economy.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

I’m starting to think Jesus may have made a mistake saving people with no questions asked.

Fear or fury? The choice is ours.

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

Jesus watching the most hateful people claiming to be his followers

Today in our ongoing national embarrassment…

People really shouldn’t expect the government to help after they watched the GOP drown it in a bathtub.

I desperately hope that, yet again, i am wrong.

When we show up, we win.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.

Never give a known liar the benefit of the doubt.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Let there be snark.

All hail the time of the bunny!

You are here: Home / Kinder, gentler machine gun hand

Reader Interactions

81Comments

  1. 1.

    boatboy_srq

    Cruz is sleazy snake-oil salesman regardless of what costume he wears. The fact that he patented the complex hydrocarbon in the snake oil isn’t really relevant when the product still makes people sick and the cost of it drives all but the 1% to penury.

  2. 2.

    Booger

    For the party of fiscal responsibility, that seems like a fairly expensive way to cook bacon. And the grease goes to waste.

  3. 3.

    KG

    i don’t know much about gun safety (every gun i’ve shot either involved water, nerf pellets, a nintendo, or that one time i tried paint balling), but i can’t imagine that stunt would qualify as “safe” or “responsible”

  4. 4.

    barkleyg

    @Booger: And the grease goes to waste.

    NO! With all the BULL the Republicans are stating as FACT, they are going to need all the Grease they can get to keep their CRAP being
    burned into their followers brains(?)!

  7. 7.

    boatboy_srq

    @Booger: The grease is used to oil/clean the gun, so not wasted. The ammo, though…

    … but then again wasting ordnance to no good purpose has never been a Reichwing concern.

  8. 8.

    SP

    I count 13 shots in the video, and only saw the paper target move once, on the first shot
    Cruz would say- I put the first shot in the head, and all the others through the same hole!

  9. 9.

    Amir Khalid

    As commenter Raven has pointed out, that weapon’s not a machine gun. So it should probably be called rifle bacon. That method doesn’t seem practical for most American homes — safety issues, strong likelihood of neighbours calling the cops etc. I don’t know if it’s any way to cook bacon, but it looks like a great way to end up with a rifle smelling of rancid grease.

  11. 11.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    There was a story when he won the TX senate primary against Dewhurst (was that the name?), he was surprised, as his plan was to gbuild up name idea and fundraising lists to make a run for Gov. Maybe that’s still his plan, and he’s just goofing for now

    ETA: should we make bets on the first Darwin award happening this year from somebody making Ted Cruz bacon?

  12. 12.

    ThresherK

    Gawd, remember when this song was new?

    Everyone was lining up behind Bush the Elder, and something in my gut said “This isn’t all it seems”, and Neil made this record when all the pre-internet, pre-Fox News press corpse was ready to re-elect Bush by (Beltway Inbred) voice vote.

  15. 15.

    DougJ

    @ThresherK:

    Bush I — as a president, not as a campaigner — was probably closer to Hillary and Obama than to anyone running as an R this time (except Pataki).

  16. 16.

    Ruviana

    Given what I’ve read about Ted’s hygiene maybe you don’t want him airing out his pecs… Just sayin’.

  18. 18.

    boatboy_srq

    @MobiusKlein: Meh. Teahadis never cared about lead in paint or vehicle exhaust, so there’s no reason they should care about lead in actual food, either.

  19. 19.

    ThresherK

    @DougJ: Yeah, that too. He was the first Republican candidate in my adult-ish lifetime to lose because he was NotConservativeEnough.

    At that time I did not know my history, and have since learned that every losing Republican carried that flaw.

  20. 20.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @DougJ: in terms of what he actually believed, but his pledge of allegiance/card-carrying member/worse than Hitler demagoguery set the stage for his son and everything that followed. I always think of David Souter as what Poppy was/is, Clarence Thomas as what he was willing to do to get/hold power, based on some very Bushian delusions about their class in general (who should be in charge) and their family in particular– I never bought in to MoDo’s view of the Bushes (they divide the world into two classes, The Family, and the help) until I saw Dumbya in action.

  21. 21.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    I’m still hoping someone goes the full Putin and airs his pecs a little.

    You hate me. Is it my new tattoo? I know I’m at the older edge of the demographic, and I’d planned for a discreet little π or μ.

    Also, counsel for dweeby Ivy league grads would like a word. He’s in the specific raging asshole (even more than most) dweeby Ivy league grad subgroup.

  22. 22.

    japa21

    @Another Holocene Human: Interesting article.

    For John Roberts and others who think racism is no longer an issue, I provide this quote:

    “Racism in society and the church is alive and well; to think otherwise, proves my point.”

  23. 23.

    lowercase steve

    @RobertB:

    NRA types love to get snotty about gun terminology when we don’t use the precise terms they require when discussing gun control. Let’s see if they jump in to mock Cruz for the use of “machine gun” for a semi-automatic rifle. I am not sure if they’ll give him a pass or see it as the transparent attempt at pandering by an outsider that is obviously is.

  25. 25.

    srv

    This video just shows how Cruz stands out. He’s a man who is willing to explore new ways to do things, even if it is just a culinary exploration here. Of course, you ‘sophisticated’ Stewart fans can only see a slice of pancetta and not all that lies beneath.

    We’d still be eating roots & nuts if our ancestors had all been like DougJ.

  26. 26.

    boatboy_srq

    @shell: No. Next up is Cruz freezing a steak by leaving it on the steps of the Capital (in January, during the next big snowstorm), as proof that AGCC is an IslamoFascoSoshulist treehugger plot to take away Ahmurrcans’ red meat.

  27. 27.

    oldster

    There’s something about this guy’s face that will never, ever, look manly and tough.

    He makes Dukakis in a tank look like the Marlboro man.

  30. 30.

    JImH

    PeeWee Herman would have been more believable. And, hard as it is to believe, the bacon doesn’t seem as greasy as Ted.

  31. 31.

    p.a.

    Enfield Paper Cartridge
    The infamous cartridge difficulties combined religious sensibilities with technological change. For years the EIC had relied on a simple but inaccurate smooth bore musket. It was decided to introduce a more accurate muzzle loading Enfield Rifled Musket. One way to speed up the loading process was the introduction of a paper cartridge with the bullet sitting on the exact quantity of powder needed. The loader was required to bite open this paper cartridge to expose the powder. The original cartridges were made in Britain and had been covered in tallow to help protect the cartridge from the elements. Unfortunately the tallow had been made from a beef and pork fat. To the British users of these cartridges, this made no big deal. Hindu and Muslim users were horrified at the defiling fat. The EIC quickly realised its blunder and replaced the animal fat with vegetable fat but the damage had already been done. To Hindus and Muslims alike, their worst fears of being ritually humiliated had been confirmed. Many assumed that this had been a deliberate policy by the Europeans who were looking to impose their own religion on the sub-continent. Battalion after battalion refused to use the new cartridges. Some even refused to handle the cartridges when officers had allowed them the option of tearing open the cartridges instead of biting them. As far as the officers were concerned, refusing to obey an order was tantamount to mutiny as it was. Different commanders handled the situation in different ways – some with more sensitivity than others. The first shots were to be fired by (an inebriated) Mungal Pandy on March 29th at Barrackpore.

  35. 35.

    MattF

    It’s ancient history… but remember that New Yorker profile of Cruz that portrayed him as a conservative wunderkind? It should now be clear that it was completely wrong. Missed all the important things about Cruz.

  36. 36.

    PurpleGirl

    I first saw this video over at Mahablog where Barbara O’Brien paired it with a video made by some other Texas gun nut. Cooking bacon on the end of a rifle seems to be a thing now in Texas. I wouldn’t eat that bacon no matter what you tried to pay me. And both of these videos have the same problem, as Raven and Amir point out, they aren’t using machine guns. (Cruz’s crooked smile is more than a little creepy, btw.)

  37. 37.

    Steve from Antioch

    As if we needed more any more proof that Ted Cruz is a fraud:

    Not a machine gun.

    Barrel would only be warm to the touch after that many rounds.

  38. 38.

    dedc79

    The same folks who screamed that Obama demeaned the presidency by doing youtube interviews don’t seem to have a problem with a whole host of other “undignified” stunts.

  39. 39.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    @DougJ: You got it. Are you familiar with semicolon tattoos? If you are, it makes more sense: he used a period when we wish he’d used a semicolon.

    Mr Q. loves telling people I got a tattoo that includes some other guy’s initials. Then he explains the anti-stigma message and who that guy was.

  40. 40.

    Emma

    @Another Holocene Human: I think it’s partly racism and partly that the last two Popes have been hyper-conservative. African-American priests tend to fall to the liberal side of the spectrum. Mind you, it’s not one or another; it’s a two-fer.

  43. 43.

    Mike in NC

    @Ruviana: Cruz does look like a guy who needs to shower five times a day just to keep the oil oozing from his pores under control.

  45. 45.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    @DougJ:

    Bush I — as a president, not as a campaigner — was probably closer to Hillary and Obama than to anyone running as an R this time (except Pataki).

    That’s true and he’d be called a sissy liberal by the masses to his face, except that he’s Our Father Who Art in Houston, and everyone with any sense is afraid of Barbara Bush.

    @Ruviana: I think I want to stay away from your reading material.

  46. 46.

    JPL

    How long before someone tries a reenactment and accidentally shoots someone. But officer I was just cooking some bacon.

  48. 48.

    bemused

    Cruz couldn’t even machine gun bacon correctly. What’s he going to try next, rolling coal?

  49. 49.

    Mike in NC

    Craig Whitlock at the Washington Post has a long piece about Lindsey Graham’s (lack of) service in the Air Force Reserve. Basically he was a joke who got promoted merely by being a DC politician. By comparison, the guy makes an AWOL George W. Bush look like Audie Murphy.

    Lindsey will be the first to drop out, since he can’t crack 1%.

  52. 52.

    Betty Cracker

    Dafuq? Let’s focus on the culinary fail aspect for a moment: What a grievous insult to the concept of bacon (not to mention hogs) to heat a strip up on a metal cylinder, encased in foil, with no prospect of proper crisping. That tiny little burnt bit Cruz consumed at the end was the only remotely edible piece. If he had attempted to unwind the strip and take a proper bite, the raw pieces would have stretched out to make him look like some gross jackal scavenging through the entrails of another animal’s kill. Which is pretty much what he is.

  53. 53.

    CONGRATULATIONS!

    Shit, I wash my hands multiple times after every time I go to the range. I can taste the lead residue for at least a day afterwards. I think blasting that particulate crap all over your food is really not the best idea, but, hey, please proceed, Senator.

  56. 56.

    White Trash Liberal

    This is just a macho he-man stunt. He should have snuck in a pork barrel pun and it would have been a winner.

  60. 60.

    Another Holocene Human

    @White Trash Liberal: The NRA exists to protect the profits of gun manufacturers.

    And dealers.
    And bullet manufacturers.
    And powder manufacturers.

    They don’t care about dues from little people and their membership figures are made up.

  61. 61.

    Botsplainer

    @a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q):

    You hate me. Is it my new tattoo? I know I’m at the older edge of the demographic, and I’d planned for a discreet little π or μ.

    I like it! Not my style (I go with diving themes), but I like women with ink.

    The Mayans loved my kinda large scuba diver skull tat on my right shoulder (it goes down to my bicep). I’m looking to enlarge my left shoulder stuff – maybe a band consisting of a long tentacled squid, and I’ve still got a lot of back and ribcage left to cover.

    Wore a shortsleeved polo to work one day in the spring, and wound up having to go to court as a sudden surprise during a busy motion day. Apparently the amount of ink and extent of coverage caused some amusement for some of my colleagues, particularly the older ones.

  62. 62.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    @Botsplainer: I can’t wait to see how the Warren County Bar Assn likes it when I present the annual ethics + professionalism CLE I do for them!

    The non profit folks seem not at all bothered by it (mostly MH, so it’s understood and supported) but law job interviews will need to feature a bracelet.

    Wore a shortsleeved polo to work one day in the spring, and wound up having to go to court as a sudden surprise during a busy motion day. Apparently the amount of ink and extent of coverage caused some amusement for some of my colleagues, particularly the older ones.

    That’s terrific. I want to go to court to see how it goes over. I had lunch with a judge and former prosecutor last Friday and neither noticed. Of course we had slightly more important things to discuss, like the fact that you have to include a reckless homicide charge in the UC police case.

  65. 65.

    Botsplainer

    Oh HELL no. Am so NOT getting lunch from the sushi truck – they got a C grade from the board of health last month.

    Settling for a pulled pork sammich from the BBQ truck.

  67. 67.

    Josie

    @dexwood: The really scary thing is that neither he nor his advisors realize how creepy that looks (even more than his usual creepiness).

  68. 68.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    @a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): I should note that this judge has absolutely no connection to the UC police shooting case, other than being on the same bench. And the other former prosecutor at that lunch is retired and also unconnected. As am I, save for having opinions on the topic.

  69. 69.

    Helmut Monotreme

    Cruz’s face kinda looks like it is in the first stages of melting clean off his skull, or like a butter sculpture in it’s first few minutes under a heat lamp.

  75. 75.

    Zinsky

    I don’t think Cruz is so damn smart, the weasel-faced little turd. I wish someone would slap him hard and watch the little brat start crying.

  76. 76.

    RaflW

    I now know why Andrew Sullivan quit blogging. He knew this was coming. And it would’ve permanently ruined his schoolboy crush Thatcherite fantasy of conservatism.

    His dream is dead, buried, and having its grave danced upon by the likes of Trump, Cruz and all the others.

  78. 78.

    Turner Hedenkoff

    That may be the dumbest piece of right-wing dick-waving I’ve ever seen — and I lived in Alabama for 15 years.

  79. 79.

    MomSense

    @boatboy_srq:

    They may second amendment themselves out of existence.

    Since they didn’t show the paper target, my guess is Cruz is a terrible shot.

    Also too, is the guy at the end of the video the same guy as the gun range owner who made a video a couple of years ago saying that gun owners should stretch, eat healthy, and get in shape so they can fight the government when they come for their guns??

  80. 80.

    Central Planning

    That video is just as dumb as the wedding picture where everyone is holding a gun.

    I watched it without sound so I don’t know what song was referenced above, but I don’t have it in my to let it play again with the sound on.

  81. 81.

    brantl

    I don’t think that I’ve seen a candidate be more of a douchebag on film before, and with Trump and Carson in the race, I thought that would have been tough. Surprise, surprise!

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