Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

It’s all just conspiracy shit beamed down from the mothership.

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

Welcome to day five of every-bit-as-bad-as-you-thought-it-would-be.

I did not have this on my fuck 2025 bingo card.

I might just take the rest of the day off and do even more nothing than usual.

Live so that if you miss a day of work people aren’t hoping you’re dead.

Let me file that under fuck it.

Never give a known liar the benefit of the doubt.

We still have time to mess this up!

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

You are so fucked. Still, I wish you the best of luck.

Giving in to doom is how we fail to fight for ourselves & one another.

Give the craziest people you know everything they want and hope they don’t ask for more? Great plan.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

Since we are repeating ourselves, let me just say fuck that.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Innocent people don’t delay justice.

The arc of history bends toward the same old fuckery.

GOP baffled that ‘we don’t care if you die’ is not a winning slogan.

Not so fun when the rabbit gets the gun, is it?

Boeing: repeatedly making the case for high speed rail.

Republicans don’t trust women.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Motto for the House: Flip 5 and lose none.

You are here: Home / Science & Technology / Some Apes, It Seems, Are More Equal than Others

Some Apes, It Seems, Are More Equal than Others

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Here’s your Friday science news:

Now researchers have published their analysis of the clip in the journal Primates, and they’re quite impressed.

In addition to showing a stellar example of tool use — which chimps are pretty great at — researchers now say the video shows that the chimp planned out its actions in advance.

I’m personally less afraid of the chimps taking over than I am of the GOP. Less violence and about the same amount of public masturbation and shit-flinging.

If this was a cat, it would scare me, because they’ve already figured out how to use us as tools.

Reader Interactions

43Comments

  6. 6.

    Baud

    @Mike E:

    What a piece of work is a chimp, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Chimp delights not me— nor woman chimp neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.

  7. 7.

    Heliopause

    Lucky for us, cats still need a species with opposable thumbs to open the can of Friskies. Once they solve that one, though, it’s curtains for us humans.

  14. 14.

    SiubhanDuinne

    An eight-year-old of my acquaintance approached me yesterday and solemnly asked my views on anti-vivisection. I, equally solemnly, told him that I have been an anti-vivisectionist since I was just about his age. He then proceeded to tell me about chimps and gorillas used in scientific experiments, and was horrified, and wanted to know if I had ever heard of this woman named Jane Goodall. Of course I said yes, and proved it by showing him that I follow her on FB.

    I’m really knocked out that a kid that age (any age, really, these days) has even heard the term “anti-vivisection.” When he’s a little older, I’ll tell him about Dr. Sen. Bill Frist and the number he did on cats. But not quite yet.

  15. 15.

    Felonius Monk

    @Baud:

    And shortly thereafter will come the chimp trolls.

    I read that too fast — I thought you said “shrimp rolls” — it made me hungry.

  20. 20.

    trollhattan

    That’s awesome. If the taliban see this they’re going to put out an RFB for 10,000-foot sticks.

  23. 23.

    Jeffro

    Can I just say, me & my family are (finally) working our way through Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s COSMOS on DVD, and my kids are apeshit about it (pun intended)?

    My daughter wants to write him a fangirl letter at the end of every episode.

    My son is excited about the multiverse. He’s 10.

    They both ‘get it’ about evolution, about a universe that’s more than 6,000 years old, and they have vastly more respect for the great names of science (heralded and not) than I could ever have instilled in them.

    Meanwhile, something like half of all Americans are watching some version of CSI or playing “Candy Crush” or whatever…sigh…

  24. 24.

    Roger Moore

    @Heliopause:

    Lucky for us, cats still need a species with opposable thumbs to open the can of Friskies. Once they solve that one, though, it’s curtains for us humans.

    Not at all. Why would cats want to get rid of us, even if they could open their own food? We’re still the ones that provide the food in the first place. Cats aren’t going to trade in the easy life for going back to hunting for a living.

  25. 25.

    FlyingToaster

    @Jeffro:

    something like half of all Americans are watching some version of CSI or playing “Candy Crush” or whatever…sigh…

    The people watching CSI are on your side, dude.

    The people watching TLC (where Honey Boo Boo and the Duggars used to appear) are the problem.

    OT, but seriously bugging ChezToaster: WTF is it with Christian Mingle ads on the Science Channel? We’re watching Mythbusters or What Could Possibly go Wrong or Outrageous Acts of Science and wham, one of these creepy ads. I’m thinking I shouldn’t have SCI cleared for WarriorGirl (age 7, atheist).

  26. 26.

    Heliopause

    @Roger Moore:

    Dude, when they find you one morning with your throat ripped out and bloody pawprints all over the bedroom, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  29. 29.

    jacy

    @Roger Moore:

    I remember there was a series “Life Without Humans” on maybe Discovery? And one of the conclusions that they came to was that in the years following human disappearance, cats would colonize high-rise buildings and basically have a society that was at the top of their particular branch of the food chain. Having cats, I do not doubt this for a moment.

  32. 32.

    kindness

    They switched the brains of a chimp and a TeaHaddist. The TeaHaddist got smarter but the poor chimp became a raving idiot.

  39. 39.

    SectionH

    Um, I hate to break the news, about that basically obsolete 20th canning thing. The new for now sexy cat foods are already sold in soft packets.

    The kind easily ripped open by any sharp object. Oh, like a claw…

  40. 40.

    Brachiator

    If the chimps develop a tool for picking locks and find the door to the enclosure, things could get interesting.

    The article has a number of fun links, one to an article about why cats don’t care about us.

  41. 41.

    Matt McIrvin

    My cat Niobe once managed to steal a raw pork chop that was wrapped in plastic inside a grocery bag that I had foolishly left on the kitchen floor for a few seconds. She got the plastic open, pulled the pork chop out, and was making off with it by the time I spotted her. I give her points for ambition.

  42. 42.

    Nutella

    I’m personally less afraid of the chimps taking over than I am of the GOP.

    They are smarter and better-behaved, so yeah.

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