Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

When we show up, we win.

Let me file that under fuck it.

Speaker Mike Johnson is a vile traitor to the House and the Constitution.

The Supreme Court cannot be allowed to become the ultimate, unaccountable arbiter of everything.

If you voted for Trump, you don’t get to speak about ethics, morals, or rule of law.

Consistently wrong since 2002

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

Text STOP to opt out of updates on war plans.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

The gop is a fucking disgrace.

“Perhaps I should have considered other options.” (head-desk)

Jack Smith: “Why did you start campaigning in the middle of my investigation?!”

“Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on.”

There are some who say that there are too many strawmen arguments on this blog.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

I swear, each month of 2025 will have its own history degree.

The republican speaker is a slippery little devil.

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

These are not very smart people, and things got out of hand.

Not rolling over. fuck you, make me.

Republican speaker of the house Mike Johnson is the bland and smiling face of evil.

Fear or fury? The choice is ours.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

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Reader Interactions

105Comments

  1. 1.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    I feel for you. Max was a guard dog by breeding and so barking was automatic when something alerted him. I never did stop him from barking but it got to where I could say “Do you fucking mind?” and he’d stop barking, look at me sheepishly and go lie down. Mrs. Fuckhead could say, “The street doesn’t belong to you.” and get the same results.

    I think he just needed to know we were aware of the danger.

  2. 2.

    corgiguy

    A squirt from a water bottle and a stern “No!” works with my dog. The stream from the bottle reaches about 8-10 feet. You can buy spray bottles at many stores.

  4. 4.

    Wind Pond

    Enroll in puppy obedience school. My dog was barking incessantly along with other bad habits. We went to school 2 x /week for one month, had homework, had to put in the time between school days, but at the end of the month, BAM! best dog I’ve ever had. Not sure who got trained but I learned it’s all about management – me managing my dog, not yelling, being consistent. Totally worth it.

  6. 6.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    The lesson here is that dogs really suck. And now that Max is gone, I want a German Shepherd puppy so much that I may go get one despite being forbidden to.

  7. 7.

    Pogonip

    Have you tried earplugs?

    A muzzle when you can’t take it anymore, for an hour or so of quiet? Maybe after a few muzzlings he’ll get the hint.

    And if you can figure out what he’s barking at, you can confine him in an area where he can’t see, hear, or smell whatever sets him off.

  8. 8.

    Mobil RoonieRoo

    Do not get a bark collar. That is what lazy dog owners do. Train don’t complain! Honestly there are many, many positive methods to deal with barking if you do a minimum amount of research. Getting a bark collar is just lazy and not going to accomplish what you want.

  9. 9.

    SFAW

    John –
    This may be a little cruel, and probably extreme, but:

    Have him watch the next Republican debate, with no walkies until it’s over. (Don’t forget to DVR it.) After about 15 minutes, he’ll be whimpering for you to stop the torture. Then the next time he acts up, you can remind him, a la “Do I need to have you watch that again?”

    Of course, the ASPCA might be less-than-thrilled to hear of such treatment.

    ETA: The “no walkies” is not about torturing him with an over-full bladder; it was just to make sure that he can’t escape from watching.

  11. 11.

    PhoenixRising

    Citronella bark collar might make a dent. But probably not. You’re gonna need a remote control unit. Sorry.

    Source: I let my 10yo daughter pick a little floofy dog 5.5 years ago and have repented at leisure. Never had a dog that barked as much as this one did. Does. The damn collar brought it down to a level one step above Take to Pound.

    Sorry.

  12. 12.

    Ridnik Chrome

    @John Cole: OT, looking at your Twitter feed, you’re right that Joe Walsh was the only good thing about the Eagles, but his first claim to fame was being in the James Gang (“Funk 49”, “The Meadow”, “Walk Away” and others). Credit where it’s due. Agreed about Billy Joel, too…

  13. 13.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @SFAW: But what if the opposite happens and Thurston becomes a full throated Trump support..

    Haha.. okay, I get it now. Clever, very clever.

  14. 14.

    Luci

    @SFAW…. I am shocked! Shocked I tell you that a member of this lovely community could even contemplate such a cruel punishment for an innocent pup. It’s bad enough that we have to put up with the endless horribleness of this election season, much less man’s best friend. I’ve called the Humane Society on you. ;)

  15. 15.

    dp

    I wish my problem were barking.

    I have two Catahoula Leopard Dogs, one of which is small and insanely athletic. (Her brother is much larger and much less adventurous.) She recently learned that she can simply jump onto the kitchen counters. But that’s nothing.

    She discovered yesterday that she can scale a 5-foot chain link fence. I would not have believed it had I not witnessed it.

    I am now pricing 6-foot wrought iron pickets, with no horizontal pieces for her to gain footing on (and concrete footings so she can’t dig under it).

    I love her to death, but she is too smart and too crafty for her own good! Her brother is much more calm.

  16. 16.

    PhoenixRising

    @Mobil RoonieRoo: hahahahahahahahaha you’re killing me. Do you have any evidence based method you can describe to interrupt a habit barker under 25lbs?

    I suspect the answer is No, because if there were a way to positively train an animal with a brain the size of a walnut to * not do * something the animal is hard wired to do, alert the pack, you’d be famous and selling it.

  18. 18.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @dp:

    She discovered yesterday that she can scale a 5-foot chain link fence. I would not have believed it had I not witnessed it.

    Now, I can actually help here. You need to take the dog over to the fence and then use a belt or whip or something to beat the holy hell out of the fence. While you are beating on it, keep yelling, “Bad fence!” Do this every day for a week or two and the dog won’t go anywhere near it.

    We learned this in dog training school.

  19. 19.

    JPL

    @dp: What I did for the digging was fold chicken wire in half and attach the top of it to the fence. The mutt can still dig underneath but it is a much longer tunnel. My fence is higher so going over has not been a problem I appreciate his ability to climb or jump in the kitchen, because it reminds me to clean and store all food products.

    also.. the dog trained me

  20. 20.

    dp

    @Just Some Fuckhead: @Just Some Fuckhead:

    I’ll try that — it sounds a lot cheaper than a 6-foot wrought iron fence around an acre back yard!

    The problem is that Catahoulas are extremely willful, to the extent that invisible fence people tell you not to waste your money because they just ignore the pain in favor of their goals.

    The upside is that they are the smartest and sweetest dogs I’ve ever owned. So they train me ….

  21. 21.

    I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet

    Does he have a reasonable food drive and pay attention to treats? If so, you’re halfway there. Come up with some word that associates quiet with getting a treat and slowly increase the amount of time before he gets the reward.

    At least that’s the way it’s supposed to work…

    Good luck.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  24. 24.

    Mike J

    Dammit. Just missed the Merv Griffin show on one of those secondary broadcast channels. Wish I had caught it. In honor of MLK day, it was the ep with MLK on.

    Due to repeat here after the Judy Garland Show and the Perry Como Show. (Get TV, 325 Seattle cable, 10PM).

  25. 25.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @JPL: I never did get Max to stop digging. I think at the digging and barking level, dogs are just mindless automatons doing what they are programmed to do and no training can penetrate this deep into their psyche.

  26. 26.

    ArchTeryx

    You could get what my mother and I refered to as the bark-o-meter. It’s NOT a bark-collar, but something disguised as a birdhouse that emits an unpleasant ultrasonic noise when barked at. You can set the sensitivity of it and the intensity of the noise emitted. My mother used it with her two dogs, a Yorkie and a mixed breed terrier/poodle. The mixed breed instantly figured it out and stopped barking, but the purebred Yorkie declared war on it and would bark herself sick, so she had to quit using it with the latter dog.

    It’s more humane then a bark collar, more controllable, and still very effective with (some) dogs.

  28. 28.

    dp

    @JPL: Yeah, see my response at 20 about being trained. Under isn’t a problem anymore, we’ve solved that; over is a whole new ballgame and something I was simply unprepared for (she’s about 18 mos. old).

  29. 29.

    Gvg

    I think you are supposed to crate him for 15 minutes or so every time he does it. Ignore, not attention reward for bad behavior. Probably a dog class or even hire a trainer. Depends on what’s available round you.

  31. 31.

    gogol's wife

    I guess no one on BJ is watching War and Peace on the History channel. It’s really quite good — but with unbearable commercials. It’s disconcerting to go from the Battle of Austerlitz to V***ra.

  32. 32.

    Lymie

    Super soaker with a bit of vinegar. A clear command that means stfu, and ReWArD when quiet (voice and treats). Also, distract when you know a bark producer is near and treats!

    Like a baby, distract rather than engage and confront ..

    Obedience class is also a 100% winner if the instructor is any good.

    Really, I know what I am talking about :-)

  33. 33.

    SFAW

    @JPL:

    How does that help with the barking? I actually think it could encourage bad behavior

    I’m operating from the assumption that Thurston, although behaving badly at times, is still rational, and generally a “good little doggie.” If someone rational were forced to watch the Rethug debate for long enough, they would do pretty-much-anything not to go through it again. So, if Thurston starts barking, and John tells him to stop “or else!”, he’ll (in theory) calm right down.

    The “bad behaviour” would come from your run-of-the-mill Fox watcher, Rethug supporter, and so forth – not from a pup like Thurston.

  35. 35.

    SFAW

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    But what if the opposite happens and Thurston becomes a full throated Trump support.

    I hadn’t thought of that. But, I also give Thurston credit for having a higher IQ than most Trump supporters.

  37. 37.

    Blue Loon

    I used the Sports Dog No Bark Electronic collar for a few months with my sweet rescue hound whose barking was driving my family nuts. I like this brand because you can adjust the collar for the temperment and needs of your dog. You can dial the correction level up or down. And you can program it to let the dog bark for a brief amount of time (like if someone comes to your door) and then “correct” him if he continues to bark.

    I had tried lots of other “more humane” stuff and it didn’t work. I think the electronic collar worked because my pooch got the correction right when he started barking and made the connection.

    At any rate, after a few months, the barking was greatly reduced. I took the collar off and haven’t used it since. And that was a couple of years ago.

  39. 39.

    Mike J

    @Ridnik Chrome:

    you’re right that Joe Walsh was the only good thing about the Eagles

    I lived two blocks over from him in Memphis. He would play at 2 am. The idea of that sounds really cool.

  40. 40.

    gelfling545

    Vetscriptions PetStop. It’s harmless but stopped some unfortunate behaviors in my puppy almost instantly. It’s mainly air with lavendar & chamomile. I don’t know why it works so fast. Maybe witchcraft or something.

  43. 43.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    Pup training; which is actually pup owner training. Not using Cesar Milan methods. ::Ducks and runs::

  47. 47.

    charluckles

    I know a few dog fanatics who I consider to be ethical and well thought and they use and recommend a shock collar or bark collar for a number of reasons. Keep the setting low and don’t overuse it

  48. 48.

    Luigidaman

    I’ve had many dogs in my life. One of my later ones, a sweet black and tan coonhound named Pemberton barks her ads off daily. We did use a bark collar for a few years and it did buy us some time to get her to slow down. Now that she’s almost seven, she still barks more than my other dogs, but it is way more tolerable than it used to be.

    Also, you could try spraying water. Just a little spray bottle with a quick stream usually keeps them quiet. Of course, what do I know? I’m just an old Cleveland sports fan. And you know what that means.

  49. 49.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Luigidaman:

    I’m just an old Cleveland sports fan. And you know what that means.

    As long as the thing with your gimp-masked sex slave is consensual, who are we to judge?

  52. 52.

    benw

    Hi John, have you done any puppy obedience school? If not, first spend a couple of months doing that. Seriously, just the basics: walking on leash, sit, responding to commands, etc, are all very helpful. It really worked for my puppy, who was a puppy about 9 years ago.

    Second, you don’t have only one wit, you have your wits. So the correct punctuation is “at my wits’ end”. This has been your daily pedant update. Thank you, and God bless.

  54. 54.

    Punchy

    Get yerself a greyhound or 2. No barking whatsoever. A terrible, horrible watchdog, natch. But quiet as they come.

  60. 60.

    E

    As someone who literally sold his house and moved away in order to get away from a loud, compulsive barker next door, all I can say is, please, please solve this problem. When you are not home your dog is probably barking non-stop, and your neighbors are likely suicidal/homicidal/both.

  61. 61.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @benw: He has been shitting all over the recently deceased Glenn Frey. He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt.

  63. 63.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    What he deserves, I cannot speak of on this family forum. But it involves the snakes off of eemom’s head and a half dozen biker midgets with an anal fixation.

  65. 65.

    seaboogie

    John,

    If you have a hope of training Thurston to quit barking without mechanical assistance, you are going to have to apply yourself and be relentlessly consistent – as in NO exceptions, no backsliding because you are tired, or fed up or whatever.

    Figure out what Thurston’s rewards are; treats, play-time with John, belly-rubs, and maybe a combination of positive reinforcements, and be ready to follow through.

    I found that my dog (and even my cat – she of the notoriously DGAF feline nature) responded with immediate attention whenever I did a stern “heh-hem” throat clearing sound. Then, if I were you, I’d use both a gesture and simple words (that become interchangeable over time), such as a finger in front of your lips and a head shake (or use your Mom’s referred to OJ – but make sure it is something you are willing to do in public), and then “Thurston (so he knows you’re addressing him), NO speak”. If he shuts up for even a few seconds, go all “Good Boy Thurston, GOOD no speak, GOOD BOY!” and love all over him, or whatever he likes best. And when he starts barking again a minute or two later, do the heh-hem thing again, followed by the rest. Since barking is an “excited” behavior, I suggest you keep the follow-through really mellow and rewarding.

    It will takes weeks – at least – and maybe longer to make real progress, but the payoff is worth it.

  67. 67.

    trollhattan

    @dp:
    My sympathies. Few months after we adopted our current Dalmatian (petite compared to our previous big boy) she and I were in the backyard and from a dead stop she propelled herself upward to get a look over our fence, which is nearly seven feet. Luckily, reeeeally luckily, she wasn’t motivated to escape otherwise I don’t know that we’d have been able to prevent it. Was quite the treeclimber for awhile, too.

    Now she’s old and intermittently incontinent and I miss the former pup in her, but she’s still good for catching the occasional rat..

  69. 69.

    Joyce H

    I’m adding my vote for the dog obedience class. They don’t just cover the basics (if it’s a good class), but also ask you what issues you’re having with your dog that you want worked on. My Jazzy was quite a noisy attention diva, couldn’t stand it when some other dog in the class was getting the attention, but we addressed that in the class and now a stern ‘SHHH’ gets her to settle down.

  72. 72.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    OT, Trump is pledging a big surprise tomorrow

    Liam Donovan ‏@ LPDonovan 1h1 hour ago
    Something perfect about the Palin-Trump story being broken by enterprising freepers stalking flightaware

  73. 73.

    Morat20

    We use the squirt bottle on our beagle. It’s about the only thing that’ll get his attention if he fixates (barking, following a scent, deciding to attack a blanket). It does NOTHING for outside barking though.

    He’s an inside dog, so he’s generally only in the back yard to attend to business. Whenever he and the four neighbor dogs start filibustering, we yank him inside. I feel bad — he wants to play — but all four of the other dogs are just as loud and nobody stops. It’s not fair to anyone who lives around!

    We just have to yank the squirt bottle out and he instantly decides he has better things to do than…well, whatever he’s currently doing.

    Have to be fairly consistent though.

  74. 74.

    trollhattan

    @Morat20:
    Our first dog was mortified by the squirt bottle, to the point we only had to show it to get him to stop whatever he was doing. Current dog: “Wha, raining inside? Cool…squirrel!”

    Nuttin’

    Now, a thunderstorm or the garbage truck invoke utter terror. Don’t have a garbage truck at my disposal [heh], unfortunately.

  77. 77.

    Arclite

    @corgiguy: @corgiguy:

    A squirt from a water bottle and a stern “No!” works with my dog. The stream from the bottle reaches about 8-10 feet. You can buy spray bottles at many stores.

    My mother, a dog trainer for many decades, told me the spray bottle must be done in secret so as to seem to come from “God.” Otherwise the behavior will continue when they think you’re not looking.

  79. 79.

    ruemara

    @PhoenixRising: Does a very calm, quiet JRT count as proof? Because that’s what we have. And he’s relatively bark free except for a few minimal ones for the mail and the gardener. Positive methods work without bark collars, shock collars or water sprays.

  80. 80.

    slag

    @seaboogie:

    I found that my dog (and even my cat – she of the notoriously DGAF feline nature) responded with immediate attention whenever I did a stern “heh-hem” throat clearing sound.

    I did this with my cat using a chair as a scratching post. Worked really well. Now all I have to do is look at her sternly when she gets up there and she stops in her tracks.

    Really, if you strongly attach your pet to you through regular positive interactions, the communication pathways become much clearer and require far less effort from you in the long run. It’s like they’re watching your every move in hopes of getting a reward.

    Of course, I do wonder if the self-discipline required for success with this method is beyond John’s interest level. He’d have to stop overfeeding his pets, for starters.

  81. 81.

    Gretchen

    @Punchy: my daughter has a greyhound who never barks. It’s weird. What’s the point of a watchdog who never, ever barks? Mine barks a bit too much, but never?

  82. 82.

    Anne Laurie

    Prozac. Not for Thurston — for you.

    He’s got toy-dog genes, and they were specifically bred to be biological personal alarms; barking is what they’re for. And he’s a teenager, which means what little impulse control he might once have had/will have after his second birthday has disappeared.

    Positive reinforcement training will help, if you can stay motivated long enough. Tons of exercise, really tiring the little bastid out, will help… if you don’t want to buy or build an automatic ball-throwing box , aka flyball box, enlist some of the frat boys to take Thurston out for exercise every day.

    Some people say that teaching a dog to bark on command will cause them to stop yapping at random.

    We actually had our first dog debarked, thirty years ago — as the last step before rehoming him. I’m not sure we’d do that again, knowing what we know now, although Galley never minded that he could no longer ‘speak’ above a whisper. But if you haven’t talked to your vet about Thurston’s barking already, you really should.

  83. 83.

    Anne Laurie

    @Gretchen:

    my daughter has a greyhound who never barks. It’s weird. What’s the point of a watchdog who never, ever barks?

    Greyhounds aren’t watchdogs. They’re bred to run, and barking wastes energy; to achieve top speed and efficiency, a runner should literally be saving his breath for the long muscles in his legs & back, not wasting bursts of air on making noise.

  85. 85.

    Gindy51

    @gogol’s wife: Waiting for the DVD, I never watch anything with commercials no matter how good it is. Cannot stand it. We tried with recorded Hannibal episodes and even the fast forwarding was enough to ruin the story line.

  86. 86.

    Gindy51

    @Arclite: We don’t even need to squirt any more. Just put the bottle on the table and instant quiet. We can walk away and not one of them makes a peep.

  87. 87.

    gogol's wife

    @Gindy51:

    Yeah, I’m going to have to get the DVD of this. I really like it, and I’m a purist! Some of the dialogue that he’s invented is hokey, but certain scenes (like Andrei walking in when Nikolai is bragging about the Battle of Schon Grabern) are spot on! But the commercials really break the mood.

  88. 88.

    TriassicSands

    I’d think that dog obedience school is your best bet. That would result in permanent behavioral change and wouldn’t require you to be constantly disciplining him with a squirt bottle or some other action. If ever there was a dog that needs obedience training, Thurston is it. From your description of all his misbehavior, I’d think Thurston would probably need to go for the full PhD. It may take years and pauperize you, but in the end you’d have a quiet dog.

    Perhaps you could adapt the Ludovico technique from “Clockwork Orange.” Every time Thurston starts to bark, the custom headphones he’s wearing will begin to deliver Beethoven symphonies to his canine brain.

  89. 89.

    Satby

    @charluckles: I’m one of them. If you use it as a training aid and monitor the dog’s neck and behavior it can help get the idea across when nothing else does. I had a rescue hound that started the whole pack off with his almost incessant barking, I used the collar to reinforce my training when nothing else seemed to work, and that did. He only wore it a couple of months and really never needed it again, because he had learned the “quiet” command.

  90. 90.

    Paul in KY

    When he barks, say ‘No’ and swat him. After awhile, he should figure it out. This is only for situations when you think he should not bark.

  91. 91.

    Paul in KY

    @dp: You just have to get her to know she can’t do that. Must try that before you spend all that money on a super-fence.

  92. 92.

    Jeannet

    Late to the thread but here’s my advice….

    My guess is that a lot of Thurston’s irritating behaviors come from boredom: he is at the age that if he were a free living dog, he would be exploring the wide world and becoming independent, taking care of canine business of scrounging meals, cruising with his buddies and defending territory. In lieu of being a street dog, I think he needs to have more to keep his brain busy, and he needs some jobs to do.

    I heartily endorse those who recommend a positive reinforcement training routine, which you could work on with a good instruction book or video, or a private trainer coming to your home.

    Once basic manners are nailed down, nosework games are also great for indoor training. Bright little dogs usually love to learn to do tricks, including learning to bark and quiet on cue. But any training depends on a human to do daily practice with the dog. Two 10 minute basic training sessions daily can make a huge difference.

    And another great boredom buster is to feed Thurston his meals with puzzle feeding toys, so he has to work for a half hour or more to get each little nugget of his kibble, feeding him twice a day after he does some sits and downs and other trained behaviors for you. Keep a portion of his food out to use as rewards throughout the day, for any good behavior you see that you like. NO FREE FEEDING: make him work for every bite.

    He should get a couple of intense play sessions with you a day – 10 minutes or more of chasing toys or tugging with you. And on top if the training and play, if he also gets a mile or more walk a day, he will have much less reason to be destructive or to bark incessantly.

  96. 96.

    Poptaracus

    Have his barker removed, better pets thru surgery
    I know your horrified
    But you cut his balls off, didn’t you

  97. 97.

    Shana

    @Mike J: It’s Trump writ large. Thank you for that. Love Robyn Hitchcock. Named our older daughter Elaine after “Freeze.” “There’s a justice in this world and I know just what it’s called. It’s called Elaine.” Now she’s a 3rd year law student.

  99. 99.

    Daffodil's Mom

    @Punchy: Jax Greyhound, erm, learned so well from Daffodil Chow that he not only out-barked her (!) when anyone came to the door, but actually growled, snarled and utterly belied his totally-gentle nature. It was just “What You Do When People Come To The Door”, so he did it *most* enthusiastically.

    No suggestions here — after that combo, the dogs we have now just don’t bother us that much when they bark.

  100. 100.

    Pogonip

    @Baud: We once tried that with our dog. She became very upset, running in circles–and barking twice as fast as before. Maybe someone accidentally said something shocking.

    Baud/Jane 2016. Because It’s A Jungle Out There.

  101. 101.

    Peri

    I think you could try the bark collar for a few days, you’ll find out right away if there’s any improvement. the first time I used one was on a chi-Italian greyhound hyper barker, and the collar worked great, within 2 days all i had to do was get the collar out and show it to her and she shut up, i didn’t even have to put it on her. On the other hand, I currently have a pit who barks at my tenants, at first the collar helped, then she just starting ignoring the collar and kept barking. Fail. now only recourse is treats and/or water bottle.

  102. 102.

    eclare

    Tried a bark collar, several hundred bucks flushed down the toilet. $2 water squirt bottle? Pure gold. Are you trying to control outside or inside barks or both?

  103. 103.

    E

    @Paul in KY: As much as I wanted to kill that dog just to have a little peace, it was undeniable that the owners were the ones who needed to be dispatched. They kept their dog chained in a back yard full of trash with a large tub of water and a huge tub of food. In the several years it was there I never once, not even one single time, ever heard them talk to it, and they certainly never walked it or took it off its chain. So, it was kind of hard to blame the dog.

    P.S. this was in a very harsh desert environment.

  104. 104.

    Marvel

    Rather than try to convince him to NOT do something, you might try to convince him to just do something else instead. Dogs like to do well and to please. I taught my dog to SIT instead of bark. SIT was a command she knew and performed very well, so when she’d bark, I’d tell her to SIT and that’s what she’d do (and she’d be so busy “doing” it, she stopped barking). Seven years along and it still works.

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