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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Today In Unsolicited E-Mails

Today In Unsolicited E-Mails

by | 77 Comments

This post is in: 

I get mail.  This one came today, unsought, unanticipated, and unctuous, from some placement/staffing guy who clearly understands the extensive personnel needs of a writing teacher and sometime scribe:

I am representing the below talented professionals passively seeking their next permanent position.

“Passively seeking…”

A Maid Asleep *oil on canvas *87.6 x 76.5 cm *signed c.l.: I·VMeer·

I’m so using that one as soon and as often as I can.  “I’m passively seeking my Nobel Prize in procrastination…”

(Actually, it made me think of Zombie Eyed Granny Starver Paul Ryan’s non-candidacy for president this year, but that’s another story.)

Consider this a safe-zone thread, open to any and all commentary about anything other than Bernie Sanders’ campaign, character, prospects or destination.  Hell, save the Hillary and Drumpf talk too.  This one’s for the more comfy* absurdities that attend us every day.

*My fingers sped past my brain in my first attempt at that word:  confit.  Almost left it that way — I like the idea of confit absurdities.

Image:  Johannes Vermeer, A Maid Asleep,  c. 1656-1657

Reader Interactions

77Comments

  2. 2.

    eclare

    Ugh, TN signed on to the Great Bathroom Freakout of 2016 lawsuit. Just called my state rep and state senator. Governor is next.

    ETA: state rep answered phone “hello?”

  3. 3.

    Eric U.

    I like the “below talented” part too. Is there a hyphen missing? “Below-talented”?

    That wouldn’t fix it, but that’s how I read it.

    @Major Major Major Major: congratulations. My job search is strictly passive, maybe I should increase the intensity a bit

  6. 6.

    Alex.S

    In the spirit of open threadness….

    Is anyone playing Overwatch?

    Should I, an enjoyer of TF2, purchase Overwatch and play it?

  7. 7.

    MomSense

    Going to a dinner party tonight hosted by a fantastic couple. She is a gourmet and French so it should be delightful. I’m just bringing wine so a real night off for me.

    Here is some party music by the late great Magic Sam (covering a King).

  8. 8.

    NotMax

    Question to ponder:

    Do American goods sold in Japan come with instructions written in mangled Japanese?

  9. 9.

    realbtl

    Got back an hour ago from 4 days in Yellowstone NP. All I have to say is Baby Bison Rock!

  10. 10.

    Randy P

    I love duck but it was only a few years ago at Thanksgiving that I attempted to cook one myself. It’s now a Thanksgiving tradition that I make this attempt every year. I would describe as “confit absurdities” the more-or-less confit I attempted two years ago.

    The family professes that it’s edible but I find it only just barely so. I’m trying to recreate the tender moist stuff that I get in the restaurants. What I get tends to be dry and tough and what seems to be only half as much meat as there ought to be.

    Last year’s was a little more edible: pan-fried breast, finished in the oven. It prompted my daughter to buy me an iron skillet for Christmas, so I’ll be trying the duck in that this Turkey Day.

  14. 14.

    Iowa Old Lady

    @Eric U.: It wasn’t I read your comment that I realized I’d misread the email. I “below talented” was just crappy writing for weak applicants. I could make no sense of it.

  15. 15.

    Amir Khalid

    @Eric U.:

    I am representing the below talented professionals passively seeking their next permanent position.

    This construction is starting to be a thing in formal business English. As I understand, “the below talented professionals” is intended to mean “the talented professionals listed below”, and be followed by a list of names. Of course, upon first reading I took it to mean “these less-than-talented professionals”. I guess “passively seeking” is a euphemism for “I’m asking around on their behalf”.

  16. 16.

    Trollhattan

    @NotMax:
    Not now to be silly, we all know every Japanese reads and speaks Perfect English.

    Am so very sick of elections and especially electioneering that I am ready for football season. Why in the name of all that is holy are they still playing hockey? Speaking of football, the next great scandal is unfolding at the Seattle practice facility. Because no tri-corner hats have been spotted, I’m leaving out the usual suspects.

  17. 17.

    singfoom

    @Alex.S: I played in the beta. I enjoyed it. If you’re a TF2 person you should enjoy it. Lots more varied characters. I don’t intend on purchasing it but that’s because my friends with whom I game have an aversion to FPSes and I’ve got other games on the horizon.

  18. 18.

    Baud

    open to any and all commentary about anything other than Bernie Sanders’ campaign, character, prospects or destination. Hell, save the Hillary and Drumpf talk too. T

    Yay! More room for Baud! talk.

  20. 20.

    singfoom

    @NotMax: “Easily though it to the floor. Coalesce the ball after destruction.”

    I had that up on a corkboard for years. It was a plastic ball I got in a dispenser that broke apart when you threw it and then you could put it back together. The mangled instructions were better than the toy itself. I’m easily amused.

  21. 21.

    dmsilev

    @MattF: I remember once seeing a collection of …less than positive performance assessments. The one that stuck in my head was “this employee has reached rock bottom, and shows signs of starting to dig.”

  24. 24.

    Randy P

    @Amir Khalid:

    I guess “passively seeking” is a euphemism for “I’m asking around on their behalf”.

    That’s how I read it. As job-seeking for people who aren’t doing any job-seeking themselves.

    Which raises all sorts of speculation as to why. Are these students living in the writer’s attic six months after graduation and he/she wants to get rid of them? Are these co-workers of the writer who he/she wishes worked elsewhere?

  25. 25.

    Miss Bianca

    @Major Major Major Major: rooting for you!

    Just submitted a writing and graphics sample for my dream job. Now, of course, I’m second-guessing myself – “I shouldn’t have submitted that author profile and the event poster! I should have gone for something safe and straightforward like a grant cover letter!”

    I hope I don’t make myself a nervous wreck before next Friday. Maybe I need guidance in seeking more passively for professional opportunities for my below-talented self.

  26. 26.

    Mnemosyne

    I realized that the Giant Evil Corporation will reimburse me for my membership in Romance Writers of America, so I jumped on that. Next step, steel myself to go to the next meeting of the local RWA chapter even though it means I’ll have to talk to strangers.

    (The salaries at the GEC could be better, but it’s hard to match the bennies.)

  27. 27.

    Botsplainer, Cryptofascist Tool of the Oppressor Class

    I got one of my favorite calls today – somebody pretending to be something they aren’t in order to sell me an Internet service.

    I do genuinely love them – I get to take out every living frustration on some dumbass cold caller who told a lie to get past the receptionist. Usually, when I mention the lie they told, they try and parse their statement and qualify it by saying “I asked your receptionist if you wanted a new client”.

    This one pretended to be from my SEO provider, Findlaw. She insisted that we had talked a few months ago and that I wanted her to call and she works with a lot of attorneys and knows she can make my phone ring and ring and ring with good paying new clients

    As always, my line was “provide me three months free to prove how great you are, and then talk about me buying it”. She wasn’t real eager to do that. They never are.

    Sometimes I ask them if their 15 year old former selves would be proud of their career path, when I’m in a real funk.

  31. 31.

    JanieM

    @MattF: @Amir Khalid: @Miss Bianca:

    Great achievement — you all have me LMAO at a construction that drives me crazy on an almost daily basis. My workmates have recently progressed from turning an adverb into adjective (“the below list,” “the below talented professionals”) to turning it into a noun: “I have just sent the below.” (Followed by a list.)

    I can’t *stand* this usage!

    On the other hand, my sister thinks it’s fine and uses it all the time but goes bonkers over the use of “invite” for “invitation,” which actually seems kind of cheeky and doesn’t bother me at all.

    Different strokes, I guess.

  33. 33.

    Felonius Monk

    @efgoldman:

    Usually they hide in the dryer vent, or worse, in the washer outlet

    I am currently the director of what I believe is the world’s largest Sock Orphanage.

  34. 34.

    gene108

    I got new windows installed today. They are better than the old aluminum builder grade windows that came with my 25+ year old condo (a couple of the windows stopped closing all the way…gah…I got sick of those windows, especially in winter).

    I was hoping (I don’t know why) that when they put in the window they would not cover up the holes that are there to hang the supports for my blinds. But most seem to be caulked over.

    Waiting for the caulk to dry out and start hanging my blinds tonight.

    I’m flying out to visit my mom tomorrow morning, so I have to get this done tonight.

    My life is so exciting ;-)

  43. 43.

    indycat32

    Big story on the local news is the local liquor stores/bars/restaurants stocking up on record breaking amounts of beer for the big race* this Sunday.

    *100th running of the Indy 500.

  44. 44.

    Origuy

    passively seeking their next permanent position

    My translation: They are people who have a job, want to change, but don’t want to spend the time or risk their current position by actively seeking something else. The unfortunate thing is that, at least in the tech industry, no one wants to talk to you if you aren’t already employed. They’d rather
    raid from a competitor that take a risk on somebody who really need a job.

  45. 45.

    Trollhattan

    This sounds like a Big Biden Deal (via LGM).

    In a case with major implications for mandatory arbitration agreements, the seventh circuit today struck down an arbitration clause that prohibited employees from pursuing class proceedings. The appeals court, in an opinion by Chief Judge Wood, held that by banning collective actions, such an agreement violates the National Labor Relations Act. The decision, Lewis v. Epic Systems Corp., conflicts with the Fifth Circuit’s holding in D.R. Horton and thus creates a circuit split.

    As the seventh circuit correctly observes, Section 7 of the NLRA protects not only collective bargaining but also “other concerted activities.” These “other concerted activities,” moreover, have for decades been held to include “resort to administrative and judicial forums.” Thus, courts and the NLRB have long concluded that filing collective or class action legal proceedings constitutes protected “concerted activity” under the NLRA. By prohibiting workers from pursuing class proceedings, a mandatory arbitration clause with a class action waiver therefore requires workers to waive their section 7 rights, something no employment agreement can do.

  50. 50.

    Schlemazel Khan

    @Major Major Major Major:
    So the fridge is in alliance with the dryer, The dry eats them & the fridge hides the remains

    hope the job thing is the best one ever for you. I got pissed on pretty hard today by my boss who didn’t know I was listening in to the con call

  52. 52.

    CaseyL

    Congrats to Major-to-the-4th on finding the sock! (and the other stuff, too…)

    The best joke I ever heard about socks that go missing in the laundry cycle was that there is a parallel universe in which people are always pulling out more socks than they started with.

  53. 53.

    lollipopguild

    I am passively seeking someone to replace the current occupant of a white house in Washington D.C. Applicant has to promise that they will not destroy the country or the planet.

  56. 56.

    lollipopguild

    @jeffreyw: I grew up with two sister cats who would sleep so intertwined with each other it looked like they were one cat.

  58. 58.

    indycat32

    @efgoldman: Have you been to Indianapolis lately? I think you may be confusing the idiotic state government with the city of Indianapolis.

  59. 59.

    Shell

    In our local news, story about traffic delays for people trying to get out of the city for , as they put it, ‘ the extended Memorial day holiday’. For fucks sake, its only Thursday. I mean, not to get all Grandpa Simpson, but….

  62. 62.

    Trollhattan

    @Shell:
    Ah, well. I’m working tomorrow but am assuming it’s going to be a perfect day for office-chair bowling and perhaps sneaking in a keg via freight elevator.

  63. 63.

    greennotGreen

    Since this is an open thread, is anyone else ticked off that comments for Charlie Pierce’s column have moved to Facebook? I hate Facebook! Years ago I somehow got a duplicate account, and I could never figure out how to delete one or merge them. Finally I just deleted my account. But since you had to be a member of Facebook to comment at Charlie’s place, I joined up again…and there was that phantom account with my name and my email and my face that I can’t access or delete. So no more Friedman of the Plains. :-(

  64. 64.

    Mike J

    Sox? The Sox are retiring Wade Boggs’ number(26) as we speak. If Jackie Bradley Jr. gets a hit tonight against Colorado, he will extend his hitting streak to 30 games, and tie Boggs’ best.

  69. 69.

    Schlemazel Khan

    @Miss Bianca:
    Yup. A program I built and then turned over to contractors was attributed to the contractor & all the wonderful work HE did

    @eclare:
    It is just the latest in insults we have been expected to endure. failures are all ours while all success is despite us.

  70. 70.

    The Golux

    @singfoom:

    “Easily though it to the floor. Coalesce the ball after destruction.”

    One of the funniest things I’ve ever read was the owners manual for our 1972 Subaru FF1-G. For example, in the helpful hints when washing the car: “If the spraying water is not enough, spots will be formed on it sometimes.”

    There were other funny bits that I’ve long forgotten. Great car, other than the flimsy sheet metal and upholstery material. (“It doesn’t even breathe hard uphill” was the sales pitch.)

  72. 72.

    StringOnASick

    @greennotGreen: are you Friedman of the Plains? If so, well, wow. You should try to contact CP directly, he obviously values you’d comments.

  76. 76.

    Ruckus

    @dmsilev:

    “this employee has reached rock bottom, and shows signs of starting to dig.”

    I once worked for that guy.

  77. 77.

    MattF

    @greennotGreen: Esquire is just irritating. They were doing the ‘popup if you try to leave the page’ trick for about a week, but seem to have given up on that. Pissed off too many people, one assumes.

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