Commenter SiubhanDuinne shares this with us:
Most of you know I love Gilbert & Sullivan.
Most of you know I do NOT love Donald Trump.
Most of you know I enjoy writing doggerel parodies.
So here you go.
*****
When I was a lad I got the key
To my father’s real estate company
I knocked on doors and collected rent
And now I am the nominee for president!
(And now he is the nominee for president!)
I hassled tenants fearlessly,
And now I am the darling of the G.O.P.
(He hassled tenants fearlessly,
And now he is the darling of the G.O.P.)I said, “I’ll strike out on my own
If my daddy will give me a tiny loan.”
A million here, a million there,
Before you know it, I’m a billionaire!
(Before you know it, he’s a billionaire!)
I took that money my daddy lent,
And now I am the nominee for president!
(He took that money his daddy lent
And now he is the nominee for president!)I wed three gorgeous foreign chicks —
(Well, Marla came from the Georgia sticks) —
“Will you marry me?” They all said “Yup,”
So I made ’em sign an airtight ironclad pre-nup
(They had to sign an airtight ironclad pre-nup.)
They signed so fast it was evident
That one day soon I’d run for U.S. president!
(They signed so fast it was evident
That one day soon he’d run for U.S. president!)I am the very best, you know,
At managing a business like a casino,
This next part might just make you sob,
But I had a little run-in with the Jersey Mob
(He had a little run-in with the Jersey Mob).
I lost my casino in bankruptcy,
And now I am a presidential nominee!
(He lost it all in bankruptcy,
And now he is a presidential nominee!)Casinos, towers, Miss Universe,
T.V. and golf, it could’ve been much worse.
“TRUMP” blazoned everywhere in shining gilt,
I’m classier than any puny Vanderbilt
(He’s classier than any puny Vanderbilt).
Forbes, Vanderbilt, or Carnegie,
And now I am a presidential nominee!
(Forbes, Vanderbilt, or Carnegie,
And now he is a presidential nominee!)Trump Steaks and Wine, they’re here for you,
Trump Magazine, and oh, Trump Water too,
Ask anyone in my family,
And don’t forget about Trump University
(And don’t forget about Trump University).
That wetback judge has so much gall,
He’s prejudiced because I’m going to build a wall
(That Mexican judge has so much gall,
He hates that Trump has said he’s going to build a wall!)The media love my every move
And I don’t have a goddam thing to prove.
A documentary by Ken Burns,
But I hope he doesn’t ask about my tax returns
(No, we hope he doesn’t ask about the tax returns!)
The rest of my life’s an open book,
And, like Nixon, I will tell you, “I am not a crook.”
(His life is like an open book,
And he swears that, just like Nixon, he is not a crook!)You surely know how much I’m worth
And I wish you’d look at President Obama’s birth.
I searched for the long-form document,
And now I am a candidate for President!
(And now he is a candidate for president!)
My hands are huge, my fingers long,
And I hope you will appreciate this humble song
(His hands are huge, his fingers long,
And we hope you are delighting in this humble song.)So all you folks — you straight white men —
Let’s make America great again!
When women really knew their place,
And Jim Crow was the answer to the Negro race
(Yes, Jim Crow was the answer to the Negro race).
When “cheerfulness” is what “gay” meant,
That’s where I’ll take you when I am your president!
(When “cheerfulness” is what “gay” meant,
That is where he’ll take us when he is our president!)
This made my day.
(Trumpbaby image shamelessly stolen from our favorite Wonkanatrix.)
Patricia Kayden
We need to hear more about this aspect of The Donald’s past.
schrodinger's cat
That’s great! Good job SD.
I haven’t come across such an incompetent nincompoop running for the President (Prime Minister) in a modern democracy. Thanks Republicans!
Cermet
UH, can the average BJ reader have the patience to read something that(!) long …hears own voice say ‘Not me.’
maryQ
I’m pretty sure that if it were revealed, right now, that Willy Horton was the love child of Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama, Donald Trump would still lose the election by double digits.
This. Is. So. Over!
SFAW
Outstanding! Let’s hope D’Oyly Carte picks it up.
MattF
Oh, no… A moment of inattention, and the word ‘Trumpnado’ jumped into my head. I’m so sorry.
Patricia Kayden
@maryQ: Although things look great for Secretary Clinton, anything could happen between now and November so it’s not quite over as yet. We can rejoice in the polls though as I don’t see Trump pivoting between now and then. His ego won’t let him.
bogart_83
Uh, help a philistine out. What’s the number being rewritten here? I think it’s supposed to be “I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major General” but I can’t make the meter work.
Nom de Plume
Most people would have taken the easy way out with “Modern Major General”, so kudos for using a somewhat lesser known song.
Pogonip
Yeah, but what about Walter?
MattF
@bogart_83: When I was a lad…
scav
@bogart_83: Here. Looks right.
JPL
Bravo!
Betty Cracker
Brava, SD!
rikyrah
TEE HEE HEE
That was terrific :)
Hilfy
Clever, clever SD…the only thing missing is “Believe me” and “Honestly, folks” in every other sentence. But that wouldn’t scan.
Where are our Morning Walter pics? Has something happened to him? Has Steve beaten him up? Has the terrible trio (L+R+Thurston) voted Walter off the Island? Or out of Doggie Heaven, aka the Cole household?
Matt McIrvin
@maryQ: Latest wingnut uproar is that Clinton or the party apparently invited the Orlando shooter’s dad (who is kind of an oddball himself) to one of her local rallies. Jim Geraghty said something about how if Trump can’t get five points out of this he’s an incompetent.
I don’t know, though… four or eight years ago I’d have automatically assumed that, however humane a gesture, this was a terrible error that would sink the campaign through the power of contagious terrorist cooties. Feels different now.
SiubhanDuinne
@Hilfy:
Well, the full title is WHEN TRUMP WAS A LAD (which normally would say “With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan,” but frankly, Donald Trump doesn’t have to apologize for anything, believe me).
Gin & Tonic
@Matt McIrvin: The campaign says this was an open event, and they didn’t know he was there until after it was over.
Of course, in wingnut universe, that proves that they not just invited him and paid for his carfare, they are now covering that up as well.
Just One More Canuck
Awesome, SD
MattF
@Matt McIrvin: Almost… like a provocation. Hmm. Go on, Donald, say something bigoted.
dmsilev
@bogart_83: Pinafore, not Penzance.
catclub
@bogart_83: The one that ends ‘and now He is the ruler of the queen’s navy!” so an admiral, probably standing on the HMS Pinafore. Song Title? I don’t know. It is a self introduction.
Calouste
Footage has emerged of an attempt by Trump to brief himself on foreign policy.
catclub
@Nom de Plume: There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium….
Miss Bianca
@Cermet:
I couldn’t manage it last night, but joy comes in the morning.
Immanentize
@SiubhanDuinne: Siubhan, you rock the musical! Thank you.
Imm
Anoniminous
Brava!
Feebog
Read it in the original post last night. Absolutely brilliant SD. The diversity and intelligence of this community is what keeps me coming back.
dmsilev
And, of course, Trump is compiling a little list of those who he has offended. Too bad that they vote.
Nashville_fan
That is insanely good . . . here’s hoping the commenter is using their talents to the fullest . . . this looks like the makings of the next great Broadway musical to me!
dedc79
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Roger Stone:
Since it’s Stone, it’s pretty safe to assume he’s full of it. But who woulda thought we’d see republican campaign operatives boasting of being buddies with Assange.
Bill E Pilgrim
I wonder why no one writes catteral.
Probably because the form imposes the structure “two lines of four trochaic feet followed by a nap” after which they forget the whole thing.
Edit: BTW excellent, SD.
GregB
When will Assange release his emails yo snd from Roger Ailes and Bill Cosby?
SiubhanDuinne
@dmsilev:
Speaking of “the little list,” a friend just saw a production of The Mikado which included:
low-tech cyclist
Good news for Hillary, buried deep in the crosstabs to Monmouth University’s latest poll:
14. Are you tired of hearing about Clinton’s emails or do you think this is something the media should continue to cover?
Tired of hearing: 63%
Should continue to cover: 34%
Don’t know: 3%
Hillary should answer any further questions about her emails with “it’s been investigated, there was no ‘there’ there, and I consider the matter closed.” If a questioner is persistent, she should add, “I’ll take further questions about this the day after my opponent releases his tax returns.”
Kathleen
Outstanding parody Ms. SD!
Matt McIrvin
I saw a YouTube video a while back of somebody performing a *different* Trump-themed parody of “When I Was A Lad.” This one hits harder, though.
Villago Delenda Est
Brilliant!
OT, sort of: The idiots at Tucker Carlson’s dumpster fire of a web site think that they might be able to negotiate a surrender to Hillary.
Ha ha ha.
No. What needs to happen to the GOP is what happened to the NSDAP and the CPSU. Total annihilation. No prisoners.
Gelfling 545
@bogart_83: It’s the First Lord’s song.
bluefish
“The wetback judge had so much gall … ” LOL! Love it.
Bill E Pilgrim
@Villago Delenda Est: First rule of politics, when your opponents are drowning, throw the bastards an anvil.
dmsilev
@Villago Delenda Est: We can so dearly hope that the emissary trying to negotiate surrender terms is Mitch McConnell so that Hillary can reply with “Senator? You can have my answer now, if you like. My final offer is this: nothing. Not even the fee for the gaming license, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally.”.
Jeffro
@schrodinger’s cat: Dawned on me today…Clinton is basically running against the love child of Alex Jones and Alex Jones.
Jeffro
@Villago Delenda Est:
That’s almost word-for-word what I emailed my RW dad and brother today…told ’em I’d support HRC giving the GOP a SCOTUS pick if they could tell me with a straight face that, positions reversed, the GOP would be okay with doing the same. Heck to the N-O.
The GOP should consider itself lucky that Clinton will be focused on good governance and moving the country forward. ‘Cause if anyone ever had an enemies’ list and motive for some serious payback…
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@SiubhanDuinne: My introduction to G&S was a performance of Mikado with the Watergate boys on the list….
gogol's wife
@low-tech cyclist:
From your lips to God’s ear.
Dadadadadadada
@Villago Delenda Est: Yeah, what leverage do they think they have? It’s clear to me and everyone else that they have nothing to offer her in exchange for mercy, but they must think they have something, so what is it?
gogol's wife
Great parody, SD. I have a friend who when a child had to bring his family’s rent check every month to a snotty adolescent named Donald J. Trump. I’m sure he’d appreciate this.
Bill E Pilgrim
@Jeffro:
Huh. People often said that that guy dated himself but I thought they meant by being stuck on decades-old utterly debunked conspiracy theories, I didn’t realize they meant literally.
Mary G
Feckin’ genius, SD! I’m so going to have that as an earworm all day and giggling at inappropriate times.
Epicurus
And he never, ever uses a big “D.” Well, hardly ever.
Mike E
Clash of the WATBs: shomi vs srv…WHO WILL WIN? (undercard = liberal vs goblue)
Bill E Pilgrim
@Dadadadadadada: This is a whole thing now, not only from Wingnuts but the usual concern troll Centrists, like this one, responded to a day or two later by Krugman in that no I’m not really talking about my colleague okay well actually I am. Way.
I think the only leverage they think they have is the media’s propensity (see Friedman) to let them frame things as if her rewarding the total failure of their ideology by adopting some of it actually made any sense.
eric
@Jeffro: she can give them her ninth pick.
germy
SiubhanDuinne
@Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism:
The “little list” song just begs for topical, localized rewrites.
Jeffro
@eric: That’s excellent!
Obama’s had Kagan and Sotomayor (and should have Garland…clock’s ticking, GOP!)
Counting heads, it seems to me that Clinton will have 3 nominations to make, possibly 4 if McConnell doesn’t blink.
Mike J
@germy: So Pierce actually is as dumb as I always thought he was. Yet another writer people on the left are supposed to like because he’s ever so angry and dumb as a box of hair.
FlipYrWhig
@Mike J: I don’t think he’s dumb, he just gets a contact high from being pissed off, which leads him to seek out ever more ways of being pissed off, for the buzz.
germy
@Jeffro:
It’s as if Alex Jones and Alex Jones and Alex Jones had a three-way.
Peale
@Bill E Pilgrim: Yeah. I’m not certain what they could offer. Their filing skills? Maybe they could make copies in the back office somewhere. I mean, I really can’t see them doing anything useful for a campaign. Even Donald’s campaign. They could offer her access to hooge donors, but honestly, their hooge donors aren’t a threat this time around. They aren’t opening their coffers for Trump, so it isn’t really that important that she keeps them occupied.
gvg
there was an earlier series of posts about 50 ways to lose your campaign that I liked. Can we get that one all in one place?
Calouste
@Mike J: Yeah, I read about that yesterday, and I was wondering if there was any reason why Clinton would seek an endorsement from Kissinger, or why Kissinger would give one. You can say a lot about Kissinger, and none of it nice, but not that he is stupid.
Mike J
eric
@Calouste: the politico report is that reportedly she may have sent out preliminary feelers to a whole bunch of elder statespeople, possibly including Rice and Kissinger. no confirmation from anyone
Miss Bianca
@SiubhanDuinne:
Your next assignment, SD…
My late father, while not what you’d call a big music fan, had a marked weakness for G & S. He was a classic country-club Republican, and I think he would have been beyond appalled by Donald Trump. All that to say, I think he would have approved your parodic efforts.
SFAW
@catclub:
My thoughts exactly.
Or they would be, had I gone to Hahvahd.
The Pale Scot
Over at LGM Eric mentioned this Sesame Street piece from 2005, but he didn’t post the vid.
Sesame Street – Grouch Apprentice with Donald Grump
It’s eerily prescient
Warning, the SS vids on the right hand playlist will suck you in,
“C is cookie, and that’s alright with me C is for cookies……
eric
@The Pale Scot: Roosevelt Franklin, yeah, yeah, yeah…
catclub
@FlipYrWhig:
Aug 9, 2016
Politics With Charles P. Pierce
Aug 9, 2016
Aug 8, 2016
Aug 8, 2016
1 out of six is terrible. the rest are fine. baby/bathwater
catclub
@Peale: Yeah, “we give up our bad reputation for nominating Trump, and you give us everything we (always) want in policy, plus an SC justice.”
The Pale Scot
@eric: The Best Songs of Roosevelt Franklin
bemused
I just heard part of Trump’s economic sham plan on MPR and assume it was his speech in Detroit. I couldn’t listen for long. It was giving me a headache. Lots of applause for a guy who can’t explain how the same old Republican economic BS will deliver ponies to the “workers’. Getting rid of the “death” tax will help American “workers”, you betcha. He wants to get rid of “overreaching executive orders” but I doubt he includes himself.
Lots of applause. I’m wondering if his audience was made up of billionaires or were there any supporters there making less than $60,000.
Hal
@shomi:
If it’s anything like 2012, I’m not worried.
Feathers
@Mike J: @FlipYrWhig: Well, Kissinger really is that bad. I don’t blame anybody for anything bad that they say about him, or about the fact that he is completely accepted as an elder statesman. One day that will seem completely appalling. However, now is not that day, and this sort of shit doesn’t help bring it any closer.
ETA: Duh, came up with category as soon as I clicked post: “Things INSERT NAME is Doing Now That Will Appall Their Grandchildren”
Jeffro
Bruce Bartlett (yes, that one, the traitor to the RW cause) just Tweeted a link to Public Policy Polling’s latest from NC.
Forget the overall Clinton v Trump numbers for a second…PPP found that
– 69% of Trump voters think if Clinton win’s it’ll be because the election was rigged
– 40% of Trump voters think the ‘rigging’ will be due to ACORN, which hasn’t existed since 2010
– 48% of Trump voters blame Obama (along with Clinton) for the Khans’ son’s death (he died back when Obama was in the Illinois legislature)
Oh and even though TRUMP HIMSELF admitted he didn’t really see a $400M suitcase going to Iran, 46% of Trump voters say they saw it.
(unfortunately 25% of Clinton voters say the same!!)
Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA
SiubhanDuinne is a national treasure.
SiubhanDuinne
@Miss Bianca:
Actually, I’m working on a “Tit-Willow” parody at the moment. Needed to tackle something more ballad-y after all those patter verses!
Mike J
@catclub: Will they thrown in a LHP?
Fair Economist
@Feathers:
Kissinger is a war criminal par excellence what with the Cambodian bombing. OTOH, he may have saved the world from nuclear annihilation with detente and the START treaty. So, definitely NOT the kind of guy where if he supports something, you should automatically oppose it.
(Seriously, is there ANY such person? Hitler loved dogs, etc…)
Dadadadadadada
@germy: It may be impolite to say this, but the inbreeding really shows.
J.
THAT IS BRILLIANT!!! Someone needs to make a video of this!
FlipYrWhig
@Feathers: In 50 years I promise to make a point of reminding the world that Cyborg Dick Cheney was once an awful human man, in case there are reports that presidential candidate Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky may at some point have had a hypothetical conversation with him/it.
Mnemosyne
@Fair Economist:
Apparently, Hillary and Kissinger are personal friends (they met at Oscar de la Renta’s vacation home in the Dominican Republic, IIRC) but don’t discuss politics.
As I said when I first heard, it would probably be invaluable to hear Kissinger’s perspective on things, if only to know what NOT to do.
catclub
@bemused:
It is especially stupid to bring this up, because the people who he would do this for – the gazillionaires – know that he would sign it if elected, but also know that the ‘Helping Paris Hilton Stay even Richer’ bill is not that popular, so does not need to be part of the campaign.
catclub
@Fair Economist:
So, no love for Pol Pot and Idi Amin, eh?
bemused
@catclub:
I think doing away with the “death” tax still sounds good to a lot of Republican voters even though they will never, ever have enough money to be affected and probably will never know anyone wealthy enough that is. Because, some day, you know, they could be….
Dee Loralei
That is truly brilliant my friend! You are a national treasure!
Elizabelle
Well done, Mme Duinne. You gots the talent, and gots The Donald down cold.
Elizabelle
@Dee Loralei: hello Dee!
SiubhanDuinne
Thank you to everyone for the nice compliments on my doggerel (or, pace Bill E Pilgrim, catteral) and thanks to John for noticing it on FB and asking permission (LOL) to post it here at Balloon Juice. I have fun writing these parody things, and if they amuse a few other people, so much the better.