Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Polls are now a reliable indicator of what corporate Republicans want us to think.

Giving up is unforgivable. ~Joe Biden

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

He imagines himself as The Big Bad, Who Is Universally Feared… instead of The Big Jagoff, Who Is Universally Mocked.

This country desperately needs a functioning fourth estate.

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

White supremacy is terrorism.

Democrats are back in array!

He wakes up lying, and he lies all day.

Let’s bury these fuckers at the polls 2 years from now.

Republicans don’t lie to be believed, they lie to be repeated.

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

Many life forms that would benefit from greater intelligence, sadly, do not have it.

The fundamental promise of conservatism all over the world is a return to an idealized past that never existed.

“Can i answer the question? No you can not!”

Republicans got rid of McCarthy. Democrats chose not to save him.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

You are so fucked. Still, I wish you the best of luck.

Today in our ongoing national embarrassment…

Democracy cannot function without a free press.

T R E 4 5 O N

People are weird.

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Sometimes the old ones are the best ones… Open Thread

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portrait_of_a_lady,_lina_bilitis,_with_two_pekinese-large

I’m sure I have told this story before, but digging that version up would require me to give a shit, and I don’t, so I won’t.

It may have been 1992, because I think it was the same year that I got on the pull with Jodie Foster at an Oscars party and she kept doing the Clarice Starling voice.

Donald and Ivana’s marriage was on quite the downward spiral. Donald’s mother Bitsy had moved in to the grand granny flat attached to whatever monstrosity of an apartment the Trumps lived in that month, presumably so that she could mediate between them. Why she thought bunging me in the spare room would help, I shall never know. Maybe she just needed someone to verify to the girls at brunch that every single word of her stories was true.

Anyway, things were pretty bad between Donald and Ivana. The previous day, she had locked him in the wine fridge for three hours and then pegged a Lalique paperweight at his head during dinner. His hair protected him from too much damage, but still, things were a bit tense the next morning.

Donald had skipped breakfast and was hiding away in the bathroom – a pink marble horror, an apotheosis of bad taste with a gold bidet, the centerpiece of which was a massive curtain-lined shower with a stone mosaic of Donald as Caesar accepting the homage of the Nereids splayed along one wall.

After a bit of grunting – the walls in Trump buildings are never very well insulated – the shower started, and we could hear him launch into some warbling Andrew Lloyd Webber tat in his creepy falsetto.

Ivana had been in a very chipper mood all morning, playing with her pekinese Frou-Frou in the main lounge, showing it pictures of Donald and teaching it to growl and show its little teeth like Bill O’Reilly. Suddenly, she sprang up, grabbed the dog in her arms, stormed over to the bathroom, flung the door open and launched Frou-Frou over the top of the curtains and into the shower.

There was a yelp from Donald, followed by a doggy growl that, amplified by the peculiar acoustics of the bathroom, sounded like Cerberus discovering he had an extra head, then a scream of terror and pain from the Donald as Frou-Frou latched onto a testicle with his teefuses.

Donald rocketed out of the bathroom, a shower curtain tangled about his neck, his hair all fallen back and flapping behind his head like a miasma of umber doom, his belly jiggling, and Frou-Frou, teeth firmly ensconced in Donald’s left ball, bouncing up and down like a very angry pendulum, and at the top of each arc a tiny jet of wee would come out of the little doggy, like a celebratory fountain.

How we laughed.

Someone should exercise their First Amendment rights and put a doberman into Donald’s shower next.

[Giovanni Boldini (1842-1931), Portrait of a Lady, Lina Bilitis, with Two Pekinese, 1913.]

Reader Interactions

73Comments

  2. 2.

    Face

    Where did this story come from? Seems so specific (locked in a wine fridge? teaching a dog to growl?), did Ivana or Don Mimbo pen this account? Is this from someone’s bio?

  5. 5.

    Droppy

    I curse you for imparting the image which results from the Trump/hair/shower part; and bless you for the Pekinese Ball Maul.

  7. 7.

    WereBear

    It has the ring of verisimilitude to me. This is exactly how so many of the very rich settle their intimate relationships: like very powerful toddlers.

    They can hire grownups.

  8. 8.

    Mary G

    So, Cole refers to Walter’s “teefuses” and now SPT also says “teefuses.”

    I don’t think I have ever seen or heard this word before. Am I just ignorant or is SPT John’s alter ego?

  9. 9.

    1,000 Flouncing Lurkers (was fidelioscabinet)

    Sarah, how I have missed these extracts from your memoirs! I hope you had a nice champagne cocktail after you wrote this, because we’ve got three more months to go and you need to keep your strength up.

  13. 13.

    Rand Careaga

    I had begun to fear that the decades of hard partying had taken their toll on Sarah, so infrequent had her postings become, but here she is back at the top of her form. Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety—or is that her infinite Vanity Fair?

  15. 15.

    Betty Cracker

    …at the top of each arc a tiny jet of wee would come out of the little doggy, like a celebratory fountain.

    How I laughed!

  16. 16.

    Amir Khalid

    A fitting SPT tale about the ugliest and most sordid person ever to run for president of the United States. Decadence! Mayhem! Physical injury inflicted on the richly deserving! All that’s missing is a smidge of substance abuse.

  22. 22.

    1,000 Flouncing Lurkers (was fidelioscabinet)

    @Gin & Tonic: Well, when it’s her own…although I don’t feel “abuse” is quite the correct word here. Sarah PAT is too fond of substances to abuse them; that would be crass and unsophisticated. Martinis, after all, should be stirred and not shaken, so as not to bruise the gin.

  24. 24.

    Calming Influence

    A year ago I would have thought that this was a parody. Now I believe this really happened, and that Sarah may have actually toned it down a bit.

  26. 26.

    Scamp Dog

    @Face: Sarah, Proud and Tall is a sometime front-pager who is a 90-something resident of the Shady Pines Home for the Violently Senile. Here’s one of her best posts from 2011. Be sure to read the follow up published a week later.

  27. 27.

    The Golux

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall:

    There was a whole Roman drapery thing going on in there.

    I’m struck by the fact that the furnishings in Drumpf’s residences look like they’ve been pillaged from Liberace’s mausoleum.

  32. 32.

    Tripod

    OT, but I found this gem posted at caucus99percent: How to spot the corporate shills amongst us.

    Also, the dk4s reddit are splitters, and other crazy stuff. The Berniesphere is eating it’s own tail.

  33. 33.

    Sarah, Proud and Tall

    I crack myself up.

    However, we did have the ceremonial stoning of the adulteresses in the car park of the 7-Eleven next door, which cheered us all up. I must note that no-one actually died at the stoning, although that strumpet Sarah Thompson from across the road certainly felt the cleansing fire of a few well aimed pebbles on the back of her head.

  34. 34.

    TriassicSands

    Why she thought bunging me in the spare room would help, I shall never know.

    Is that a typo and you meant to type “bunKing” or is bunging what it sounds like (a made up verb to use to turn a noun into a verb)? If the latter, please provide details.

  35. 35.

    NotMax

    Sigh. This recently appearing popping wide awake at 5 a.m. routine is quickly becoming a royal pain.

  37. 37.

    TriassicSands

    @Amir Khalid:

    I assume that at some point Liberace cut off ties with Trump, because Trump’s taste had become too tacky even for Lee himself.

    Trump is mediocre at business (and maybe a lot worse), but when it comes to decorating taste he may well have the worst, tackiest taste of anyone in the world, especially among those who have sufficient funds to decorate however they see fit.

  39. 39.

    Francis

    “bunging and “on the pull” are distinctly English slang. Bunge — throw carelessly. On the pull — obtain a sex partner.

  40. 40.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    I was in Europe many years ago with Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway had just written his first novel, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said that is was a good novel, but not a great one, and that it needed some work, but it could be a fine book. And we laughed over it. Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

    That winter Picasso lived on the Rue d’Barque, and he had just painted a picture of a naked dental hygenist in the middle of the Gobi Desert. Gertrude Stein said it was a good picture, but not a great one, and I said it could be a fine picture. We laughed over it and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

    Francis Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald came home from their wild new years eve party. It was April. Scott had just written Great Expectations, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said it was a good book, but there was no need to have written it, ’cause Charles Dickens had already written it. We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

    That winter we went to Spain to see Manolete fight, and he was… looked to be eighteen, and Gertrude Stein said no, he was nineteen, but that he only looked eighteen, and I said sometimes a boy of eighteen will look nineteen, whereas other times a nineteen year old can easily look eighteen. That’s the way it is with a true Spaniard. We laughed over that and Gertrude Stein punched me in the mouth.

    from

  41. 41.

    Sarah, Proud and Tall

    @TriassicSands:

    bunging

    It’s a good Australian verb I find very useful. To bung is to place something in or on something else, often with a degree of force and/or lack of care. Presumably a verbing of the bung in a bottle.

    One can bung another prawn on one’s barbie, or bung the tinnies in the fridge. I bung, I bunged, I will bung, I would of bung.

    I was once watching porn with a young Australian gentlemen who uttered the immortal words, “He bunged it in that other guy good didn he?”

  42. 42.

    catclub

    @Mike J:

    Louisa Chaffe, Lincoln Chaffe’s daughter is competing in mixed Nacra.

    Until I saw the picture I was guessing knitting with synthetics.

  46. 46.

    burnspbesq

    In the open-thread spirit, i offer up summer beach reading for nerds: SCOTUSBlog is running a symposium on a potentially enormously important case you’ve probably never heard of, Trinity Lutheran Church v.Pauley.

    Highly recommended, and a useful reminder (if one is needed) of the elephant in the corner in every Presidential campagn.

  48. 48.

    trollhattan

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall:
    Am guessing partly derived from wine/beer/booze industry where they have to drive the bung into the barrel with a mallet (“bung mallet” or any old mallet?) upon filling. Of course said bung resides in the literal bunghole.

    /wine geek

  50. 50.

    sherparick

    Very sad to hear about John Saunders death. Its a bit of a shock to see folks I started watching who were young men and women when I was young, reaching the end of their days. He was a splendid sports broadcaster.

  51. 51.

    J R in WV

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall:

    I admire your work/calling as you are perfect!

    Where have you been for so long? Thank you for coming back, wherever from.

    Keep up your inspired work, wherever that inspiration comes from, and DOG bless you and yours! Or Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whomever provides you spiritual relief late at night.

  52. 52.

    Mnemosyne

    I just had a startled moment of thinking I had left a frozen burrito in my purse, but it turned out that I had, in fact, remembered to put in the freezer.

    Sadly, this story is 100 percent true.

  54. 54.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @trollhattan: the Down South story is particularly hilarious.

    And suddenly my whole life passed before my eyes. I saw myself as a kid again, in Kansas, going to school, swimming at the swimming hole, and fishing, frying up a mess o catfish, going down to the gen’l store, getting a piece of gingham for Emmy-Lou…. And I realize — it’s not my life! They’re gonna hang me in two minutes, and the wrong life is passing before my eyes.

    Bonus audio

  58. 58.

    ET

    I see that former GOP Rep Chris Shays is endorsing Hillary. Not that I think many regular folk care but it is interesting. The endorsement wasn’t even half-hearted.

  66. 66.

    Betty Cracker

    @raven: I like getting up really early too. It’s practically the only time of day people aren’t making unreasonable demands!

  68. 68.

    Mnemosyne

    @OzarkHillbilly:

    At the risk of setting raven off on a rant, I’d bet that, like me, your wife has ADHD. I take medication for it now, so I’m more likely to remember to take the frozen burrito out of my purse before it goes bad, even if I forget again later that that was what I did.

  71. 71.

    Jim Parene

    I am waiting for SPAT to compile her posts into a book. They are brilliant!
    However, we need more references to Cthulu and friends.

  73. 73.

    Debbie(aussie)

    Always late to these people threads, bugger having things to do. But that, my dear Sarah, was a work of art. Almost ……my pants laughing.????
    Thank you!!!

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