Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Washington Post’s Catch and Kill, not noticeably better than the Enquirer’s.

Nothing says ‘pro-life’ like letting children go hungry.

This blog will pay for itself.

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

Democrats have delivered the Square Deal, the New Deal, the Fair Deal, and now… the Big Joe Biden Deal.

They were going to turn on one another at some point. It was inevitable.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Putting aside our relentless self-interest because the moral imperative is crystal clear.

The new republican ‘Pastor’ of the House is an odious authoritarian little creep.

Republicans in disarray!

The words do not have to be perfect.

I’m sure you banged some questionable people yourself. We’re allowed to grow past that.

It is possible to do the right thing without the promise of a cookie.

Come on, man.

Be a traveling stable for those who can’t find room at the inn.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

Spilling the end game before they can coat it in frankl luntz-approved dogwhistles.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

If you are in line to indict donald trump, stay in line.

Don’t expect peaches from an apple tree.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / I Own a Leatherman and a Sharp Pocket Knife and No Good Can Come From This

I Own a Leatherman and a Sharp Pocket Knife and No Good Can Come From This

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I closed on the new house yesterday and now have the place free and clear, and I am already sick and tired of adulting. I have no idea how people who have kids deal with owning a house and keeping their job. I was very happy renting. My previous life consisted of, say when there was a problem with the refrigerator, doing things like this:

Me: Hi- this is John in Apt. 3C. My refrigerator needs to be repaired.

Landlord: What is the problem?

Me: When I open the door, it’s not cold inside.

Landlord:… … … Ok. We’ll send someone down.

Now I need a goddamned Master’s Degree in Electrical Engineering and a degree in interior design to buy a fucking appliance. Everything is a fucking ordeal, and you have to deal with so many different people who all have their own very narrow purview, and none of them talk to anyone else you have to deal with, so you just have to patch things together, stumbling blindly along the way.

Since it was a foreclosure, and I was not allowed in the house until I had the deed, I was not allowed to address the two floors of wall to wall dog shit for a month. So yesterday, I went in, and decided step #1 would be to open the windows. Before I got to the second floor, my legs had fleas up to my knees and the dust and everything had me near anaphylactic shock. My throat was closing and I had to rush outside and get fresh air and wheezed to the point that I made myself puke off the front porch. HI NEIGHBORS, I’M MOVING IN!

I decided I needed professionals, so I called them up, and they came and are sending me an estimate to rip out all the carpeting and clean the subfloors and everything, but before I can even do that, I have to get a dumpster and get all the shit (not actual shit, but possessions they just abandoned) they just left out. Before I can do that, I need to flea bomb the entire house.

So, I decided, if I am going to do anything with the word “bomb” in it, I should probably get my home owner’s insurance set up. This starts the next clusterfuck. I call USAA, and they asked me if the house was vacant. I answered yes, learning later that the term vacant is a term of art when it comes to insurance companies. It’s nuanced. When I hear vacant, I think “Is there anyone living in it,” and the answer is no. They hear vacant and they think “This place is unattended for the long term and will be undergoing renovations.” They don’t issue insurance for the second kind of vacant, so they referred me to another insurance agent they work with who will give me a short term policy for what I need. I then spend 100 hours (maybe less) answering a whole bunch of questions which are way outside of my wheelhouse:

Agent: What kind of roof do you have?

Me: It’s pointy like most roofs.

Agent: No- what is it made up of? What kind?

Me: Could you read off some common options to choose from?

I eventually got so disgusted I didn’t wait for the quote and just told him to mail me it. The next mission involved getting the water turn on, which was painless- I just had to find their office, but I can do that kind of shit pretty easy, so I went and did that. Electricity is still a work in progress. It has electricity, because they, despite the previous owners owing 2k and ME calling them a month ago to shut it off, have never shut it off, so I am going to have to go through that bullshit tomorrow. I’m scheduling that for tomorrow right after coffee and before I read the news and fucking hate everyone.

The final mission of the day was to get a mask so I can breathe in the house long enough to set off the flea bombs, which I also purchased and much to my chagrin, are not going to be like me going urban commando and rolling grenades into a room. And because this is me, of course the only person I could find to assist me at Lowe’s was someone who looks like tools and home renovation is his lifelong passion, like he was born in denim overalls with one of those elaborate belts to hold tools I don’t know how to use- someone who can get the tape back in the tape measure without kinking it without even trying, and he looked at me in contempt as I tried to explain what I needed. Actual conversation:

Me: I need a mask so I can breathe in a house infested with bugs and dust:

Lowe’s employee: (looks to the right and hands me flimsy paper mask that was literally two feet from me and I had obviously already looked at and decided was not what I needed)

Me: No. You ever see Breaking Bad?

On the way out I purchased a leatherman and a sharp knife because I realized I probably shouldn’t use a kitchen knife when setting off the bombs.

So, tomorrow, I deal with the electric company, try to get homeowner’s insurance, meet the water guy so he can turn on the water while I am there just in case all the faucets are open), and then I am going to work on the yard and set up the hose so I can hose all the fleas and shit off me and strip naked into new clothes after I bomb the house.

Adulting sucks.

Reader Interactions

175Comments

  5. 5.

    raven

    Set up your USAA account website. Why in the fuck are you messing with bombs, have professional exterminator work the joint over.

  6. 6.

    Corner Stone

    I can’t wait for the day when my child goes away to college and I can sell this house and be free. Free! FREE!!!

  7. 7.

    SiubhanDuinne

    John: I thought you were in a house all this time, not an apartment.

    Also — and I know I’ll regret asking this — what is a Leatherman?

  8. 8.

    Corner Stone

    @SiubhanDuinne: He said it not only once but at least twice. HRC has a “style” problem.
    Yeah, Trump has a “substance” problem but – oh wait, I guess we’ll have to leave it there.

  9. 9.

    Pogonip

    Cole, I advise you to return the flea bombs and use the money to hire an exterminator. The bombs are dangerous for those with allergies, which it sounds like you have; you have no way to know if one is defective, since you can’t stand there and watch it; and even if they all work perfectly, you can’t control where the poison goes. One small area a bomb misses can re-flea the entire house. Get a pro.

  10. 10.

    jl

    For once, my entire sympathy is with poor Cole.
    I mean ‘pointy roof’, what more did they need?

    You know that its a pointy type of roof, on a regular kind of house, that s a standard regular pointy roof and the rest is trivia.

    Good luck, Cole.

  13. 13.

    RoonieRoo

    Welcome to home ownership! What you experienced today never, ever ends. It just fades into the “can’t give any more fucks” background.

  14. 14.

    Corner Stone

    There are certain things where a pro is needed. Electrician, bedroom activities, and exterminators.
    Money very well spent in each case.

  15. 15.

    Trollhattan

    Congrats on closing. Welcome to hell–he-ha-ha-ha (typed the fellow homeowner). Hope you enjoyed your prior free time.

    A’fore you set off any “bombs”–you don’t have any gas appliances with pilot lights? Good. If you do, shut them down.

  17. 17.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @SiubhanDuinne: A Leatherman is the handiest of handy-dandy tools. Army guys are particularly fond of them, as they are better than Swiss Army knives for dealing with troublesome WD-1 commo wire.

  18. 18.

    RoonieRoo

    Oh, and I third or whatever the recommendation to get a professional exterminator as opposed to the bombs. Seriously.

  23. 23.

    John Cole

    I talked to a professional exterminator and he said to bomb the place, have them remove all the carpet and do what they are going to do and then have the exterminator come in. He said it makes no sense to come in and treat a bunch of shit you are throwing out.

    We’re just bombing this so professionals can safely go in there and do their work.

  24. 24.

    redshirt

    I feel ya John. I did all the research I could on my house, but now living in it, there’s 3 dozen things I wish I did different. I just didn’t think of it properly.

    I would not have bought a foreclosure without the expectation of doing a massive amount of upfront work. I assume the price was right to allow you to afford that.

  28. 28.

    Pogonip

    @Trollhattan: thank you, I forgot to warn him about pilot lights. I know he has no appliances in there yet, but the furnace could be gas.

    Actually, the concepts “Cole,” “light,” and “bomb” never belong in the same sentence.

  30. 30.

    cursorial

    Sympathy. I ran into the “vacant” issue myself – I moved, and when I got rental insurance while my condo was on the market, the insurance company cancelled the policy on the condo because it was “vacant” and therefore actuarially likely to become a crackhouse, I suppose. I had to get really expensive insurance to cover the vacant property in the interim, because of course the mortgage company required it. (The correct thing to do, I learned, was to lie and pretend I was occupying both properties. Adulthood is full of perverse incentives.)

  31. 31.

    MattF

    @SiubhanDuinne: Leatherman makes a nice selection of high quality multitools– mechanical gizmos that have a dozen or so small tools folded into the handles of a larger tool. There are three or four manufacturers of these kinds of tools, Leatherman is probably the best known. Nice toys, and quite functional.

  32. 32.

    Schlemazel

    JC – tell the man a Lowes you want a “3M TEKK Protection” Lead Paint Removal Respirator

    That is a specific thing he can show you. It is what I use when I am carving soapstone (which can contain asbestos but any rock dust can lead to silicosis so I am careful.

    It is way overkill for what you need if the issue is dust & mites but for $25-30 worth it

  34. 34.

    brendancalling

    Ok, first of all you were smart to get someone else to clean the house. That was my first mistake when i became a homeowner.

    As for the homeowners insurance, shouldn’t that be rolled into your mortgage payments? It’s usually PITI (principal, interest, taxes, insurance). Double check before you double pay.

    Get a professional exterminator.

    Good luck man.

  37. 37.

    jl

    @SiubhanDuinne: I think Cole is renting a house, w front and back yards and other fun hous-y stuff.

    He should have taken a hint from all that fun hous-y pain-in-the-neck stuff. But, noooooo…..

    Good luck Cole. Sounds like you’ve researched this stuff. Don’t let all those officious experts get you down. The old coot in the overalls should have given you better service. Demand it next time.

    Just remember to always be reasonable. For example, if the insurance company gives you trouble again, try this: ‘Look, the damn wreck at least HAS a !!@%$$!!###! !!***!! roof, what &*!^%$!!@! more do you assholes want?’

  39. 39.

    gene108

    @raven:

    Why in the fuck are you messing with bombs, have professional exterminator work the joint over.

    Second this.

    When I was 10, we moved to NC. We rented a townhouse initially. It had flees. I think the owner or previous tenant had dogs or something.

    Anyway the landlord bombed the place a couple of times and/or fumigated when mom complained.

    The flees always came back a few days later.

  40. 40.

    Corner Stone

    I’m not a violent person but I would literally punch Chuck Todd in the neck if I were in range right now.

  42. 42.

    Anne Laurie

    The denim overall guys call them respirators, Cole. Excellent idea, IMO!

    Warning: no two models fit quite the same, so — while you do want to wear one, at least until the place is gutted and aired out — don’t splurge on the most expensive model until you’ve tried a couple on & figured out which make is best for you.

    You may actually want to check out your local commercial cleaning services, see if you can afford to get the professionals to come in, remove all the ‘surface’ filth & the carpets. The people who clean up after disasters for a living can do the job a lot faster & probably more effectively!

  44. 44.

    quakerinabasement

    Sympathies to you, John. It sounds awful (but it’s good reading!). It will get easier.

  45. 45.

    RSR

    >>It has electricity

    Be prepared for that to die at the most crucial moment, at least until you’ve handled the transfer.

  46. 46.

    Mnemosyne

    @Schlemazel:

    Also, get goggles at the same time. If you’re allergic enough to need a mask, you’re going to need goggles, too, or you’ll still be miserable.

  48. 48.

    Chad

    Also, make sure any natural gas pilot lights are off before you set off the bug bomb (if you have natural gas). Good luck! Also, pictures!

  50. 50.

    Bobby Thomson

    @brendancalling: ah, this raises another question. If Cole didn’t have a lawyer at closing, and not all states require it, no one may have explained the HUD statement/closing disclosure.

  54. 54.

    sam

    re: vacancy, I had the opposite problem when I was buying my apartment. My homeowners insurance wasn’t a problem, but at closing, the title insurance guy asked me to sign a legal representation that the apartment had been vacated of its previous tenants because it had previously been a rent stabilized apartment. The problem was, the prior tenants were my parents, and they had gotten slightly delayed in moving into their new place by, like, a week, so they hadn’t actually moved out yet. I know people joke about us lawyers being liars, but I’m not going to lie in an affidavit (!), so we basically had to go through a whole, They’ve “legally” vacated the apartment, and if you need to, I can have *them* sign an affidavit to that effect, and now they’re just my parents spending the week in “my” apartment as my guests. That explanation worked, but it was touch-and-go for a minute.

  55. 55.

    I'll be Frank

    Congrat’s on joining the struggle Comrade! This is the dream that drives the world. Soon will come the joys of escrow recalculation, also known as “good lord how hard can it be to divide by 12.”

  59. 59.

    Trollhattan

    Hey everybody, if you’re curious how the Libertarian candidate would handle the whole Middle Easy thing, Gary Johnson is your go-to guy!

    The Libertarian candidate for president has apparently not been keeping close tabs on the Syrian civil war that has decimated the country and created hundreds of thousands of refugees. In back-to-back Thursday interviews on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” and in the lobby of the network’s offices, Gary Johnson made it clear that he was not familiar with Syria’s second-largest city, which has been struck in recent weeks with devastating chemical gas attacks and targeted strikes on its few remaining medical facilities.

    “What would you do if you were elected about Aleppo?” Mike Barnicle asked Gary Johnson on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.”

    “About?” Johnson asked.

    “Aleppo,” Barnicle repeated, referring to Syria’s second-largest city, which has been hit in recent weeks by a series of devastating chemical gas attacks and targeted bombing strikes on its few remaining medical facilities.

    “And what is Aleppo?” Johnson asked sunnily, to the astonishment of the “Morning Joe” hosts.

    “You’re kidding,” Barnicle said.

    “No,” Johnson replied.

    “Aleppo is in Syria. It’s the epicenter of the refugee crisis,” Barnicle said.

    “Okay got it, got it,” Johnson said. “Well with regard to Syria I do think that it’s a mess. I think the only way that we deal with Syria is to join hands with Russia to diplomatically bring that to an end.”

    The former New Mexico governor attributed the turmoil in Syria to “regime change.”

    Guessing Jill Stein would spray paint the problem away.

  66. 66.

    Mnemosyne

    My poor coworker just got told that she looks like Ann Coulter. The guy meant it as a compliment, but she’s creeped out now.

    (For the record, my coworker is a tall blonde with a long neck, so there is a certain superficial resemblance except that T clearly has a soul while Ann Coulter clearly does not.)

  67. 67.

    Corner Stone

    @Iowa Old Lady: One of the more rage inducing episodes of MTP Daily on MSNBC. I swear to the Christ child this is one of worst things I have seen in a long, long time.

  68. 68.

    Splitting Image

    My landlord came by on Tuesday to check my bathrooms, decided to put a new shower in the master bedroom ensuite, and noticed some raccoon droppings on the back porch. He came back yesterday with a power washer and cleaned the entire deck. It looks like new.

    So, um, basically I’m in the same boat as you.

  71. 71.

    Patricia Kayden

    @Pogonip: Echo your advice and would encourage John to get professionals for pretty much any repairs on his new house. It’s too easy for amateurs to cause expensive damage while puttering around. Plus, he’s prone to painful accidents.

  76. 76.

    Uncle Cosmo

    Cole: The problem with having 2 floors of dogshit is that the main warning of a gas leak is olfactory: Although methane itself is odorless, the utilities adulterate it with a frisson of mercaptan, “which has been described as having the stench of rotting cabbages or smelly socks.” FTR if your urine doesn’t smell funny to you after eating asparagus, you might not be able to smell the mercaptan.

    If there’s gas service to the house, open a whole bunch of windows, turn all gas-fired appliances (water heater, oven, furnace) off, then find the master gas line cutoff valve (probably right by the gas meter) & make sure it’s off. Then, & only then, get about doing whatever you’re doing.

  78. 78.

    philadelphialawyer

    I guess I am not all that sympathetic. You bought a foreclosed house. That means you probably got a good price. In any event, you knew or should have known you were getting a house last lived in by someone who was either kicked out or abandoned the place. Probably not going to be the best kept house, no? And didn’t you inspect it ahead of time? I also don’t get why you think would or should have been let in the place until you had the deed. If it was your house being foreclosed, don’t you think maybe you would like some safeguards like that in place? Again, there was no happy sale between a willing buyer and seller here. Instead, someone was very likely kicked out of that house, which was their home. Unless and until you have a deed, that ownership and, possibly in some cases (even if not yours), privacy interest of theirs should be respected. And if you have questions about your insurance policy application, ask your agent or someone at the insurance company what to do. I also don’t know why you would put down “vacant” when asked about the status of a house you now own and intend to live in.

    All in all, I really don’t see what you have to complain about.

  80. 80.

    hovercraft

    @Corner Stone:
    He’s the Political Director for NBC/ MSNBC, he has a clause in his contract to keep him healthy through the election.
    It occurred to me that so far this campaign season the two most pilloried forums/ debates have been from the NBC family of networks. The CNBC republican debate was excoriated and last nights debacle was so bad apparently even Lauer’s bosses realize it was a disaster.
    Can they go three for three? Lester Holt is up next, what are the odds that he is able to complete a NBC trifecta of failure and sucktitude ?

  84. 84.

    RSA

    A possible next step is to call your friends who have had work done on their houses, to see if you can get a line on a good general contractor. A middleman, but a good one will know what needs to be done, get the right people in to do the necessary work, shield you from a lot of bullshit, and in the end maybe even save you money. At least that’s been my experience.

  87. 87.

    Roger Moore

    @philadelphialawyer:

    All in all, I really don’t see what you have to complain about.

    Change; that’s what he’s complaining about. Buying a first home is scary, because you’re suddenly responsible for all this crap somebody else took care of before. Buying a foreclosure as a first home has to be even scarier, because there are tons of problems even an experience homeowner would have trouble dealing with.

  89. 89.

    Trollhattan

    @pat:
    My take: until the carpets are ripped out and hauled off, a pro exterminator is money wasted because he’ll be coming right back after it’s all gone. This is just a knock-down step to make it less awful to get the carpet out of there.

  91. 91.

    philadelphialawyer

    @Roger Moore:

    “Buying a foreclosure as a first home has to be even scarier, because there are tons of problems even an experienced homeowner would have trouble dealing with.”

    Kinda my point. Extra problems with foreclosed house. Is that a surprise?

  92. 92.

    JMG

    John, I have bought three houses in my life. If it’s any consolation, I made a million mistakes with the first house in repairs, estimating costs, etc., but I never repeated any the next two purchases.
    I found new ones to make instead.

  93. 93.

    p.a.

    I was wondering how long it would take to get this type of post. I know nothing of foreclosure sales. Has it been inspected?

  95. 95.

    Corner Stone

    @pat:

    but I wonder why they wouldn’t do the “bombing” for you.

    I also don’t understand that part. When I go to a plumber for something he doesn’t tell me to first complete steps A and B and then call him back. He just shows up and gets to work doing his thing.

  97. 97.

    Shana

    @Patricia Kayden: to be fair to our host, I suspect that most of the accidents we so enjoyed reading about happened before he quit drinking. Well, except for falling through the deck.

  98. 98.

    Chyron HR

    @John Cole:

    I talked to a professional exterminator and he said to bomb the place

    FUCKING HILLARY! BERNIE WARNED US OF HER THIRST FOR BLOOD!

  99. 99.

    Miss Bianca

    @SiubhanDuinne: here’s a version:

    And am I still bitter that someone stole a credit card, ordered seven of these little bad boys from me, and I ended up losing both the merch and almost $1000 because PayPal wouldn’t provide Seller Confirmation on the product? Why, YES. Yes, I am.

  101. 101.

    CarolDuhart2

    True, I own a condo that was made out of an abandoned school., and all I can say it’s worth it. I know a lot of people complain about owning vs renting-but here are the benefits:

    There’s a lot of small decisions that you don’t have to wait for permission to do: decor is one of them.
    Pets is another. Appliances and windows is a third.

    No mortgage in your case, but as long as it’s fixed, so is the payment. No landlord suddenly deciding to raise the rent.

    Equity. You can at least sell the place and get something out of it if all goes well (and if it’s underwater, you can at least live in it).

    Your own house rules. You can have roommates and visitors on your terms.

  102. 102.

    Mike in NC

    My wife is a big fan of those ‘hoarders’ shows on TV. Maybe because her late sister was one. After she passed away we needed respirators, rubber gloves, and disposable coveralls to go and clean out her 4th floor condo in Springfield, VA. No elevator in the building, so it was grueling work hauling stuff off to the nearest dumpster. Very little of her belongings were even salvageable.

  103. 103.

    Seanly

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Leatherman is a brand of multi-tools (like Swiss Army knives but usually include pliers) that is pretty popular in the US. I prefer Gerber multi-tools myself and have too many.

    LOL at John. I’ve bought 3 houses but never a foreclosure. The second house we currently rent out though I would love to be rid of it. I gladly fork over 10% of the rent to a management company. Never had to go through a tenth of the trouble you describe even with the 3rd house being an older home. Good luck.

    Pro-tip – maybe don’t read Douchehat for the next few weeks per your tweet.

  105. 105.

    philadelphialawyer

    @Roger Moore: Not merely “foreseeable” but part of the deal. Distress sale, tax sale, foreclosure sale, whatever type of non willing sale between home owner and home buyer, the existence of very possible extra hassles, legal and practical, is reflected in the price. Or, if it wasn’t, it should have been passed on.

  106. 106.

    jl

    @Roger Moore: These busybodies will pry the Rights of Complaint from our cold dead BJ commenter hands.

    Anyway, complainers complaining about complaints are second-order complaining, which is worse than the first. We are rubber they are glue. They self-refute, and cast themselves in ill-repute. QED. Thnxbai.

  107. 107.

    philadelphialawyer

    @jl: Does that make you a third order complainer? And am I now a fourth order complainer? If you respond, are you then a fifth order complainer? The mind boggles! LOL!

  112. 112.

    philadelphialawyer

    @Roger Moore: How so? My view is you shouldn’t bitch about stuff you bargained for. Want a nice, turn key ready house? Well then, buy one from a nice homeowner who wants to sell. Want a “deal?” Well then, take the bad with the good. And stop complaining, already!

  113. 113.

    jl

    @philadelphialawyer: To truly understand the BJ mindset, one needs to think deeply about those issues. I am still working through them (being a journeyman here), and will probably get back to you with a fuller understanding at that time when, on the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia

  114. 114.

    opiejeanne

    @jl: Reminds me of when I worked in a fabric store and a guy came in and asked for a button. He wanted an “average button”. One fell off of a pair of his pants and no, he didn’t have the pants with him, he just wanted an average button.
    We had already directed him to the button aisle but he didn’t want to waste time looking at them, just wanted an average button. For a pair of pants.

  115. 115.

    Corner Stone

    @opiejeanne: Mmmmm…life in a tent..(Homer donut noises).
    I’m going to sell this house so fast, believe me. It’s going to be the best sell you have ever seen, the best, ok?

  119. 119.

    jl

    @opiejeanne: Pant’s buttons? What kind of man person worries about pants buttons? Why didn’t he grab a random button? Something fishy about that guy, you ask me.

  120. 120.

    David Fud

    @John Cole: FYI, those non-professional grade bombs won’t touch the fleas in your house. I don’t even know why they bother to sell the stuff. My rec, for what it is worth: treat the house with the pro twice if need be. You don’t want to try to work in a house with fleas, or have a crew work in a house with fleas. It is a non-starter.

  121. 121.

    What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us?

    @Corner Stone: I certainly feel you. I’ll have dropped about 30 large on my house this year by the time its all over. Not fun stuff like remodeling bathrooms either, but mold remediation, new roof (kind of fun, I guess) and waterproofing the basement. My wife and I own a 1 bedroom condo and we just tried (and failed) to have a kid via IVF…so if a kid is off the table I’m starting to think lets sell this money pit and move back into the condo.

    At least the place has increased in value about 30 percent since we bought it 4 years ago so I’ll get my money back.

  124. 124.

    CarolDuhart2

    Cole, get a crew even for the cleaning. Depends on how bad it is whether or not you can get volunteers or not, but having a crew help will get things done faster and more thoroughly. Sometimes other people’s eyes can spot what you alone would probably miss because you are tired. Plus you need people who will open up cabinets and closets and go down into the basement and open up those things too.

    Be prepared for surprises- a lot of them unpleasant. You talk about fleas, but a house full of dog crap probably has a few more pests as well from roaches to even a rat or mouse. Not to mention moldy food and trash in closets.

    Should you salvage anything? I if ran across someone’s social security card, I might put in in a baggie. Other than that, cloth, wood, paper is a total loss. Some metal, some ceramic might be soakable in bleach.

    Get a dumpster a little larger than you think, just in case some fixtures also are unfixable as well. You will be surprised at how much space a door can take up. Plus, once this stuff is out of the house, you will want to see it gone in one trip-say goodbye to everything and never see it again.

  125. 125.

    Corner Stone

    @What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us?: My tax appraisal has gone up each year but the actual price I could fetch would be about what I paid for it 10+ years ago. After I put about $20K more into it first.
    I can’t wait to not have to worry about school districts anymore and move into a townhome I can walk two blocks to get dinner/groceries/entertainment/etc.

  126. 126.

    David Fud

    @John Cole: another thing: in other places the foreclosure/courthouse steps are lively and expensive for what you actually get. I suspect that the economy in West VA makes houses without value due to declining population. Otherwise, maybe I should buy them all and rent them out to students or something.

  127. 127.

    Miss Bianca

    For some reason – maybe just because I’ve been re-reading my way thru’ Patrick O’Brian – the title of this post reminds me of the bosun’s mate’s cry as he rousted the sailors from their hammocks:

    Out or down! Here I come, with a sharp knife and a clear conscience!

  128. 128.

    Corner Stone

    I just don’t give one shit about Johnson not knowing what Barnicle meant re: Aleppo. He was never going to be president or meaningfully change the race in any way.
    Trump said 8 things worse than that god damned Aleppo gaffe last night during the forum and he’s still being covered as a legitimate candidate.

  129. 129.

    jl

    @CarolDuhart2: To be serious for a moment, I agree with your comment. Old dust mixed with dung and piles of dead bugs can be bad news, health- wise, and expensive to dispose of properly. Cole should read up on how to do it safely and if he has the funds consider getting a professional cleaning crew.

    Cole, don’t go rushing in there with you sharp implements stirring up dust and wandering around in it for any length of time. Learn about how to clean a place like that. I had to learn some basics on how to work around piles of finely aged rat dung and Hanta virus for an old farm building clean-up, for example.

  130. 130.

    What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us?

    @Corner Stone: Walking two blocks to restaurants, grocery stores, pharmacy, etc. That exactly describes our condo. Also, no yard to take care of. A maintenance pro to fix most everything that does wrong. I thought I would love owning a house but I’m learning I was, um, kinda wrong about that. The only thing I’d miss is outdoor space to myself – especially a place to fire up my Weber grill. I suppose we could find a condo with a patio and frankly that’s all I need in terms of outdoor space.

  131. 131.

    Joel

    John, if you’re in the market for kitchen appliances, head up to IKEA outside Pittsburgh. They sell Whirlpool appliances and stick a 5-year warranty on them (as opposed to the 3-year you find elsewhere). If you need furnishings, get those too. Then pay a single flat rate shipping cost to your place. Will cost you probably 100-200 bucks tops.

  132. 132.

    Mnemosyne

    @philadelphialawyer:

    My view is you shouldn’t bitch about stuff you bargained for.

    So basically no one is ever allowed to bitch about their spouse, their kid, their house, their job, or their pet.

    Doesn’t leave a lot of topics of conversation.

  133. 133.

    Trollhattan

    @jl:
    I’m waiting for Mickey Rooney to show up and convince everybody to “Turn the old Cole place into a theater and put on a show!”

  134. 134.

    namekarB

    N95/R95/P95 masks filter out 95% of dust particles
    N99/R95/P99 masks filter out 99% of dust particles
    N100/R100/P100 masks filter out 99.7% of dust particles

    You get what you pay for. I’d pony up more money and go with the mask that filters out the most dust

  136. 136.

    jheartney

    One other point about the fleas (had to deal with them in a house I moved into once). Definitely use a professional exterminator. However, even if you do, the flea problem won’t go away immediately; fleas have a pupae stage in which they are impervious to the poisons the exterminators use. When they hatch out of it they’ll eventually die, but not before jumping on you and biting. As I recall it took a week or two for the little buggers to be completely gone.

  137. 137.

    Trollhattan

    @jheartney:
    Yeah, IIRC once they go through sufficient cycles w/o a blood meal you’ll finally be rid of them. It’s been awhile but I have had to deal (thankfully, no wall-to-wall carpeting). There’s a similar process for dealing with goddamn head lice that race through 50% of girl sleepovers.

  138. 138.

    Elizabelle

    John Cole, new homeowner, Walter rescuer, and soon to be economic stimulus to his new neighborhood as he hires tradespeople and other professionals. The usual curmudgeon stuff, too.

    And that’s just August-September.

  140. 140.

    Roger Moore

    @philadelphialawyer:

    My view is you shouldn’t bitch about stuff you bargained for.

    The problem is that you’re expressing it as an established fact rather than your personal opinion. I say fuck you, we’ll complain about whatever we feel like complaining about.

  141. 141.

    enplaned

    I foresee many entertaining posts on injuries, which I will enjoy so long as nothing too bad happens to John or any of his friends, family or pets.

  142. 142.

    I'll be Frank

    @John Cole: Ahh, Comrade you have skipped the joys provided by having a mortgage servicer, a large corporations striving to be nameless, employing only the finest service workers. This relationship is a two way street as they provide years of training in affecting the humility expected by petty officials with arbitrary power to deny you your dream. Given that you are not availing yourself of this opportunity to learn, never miss a tax payment.

  143. 143.

    opiejeanne

    @philadelphialawyer: You know, when houses around us were foreclosed in the housing market crash, they were sold by the bank; the foreclosed “owner” was long gone by the time they were sold. The owners had vacated the premises before the sales took place, most of them were empty for months.

    And sadly, deliberately abandoned pets were left locked inside too many of these places; no one heard the animals because the houses on either side were also empty.

  146. 146.

    opiejeanne

    @jl: We wanted him to buy a fucking button and get the hell out. We were trying to close and he doesn’t realize that buttons come in different sizes, even though the ones on his shirt are nowhere near the same size as the one he had on the pants he was wearing. We suggested he measure that button, tried to hand him the tape measure, but he wasn’t interested, said it was a different size than the regular button that had fallen off the other pants.
    ARGh!

  147. 147.

    Steeplejack (tablet)

    @hovercraft:

    From that CNN story:

    But Lauer’s interviewing skills are second to none. He has hosted thousands of episodes of the Today show.

    Lobbing softball questions in a fluff celebrity piece is not the same as substantive interviewing.

    As for Lester Holt, he sets off my Spidey sense.

  148. 148.

    Sawgrass Stan

    @raven: I live in a place where bugs have their own congressman. Get a pro. And if you have to DIY, be aware that you have to bomb twice: the first bomb won’t get the eggs, so you have to do the whole thing again a week after the first one. Been there, done that– get a pro.

  150. 150.

    Applejinx

    I just don’t want Cole or ColeHouse to explode. Be certain of those pilot lights, John. I have seen the ‘bug bomb’ Mythbusters episode, and sure enough bug bombs can create a house-sized fuel/air bomb. Not nice. Be safe <3

  151. 151.

    MomSense

    @Pogonip:

    Thank you. No, COLE DO NOT DO THIS YOURSELF. Hire an exterminator to deal with the fleas and hire a company to come in and do removal of the carpets. If you have a good relationship with your general contractor you can work it out so you do some of the demo and other tasks.

    Some of your local building supply outfits will have in house designers to help you plan your kitchen and even draw up the plans for the renovations. Make an appointment to meet with one before you buy appliances! Some of these places will send someone out to do the measurements for you. I highly recommend this. If not, ask the designer about true measurements you need.

    Suzanne is a pro and you may be able to ask her advice provided you promise to burn your end tables! I’m also happy to help. I’ve done this four times now and will share what I’ve learned the hard way!

    I’m all for sweat equity but you have to choose the tasks you know how to do.

  152. 152.

    LiberalTarian

    You could have this one in 2 days from Amazon–it has rubber around the mouth and nose to keep the particles out.

  155. 155.

    CarolDuhart2

    i agree with the bomb twice and getting a professional as well. A lot of time you need two treatments, and maybe in this case a third. It beats moving in and suddenly seeing a rat dart out behind that brand new refrigerator you just bought. And yes, I said rats. A professional will check those crawl spaces and hidden places under the sink for any possible nests or openings. Just setting off flea bombs will not do the trick. However, you can pay for a professional to handle that and an inspection to make sure that also isn’t an issue as well.

    Other than that, you will love the process despite accidents and all. Nothing like seeing a place you live in reflect your tastes and lifestyle. There’s the fun of it all-picking out everything from flooring to appliances, to new furniture (be prepared for this development-new house, new furniture).

  157. 157.

    Sawgrass Stan

    John, welcome to the Ownership Society. I’m nostalgic about the days when I could just phone the landlord and forget about it, but there really is something intangibly grounding about having your own place — your “castle” sort of. Instead of calling the landlord, you’re going to have to find and create relationships with people who can fix your house when you can’t. I’m getting older and weaker, and I’m really glad that I’ve made connections with good people that can help me without ripping me off, since I can’t do nearly as much DIY as I used to. You really don’t need to kiss that many frogs to find a prince, and you’ve got good people-reading skills. First thing, I’d find a good appraiser/inspector (maybe not the one you worked with prior to the sale, tho) who will overload you with things that HAVE to be fixed; make him prioritize, then (probably) find a good contractor for the big stuff and make friends with him/her. Finding good people and letting them know they’ll be in the long haul with you makes for a lot less headaches, lower costs, and maybe some friendships too.

  158. 158.

    oz29

    @John Cole: John, I imagine you’re probably sick of advice, but I’ll pile on anyway. You might want to call that lawyer and discuss the flea problem and any potential nuisance liability, if you haven’t already. Even assuming that you are exaggerating for effect, one nosy/asshole neighbor who knows the phone number for the health department could potentially ruin your day/week/year. Most health officials have the authority to declare a nuisance condition where there is some form of “infestation” (however that is defined in your jurisdiction) and many have the authority to pursue emergency abatement of the condition and send you the bill. Many people who have purchased trailer houses at sheriff’s sales have learned this the hard way. While real property is generally treated with greater respect than personal property (i.e. a single-wide,) you may want to discuss your abatement plans with the health dept sooner rather than later.

  162. 162.

    Aleta

    @philadelphialawyer: He’s a humor writer. It’s material. Anything is material. Problems transform into shtick. And commenters complain about his complaining for similar reason probably.

  163. 163.

    Ann

    Don’t listen to the home-owning nay-sayers. Is a tree always falling on the roof? Probably. But it’s rather wonderful to know it’s yours…that there is a little patch you and your animals call home.

  164. 164.

    jl

    The take home lesson of this thread for me, is that Cole damn well better take every bit and absolutely all of our advice, each and every bit of it, and all at once. Right now.
    You are welcome, new real property owner Cole.

  165. 165.

    Singing Truth to Power

    John Cole, I am at the tail-end of a kitchen remodel that began in early June and involved taking everything out of the kitchen. I now have new flooring, cabinets (as of yesterday with actual handles so I can even open doors and drawers), and appliances. I have some suggestions. Go with a kitchen designer. I used Home Depot – they don’t charge for design services and know things normal people don’t. You can do the measurements yourself – I don’t recommend that. I was 1/2″ off on one measurement, and that was expensive. Have them come and measure. If you need to replace kitchen/dining flooring, take a look at what flooring people are calling LVT – luxury vinyl tile – commercial grade. Not less expensive than ceramic or porcelain tiles, but more durable, and more comfortable, and very resistant to pet damage. Skip any tile with grout. It was an excruciating process – the only thing that was ahead of schedule was delivery of 22 cartons (some huge) of cabinets, which came very early. They filled my sunroom for three weeks. And then the fancy-dandy induction range almost burned my house down. If Steve gets up on counters and you go with induction, learn first how to lock the control panel. Induction is super-fast and very clean. I love it.

  166. 166.

    ZeeLizzee

    I’ve had USAA for auto insurance for almost 40 years (sidebar: when did I get so old?!?). But when it comes to home owners insurance they are total assholes, more expensive than most other insurers and no better at paying claims. IMHO.

  167. 167.

    Singing Truth to Power

    My experience with USAA on homeowners insurance has been super – and I really like being able to call and talk with a real (and experienced) person. The one time they denied a homeowners claim I called and they sent out an appraiser again, and then paid up remarkably quickly.

  168. 168.

    SWMBO

    John John John. When they ask you if it’s vacant, you tell them Walter was living there and had some stuff in there. No need to provide an ID or pics. And you are still truthful. Be prepared to bomb for fleas for 8 weeks. We had a flea infestation that was a nightmare. The life cycle of the flea is 6-8 weeks. Ask the vet what would work best with your pets. They make monthly flea pills (Nexgard) that they can take with their heartworm pills. Don’t poison the pets. Don’t poison yourself either. Bug bombs will probably not cut it even to remove the carpets. Get good masks for everyone that volunteers to help. What singing Truth said @167. You are like a new parent with a helpless baby. You know things need doing but it’s all overwhelming at first. Be kind to yourself and your family (including pets). You will get through this. Just not exactly the way you thought when you started.

  169. 169.

    SectionH

    On a positive note, John, two of the worst flea infestations I’ve ever seen were #1 an empty house I was inspecting, where the other inspector, a guy, had fleas up his trousers well beyond his knees, and – I didn’t even want to know – I turned my back when he had to drop trou in the yard, and I thanked the ghods I for some reason wore a skirt that day, so I could start swatting, running, and shaking asap, and noticed them a lot quicker, and #2 my own house after we’d been gone a month (mother cat nested her kittens in our basement). In case #2, it worked out well, and one of the babies was our first (as married ppl) cat. Case #1, they got an exterminator, and that was cool too. But omg I hate fleas.

    The best advice for your new house, ongoing about fleas, is give Program to your animals. It comes for dogs and cats. It goes in their food and even my pickiest eaters would chow enough to make it useful. It doesn’t kill adult fleas unlike most of the fancy treatments, so it’s cheaper. It kills the developing eggs, which means that when your random outside roaming critter comes in with a flea or three, it’s a minor brief annoyance. Their reproductive cycle is stopped. That’s what’s srsly useful where you live, we did, or tbh for us now. We live on the 7th floor in a city condo, and our cats are totes indoor ones, obvs. But our vets still recommend we give Program regularly just in case. Because we walk in the park, our neighbors have a dog they walk, etc.

    As for the rest, you’ll never lack for house advice. What’s excellent is I’m betting quite a few lurkers besides me are finding bits of it very useful.

  171. 171.

    Pogonip

    @SWMBO: That could work. “Somebody living there? Just this black fella named Walter. Skinny. Doesn’t talk much. Real friendly, though. Left some of his shit in there.”

  174. 174.

    Grover Gardner

    To be honest, John, most of us don’t buy an abandoned, foreclosed house. :-) The worst thing you have to do is sign all those goddammed papers and then try to get the cable compnay out to get some internet.

    The pain comes two or three years later when you realize the roof is leaking, they used cheap paint on the outside trim with the result that your window frames are rotting, the electrical wiring is *really is* much older and more inadequate than you thought, and those spiffy Maytag appliances that conveyed were actually refurbs for which parts are no longer available.

  175. 175.

    Emily68

    @gene108: a guy with a master’s degree in entomology told me that baby powder particles are just the right size to block up fleas’ breathing holes and kill them. So maybe along with the flea bomb, sprinkle a lot of baby powder around, too, for good measure.

    Also, there were fleas in the house we bought. We finally got rid of them when we went away for the weekend in November and didn’t turn on the heat. It got pretty cold and no more flea bites ever again. Maybe they all just moved away. We didn’t have any pets so maybe they got tired of human blood.

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